THE FIRE
Written by
Larry Charles
(Comedy club)
JERRY
To me, the thing about birthday parties
is that the first birthday party you
have and the last birthday party you
have are actually quite similar. You
know, you just kinda sit there...you're
the least excited person at the party.
You don't even really realize that there
is a party. You don't know what's goin'
on. Both birthday parties, people have
to kinda help you blow out the candles,
you can't do it...you don't even know
why you're doing it. What is this ritual?
What is going on? It's also the only
two birthday parties where other people
have to gather your friends together
for you. Sometimes they're not even
your friends. They make the judgement.
They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down,
and they tell you - 'these are your
friends! Tell them thank you for coming
to my birthday party.'
Elaine, Kramer, and Kramer's excitable girlfriend Toby in Elaine's
office at Pendant. They're looking at proofs for Kramer's "coffee
table book about coffee tables."
TOBY
These are great! Just great! Really
great! Really, really great! Don't you
think so, Elaine?
ELAINE
Yeah, really great.
TOBY
A coffee table book about coffee tables!
(To Kramer) How did you come up with
this idea?
KRAMER
It was there!
TOBY
Oh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm
a coffee table, put some coffee on me!
Oh, the hotter the better, that's what
I'm here for!' (laughs)
ELAINE
Actually, I've got some work I gotta
do, so...
KRAMER
Hey, how about if the book came with
these little fold-out legs...so the
book itself becomes a coffee table?
TOBY
Ohhh, that is a great idea! Really,
really great!
Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment later that day.
ELAINE
'And that coffee table is saying, put
some coffee on me!' I'd like to put
some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee
- right in her face! I swear! This is
like working with a contestant from
"The Price Is Right"! (demonstrates)
JERRY
Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine,
listen, tell me if you think this is
funny - (reads comedy he's written)
"Men definitely hit the remote more
than women...men don't care what's on
TV, men only care what else is on TV.
Women want to see what the show is before
they change the channel, because men
hunt and women nest."
ELAINE
Yeah, it's funny, I dunno.
JERRY
You don't know? Come on, that's gold!
ELAINE
Well, I don't know about "gold."
JERRY
Oh, that's gold, baby.
ELAINE
'Baby'? What, are you doing George now?
JERRY
I was saying 'baby' way before George!
ELAINE
Well, I don't know, don't ask me any
more questions about jokes, Jerry, it
puts too much pressure on me.
JERRY
Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna
be there tomorrow night.
ELAINE
Yeah, who's he?
JERRY
He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly.
I would like to have a good show.
(Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Danke schoen, my little dumplings.
ELAINE
Hi.
KRAMER
Hey, how about that Toby, huh?
ELAINE
Yeah, how about her?
KRAMER
Ooh, she's a package full of energy!
ELAINE
Yeah, she's a package full of something.
KRAMER
And that something is life. Jerry, you
gotta meet this gal - she's brimmin'
with positivity!
ELAINE
Oh, pleeeeease. (moves to the living
room and sits down)
KRAMER
Hey, are you performing tomorrow night?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Great, I'm gonna bring Toby.
JERRY
Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being
reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna
be there.
KRAMER
Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine?
ELAINE
Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry.
(imitates Toby) Really, really great!
JERRY
Well, you want to sit with George? I
think he's coming with Robin.
KRAMER
Is that the waitress from the comedy
club?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
What about her kid, is she bringing
him, too?
KRAMER
She's got a kid?
JERRY
Yeah, you should see George get along
with this kid!
George and Robin in a booth at the coffee shop. Robin's kid is
under the table.
GEORGE
Ow! What are you doing under there?
Hey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's
not food! (to Robin) He's suckin' down
Equal packets!
ROBIN
Do you think 25 kids is too much?
GEORGE
25 kids for his birthday party? (to
kid under table) Don't put your tongue
on the floor! He's putting his tongue
on the floor! Here, here, have some
more sugar packets.
ROBIN
So, what about entertainment? (to kid)
Should I get Barney?
KID
No Barney!
ROBIN
Maybe a clown.
GEORGE
How about Bozo?
KID
Who's Bozo?
GEORGE
Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who
Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the
Clown was the clown, bar none.
ROBIN
George...
GEORGE
With the orange hair, and the big clown
shirt with the ruffles...
ROBIN
George...
GEORGE
And the TV show! He had cartoons!
ROBIN
George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's
out. He's finished. It's over for Bozo.
GEORGE
You know, when I was a kid, we didn't
have these elaborate birthday parties
with catered food and entertainment.
I remember my 7th birthday party...
FRANK
Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles,
I said! Blow out the damn candles!
ESTELLE
Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!
ROBIN
Well, this time, you can blow out the
candles.
GEORGE
Nah, I have asthma. (Robin's kid grabs
George's leg from under the table, and
George struggles.)
Elaine in her office at work. Toby enters.
TOBY
Hi!
ELAINE
Hi, Toby.
TOBY
How are you doing today?
ELAINE
Fine... (Toby sits and waits for Elaine
to speak.) How are you?
TOBY
Oh, I'm great! Just great. Really great!
Oh, hey - did you hear about Bob Rosen?
ELAINE
Nope.
TOBY
He is going to Knopp. He is going to
be a vice president.
ELAINE
Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's
an opening here for senior editor...has
Lippman, uh, hired anyone?
TOBY
No. I hear he wants to promote someone
in-house.
ELAINE
Really!
TOBY
Maybe it'll be you!
ELAINE
Oh...well...
TOBY
You really deserve it. I mean, you have
experience, seniority...Lippman really
respects your opinion...
ELAINE
Well! Well, it could be you.
TOBY
No...
ELAINE
No, really.
TOBY
Really? You think so?
ELAINE
Sure.
TOBY
Boy, wouldn't that be exciting!
ELAINE
I mean, stranger things have happened...
TOBY
Wow! Me! A senior editor! (deadly serious)
I'd like that.
ELAINE
Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up,
Toby.
TOBY
Well, it's a possibility, like you said!
Stranger things have happened! Thank
you, Elaine. Thank you. (Exits.)
Jerry and Ronnie the Prop Comic backstage at the comedy club.
JERRY
Hey, Ronnie. (To bartender) Can I have
a club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight?
RONNIE
Yeah. You?
JERRY
Yeah.
RONNIE
You know Leonard Christian's here?
JERRY
Yeah, I know.
RONNIE
Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils
getting bigger?
JERRY
I don't...think so.
RONNIE
Are you sure? Take a good look. They
seem a little bigger?
JERRY
I don't...I dunno.
RONNIE
Is it possible for nostrils to expand?
JERRY
Oh, is this a bit?
RONNIE
Hey, I don't do "bits." I'm a prop comic.
Dammit, I can't find my water gun. I
can't go on without my water gun.
(Kramer and Toby enter.)
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry. Toby, this is Jerry.
TOBY
This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps!
(To Jerry) Touch! Touch them! (Jerry
touches her arm. Toby screeches with
excitement.) I've never been to a comedy
club before!
JERRY
Really! You know, a lot of restaurants
are serving brewed decaf now, too.
TOBY
You are so funny!
JERRY
Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear.
TOBY
Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't
believe him. I believe you. I believe
you! Oh, he's so funny! (laughs)
KRAMER
What about me?
TOBY
What about you? (laughs) I'm only kidding.
You're funny, too. I love to laugh.
JERRY
Good, good.
KRAMER
So, you up next?
JERRY
Yeah, why don't you guys get a table
so you'll have good seats?
TOBY
Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting
in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey,
big head, can you move out of the way?
I didn't pay a cover charge to stare
at your bald spot.' (laughs)
KRAMER
Alright, so you have a good show, huh
buddy?
JERRY
Yeah.
TOBY
Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make
sure it's a great show!
JERRY
O.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer
and Toby are about to exit. She turns
around and clutches Kramer's jacket.)
TOBY
Oh, he's so great! This is so great!
I'm so excited!
Cut to Jerry on stage. Toby and Kramer are sitting in the audience
near the front.
JERRY
Men definitely hit the remote button
more than women...
TOBY
Oh, really! Really! That is so true!
JERRY
Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's
on TV, men only care what else is on
TV.
TOBY
Yes! Yes! Right on! Right on! (Other
audience members give her puzzled looks.)
JERRY
See...women really want to see what
the show is before they change the channel...
TOBY
Oh, that is so true, yes!
JERRY
...that's why men hunt and women nest.
TOBY
BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! (Toby's obnoxious
behavior causes Jerry to completely
lose his place and mess up his act.)
Jerry pacing the floor backstage after his act. Kramer enters.
JERRY
Hey, what's the deal? What was goin'
on there? I invite you down here, I
have an important show, and she heckles
me?!
KRAMER
Look, she didn't mean anything.
JERRY
Well, what is the matter with her? Is
she crazy?!
KRAMER
She's just being enthusiastic, that's
all!
(Toby enters.)
JERRY
Hey! What is wrong with you?!
TOBY
Me? Nothing's wrong with me.
JERRY
You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop
blathering throughout the whole set!
TOBY
Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro!
That's part of the show.
JERRY
No! Not part of the show! Booing and
hissing are not part of the show! You
boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent
movies!
TOBY
Well, that's the way I express myself.
How are you gonna make it in this business
if you can't take it?
JERRY
Oh, I can take it.
TOBY
Let's go. (Ronnie walks by Jerry.)
RONNIE
Hey, man. Good set.
George talking to Eric, the clown at Robin's son's birthday party.
GEORGE
Bozo?
ERIC
No.
GEORGE
B-O-Z-O?
ERIC
Sorry, I...
GEORGE
You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?
ERIC
No!
GEORGE
How could you not know who Bozo the
Clown is?
ERIC
I don't know, I just don't.
GEORGE
How can you call yourself a clown and
not know who Bozo is?
ERIC
Hey, man - what are you hassling me
for? This is just a gig, it's not my
life. I don't know who Bozo is, what
- is he a clown?
GEORGE
Is he a clown? What, are you kidding
me!?
ERIC
Well, what is he?
GEORGE
Yes, he's a clown!
ERIC
Alright, so what's the big deal! There's
millions of clowns!
GEORGE
Alright, just forget it.
ERIC
Me forget it? You should forget it!
You're livin' in the past, man! You're
hung up on some clown from the sixties,
man!
GEORGE
Alright, very good, very good...go fold
your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric!
What kind of name is that for a clown,
huh?
ROBIN'S MOTHER
Excuse me...you must be George! I'm
Robin's mother. Oh, you seem like such
a lovely young man!
GEORGE
Well, I do what I can. (Robin comes
over.)
ROBIN
Hi Mom, how's everything?
ROBIN'S MOTHER
Oh, this is just a wonderful party!
ROBIN
The burgers should be ready in a minute.
GEORGE
Ah, great, great. (sniffs) What's that
smell? Smoke? (walks to the kitchen)
Hey everybody, I think I smell some
smoke back here...(smoke boils into
the doorway.) FIRE! FIRE! Get out of
the way!
(The kids all scream and the party goes crazy. George barrels
out of the kitchen, pushing down kids, clowns and old ladies
in a mad panic to escape. He runs out the door and leaves everyone
behind.)
Cut to George sitting in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen
mask on his face.
GEORGE
It was an inferno in there! An inferno!
(Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids
rush at George.)
ERIC
There he is! That's him! (Tries to clobber
George with his big shoe.)
ROBIN'S MOTHER
That's the coward that left us to die!
Commercial break.
Cut back to George attempting to explain his cowardly actions
to Robin, her mother, Eric and a fireman from the back of the
ambulance at the party.
GEORGE
I...was trying to lead the way. We needed
a leader! Someone to lead the way to
safety.
ROBIN
But you yelled "get out of my way"!
GEORGE
Because! Because, as the leader...if
I die...then all hope is lost! Who would
lead? The clown? Instead of castigating
me, you should all be thanking me. What
kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live
in, where heroes are cast as villains?
Brave men as cowards?
ROBIN
But I saw you push the women and children
out of the way in a mad panic! I saw
you knock them down! And when you ran
out, you left everyone behind!
GEORGE
Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained
eye, I can fully understand how you
got that impression. What looked like
pushing...what looked like knocking
down...was a safety precaution! In a
fire, you stay close to the ground,
am I right? And when I ran out that
door, I was not leaving anyone behind!
Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my
life making sure that exit was clear.
Any other questions?
FIREMAN
How do you live with yourself?
GEORGE
Its not easy.
George and Jerry at the coffee shop.
GEORGE
So she doesn't want to see me anymore.
JERRY
Did you knock her over too, or just
the kids?
GEORGE
No, her too. And her mother.
JERRY
Really? Her mother.
GEORGE
Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm,
too, I don't know.
JERRY
You probably couldn't see because of
the smoke.
GEORGE
Yeah. But it was somebody's arm.
JERRY
So you feel "women and children first,"
in this day and age, is somewhat of
an antiquated notion.
GEORGE
To some degree.
JERRY
So basically, it's every man, woman,
child, and invalid for themselves.
GEORGE
In a manner of speaking.
JERRY
Well, it's honest.
GEORGE
Yeah. She should be commending me for
treating everyone like equals.
JERRY
Well, perhaps when she's released from
the burn center, she'll see things differently.
GEORGE
Perhaps.
JERRY
So, what was the fire? Just a couple
of greasy hamburgers?
GEORGE
Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with
his big shoe.
JERRY
By the way, did you see this? (Hands
George a magazine)
GEORGE
What's that?
JERRY
It's the Leonard Christian article about
my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled,
I betcha it's because of the article.
GEORGE
Wow, he really does a number on you.
(reads) "Seinfeld froze like a deer
in the headlights in the face of incessant
heckling."
JERRY
I should have let her have it! I held
back because of Kramer.
GEORGE
You know what you oughta do. You should
go to her office and heckle her.
JERRY
Yeah, right.
GEORGE
You know, like all the comedians always
say, 'How would you like it if I came
to where you work and heckled you?'
JERRY
Yeah, that'd be something.
GEORGE
I'm not kidding, you should do it.
JERRY
But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's
revenge? I've always had a fantasy about
doing that.
GEORGE
Well, go ahead! Do it!
JERRY
Why can't I?
GEORGE
No reason!
JERRY
You know what? I think I'm gonna do
that! She came down to where I work,
I'll go down to where she works!
GEORGE
This is unprecedented!
JERRY
There's no precedent, baby!
GEORGE
What...are you using my babies now?
Toby in her office at Pendant. Jerry pokes his head in the door.
JERRY
Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals
to work? It's always nice to walk into
a room and get the aroma of feet. That's
real conducive to the work atmosphere.
I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate
it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office.
Great idea! We can check on her bunions!'
TOBY
You know, I have work to do here! I'm
very busy!
JERRY
Oh, is this disruptive? You find it
hard to work with someone...interrupting?
TOBY
Well, how would you like it if I called
security?
JERRY
Security? Well, I don't know how you're
gonna make it in this business if you
can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo!
Boooo!
(Kramer arrives just as Toby gets upset and storms out.)
KRAMER
Wait a second, what's happenin' here?
Toby! Toby!
(Street outside. We hear screeching tires and Toby screaming,
"My pinky toe!" Kramer is heard yelling "Toby!" and is shown
with a shocked expression on his face.)
Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.
KRAMER
What did you go up there to heckle her
for?
JERRY
Because she came down to the club and
heckled me! Give her a taste of her
own medicine! (George enters.)
KRAMER
Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine,
alright.
JERRY
Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.
GEORGE
What accident?
KRAMER
Well, after he heckled Toby, she got
so upset, she ran out of the building
and a street sweeper ran over her foot
and severed her pinky toe.
GEORGE
That's unbelievable!
KRAMER
Yeah! Then after the ambulance left,
I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker
Jack box, filled it with ice, and took
off for the hospital.
GEORGE
You ran?
KRAMER
No, I jumped on the bus. I told the
driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step
on it."
GEORGE
Holy cow!
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this
guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any
delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe,
so I got out of the seat and I started
walking towards him. He says, "Where
do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?"
I said, "Well, I got a little prize
for ya, buddy - " (Kramer throws two
quick punches and a massive uppercut)
- knocked him out cold!
GEORGE
How could you do that?!
KRAMER
Then everybody is screamin,' because
the driver, he's passed out from all
the commotion...the bus is out of control!
So, I grab him by the collar, I take
him out of the seat, I get behind the
wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.
GEORGE
You're Batman.
KRAMER
Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger,
he comes to, and he starts chokin' me!
So I'm fightin' him off with one hand
and I kept drivin' the bus with the
other, y'know? Then I managed to open
up the door, and I kicked him out the
door with my foot, you know - at the
next stop.
JERRY
You kept makin' all the stops?
KRAMER
Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
GEORGE
Well, what about the toe? What happened
to the toe?
KRAMER
Well! I am happy to say that the little
guy is back in place at the end of the
line.
GEORGE
You did all this...for a pinky toe?
KRAMER
Well, it's a valuable appendage.
Elaine in her office at work, talking with two co-workers.
JOANNE
So, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached
it.
ELAINE
Really.
JOANNE
Poor kid. What an ordeal.
MICHAEL
And you know how extremely sensitive
she is...she's gonna need our full support.
ELAINE
Yeah, right.
MICHAEL
Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something?
TOBY
Oh no, I'll be fine...
(A horde of employees flood into Elaine's office to gush over
Toby. Elaine is pushed to the floor as a result.)
Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
She got the promotion?
ELAINE
Yep.
JERRY
Why?
ELAINE
I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky
toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt
so sorry for her, he didn't want to
hurt her feelings.
JERRY
Too bad.
ELAINE
Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I
mean, what is it? It's useless! It does
nothing. It's got that little nail that
is just impossible to cut. What do we
need it for?
JERRY
Because Elaine, that's the one that
goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'
ELAINE
Why don't you just shut the f-
KRAMER
Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news?
Toby got promoted!
ELAINE
Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there,
remember??
KRAMER
Yeah, and you know what she told me?
She said her first order of business
is to put my coffee table book into
the bookstores as soon as possible.
ELAINE
Oh, wonderful!
KRAMER
You know, throughout this whole thing,
she always kept a smile on her face.
ELAINE
Oh, of course! She's deranged.
Jerry and Ronnie backstage at the comedy club.
JERRY
So, I went down to the magazine, I pleaded
with him to come and see me again, finally
he agreed to come down tonight, and
he's going to write another article.
RONNIE
I heard you went down to somebody's
office and heckled them?
JERRY
Damn right! We've been lapdogs long
enough!
RONNIE
How could you do that? I mean, everybody's
talking about it.
JERRY
Well, it's about time one of us drew
a line in the sand.
RONNIE
Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened
the door for all of us. I can't wait
till the next time someone heckles me.
JERRY
Yeah, well, won't be long.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Jerry Seinfeld!
JERRY
Gotta go. (heads out on stage)
(George enters and sees Robin working.)
GEORGE
Robin? Robin!
ROBIN
George, what is it? I'm working.
GEORGE
Robin, listen to me. The most amazing
thing has happened. Kramer has opened
my eyes. I think I've changed.
ROBIN
What are you talking about?
GEORGE
O.k....(is about to explain. Cut to
Jerry on-stage.)
JERRY
I mean, Bozo the Clown...does he really
need "the clown" in his title, as clown?
Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse
him with Bozo the district attorney?
Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo...
Cut back to George explaining his situation to Robin.
GEORGE
...you'll see, things will be different
now - if you just give me one more chance.
ROBIN
Listen...I gotta think about this. (walks
away.)
GEORGE
Alright, but I'm serious about this.
RONNIE
Alright, hand it over man!
Cut back to Jerry onstage.
JERRY
...that's why men hunt and women nest.
GEORGE
He's got a gun! He's got a gun! (Tries
to flee the bar in a mad panic. The
audience in the club also goes nuts
and heads for the exits. Jerry stands
onstage, perplexed.)
Cut back to George in the bar.
ROBIN
George! This is Ronnie Kaye!
GEORGE
The prop comic? (Ronnie holds up his
water gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't
recognize you, what...did you get a
haircut?
RONNIE
Nostrils.
(Jerry comes backstage.)
JERRY
George - could I have a word?
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I was in a hotel the other day, and
on the back of the door in the hotel
they have the fire map. I'm flattered
that they think I have it together enough
to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing
directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the
stairs, right by the candy machine...'
I'd probably get lost, have to go back
to the room, check the map again...and
they always tell you, no matter what,
whatever you do in a hotel fire - do
not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to
live, I've never panicked in my whole
life - it's my option. Even if they
find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee,
I heard they saved you swingin' from
the shower curtain naked with an ice
bucket on your head. What happened there?'
'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'
THE END
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