To me, the thing about birthday parties
is that the first birthday party you
have and the last birthday party you
have are actually quite similar. You
know, you just kinda sit there...you're
the least excited person at the party.
You don't even really realize that there
is a party. You don't know what's goin'
on. Both birthday parties, people have
to kinda help you blow out the candles,
you can't do it...you don't even know
why you're doing it. What is this ritual?
What is going on? It's also the only
two birthday parties where other people
have to gather your friends together
for you. Sometimes they're not even
your friends. They make the judgement.
They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down,
and they tell you - 'these are your
friends! Tell them thank you for coming
to my birthday party.'
Elaine, Kramer, and Kramer's excitable girlfriend Toby in Elaine's
office at Pendant. They're looking at proofs for Kramer's "coffee
table book about coffee tables."
These are great! Just great! Really
great! Really, really great! Don't you
think so, Elaine?
Yeah, really great.
A coffee table book about coffee tables!
(To Kramer) How did you come up with
It was there!
Oh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm
a coffee table, put some coffee on me!
Oh, the hotter the better, that's what
I'm here for!' (laughs)
Actually, I've got some work I gotta
Hey, how about if the book came with
these little fold-out legs...so the
book itself becomes a coffee table?
Ohhh, that is a great idea! Really,
Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment later that day.
'And that coffee table is saying, put
some coffee on me!' I'd like to put
some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee
- right in her face! I swear! This is
like working with a contestant from
"The Price Is Right"! (demonstrates)
Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine,
listen, tell me if you think this is
funny - (reads comedy he's written)
"Men definitely hit the remote more
than women...men don't care what's on
TV, men only care what else is on TV.
Women want to see what the show is before
they change the channel, because men
hunt and women nest."
Yeah, it's funny, I dunno.
You don't know? Come on, that's gold!
Well, I don't know about "gold."
Oh, that's gold, baby.
'Baby'? What, are you doing George now?
I was saying 'baby' way before George!
Well, I don't know, don't ask me any
more questions about jokes, Jerry, it
puts too much pressure on me.
Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna
be there tomorrow night.
Yeah, who's he?
He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly.
I would like to have a good show.
Danke schoen, my little dumplings.
Hey, how about that Toby, huh?
Yeah, how about her?
Ooh, she's a package full of energy!
Yeah, she's a package full of something.
And that something is life. Jerry, you
gotta meet this gal - she's brimmin'
Oh, pleeeeease. (moves to the living
room and sits down)
Hey, are you performing tomorrow night?
Great, I'm gonna bring Toby.
Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being
reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna
Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine?
Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry.
(imitates Toby) Really, really great!
Well, you want to sit with George? I
think he's coming with Robin.
Is that the waitress from the comedy
What about her kid, is she bringing
She's got a kid?
Yeah, you should see George get along
with this kid!
George and Robin in a booth at the coffee shop. Robin's kid is
under the table.
Ow! What are you doing under there?
Hey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's
not food! (to Robin) He's suckin' down
Do you think 25 kids is too much?
25 kids for his birthday party? (to
kid under table) Don't put your tongue
on the floor! He's putting his tongue
on the floor! Here, here, have some
more sugar packets.
So, what about entertainment? (to kid)
Should I get Barney?
Maybe a clown.
How about Bozo?
Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who
Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the
Clown was the clown, bar none.
With the orange hair, and the big clown
shirt with the ruffles...
And the TV show! He had cartoons!
George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's
out. He's finished. It's over for Bozo.
You know, when I was a kid, we didn't
have these elaborate birthday parties
with catered food and entertainment.
I remember my 7th birthday party...
Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles,
I said! Blow out the damn candles!
Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!
Well, this time, you can blow out the
Nah, I have asthma. (Robin's kid grabs
George's leg from under the table, and
Elaine in her office at work. Toby enters.
How are you doing today?
Fine... (Toby sits and waits for Elaine
to speak.) How are you?
Oh, I'm great! Just great. Really great!
Oh, hey - did you hear about Bob Rosen?
He is going to Knopp. He is going to
be a vice president.
Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's
an opening here for senior editor...has
Lippman, uh, hired anyone?
No. I hear he wants to promote someone
Maybe it'll be you!
You really deserve it. I mean, you have
experience, seniority...Lippman really
respects your opinion...
Well! Well, it could be you.
Really? You think so?
Boy, wouldn't that be exciting!
I mean, stranger things have happened...
Wow! Me! A senior editor! (deadly serious)
I'd like that.
Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up,
Well, it's a possibility, like you said!
Stranger things have happened! Thank
you, Elaine. Thank you. (Exits.)
Jerry and Ronnie the Prop Comic backstage at the comedy club.
Hey, Ronnie. (To bartender) Can I have
a club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight?
You know Leonard Christian's here?
Yeah, I know.
Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils
I don't...think so.
Are you sure? Take a good look. They
seem a little bigger?
I don't...I dunno.
Is it possible for nostrils to expand?
Oh, is this a bit?
Hey, I don't do "bits." I'm a prop comic.
Dammit, I can't find my water gun. I
can't go on without my water gun.
(Kramer and Toby enter.)
Hey, Jerry. Toby, this is Jerry.
This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps!
(To Jerry) Touch! Touch them! (Jerry
touches her arm. Toby screeches with
excitement.) I've never been to a comedy
Really! You know, a lot of restaurants
are serving brewed decaf now, too.
You are so funny!
Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear.
Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't
believe him. I believe you. I believe
you! Oh, he's so funny! (laughs)
What about me?
What about you? (laughs) I'm only kidding.
You're funny, too. I love to laugh.
So, you up next?
Yeah, why don't you guys get a table
so you'll have good seats?
Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting
in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey,
big head, can you move out of the way?
I didn't pay a cover charge to stare
at your bald spot.' (laughs)
Alright, so you have a good show, huh
Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make
sure it's a great show!
O.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer
and Toby are about to exit. She turns
around and clutches Kramer's jacket.)
Oh, he's so great! This is so great!
I'm so excited!
Cut to Jerry on stage. Toby and Kramer are sitting in the audience
near the front.
Men definitely hit the remote button
more than women...
Oh, really! Really! That is so true!
Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's
on TV, men only care what else is on
Yes! Yes! Right on! Right on! (Other
audience members give her puzzled looks.)
See...women really want to see what
the show is before they change the channel...
Oh, that is so true, yes!
...that's why men hunt and women nest.
BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! (Toby's obnoxious
behavior causes Jerry to completely
lose his place and mess up his act.)
Jerry pacing the floor backstage after his act. Kramer enters.
Hey, what's the deal? What was goin'
on there? I invite you down here, I
have an important show, and she heckles
Look, she didn't mean anything.
Well, what is the matter with her? Is
She's just being enthusiastic, that's
Hey! What is wrong with you?!
Me? Nothing's wrong with me.
You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop
blathering throughout the whole set!
Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro!
That's part of the show.
No! Not part of the show! Booing and
hissing are not part of the show! You
boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent
Well, that's the way I express myself.
How are you gonna make it in this business
if you can't take it?
Oh, I can take it.
Let's go. (Ronnie walks by Jerry.)
Hey, man. Good set.
George talking to Eric, the clown at Robin's son's birthday party.
You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?
How could you not know who Bozo the
I don't know, I just don't.
How can you call yourself a clown and
not know who Bozo is?
Hey, man - what are you hassling me
for? This is just a gig, it's not my
life. I don't know who Bozo is, what
- is he a clown?
Is he a clown? What, are you kidding
Well, what is he?
Yes, he's a clown!
Alright, so what's the big deal! There's
millions of clowns!
Alright, just forget it.
Me forget it? You should forget it!
You're livin' in the past, man! You're
hung up on some clown from the sixties,
Alright, very good, very good...go fold
your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric!
What kind of name is that for a clown,
Excuse me...you must be George! I'm
Robin's mother. Oh, you seem like such
a lovely young man!
Well, I do what I can. (Robin comes
Hi Mom, how's everything?
Oh, this is just a wonderful party!
The burgers should be ready in a minute.
Ah, great, great. (sniffs) What's that
smell? Smoke? (walks to the kitchen)
Hey everybody, I think I smell some
smoke back here...(smoke boils into
the doorway.) FIRE! FIRE! Get out of
(The kids all scream and the party goes crazy. George barrels
out of the kitchen, pushing down kids, clowns and old ladies
in a mad panic to escape. He runs out the door and leaves everyone
Cut to George sitting in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen
mask on his face.
It was an inferno in there! An inferno!
(Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids
rush at George.)
There he is! That's him! (Tries to clobber
George with his big shoe.)
That's the coward that left us to die!
Cut back to George attempting to explain his cowardly actions
to Robin, her mother, Eric and a fireman from the back of the
ambulance at the party.
I...was trying to lead the way. We needed
a leader! Someone to lead the way to
But you yelled "get out of my way"!
Because! Because, as the leader...if
I die...then all hope is lost! Who would
lead? The clown? Instead of castigating
me, you should all be thanking me. What
kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live
in, where heroes are cast as villains?
Brave men as cowards?
But I saw you push the women and children
out of the way in a mad panic! I saw
you knock them down! And when you ran
out, you left everyone behind!
Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained
eye, I can fully understand how you
got that impression. What looked like
pushing...what looked like knocking
down...was a safety precaution! In a
fire, you stay close to the ground,
am I right? And when I ran out that
door, I was not leaving anyone behind!
Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my
life making sure that exit was clear.
Any other questions?
How do you live with yourself?
Its not easy.
George and Jerry at the coffee shop.
So she doesn't want to see me anymore.
Did you knock her over too, or just
No, her too. And her mother.
Really? Her mother.
Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm,
too, I don't know.
You probably couldn't see because of
Yeah. But it was somebody's arm.
So you feel "women and children first,"
in this day and age, is somewhat of
an antiquated notion.
To some degree.
So basically, it's every man, woman,
child, and invalid for themselves.
In a manner of speaking.
Well, it's honest.
Yeah. She should be commending me for
treating everyone like equals.
Well, perhaps when she's released from
the burn center, she'll see things differently.
So, what was the fire? Just a couple
of greasy hamburgers?
Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with
his big shoe.
By the way, did you see this? (Hands
George a magazine)
It's the Leonard Christian article about
my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled,
I betcha it's because of the article.
Wow, he really does a number on you.
(reads) "Seinfeld froze like a deer
in the headlights in the face of incessant
I should have let her have it! I held
back because of Kramer.
You know what you oughta do. You should
go to her office and heckle her.
You know, like all the comedians always
say, 'How would you like it if I came
to where you work and heckled you?'
Yeah, that'd be something.
I'm not kidding, you should do it.
But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's
revenge? I've always had a fantasy about
Well, go ahead! Do it!
Why can't I?
You know what? I think I'm gonna do
that! She came down to where I work,
I'll go down to where she works!
This is unprecedented!
There's no precedent, baby!
What...are you using my babies now?
Toby in her office at Pendant. Jerry pokes his head in the door.
Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals
to work? It's always nice to walk into
a room and get the aroma of feet. That's
real conducive to the work atmosphere.
I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate
it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office.
Great idea! We can check on her bunions!'
You know, I have work to do here! I'm
Oh, is this disruptive? You find it
hard to work with someone...interrupting?
Well, how would you like it if I called
Security? Well, I don't know how you're
gonna make it in this business if you
can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo!
(Kramer arrives just as Toby gets upset and storms out.)
Wait a second, what's happenin' here?
(Street outside. We hear screeching tires and Toby screaming,
"My pinky toe!" Kramer is heard yelling "Toby!" and is shown
with a shocked expression on his face.)
Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.
What did you go up there to heckle her
Because she came down to the club and
heckled me! Give her a taste of her
own medicine! (George enters.)
Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine,
Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.
Well, after he heckled Toby, she got
so upset, she ran out of the building
and a street sweeper ran over her foot
and severed her pinky toe.
Yeah! Then after the ambulance left,
I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker
Jack box, filled it with ice, and took
off for the hospital.
No, I jumped on the bus. I told the
driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step
Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this
guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any
delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe,
so I got out of the seat and I started
walking towards him. He says, "Where
do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?"
I said, "Well, I got a little prize
for ya, buddy - " (Kramer throws two
quick punches and a massive uppercut)
- knocked him out cold!
How could you do that?!
Then everybody is screamin,' because
the driver, he's passed out from all
the commotion...the bus is out of control!
So, I grab him by the collar, I take
him out of the seat, I get behind the
wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.
Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger,
he comes to, and he starts chokin' me!
So I'm fightin' him off with one hand
and I kept drivin' the bus with the
other, y'know? Then I managed to open
up the door, and I kicked him out the
door with my foot, you know - at the
You kept makin' all the stops?
Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
Well, what about the toe? What happened
to the toe?
Well! I am happy to say that the little
guy is back in place at the end of the
You did all this...for a pinky toe?
Well, it's a valuable appendage.
Elaine in her office at work, talking with two co-workers.
So, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached
Poor kid. What an ordeal.
And you know how extremely sensitive
she is...she's gonna need our full support.
Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something?
Oh no, I'll be fine...
(A horde of employees flood into Elaine's office to gush over
Toby. Elaine is pushed to the floor as a result.)
Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.
She got the promotion?
I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky
toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt
so sorry for her, he didn't want to
hurt her feelings.
Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I
mean, what is it? It's useless! It does
nothing. It's got that little nail that
is just impossible to cut. What do we
need it for?
Because Elaine, that's the one that
goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'
Why don't you just shut the f-
Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news?
Toby got promoted!
Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there,
Yeah, and you know what she told me?
She said her first order of business
is to put my coffee table book into
the bookstores as soon as possible.
You know, throughout this whole thing,
she always kept a smile on her face.
Oh, of course! She's deranged.
Jerry and Ronnie backstage at the comedy club.
So, I went down to the magazine, I pleaded
with him to come and see me again, finally
he agreed to come down tonight, and
he's going to write another article.
I heard you went down to somebody's
office and heckled them?
Damn right! We've been lapdogs long
How could you do that? I mean, everybody's
talking about it.
Well, it's about time one of us drew
a line in the sand.
Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened
the door for all of us. I can't wait
till the next time someone heckles me.
Yeah, well, won't be long.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Gotta go. (heads out on stage)
(George enters and sees Robin working.)
George, what is it? I'm working.
Robin, listen to me. The most amazing
thing has happened. Kramer has opened
my eyes. I think I've changed.
What are you talking about?
O.k....(is about to explain. Cut to
I mean, Bozo the Clown...does he really
need "the clown" in his title, as clown?
Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse
him with Bozo the district attorney?
Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo...
Cut back to George explaining his situation to Robin.
...you'll see, things will be different
now - if you just give me one more chance.
Listen...I gotta think about this. (walks
Alright, but I'm serious about this.
Alright, hand it over man!
Cut back to Jerry onstage.
...that's why men hunt and women nest.
He's got a gun! He's got a gun! (Tries
to flee the bar in a mad panic. The
audience in the club also goes nuts
and heads for the exits. Jerry stands
Cut back to George in the bar.
George! This is Ronnie Kaye!
The prop comic? (Ronnie holds up his
water gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't
recognize you, what...did you get a
(Jerry comes backstage.)
George - could I have a word?
I was in a hotel the other day, and
on the back of the door in the hotel
they have the fire map. I'm flattered
that they think I have it together enough
to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing
directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the
stairs, right by the candy machine...'
I'd probably get lost, have to go back
to the room, check the map again...and
they always tell you, no matter what,
whatever you do in a hotel fire - do
not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to
live, I've never panicked in my whole
life - it's my option. Even if they
find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee,
I heard they saved you swingin' from
the shower curtain naked with an ice
bucket on your head. What happened there?'
'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'