THE DEAL
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I've been watching women in the department
stores. They're trying on clothes, and
I've noticed that they do it differently
from men. Women don't try on the clothes,
they get behind the clothes, you see?
They take a dress off the rack, and
they hold it up against themself. They
can tell something from this. They stick
one leg way out 'cause they nedd to
know, if some day I'm one-legged, and
at a fourty-five degree angle, what
am I gonna wear? You never see a man
do that. You never see a guy take a
suit off the rack, put his head in the
neck, and go, "What do you think about
this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah,
it looks fine. Put some shoes by the
bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure.
Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking?
Move the shoes, move the shoes, move
the shoes, move the shoes.
JERRY
What are you doing? All right, all right.
What's the matter with that? What about
that one?
ELAINE
Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?
JERRY
He was good in Man From Uncle.
ELAINE
Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon?
JERRY
I know, I'm having my root canal the
same week.
ELAINE
Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral
surgeon because that can be very serious.
(Changes channel) Hey, look at naked
people.
JERRY
No, I don't wanna see the naked people.
ELAINE
Been a while?
JERRY
I have a vague recollection of doing
something with someone, but it was a
long, long time ago.
ELAINE
I think my last time was in Rochester.
My hair was a lot shorter.
JERRY
I remember that it's a good thing. Someday,
I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks
at Elaine)
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
What was that look?
JERRY
What look?
ELAINE
The look you just gave me.
JERRY
I gave a look?
ELAINE
Yes.
JERRY
What kind of look?
ELAINE
I know that look.
JERRY
Then what was it?
ELAINE
Why should I tell you?
JERRY
Well, you're the big look expert. I
wanna see how smart you are.
ELAINE
Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
What about the look?
JERRY
I don't know.
ELAINE
You got something on your mind?
JERRY
No. Things pop into your head. You?
ELAINE
Things occur to me from time to time.
JERRY
Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect
to just forget the past completely.
ELAINE
No, of course not.
JERRY
I mean, it was something we did. Probably
about, what? Twenty-five times?
ELAINE
Thirty-seven.
JERRY
Yeah, we pretty much know what we're
doin' in there. (Points to bedroom)
ELAINE
We know the terrain.
JERRY
No big surprises.
ELAINE
Nope.
JERRY
What do you think?
ELAINE
I don't know. What do you think?
JERRY
Well, it's something to consider.
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
I mean, let's say we did.
ELAINE
What if.
JERRY
Is that like the end of the world or
something?
ELAINE
Certainly not.
JERRY
Why shouldn't we be able to do that
once in a while if we want to?
ELAINE
I know.
JERRY
I mean, really, what is the big deal?
We go in there. (Points to the bedroom)
We're in there for a while. We come
right back out here. It's not complicated.
ELAINE
It's almost stupid if we didn't.
JERRY
It's moronic.
ELAINE
Absurd!
JERRY
Of course, I guess, maybe, some little
problems could arise.
ELAINE
We, there are always a few.
JERRY
I mean, if anything happened, and we
couldn't be friends the way we are now,
that would be really bad.
ELAINE
Devastating.
JERRY
Because this is very good. (Points back
and forth between them to indicate friendship)
ELAINE
And that would be good. (Points to bedroom)
JERRY
That would be good too. The idea is
combine the this and the that. But this
cannot be disturbed.
ELAINE
Yeah, we just wanna take this and add
that.
JERRY
But of course, we'd have to figure out
a way to avoid the things that cause
the little problems. Maybe some rules
or something.
ELAINE
Huh.
JERRY
For example, now, I call you whenever
I'm inclined and vice versa.
ELAINE
Right.
JERRY
But if we did that, we might feel a
certain obligation to call.
ELAINE
Well why should that be? Oh, I have
an idea. I have an idea. No call the
day after that.
JERRY
Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
ELAINE
All right, sir.
JERRY
Now here's another little rule. When
we see each other now, we retire to
our separate quarters. But sometimes,
when people get involved with that,
they feel pressure to sleep over. When
that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate
from that. And I don't see why sleep
got all tied up and connected with that.
ELAINE
Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!
JERRY
Well now we're gettin' somewhere.
ELAINE
What about the kiss goodnight?
JERRY
Tough one. You're call.
ELAINE
It's brug-wa (?).
JERRY
Fine. Well.
ELAINE
Well.
JERRY
You ready?
ELAINE
Ready.
JERRY
So think you can handle this?
ELAINE
Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Got the paper?
JERRY
Not yet.
KRAMER
No paper?
JERRY
I haven't been out yet.
KRAMER
Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine
enters from the bedroom. Kramer is a
little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah...
(He exits)
GEORGE
What's the deal with Aquaman? Could
he go on land, or was he just restricted
to water?
JERRY
No, I think I saw him on land a couple
times. So how's the job situation goin'?
GEORGE
Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there.
What about you?
JERRY
Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last
night.
GEORGE
Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is
major.
JERRY
I thought you'd like that.
GEORGE
Oh, this is huge!
JERRY
I know.
GEORGE
All right, okay. Let's go, details.
JERRY
No, I can't do details.
GEORGE
You wha?
JERRY
I can't give details.
GEORGE
No details?
JERRY
I'm not in the mood.
GEORGE
You ask me to have lunch, tell me you
slept with Elaine, and then say you're
not in the mood for details. Now you
listen to me. I want details and I want
them right now. I don't have a job,
I have no place to go. You're not in
the mood? Well you get in the mood!
JERRY
All right, okay. We're in the apartment
watching TV.
GEORGE
Where are you sitting?
JERRY
On the couch.
GEORGE
Next to each other?
JERRY
No, separated.
GEORGE
Time?
JERRY
About eleven.
GEORGE
Okay, go ahead.
JERRY
So she's flipping around the TV, and
she gets to the naked station.
GEORGE
Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable
in my house. Because of that naked station.
If I had that in my house, I would never
turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't
eat. Eventually, firemen would have
to break through the door, they'd find
me sitting there in my pajamas with
drool coming down my face. All right,
all right. So you're watching the naked
station.
JERRY
And then, somehow, we started talking
about, what if we had sex.
GEORGE
Boy, these are really bad details.
JERRY
It pains me to say this, but I may be
getting to mature for details.
GEORGE
Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of
growth really irritates me.
JERRY
Well. I'll tell you though. It was really
passionate.
GEORGE
Better than before?
JERRY
She must've taken some kind of seminar
or something.
GEORGE
This is all too much. So what are you
feeling? What's going on? Are you like
a couple again now?
JERRY
Not exactly.
GEORGE
Not exactly. What does that mean?
JERRY
Well, we've tried to arrange a situation
where we'll be able to do this once
in a while and still be friends. (George
laughs hysterically and stands oiut
of his seat)
GEORGE
Where are you living? Are you here?
Are you on this planet? It's impossible.
It can't be done.
(He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying
to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two
of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the
ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.
JERRY
I think we've worked out a system.
GEORGE
Oh, you know what you're like? You're
like a pathetic gambler. You're one
of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps
thinking he's gonna come up with a way
to win at blackjack.
JERRY
No, this is very advanced. We've designed
at set of rules that we can maintain
the friendship by advancing all of the
relationship pitfalls.
GEORGE
Sure, all right. Tell me the rules.
JERRY
Okay. No calls the next day.
GEORGE
(To himself) So you're havin' the sex,
next day you don't have to call. That's
pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.
JERRY
You ready for the second one?
GEORGE
I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed
with the first one.
JERRY
Spending the night. Optional.
GEORGE
No, you see? You got greedy.
JERRY
No, that's the rule. It's optional.
GEORGE
I know less about women than anyone
in the world. But one thing I do know
is they're not happy if you don't spend
the night. I could be a hot, sweaty
room with no air conditioning and all
they have is a little army cot this
wide (Displays with French fry) You're
not going anywhere.
JERRY
I think you're wrong.
GEORGE
I hope I am.
JERRY
Is this yours or the roommate's?
ELAINE
The roommate's.
JERRY
Would she mind?
ELAINE
She keeps track of everything.
JERRY
Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin'
it.
ELAINE
Thanks.
JERRY
Well, guess I'll get going.
ELAINE
Oh.
JERRY
Well, I have that root canal tomorrow
morning. It'll be easier if I go home.
ELAINE
Fine, go away.
JERRY
I don't understand. Is there a problem?
(Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels
about twenty feet long) I'm getting
the impression there's a problem.
ELAINE
Just go.
JERRY
I'm having surgery tomorrow.
ELAINE
Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.
JERRY
But you said, it can be very serious.
ELAINE
Okay, so fine. Go.
JERRY
What happened to the rules? Remember?
Sleeping over was optional.
ELAINE
Yeah, it's my house, it's my option.
JERRY
It has nothing to do with whose house
it is.
ELAINE
Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate,
Tina, enters)
TINA
Hi.
ELAINE + JERRY
Hi.
TINA
Hi, Jerry.
JERRY
Hi.
TINA
Such a great improv class tonight.
ELAINE
Oh really?
TINA
I had this improv where I pretended
I was working in one of those booths.
You know, in the amusement park, where
you have to shoot the water in the clown's
mouth and you have to blow up the balloon.
ELAINE
Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just
one second?
TINA
Oh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks
away)
ELAINE
What are you doing?
JERRY
I can't go if you're mad.
ELAINE
I'm not mad.
JERRY
You seemed a little mad.
ELAINE
No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's
okay.
JERRY
So you're okay with everything?
ELAINE
Definitely. Are you?
JERRY
Definitely. Well, goodnight.
ELAINE
Goodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're
you doing?
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Rules.
TINA
Hey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits
quickly)
GEORGE
What about jewelry? That's very nice
gift.
JERRY
No, no. I have to be very careful here.
I don't want to send the wrong message.
Especially after the other night.
GEORGE
Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.
JERRY
No, no. You can't get her anything better
than me. Whatever I spend, you have
to spend half.
GEORGE
What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?
JERRY
You don't understand. I'm in a very
delicate position. Whatever I give her,
she's going to be bringing in experts
from all over the country to interpret
the meaning behind it.
GEORGE
What does she need? Maybe there's something
that she needs.
JERRY
I think I heard her say something about
a bench.
GEORGE
A bench? What kind of a bench?
JERRY
I don't know, but she mentioned a bench.
GEORGE
What, like at a bus stop?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
Like a park bench?
JERRY
I have no idea.
GEORGE
Who puts a bench in their house?
JERRY
Forget the bench.
GEORGE
I got it. You wanna get her something
nice? How 'bout a music box?
JERRY
No, too relationshippy. She opens it
up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm
dead.
GEORGE
Okay, what about a nice frame? With
a picture of another guy in it. Frame
says I care for you, but if you wanna
get serious, perhaps you'd be interested
in someone like this.
JERRY
Nice looking fellow.
GEORGE
What about candle holders?
JERRY
Too romantic.
GEORGE
Lingerie?
JERRY
Too sexual.
GEORGE
Waffle maker.
JERRY
Too domestic.
GEORGE
Bust of Nelson Rockefeller.
JERRY
Too Gubernatorial. (?)
GEORGE
Let's work on the card.
JERRY
Maybe you won't like it.
ELAINE
Oh, how could I not like it? Of course
I'll like it.
JERRY
You could not like it.
ELAINE
Just the fact that you remembered means
everything.
JERRY
Of course I remembered. You reminded
me everyday for two months. Oh, the
card. (She opens)
ELAINE
Cash?
JERRY
Would do you think?
ELAINE
You got me cash?
JERRY
Well this way I figure you can go out
and get yourself whatever you want.
No good?
ELAINE
Who are you, my uncle?
JERRY
Well come on. That's $182 right there.
I don't think that's anything to sneeze
at.
ELAINE
Let me see the card. (Reading) To a
wonderful girl, a great pal, and more?
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here.
Stay right there. I'm gonna be right
back. (He exits)
ELAINE
Pal? You think I'm your pal?
JERRY
I said, "and more."
ELAINE
I am not your pal.
JERRY
What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone
so down on pal? (Kramer enters with
present)
ELAINE
Oh, what is this? You got me something?
KRAMER
Yeah. Open it.
ELAINE
Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench!
You got me the bench that I wanted!
(Jerry looks irritated)
KRAMER
That's pretty good, huh?
JERRY
Great.
KRAMER
Remember when we were standing there
and she mentioned it? I made a mental
note of it.
JERRY
Well goody for you.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that.
I mean, when someone's birthday comes
up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you
get her?
JERRY
182 bucks.
KRAMER
Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind
of gift is that? That's like something
her uncle would get her.
ELAINE
(Reading card) Think where man's glory
most begins and ends and say my glory
was I had such a friend.
KRAMER
(To Jerry) Yates.
ELAINE
Oh Kramer. (They embrace)
JERRY
Could you excuse us please?
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
We're talking.
KRAMER
Oh, the relationship. (He leaves)
JERRY
You know, we never had one fight before
this deal.
ELAINE
I know.
JERRY
Never.
ELAINE
Ever.
JERRY
We got along beautifully.
ELAINE
Like clams.
JERRY
It was wonderful.
ELAINE
A pleasure.
JERRY
So I think we should just forget the
whole deal, and go back to being friends.
ELAINE
I can't do it.
JERRY
You what?
ELAINE
I can't do that.
JERRY
You mean it's... (She nods) No this.
No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. What
do you want?
ELAINE
This, that, and the other.
JERRY
Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled.
Who doesn't want this, that, and the
other?
ELAINE
You.
JERRY
(Starts to correct then realizes) Well...
GEORGE
Those birthdays. I told you. They're
relationship killers. If a relationship
is having any problems whatsoever, a
birthday will always bring it out.
JERRY
I never should have made up those rules.
GEORGE
What is it about sex that just disrupts
everything? Is it the touching? Is it
the nudity?
JERRY
It can't be the nudity. I never got
into these terrible fights and misunderstandings
when I was changing before gym class.
GEORGE
You know what this means? I can't see
her anymore either.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
It's break up by association. Besides,
she's mad at me anyway because of my
birthday present.
JERRY
What did you end up giving her?
GEORGE
91 dollars.
JERRY
Sorry about that.
GEORGE
So what're you gonna do?
JERRY
Well, if I call her, there's no joking
around anymore. This is pretty much
it.
GEORGE
So, maybe this should be it.
JERRY
Could be it.
GEORGE
She seems like an it.
JERRY
She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping
into her on the street in five years
with a husband. And she tells me he's
a sculptor, they live in Vermont...
GEORGE
We'd have to kill him.
JERRY
We'd get caught, I'd get the chair.
GEORGE
I'd go to prison as your accomplice.
I'd have to wear that really heavy denim.
Go to the cafeteria line with the guy
who slops those mashed potatoes onto
your plate. Go to the bathroom in front
of hundreds of people.
JERRY
Plus, you know what else.
GEORGE
You better call her.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
You got the paper yet?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Well where is it? (Elaine enters from
bedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done
with that?
ELAINE
No.
KRAMER
Well, you're not reading it now.
ELAINE
All right, you can take it. But I want
it back.
KRAMER
Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna
do today?
ELAINE
Ah, this. And that.
JERRY
And the other.
KRAMER
Boy, I really liked the two of you much
better when you weren't a couple. (He
exits)
THE END
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