THE ANDREA DORIA
(Jerry's sitting at the table, reading the paper. George bursts
into the room)
Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving
(Gets up) Get out!
I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across
from mine, huh. I can't wait for you
to see it.
(Looks around his apartment) Is it better
(Definite) Oh yeah.
So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya?
You know what? It's better than Elaine's,
too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves
tward the phone)
(Stops) Oh right, the blind date.
Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up
now. I guess the blind people don't
like being associated with all those
Come on. Come check out my new place.
It'll take you two minutes.
I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at
(Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture
down there? I need some more stuff to
fill that extra bedroom with the walk-in
(Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really
(Laughs as they leave) It's working
already! (Both exit)
(Jerry and Kramer both go up to a unit door. Kramer's pulling
a wagon full of junk. He starts to cough uncontrollably)
(Disgusted) What is with that?!
Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells
the diseased germs out of the body,
into the air. (Makes a guesture of germs
being in the air)
(Takes out his key to unlock the unit
door) Where is your key?
Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's
You know, Kramer, I rented out half
of my space to you.
Yeah, and I rented out half that space
to Newman. (Starts coughing again)
(Jerry opens the door, mail bags start spilling out of the unit)
(Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing
mail in here?
(Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently.
(George's new apartment)
(George is moving in. The place is bare. A woman walks in while
he's attempting to hang a lamp near the fire place)
Excuse me, George?
(Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves
(Moves into the apartment, hand out)
No, I'm Mrs. Ricardi - president of
the tenant's association.
Oh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right!
Hey, hey.. I love the floors in here.
It's like a gymnasium in here! Try and
guard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball)
toward Mrs. Ricadi. She backs off defensively)
Come on! (Stops and laughs right before running
No, no.. (Laughs nervously) Uh, George,
unfortunately, Clarance Eldridge in
8C has decided that he wants the apartment.
(Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised
it to me.
Yes, but, you see - Mister Eldridge
is an Andrea Doria survivor. And, in
light of the terrible suffering that
he's already been through, we've decided
to give it to him.
(Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria..
that was quite a fire. (Moves to the
I remember.. (Leaves)
(Elaine is sitting alone, waiting for her date - Alan. She's
thinking to herself)
Where is this guy?! (Checks her watch)
I hate this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought
something to read.. (Picks up a sugar
packet) "Cancer in labratory animals"..
(A waiter approaches)
Excuse me, Elaine Benes?
An Alan Mercer called for you. He said
he's sorry, but he won't be able to
make it tonight. (Pause) He's been stabbed.
(Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?
That is not the point! The guy was stabbed!
Did you find out who stabbed him?
Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was
(Like a father) Well, you're not going
near this hooligan anymore.
Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about
it, Jerry. There must be something exciting
about this guy if he can arouse that
kind of passion. (Obviously turned
on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's..
kind of a compliment.
(Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't
get shot. He could have been the one.
(Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves
to the kitchen)
JERRY AND ELAINE
Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No
expiration date on this.. (Opens it,
then starts coughing directly onto the
There is now. Kramer, you should really
get that cough checked out by a doctor.
(Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no.
No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys
and yes-men all towing the company line..
(Looks at Jerry, then leans in so
Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.
(In awe. Whispering) The botched it?
(Complaining) I'm even more potent now!
(Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face. George enters)
Hey. How's the new place?!
Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the
living room. Kramer takes the carton
of food to the table, and begins eating)
The tenant association made me give
to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..
Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they
did the song about?
(Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.
I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.
(Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot
was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was
(Talking about his would-be apartment)
You could fit 15 people in that bathroom..
I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.
(Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed
by the Cat Stevens.
(Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided
with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles
off the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a
clicking sound with his
(Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge)
How do you know?
it's in my book - "Astonishing Tales
of the Sea" 51 people died.
That's it?! I thought it was, like,
There were 1,650 survivors.
That's no tragedy! How many people do
you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?!
Kramer, can I take a look at that book?
(Starts walking tward the door.
Kramer grabs his food, and follows)
Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear
(George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment. Jerry
stops Kramer before he can do the same)
Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk
to Newman about getting that mail outta
Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna
do it. (Leaves)
(Jerry nods his head - like it was expected)
(Jerry knocks on the door as it opens slowly. Newman's sitting
on the couch, watching TV in a state of depression)
(Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.
Listen, I want you to get the mail outta
my storage unit.
Sometimes we don't get what we want.
(Confused) What are you talking about?
I didn't get my transfer.
To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal
route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet
you don't even have to like the stamps..
But it's not to be - So, I'm
hanging it up.
You quit the post office?
Kind of. I'm still collecting checks,
I'm just not delivering mail.
Well, get it out of my storage. It's
And yet, it's perfectly legal to take
a man's soul and crush it out like a
stale Pall Mall.
(Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)
(Kramer's sitting on a bench coughing. A man walking some dogs
passes. A coughing other than Kramer's can be heard. Kramer stops
Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough
you got there, huh?
(One of his dogs, Smuckers, coughs. Kramer reacts while pointing
to the dog)
(Elaine's on a date with Alan)
I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around
as she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater.
You put shrimp infront of me, (Waves
her knife along with her hand gestures.
Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave)
and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's unsettled)
Oh.. (Puts the knife down)
No, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little
(Leans in close) Between you and me,
what happened there with the stabbing?
Just.. one of those things, you know.
What? Was she just so crazy in love
with you that she just couldn't take
it anymore? Or..?
I don't know. Could be.
(A woman, Carol, passes. She stops infront of Elaine and Alan's
(Carol grabs his hot coffee, and throws it in his face, then
storms off. Alan screams from the pain)
(Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was
that the one?! Was that the one who
(Between screams) No, that was a different
(Elaine looks confused. Scene ends)
There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?
Right, so, I called my friend, you know
- the one who set us up - I found out,
he's a bad-breaker-upper.
Mmm.. Bad how?
(Fast) Well, you know when you break
up, how you say things you don't mean?
Well, he says the mean things you don't
mean, but he means them.
(Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna
Dump him. I can't be with someone who
doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to
me, that's one of the most important
parts of a relationship.
(Agreeing) What's more important?
(Elaine shrugs, then Jerry shrugs, then Elaine, then they both
get into sort of a shrug-off)
(While Kramer's walking with his new found dog, Smuckers, he
meets up with George. Kramer and the dog both start coughing)
(Between coughs) Hey.
What's with the dog?
(Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers.
I borrowed him. (Starts coughing)
(Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share
the same affliction, so I'm gonna have
a vet check us out.
Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any
day. They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps
his fingers in rhythm with his words)
lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops
snapping) - all on the same day.
So, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna
take dog medicine?
(Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers?
(Smuckers coughs. They turn to leave)
I'll see ya.
George's apartment building)
(George approaches Mr. Eldridge as he's entering his new apartment.
George is carrying Kramer's sea tales book)
Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you
were on the Andrea Doria.
Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
I tell ya, I hear people really stuff
themselves on those cruise ships. (Laughs)
The buffet, that's the real ordeal,
huh, Clarence? (Laughs)
(Defensively) We had to abandon ship.
Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
The boat sank.
(Holding up Kramer's book) According
to this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased
into the water like an old man into
a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause)
uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting
me shove off in this beauty?
Is that what this is all about?! I don't
think I like you. (Enters his apartment,
and slams the door behind him)
(Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge!
The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya,
but I will! Ha, ha, ha!
(Smuckers is getting examined by a vet)
What are the symptoms?
Well, uh.. it hurts when he swallows.
Expecially when he drinks orange juice.
(Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh..
dog food.. juice. (Adding) What's
worse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs) Yeah, that's
it. That's it.
Yeah, well, uh - we've been seeing a
lot of this lately. Been drinking from
(Offended) What? No. That's disgusting..
So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin'
(Confused by his sudden change-of-heart)
What? Break-up? We went out on one date.
(Fast) Ok, yeah, sure, fine, right.
Whatever you say.
(Shows no sign that she cares) Alright,
Ok, then, well, So.. see ya around..
big head. (Gets up to leave)
You got a big head. It's too big for
your body. (Walks for the door)
(Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs
again) That's the best you got?! (Laughs
loudly as Alan exits)
So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't
deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer,
that was, like, 40 years ago! What has
he been doing lately?! I've
been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!
You know, if this tenant board is so
impressed with suffering, maybe you
should tell them the "Astonishing Tales
(Interested) I should!
I mean, your body of work in this field
I could go bumper to bumper with any
one else on this planet!
You're the man!
(There's an urgent knocking at the door. Jerry answer it. Newman's
standing in the doorway)
I'm with people, I'll be with you in
a moment. (Slams the door on Newman's
face. Then tries to delay talking to
Newman by keeping the conversation with
George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?
Nah, I guess I should really get moving
on this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the
door, letting Newman in. Leaves)
(Angered) Hello.. Newman.
(Urgent) I need that mail, where is
What's the difference?
The guy who had the Hawaii transfer
got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret
catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!
Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it.
Blast! There's no way I can handle 8
in addition to my ususal load of one!
I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over
to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be
stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's
couch) The dream is dead.
You're giving up that easy?
I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See
(Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman!
You can't let this dream die. You moving
away is my dream too!
(Intrigued) What are you proposing?
(Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long
as it takes me, where ever it takes
me as long as it takes you away from
(Confirming) An alliance. (They both
shake hands and laugh evily) Now get
the hell outta here. (Newman leaves)
(Jerry's sorting mail out on his table)
Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman
with the mail?
(Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman
is my sworn enemy. And he lives down
the hall from my home - my home, Elaine!
Where I sleep, where I come to
play with my toys.
Well, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan.
You know, I told him I didn't want to
see him anymore.. He called me "big
"Big head" (Scoffs) That's almost a
(Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things
anyone's ever said to me.
(The phone rings. Jerry answers it)
(On the other line) Hey.
Yeah, listen, I can't make it later.
You can't make it?
Yeah, the tenant association has decided
to hear my side of the story. So, uh,
I gotta kinda get ready. I'll see ya.
Alright. (Hangs up)
Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop?
(Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna
(Gives a "That's a shame" face) Alright,
well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to
exit. Kramer enters coughing. Elaine
does her best to dodge out of the way
Kramer's coughs, then walks off)
Kramer, aren't you taking any medication
Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his
pocket) I got some pilss. They taste
(Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow
(Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's
Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs
a pill from the bottle, and starts advancing
tward Kramer - like an owner with his
I don't want to!
(Jerry forces Kramer onto the couch. Kramer resists violently
- much like a dog would)
C'mon. Just sit down!
(Squirming) Jerry! What?!
Sit down! Sit down!
Lean your head back. Open your mouth!
(Grabs Kramer's head) Open your mouth!
Open it! Open it!
(Jerry forces the pill into Kramer's mouth, then holds Kramer's
mouth shut for a few moments. Thinking Kramer's already swallowed
it, he lets go. Instantly, Kramer
spits the pill out into the air. Jerry sighs, giving up)
(Reads the pill bottle) What kind of
pills are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"?
"May cause panting and loss of fur"?
(Turns to Kramer) These are dog
Whe have the same symptoms.
But, he's a dog! You need to see a real
No, no. No doctors.
Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing
Where are you going?
I'm taking the car. I gotta run some
errands. You want to go?
I don't know..
(Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go
for a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys
- as if he's calling out for a dog)
Huh? C'mon! C'mon!
(Kramer eagerly gets up and runs out the door. Jerry follows
(Elaine's riding in the back seat of a taxi)
Lady, could you move your head a little
Your head. I can't see out the back.
(Elaine slumps down in her seat) Little
more.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little
more. (Slides down until just her eyes
forehead can be seen) Thank you.
(Jerry is driving to an unknown destination. Kramer is restless
in the back. He's scrambling around, looking out the windows
- just as a dog would)
I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks
out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry
looks like he's trying to keep something
from Kramer) This isn't the
way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) Where are
we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared)
You're taking me to the doctor!
(George is at the coffee shop with his parents)
So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that
you could help me to remember my childhood
a little clearly..
I feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket
and her drink) Let's change tables.
Get outta here! We have a booth.
Frank, I'm cold!
Order a hot dish.
Why can't we sit over there? (Points
to a table)
(Yelling) That's not a booth!
(Trying to match Frank's loudness) So,
who says we have to sit in a booth?!
(Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway
all the way to New York to sit at a
table like that! (Gestures to the table)
(Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the
subway to be in a drafty restaurant!
(A moment passes)
(Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad.
Now, George, what do you want to know
about your childhood?
(Fed up with his parents) Actually,
I think I'm pretty clear on it.
(Looks up) Where's that breeze coming
(Jerry's car is parked outside of the doctor's office. Kramer
refuses to get out of the car)
Kramer, outta the car. Out, now!
Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer,
trying to pull him out of the car)
(Jerry pulls Kramer out onto the sidewalk. Kramer quickly gets
up and takes off - running down the street)
Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer!
Get over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor!
Tenant board room)
(Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each
one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is
bored to death. He's leaning back in his
chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display
how bored he is)
Just then, a rescue ship emerged from
the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops,
then gives George a look. George stops
knocking on the walls) It was the
sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.
(Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The
tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's
(George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for
him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes
George's seat in the corner)
(Jerry enters. Newman has an ice pac on his ankle)
Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it
all delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened?
Kramer bit me!
We had an arguement about me going to
Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle
like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled!
I don't think I can do my route -
and they're awarding the transfer in two days!
(Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?
You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't
Well, why not?
(Thinks for a moment) I guess you're
right. It's just walking around putting
it into boxes..
What am I gonna wear?
I could give you my uniform from my
(Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna
be a mailman!
(Scene cuts to Jerry on Newman's route. He's walking along a
city street with a mail cart. He stops infront of a store owner
brooming the sidewalk)
(Hands him some mail) There you go.
Mail on Sunday?
(Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along
the route, whistling. Hands a newspaper
to a homeless bum on the street, then
Tenant board room)
(George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every
board member seems to be deeply moved by them)
I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my
underwear, (Sighs) where I remained..
(Scene cuts to another story) She was
attractive.. She was, also, infact,
Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming
in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was..
significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts
to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So,
there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing
pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing
statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished,
because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly,
the story of my life as a short,
stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber
of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving
of the apartment. Ricardi
is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..)
Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I
picked out. (Sobs and loud crying
erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge
(Jerry returns to get another bag of mail)
Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in
the box, like you told me, but sometimes
it says, like, "Photographs - Do not
"Do not bend". (Laughs evilly) Just
crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine.
(Phone rings. Newman answers it) Hello?..
This is he. I don't understand..
very well. (Hangs up in disappointment)
That was the Vice President of the post
office. I didn't get the transfer..
They knew it wasn't me doing my route!
How did they know?!
(Pleading) I tried my best!
Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform.
(Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat.
Jerry turns his head in shame. Newman
then tears the post office
badge from Jerry's coat)
You know, this is your coat.
(Elaine passes a man on a bench. All the sudden, a bird flies
right into Elaine's head, and falls to the ground. The bird regains
it's balance, and flies off. The man on
the bench is staring in awe)
He flew right into your head. Like he
couldn't avoid it.
(Rubbing her head to relieve the pain)
Never seen that before. Bird into a
(Elaine covers her head with her hands, and runs off)
It's not contest. The guy had nothing!
The ship went down, he got into a life
boat, I mean, come on.
Boy, he didn't know what he was up against.
(George laughs) So, when do you move
into the apartment?
They're making their decision today.
(Elaine enters. She has a scarf over her head - trying to tie
her hair down. She looks angered at something)
What's the matter with you?
Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into
my giant freak-head. (Sits down)
What giant freak-head?
(Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits
atop my disproportunately puny body..
I'm a walking candy apple!
So, it's actually gotten to you? You're
playing right into his hands!
(Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!..
All I have to do is call him up, and
sit with him, and show him that it doesn't
bother me. You know, laugh it off..
jam a fork into his forehead.
(Casually, sarcastic) Either way.
(Getting up to leave) Alright.
I want to apologize for..
(Shrugging it off) Oh, please.
So you have a big head.
(Casually playing along) So what?
It goes well with that bump in your
(Suddenly angry) What?!
(Scene cuts to the outside of the restaurant. A woman runs out
of the restaurant and stops a passing Kramer)
Please! Get help! There's a crazy big-headed
woman beating up some guy! Tell the
police "The Old Mill Restaurant". Hurry!
(Kramer takes off running down the street, looking for a cop.
He meets up with two officers exiting an ice cream shop. Before
he can tell them the urgent message,
he starts coughing uncontrollably)
Boy, that's some cough you got there.
(Kramer keeps coughing while making gestures)
No, I think he's trying to tell us something.
What is it? (Between coughs, Kramer
manages to say the word "trouble") Trouble?!
Trouble? Where? Where's
trouble? (Kramer coughs out the words "Old Mill") Trouble at
the Old Mill?! Oh my god! Good boy, good boy! Lead the way! Come
(Kramer starts running back to the restaurant, the cops following
George's apartment building)
(George enters the hallway only to find that a bandaged-up Alan
is moving boxes into George's would-be-apartment)
Excuse me, uh, what are you doing in
I'm moving in. Alan Mercer. New neighbor.
(They shake hands)
What? Elaine's big-head guy? They have
you the apartment?!
Why?! Because you were stabbed, and..
got coffee thrown in your face, and..
uh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged forehead)
Oh, fork in the forehead.
That's why they gave you the apartment?
No, I just gave the super 50 bucks.
Wait a minute, that is my apartment.
I earned it with 34 years of misery!
Tough luck, chinless. (Goes into his
new apartment, and slams the door on
(George starts acting self-conscious about his chin - much like
Elaine and her head)
The Andrea Doria
Writers : Spike Feresten
Genres : Comedy