THE CALZONE
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium)
GEORGE
I believe the doors on the bathroom
stalls, here at the stadium, don't offer
much by way of privacy. But I was thinking
if we extend the doors all the way to
the floors...
MR. STEINBRENNER
All the way to the floor! What are you
crazy! You'd suffocate in there. Your
lucky you have any doors at all. You
know when I was in the army... Hey Costanza.
What's that your eating over there?
It looks pretty tasty.
GEORGE
It's a calzone, sir.
MR. STEINBRENNER
A calzone huh. Pass it down here. Let's
have a look at at it. I want a little
taste. Come on, come on. Pass it down
here. That's a good boy. Okay. What's
in this thing?
GEORGE
Uh. Cheese, pepperoni, eggplant.
MR. STEINBRENNER
Eggplant. Yes. That's a hell of a thing.
Okay let's get back to business. Okay
here you go. Very good, very good. Excellent.
Excellent calzone you got there Costanza.
Okay a little jealous now. Okay let's
go. Ok last week.... You know that eggplant
was very good. Everybody out. I got
eggplant on my mind. Costanza get me
couple of those calzones right now.
Pronto. Move out. Big Stein wants an
eggplant calzone. Must have one. Everybody
out. Out.
(Jerry and Elaine at apartment)
ELAINE
One of those fabric wholesalers. This
guy Todd Gack. I won a bet from him.
JERRY
What bet?
ELAINE
He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star
Wars.
JERRY
Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars!?! Short
Jewish guy against Darth Vader. I don't
think so.
ELAINE
That's what I said.
JERRY
So the bet was that the loser has to
buy dinner?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Huh.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
No, nothing.
Kramer walks in
JERRY
What's with you?
KRAMER
Feel this.
JERRY
Wow.That's hot.
KRAMER
Yeah. It's piquing hot. It's fresh out
of the dryer. Hey Elaine
you have to feel my pants.
ELAINE
I'll see you later.
KRAMER
Oh. All right. You don't know what your
missing. I'm loving this
Jerry. I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless
it's straight out of the dryer.
JERRY
So know every time you get dressed.
You are going to go down to the basement
and use the dryer.
KRAMER
Oh yeah. It's a warm and wonderful feeling,
Jerry. So what are you doing later?
JERRY
I got a date with Nikki.
KRAMER
Oh yeah she's a beauty.
JERRY
She's also quite bold.
KRAMER
Oh bold and beautiful.
George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium
MR. STEINBRENNER
I am loving this calzone. The pita pocket
prevents it from dripping. The pita
pocket. (phone rings) What is it Watson?
A lost and found? No. I don't think
we need that. If people keel over because
they lost something that's there tough
luck. You got a drip on your mouth by
the way.
GEORGE
You know a lost and found could be a
good idea.
MR. STEINBRENNER
Hold on Watson. You like lost and found
George?
GEORGE
Definitely.
MR. STEINBRENNER
All right lost and found. But there's
got to be a time limit. We're not running
a pawn shop here.
Jerry and Nikki at movies
JERRY
Hey, Elaine.
ELAINE
Hi Jerry!
JERRY
This is Nikki.
NIKKI
Hi!
ELAINE
Hello. This is Todd Gack.
JERRY
Oh of course. Todd Gack. You did you
bet was in Star Wars? Sammy
Davis Jr.
ELAINE
So what movie are you guys seeing?
NIKKI
"Means to an End "
ELAINE
Oh. We were going to see that but it
was sold out. So were going to
see " Blame it on the Rain "
JERRY
Why don't you see what you can do?
NIKKI
Okay.
ELAINE
What's she going to do? There's no more
tickets.
JERRY
We'll see.
TODD
Hey Jerry. Do you like cigars?
JERRY
Yeah. Why?
TODD
I am going to Montreal tomorrow and
they sell them dirt cheap.
JERRY
Hey,that might be a nice idea for George's
wedding.
TODD
So do you want a box?
JERRY
Sure. If there cheap Why not.
TODD
All right I buy a box and give to Elaine.
NIKKI
Okay two tickets "Means to an End"
JERRY
Told you.
ELAINE
How did you do that?
NIKKI
I just talked to the manager.
JERRY
All right. Enjoy " Blame it on the Rain
"
Jerry and George at the coffee shop
GEORGE
There putting in a lost and found because
of me. There's a time
limit but still.
JERRY
There really building a Utopian society
up there huh.And you
tribute all this to the calzone.
GEORGE
Yeah. I am like a drug dealer. I got
the guy hooked. I am having
lunch at his desk everyday this week. He doesn't make a move
without me.
It's very exciting.
JERRY
With you two guys at the helm. The last
piece of the puzzle is in
place.
GEORGE
So let me ask you a question about the
tip jar. I had a little
thing with the calzone guy this week. I go to drop a buck in
the tip jar and
just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way. And
then when I am
leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing. I mean
if they don't
notice it what's the point.
JERRY
So you don't make it a habit of giving
to the blind.
GEORGE
Not bills.
JERRY
So George. Remember when I told you
Nikki gets whatever she wants.
We are at the movies last night. It's sold out. Nikki goes and
talks to the
manager. Right in.
GEORGE
Beautiful women. You know they could
get away with murder. You
never she any of them lift anything over three pounds. They get
whatever they
want whenever they want it. You can't stop them.
JERRY
She's like a beautiful Godzilla.
GEORGE
Without thousands of fleeing Japanese.
Jerry and Kramer at his apartment
KRAMER
Hey buddy.
JERRY
What the hell is all this?
KRAMER
I am looking for quarters for the dryer.
JERRY
Why can't you do this on your table?
KRAMER
Because I don't have a table.
Elaine walks in
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. So how was "Blame it on the Rain?"
ELAINE
Huh. Yeah thanks for getting us tickets
too.
JERRY
Oh!! Let me ask you a question. Was
the movie part of the bet?
Kramer leaves
ELAINE
No. We were both in the mood for one.
JERRY
You know Elaine, It is not my way to
intrude on the personal lives of
close fiends..
ELAINE
Oh is that so.
JERRY
Absolutely. But I feel I must inform
you that what happened last
night was more than a simple bet.
ELAINE
What are you talking about?
JERRY
Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars.
He made a bet he knew he was
going to lose just to take you to dinner
ELAINE
If he wanted to ask me out why didn't
he just ask me.
JERRY
Because if he doesn't ask you out he
doesn't get rejected. He has
found a dating loop hole.
ELAINE
I don't buy it.
Kramer walks in with more change
JERRY
So what happened after the movie?
ELAINE
Nothing. He walked me home.
JERRY
To the door?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
That's a date.
ELAINE
No it's not.
JERRY
But I never walk you home.
ELAINE
That's just because your a jackass.
KRAMER
Ah!! I found a quarter. Anybody want
there clothes heated up?
JERRY
No, no.
ELAINE
No, no.
JERRY
So how did you leave it with him?
ELAINE
I am supposed to meet him to pick up
your cigars.
JERRY
That's another loop hole. That's two
dates without asking you out.
ELAINE
Your crazy!
JERRY
Crazy like a man.
George at Pisano's
WORKER
Number 49.
GEORGE
You know my last name is Costanza. That's
Italian. So you and I are
like country men. Pisano's!
WORKER
$ 6.50 your change.
GEORGE
And I always take care of my Pisano's.
So here is a little
something.
( drop in tip and worker looks the other way, so George decides
to take it
out and try again only to get caught )
WORKER
Hey! You steal my money!!
GEORGE
No no. That's not what I was trying
to do.
WORKER
I know what you try to do. Get out.
Don't ever come back ever.
George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium
GEORGE
I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner.
MR. STEINBRENNER
Beautiful. I am starving George.
GEORGE
I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a
little corn beef.
MR. STEINBRENNER
Corn beef. I don't think so. It is a
little fatty.
GEORGE
How about Chinese?
MR. STEINBRENNER
Uhhhhh. No. Too many containers. Big
mess, big mess.
Too sloppy.I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's. That's
the
ticket.
GEORGE
I just thought it would be nice. A little
variety.
MR. STEINBRENNER
No, no, no. George let me tell you something.
When I
find something I like I stick with it. From 1973 to 1982 I ate
the exact same
lunch everyday. Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread. Bread
bowl George
. First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl. There's nothing
more
satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but
a table.
Todd walking Elaine to her apartment
ELAINE
Thanks for the dinner.
TODD
Well I had to give these cigars and
we were both hungry.
ELAINE
Hey Todd. Let me ask you a question.
Um. Was this whole date thing
just a way of asking me out?
TODD
What?
ELAINE
I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?
TODD
Elaine that was a legitimate bet and
I lost so I bought you dinner.
ELAINE
Oh all right. Okay well, goodnight.
TODD
Hey, if your not doing anything Saturday
do you want to meet somewhere
?
ELAINE
See what is that? Is that a date?
TODD
Why can't two people go and do something
without it being a date?
ELAINE
All right. I am sorry it's not a date.
TODD
No way. So I'll see you Saturday night?
ELAINE
All right.
TODD
Pick you up at 8:00 p.m.
Jerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop
POLICE OFFICER
Do you know what the posted speed limit
on this road is?
JERRY
I was got to be 55.
POLICE OFFICER
That's right it is. Do you know how
fast you were going?
JERRY
A lot faster than that!
POLICE OFFICER
Step out of the car sir.
JERRY
Okay dokey
POLICE OFFICER
Can I have your license and registration
please?
JERRY
Absolutely. Nikki!
NIKKI
Yes.
JERRY
Would you mind bringing the officer
the registration?
NIKKI
Not at all.
POLICE OFFICER
I got you on the radar at 93 miles per
hour.
JERRY
You must have gotten me when I slowed
down to take that curve because
for a while there I was doing well over 100.
NIKKI
Officer. Hi. Do you really have to give
us a ticket?
JERRY
All right Nik. That's it.
Kramer and Jerry at his apartment
KRAMER
Hey buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.
JERRY
You got your shirt in my oven!?!
KRAMER
I didn't have any quarters for the dryer.
Anyway this is better.
And it's more convenient.
JERRY
For both of us.
KRAMER
And I have a lot more control. I have
one shirt going for 10 minutes
at 325 degrees.
JERRY
What's wrong with your oven?
KRAMER
I am baking a pie!
Buzz, buzz
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Come on up.
KRAMER
You got cigars, huh.
JERRY
I got some Cubans for George's wedding.
They were more than I wanted
to pay for but what the hell!
KRAMER
Oh yeah baby. spit, spit. What are these?
" Perducto de Peru "
Jerry, if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming.
JERRY
Peru! I paid $300 bucks for these. I
could have bought a house in
Peru for $300 bucks!
KRAMER
You got ripped buddy.
JERRY
I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300
bucks just so he has some excuse
to see Elaine again without asking her out.
KRAMER
That's a nice name. Todd Gack. Is that
Dutch? ( Dingggggg )
Oh baby. Here we go. Uh momma.(putting his fresh out of the oven
shirt
on ) Hey George hey.
Kramer leaves
GEORGE
Well this is bad. I am really in a bad
situation now.
JERRY
so what is Steinbrenner going to do
if he doesn't get his calzones?
GEORGE
What's he going to do? That's exactly
the point. Nobody knows what
this guy is capable of! He fires people like it is a bodily function.
JERRY
Why don't you get someone else from
the office to go get Pisano's for
you?
GEORGE
Because before you know it he'll be
having lunch with him. You know
how these interoffice politics work.
JERRY
No. I never had a job.
Kramer walks in with no pants on
KRAMER
I decided to go with the brown one 's.
(pants)
GEORGE
What the hell is this?
JERRY
Kramer's cooking up some corduroy.
GEORGE
There has got to be some way to get
back into Pisano's.
KRAMER
Pisano's. That's the place by the stadium
right?
GEORGE
Yeah. You've heard of it?
KRAMER
Yeah. Newman raves about it. It's on
his mail route. He goes by
there everyday.
GEORGE
I'll see you guys later.
JERRY
What kind of pie are you cooking?
KRAMER
Huckleberry.
George at Newman's apartment
NEWMAN
You certainly are in a bind.
GEORGE
Yeah. And since you go buy there everyday.
I was hoping that we
could help each other out.
NEWMAN
Oh well. Let me perfectly blunt. I don't
care for you Costanza.
You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all
day and just
it up wasting your lives.
GEORGE
Are you going to help me or not?
NEWMAN
All right, all right. I'll help you
but I will except something in
return.
GEORGE
What?
NEWMAN
Well for starters I want a calzone of
my own...
GEORGE
All right.
NEWMAN
And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a
large soda and three times a
week I will require a canolie.
GEORGE
That's a little steep don't you think?
NEWMAN
You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can
be a bit erratic. I would hate
to see him when he's hungry.
GEORGE
All right, all right.
NEWMAN
Do we have a deal?
GEORGE
But I have to have them by one o'clock.
He's very regiment about his
meals.
NEWMAN
I know exactly how he feels. Pleasure
doing business with you. Do
come again. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Todd and Elaine at a restaurant
ELAINE
This is nice.
TODD
Gack. Party of four.
ELAINE
Party of four? Who are we meeting?
TODD
Mom! Dad! This is Elaine.
MOM
Hello.
ELAINE
Hellllllooooo.
End of dinner
MOM
Nice meeting you.
TODD
Bye mom.
MOM
She's wonderful.
ELAINE
What the hell was that?
TODD
What?
ELAINE
Why did you introduce me to your parents?
TODD
There nice people. I thought you would
like them.
ELAINE
Come on Todd. Admit it, this is a date.
TODD
Why is this a date?
ELAINE
Saturday night with your parents. Unless
I'm your sister this is a
date.
TODD
Elaine. I don't understand why you can't
meet someone else's parents
without classifying it as a date.
ELAINE
Well if it's not a date then what is
it?
TODD
It's a lovely evening together.
ELAINE
I don't believe this.
TODD
Well I am getting a cab want to join
me?
ELAINE
No. I'll just walk home.
TODD
Okay goodnight. ( goes to kiss her )
ELAINE
Now what was that?
George at Newman's apartment
Knock, knock
NEWMAN
Hello. What 's this?
GEORGE
Well I was dropping of the calzone money
for the week.. Um
shouldn't you be at work by now?
NEWMAN
Work? It's raining.
GEORGE
Soooooo
NEWMAN
I called in sick. I don't work in the
rain.
GEORGE
You don't work in the rain? Your a mailman.
" Neither rain nor sleet
nor snow..." It's the first one.
NEWMAN
I was never that big on creeds.
GEORGE
You were supposed to deliver my calzones.
We had a deal!
NEWMAN
I believe the deal was that I get the
calzones on my mail route.
Well today I won't be going on my mail route! Will I. Perhaps
tomorrow.
GEORGE
But I'm paying you!
NEWMAN
Yes thank you. ( slams door )
GEORGE
Newman!!
Nikki and Jerry at his apartment
NIKKI
Peru? I thought you wanted cigars from
Cuba?
JERRY
I did.
NIKKI
Well if these aren't what you wanted
then why did you pay him?
JERRY
Well what could I do? Unless you pay
him a visit.
NIKKI
Okay.
George at Kramer's apartment
Knock, knock
GEORGE
Kramer!
KRAMER
Hey you!
GEORGE
Look I need you to do me a favor. I
need you to get me lunch at
Pisano's.
KRAMER
What happened to Newman?
GEORGE
He called in sick.
KRAMER
Oh yeah right it's raining.
GEORGE
Can you do it?
KRAMER
What time do you need it at?
GEORGE
1:00 p.m. Do you need any money?
KRAMER
No. I got eight tons of change. I'm
loaded.
Kramer on street
KRAMER
Hey hold that bus!
Kramer at Pisano's
KRAMER
Hey. It's really wet out there.
WORKER
What can I get you?
KRAMER
I here you make a pretty mean calzone.
WORKER
Calzone!
KRAMER
Yeah calzone.
WORKER
The best!
KRAMER
All right. Lay them on me. I'll take
three.
WORKER
Three calzones.
KRAMER
Hey. That's a big oven. Huh. Listen.
I was wondering if you could
do me a favor.
Elaine goes to the coffee shop
ELAINE
Hey Todd.
TODD
Hi. You know Nikki.
Elaine Yeah sure.
NIKKI
Wait. Elaine will settle this. What's
the "M" stand for in Richard
M. Nixon?
ELAINE
Milhouse.
NIKKI
I told you so. He said it was Moe. You
owe me a dinner.
Kramer at Pisano's
WORKER
Your order is ready. Three calzones
and one shirt and jacket.
KRAMER
Oh. This is all burned up. Look at this.
WORKER
What the hell do I know about cooking
a shirt? What the hell is
this? Your paying in pennies?
KRAMER
That's all I got.
WORKER
No. You have to have bills. Paper money.
You can't pay with this.
KRAMER
I told you this is all I got.
WORKER
Then no calzones.
Worker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian
George's office at Yankee Stadium
GEORGE
What happened? Where have you been?
KRAMER
The guy wouldn't give them to me because
I wanted to pay in change.
GEORGE
What the hell happened to your shirt?
KRAMER
He overcooked it. It's ruined.
GEORGE
Your clothes smell just like Pisano's.
There's another Italian place
on Jerome. Maybe I can fool him.
Mr. Steinbrenner at his office
say it again. I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and
I don't care
that you don't believe me or not. And how's this. Your fired.
Okay your not
He's late. That smell. I have to call you back. Costanza. He's
in the
building. Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office.
Costanza
! I'll get you.
Jerry and Elaine at apartment
JERRY
Stupid cigars. You know if I didn't
send Nikki over to talk to him
they wouldn't be together.
ELAINE
These are terrible.
JERRY
It's like trying to smoke a chicken
bone.
ELAINE
What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway.
JERRY
I think it's Dutch. I got to get going.
ELAINE
Where are you going?
JERRY
I.. uh..promised Nikki that I'd walk
her dog for her.
ELAINE
But she broke up with you.
JERRY
I know, I know. But some how she explained
it to me and I couldn't
say no.
ELAINE
It smells like a rubber fire.
JERRY
What's that?
ELAINE
I said rubber fire.
JERRY
Oh.
ELAINE
Did you ever pay Todd for these things?
JERRY
Actually it's being taken care of right
now.
Kramer at Todd's apartment
Knock, knock
KRAMER
You Gack?
TODD
Yeah.
KRAMER
Here's your money.
Kramer throws a bag full of change at him
Mr. Steinbrenner in George's office
MR. STEINBRENNER
George. Why do these clothes smell like
Pisano's?
GEORGE
Because they were heated up there.
MR. STEINBRENNER
Heating up your clothes? That's not
a bad idea.
THE END
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