THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 2
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Outside Auto Shop)
Jerry and Elaine are outside the autoshop. Jerry is on the payphone.
Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)
So? What'd they say?
They're sending a detective to my apartment
What the hell were you thinking leaving
my clubs in that car?!
Well, I didn't count on my mechanic
pulling a Mary-Beth
Whitehead, did I?
What kind of maniac is this guy?
He's a very special maniac.
What am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman.
I don't know.
Why couldn't you take better care of
Elaine at her desk. Peterman enters.
Well, are they here?
Mr Peterman, uh... There seems to be
a bit of a snag.
It seems that a psychotic mechanic has
absconded with my
What does that have to do with my clubs?
They happened to be in the back seat
at the time.
Jerry is talking with a police detective at his door.
What was the suspect wearing at the
time of the incident?
You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt
that said 'Tony'. Lemme
ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?
All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional
thinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash.
I'm gonna ask
you somepersonal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but
I think it'll
help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car?
Had I been taking...?
Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you
zip over speed bumps?
Do you ride the clutch? Things like that.
W-well, what does it matter? It's my
car, I can do whatever I
want with it.
The detective stares at Jerry.
Not that I would think of doing such
(making a note) Alright Mr Seinfeld,
we'll let you know if
we find anything. I gotta be honest with you, these cases never
end up well.
Well uh, whatever you can do. Thanks.
George sits at his desk, his forehead resting on a folder he
clutched in his hands. Mr Wilhelm enters, looking happy.
(hesitant) Uh, Mr Wilhelm. Uh, about
That's what I came to talk to you about.
Great job George.
(shakes George's hand) You really nailed it.
Oh yes, I read through it this morning.
I couldn't have done
it better myself, and I turned it right over to Mr Steinbrenner.
Wilhelm leaves. George looks stunned and confused.
By now, George is looking much more pleased.
I don't get it. He assigns it to you,
you don't do it. Somehow
it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did.
Maybe somebody did it and didn't take
credit for it. Maybe it
was already done and didn't need doing in the first place. I
have no idea
who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you
know what? Jimmy
crack corn and I don't care.
(Mr Wilhelm's Home)
Wilhelm sits on the couch. He has a newspaper and is talking
wife, who's in another room.
The gardener did a nice job planting
the rose bushes, didn't
You planted the rose bushes, dear.
Yesterday. You remember.
(thinks for a moment) That's right.
(pause) What's for dinner?
We just ate. Did you forget to take
Wilhelm can be seen struggling to recollect.
A still pleased looking George is fetching a drink from Jerry's
The point is, however it got done, it's
done. So, any luck with
No. The police have no leads (sitting
on the couch arm) and I
just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it.
They don't consider it stolen, if you
wilfully give the guy the
The door opens and Elaine enters.
(to George) Hey.
(to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective
I gotta go.
George leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks up.
It's Detective McMahon...
Elaine looks quizzical. Jerry mouths, 'It's the police'
...I'm at the warehouse on Pier 38.
Ah, I think you'd
better get down here.
Yeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have
found the car.
(makes surprise noise) Are the clubs
in it? Ask him.
Are there golf clubs in the back?
We really can't tell. You better bring
(Pier 38 Warehouse)
The interior of the warehouse is gloomy and dank. There are cars
parts of cars arranged round the area, together with tools, welding
Detective McMahon stands beside a car-shaped object hidden under
a white sheet.
Jerry and Elaine are led in by a young patrolman who looks queasy.
Watch where you step. There's quite
a bit of... grease.
Detective, Jerry Seinfeld is here.
How d'you do. Thanks for coming down.
(indicating) This is Elaine Benes.
(explaining) We used to date, but now
we're just friends.
I'm sorry to make you go through this,
but we need to make
Well, what's going on? What is this
One of our patrolmen stumbled over this.
He lifts the sheet, revealing what's beneath to Jerry and Elaine.
(horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and
covers her mouth)
Oh my God!
The young patrolman removes his cap out of respect for the victim.
The block is nearly split apart. We
found the overhead cams
thirty feet away. We can only hope the body sold for scrap.
Oh, my God.
And we know it's a Saab. The angle on
the Vee-6 is
definitely ninety-two. The model is hard to determine because
the drive train is
all burnt out.
What is that smell?
Look at the clutch.
They look. Jerry and Elaine don't like what they see.
The patrolman cracks and leaves hurriedly, looking nauseous.
Whoever did this didn't just dismantle
it. I mean, they took
their time, they had fun. They were very systematic. They went
out of their
way to gouge the sides of every piston, and the turbo was separated
housing and shoved right up the exhaust pipe.
Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have
Your car's not a turbo?
No, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's
a turbo, Elaine, a
(sobbing happiness) It's a tu-hur-bo.
Elaine and Jerry hug in happiness. In the background, another
Excuse me, did you say turbo? Saab turbo
nine-thousand? Is it...
(voice breaking) midnight blue?
(condolences) Yes ma'am.
Newman drives as he and Kramer give voice to their happiness.
(singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred
bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and
and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling
hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight
bottle and cans in
the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles
We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...
Their singing ends shambolically as they lose track of the lyrics.
the pair still look gleeful.
(Jerry's Apartment/Jerry's car)
The phone rings in Jerry's apartment. He picks it up.
Hey Jerry, it's Tony.
Tony, where are you?
The Saab is driving down a quiet country road at night.
Aw look, I just want you to know that
the car is fine. I got her
all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic.
So there's nothing
to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to
Tony holds the phone toward the dash and revs the engine a little.
Jerry can hear the engine noise over the phone.
Tony, y-you better bring that car back!
(angry) Nobody's giving anything back!
You tried to take it from
me, I don't forget that.
Tony, it is my car, and I want it back!
Oh, your car. You want your car back!
Listen, that registration may have your
name on it, Jerry. But
this engine's running on my sweat and my blood.
Tony hangs up the phone.
(exasperated) Where do I find these
Kramer is driving the truck along a highway in daylight.
How much gas we got?
Three quarters of a tank.
Newman punches the numbers into a calculator.
That's better than we estimated.
(smugly) That is seven dollars and twenty-two
They give a smug little laugh.
Maybe we could uh, stop for a snack.
Ah, no, that's not in the budget.
Yeah well, the budget changed, you know.
I mean, it might be a
That's not a good investment, that's
A convertible black Saab passes the mail truck.
Hey, d'you see that car? Looks like
Jerry's. I'm gonna check
out that license plate.
He accelerates the mail truck to close on the Saab, and leans
straining to make out the plate.
Yeah, those are New York plates.
Is that Jerry's number?
I don't know, but that's New York and
we're in Ohio. Those are
pretty good odds.
Kramer reaches under his seat, rummaging for something.
What're you doing?
I'm calling Jerry.
Brought my phone.
He pulls out his mobile and hits the speed dial for Jerry.
(Jerry's Apartment/Mail Truck)
(answering phone) Y'hello.
Yeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence
Why, what's up?
Yeah, well I think I spotted your car.
Oh my god, you're kidding. (dives for
his wallet) Hang on a
second. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728.
(checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's
it! That's it. Hey,
uh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck.
Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought
it to the country.
Well we're in the country and we're
right on his tail.
Good work Kramer, this is incredible.
Yeah, don't worry Jerry. We're right
on this guy like stink on
a monkey! I'll check back with you.
(Elaine's Office/Jerry's Apartment)
The phone rings in Elaine's office. She answers it.
Yeah, it's me. Kramer found the car!
Oh my god, where is it?
It's somewhere in the country, they're
Are the clubs there?
I don't know. They're tailing him. I'm
waiting for them to call
Alright, I'm heading over right now.
Elaine enters at a rush.
What's the status?
Last check-in, they were still on him.
Well, have they called the police yet?
No, they won't call the police.
What? Why not?
They're afraid they'll get in trouble
for misusing a mail truck.
Kramer doesn't want a record.
Kramer has a record.
Not a Federal record.
The phone rings. Jerry grabs the handset by the couch, Elaine
in the kitchen.
(Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment)
What's going on?
Yeah, nothing. We're still following
Ahead of the truck, the black Saab indicates his intention to
Wait a second, he's getting off. Yeah,
he's gonna be going
south on the one-thirty-five.
Keep following him.
Alright, alright, I'll follow him.
Hey, we can't follow him, we're going
north to Michigan.
Yeah, hey listen, I can't. It's gonna
be taking us out of our
I need those clubs.
Kramer, I want my car.
Well, I don't know what to do.
Hey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles
here. I mean, this guy
could be going to Arkansas.
Keep following him Kramer. don't let
Hey, don't listen to him. I mean, we
can't afford a detour. Our
budget won't hold it.
Well, I don't know what to do man!
Kramer! Stay left. Left, left, left.
Right. Go right!/South!
Alright! Alright. I'm getting off! I'm
gonna go on the ramp.
Kramer swerves onto the off-ramp at the last moment. Tyres squeal
the truck sways.
I hope you realise what you've done.
You've destroyed our whole
This ramp is steep.
All my work, my planning, my genius.
All for nought.
Alright, look, we're pulling too much
weight. He's getting away
from us here. (indicating) Take the wheel.
Newman reaches across and takes the steering wheel as Kramer
of the driving seat.
What're you doing?
(climbing though into the back of the
truck) I'm gonna get
Are you crazy?
The truck swerves as Newman slides into the driving seat.
Keep your foot on the gas.
Kramer shoves his way through the sackloads of bottles and cans.
Hey! You're not dumping those bottles
back there, are you?
Kramer slides open the rear door of the truck.
Hey Kramer, those have wholesale value!
We could cut our
Kramer grabs a sack and heaves it out the back of the truck.
Look out below!!
Car horns can be heard as the sack lands in the carriageway.
grabs another sack and hurls that out, with another yelled warning.
Steinbrenner sits behind his desk. He's examining something on
desktop with a large powerful magnifying glass.
(to himself) With this magnifying glass,
I feel like a
There is a tap at the door, and George cautiously enters.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Ah, come in George, come in.
George strolls up to Big Stein's desk, looking more confident.
Uh, Wilhelm gave me this project you
(smiling) Yes sir.
Let me ask you something, George. You
having any personal
problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind?
(wondering where this is leading) No
What about drugs? You doing some of
that crack cocaine?
You on the pipe?
(worried now) No sir.
Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Bcause
I got a flash for
you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in
What're.. What're you talking about?
George, I've read this report. It's
very troubling, very
troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here.
Two burly guys who are clearly medical orderlies come into the
Okay, come on boys, come on in here.
George, this is Herb
George regards the two guys, very nervously as they approach
stand behind him, one on either shoulder.
They're gonna take you away to a nice
place where you can
get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law
for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women.
completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese.
Herb and Dan take hold of George's arms. George gets panicky.
Ah, see, Mister.. I didn't write that
report. That, that's not
Herb and Dan begin to drag the struggling George across the office
toward the door.
Of course you didn't George. Of course
you didn't write
I didn't do it! It..It just got done.
I don't know how it got
done, but it did.
As Herb and Dan haul George through the door, George makes his
stand, trying to get a hold on the doorframe with his feet. Eventually
dragged out into the corridor and vanishes from view.
Of course. Of course it got done. Things
get done all the
time, I understand. (as George disappears) Don't worry, your
job'll be waiting
for you when you get back. (banging his fist on his desk) Get
The Saab travels down a quiet country road at night, followed
mail truck. Kramer is driving, Newman looks furious in the passenger
(frustrated) Damn. I don't understand
this. I've ditched every
bottle and can, and we still can't gain. It's like we're...
He looks across at the substantial bulk of Newman and a thought
I went through all those bottles and
all those cans, for what?
What a waste. And I'm really gonna catch hell for those missing
Heyy, wasn't that a pie stand back there?
(perks up) A pie stand? Where?
Oh yeah. Home-made pies, two hundred
Aww, c'mon, pull over, pull over will
Kramer pulls the truck into the roadside. As it halts, Newman
his head out the window to peer back down the road.
Where? I..I..I don't see it.
Well open the door, you get a better
Newman slides back the door and leans out.
I don't see any pie...
Kramer plants his foot firmly in Newman's backside and heaves
of the truck.
As Newman lands heavily in the verge, Kramer slides the door
I'm sorry Newman, you were holding us
(after speeding truck) Kramer!!
In the mail truck, Kramer picks up his phone and redials.
(shouting) Jerry! We've lost the fat
man, and we're running
lean. We're back on track, buddy!
Newman wanders forlornly along the roadside at night. He tries
a ride from passing traffic, displaying his uniform insignia
Federal employee. Federal employee.
Aside from a few blaring car horns, he gets no response. He continues
his trudge, a sour look on his face.
Newman struggles up a steep slope.
Newman pushes his way through a field of crops. He emerges from
vegetation and sees a farmhouse, its lights blazing. His face
lights up. He
stumbles towards the welcoming lights, tripping and falling,
himself up and running up to the building.
Newman reaches the steps to the porch and stumbles up them. As
reaches the door, a scent catches his attention. Looking to the
window, he sees a
pie left out on the window sill to cool. A craftier look comes
to his face. He
turns back to the door and knocks. After a few seconds, it opens.
(a touch desperate) Ah, look, I..I'm
sorry to bother you, but
I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by
a band of
backwoods mail-hating survivalists.
Calm down, now. Calm down. Don't worry,
we'll take care of you.
This farm ain't much, but uh, you're welcome to what we have.
hearty meal, clean bed.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Just have one rule. Keep your hands
off my daughter.
Just then, the daughter in question slinks up behind the farmer.
Blonde, twenty-ish, just one walking temptation.
(Mail Truck/Jerry's Apartment)
Kramer has the mail truck right behind Jerry's Saab as they race
a quiet country road.
Jerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail.
There's no escape. He's
running scared, buddy.
Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch, each with a phone
How's the gas situation?
(checks dial) I got enough to get to
In front of him, Tony reaches into the back seat of the Saab.
He's reaching in back. He's grabbing
Tony extracts a long, metallic object from behind himself.
He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun,
Duck, Kramer! Duck!
Kramer crouches as far as he can. Tony flings the object at Kramer's
mail truck. It crashes against the windshield and bounces away.
It's a golf club! It's no gun. He threw
a golf club at me!
Those are JFK's golf clubs!
Tony hurls another club at the mail truck. Again, it bounces
windshield, leaving some cracks.
Hey, I'm under fire here. (another club
hits) I'm under heavy
fire here, boy. (another hit) Jeez! That was a five-iron!
Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the
No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going,
don't let him get away.
Wait a minute, I think he's done. (peers
at the Saab) Oh no,
he's taking out the woods!
Tony flings a heavy wood at the truck.
The Saab leads the truck down the road, with Tony hurling club
club over his shoulder and into the front of the truck.
(yelling at Tony) You'll have to do
a lot better than that!
Tony hurls the golf bag at the truck. It slams solidly against
windshield, Kramer flinches, the truck swerves. The front wheel
runs over a club on
the tarmac and the tyre bursts.
(hearing the noises) What's happening!
The truck is rattling and lurching as it struggles along the
This truck is dying. We're losing him.
The Saab easily outpaces the truck and accelerates away. The
staggers to a halt, giving out a death rattle. A cloud of steam
and smoke erupts from
under the hood.
I think we lost him.
(quietly) Can you stop and pick up those
(subdued) Yeah, yeah, I'll get 'em.
Jerry hangs up.
Kramer climbs out of the truck and looks back down the road.
the deflated tyre. Coming to the front of the truck, he picks
a club off
the front bumper and pulls the broken shaft of another out of
Kramer walks along the road with the bent and broken clubs. He
upon the bag and transfers the clubs into it. Slinging it over
his shoulder, he
continues on his way, picking up more battered golf clubs as
Newman, the farmer and the farmer's daughter sit round the kitchen
table. They are working their way through a generous meal.
Enjoy that mutton?
(mouth full) It's delicious mutton.
This is uh, this is outta
sight. I would, I would love to get the recipe. It's very good.
The farmer's daughter is staring at Newman and toying with her
touching it to her lips and teeth. (It's difficult to be arousing
with cutlery, but
she's giving it a pretty good shot.) Newman notices this and
tries to take a
nonchalant sip from a glass, but it goes down the wrong way and
That cider too strong for you?
No, no. I love strong cider. (for the
benefit) I'm a big, strong, cider guy.
The farmer's daughter licks her lips.
Gonna be milking Holsteins in the morning,
if you'd like to
lend a hand.
(reluctant) You know, I don't really
know that much about uh..
I don't have any.. I don't.. I don't think I know much about
Ahh, Susie here'll teach you.
The farmer's daughter goes wide eyed.
Just gotta pull on the teat a little.
Susie and Newman half-laugh nervously.
(suggestive) Nice having a big, strong,
You know, those mail bags, they get
mighty heavy. I uh, I
Nautilus, of course. (puffs out his chest)
The farmer looks at him oddly.
(breaking from his pose) Can I have
George is using a payphone in the corner of the room. His free
holding the waistband of his trousers. In the background are
a couple of
inmates and visitors, and an orderly. Notable among them are
Pop and Deena Lazzari,
previously seen in 'The Gum'.
(desperate) Steinbrenner had me committed!
I'm in the nuthouse!
I'll be back same time next week, Pop.
(quieter desperation) They took my belt,
Jerry. I got nothing
to hold my pants up. (listens) Well, you gotta come over here
now! Just tell 'em
what we talked about, how I, how I, I didn't do the project.
Deena spots George as she makes her way out of the room.
George looks like his salvation has arrived. He hangs up the
I see you're finally getting some help.
Aw, hoh, oh Deena, thank God. (he hugs
Deena) Thank God you're
here. Listen, you gotta help me. You gotta tell these people
that I'm okay.
You know that I don't belong in here.
George, this is the best thing for you.
(she walks away)
Yea... (sinks in) What? No, no!
As he tries to follow Deena, the orderly grabs hold of him and
Deena! Deena, wait a... Deena, help!
George is almost in tears and hops from foot to foot in frustration
the orderly holds him. Pop Lazzari wanders over.
Is that little Georgie C? How's the
folks? You still got that nice
Kramer approaches a familiar farmhouse. As he mounts the steps
the porch, a commotion erupts inside the place. A gunshot rings
out and the
farmer's daughter screams. Kramer flinches. The farmer can be
angrily. The door is flung open and Newman runs out pulling up
(screaming in panic) Aaah!! Aaah!
What you doing?!
(pushing past Kramer) Kramer, help me!
Newman sets off running. From the door of the farmhouse comes
farmer, armed with a shotgun, closely followed by his daughter,
whose shirt is undone
and hair is dishevelled.
(takes one look and sets off after Newman)
(taking aim) I told you to keep away
from my daughter!
As Kramer and Newman reach the edge of the crops, the farmer
shot. Both Newman and Kramer leap in the air and run into the
cover of the crop.
Before the farmer can fire again, his daughter pushes the barrel
of the shotgun
downward, spoiling his aim.
No daddy, you'll hurt him! I love him!
(waving after Newman) Goodbye Norman,
Elaine is sitting with her head in her hands. Peterman enters
at a rush.
(excited) Elaine! You found the clubs.
That's wonderful news. Where are they?
(not the soul of happiness) Yep. Lemme
get 'em for you, Mr Peterman.
Oh, I'll be inaugrating them this weekend,
with none other than Ethel Kennedy.
A woman whose triumph in the face of
tragedy is exceeded only by her proclivity
Elaine puts the bag of clubs down beside Peterman. The clubs
are, of course, wrecked. Elaine looks like she's expecting a
poor reaction. Peterman picks up a club or two, staring in disbelief
at the twisted metal.
The uh, the letter of, authenticity's
in the side pocket there.
Elaine. I never knew Kennedy had such
(spotting a chance to keep her job)
Oh. Oh yeah. The only thing worse was
his slice. (she laughs nervously)
See you on Monday.
Peterman picks up the bag and heads for the door.
Have a good game.
The Bottle Deposit Part 2
Writers : Gregg Kavet Andy Robin
Genres : Comedy