THE BUTTER SHAVE
Written by
Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel
Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their
regular booth.
A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper
to reveal...
a moustache.
GEORGE
What is Holland?
JERRY
What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's
a
country right next to Belgium.
GEORGE
No, that's the Netherlands.
JERRY
Holland *is* the Netherlands.
GEORGE
Then who are the Dutch?
JERRY
You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.
GEORGE
I know, I hate it too. I feel like an
out of work porn star.
JERRY
I told you, we should have taken some
kind of vacation.
GEORGE
Well why didn't we?
JERRY
Because you said this would be better.
Remember? A vacation from
ourselves. That's what you said.
GEORGE
What if we grew muttonchops?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!
JERRY
Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry,
you've gotta get a job.
GEORGE
Dammit.
George approaches Jerry at the bar of a nightclub, carrying a
cane.
GEORGE
Hey hey hey, check me out, huh?
JERRY
No more crutches, that must be a relief.
GEORGE
Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions.
JERRY
Not with a cane?
GEORGE
Nah, with crutches it's a funny story,
with a cane it's a sad story. You through
with those?
George uses the cane handle to drag a bowl of pretzels over from
the other end of the bar.
JERRY
Always a sad story. Hey, you should
have been here tonight. Some guy
from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have
another shot at a pilot.
GEORGE
Alright, we're back in!
JERRY
We? No.
CLUB ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania.
Applause from off camera, then Bania walks up to the bar.
BANIA
Thank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey,
Jerry, didja see me up there? I
was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.
JERRY
Killed?
BANIA
Killed. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up
some chicks. Good looking ones too!
(walking away) Hey, what's your name?
GEORGE
Killed.
JERRY
Because I killed first and warmed up
the crowd. He's like that fish that
attaches himself to the shark.
GEORGE
And you're the shark?
JERRY
Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish
eating my laughs.
GEORGE
I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.
JERRY
Well, I'm glad I brought it up.
Jerry's apartment. George and Jerry are there, clean shaven,
George is on the phone. Kramer walks in wearing a moustache.
KRAMER
Got any shredded coconut?
JERRY
Uh, we're not doing that any more.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, right. (walks out)
GEORGE
Oh my god.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I got a job interview. They want to
see me this afternoon.
JERRY
So what's this job?
GEORGE
Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.
JERRY
Knicks? Rangers?
GEORGE
Playground equipment.
JERRY
Welcome back to the show.
Kramer walks back in, clean shaven.
KRAMER
Yeah, this is better. So, you got any
shredded coconut?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
I gotta hobble. (walks out)
Kramer puts some aftershave on his lip.
KRAMER
D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving cream.
I'm getting no protection.
JERRY
What kind do you use?
KRAMER
Whatever you get.
JERRY
Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe.
KRAMER
Don't tell me she's dragging another
poor guy across Europe.
JERRY
Remember David Puddy?
KRAMER
She's dating him again, huh?
JERRY
Well, I guess she's batted around and
she's back at the top of the order.
KRAMER
Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine.
That guy's coming home in a body bag.
Atlas map of Scandinavia with Oslo, Norway highlighted. Cut to
Elaine and Puddy in the back seat of a taxi.
PUDDY
Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner,
a five kroner, a twenty kroner. No wait,
that's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner?
How much is that?
ELAINE
We have to break up.
PUDDY
What?
ELAINE
I can't take this any more! I don't
want to hear how interesting the change
with the hole in it is! And if you tell
me what time it is in New York again,
you are going home in a body bag!
PUDDY
Well what about you? What do you think
The Gap in Rome has that's not in The
Gap on Broadway?
ELAINE
Okay, alright listen. Forget about The
Gap because we are through!
PUDDY
Fine!
ELAINE
Fine!
CAB DRIVER
Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight.
Interior of an airplane. Elaine and Puddy are seated together.
CAPTAIN
Ladies and gentlemen, our flight time,
with stopovers, will be approximately
22 hours.
ELAINE
Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart
or what?
Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are there.
KRAMER
Hey, what are you doing?
JERRY
Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came
undone and touched the floor of a men's
room. That's the end of that.
KRAMER
Did you see Bania's set last night?
'Cause I read on the Internet he killed.
JERRY
He killed. He only does well when he
has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot
hit.
KRAMER
Well, you gotta give him some credit.
(starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter
across his face) You're just being totally
ridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see
you later buddy.
JERRY
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
Do I have to ask?
KRAMER
I ran out of butter so I had to borrow
yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?
Kramer starts to walk out, Jerry grabs him by the shirttail and
drags him back.
JERRY
Why are you buttering your face?
KRAMER
I'm shaving with it.
JERRY
Oh Moses smell the roses.
KRAMER
Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial
shaving cream. Now feel my face.
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
Feel it.
JERRY
I don't want to.
KRAMER
Feel it. Feel it.
Jerry places two slices of bread against Kramer's face.
JERRY
That is close.
Kramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's
apartment.
George's job interview at Play Now Sporting Goods.
GEORGE
I got the job?
MR. THOMASSOULO
I don't want you to think that anyone's
gonna treat you any differently just
because of your, uh, handicap.
GEORGE
Handicap? (gesturing to his cane) I'm
not handicapped.
MR. THOMASSOULO
I'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged.
GEORGE
Yeah, I didn't mean that.
MR. THOMASSOULO
Of course you will have your own private,
fully equipped bathroom.
GEORGE
When do I start?
MR. THOMASSOULO
Whenever you feel that you're able.
(Rises to show George out) Um, you need
a hand here.
GEORGE
Yeah, what the hell.
Monk's. George and Jerry are in their regular booth.
JERRY
You got the job?
GEORGE
Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people
over there. They treat me so great.
You know they think I'm handicapped,
they gave me this incredible office,
a great view.
JERRY
Hold on, they think you're handicapped?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane.
You should see the bathroom they gave
me!
JERRY
How can you do this?
GEORGE
Jerry, let's face it, I've always been
handicapped. I'm just now getting the
recognition for it. Name one thing I
have that puts me in a position of advantage.
Huh? There was a guy that worked at
the Yankees-- no arms! He got more work
done than I did, made more money, had
a wife, a family, drove a better car
than I did.
JERRY
He drove a car with no arms?
GEORGE
Alright I made up the part about the
car, but the rest is true. He hated
me anyway!
JERRY
Do you know how hard it's getting just
to tell people I know you?
GEORGE
I love that bathroom. It's got that
high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle
perched on the ledge of a building.
Kramer walks up holding an institutional sized container of butter.
KRAMER
They hooked me up.
GEORGE
What's with all the butter?
KRAMER
I'm shaving with it, and you know what
I discovered?
JERRY
You can eat it?
KRAMER
No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna
use it all over my body.
Jerry smirks, Kramer walks away.
JERRY
Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna.
GEORGE
Who?
JERRY
The tooth brush in the toilet bowl.
Bania and Jenna walk over.
BANIA
Hey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good
lookin' huh?
JENNA
Jerry's the guy that I dated right before
you.
BANIA
Oh. This is awkward.
JENNA
Don't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry,
you're a pleasure.
Bania and Jenna leave.
JERRY
I don't believe this.
GEORGE
You miss her, don't you?
JERRY
No! He's riding my coattails again.
He's getting everything off me, first
laughs now ladies.
GEORGE
You miss her.
Puddy and Elaine on the plane.
PUDDY
You know I think ultimately, I'm upset
with myself. I knew what I was getting
into, she's a bitter, unstable person.
I mean the sex was good. I'm sure it
was fine for her. I need more.
ELAINE
Huh. You believing this?
PASSENGER
Excuse me, I was sleeping.
ELAINE
You missed quite a performance.
Elaine drinks from a can of juice.
PASSENGER
That's my apple juice.
A "Handicapped George montage" at Play Now Sporting Goods. With
"Morning Train"
by Sheena Easton as the background, George rides up the stairs
on a rail, is
carried through the hall by a woman, is caught 'fencing' with
his cane and fakes
a lame knee, and trips a co-worker with the cane handle and gets
laughs from
everyone, including the man he tripped.
Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely
by Newman.
JERRY
Someone's cooking.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder
this silly gulf between us and I say,
"Why?" Are we really so different. For
what is--
JERRY
I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.
NEWMAN
Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule.
Um, somebody's got something on the
griddle. Maybe it's Kramer.
JERRY
No, he's up on the roof getting some
sun with the butter - pause - Oh no!
NEWMAN
Butter?
Back to the airplane. Elaine and Puddy indirectly attack each
other.
PASSENGER
-Fimty kroner.
ELAINE
You know my last boyfriend, he had a
real kroner
comprehension problem. No what I mean? A real cement head.
Puddy and the woman across the aisle share a laugh.
WOMAN
David, you are so funny.
PUDDY
Yeah, I know.
ELAINE
What are you doing?
PUDDY
It's a long flight, Elaine. I had to
get on with my life.
ELAINE
By making time with some floozy across
the aisle?
PUDDY
Yeah, that's right. Well, what's going
on over there with you and, uh, vegetable
lasagna?
ELAINE
This guy? He's an idiot. He doesn't
mean anything to me.
PASSENGER
I can hear you.
PUDDY
Well, she doesn't mean anything to me
either. If it were up to me, we'd still
be together.
ELAINE
Well maybe I feel the same way.
PUDDY
Ok.
ELAINE
Ok, so now what?
PUDDY
Let's make out.
Roof of Jerry and Kramer's building, very bright and sunny. Kramer
is decked out shirtless
and sleeping on a lawn chair, and he's bright red.
JERRY
Kramer!
KRAMER
Oh, man. I think I cooked myself.
JERRY
Look at your skin.
KRAMER
Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done.
Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in.
KRAMER
I'm fried.
JERRY
Technically, you're sautéed. So, what
are you doing for that?
KRAMER
Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist
so I don't dry out.
JERRY
Is that what the doctor said?
KRAMER
No, I read an article in Bon Appetite
magazine.
Kramer leaves, George enters, limping.
GEORGE
Hmm. Game hen?
JERRY
Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing
your work home with you?
GEORGE
No, I fake limp on my right. This is
a real limp because I sprained my ankle.
JERRY
What happened?
GEORGE
Well, I was buttering myself up for
a nice shave --
JERRY
Oh no, not you too?
GEORGE
I must have dripped some on the floor
and I slipped and...
JERRY
You know what's good for that? Relish.
Phone rings, Jerry answers.
JERRY
Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.
What? No. No! No! No!! No!!!
Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania
to the network showcase and he's going on right after me.
GEORGE
So what, he's got a couple of good jokes.
JERRY
Like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink
out of the toilet? Shopping
carts with one bad wheel?
GEORGE
That's true, that always happens to
me.
JERRY
You think that's funny?
GEORGE
I don't know, I like stuff you don't
have to think about too much.
JERRY
You like Bania's act. You're a closet
Bania fan!
GEORGE
maybe I am.
JERRY
Oh, I'm gonna puke.
GEORGE
Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing)
puke! Don't have to
think about that.
Elaine and Puddy on the plane.
ELAINE
I can't believe we broke up like that.
Elaine starts reading, Puddy stares off into space.
ELAINE
Do you want something to read?
PUDDY
Nah.
ELAINE
Well, are you going to take a nap or
--
PUDDY
Nah.
ELAINE
You're just going to sit there staring
at the back of a seat?
PUDDY
Yeah.
Elaine tries to read but cannot concentrate.
ELAINE
That's it! I cannot take this! I mean,
look at this, nothing has
changed. We're back together two hours, we're having the same
problems we had
12 hours ago.
PUDDY
Tell me about it, I don't know why I
ever took you back.
ELAINE
Please! I took you back. You know it,
I know it, vegetable lasagna
here knows it.
VEGETABLE LASAGNA
I don't want to get involved.
ELAINE
Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out
of the ocean and we just ram
right into it and end this whole thing!
VEGETABLE LASAGNA
Oh god.
Elaine then slams her seat back several times into the legs of
the passenger
seated behind her.
PASSENGER
Ow! Ow!!
Kramer's apartment, Kramer is in the hot tub, Newman is seated
beside it,
reading "Alive"
NEWMAN
How much longer you gonna be, I'm starving
here.
KRAMER
Just a few more squirts. Cause I gotta
stay juicy.
NEWMAN
The smell. It's still with you, huh?
KRAMER
Yeah, it's baked on it. Put some butter
in. Stir it up so it melts.
Newman stirs the hot tub with a lacrosse stick, licking his lips
and working
himself up.
KRAMER
Ahh, now I'm simmering.
Newman drops the stick and runs out.
NEWMAN
I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
George and Mr. Thomassoulo at Play Now.
MR. THOMASSOULO
Good morning, George. Is something wrong
with your other leg?
GEORGE
Oh, no, that's just the old handicap
acting up.
MR. THOMASSOULO
But your cane's on the wrong side.
GEORGE
That's just because we're standing on
opposite sides. See, when we
met, I was over there and you were over here so the image was
reversed, like in
the mirror.
They walk over to a mirrored wall.
GEORGE
See? This looks right to you, doesn't
it?
MR. THOMASSOULO
Uh, yeah, I guess.
GEORGE
But, see here.
Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong--
MR. THOMASSOULO
Will you stop it, George? Just stop
it! I think I can see
what's going on here.
Jerry's apartment, there's a beeping sound coming from the hall.
Jerry opens
the door, George rolls in on a Rascal scooter.
GEORGE
Well, you're not gonna believe what
happened.
JERRY
You mugged Stephen Hawking?
GEORGE
Play Now thinks I got problems in both
legs. My own personal Rascal,
Jerry. On the house.
George rides around the apartment.
JERRY
Well it must be comforting to know you'll
be going straight to hell at
no more than three miles an hour.
Jerry's phone rings, he answers it.
JERRY
Hello?
ELAINE
Jerry.
JERRY
Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going?
ELAINE
Awful. This trip was a *huge* mistake.
Huge!
VEGETABLE LASAGNA
Please don't shout. I can't take it.
JERRY
Who's that?
ELAINE
It's Vegetable Lasagna.
JERRY
Who?
ELAINE
Vegetable Lasagna!
VEGETABLE LASAGNA
My name is Magnus.
ELAINE
Shut up or I'll snap you in half and
stuff you in the overhead!
JERRY
Get me some duty free Kahlua.
Jerry hangs up.
GEORGE
How's the trip?
JERRY
Sounded good.
George. Well. Gotta motor.
JERRY
Hey, if you got any juice left, you
might wanna roll by the big showcase
tonight.
GEORGE
Ah, you still going on in front of Bania,
eh?
JERRY
That's right, and I'll tell you what.
I'm feeling a little off.
GEORGE
What are you talking about? You're not!
JERRY
That's right, I'm taking a dive.
GEORGE
You're throwing the set?
JERRY
I'm laying down! Then let's see how
he does up there, without all the
assistance.
GEORGE
Listen Jerry. Bania's voice is the voice
of a new generation. My
generation.
JERRY
We're four months apart.
GEORGE
nevertheless. His time has come.
George tries to back out but his front wheel becomes wedged under
Jerry's coffee
table.
GEORGE
Now if you will kindly help me unwedge
my front wheel, I'll be on my
way.
Jerry ignores him, George leans on his horn.
Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself.
NEWMAN
Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.
The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates
Kramer's head on the turkey.
KRAMER/TURKEY
Hey buddy.
Newman screams and runs out of Monks.
Jerry and Kramer in the back room of a comedy club
KRAMER
What are you doing? George tells me
you're gonna throw your set?
JERRY
That's right, Choochie. Let's see how
Bania does without the cushy
timeslot.
CLUB ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld!
Jerry removes his jacket to reveal a pair of rainbow colored
suspenders.
JERRY
If you'll excuse me.
Jerry bolts through the kitchen door, presumably towards the
stage.
Jerry (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh?
Jerry is on stage at the comedy club, Kramer is in the audience.
JERRY
What's the deal with lampshades? I mean
if it's a lamp, why do you want
shade?
Kramer laughs hysterically, he's the only one.
JERRY
And what's with people getting sick?
NEWMAN
Hee hee! Yeah yeah!
JERRY
I mean, what's the deal with cancer?
MAN IN AUDIENCE
I have cancer!
KRAMER
Oh, tough crowd.
George is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he
accidentally
bumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking
out of a nearby
store.
MAN
Hey, hey! You dented my ride.
George walks back to inspect the damage.
GEORGE
Whatcha got there, the 4 volt? Heh,
I did you a favor.
MAN
How about I do you a favor upside your
head?
GEORGE
Oh yeah?
MAN
Oh yeah.
George leaps back on his scooter and floors it.
MAN
Hey!
WOMAN
Get the bikes.
Jerry returns to the comedy club kitchen to a chorus of boos.
he's soaked with
sweat. Kramer and Bania are there.
BANIA
Ouch.
KRAMER
You didn't do so bad.
JERRY
What are you talking about? I bombed!
KRAMER
No, you had some good stuff. The cancer
bit? It was edgy, it was not
my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really
liked it.
JERRY
Like who?
KRAMER
Like that guy who yelled out.
JERRY
He had cancer!
KRAMER
And laughter is the best medicine.
JERRY
Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your
work cut out for you.
CLUB ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania!
Bania walks out, Jerry leaves, Newman walks in.
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry, he could have used your
laugh. He was a big turkey out
there.
NEWMAN
Turkey?
KRAMER
A big fat turkey.
NEWMAN
I'm sorry I missed that.
KRAMER
He worked so hard and then he just--
Kramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it
all over himself.
KRAMER
What is this, oregano?
Just then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef busts
through carrying a
bowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over
Kramer.
KRAMER
Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano
and Parmesan, and it's sticking
to me because of the butter! Look at me!
Newman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch
of green leaves
and hands them to Kramer.
NEWMAN
Here. Hold this.
KRAMER
What is this, parsley?
Newman makes as if to attack Kramer.
Jerry watching Bania from the wing.
JERRY
Ah, the sweet stench of failure.
Kramer and Newman, locked in struggle, run past Jerry and onto
the stage.
KRAMER
Get off of me, get off of me!
City sidewalk, George is leading an extremely low speed chase.
Action movie
music plays, and pedestrians walk by faster than the scooters.
George's battery
dies and his scooter stops.
MAN
Now I got you!
George jumps up from the scooter, picks it up and begins hauling
it as fast as he can. He meets up with Mr. Thomassoulo who's
exiting a building at that moment.
MR. THOMASSOULO
George? Your legs!
GEORGE
Are you a religious man, sir?
MR. THOMASSOULO
No.
Unbeknownst to George, the old man catches up to him and is about
to lay into him with a cane.
MAN
Eat hickory!!
The man swings the cane at George's head, mercifully the scene
changes to Jerry,
sitting in the bar at the comedy club drinking a glass of champagne.
Bania
walks in.
BANIA
Hey Jerry, didja see it?
JERRY
Ouch.
Two men in suits walk in and introduce themselves.
STU
Kenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and
Stu Crespi from NBC. Listen,
Kenny. Really funny out there.
JERRY
What?
JAY
That thing you did having the two guys
running through? I love stuff you don't
have to think too much about.
STU
Give us a call. We want to be in the
Kenny Bania business.
JAY
By the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A
little hacky.
BANIA
How about that Jerry? First you had
a pilot on NBC and now I'll have one.
Looks like I'm following you again.
JERRY
Oh, I'm gonna puke.
BANIA
Puke? That's a funny word. Can I use
that?
Exterior of NYC airport.
ELAINE
David, this has been the worst month
of my life and if I never see you
again it'll be too soon.
PUDDY
Ditto.
ELAINE
Oh that's origi-
PUDDY
Shut up.
Elaine gets into a taxi cab.
ELAINE
86th and Broadway please.
CAB DRIVER
I'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage.
The Transit Police are
making everybody share.
Puddy enters the cab on the left.
ELAINE
Oh no.
Vegetable Lasagna enters the cab on the right.
VEGETABLE LASAGNA
Hello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry.
ELAINE
Noooooooooooo!
Cab rides away.
THE END
|
