THE HAMPTONS
Written by
Peter Mehlman & Carol Leifer
(Comedy club)
Look at the work people do to get to the ocean.
They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the
hot sand.
Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the
ocean doesn't
even want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is the
ocean
throwing us out of itself, you see? We keep trying to paddle
in, the
ocean's saying, "No you don't." The ocean is like a nightclub
and the
waves are bouncers tossin' us out. The undertow's like a really
mean
bouncer. Instead of throwin' you out, they take you in back and
rough you
up a little bit. "Oh, you wanna come in? How 'bout comin' in
like 25
miles?"
back seat.
KRAMER
All right, get off at the next exit.
JERRY
Kramer, I've driven to the Hamptons
many times, I know the exit.
KRAMER
It's a great house, pool's something?
Yeah, I'll be there.
JERRY
(To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the
right move?
ELAINE
We gotta see the new baby anyway, at
least we'll get a weekend in
the Hamptons out of it.
JERRY
Didn't they just have a baby?
ELAINE
That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree,
you gotta see the
Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'
JERRY
Is it possible they're just having babies
to get people to visit
them?
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
Put that on the top of your list.
JERRY
No, not for me. A little too delightful.
Well, George and Jane
should be almost there by now.
ELAINE
Oh, isn't that weird that George and
Jane haven't had sex yet, but
they're spending the weekend together?
JERRY
I know, George is pretty pleased about
it. It's like she signed a
letter of intent.
ELAINE
When's Rachel comin' out?
JERRY
She's makin' the three o'clock train.
ELAINE
Her father is so religious, I'm just
amazed that he's letting you
see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.
JERRY
I bought him some kishka.
KRAMER
What's that?
JERRY
It's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli
soldiers carry it. In
case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it
kills them.
GEORGE
I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't
love.
JANE
Me too. I love cough medicine.
GEORGE
You see? We were made for each other.
(Thinking to himself) It's
amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd
scream and
throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch
it all I
want.
JANE
What's your favorite?
GEORGE
Potussan. Ever try it with club soda?
JANE
No.
GEORGE
Oh, very refreshing. (Thinking again)
Sex is like joining a
private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the
no
trespassing sign will be gone.
JANE
Are we almost there?
GEORGE
Yeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But
I have to stop at a
vegetable stand.
JANE
What for?
GEORGE
My mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's
nuts for Hampton tomatoes.
JANE
Can you buy 'em later? I really wanna
get some... sun.
KRAMER
Hey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.
JERRY
Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?
KRAMER
Come on, I'll rub some on yours.
JERRY
No, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No.
GEORGE
(To Jane) You know, when I was a kid,
I once found a dollar and
fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool.
JANE
(No feeling in her voice) You must've
been excited.
GEORGE
Yeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get
these tomatoes. You wanna go
for a ride?
JANE
I don't think so.
GEORGE
'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody
want some tomatoes?
JERRY
No thanks.
KRAMER
No. (George leaves for the tomatoes)
JANE
I'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for
beach, Elaine enters
with a shady hat on)
JERRY
And then there's Mog. (She sits down
next to Jerry)
ELAINE
Look at my face, look at it. You see
any lines?
JERRY
No lines.
ELAINE
You know why? One word: shade.
JERRY
So when're we gonna see this baby? When
is the momentous event?
ELAINE
I don't know. They're takin' a nap or
something.
KRAMER
I'm gonna go see if there are any girls
on the beach. Elaine, you
wanna come?
ELAINE
(Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty
of girlfriends.
JERRY
(Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Jane's topless. (They all look)
KRAMER
Yo yo ma.
JERRY
Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
ELAINE
Nice rack. (Carol and Michael inside
open back door)
CAROL
Come on, you guys. You can come on and
see the bay-bee!
JERRY
Oh, in a minute, Carol.
KRAMER
We're gonna be right there.
JERRY
This is weird wild stuff. George hasn't
even seen her yet.
ELAINE
Why do you think we're getting the sneak
preview?
KRAMER
Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.
ELAINE
What?
KRAMER
You know, get some good word of mouth
goin'.
JERRY
Oh, here she comes. (They pretend to
not have watched as Jane
enters)
JANE
I'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink?
JERRY
No thanks.
ELAINE
I'm good.
KRAMER
Deh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right,
show's over. I'm goin'
to the beach.
not far behind.
CAROL
Adam (the baby's name), Jerry and Elaine
are here.
ELAINE
Oh, he's a cute little shnugly baby.
CAROL
Isn't he gorgeous? (Elaine looks at
baby, only to be frightened
and turn away)
ELAINE
Ugghh.
CAROL
Is she gorgeous? (Elaine + Jerry looking
away)
ELAINE
Oh, gorgeous, yes.
JERRY
So very gorgeous.
CAROL
Michael, shut the door! You're letting
bugs in.
then seeing a rope leading to something he doesn't know of yet.
room.
JERRY
Is it me or was that the ugliest baby
you have ever seen?
ELAINE
Uh, I couldn't look. It was like the
Pekinese.
JERRY
Boy, a little too much chlorine in that
gene pool. (They sit)
And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's
ever gonna
tell them.
ELAINE
Oh, you have to lie.
JERRY
It's a must lie situation.
ELAINE
Yes, it's a must lie situation.
JERRY
You know, I don't think we should tell
George we saw Jane topless.
ELAINE
No, I don't think so.
JERRY
You know, we might want to tell Kramer.
BEN
Oh this ointment should do it.
CAROL
How are you feeling, Adam? (She sees
Elaine in the hall) Elaine!
(Elaine enters) This is our pediatrician, Ben Feffa.
ELAINE
Hi.
CAROL
Look at him, Elaine. How gorgeous is
he? I ask you, how gorgeous?
ELAINE
(Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous.
BEN
Elaine, you have children?
ELAINE
Me? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby,
I mean, I can't wait to
have a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby.
BEN
A beautiful woman like you should. You're
quite
breathtaking.
ELAINE
Breathtaking? I'm breathtaking?
CAROL
And he's very particular. Ben, you're
staying tonight, right?
BEN
Sure. (Elaine celebrates to herself
as Jerry enters and
quickly looks away from the baby)
JERRY
Ah, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the
station.
ELAINE
Yeah, see ya.
JERRY
Okay. (He leaves)
CAROL
Oh, just look at him!
BEN
Yeah, he really is breathtaking. (Elaine
confused by his
comment)
RACHEL
Train was so crowded. I had to sit in
the seat facing the wrong
way.
JERRY
Oh I like that. It's like going back
in time. (George comes
outside)
GEORGE
Hey Rachel!
RACHEL
(Quickly gets out of seat) Hi. I'm gonna
go in there to change.
(She leaves)
GEORGE
What kind of a greeting was that?
JERRY
She's got greeting problems.
GEORGE
Yeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know,
you can eat 'em like
apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never took on as a hand
fruit.
JERRY
Well, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful
with the ketchup
and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters
with a box of
lobster)
KRAMER
Hey, hey, hey! Look at what I got!
GEORGE
Hey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into
the kitchen inside)
JERRY
You got lobster for everybody?
KRAMER
Yeah, and they're fresh! Right out of
the ocean.
GEORGE
This is fantastic. Man, what a weekend.
Swimming, lobster for
dinner...
KRAMER
I know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless.
(Jerry shows that
'damn' expression behind George)
GEORGE
You saw who, what?
KRAMER
Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all
saw her.
JERRY
(Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless)
All right.
GEORGE
You saw Jane topless?
JERRY
Well, when you went for the tomatoes
she lied out topless.
GEORGE
Oh you mean face down on her chest.
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Face up on her back?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Well why'd she do that?
KRAMER
I guess she was hot.
GEORGE
You mean she just laid there topless?
KRAMER
No, no, she got up, walked around...
GEORGE
Walked around? And you looked?
KRAMER
Of course. She's got a great body, buddy.
All right, I'm gonna go
upstairs, I'll be right back.
GEORGE
I can't believe it, you saw her before
me.
JERRY
Think of me as a doctor. (They go outside
again)
GEORGE
Well, how good a look did you get?
JERRY
Well what'd you mean?
GEORGE
Well, if she was a criminal and you
had to describe her to a police
sketch artist...
JERRY
They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
GEORGE
Great, great. So anytime you want you
can just visualize her
naked.
JERRY
I guess that's true...
GEORGE
Stop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's
not fair. I don't like
this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.
JERRY
What do you want me to do? You wanna
see Rachel naked?
GEORGE
Yes, yes! The punishment should fit
the crime.
JERRY
You can see me naked. I can offer you
that.
GEORGE
It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn
around for a sip of Tang and
you jump out first.
ELAINE
Nobody ever called me breathtaking before.
JERRY
I've never been called breathtaking
either.
ELAINE
I mean, if he thinks that that baby's
breathtaking, then who's not
breathtaking?
JERRY
Maybe he just said it because the mother
was in the room.
ELAINE
Yeah, right, that's a possibility. I
have to find out.
JERRY
How are you gonna do that?
ELAINE
I can be very clever.
RACHEL
I'm gonna take a swim.
ELAINE
Oh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She
goes in the hall and sees
George) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed.
GEORGE
Oh, okay. (Starts to walk other way
and then walks to their room
and goes in)
RACHEL
Hey!
GEORGE
Oh, sorry.
RACHEL
Don't you knock?
GEORGE
I'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna
see something I've never
seen before.
JERRY
You might have.
GEORGE
I didn't.
JERRY
You won't.
RACHEL
What'd you want anyway, George?
JERRY
Yes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself.
What is it what you
want?
GEORGE
No, I was just wondering... if you guys,
uh, had any gum.
JERRY
Oh! So you were swimming in the pool,
and you wanted some gum.
GEORGE
Yes, because the water was cold... and
the chewing warms me up.
RACHEL
We don't have any gum.
GEORGE
Okay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues
to chew as he exits)
RACHEL
Strange man.
JERRY
Wait'll you get to know him.
RACHEL
So where is this baby, anyway?
JERRY
Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've
never seen anything quite so
objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel
walks
down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)
RACHEL
(She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry,
I thought this was the baby's
room. I'm really sorry. (She exits)
GEORGE
I was in the pool! I was in the pool!
GEORGE
Did she do it on purpose?
JERRY
It was my fault, I told her the wrong
door.
GEORGE
I was supposed to see her. She wasn't
supposed to see me.
JERRY
So what?
GEORGE
Well ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...
JERRY
But...
GEORGE
Well I just got back from swimming in
the pool. And the water was
cold...
JERRY
Oh... You mean... shrinkage.
GEORGE
Yes. Significant shrinkage!
JERRY
So you feel you were short changed.
GEORGE
Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me
she's under a complete
misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.
JERRY
Well, so what's the difference?
GEORGE
What if she discusses it with Jane?
JERRY
Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
GEORGE
How do you know?
JERRY
Women aren't like us.
GEORGE
They're worse! They're much worse than
us, they talk about
everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage
factor?
JERRY
No, I'm not gonna tell her about your
shrinkage. Besides, I think
women know about shrinkage.
GEORGE
How do women know about shrinkage? (They
see Elaine walking down
the hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage?
ELAINE
What do you mean, like laundry?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
ELAINE
It shrinks?
JERRY
Like a frightened turtle!
ELAINE
Why does it shrink?
GEORGE
It just does.
ELAINE
I don't know how you guys walk around
with those things.
MICHAEL
Thanks for the lobster, Kramer.
KRAMER
Rachel, aren't you gonna have any?
RACHEL
Oh, no, I can't. I'm kosher, we don't
eat shellfish.
KRAMER
You mean you've never tasted lobster?
RACHEL
No.
KRAMER
Wow. You're so pious. I really respect
that. You know when you
die, you're gonna get some special attention.
CAROL
Oh, the baby's crying. I'll go get him.
He can sit with us.
ELAINE + JERRY
No!
JERRY
No, you don't wanna do that. You'll
be uncomfortable.
ELAINE
Yeah, finish eating. The baby's not
gonna have any fun over here.
We're not fun for a baby.
JERRY
Yeah, the lobster'll scare him.
CAROL
I'm gonna get him.
GEORGE
See, look at this. Rachel, my T-shirt
shrunk. It used to be much
bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It
shrinks
things.
ELAINE
Really? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel
whispers in Jane's
ear, which prompts Jane to laugh)
GEORGE
What're you doing? What're you, telling
secrets? What're you
laughing at?
JANE
It's nothing, George.
GEORGE
You know, it's very impolite to tell
secrets. Are you talking
about me?
JANE
What is it with you?
JERRY
(To George) Easy big fella.
MICHAEL
So Kramer, where'd you get all these
lobster, at the
Fleesher's Market?
KRAMER
No, I got 'em in the ocean.
MICHAEL
The ocean? What'd you mean?
KRAMER
Well, I found this rope and I kept tugging
on it, and all these
lobsters came up.
MICHAEL
Those are commercial lobster traps.
You can't take those
lobsters from there. That's against the law.
KRAMER
Take it easy. There's plenty of lobsters
in the ocean for
everyone.
MICHAEL
My father was a lobsterman. He got up
every morning at
four and came home every night stinking of brine. He sent me
through law
school with the lobsters he caught! (Kramer stands up from table)
CAROL
(Entering with baby) Here he is.
KRAMER
Ahhh! (Falls to floor as he sees the
baby)
ELAINE
Some night, huh?
BEN
Yeah, I wish I had my telescope.
ELAINE
Some dinner, huh?
BEN
Nothing like fresh caught lobster.
ELAINE
Some house, huh?
BEN
It was built by Mark Farman.
ELAINE
Some ugly baby, huh?
BEN
What did you say?
ELAINE
I said, uh, some snuggly baby.
BEN
He is something.
ELAINE
Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa,
I , I was surprised to hear
you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean,
because you
also used it referring to me.
BEN
Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you
say things just to be
nice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was
being nice to
her or to the baby)
JERRY
You told her?
RACHEL
Yeah, what's the big deal?
JERRY
You don't understand. This organ, it's
very... schizophrenic.
RACHEL
Jerry, what the difference? You know,
you're the ones obsessed
with this stuff, not us. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane.
GEORGE
You're going back to New York now?
JANE
Yeah, I have some things to do.
GEORGE
Uh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to
your little friend Rachel,
that's what I think.
JANE
So what if I did?
GEORGE
And she didn't say something to you
about a certain something?
JANE
I don't know what you're talking about.
GEORGE
*I* think that *you* think that a certain
*something* is not all
that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should*
be, and
*more*!
JANE
I'm sure it is.
GEORGE
Look, you don't understand. There was
shrinkage.
fridge and Kramer lights up a cigar.
KRAMER
Looking for this? (Holding up lobster)
RACHEL
Oh, Kramer! You startled me.
KRAMER
Well, I thought you might wind up around
here.
RACHEL
Yeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking
about how everyone was
enjoying the lobster so much. I thought I little taste wouldn't
hurt, huh?
KRAMER
I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
RACHEL
Why not?
KRAMER
Well, that wouldn't be kosher.
RACHEL
C'mon, Kramer. I really want to try
it.
KRAMER
Nah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.
RACHEL
Come on, Kramer.
KRAMER
Heyahhh!
RACHEL
I just heard a car drive out. What was
that?
JERRY
Oh, that's just Jane driving home to
New York in the middle of the
night. (Rachel shocked)
CAROL
George, thanks so much for making breakfast.
ELAINE
George, these are the best scrambled
eggs I've ever tasted.
KRAMER
I didn't know you could cook.
GEORGE
Well, I'm just expressing my gratitude
to our gracious host.
BEN
Yes, George, the whole breakfast is
breathtaking. (Rachel
and Jerry enter)
RACHEL
Good morning.
ALL
Hey, hey.
RACHEL
Kramer, I just want to thank you again
for last night, you really
saved me.
MICHAEL
What happened?
RACHEL
Well, I almost tried the lobster, but
Kramer stopped me.
KRAMER
You'd regret it for the rest of your
life.
RACHEL
You're right, I would have.
JERRY
(Referring to George) Hey, look at this
guy.
GEORGE
A little breakfast.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
(To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right?
RACHEL
Yes, I do, thanks.
JERRY
Geez, these are delicious. Where did
you learn to make eggs like
this?
RACHEL
Umm... This is so good.
GEORGE
Ah, enjoying them?
RACHEL
Mm-hmm.
GEORGE
Uh, good. You know, you might wanna
try eating it with one of
these. (Holds up lobster bib)
RACHEL
There's lobster in these eggs?
GEORGE
Not that much. You know, they tend to
shrink in the water.
(Rachel storms out of room)
JERRY
Well, I guess I gotta go, too.
ELAINE
Well, this has turned out to be one
*helluva* weekend. (Policeman
knocks on door, Michael answers)
MICHAEL
Excuse me?
POLICE
I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying
to track down a lobster
poacher that cleaned out on of the traps.
KRAMER
Wonder what's goin' on.
GEORGE
Ah, I guess I should go up and apologize.
MICHAEL
There he is, officer. (Michael points
to Kramer, Kramer
waves to policeman)
RACHEL
Ahh! Don't you ever knock?
GEORGE
I don't know why Rachel had to drive
back with Michael to town.
ELAINE
Hey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't
want to ride back in the same
car with you either.
JERRY
I still can't believe Michael finked
on Kramer.
ELAINE
How is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar
fine?
JERRY
They got some sort of program.
officer. Back to the car.
GEORGE
Hey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop,
I can get some more.
JERRY
Hey, isn't that Michael's car?
ELAINE
There's Rachel.
GEORGE
Where? (He looks out window and gets
hit by a tomato)
THE END
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