THE BURNING
Written by
Jennifer Crittenden
Elaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her
last minute
instructions.
PUDDY
Alright, be careful with the car, babe.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah.
PUDDY
And don't move the seat, I got it right
where I like it.
ELAINE
Goodbye?
PUDDY
Two and ten, babe.
ELAINE
Okay.
PUDDY
Don't peel out.
ELAINE
I won't.
is all, Jesus picks me up when I fall..." Elaine changes the
stations but all
of the presets are set to religious radio stations; "And he said
unto
Abraham...", "Amen! Amen!", "So we pray...", "Saved!", "Jey-sus!"
She turns
off the radio.
ELAINE
Jesus?
Meeting at George's office. His Boss, Mr. Kruger, is speaking.
KRUGER
According to our latest quarterly thing,Kruger
Industrial Smoothing is
heading into the red. Or the black, or whatever the bad one is.
Any thoughts?
GEORGE
Well, I know when I'm a little strapped,
I sometimes drop off my rent
check having forgotten to sign it. That could buy us some time.
KRUGER
Works for me. Good thinking, George.
CO-WORKER 1
Alright, George.
CO-WORKER 2
Way to go man.
GEORGE
Or we don't even send the check and
then when they call, we pretend
we're the cleaning service. Heh heh. "Hello? I sorry, no here
Kruger."
KRUGER
Are you done? Silly voices, c'mon people,
let's get real.
CO-WORKER 1
Good one.
CO-WORKER 2
That was bad.
George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.
GEORGE
I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.
JERRY
And then?
GEORGE
I lost them. I can usually come up with
one good comment during a
meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and
bad puns.
JERRY
Showmanship, George. When you hit that
high note, you say goodnight and
walk off.
GEORGE
I can't just leave.
JERRY
That's the way they do it in Vegas.
GEORGE
You never played Vegas.
JERRY
I hear things.
Elaine enters and has a seat.
ELAINE
Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and
all the presets on his radio
were Christian rock stations.
GEORGE
I like Christian rock. It's very positive.
It's not like those real
musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
ELAINE
So, you think that Puddy actually believes
in something?
JERRY
It's a used car, he probably never changed
the presets.
ELAINE
Yes, he is lazy.
JERRY
Plus he probably doesn't even know how
to program the buttons.
ELAINE
Yes, he is dumb.
JERRY
So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
ELAINE
Dumb and lazy, I understand.
GEORGE
Tell you how you could check.
ELAINE
How?
GEORGE
Reprogram all the buttons, see if he
changes them back. You know? The
old switcheroo.
JERRY
No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison
your drink then you switch it
with the other person's.
GEORGE
No, it's doing the same thing to someone
that they did to you.
JERRY
Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing
to Puddy's radio that the radio
did to her.
GEORGE
Well that's the gist of it!
ELAINE
Quiet! So where is this Sophie?
JERRY
Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes.
ELAINE
How long have you two been together?
JERRY
I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here
she is. You wanna meet her?
ELAINE AND GEORGE
Nah.
Jerry leaves to go meet Sophie by the register.
GEORGE
By the way, how did Puddy get back in
the picture?
ELAINE
I needed to move a bureau.
Kramer and Mickey enter Jerry's apartment.
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, you got any pepper?
MICKEY
Hey Jerry.
JERRY
Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.
KRAMER
Yeah. (inhales some pepper then sneezes
violently) See? It should
sound like that, something like that.
MICKEY
Aah-choo.
KRAMER
A little wetter. See, I didn't believe
it.
JERRY
What's with the fake sneezing?
KRAMER
Yeah, we're going down to Mt. Sinai
Hospital, See they hire actors to
help the students practice diagnosing.
MICKEY
They assign you a specific disease and
you act out the symptoms. It's
an easy gig.
JERRY
Do medical schools actually do this?
KRAMER
Well the better ones. Alright, let's
practice retching.
KRAMER AND MICKEY
HUAAHHH!!
JERRY
I think the phone is ringing.
KRAMER AND MICKEY
HUAAHHH!!
JERRY
Would you hold it a second?! Thank you,
will you get out of here with
that stuff?
KRAMER
Mickey, DTs.
Kramer and Mickey exit, shaking, while Jerry answers the phone.
JERRY
Hello?
SOPHIE
Hey. It's me.
JERRY
Elaine?
SOPHIE
No, it's me.
JERRY
George??
SOPHIE
Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe
you don't recognize my voice.
JERRY
Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking.
I'm a comedian.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
You got any Ipecac?
JERRY
Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys
are going too far with this.
KRAMER
No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.
JERRY
Did he overdose?
KRAMER
No, it's just too much.
Office meeting at Kruger Industrial Smoothing.
KRUGER
...And it gets worse. The team working
on the statue in Lafayette
Square kind of over-smoothed it. They ground the head down to
about the size of
a softball, and that spells trouble.
GEORGE
Alright, well why don't we smooth the
head down to nothing, stick a
pumpkin under its arm and change the nameplate to Ichabod Crane?
Everyone at the meeting breaks out in laughter.
GEORGE
Alright! That's it for me. Goodnight
everybody.
Mt. Sanai Hospital, a woman in a lab coat is handing out envelopes
to a group of
people, Mickey and Kramer included.
DR. WEXLER
In your packet you will find the disease
you have been assigned and
the symptoms you will need to exhibit.
MICKEY
Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!
KRAMER
Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?
MICKEY
Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of
diseases. Severe pain, nausea,
delusions, it's got everything.
KRAMER
Howbout you, do you wanna trade?
MAN
Sure.
KRAMER
Okay, what do you got?
MAN
The surgeon left a sponge inside me.
KRAMER
Good luck with that.
George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked
the crowd and I was gone.
JERRY
What did you do the rest of the day?
GEORGE
I saw "Titanic". So that old woman,
she's just a liar, right?
JERRY
And a bit of a tramp if you ask me.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hello boys.
GEORGE
Hey, so, did you give that radio the
old switcheroo?
ELAINE
I did.
GEORGE
And the Christian rock?
ELAINE
Ressurected! And look what I pried off
of his bumper, a Jesus fish!
GEORGE
Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?
JERRY
No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual
person?
ELAINE
Well yeah, I got him because he seemed
so one-dimensional, I feel
misled.
GEORGE
I think it's neat. You don't hear that
much about god anymore.
JERRY
I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me
the "It's me" on the phone today.
ELAINE
"It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?
JERRY
I thought so.
ELAINE
Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".
GEORGE
I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed
and egotistical, it's
like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Well, I got gonorrhea.
ELAINE
That seems about right.
KRAMER
That's what they gave me.
GEORGE
They? The Government?
JERRY
No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea
so med students can diagnose
it.
KRAMER
And it's a waste of my talent. It's
just a little burning. Mickey, he
got bacterial meningitis.
GEORGE
I guess there are no small diseases,
only small actors.
The other three start laughing.
GEORGE
Alright that's it for me. Good night
everybody.
ELAINE
What was that?
JERRY
Showmanship, George is trying to get
out on a high note.
KRAMER
See, showmanship. Maybe that's what
my gonorrhea is missing.
JERRY
Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt
that gonorrhea out to the back
row.
KRAMER
Yes, yes I will! I'm gonna make people
feel my gonorrhea, and feel the
gonorrhea themselves.
Mt. Sanai Hospital. Kramer is on the table surrounded by med
students.
STUDENT #1
And are you experiencing any discomfort?
KRAMER
Just a little burning during urination.
STUDENT #1
Okay, any other pain?
KRAMER
The haunting memories of lost love.
May I? (signals to Mickey)
Lights? (Mickey turns down the lights and Kramer lights a cigar)
Our eyes met
across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish
haberdasher.
Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew,
and so we
danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination
that I would
experience soon afterwards.
STUDENT #1
Gonorrhea?!
KRAMER
Gonorrhea!
The lab breaks out in spontaneous applause as Mickey turns up
the lights and
Kramer takes a bow.
Jerry and George are back at Jerry's apartment. Jerry is checking
his phone
messages.
JERRY
One message. Hope it's not from you.
ANSWERING MACHINE
"Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back."
JERRY
Sophie.
GEORGE
She's still doing that?
JERRY
Yep.
GEORGE
Alright, I'll tell you what you do.
You call her back and give her the
"it's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.
JERRY
I think that's a "what's good for the
goose is good for the gander".
GEORGE
What the hell is a gander, anyway?
JERRY
It's a goose that's had the old
switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me.
SOPHIE
Hey Raef.
JERRY
She thinks it's someone named Raef.
GEORGE
Good, let her think it.
JERRY
So, what's going on?
SOPHIE
Not a lot.
GEORGE
Ask about you, ask about you.
JERRY
So, uh, how are things with Jerry?
SOPHIE
Oh, I really like him but, well, I still
haven't told him the tractor
story.
JERRY
Right, right, the tractor story.
SOPHIE
Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda
funny.
JERRY
I sound funny?
GEORGE
Abort! Abort!
JERRY
Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye.
(Hangs up) That was close! What
drives me to take chances like that?
GEORGE
That was very real.
JERRY
She said there's some tractor story
that she hasn't told me about.
GEORGE
Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep,
beep, beep. Tractor story?
JERRY
Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?
Elaine and Puddy are at Puddy's apartment.
ELAINE
So where do you wanna eat?
PUDDY
Feels like an Arby's night.
ELAINE
Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe
in god?
PUDDY
Yes.
ELAINE
Oh. So, you're pretty religious?
PUDDY
That's right.
ELAINE
So is it a problem that I'm not really
religious?
PUDDY
Not for me.
ELAINE
Why not?
PUDDY
I'm not the one going to hell.
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
GEORGE
You know what I think? I bet she stole
a tractor.
JERRY
No one's stealing a tractor, it's a
five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're
dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement.
GEORGE
Does she walk around holding a pen she
never seems to need?
JERRY
No, she looks completely normal.
GEORGE
Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She
lost her thumbs in a tractor
accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.
JERRY
You think she's got toes for thumbs?
GEORGE
How's her handshake? A little firm,
isn't it? Maybe a little too
firm?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
Hands a little smelly?
JERRY
Why do I seek your counsel?
Elaine walks in.
ELAINE
Well I'm going to hell.
JERRY
That seems about right.
ELAINE
According to Puddy.
JERRY
Hey, have you heard the one about the
guy in hell with the coffee and
the doughtnuts and--
ELAINE
I'm not in the mood.
GEORGE
I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.
JERRY
What do you care? You don't believe
in hell.
ELAINE
I know, but he does.
JERRY
So it's more of a relationship problem
than the final destination of
your soul.
ELAINE
Well, relationships are very important
to me.
JERRY
Maybe you can strike one up with the
prince of darkness as you burn for
all eternity.
GEORGE
And a slice of devil's food
cake.
Kruger's office. George enters, seeing nobody but Mr. Kruger.
GEORGE
Hey. Where is everyone?
MR. KRUGER
They're all off the project. They were
boring. George, you are my
main man.
GEORGE
I am?
MR. KRUGER
I don't know what it is, I can't put
my finger on it, but lately
you have just seemed 'on'. And you always leave me wanting more.
GEORGE
This is a huge project involving lots
of numbers and papers and
folders.
MR. KRUGER
Ah, I'm not too worried about it. Let's
get started.
GEORGE
Okay.
MR. KRUGER
George? Check it out. (He begins to
spin around in his chair)
Three times around, no feet.
GEORGE
And?
MR. KRUGER
All me.
Kramer and Mickey are back at Mt. Sinai.
DR. WEXLER
Alright, and here are you ailments for
this week. By the way, Mr.
Kramer, you were excellent.
KRAMER
Oh, thank you.
MICKEY
Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice!
Alright I get to wear make-up!
What did you get?
KRAMER
Gonorrhea? Excuse me, I think there's
been a mistake, see, I had
gonorrhea last week.
DR. WEXLER
Oh, it's no mistake. We loved what you
did with it.
KRAMER
I don't believe this, I'm being typecast.
Jerry and Sophie are at Jerry's playing chess.
SOPHIE
I move my knight... here. Check.
JERRY
They should update these pieces, nobody
rides horses anymore. Maybe
they should change it to a tractor.
SOPHIE
Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're
losing?
JERRY
Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control
of my car, almost bought the
farm.
SOPHIE
Bought the farm?
JERRY
Tractor!
SOPHIE
This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I
feel uncomfortable.
JERRY
Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle.
Sophie drops her purse and when she bends down to pick it up,
Jerry nods
knowingly.
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
GEORGE
A scar?
JERRY
A big long scar where her leg would
dangle when she's riding a...?
GEORGE
A tractor.
JERRY
I'm sure she's a little self-conscious
and doesn't like to talk about
it.
GEORGE
I don't see why's she more self-conscious
about that than her toe
thumbs.
JERRY
She doesn't have toe thumbs.
GEORGE
Well, if she keeps horsing around with
that tractor--
JERRY
Alright. So how's the two-man operation
at Kruger?
GEORGE
Two-man? It's all me. Kruger doesn't
do anything; Disappears for
hours at a time, gives me fake excuses. This afternoon I found
him with sleep
creases on his face. The only reason I got out to get a bite
today was that he
finally promised to buckle down and do some actual work. (turning
around, George
sees Mr. Kruger at a booth eating a piece of cake) Oh, I don't
believe this.
This is what I have to put up with, Jerry. (He walks over) Mr.
Kruger? Who
said he was going to do some actual work today? Who?
MR. KRUGER
I'm not too worried about it.
GEORGE
Well I am. Couldn't you try to go through
some of that stuff I put in
your shoebox?
MR. KRUGER
Alright, alright I'm going.
GEORGE
Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything
like this?
JERRY
Never.
Elaine's hallway. The door opens, Puddy steps out in his bathrobe.
There's a
newspaper in front of the door across from Elaine's.
PUDDY
Elaine, they forgot to deliver your
paper today. Why don't you just
grab that one.
ELAINE
'Cause that belongs to Mr. Potato Guy,
that's his.
PUDDY
C'mon, get it.
ELAINE
Well if you want it, you get it.
PUDDY
Sorry, thou shalt not steal.
ELAINE
Oh, but it's ok for me?
PUDDY
What do you care, you know where you're
going.
ELAINE
Alright, that is it! I can't live like
this.
PUDDY
Nah.
ELAINE
C'mon.
PUDDY
Alright, what did I do?
ELAINE
David, I'm going to hell! The worst
place in the world! With devils
and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god,
the heat! I
mean, what do you think about all that?
PUDDY
Gonna be rough.
ELAINE
Uh, you should be trying to save me!
PUDDY
Don't boss me! This is why you're going
to hell.
ELAINE
I am not going to hell and if you think
I'm going to hell, you should
care that I'm going to hell even though I am not.
PUDDY
You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?
ELAINE
Yeah, that's right!
Elaine places her hands beside her head, index fingers raised
as 'horns' and she
emits a gutteral growling sound.
Mt Sanai Hospital. The actors are gathered. Mickey is practicing
his part.
MICKEY
Oh, my liver! Why did I drink all those
years? Why did I look for
love in a bottle?
DR. WEXLER
Mr. Kramer? You're up.
Kramer walks in, his face is noticably yellow.
MICKEY
Wait a minute. You are doing gonorrhea,
aren't you?
KRAMER
Well, we'll see.
STUDENT #2
So, what seems to be bothering you today,
Mr. Kramer?
KRAMER
Well, I guess it
started about twenty years ago when I got back from Viet Nam,
and this was the
only friend I had left.
MICKEY
Hey! That's my cirrhosis! He's stealing
my cirrhosis! (he jumps
Kramer) You wanna be sick? I'll make you sick.
They fall to the floor, wrestling.
STUDENT #2
Cirrhosis of the liver and PCP addiction?
Elaine and Puddy have gone to see a priest, Father Curtis.
FATHER CURTIS
Let me see if I understand this. You're
concerned that he isn't
concerned that you're going to hell. And you feel that she's
too bossy.
ELAINE AND PUDDY
Yeah, that's right.
FATHER CURTIS
Well, oftentimes in cases of inter-faith
marriages, couples have
difficulty--
ELAINE
Woah, woah, woah! No one's getting married
here.
FATHER CURTIS
You aren't?
PUDDY
No.
ELAINE
We're just, you know, having a good
time.
FATHER CURTIS
Oh, well then it's simple. You're both
going to hell.
PUDDY
No way, this is bogus, man!
ELAINE
Well, thank you father.
FATHER CURTIS
Oh, did you hear the one about the new
guy in hell who's talkng
to the devil by the coffee machine?
PUDDY
I'm really not in the mood, I'm going
to hell.
ELAINE
Oh, lighten up. It'll only feel like
an eternity.
Elaine makes the same 'fingers up' devil gesture as she did in
her apartment and
Father Curtis joins in.
Jerry and Sophie ar at Jerry's apartment.
SOPHIE
You know, Jerry, there's this thing
that I haven't told you about.
See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.
JERRY
Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor
story and I'm fine with it.
SOPHIE
How could you know?
Jerry (putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own,
then back to
SOPIE'S)
Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's
important is I'm not
gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very
long-term and
meaningful relationship.
Kramer and Mickey barge in, they're in the middle of an argument.
KRAMER
...I didn't say that, no.
MICKEY
You gave me gonorrhea, you didn't even
tell me!
KRAMER
Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea
because I thought you'd have fun
with it.
JERRY
Hey, hey! I'm with someone.
KRAMER
Oh. Hello.
SOPHIE
No, I understand. This could be a tough
thing to deal with. The
important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
KRAMER
You know? She's right.
SOPHIE
Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner.
I got gonorrhea from a
tractor.
JERRY
You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And
you call *that* your tractor
story??
KRAMER
You can't get it from that.
SOPHIE
But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea
from riding the tractor
in my bathing suit.
JERRY
Alright, that's it for me. You've been
great. Goodnight
everybody.
Mr. Kruger and George are burning the midnight oil. George is
working, Mr.
Kruger is bouncing a ball against the wall and catching it. George
is
percolating.
GEORGE
Would you mind helping me out with some
of this stuff?!?
MR. KRUGER
You seem like you've got a pretty good
handle on it.
GEORGE
No! I don't! Don't you even care? This
is your company! It's your
name on the outside of the building! Speaking of which, the 'R'
fell off and
all it says now is K-uger!
MR. KRUGER
K-uger, that sounds like one of those
old-time car horns, huh?
K-uger! K-uger!
GEORGE
Huh-ho! Oh! You are too much, Mr. Kruger!
Too much!
MR. KRUGER
Thank you George, you've been great.
That's
it for me.
GEORGE
Oh no, you're not going out on a high
note with me Mr. Kruger!
MR. KRUGER
It's K-uger!
GEORGE
No! No!
MR. KRUGER
Goodnight everybody!
THE END
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