THE FIX-UP
Written by
Larry Charles & Elaine Pope
(Comedy club)
I tell ya, I never really understood the importance of the conductor.
I mean
between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing? Do you really
need
somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does
that really help
you out? I could see how we need him at the beginning. Okay,
tap-tap-tap,
start. Okay, I can see how you need that. But once we're going,
okay, once
it's all happening, what do we need him for then? I don't see
the cellist
looking up, go, "I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I don't
know what to
do." And the conductor goes, "Do this. Like this" "Oh, okay,
thank you very
much."
Jerry and George are seated at a table in a restaurant.
GEORGE
Why even try anymore? There's no sense
to it. I'm never gonna meet
anybody, I should just accept it.
JERRY
Oh, yes you will.
GEORGE
No, I won't.
JERRY
Yeah, maybe you won't.
GEORGE
I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman
you dislike, much less like.
JERRY
Are my nostrils getting bigger?
GEORGE
No. Why must it be so difficult? Why
is there all this tension and
hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street
and say, "Hi. I'm
George. How are you?" Is that so terrible?
Just then a beautiful woman walks past their table, George offers
up a meek 'Hi'
which the woman ignores as she passed. George then says 'Hi'
a few more times
as he reaches for and drinks from his water glass, as though
we was saying that
anyway and it had nothing to do with the woman. (Funnier to watch
than read.)
Elaine and a friend, Cynthia, are seated at a table in another
restaurant.
CYNTHIA
There's just no men out there, you know?
ELAINE
I know.
CYNTHIA
I mean the problem is that the good
ones know they're good. And they
know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining
themselves
to one person.
ELAINE
I hate the good ones.
CYNTHIA
Is Jerry one of the good ones?
ELAINE
That's a good question, I think he thinks
he is.
CYNTHIA
Well, the mediocre ones are available,
but they're so insecure about
not being one of the good ones that they're always going, "Well
I'm not good
enough for you, what are you doing with me?" and eventually I
just go, "You're
right."
ELAINE
You know, maybe you need somebody between
good and mediocre.
CYNTHIA
No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing,
somebody who just has to
appreciate being with me because he's so desperate.
Cut back to George and Jerry, George is eating sloppily.
GEORGE
I mean it's gotten to the point where
I'm flirting with operators on
the phone. I almost made a date with one.
JERRY
Oh, so there's still hope.
GEORGE
I don't want hope. Hope is killing me.
My dream is to become
hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you
don't care, that
indifference makes you attractive.
JERRY
Oh, so hopelessness is the key.
GEORGE
It's my only hope.
Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia.
CYNTHIA
See, I wouldn't really mind so much,
but I feel badly for my mother.
I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But,
I'm telling
you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have
to kill her
because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her
through that.
ELAINE
Well, at least you're not bitter.
CYNTHIA
Who says I'm not bitter?
ELAINE
Aren't you too young to be bitter?
CYNTHIA
No, you can be young and bitter, just
maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna
be ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone.
ELAINE
Don't worry, your bitterness is safe
with me.
CYNTHIA
Um, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna
go throw up.
Jerry and Elaine are reading the newspaper at Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from
the paper. You know, they should
give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.
ELAINE
So what'd you do last night?
JERRY
Went out with George, you?
ELAINE
Went out with Cynthia.
JERRY
How was it? What'd you talk about?
ELAINE
Well, you know, the usual; The Federal
Reserve, the rainforest.
Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get
rid of it in one
fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation.
What
about you?
JERRY
We brushed on that. Actually, George
was in rare form. He just can't
find anybody.
ELAINE
I know, Cynthia too. She's really given
up.
JERRY
George too.
They look at each other for a moment.
JERRY AND ELAINE
Yeah, right.
JERRY
I've never fixed anybody up.
ELAINE
Uh, me neither and I am not about to
start with George.
JERRY
Well why wouldn't you start with George?
You think she's too good for
George?
ELAINE
I didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too
good'?
JERRY
Well you implied it.
ELAINE
I didn't say it.
JERRY
Because if you think she's too good
for George, you are dead wrong.
Dead wrong. Who is she?
ELAINE
Who is he?
JERRY
He's George!
ELAINE
She's Cynthia!
JERRY
So what?
ELAINE
What, you don't think she's beautiful?
JERRY
I don't know, what's with the eyebrows?
ELAINE
You know what your problem is? Your
standards are too high.
JERRY
I went out with you.
ELAINE
That's because my standards are too
low. And by the way, you know,
women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women
pluck their
real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald,
Jerry. Bald
above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look
like that.
JERRY
Well let me tell you something about
George. He is fast. He can run
like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred
pounds over his
head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look
at him, but
George can bait a hook.
ELAINE
He can really do that?
JERRY
Come on, let's do it, I think they'll
really get along.
ELAINE
What, are you into this?
JERRY
Yeah, come on, it's a good match.
ELAINE
No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're
gonna be telling us how
their dates went. Are we gonna share that information?
JERRY
Naturally.
ELAINE
Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell
each other everything, I mean
every secret?
JERRY
Everything.
ELAINE
What if it worked out?
JERRY
Yeah right.
Jerry and George are in Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
Out of the question. Out of the question!
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
No! I'm not gonna do that! That's one
step away from personal ads!
And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What
does she look
like?
JERRY
She's good looking.
GEORGE
How good looking?
JERRY
Very good looking.
GEORGE
Really good looking?
JERRY
Really very good looking.
GEORGE
Would you take her out?
JERRY
Yes, I would take her out.
GEORGE
Oh, you hesitated.
JERRY
What hesitate? I didn't hesitate!
GEORGE
No, something's off here, you hesitated.
JERRY
I'm telling you, she's good looking.
GEORGE
What about the body, what kind of body?
JERRY
Good body, nice body.
GEORGE
How nice?
JERRY
Nice.
GEORGE
Just nice?
JERRY
Pretty nice.
GEORGE
Really good?
JERRY
Really very nice and good.
GEORGE
What about personality?
JERRY
Good personality. Funny. Bright.
GEORGE
Smarter than me? I don't want anyone
smarter than me.
JERRY
How could she be smarter than you?
GEORGE
Alright, let's see, let's see. What
else. What else. Oh yeah, what
does she do?
Elaine and Cynthia are having a similar discussion.
CYNTHIA
First of all, what does he do?
ELAINE
He was in real estate, um, now, he's
not working right now-
CYNTHIA
He's not working?! How come he's not
working?
ELAINE
Well, um, he, he got fired.
CYNTHIA
Why did he get fired?
ELAINE
Uh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried
to poison his boss.
CYNTHIA
Excuse me?
ELAINE
Such a long story, Cynthia, seriously,
I mean he just had some problems
at work.
CYNTHIA
Is he nuts?
ELAINE
No, no, no, he's a really really funny
guy.
CYNTHIA
What does he look like?
ELAINE
Pardon?
CYNTHIA
What does he look like?
ELAINE
Um, well, he's got a lot of character
in his face. Um, he's short.
Um, he's stocky.
CYNTHIA
Fat. Is that what you're saying, that
he's fat?
ELAINE
Powerful. He is so powerful, he can
lift a hundred pounds right up
over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well,
he's kind
of, just kind of losing his hair.
CYNTHIA
He's bald?
ELAINE
No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's
balding.
CYNTHIA
So he will be bald.
ELAINE
Yup.
Cut back to Jerry and George.
GEORGE
What kind of hair?
JERRY
You know, long dark hair.
GEORGE
Flowing?
JERRY
Flowing?
GEORGE
Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading
hair. Thick lustrous hair is
very important to me.
JERRY
'Thick lustrous hair is very important
to me,' is that what you said?
GEORGE
Yeah, that's right.
JERRY
Just clarifying.
GEORGE
Let me ask you this. If you stick your
hand in the hair is it easy to
get it out?
JERRY
Do you want to be able to get it out
or do you want to not be able to
get it out?
GEORGE
I'd like to be able to get it out.
JERRY
I think you'll get it out.
GEORGE
What about the skin? I need a good cheek,
I like a good cheek.
JERRY
She's got a fine cheek.
GEORGE
Is there a pinkish hue?
JERRY
A pinkish hue?
GEORGE
Yes, a rosy glow.
JERRY
There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows,
women kill to have her
eyebrows.
GEORGE
Who cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet?
I like sweet. But not too
sweet, you could throw up from that.
JERRY
I don't think you'll throw up. *She*
likes to throw up.
Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia.
CYNTHIA
Has he ever been married?
ELAINE
No.
CYNTHIA
Has he been close?
ELAINE
He once spent a weekend with a woman.
CYNTHIA
He didn't really try to poison his boss?
ELAINE
Yeah, he did.
The next day, George is back at Jerry's.
GEORGE
We had an incredible phone conversation.
We talked for like twenty
minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You
know, I thought
she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber?
JERRY
I think it's tamber.
GEORGE
Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she
could do voiceover commercials,
why didn't you tell me about her voice?
JERRY
I didn't notice the voice.
GEORGE
It's mellifluous!
JERRY
So, Saturday night.
GEORGE
She had to be impressed by that conversation,
had to! It was a great
performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they
should just have
two phones on the table at the restaurant, done.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hi.
GEORGE
Hey! Saturday night!
ELAINE
I know!
GEORGE
So, what did she say?
ELAINE
She said you're getting together Saturday
night!
GEORGE
That's it?
ELAINE
Yeah!
GEORGE
She didn't mention anything about the
conversation?
ELAINE
No.
GEORGE
Now, you see, I don't get that. We had
a relaxed stimulating, great
conversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention
it?
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
She could have mentioned the conversation.
GEORGE
Alright, alright, I'll go on the date,
but that's that.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
You know my friend, Bob Sacamano?
JERRY
Oh, the guy from Jersey?
KRAMER
Yeah. He just got a job at a condom
factory in Edison. Look at this,
he gave me a gross.
GEORGE
What are you gonna do with all of them?
KRAMER
Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry.
Grab 'em.
JERRY
No thanks, they look like they came
out of a cereal box.
KRAMER
Come on, Elaine, here, take half a bag.
ELAINE
Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway,
they look kind of cheap.
GEORGE
I'll take one. It's possible.
Mid-episode monologue.
The problem with the condom is still buying them. I think we
should have like a
secret signal with the druggist that you just walk into the drugstore,
you go up
to the counter, he looks at you and if you go like this (nods)
he puts them in
the bag for you, that's it. You show up there, you put your little
shaving
cream, your little toothpaste, you know, "How are you today?"
(nods) "Have a
nice day." "You too."
Elaine and Jerry are on the phone, waiting for George and Cynthia's
date to end.
JERRY
So where are they already, it's a quarter
to twelve, they should be back
by now, what did they do?
ELAINE
I think they went out to dinner.
JERRY
Wait, I got another call. That must
be him. (clicks over) Hello?
GEORGE
Yeah, it's me, I just got home.
JERRY
Oh, hold on. (clicks back) It's George,
he just got home.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other
line.
JERRY
Alright, I'll call you back as soon
as I'm done.
ELAINE
Remember our pact. Full disclosure.
JERRY
Of course. (clicks back to George) Yeah,
go ahead.
GEORGE
Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but
I made a pact with Cynthia, we
swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine.
JERRY
You can tell me, I'll vault it.
GEORGE
It's in the vault?
JERRY
I'm locking the vault. What?
GEORGE
We had sex.
JERRY
Oh my god, you had sex, how did that
happen?
GEORGE
I don't know. I closed my eyes and made
a move.
JERRY
At your apartment?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
She didn't stay over?
GEORGE
No, she left. Listen, you can't mention
any of this to Elaine.
Cynthia will kill me, we made a deal.
Cut to Elaine on the phone with Cynthia.
ELAINE
Oh my god.
CYNTHIA
He was uncomfortable because it was
our first time so he felt he would
perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen
is always the
most sociable room in the house. And he was serious.
ELAINE
So? How was it?
CYNTHIA
How good could it be? My head was on
a hot plate.
ELAINE
Wait, I got another call, that must
be Jerry.
CYNTHIA
Oh wait, don't you tell him any of this.
ELAINE
Yeah, ok. (clicks over) Hello?
JERRY
So, what did she have to say?
ELAINE
What did he have to say?
JERRY
He said they had a good time.
ELAINE
Her too.
JERRY
Oh, good.
ELAINE
Anything else?
JERRY
Nope. You?
ELAINE
Nope.
JERRY
You sure?
ELAINE
Yup. You?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Alright. Well uh, guess everything is
under control.
JERRY
Yeah. Okay then.
ELAINE
Alright. Goodnight.
JERRY
Goodnight.
Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
I left three messages. I can't believe
this woman. She has sex with
me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again.
What kind of a
person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.
JERRY
Well, I'm gonna do something about this.
GEORGE
What are you gonna do?
JERRY
Nevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting
there on the kitchen floor
like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir,
whatever.
She's not going to get away with this.
GEORGE
I keep wracking my brain to try and
figure out what I did. I was
smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress
so she could see I
could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people.
JERRY
I'm gonna call her.
GEORGE
No, don't call her.
JERRY
No, I'm calling her.
GEORGE
No, Jerry, don't call.
JERRY
No, forget it, I'm gonna call.
GEORGE
I don't want you to call.
JERRY
Get away from me, I'm gonna call her.
GEORGE
Give me the phone!
JERRY
George, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna
fight?
GEORGE
Jerry, I'm gonna kill you!
Kramer enters and gets between them to break up the fight.
KRAMER
Hey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George,
now stop it!
JERRY
I'll just call her when you leave!
GEORGE
You can't do that, it's none of your
business!
JERRY
It is so my business!
KRAMER
Hey hey hey! I don't want to hear another
word out of either one of
you!
GEORGE
But tell him to give me the--
KRAMER
Ay ay ay! The next one of you that opens
up your mouth, says
something, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet
I know what this
is about. It's about a woman, isn't it?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Yeah, but--
KRAMER
Yeah yeah! You see, this is exactly
what they want to do to you. They
play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you
like that.
JERRY
But Kramer--
KRAMER
Noh noh noh! I want you guys to shake
hands. Come on, there are
plenty of women out there for all of us, let's go.
Jerry and George shake hands.
KRAMER
Yes. You see? Isn't that better than
fighting? Animosity? I mean,
you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the
way George, you
know those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them.
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
Right.
GEORGE
Defective?!
KRAMER
Defective.
GEORGE
How could you give me a defective condom?!
KRAMER
I didn't even know they were defective.
Jerry gets between them to break up the fight.
KRAMER
Didn't even thin you were gonna use
them.
GEORGE
What do you mean you didn't think I
wasn't gonna use them?!
JERRY
Take it easy, you guys, just spread
out! Don't worry about it, if
anything was wrong she would have called you already!
Elaine answers her door, it's Cynthia.
CYNTHIA
I missed my period.
ELAINE
Oh my god.
CYNTHIA
I am very worried, I am never late.
ELAINE
But he used a condom, right?
CYNTHIA
I know, but these things aren't always
foolproof.
ELAINE
Oh no.
CYNTHIA
What?
ELAINE
Was it blue?
CYNTHIA
Yeah. How'd you know?
ELAINE
Just a hunch.
Jerry is in his apartment trying to open a bottle of soda.
JERRY
Ow! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist
off!
Elaine walks in and give him a funny look.
JERRY
Oh, hi. Soda?
ELAINE
No thanks.
JERRY
So tell me. What's the problem with
your little flaky friend? She
doesn't return calls?
ELAINE
Who are you to talk about her like that?
She'll call him when she's
good and ready. You don't even know her.
JERRY
Oh, I know her. I know her type.
ELAINE
Her type? What type?
JERRY
The type that doesn't return phone calls.
I knew we shouldn't have done
this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you!
ELAINE
You told me? You pushed this whole thing
on me, it was your idea!
JERRY
I was just trying to help your bitter,
twisted friend.
ELAINE
She's not bitter!
JERRY
Well, bitter's a judgement call, but
she's twisted!
ELAINE
Twisted? God, I did you a favor.
JERRY
I thought you said they had a good time,
is there anything else you're
keeping from me?
ELAINE
Are you calling me a liar?
JERRY
I'm calling you one if you are one,
are you a liar?
ELAINE
Are you?
JERRY
Get your finger out of my face.
ELAINE
You get yours out, I was here first!
JERRY
I don't care.
ELAINE
Get it out!
Kramer walks in just as this argument begins to turn into a slap
fight, and gets
in the middle.
KRAMER
Hey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it!
Come on, break it up! What's the
matter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with
each other? I
mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around
out there looking
for something that's not even there, when everything that you
dream of is right
here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that?
By the way,
when you see George give him these, these'll work.
ELAINE
I knew those condoms were defective!
JERRY
How did you know they were defective?!
George walks in.
ELAINE
Because! Because she missed her period!
GEORGE
She missed her period? Oh my god. I
can't believe it! I'm a father!
I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!
George rushes out, hysterical.
Elaine and Cynthia are at a restaurant.
CYNTHIA
So he shows up. He's all out of breath.
He's disheveled. And he
tells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine
with him and
that I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support
me in whatever
way I need. Elaine, I was speechless.
ELAINE
Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know
somebody.
CYNTHIA
I said to him, "I really appreciate
this, but I just got my period."
And so, I asked him to come in, he came in--
George and Jerry walk up, Jerry is limping.
ELAINE
Hi!
GEORGE
Sorry, we're a little late. We got so
hung up in traffic.
ELAINE
What happened?
JERRY
Acting.
ELAINE
Very mature.
JERRY
Thank you. Hi Cynthia.
CYNTHIA
Hi.
JERRY
Well this is a great place to sit you
got here.
CYNTHIA
Best seat in the house. (Looking at
George) right next to the
kitchen.
GEORGE
Stop it, stop it.
JERRY
So what are these?
ELAINE
Oh, we ordered some appetizers. Start
eating.
George stars eating like a slob, Cynthia looks at him funny.
You get the idea
that the relationship has just ended.
GEORGE
This is good. Oh, this is good.
(Comedy club)
Have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought
they would
have a good time. And a little power trip for you, isn't it?
Now, you're
playing god. Of course god was the first person to fix people
up. He fixed up
Adam and Eve. You know, I'm sure he said to Adam, "She's nice.
She's very free
about her body, doesn't really wear that much. She was going
out with a snake, I think that's over though."
THE END
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