THE CAFE
Written by
Tom Leopold
(Comedy club)
There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly
changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's
a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's
constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like
some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open
up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows
what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land
in mother ship of close encounters, bottom will slowly open and
all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going
'I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?.'
(George and Jerry are standing outside in the street. Across
the street there is a restaurant called Dream Cafe. Sign says
Grand opening.)
GEORGE
She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always
think I'm nice, but women don't like
nice.
JERRY
This is amazing, I haven't seen one
guy going in to that restaurant since
it opened. Poor guy.
GEORGE
Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society
we are living in, when nice is bad?
JERRY
What's that smell? What are you wearing?
GEORGE
Little cologne.
JERRY
Manly.
GEORGE
Monica wants me to wear it.
JERRY
So why didn't you say no?
GEORGE
I'm too nice.
JERRY
Poor guy. His family is probably in
Pakistan waiting him to send back money.
This is horrible.
GEORGE
She wants me to take an IQ test.
JERRY
That's because you're stupid enough
to wear the cologne.
GEORGE
No, she's taking this course in education
for her masters. It's part of her research
project, I have to be a guinea pig.
JERRY
I've never been a guinea pig. I've been
a sheep, a tody.
GEORGE
You know, I can't talk to you anymore.
JERRY
All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're
taking the IQ test.
GEORGE
Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a
moron. You know, people think I'm smart,
but I'm not smart.
JERRY
Who thinks you're smart?
GEORGE
I'm not going to break a hundred in
this thing.
JERRY
What thing?
GEORGE
You don't listen when people talk to
you anymore!
JERRY
Oh, the IQ thing...yeah.
GEORGE
I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been
lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.
JERRY
What did you get?
GEORGE
What did I get or what do I say I got?
JERRY
What do you say?
GEORGE
I say fourteen o nine (1409).
JERRY
1409, that's a good score.
GEORGE
You're telling me.
JERRY
What did you really get?
GEORGE
You are my friend.
JERRY
Of course.
GEORGE
I tell you everything, right?
JERRY
I hope so.
GEORGE
Well, this I take to the grave.
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching Dream Cafe with binoculars
and Elaine is reading a newspaper.)
JERRY
He's serving Mexican ,Italian, Chinese.
He's all over the place. That's why
no one is going in.
ELAINE
Why do you keep watching?
JERRY
I don't know, I'm obsessed with it.
It's like a spider in the toilet struggling
for a survival. And even if you know
it's not going to make it, you kind
of root it for awhile.
ELAINE
And then you flush.
JERRY
Well, it's a spider.
ELAINE
You know, sometimes people won't go
in to a place, if they don't see anyone
else in there.
(Jerry pulls his sweater over his nose.)
ELAINE
You have to do that? Jerry, don't do
that, that is so annoying.
JERRY
Bazooka Joe.
(Buzzer rings and Jerry looks at Elaine who is closer to the
door.)
JERRY
The buzzer.
ELAINE
It's your house.
JERRY
My house? You have to be on the lease
to press to buzzer. Yeah?
INTERCOM
It's George.
JERRY
Come on up.
ELAINE
Casus belli.
JERRY
What's that?
ELAINE
It's Latin. I read it in some book.
I don't know, I just wanted to say it
out loud.
JERRY
Go in, go in!
ELAINE
Have you gone in there?
JERRY
No, I'm afraid if we start talking,
I'm gonna wind up going partners with
him.
(George enters. He's got some bagels and big SAT book.)
GEORGE
Hi.
JERRY
You know, I could probably shoot him
from here. I'd be doing us both a favor.
(Elaine sniffs around.)
GEORGE
I'm wearing some cologne, all right?
ELAINE
Sure, fine.
JERRY
Casus belli.
ELAINE
Casus belli.
GEORGE
What's that?
ELAINE
Since when do you wear cologne?
GEORGE
Why what I do is so important? Why must
I be always the vocal point of attention?
Let me just be, let me live.
JERRY
Hey, how did you do on that IQ test?
GEORGE
I didn't take it yet.
ELAINE
What IQ test?
GEORGE
What's casus belli.
JERRY
Oh, it's nothing...
GEORGE
Is it about me?
JERRY
Why must you always be the vocal point
of attention? Why can't you just be?
Why can't you live?
ELAINE
It's just a Latin phrase George, it
does not mean anything. Now, what is
this test?
JERRY
This woman he's dating is making him
to take this IQ test for this course.
ELAINE
Oh, that sounds like fun.
GEORGE
Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus.
They prove nothing.
ELAINE
You'll do well, you're smart.
JERRY
No see, he's not smart. People think
he's smart, but he's not.
ELAINE
What did you get on your SAT's?
GEORGE
It varies.
JERRY
You know, I don't even know my IQ.
ELAINE
Mine's 145.
GEORGE
145!
JERRY
Get out of here!
ELAINE
You get out of here!
JERRY
You get out of here!
GEORGE
You should take the test for me.
JERRY
Well, that would be something, cheating
on a IQ test. Hey, remember in college
when you passed Lettick the test out
the window? You became a legend after
that.
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah I really had some guts back
then. Why wouldn't we do that again?
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
You could take the IQ test for me. I
could pass it to you out the window.
We could do it, she lives in the first
floor.
ELAINE
Are you serious?
GEORGE
Why not?
ELAINE
Where would I take the test?
GEORGE
I don't know, she lives right around
the corner. Take it here or go to the
coffee shop.
ELAINE
No, that would be too noisy.
JERRY
Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear
a peep.
ELAINE
Hey, what do you think?
JERRY
Hey, I love a good caper.
ELAINE
Yeah, that's what is is, a caper.
GEORGE
You'll do it?
ELAINE
What the hey.
GEORGE
Yeaah, beautiful...(They try to hit
a high five, but George hits Elaine
in the forehead.) Sorry...
(Dream Cafe. Jerry comes in.)
BABU BHATT
Welcome to the Dream Cafe.
JERRY
Well, I've been looking forward to it.
BABU
Oh, how did you hear about us?
JERRY
Eh, people, people are talking.
BABU
Smoking or non smoking? We are proud
to offer both.
JERRY
Non smoking would be great.
BABU
Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I
will be your waiter. A steaming hot
face cloth for your pleasure.
JERRY
Thank you. (Throws the towel around
like a hot potato.)
BABU
Our specials are tacos, moussaka and
franks and beans.
JERRY
Well, what do you recommend my good
fellow?
BABU
Oh, the turkey.
JERRY
Oh, the turkey it'll be. And may I say
you have a splendid establishment here
, my friend. I'm sure you flourish in
this location for many many years.
BABU
You're a very kind man. Very kind, thank
you. Very kind...
JERRY THINKS
Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else
would do something like this? Nobody.
Nobody thinks about people like I do.
All right, snap out of it you stupid
jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich.
What do want, a nobel price?
(George is taking a test at Monica's bedroom.)
GEORGE
You go in the living room. I'll take
the test in here.
MONICA
But why?
GEORGE
I can't concentrate in front of you.
MONICA
Oh, I think you're making too much of
this. IQ tests don't mean anything.
GEORGE
Are you kidding me? This is the best
tool we have today of measuring a persons
intelligence.
MONICA
Well, I certainly don't place any importance
on it.
GEORGE
Well, I think you're wrong about that.
And now if you would excuse me, I would
like to get started please.
MONICA
Good luck.
GEORGE
Don't need it.
(Monica leaves and George runs to the window where Elaine is
waiting.)
ELAINE
What's been going on in there? I've
been standing here for 20 minutes.
GEORGE
I'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test.
Thanks again for doing this.
ELAINE
All right, what time do you want me
back here.
GEORGE
Eh, twenty to three.
ELAINE
Ok.
GEORGE
Thanks again.
ELAINE
All right.
GEORGE
And don't settle for 145, you can do
better, you're a genius.
(Jerry is eating at the Dream Cafe. Babu fills the water for
Jerry.)
JERRY
Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair.
You are quite the restaurateur I must
say.
BABU
It is in deed my pleasure.
JERRY
Oh, please...
(Elaine comes in.)
BABU
Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. Our specials
today...
ELAINE
Oh, no no I'll just have a tea and toast.
BABU
Tea and toast.
JERRY
Eat something! Babu...
ELAINE
Um, ok, I'll have the rigatoni.
BABU
Oh, very good choice. Very good.
(Elaine is opening an envelope and is very excited.)
JERRY
Oh wow, so you got the test. You're
cheating.
ELAINE
I know.
(Kramer comes in.)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Oh boy. Jerry let me ask you something,
hi Elaine...
ELAINE
Hey.
KRAMER
This guy leaves this jacket at my mothers
house two years ago. Now, she hasn't
spoken to him since and now he says
he wants the jacket back.
JERRY
So?
KRAMER
Well, I'm not giving it back.
JERRY
Why not?
KRAMER
Because I meat a lot of women in this
jacket, you know they're attracted to
it. Why do you think my mother went
out with him?
(Kramer takes some nachos and spills some to Elaine's test.)
KRAMER
Oh, gees...
ELAINE
Yeah, ok...(takes the test and goes
to another table.)
KRAMER
Anyway, it's been two years. I mean
isn't there like statue of limitations
on that?
JERRY
Statute.
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.
KRAMER
No, statue.
JERRY
Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations.
KRAMER
Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine!
Now you're smart, is it statue or statute
of limitations?
ELAINE
Statute.
KRAMER
Oh, I really think you're wrong.
ELAINE
Look, Kramer, I have to take this test
ok, I don't have a long of time.
KRAMER
What test?
ELAINE
An IQ test.
KRAMER
Why do you take an IQ test?
ELAINE
It's for George.
KRAMER
George?
ELAINE
Yeah, can I...can I explain it to you
later?
KRAMER
Why are you taking an IQ test for George?
ELAINE
Would you please?!
KRAMER
What, is it for a job or something?
ELAINE
Later!
KRAMER
You're positive it's statute?
ELAINE
Yes, yes!
BABU
Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face
cloth...(gives Kramer a hot towel and
Kramer screams and falls from his chair.)
(Monica's. George is reading a New Yorker on the bed and Monica
is trying to get in. The door is locked.)
MONICA
George?
GEORGE
Yeah?
MONICA
The door is locked.
GEORGE
Oh, it's locked?
MONICA
I need to get something.
GEORGE
Monica, I'm really focused here, this
stuff's a killer.
MONICA
George!
GEORGE
Wish I could.
(Dream Cafe. Babu is singing and Elaine gets distracted.)
BABU
Ladadeeda, laadadeeda....
ELAINE
Babu! If you don't mind?
(Babu comes to collect dishes from Elaine's table and knocks
down a cup of coffee.)
ELAINE
Oh my God! It's all over the test!
BABU
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
ELAINE
Oh man! Look at this...and I'm late
anyway.
BABU
Please, forgive me, please...
JERRY
Go ahead, I'll take care of it.
BABU
I'm very sorry. Tell your friends!
JERRY
It's all right, she was cheating anyway.
BABU
You're a very kind man.
JERRY
Babu, you're Pakistani?
BABU
Yes, Pakistani, yes.
JERRY
Babu, may I say something?
BABU
Of course, you're a very smart man,
I'll listen.
JERRY
I'm not a restaurateur by any means,
but it occurred to me that perhaps you
might serve some dishes from your native
Pakistan? As opposed to franks and beans
for example.
BABU
But there are no Pakistani people here.
JERRY
Doesn't matter. You would have the only
authentic Pakistani restaurant in the
whole neighborhood.
BABU
Yes, you see everything, don't you?
JERRY
Well, not everything. I do what I can.
BABU
I'll close down today and when I open
again it'll be whole Pakistani restaurant.
Thank you, thank you very much, you're
very special person, very special.
(Babu leaves)
JERRY THINKING
I am such a great guy. Who else would've
gone through the trouble of helping
this poor immigrant? I am special. My
mother was right. Of course I've never
had Pakistani food. How bad it could
be?
(Elaine is giving the test back to George.)
ELAINE
It was an accident.
GEORGE
What did you go on a picnic?
ELAINE
Babu Bhatt did it.
GEORGE
Babu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain
this?
MONICA
Time's up George.
GEORGE
Ok. (George opens the door.) Here you
go.
MONICA
How did you do?
GEORGE
Piece of cake.
MONICA
What happened to the test?
GEORGE
What? I spilled some food on it.
MONICA
Food? What food?
GEORGE
What are you talking about?
MONICA
Where did you get food?
GEORGE
From my pocket.
MONICA
What?
GEORGE
I eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.
MONICA
And coffee?
GEORGE
Yeah, had some coffee, yeah.
MONICA
Where did you get the coffee?
GEORGE
Where did I get the coffee? Where do
think I got the coffee, from the grocery
store.
MONICA
How did you get there?
GEORGE
I walked.
MONICA
How did you get out of the apartment?
I didn't see you leave.
GEORGE
I climbed out the window.
MONICA
You climbed out the window?
GEORGE
Of course.
MONICA
Why didn't you go out the door?
GEORGE
The door? Why would I go out the door?
The window is right here.
MONICA
You are a fascinating man, George Costanza.
Closed for renovation.)
JERRY
Most people in a situation like this,
they walk right by it. Not me.
ELAINE
You're very special.
(Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Hey, do me a favor. If some guy comes
in looking for me, tell him you don't
know where I am.
JERRY
Of course, I always do.
KRAMER
No, no it's that guy. He's really been
bugging me about the jacket.
ELAINE
Just give it back to him.
KRAMER
Oh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.)
(Jerry sees George from the window.)
JERRY
Hey Georgie!
GEORGE
Coming up.
JERRY
How did you do on the IQ test?!
GEORGE
85!
JERRY
What?!!
GEORGE
85, Jerry! 85 IQ !
(Jerry laughs.)
ELAINE
85?
JERRY
Well, well, well...
ELAINE
He's coming up?
JERRY
Well, I'm no genius, but according to
my calculations he should be here in
a few seconds.
ELAINE
Yeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous.
JERRY
Well, maybe the test was gender bias,
you know a lot of questions about hunting
and testicles...
(George comes in looking angry.)
GEORGE
Oh, hello professor.
ELAINE
George, I cannot believe...
GEORGE
Please...
ELAINE
No there has got be a mistake.
GEORGE
You should've seen her face. It was
the exact same look my father gave me
when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
JERRY
But an 85?
ELAINE
There were too many distractions there.
Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I
couldn't concentrate.
JERRY MOCKING
It was a madhouse.
ELAINE
Jerry! It was! Let me take it again.
GEORGE
Whow, forget it.
ELAINE
Oh, come on, come on. I guarantee 140.
What do you have to lose?
GEORGE
You could do worst!
ELAINE
No, no, I guarantee it.
GEORGE
All right, I'll ask her.
ELAINE
Ok, now where I'm going to take it.
JERRY
Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be
no distractions.
(Dream Cafe. Babu is on the window looking gloomy. Jerry comes
in.)
JERRY
Well, congratulations my friend. You
know, I sorry I missed the grand re-opening.
I was out of town for about a week.
BABU
You see how I listened. I worked very
hard, borrowed more money.
JERRY
I think it's fantastic. Has a certain
indefinable charm.
BABU
You wish to eat?
JERRY
Let me tell you something Babu. You
go back there in that kitchen and tell
your chef I want the works.
BABU
Very good.
JERRY THINKING
Very good? No, not very good, very great.
I am very, very great.
(Jerry's apartment. Elaine is finishing the test.)
(Monica's bedroom. George is pacing the room.)
(Jerry's monologue.)
You know the IQ test has always that sample question at the beginning
where they show how to fill in the circle. It should be the first
eliminating point right there. Anybody goes outside of that circle,
yeah you wanna come with us, yeah you're done, the test is over,
you went outside the circle ok?
(Jerry's apartment. Elaine finishes the test and is packing the
stuff.)
(Kramer charges in and locks the door behind him.)
ELAINE
What are you doing?
KRAMER
Quiet. Shh, don't say anything.
ELAINE
What's going on?
MAN BEHIND THE DOOR
Hey, Kramer! I saw you going there!
I'm not leaving until I get the jacket.
(Bangs on the door) Open up Kramer!
ELAINE
Why did you come in here for?
KRAMER
I thought I'd throw him off. See, he
knows where I live.
ELAINE
Well Kramer, I have to return this test.
I've got to get out of here.
KRAMER
I thought you took the test.
ELAINE
I had to take it again.
KRAMER
How come?
ELAINE
What's the difference?!!
KRAMER
Well, you can't leave now.
ELAINE
What?
MAN BEHIND THE DOOR
Come on, Kramer! I want that jacket
back!
KRAMER
Never!
(Monica's apartment. George is looking out the window.)
MONICA
George, open up.
(George opens the door.)
MONICA
Well?
(George shakes her hand.)
GEORGE
How' you doing?
MONICA
Where's the test?
GEORGE
You know, it's the damnedest thing.
I went out the window again to get a
cup of coffee...
(Dream Cafe. Babu is looking as Jerry eats.)
JERRY
Babu? Babu...(waves Babu to come to
table) Babu...you know, I got to tell
you, I never do this, but the shrimp,
it's just that it's a little stringy.
You have any chicken?
BABU
The shrimp is stringy?
JERRY
Well, maybe your refrigerator...
BABU
Quiet!! You shut up! You make me change
restaurant, but nobody comes! You say
make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only
Pakistani restaurant. But where are
people? You see people? Show me people.
There are no people!
JERRY
You know, I think I'll just take the
check.
BABU
You bad man! You very very bad man!
(leaves)
JERRY THINKING
Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong?
(Monica's. Elaine is gently tapping on the bedroom window. Monica
comes to open.)
MONICA
Are you looking for George?
ELAINE
Well eh, kind of....
MONICA
George left.
ELAINE
Oh.
MONICA
Is that the test?
ELAINE
Oh, this...emm...yeah...here you go.
MONICA
Thanks. I hope you did do a lot better
this time.
ELAINE
Actually, you know what, I think I did.
The first time I couldn't really cons...(Monica
closes the window)...entreat.
(At the street. Dream Cafe has a Closed sign on the window and
men are carrying furniture out.)
(George, Jerry and Kramer are standing across the street. Kramer
has no jacket on.)
JERRY
You know what it was, bad location.
GEORGE
Lets not stand here, we might run in
to her.
JERRY
Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket?
KRAMER
Yeah...
JERRY
Oh, I'm sorry.
KRAMER
I'm going upstairs.
(Elaine comes.)
ELAINE
Hey guys, I just ran in to Monica. You
know what my IQ is? 151.
JERRY
151?
GEORGE
That's a good score.
JERRY
So, what are you up for? How about Mexican?
GEORGE
Italian.
ELAINE
No, Chinese.
JERRY
You know, what would be great?
(George and Elaine give Jerry a long look.)
(Comedy club)
It's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional
good deed doers. Your lone rangers, your superman, your Batman,
your Spiderman, your Elasticman. They are all wearing disguises,
masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people
to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, thanks
for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall?
I'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. What am I supposed
to do?"
THE END
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