THE AIRPORT
Written by
Larry Charles
(Comedy club)
JERRY
...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer;
there's always a small problem "There'll
be a slight delay, we'll be a *little*
late, if you could be a *little* *patient*!
We're just trying to get one of those
*little* trucks to pull us up just a
*little* closer to the jetway so you
can walk down the narrow hallway and
there'll be a man there in a tight suit
and he'll tell you you have very little
time to make your connecting flight.
So move it!".
Open with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way to the airport.
Elaine is singing a poppy Jazz tune.
ELAINE
Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah,
boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...
JERRY
Hey, could you do me a favour? (pause)
Could you shut-up?They both chortle,
and Jerry is hot so he's taking his
coat off, but Elaine refuses to take
the wheel and Jerry's hand gets stuck
and before you can say "Planes, Trains
and Automobiles", they collide head-on
with a Snapple truck....
Would you believe a big purple jeep?
Okay, they don't hit anything, but Jerry's hand *did* get stuck...
Anyhoots, Elaine goes to roll down the window, and...
ELAINE
Hey guess what? This window doesn't
work.
JERRY
I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works:
the window doesn't work,
the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker...
(pause) Or is that you?
ELAINE
Gimme ten bucks and find out...
JERRY
So, this worked out pretty good. Them
givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you
get a free trip to St. Louis, I did
my gig, you got to
see your sister...
ELAINE
Yeah, worked out good.
JERRY
And here's the beauty--
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
George is pickin' us up at the airport.
ELAINE
Get out of here! Why?
JERRY
You know that awning outside my building?
ELAINE
Yeah...
JERRY
He's always bragging about his vertical
leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that
he couldn't touch the awning.
ELAINE
So what happened?
JERRY
He didn't come within two feet of the
thing. He's wavin at it...
So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't
have
to pay me anything.
ELAINE
Hey, how we doin' on time?
JERRY
Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car,
pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk
right on the plane...
Oops.
ELAINE
Hey! Wait up!
JERRY
Hey! Wait up!
DRIVER
Sorry. Heh heh heh...
The driver speeds away without our heroes, and he seems pretty
happy about it.
Finally inside, they check their luggage...
SKYCAP
Where you goin'?
JERRY
Uh, JFK. (To Elaine) I need some small
bills for a tip. You
got anything?
ELAINE
Yeah, you want five?
JERRY
Gimme ten.
ELAINE
You're giving him *ten* dollars?
JERRY
Well, we got three bags.
ELAINE
That's a pretty big tip...
JERRY
That's what they get!
ELAINE
They don't get that much.
JERRY
Let's ask him.
ELAINE
We can't ask him...
JERRY
Let's see what he says.
ELAINE
Jerry, we don't have time for this...
JERRY
Two seconds. (To Skycap) Excuse me,
my friend and I here, we were having
a discussion and we were wondering what
you usually get for a tip.
SKYCAP
Depends on the person, depends on the
bag.
JERRY
Uh, how about a couple of people like
us.
SKYCAP
People like you? I wouldn't expect much,
you don't even look like
you know what you're doing...
JERRY
C'mon, seriously...
SKYCAP
Well, since you asked, usually, I get
five dollars a bag.
What!?
ELAINE
What!?
SKYCAP
That's right.
*Five* bucks a bag?
ELAINE
*Five* dollars a bag? I don't think
so.
SKYCAP
Look, you asked, I told you.
ELAINE
You got some nerve trying to take advantage
of us...
JERRY
All right, look, we're late. Thank you
very much...
ELAINE
You're lucky I don't report you...
SKYCAP
JFK...
THEN ELAINE'S
SKYCAP
...Honolulu.
Inside the gate, J+E are running to get to the ticket counter
in time.
ELAINE
Wait up!
JERRY
You see? Never be late for a plane with
a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl--
with the little steps and the arms flailing
out... You wanna make this plane, you've
gotta run like a man!
Get your knees up!
Yeah, but Jerry-- she's so darned perky when she runs. Besides,
she's carrying luggage and you're not. Some gentleman. Hmfph.
Anyway, they get to the ticket counter.
JERRY+ELAINE
The flight's been canceled?!?!
TICKET LADY
Everything into JFK's booked... No,
wait-- I have two seats
into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding right
now.
JERRY
We'll take 'em!
ELAINE
We're not going to sit together?
JERRY
Well, so what? It's not that long--
you'll read.
ELAINE
Well, what about George? He's supposed
to pick us up at Kennedy.
JERRY
We'll call him...
ELAINE
There's no time.
JERRY
No time? (To ticket lady) Is there time?
TLADY
There's no time.
JERRY
There's no time. All right, we'll call
him from the plane.
TLADY
I have one seat in first class, and
one in coach. The price is the same
since your flight was canceled.
JERRY
I'll take the first class.
ELAINE
Jerry!
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Why should you get the first class?
JERRY
Elaine, have you ever flown first class?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
All right then. See? You won't know
what you're missing. I've
flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't...
I won't...
ELAINE
You flew here coach.
JERRY
Yeah, that's a point...
ELAINE
All right, fine. I don't care. If the
plane crashes, everybody in first class
is going to die, anyway.
JERRY
Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.
They board the plane, and the flight attendant "welcomes" Elaine
aboard.
ATTENDANT #1
Third row right...
Then Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard.
ATTENDANT #1
Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.
JERRY
Bon voyage, Lainey!
PASSENGER #1
Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss,
I think you're
sitting in my seat...
Elaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got like 5 bags
and Data General laptop.
PASSENGER #1
I never check my bags-- I can't stand
that wait in the baggage area.
ELAINE
Great... (To herself) Help me...
TIA
Excuse me, I think you're in my seat...
JERRY
Oh, sorry... My mistake... (To himself)
Thank... *you*!
Did I mention that Tia is one hot tamale? Yikes.
Anyway, we cut back to George and Kramer in the car.
GEORGE
Hey, thanks for coming with me.
KRAMER
Hey, what made you think you could touch
that awning?
GEORGE
I confused it with another awning.
KRAMER
So how we doin' on time?
GEORGE
We're perfect. I timed this out so we
would pull up at the terminal *exactly*
17 minutes after their flight is supposed
to land. That gives them just enough
time to get off the plane, pick up their
bags and be walking *out* of the terminal
as we roll up.
I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you
the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup.
Um, George... Did you say "perfect"?
GEORGE
What's going on? What are you doing?
The Long Island Expressway?
What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you
know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!
KRAMER
Will you relax?!
GEORGE
Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the
Grand Central, the Van Wyck!
You destroyed my whole timing!
KRAMER
This is the best way to go!
GEORGE
Do you know what happens if I miss him?
I don't get credit for the pickup and
I lose my 50 bucks...
KRAMER
George, there's no traffic at this time.
Now, come on, man...
GEORGE
Really?
KRAMER
If anything, we'll probably get there
early. I'll have a chance to
go to the Duty Free shop.
GEORGE
The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the
biggest sucker deal in retail.
Do you know how much duty is?
KRAMER
Duty.
GEORGE
Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty
is?
KRAMER
No, I dunno how much duty is.
GEORGE
Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...
KRAMER
I still like to stop at the duty free
shop.
GEORGE
I like to stop at the duty free shop.
G+K
I like to stop at the duty free shop!
I like to stop at the duty free shop!
Meanwhile, back on the plane, Jerry and Tia are chatting (isn't
that always the way? You get stuck beside someone who insists
on going on and on about their kids and how their life didn't
go according to plan and all that boring dreck...)
TIA
So, he says, "squeeze your breasts together",
and I say, "I thought this was an ad
for shoes"...
JERRY
Oh my...
Okay, maybe not all conversations are dull and boring...
TIA
Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page
146.
Oh yeah, did I mention he had a magazine on his lap and *that's*
what she was gawking at? Anyway, he checks out page 146.
JERRY
Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's
a good thing they gave you
that washcloth to cover yourself up...
Um, what was that page number again?
JERRY
What is this an ad for?
TIA
See those wrinkled jeans slung over
the chair? Way in the background, out
of focus?
JERRY
Uh-huh...
In traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by honking cars
and what is obviously heavy traffic...
KRAMER
How does it look on your side? (Pause
while George just stares at him) We'll
get there...
Back in, ugh, *coach* (those heathens), the annoying guy is sleeping
beside
ELAINE
Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and
I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe
he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys
burst? Is it worth it not to wake this
man up to damage a major organ? I hope
this disgusting slob appreciates what
I'm doing for him... (To passenger on
the other side of her, but still to
herself) Yeah, make a little more noise
with your gum-- that's helpful.
GEORGE
They're not here! You cost me fifty
bucks!
KRAMER
Look at you! You run like a girl! Run
like a man! Lift your knees!
GEORGE
Look, we're wasting our time here! We're
a half-hour late, they've probably took
it off the board already.
KRAMER
No, there it is, right there-- 133...
and it's canceled.
GEORGE
Canceled? Do I still get credit for
the pick up? I was here!
KRAMER
Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at
the ticket counter.
GROSSBARD
Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 8:30...
(He leaves)
KRAMER
Did you see that guy?
GEORGE
No... What guy?
KRAMER
That guy.. He was just...
GEORGE
Listen, you go over to the ticket counter,
I'm going to go stop in the gift shop
and pick up a copy of Time magazine.
There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry
in it and I think he mentioned my name!
KRAMER
(still lost) I know that guy...
Y'know, he looks familiar to me, too. Reminds me of this guy
John Grossbard that I knew a while back. Got me involved in one
of those shady pyramid schemes... Man, if I ever meet up with
him again...
PRISONER
Gotta get my Time magazine... Never
miss my Time magazine.
GUARD
Yeah, get your magazine and let's get
out of here.
George lifts the last copy from the rack before the con can get
it.
PRISONER
Hey, I was gonna take that!
GEORGE
Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.
PRISONER
I don't care when you got here, I want
the magazine...
GEORGE
You don't understand, there's a *blurb*
about me in this magazine!
PRISONER
A *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check
out the cover, idiot!
GUARD
All right, let's go...
George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture of the
aforementioned prisoner with the caption "Caught!" written below.
PRISONER
I want the magazine!
GEORGE
Umm... No.
PRISONER
You know what I would do to you, if
I wasn't in these shackles...
GEORGE
But you are Blanche... You *are* in
the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read
my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too.
Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the
park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful
day! Have a nice life... sentence, that
is!
Kramer comes into the gift shop and does a Krameresque double-take
at "that guy" from the departure screen who's browsing books.
He goes up to
George.
KRAMER
They're on a different flight. They're
scheduled to land in a half hour, only
at Laguardia.
GEORGE
Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...
KRAMER
Where do I know that guy from?
Back in the developing nation section of the plane (coach, that
is), Elaine is still pining for the guy next to her to wake up
so she can go to the bathroom.
ELAINE
(To herself, loudly) Wake up, you human
slug! Wake up! *Wake*
*up*!! I can't hold it anymore! (To the slug out loud) Excuse
me, I've gotta go to the bathroom...
The cad has the nerve to look peeved, and Elaine has a hard time
getting out of her seat. She looks a little like Kramer stumbling
and falling into the aisle. The capper is that as she's getting
up, facing the row of seats (and their staring sitters) across
from her, Elaine makes faces at them like she's a homicidal maniac
from "Taxi Driver". You can just see the words "You lookin' at
*me*?" etched in her brain. It's a killer.
Anyway, as Elaine scurries off to the bathroom, Jerry and Tia
are enjoying some hot towels on their faces.
JERRY
Oh my... that *is* refreshing...
ATTENDANT
Would you care for some slippers?
JERRY
Sounds lovely! (To Tia, motioning to
put them on her) May I?
TIA
Please!
JERRY
Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be
Cinderella.
They chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no, that's not a
cleverly- masked euphemism). Back in the car...
GEORGE
My name is not mentioned in this blurb...
Ding!
KRAMER
It's Grossbard!
Why don't these people listen to me? I don't understand...
GEORGE
Who's Grossbard?
KRAMER
When I lived on Third avenue and 18th
street 20 years ago, I had this roommate
who was *always* behind in his rent.
Then one month,
he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 bucks! He
took the cash and )pfffft( disappears. Well, I try to find him,
I went
to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got
the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John Grossbard!
GEORGE
Hey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks
twenty years ago...
KRAMER
No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna
get that guy...
GEORGE
No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You
*cannot* abandon people in the middle
of an airport pickup! It's a binding
social contract.
We... we must go forward... not back.
George, that's beautiful. Ever thought of running for office?
JERRY
Tia, did you see all the flowers in
that bathroom? It's like an English
garden in there.
ATTENDANT
They're gardenias, mostly.
JERRY
I thought I smelled lilac.
ATTENDANT
Yes, there are a few of those, too...
TIA
It's almost overwhelming...
CAPTAIN
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Due to equipment problems
at the runway at Laguardia, we've been
instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologize
for any inconvenience...
ELAINE
(To anyone who'll listen) What'd he
say? What'd he say?
Back to George and Kramer at Laguardia; George has been inside
to see if J+E are there, he reports his findings back to Kramer
in the car.
GEORGE
Well, You're not gonna believe it...
KRAMER
What?
GEORGE
The plane's been re-routed *back* to
Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes.
KRAMER
Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard--
it tolls for thee.
Kramer peels out. He's on a mission from God.
ATTENDANT
We have some *delicious* Chateau Briande,
my personal favourite.
Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in
a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron.
JERRY
Oh, saffron! That sounds good.
ATTENDANT
And today we're featuring wines from
the *Tuscany* region...
JERRY+TIA
Tuscany!
They do that "tink" thing again, and we rejoin Elaine going back
to her seat, but the other attendant is serving the slop to the
unwashed masses
in coach and he's in her way.
ELAINE
Hi. Can I get to my seat?
ATTENDANT
You're just gonna have to wait...
ELAINE
But you just passed it. I'm sitting
right there next to that guy...
ATTENDANT
You're not supposed to get up during
the food service.
ELAINE
Well, nobody *told* me that!
ATTENDANT
Look. This plane is *full*. I got a
lot of people to serve.
Now please... You're just gonna have to wait.
Back at JFK, George and Kramer check out the Arrivals board (again)...
GEORGE
There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty
of time.
KRAMER
Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes.
I *still* got time to
catch him!
GEORGE
How you gonna catch him? He's probably
boarded the plane already.
KRAMER
Gimme your credit card.
GEORGE
My credit card?
KRAMER
Just gimme the card, don't ask me any
questions.
GEORGE
I'm not gonna give you my card unless
you tell me what it's for!
KRAMER
I'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get
on that flight.
GEORGE
What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend
more on the ticket than you're gonna
get back from Grossbard.
KRAMER
No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm
gonna get my money, I'll get
off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not
gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card.
GEORGE
This is a *great* idea! Here... use
this one. I get frequent flyer
miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as
your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get
*double* the bonus miles.
Back in *coach* (I get hives just thinking about it), Elaine
returns to her
seat now that the attendant is done serving.
ELAINE
Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do
this, but I got stuck in the aisle and
the flight attendant wouldn't let me
get through.
There's no way to get around that cart...
PASSENGER 1
You're not supposed to get up during
the food service.
ELAINE
I'll try and remember that. (Pause)
Where's my meal?
PASSENGER 1
He asked me where you were, and you
were gone so long I thought you, uh,
switched seats.
Uh-huh... Elaine addresses the nearby attendant.
ELAINE
Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get
a meal.
ATTENDANT
Are you sure?
ELAINE
Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray
of food had been served to me.
ATTENDANT
Would you?
Ooooh, them's fightin' words, Monroe.
ATTENDANT
Well, the only meal left is a kosher
meal.
ELAINE
Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal.
I don't even know what a kosher meal
is.
PASSENGER 1
I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected
it, or something.
PASSENGER 2
No, no. It all has to do with the way
they kill the pig.
PASSENGER 1
They don't eat pigs!
PASSENGER 2
They do if it's killed right-- under
a Rabbi's supervision.
Ummmm, sure. Another (uncredited) passenger addresses the debate
from somewhere out of camera range.
PASSENGER 3
Oh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher
meal.
ELAINE
Then why didn't you take it?
PASSENGER 3
I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot.
ELAINE
You're eating my food!
ATTENDANT
Look, I got earplugs to collect. Do
you want it, or not.
Take the food, Elaine. But ask that guy just what the heck a
kosher meal is-- I'm curious...
Meanwhile, Jerry and Tia enjoy a nummy-lookin' dessert treat.
J+T
Mmmmmmmm!
TIA
This is the best sundae I've ever had.
JERRY
Oh, man. You know what... they got the
fudge on the bottom-- y'see?
That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're
eatin' your ice cream.
TIA
I've never met a man who knew so much
about nothing.
JERRY
Thank you...
J+T
Mmmmmm!
We get a quick shot of Elaine staring at *something* on the end
of her fork
ATTENDANT
More anything?
JERRY
More everything!
Does that include Rabbi-slaughtered bovines?
Back at JFK...
KRAMER
Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon.
GEORGE
Super Savers? Are they refundable!?
No.
GEORGE
You bought non-refundable tickets, you
idiot!
KRAMER
She talked me in to it-- she said it
was the best deal.
GEORGE
Do you know how much this is going to
cost me?
KRAMER
Look, I'll tell you what-- I'll split
it with you
How big of you, you brute. They board the plane.
GEORGE
Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom...
I dunno, George. Those *coach* bathrooms stink. Just ask Elaine.
Kramer goes forward and confronts Grossbard. For his part, Grossbard
doesn't seem to recognise Kramer from twenty years ago (then
again, he apparently had short hair at the time). After trying
in vain to reach Grossbard's wallet, Kramer is escorted off the
plane. Before this can take place, George knocks on the bathroom
door to a reply of "Just a minute" from the occupant inside (I
bet he stinks). Anyway, the door opens and, surprise! It's the
Prisoner without his Time magazine (at least now we know why
he needed it so badly-- reading material for the john). Anyway,
the guy pulls George into the bathroom (he's still wearing his
cuffs and shackles, BTW (that's got to make it rather difficult
to go to the bathroom, but I digress)). So, while George is in
the can with the serial killer, Kramer is escorted off the plane.
Don't worry-- the plane isn't moving yet. And what's up with
going to the bathroom on a non-moving plane? Isn't there laws
against that? Or is it just trains that you have to wait until
they're moving? Who really cares, anyway?
ATTENDANT
Excuse me... Excuuuse me...
ELAINE
What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks.
ATTENDANT
What is your name?
ELAINE
Elaine Benes?
ATTENDANT
(Checks her list) You're going to have
to go back to coach.
ELAINE
No, but there was nobody sitting here...
ATTENDANT
Yes, but you're still not allowed. These
seats are very expensive.
ELAINE
Oh, no, please, don't send me back there.
Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice
up here. It's so comfortable up here.
I don't want to go back there. Please
don't send me back there... (She notices
another attendant offering goods)
Oh, you got *cookies*!
ATTENDANT
You're going to have to go back to your
seat!
ELAINE
Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know,
our goal should be a society *without*
*classes*! (She goes through the curtain
to,ick, *coach*) Do you realise that
the people up here are getting *cookies*!
The outburst has awoken Jerry and Tia who are sharing a blanket
and napping (at least, that's what I *think* they're doing under
that big, blue blanket...)
JERRY
What is all the racket back there? You
know, you're trying to relax on the
plane and this is what you have to put
up with.
(To attendant) What is going on?
ATTENDANT
Sir, this woman tried to *sneak* into
first class.
JERRY
Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem
is, that curtain is no security-- there
really should be a locking door.
Electrified, with a moat if possible. They return to snuggling...
KRAMER
Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks!
No good. He breaks free and makes a run for it and seemingly
escapes.
Meanwhile, Jerry is getting ready for deboarding and he glances
out the window only to see a rather harried Kramer running, arms
flailing out on the runway. He takes a second look, just to be
sure.
JERRY
Couldn't be...
After they get off the plane, J+E look for the boys and get their
baggage
how would they know Kramer was there,
too? They didn't get a hold of George
on the phone, or he would've went to
Laguardia in the first
place...)
JERRY
Where are they already? I don't see
them anywhere...
Well, George is being raped in a bathroom and Kramer is still
on the lam somewhere in the airport...
JERRY
I got my bags, I'm ready to go.
ELAINE
Yeah, *you* got *your* bags...
In Honolulu, Elaine's bag appears to be having a good time, revolving
around the baggage thingy, complete with lei...
ELAINE
The worst flight I have been on in my
entire life.
JERRY
Yeah, me too...
He seems so sincere. Tia walks by, along with an entourage of
photographers.
TIA
I'll call you.
JERRY
Okay... (To a bamboozled Elaine) It's
a business thing...
Enter the K-man through the ramp where the baggage comes out--
you didn't expect a whole episode to go by without a "Kramer
entrance", did you?
KRAMER
You guys ready?
JERRY
Yeah. Where's George?
GEORGE
Well, you can't hear him through the window, but he is definitely
shouting
"KRAMER!"
JERRY
But I have to admit, I like flying.
I like those little bathrooms that they
have on the plane. It's kind of like
a small apartment of your own on the
plane. You go in, you close the door,
the light comes on. It's like a small
surprise party every time you go in
there. The worst way of flying, I think
is "standby", you ever fly standby?
It never works, you know, that's why
they call it standby--
you stand there going "Bye!" So I was on this flight where the
flight attendant-- it was her first day on the job so they didn't
have a uniform for her yet, and that really... makes a big difference,
I mean this is just some regular person coming over to you going
"Would you mind bringing your seat back all the way up?" It's
like, "Who the Hell are you?!"
THE END
|
