THE COMEBACK
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Yankee Stadium, Conference Room)
A group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table.
There's a bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with
a few salad leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a
platter, dipping them in some sort of sauce, and stuffing his face with
them, about as fast as he can manage.
BILL
Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard,
I don't wanna be the one to tell him no.
REILLY
No-one in the park is gonna be able
to see it from there.
GEORGE
(through a mouthful of shrimp) Well,
why don't we just put a monitor in his skybox?
REILLY
Hey George, the ocean called. They're
running outta shrimp.
Everyone at the table starts laughing uproariously at Reilly's
joke. George looks upset, and barely forces half a sick smile past his mouthful
of seafood.
(George's Car)
George drives along. He's fuming at Reilly's dig.
GEORGE
(angry, to himself) The ocean called.
Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs)
Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said!
(frustrated shout) Dammit!
(New York Health & Racquet Club)
George and Jerry come along a corridor. They're carrying bags
and paraphernalia indicating they've been playing tennis.
JERRY
'The ocean called, They're running outta
shrimp'?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to
him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk
store called, and they're running outta you.'
Jerry and George halt at a bench by the entrance to the pro shop.
Jerry rummages in his bag, producing an old-fashioned wooden framed
tennis racquet.
JERRY
(smiling) Really? That's great. You
said that to him?
GEORGE
(confessing) Well, actually, I thought
it up on the way over here.
JERRY
Oh. That's not quite the same.
GEORGE
No. No it's not. You don't know this
guy. It woulda been so sweet.
JERRY
I'm gonna grab a can of balls.
GEORGE
Right.
George heads on down the corridor. Jerry walks into the pro shop,
carrying
his gear. There are a few customers browsing. Milos (East European,
tracksuit
wearing, slicked back hair with pony tail) comes over to Jerry.
MILOS
Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help
you.
JERRY
I need a can of balls.
Jerry stands before the counter, holding the old-fashioned racquet.
Milos
reaches under the counter and pulls out a can of tennis balls.
MILOS
Can of balls for the nice guy, alri...
Milos stops and stares disapprovingly at Jerry's racquet.
MILOS
...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these
balls with that racquet, do you?
Jerry looks surprised.
(Champagne Video)
Inside a typical small video rental store, Elaine stands before
a rack marked
'Staff Picks'. Individual shelves are labelled 'Elizabeth', 'Gene',
and
'Vincent', amongst others. Elaine is reading the back of a video
box, when
Kramer comes up behind her.
KRAMER
Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?
ELAINE
Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah.
(indicating shelf) This Vincent
guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies.
KRAMER
Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I
stick to the Gene rack.
ELAINE
Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream.
KRAMER
(indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all
these, so I went with a Kramer
pick.
Kramer holds up a video for Elaine's inspection.
ELAINE
(reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'.
Huh, I never heard of that
one.
KRAMER
Yeah, went straight to video.
Elaine looks upon this as a negative.
KRAMER
(positive) That makes me the premiere.
Kramer takes his cassette toward the counter.
ELAINE
(gets Kramer's point) Hah.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Kramer is talking seriously to Jerry, whilst holding a piece
of paper.
KRAMER
Jerry, have you ever seen the movie
The Other Side Of Darkness?
JERRY
No. (img src="http://tinyurl.com/2rau")
KRAMER
It's about this woman, in a coma. Well,
I couldn't finish watching
it, so I want you to read this.
Kramer hands the piece of paper to Jerry.
JERRY
(reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just
seen the movie The Other Side
Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in
the movie,
hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding
machine,
lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'
KRAMER
Can you do that for me, buddy?
JERRY
Well, I don't if what you have here
constitutes a legally binding
document.
KRAMER
Well, I'm gonna type it up.
JERRY
Yes, well, of course, but, even so,
you may wanna talk to a lawyer.
KRAMER
Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining
order on me.
(frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office.
I
couldn't even give him his Christmas present.
Jerry nods sympathetically. Kramer spots something on the table.
KRAMER
Oh, hey, new racquet, huh?
JERRY
Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't
gonna get it, but this guy
Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it.
Kramer takes a few practice strokes with the racquet.
JERRY
In fact, it's the only racquet he plays
with.
KRAMER
(picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well,
you're not gonna need this any
more.
Kramer deposits the old wooden racquet in Jerry's trash. Jerry
notices
something about the piece of paper Kramer gave him.
JERRY
(accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page
of my address book.
KRAMER
(explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your
zees on the weights and measures
page.
Kramer swings the new racquet again, making ball-smashing sound
effects.
(Elaine's Apartment)
Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video rental. She dabs a
tear from her
eye, and sniffs.
ELAINE
(emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent.
Bravo. (sniffs)
The phone rings. Elaine reaches over and picks up, not happy
at being
interrupted.
ELAINE
What?
VINCENT
Did you enjoy the movie?
ELAINE
Who is it?
VINCENT
It's Vincent.
ELAINE
Of Vincent's picks?
VINCENT
The same.
Elaine smiles excitedly.
(Tennis Club)
Elaine and Jerry have been playing tennis at a different club
from the one we
saw earlier. They're packing away their stuff. At another court,
behind them,
a guy in baseball cap and dark glasses is playing truly awful
tennis. He's
missing the ball, falling over, flailing wildly with his racquet.
JERRY
He called you?
ELAINE
He musta got my number off the computer.
We ended up talking for,
like, two hours.
JERRY
To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm)
Your screening process is
getting ever more rigorous.
Elaine sticks out her tongue at Jerry.
ELAINE
Trying to meet him. He's never at the
video store. They said he sets
his own hours.
A tennis ball bounces by Elaine, and she grabs it. The terrible
player from
the other court shouts over.
PLAYER
Little help, hey!
ELAINE
(tossing the ball back) Yeah.
PLAYER
Thank you.
The ball Elaine tossed back eludes the player's grasp, misses
his racquet and
bounces away past him.
ELAINE
(laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's
terrible.
JERRY
(pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm.
The terrible player continues to swing ineffectually at easy
balls in the
background.
ELAINE
Hey, how come we played at this crummy
place instead of your club?
JERRY
George used up all my guest passes already.
ELAINE
Ah.
PLAYER
Ahh.
A ball bounces past Elaine, and Jerry grabs it.
JERRY
Come on.
PLAYER
Thank you.
The awful player comes over to get the ball back. As he approaches,
he
removes his sunglasses and wipes his brow with his forearm.
JERRY
(tossing the ball) Here you go.
The player catches the ball and raises his head, so we can see
his face. It's
Milos, the guy who sold Jerry his new racquet.
JERRY
(disbelief) Milos?
MILOS
(shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back
on) How you doing?
Milos looks guilty, and shouts across to his playing partner
as he walks away
from Jerry.
MILOS
Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here.
Milos bounces the ball on the court and tries to hit it over
the net. He
fails, despite being no more than four feet from the net. Jerry
looks down at
his new racquet, thoughtfully.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Elaine and Jerry have just arrived from the tennis club, and
are putting
their stuff on the table. Elaine is removing her coat.
ELAINE
So he was bad. What d'you care?
JERRY
Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for
this racquet, because he said
it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well
with a log.
The door opens and Kramer enters, smartly dressed, with a suit
and tie.
KRAMER
Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer
guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna
set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor.
ELAINE
The executor? Of what?
JERRY
Kramer wants to die with dignity.
ELAINE
There's a feather in your cap.
KRAMER
I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine.
I just want out. (snaps
fingers)
The door opens and George wanders in, looking pleased with himself.
GEORGE
Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon
you, my friends.
JERRY
D'you get someone to take that Canadian
quarter?
GEORGE
I got another meeting with Reilly. A
whole new audience, and I bet I
can get him to try that line again.
ELAINE
Who's Reilly?
JERRY
George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting,
and this guy says 'Hey,
George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.'
Elaine laughs, loud and long, causing Jerry and Kramer to smile
and laugh.
GEORGE
Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh
yeah? Well the jerk store
called. They're running outta you.'
George smiles and looks expectant. The other three just stare
at him, with
varying levels of confusion in their expressions.
GEORGE
(worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding
me?!
ELAINE
How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your
cranium called. It's got some
space to rent.'?
Elaine laughs, and Jerry smiles.
GEORGE
(confused) What does that mean?
JERRY
(taps George's chest) Hey, here you
go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called.
You're due back by six.'
GEORGE
(frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're
not helping me.
KRAMER
Look, just tell him you had sex with
his wife. That'll kill him.
GEORGE
(shouting) I'm not looking for another
line. I got the line.
KRAMER
Look, George, just think about it. You
know, you're married, how
would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se...
GEORGE
(really animated) Alright, alright.
You see? This is why I hate
writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions,
and it
all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm
going with jerk
store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess!
George walks out the door. The other three watch him go. Kramer
walks over
and looks out the door after George, then returns and spots Jerry's
old
racquet on a stool.
KRAMER
(picking the racquet up) Did you take
this out of the garbage?
JERRY
Yeah, it's still got some spring in
the strings.
KRAMER
Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk.
(drops racquet in the trash) How
are you gonna be the executor of my living will?
Jerry retrieves the racquet from the trash.
KRAMER
(indicating) You see? You can't let
go.
JERRY
Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity,
I will kill you.
KRAMER
I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine,
do you have some free time
tomorrow afternoon?
ELAINE
Me?
KRAMER
Yeah, because you're perfect. You're
a calculating, cold-hearted
businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't
mind
stomping on a few throats.
ELAINE
(smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon.
(Lawyer's Office)
Kramer and Elaine sit before a desk, behind which sits Shellbach
the lawyer,
who has a large list in front of him, from which he's reading.
Kramer looks
nervous, while Elaine is tapping at a soda can, looking bored.
SHELLBACH
Situation number four. You're breathing
on your own, you're
conscious, but with no muscular function.
KRAMER
Well, would I be able to communicate?
SHELLBACH
I don't see how.
ELAINE
Ach, I don't like the sound of this
one.
KRAMER
Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord.
ELAINE
Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're
starting a mower.
SHELLBACH
Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and
gall bladder, but no
central nervous system.
Kramer looks at Elaine, who gives a double thumbs-down.
KRAMER
Well, I gotta have a central nervous
system.
SHELLBACH
Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating
through a tube.
KRAMER
Naw, that's not my style.
ELAINE
Bore-ing.
SHELLBACH
Alright, you can eat. But machines do
everything else.
KRAMER
(hesitant) Uhm...
Kramer looks to Elaine, who nods.
ELAINE
I'd stick.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos
I could still go to the coffee
shop.
ELAINE
(points to Kramer and smiles in agreement)
That's right.
(New York Health & Racquet Club)
A grim-looking Jerry stalks into the pro shop and over to the
counter to be
met by a nervous and apologetic Milos.
JERRY
Hello Milos.
MILOS
Jerry, thank god you got my message.
Thank you so much for coming down
here. Uhm, listen...
JERRY
(animated) You know, I spent two hundred
dollars on a racquet because
I thought you knew what you were talking about.
MILOS
I..I...
JERRY
You can't even play.
MILOS
Believe me, it is Milos great shame.
But Jerry, I could lose my
business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership
of the
club? Free. No charge.
JERRY
You could do that?
MILOS
Jerry, for you, anything.
Jerry looks happier. Milos walks away behind the scenes somewhere.
Jerry
looks round the store and exchanges smiles with a beautiful woman
who's
trying on a visor. After a few moments, Milos returns, looking
rueful.
JERRY
(indicating the woman) Game, set and
match, huh Milos?
MILOS
(apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry.
they tell me there is no way
they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you?
Anything at
all. I refund your money.
JERRY
(animated) You know what Milos, I don't
even care about the money. I
just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I...
MILOS
Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to
you.
JERRY
(doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to
me.
Jerry turns away and walks toward the door. As he passes the
beautiful woman,
he speaks.
JERRY
Tennis, anyone?
The woman smiles at Jerry's flirtation. Jerry leaves, and Milos
looks after
him, worried.
(Champagne Video)
Kramer and Elaine stand before the 'Staff Picks' rack again.
Elaine picks a
video off the 'Vincent' rack.
ELAINE
Oh, this is the one Vincent told me
about. The Pain And The Yearning.
(reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.'
A hundred
and ninety-two minutes?
KRAMER
That's a lotta yearning, huh?
ELAINE
You know, these movies are great, but
they're just so emotionally
exhausting.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime
adolescent high jinx.
ELAINE
Really?
KRAMER
(looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor
Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls
down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two.
Now, that's
an hilarious premise.
ELAINE
(laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape)
Well...
KRAMER
Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's
II box)
ELAINE
Yeah, I could use a chuckle.
Elaine returns the 'Vincent' pick to the shelf and walks toward
the counter
with the Bernie's tape.
KRAMER
(approving) Yeah.
ELAINE
What're you getting?
KRAMER
Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The
Other Side Of Darkness.
ELAINE
Oh. How much you got left?
KRAMER
Yeah, about two hours.
Elaine does a double-take at this.
KRAMER
Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick.
(Elaine's Apartment)
Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video. She's not enjoying
it.
ELAINE
(at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron!
(frustration) Just because
he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box)
Ugh, how long
is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh!
The phone rings, and Elaine picks up, glad of the interruption.
ELAINE
Hello.
VINCENT
(accusing) How's the movie. Elaine?
ELAINE
Vincent?
VINCENT
(betrayed) The Gene pick. How could
you? I thought we had
something special.
ELAINE
(defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything.
I'm not even gonna rewind
it.
There is a click as Vincent hangs up.
ELAINE
Vincent?
(Yankee Stadium, Conference Room)
The table is ringed with employees again, and there is more food.
George is
stuffing his face with shrimp, just as before. There are a couple
of empty
seats. One more guy (Fred) enters, and moves to sit at the table.
FRED
Alright, let's get to it.
GEORGE
Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about
Reilly?
FRED
Reilly doesn't work here any more.
GEORGE
(surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about
that.
FRED
Oh, we only wake you up for the important
meetings.
Everyone at the table collapses into laughter at George's expense.
Again,
George do nothing but look upset at the turn of events.
(Street)
Jerry is walking along the street, when he encounters the beautiful
woman
from the pro shop, who appears to have been waiting from him.
PATTY
Hello.
JERRY
Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop
yesterday?
PATTY
I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me
your address. I hope you don't
mind me waiting for you here.
JERRY
(to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty)
Well uh, what shall we do,
uhm, care for a cup of coffee?
PATTY
Why don't we just go up to your apartment?
JERRY
(surprised) Alright.
Patty strolls past Jerry, and indicates he should follow.
JERRY
(to himself) Gotta be an easier way.
Jerry turns to follow Patty.
TRANSCRIBED BY
(Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness,
UK
(Kramer's Apartment)
Kramer is playing the rest of The Other Side Of Darkness. The
soundtrack can
be heard from the TV.
NURSE
Doctor, how's her coma?
DOCTOR
Oh, exactly the same.
Kramer enters the room, with a bowl of spaghetti. He sits on
the couch to
watch the movie, and lifts a big forkful into his mouth.
DOCTOR
Wait a minute, she's coming out of the
coma.
Kramer stops chewing and stares wide-eyed at the TV screen.
DOCTOR
Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are
you okay?
ALLBRIGHT
(bright and cheerful) I feel so rested
and refreshed. Get
me a toothbrush.
Kramer continues to stare at the screen, stunned by the outcome
of the movie.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry hands a drink to Patty as she stands by the kitchen counter.
JERRY
So, you play tennis?
PATTY
(putting the glass down on the counter)
Enough talk, Jerry.
Patty advances on Jerry, sexily. Jerry looks somewhat surprised.
JERRY
Not for me, I love chatting.
PATTY
(putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh.
Patty leans toward Jerry, as though to kiss him. Just as she's
about to kiss,
she breaks away.
PATTY
(anguished) No! No, I can't do this.
(moving away) I can't go through
with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him!
JERRY
Who?
PATTY
(cries) Milos. My husband!
JERRY
(shocked) Your husband?!
Patty puts her face down on the couch, weeping. Jerry, puts his
hands up in
the air, in a gesture of total disbelief.
(Jerry's Apartment)
George sits on the couch, just making sure he's got Jerry's story
straight.
Jerry listens.
GEORGE
So concerned was he, that word of his
poor tennis skills might leak
out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval
sexual payola?
JERRY
(explanation) He's new around here.
GEORGE
(hopeful) So, details?
JERRY
(walking away) Well, I didn't sleep
with her.
GEORGE
Because of society, right?
JERRY
(weary) Yes, George, because of society.
So how did the big meeting
turn out?
Jerry is getting some sort of candy bar out of a packet on the
counter.
GEORGE
Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting
up) You believe that?
George wanders over into the kitchen.
JERRY
Ah, you're better off. Now you can just
let it go.
George looks in the fridge.
GEORGE
Yeah, I'm gonna let it go.
JERRY
You never really had the right comeback,
anyway.
George jerks out of the fridge, slamming the door.
GEORGE
(animated) Are you insane? Jerk store,
woulda smoked that guy! Smoked
him, I say.
George walks back into the living room and picks up a newspaper.
The door
opens and Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know,
I saw the rest of that movie,
The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end.
GEORGE
(frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that.
(waves his arms in
frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot.
George stalks away into the bathroom, and slams the door behind
him.
KRAMER
I didn't know it was possible to come
out of a coma.
JERRY
I didn't know it was possible not to
know that.
GEORGE
(from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts
as the husband?
KRAMER
(shouting back) Oh, unforgettable.
GEORGE
(disappointed) Oww.
KRAMER
(nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know,
she's gonna pull my plug.
Kramer opens the door and exits hurriedly.
(Champagne Video)
Elaine walks over the 'Vincent' rack, where she finds nothing
but copies of a
video called Betrayed.
ELAINE
What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so
sorry. I...
Kramer enters the store and hurries over to Elaine.
KRAMER
Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed
my mind about the whole coma
thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.
ELAINE
Kramer, do you have any idea what you've
done?
The store manager comes over and squeezes past Elaine.
MANAGER
Excuse me.
//tinyurl.com/2rau")
The manager removes the 'Vincent' label from the shelf and replaces
it with
another name.
ELAINE
What're you doing?
The manager walks back to behind the counter.
ELAINE
Wha..wha...?
MANAGER
Vincent stopped making picks.
ELAINE
(upset) Well, how am I gonna know what
movies to see?
MANAGER
We have a wide variety of Gene picks.
ELAINE
(dismissive) Gene's trash.
MANAGER
I'm Gene.
Elaine looks sick at her error. Kramer smiles and raises his
eyebrows.
ELAINE
(forcing a smile) Hi.
(New York Health & Racquet Club)
A subdued Milos is behind the counter, before which stands Jerry.
JERRY
Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention
of telling anyone about
your unbelievably bad tennis playing.
MILOS
(not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately,
I have much larger
problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore.
JERRY
I guess that's a risk you run when you
dabble in the flesh trade.
MILOS
Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much
like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would
you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only
way I can show
her I am still a man.
JERRY
(reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long
as there's no other girls around.
I mean, I wanna be a man too.
(Monk's)
Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth.
JERRY
So you hurt Vincent's feelings?
ELAINE
(handing Jerry an envelope) Look what
came in the mail today.
JERRY
(taking the envelope) Wh..What's this?
Jerry opens the envelope and shakes a small object out onto his
palm.
ELAINE
It's the play button, off his VCR.
JERRY
(examining the button) Boy, look how
far back it goes. It's like a
tooth.
George enters and strolls over to the booth.
GEORGE
(sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean
phoned' turned up? He's working
for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.
ELAINE
Ohio? Mark's Michelle is a dog.
GEORGE
Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow
morning.
JERRY
(nonplused) You're flying to Akron,
just to zing a guy?
GEORGE
Don't you understand? It's not about
him. To have a line as perfect
as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with
myself.
ELAINE
See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's
just a little confusing, is
all.
GEORGE
(adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line,
and a smart crowd will
appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for
some bonehead
mass audience!
George realises that everyone in the coffee shop is staring over
at him, and
has heard his shouts.
GEORGE
(waving apologetically) Not you.
(Elaine's Apartment)
Elaine is again sitting up in bed, watching a video. (My guess
is it's The
Pain And The Yearning.) The soundtrack can be heard.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be
rid of the pain.
The phone rings and Elaine picks up.
ELAINE
Hello.
VINCENT
Elaine? It's Vincent.
ELAINE
(surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where
are you? I have to meet you.
VINCENT
No. I can't bear to have anyone see
me.
ELAINE
Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the
way everyone else does.
You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter)
Now, let's
have a look at you.
VINCENT
(relenting) Alright, but, can you bring
me few things from
the store? I haven't been out in a while.
(Kramer's Car)
Kramer drives along the street, very slowly. He's got traffic
stacked up
behind him and horns blare as cars manoeuvre around him. Kramer
is hunched
over the steering wheel, looking nervous.
KRAMER
(indicating that cars should pass him)
Well, go around, you bunch of
crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed.
(Lawyer's Office)
Kramer stands expectantly in the office. A secretary enters.
SECRETARY
Hi, can I help you?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah,
I had an appointment to annul
my living will.
SECRETARY
Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer,
you had a ten-thirty
appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson.
He's gone
for the day.
Kramer looks anxious again.
(Tennis Club)
Jerry and Milos are playing at the other tennis club. They are
watched by a
small number of people, including Patty. Milos delivers a weak
underarm
serve, and Jerry makes no effort to return it, merely wafting
his racquet
vaguely in the direction of the ball.
JERRY
Too good.
MILOS
(triumphant shout) Another game for
Milos!! Hahaha!
Milos walks to the net to meet Jerry.
JERRY
You're on fire today.
MILOS
(shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this
guy. He's awful!
Patty blows Milos a kiss.
MILOS
(milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry.
He's not even married like I
am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu.
JERRY
(quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind
rolling over here, but could
you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?
MILOS
(shouting) Hey everybody, look! The
little chicken girl wants me to
ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs
evilly)
Hahaha!
Milos strides away to continue the game, leaving Jerry looking
rueful.
(Outside Vincent's Apartment)
Elaine walks down a hallway, carrying a large grocery bag. She
reads numbers
off doors until she spots the one she wants. She gives a smile,
flicks her
hair a little, and knocks at the door.
ELAINE
Hello? Vincent?
The door cracks open a few inches, but it's completely dark inside,
so the
occupant can't be seen.
VINCENT
Elaine?
ELAINE
I got what you asked.
VINCENT
Just, leave it and go.
ELAINE
W..well, can't I come in?
VINCENT
No. Go away. Now.
TRANSCRIBED BY
(Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness,
UK
Elaine leans forward so her face is right into the open door.
ELAINE
(pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't
shut me out. (beseeching) I
just, I know you feel what I feel.
A woman comes up behind Elaine.
WOMAN
Excuse me. Can I help you?
VINCENT
Aw, dammit!
ELAINE
(confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to
see Vincent.
WOMAN
Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent,
what's going on here?
The woman pushes the door wide open, revealing Vincent standing
there.
Vincent is a bespectacled, geeky, teen in a plaid shirt. He throws
his hands
up to cover his face.
VINCENT
(shrieks) No, my acne!
Vincent darts away from the door into the apartment. Elaine is
open-mouthed
in surprise.
ELAINE
Ahh-cnee.
WOMAN
(regarding the grocery bag) What d'you
have here?
Vincent's mother grabs the top of the bag and begins to rummage
through the
contents.
WOMAN
(disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks.
(accusing) What kind of a
sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old?
ELAINE
(sick smile) We have the same taste
in movies.
WOMAN
Did he send you part of our VCR?
Elaine smiles and nods, and pulls at a chain she has round her
neck. Threaded
onto the chain is the VCR button Vincent sent her.
ELAINE
Yeah.
Vincent's mother holds out her hand, and Elaine pulls the chain
over her head
and hands it over.
WOMAN
(entering the apartment) Vincent!
Elaine reaches into the grocery bag and extracts the bottle of
vodka. She
drops the rest of the bag on the floor, and strolls away, swinging
the bottle
like a club.
(Tennis Club)
Jerry and Milos are still playing. Jerry is still throwing the
game, and
Milos is still milking it. Jerry puts an easy return straight
into the court
in front of himself.
MILOS
(pointing and shouting) Look at the
big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to
Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time
for you to
be changed. (laughter) Hahah.
Patty laughs too, with the few other spectators. Jerry looks
angry at this
constant derision.
JERRY
(quietly) I told you to cut it out.
Jerry delivers a fierce serve which beats Milos, and almost hits
him in the
face.
MILOS
(quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're
you doing? (to his audience)
Huhuh. The baby got lucky on that one! Hahah.
Jerry walks back to deliver another serve. Kramer enters and
looks around for
someone. On another court, Shellbach is facing an automatic serving
machine.
KRAMER
(waving) Shellbach.
Shellbach waves vaguely back to Kramer, who has begun to walk
round the room
to get to him.
Meanwhile, Jerry returns a shot to Milos, with some venom. Milos
stretches
desperately to try and reach it, but loses his grip on his racquet.
The
racquet arcs across the hall, watched by Patty, and then spotted
by Kramer.
KRAMER
Racquet.
The racquet plummets from the air and strikes the guy who is
operating the
automatic serving machine for Shellbach. The guy is knocked unconscious
and,
as he falls, he pushes against the machine, turning it to point
at Kramer.
Kramer stands transfixed, as it continues to launch balls at
him. Several
balls in rapid succession strike him in the head, until he slumps,
unconscious, to the floor.
(Insert)
Aeroplane landing, with a caption 'AKRON, OHIO'.
(Firestone Boardroom, Akron)
A boardroom very much like that of the Yankees, but with a Firestone
sign on
the wall. Several people sit around the table, including Reilly,
and George,
who is filling his face from a large dish of shrimp.
REILLY
So, George. You're proposing a snow
tyre day at Yankee Stadium?
GEORGE
(through a mouthful) Long as they don't
throw 'em on the field.
(laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp,
I brought
enough for everybody.
MCADAM
(doubtful) I have to say this, this
proposal doesn't make a whole lot
of sense.
GEORGE
Well, you never know. (picks up more
shrimp) Let's see how many I can
fit in my mouth.
George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them
into his mouth.
REILLY
(leaning forward) You know, George...
George looks up, expectantly.
REILLY
The ocean called. They're running outta
shrimp.
Everyone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks
triumphant. He
swallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers.
GEORGE
(standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly)
Well, the jerk store called.
They're running outta you
REILLY
(unperturbed) What's the difference?
You're their all-time best
seller!
Reilly and everyone else laughs even more than they did before.
George looks
angry and frustrated, even on the verge of tears for a second,
then something
occurs to him.
GEORGE
Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
George looks round, smiling arrogantly, expecting laughter. But
there is a
deep, uncomfortable, silence. Reilly, looks stony-faced. McAdam
stands and
leans over to speak in George's ear.
MCADAM
His wife is in a coma.
George looks sick.
(Hospital Room)
Kramer lies in bed, asleep. Jerry sits in a chair, reading a
newspaper.
There's a knock at the door and Elaine enters, carrying a VCR.
ELAINE
(to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's
he doing?
JERRY
He's been sleeping a lot. He's still
groggy.
ELAINE
Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a
movie might cheer him up. I got
him a Gene pick.
JERRY
What happened to Vincent?
ELAINE
(evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking
around) Uh, outlet?
Jerry points to the wall beside Kramer's bed.
ELAINE
Ah.
Elaine walks over and sees both sockets are full. She takes hold
of one of
the plugs and yanks it out of the socket with a grunt. The grunt
wakes
Kramer, who looks groggily around and sees Elaine standing holding
the plug,
as if she's just unplugged his life support. He stares, bug-eyed
and shrieks
in terror.
KRAMER
(screaming) Waahhh!!!
(Insert)
A plane landing, with the caption 'NEW YORK, NEW YORK'.
(George's Car)
Once again, George drives along, frustrated and angry.
GEORGE
'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the
life support machine called
and...
He tails off, as he can't think of anywhere to go. Then a look
of
enlightenment comes to George's face, as he thinks of something.
GEORGE
(shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've
said! (frustration)
D'ohh!
George looks gutted for a second, then a determined expression
comes to his
face. He swings the car round with a squeal of tires, and heads
back towards
the airport.
GEORGE
(cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts)
You're meat, Reilly! You just
screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!
THE END
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