THE LABEL MAKER
Written by
Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer
(Comedy club)
Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because
the players
are always changing, the team can move to another city, you're
actually rooting
for the clothes when you get right down to it. You know what
I mean, you are
standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the
clothes from
another city. Fans will be so in love with a player but if he
goes to another
team, they boo him. This is the same human being in a different
shirt, they
*hate* him now. Boo! different shirt!! Boo.
Jerry and George are at a hot dog vendor's cart.
JERRY
You sure you don't want the tickets?
GEORGE
No thanks.
JERRY
I can't believe I'm having trouble getting
rid of Super Bowl tickets.
GEORGE
I'm telling you, skip the Drake's wedding,
go to the game.
JERRY
I can't, the Drake put me in the wedding
party.
GEORGE
Well who schedules his wedding on Super
Bowl Sunday?
JERRY
Maybe he didn't know?
GEORGE
Lemme see. I can't believe you got
these for free. (Looking at the
tickets) Row F?!
JERRY
Row F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing
with the Ds and Es.
GEORGE
Howbout Kramer or Elaine, they don't
want them?
JERRY
I asked. Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's
only interested in Canadian
football.
GEORGE
Wish I could help you.
JERRY
Come on, take them. You could take
Bonnie.
GEORGE
You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami?
JERRY
What do you think?
GEORGE
So in order to use these, I gotta spend
like fifteen-hundred bucks.
This is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars. Plus, she'd ask
about the sleeping
arrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is
depressing.
JERRY
Yeah, sleeping arrangements. So, you
haven't, uh...
GEORGE
Oh, no no no, I haven't even seen her
apartment yet. Tomorrow night's
the first night.
JERRY
Aah.
GEORGE
Hey, is that Tim Whatley?
JERRY
The Dentist?
GEORGE
Yeah, is he still mad at you for crashing
his Thanksgiving party?
JERRY
Oh, no. I explained the whole thing
to him, he was fine with it.
GEORGE
Oh good.
JERRY
Yeah, I blamed it on you. Hi Tim.
TIM
Hey Jerry! George. What are you up
to?
JERRY
Ah, just a couple of gals out on the
town, shopping and gabbing.
GEORGE
I'm getting a makeover.
JERRY
Hey. How would you like to go to the
Super Bowl?
TIM
What, are you kidding?
JERRY
Here. Two tickets. Have a good time.
TIM
How can I think you? I'll tell you
what, I'll take you to dinner
sometime. You ever been to Mendys?
JERRY
No no no. No dinner.
Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.
JERRY
Tim, you didn't have to get me a thank
you gift. I know, it's a label
maker. The Label Baby Junior. Yeah, I hear they're good. Well,
label me
thankful. Okay, well you enjoy those tickets. Buh-bye.
Jerry hangs up, there's a pounding on the door.
JERRY
Come in.
More pounding. Jerry opens the door and Kramer backs in carrying
a board game.
KRAMER
Where can I put this?
JERRY
What is it?
KRAMER
It's Risk, Jerry. The game of world
conquest. (brushing newspapers off
the table with his foot and setting the game board down) Alright,
that's
perfect.
Newman walks in.
JERRY
Kramer, why do you have to (noticing
Newman) Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry. Will he take it? I gotta
go to work.
JERRY
Take what?
KRAMER
The board, Jerry. We've been playing
at Newman's for six hours but
he's gotta go.
JERRY
So why don't you leave it at Newman's?
NEWMAN
I wanted to, he won't let me.
KRAMER
We have to put the board in a neutral
place where no one will tamper
with it.
JERRY
So that's here?
KRAMER
Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.
JERRY
I don't wanna be Switzerland.
KRAMER
Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in a
epic struggle for world
domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted.
NEWMAN
Don't look at me.
KRAMER
Oh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy.
JERRY
Alright, soldier boys, let's fall out.
KRAMER
Alright, so you're gonna look after
it?
JERRY
Yeah, yeah.
KRAMER
Stay strong buddy.
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Watch it good.
JERRY
Ok.
Kramer leaves, Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
ELAINE
Hey. Oh, is that a label maker?
JERRY
Yes it is. I got it as a gift, it's
a Label Baby Junior.
ELAINE
Love the Label Baby, baby. You know
those things make great gifts, I
just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.
JERRY
Tim Whatley?
ELAINE
Yeah. Who sent you that one?
JERRY
One Tim Whatley!
Elaine. No, my Tim Whatley?
JERRY
The same, he sent it as a thank you
for my Super Bowl tickets.
ELAINE
I think this is the same one I gave
him. He recycled this gift. He's
a regifter!
JERRY
Or maybe he liked your gift so much,
he decided to get me the same
thing. Perhaps it's an homage.
ELAINE
Yeah, perhaps.
JERRY
Well how did he react when you gave
it to him?
ELAINE
Um, he said, "Oh. A label maker. Howbout
that?"
JERRY
He repeated the name of the gift?
ELAINE
Yeah, so?
JERRY
Oh, well, if you repeat the name of
the gift, you can't possibly like
it.
ELAINE
What do you mean?
JERRY
Oh, you know, like when someone opens
something up and they go, "Oh.
Tube socks." What are you gonna do about it?
ELAINE
I don't know, I guess I'll just get
invited up to his apartment and see
if he's got a label maker.
JERRY
Why'd you get him a gift anyway?
ELAINE
Oh, he did some dental work for me and
he didn't charge me so I thought
I'd get him a Christmas present.
JERRY
Yeah, well, if you're getting him anything
for his birthday, I'm a
large.
George and his girlfriend, Bonnie, are entering her apartment.
BONNIE
Well, here we are. This is the place.
GEORGE
Wow.
BONNIE
Do you like it?
GEORGE
I love it! This is fantastic! Look
at this couch, is this velvet?!
BONNIE
Are you a velvet fan?
GEORGE
A fan? I would drape myself in velvet
if it were socially acceptable.
And look at this, hardwood floors!
BONNIE
Aren't they great? (sees a man enter
from the bedroom) Oh, Scott, hi.
This is George. George, this is Scott, my roommate.
Scott walks into the kitchen.
GEORGE
Heh heh.
BONNIE
Here, check out this view. If you lean
out this window, you can see
the river.
Scott returns from the kitchen eating an apple, and heads back
to the bedroom.
GEORGE
So Scott's your roommate, huh?
BONNIE
Yes. Oh, I'm sure I've mentioned him.
GEORGE
No, you didn't mention it.
BONNIE
He's a great guy, you'll really like
him.
GEORGE
I'm sure I will.
George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.
JERRY
Male roommate, huh?
GEORGE
Yes. A male roommate.
JERRY
Is this a problem?
GEORGE
It's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest
part about having sex with a
woman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already
got that.
JERRY
Well, maybe he's --
GEORGE
No. Believe me, he's not.
JERRY
So he's an eligible receiver.
GEORGE
She's confiding in him about our dates.
You always like the person you
talk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter
of time till they
realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.'
JERRY
What's stopping them?
GEORGE
Exactly! You know how they get animals
to reproduce in captivity?
They just put them in the same cage.
JERRY
What does he look like?
GEORGE
Oh, that's the worst part of it. He
looks just like me.
JERRY
He looks like you and he's working from
the inside?
GEORGE
I look like me and I'm working from
the outside. Who do you think is
in the better position?
JERRY
Not you.
GEORGE
Ho ho. This bizarre ?harrod? experiment
must end!
JERRY
We'll take a check please.
GEORGE
I gotta find a way to work this out,
I love that apartment. It's so
cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet. You know, if it were socially
acceptable--
JERRY
I know, you would drape yourself in
velvet.
GEORGE
I've said that before?
JERRY
Many times. You love velvet, you want
to live in velvet, everything
with the velvet.
KRAMER
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Guess what? I saw Newman talking to
the super.
JERRY
So what?
KRAMER
The super has keys to your apartment.
Don't you see what's going on?
Newman is planning a sneak attack.
JERRY
Oh, maybe he's got no hot water.
KRAMER
Yeah, alright, fine. You sit there
and you watch while Newman takes
over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know
who's gonna
suffer? The little people; you and George.
JERRY
Are you through?
KRAMER
Oh. I talked to Arthur Jobanian. Yeah,
the Drake's wedding? That's
off.
JERRY
The wedding is off? What happened?
KRAMER
The Drake, he found out that the wedding
is on the same day as the
Super Bowl. So he wanted to postpone it, they got in a big argument
and *phlf*
it's over.
Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE
The wedding is off. Now you can go
to the Super Bowl.
JERRY
I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for
the tickets back.
GEORGE
You just gave them to him two days ago,
he's gotta give you a grace
period.
JERRY
Are you even vaguely familiar with the
concept of giving? There's no
grace period.
GEORGE
Well, didn't he regift the label maker?
JERRY
Possibly.
GEORGE
Well, if he can regift, why can't you
degift?
JERRY
You may have a point.
GEORGE
I have a point, I have a point.
JERRY
Alright, I'll call him.
GEORGE
Yeah. What's that?
JERRY
Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world
domination being played by two guys
who can barely run their own lives. (Picks up phone and dials)
Hello Tim?
Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld, remember those tickets I gave
you? Well it turns
out I can use them. Oh, you do? I understand. Okay. Bye.
He already made
plans, he can't change them.
GEORGE
Well they're his tickets, he can do
what he wants
with them.
JERRY
Thanks.
GEORGE
Alright, I gotta go. I'm heading over
to Bonnie's.
JERRY
What are you gonna do about the roommate?
GEORGE
I gotta try and find a way to switch
places with him. It's like a
Sigfried and Roy trick.
JERRY
Well, the pickle breath is a good start.
George leaves, Newman enters, or would except Jerry tries slamming
the door on
him.
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry, may I come in?
JERRY
What do you want?
NEWMAN
Nothing, just being
neighborly. Do you wanna hang out? Shoot the breeze?
JERRY
I'm not letting you cheat, Newman.
You're not getting anywhere near
that board.
NEWMAN
Jerry? I'm a little insulted.
JERRY
You're not a little anything, Newman.
So just pack it up and move it
out of here.
NEWMAN
Oh, by the way, what are you doing for
the Super Bowl?
JERRY
I dunno, watch it on TV I guess. Why?
NEWMAN
Well if you watch closely enough, you
just might see me. I'll be the
one waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line.
JERRY
You're going to the Super Bowl?
NEWMAN
Yes I am, a guy on my mail route just
got a couple of tickets and he
offered one to me.
JERRY
What's his name?
NEWMAN
Tim Whatley.
JERRY
That's my ticket!
NEWMAN
Is it?! Ohhh, well if only you'd known,
you could have saved some time
and given it directly to me! Ha ha ha.
JERRY
Newman!
George and Bonnie are at Bonnie's
GEORGE
What a movie. Good choice.
BONNIE
Thank Scott. He recommended it.
GEORGE
Oh, Scott, Scott. He's really great,
isn't he?
BONNIE
Yes he is.
GEORGE
Yes he is. Let me ask you something.
When you come out of the shower
and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you
concerned about
that?
BONNIE
George?
GEORGE
Do you hold the neck together with one
hand, or are you just letting it
flap in the breeze?
BONNIE
George, you're being ridiculous.
GEORGE
What's the massage situation?
BONNIE
What do you mean?
GEORGE
Is there any work being done? Is there
any rubbing, touching, finger
manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the
request?
BONNIE
George, would you just stop?
GEORGE
Say you go to the bathroom at two o'clock
in the morning, what's the
outfit? I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are?
BONNIE
George, what is wrong with you?
GEORGE
I'll tell you what's wrong, a grown
woman with a male roommate! It's
unnatural, it's an abomination!
Scott enters.
SCOTT
Hey!
GEORGE
Hey!
SCOTT
How ya going?
GEORGE
I'm good.
SCOTT
Are you gonna need the bathroom? 'Cause
I'm gonna jump in
the shower.
BONNIE
No, just throw my bras out of the way.
Elaine and Tim Whatley are walking together on the street.
TIM
Well, this is my building.
ELAINE
Yes it is.
TIM
This was fun, you know?
ELAINE
Yeah.
TIM
So, I'll call.
ELAINE
Aren't you gonna invite me upstairs?
TIM
Upstairs? You wanna go upstairs?
ELAINE
I would love to go upstairs.
TIM
Elaine, you are something else. No
one can ever put a label on you, huh?
ELAINE
We'll see.
Jerry and George are at their booth in the coffee shop.
JERRY
Newman. He's going with Newman.
GEORGE
How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?
JERRY
Newman's his mailman.
GEORGE
Who goes to the Super Bowl with their
mailman?!
JERRY
Who goes *anywhere* with Newman?!
GEORGE
Well, he's merry.
JERRY
He is merry, I'll give him that. (notices
a cactus on the table)
What's this plant for?
GEORGE
I had a little tiff with Bonnie about
the roommate.
JERRY
Oh, well the cactus will smooth things
over.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Hey, guess what? I'm going to the Super
Bowl with Tim Whatley.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
We went out for coffee last night and
he offered me a ticket.
JERRY
What about the label maker?
ELAINE
Ah, well.
JERRY
Wait a minute, that's my ticket! You
didn't even want to go.
ELAINE
It was totally out of the blue. We
went upstairs to his apartment, you
know, to look for the label maker.
JERRY
So, how did you get up there? Did you
say you had to use the bathroom?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
Then how'd you get up there?
ELAINE
I said, "Do you wanna go upstairs?"
GEORGE
And there's you ticket.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
That's why you're going to the Super
Bowl.
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
You go out with a guy one time, you
ask him to go upstairs like you're
Mae West? Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the
weekend.
ELAINE
You mean just because I asked him to
go upstairs, he thinks he's going
downtown?
JERRY
Obviously.
ELAINE
You're crazy.
GEORGE
Well, what happened when you got upstairs?
ELAINE
As soon as we walked in, he got a call
from one of his patients with an
impacted molar or something so he had to leave. I didn't even
get a chance to
look for the label maker.
JERRY
Yeah, well I don't trust this guy.
I think he regifted, he degifted,
and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super
Bowl sex romp.
Jerry is in the hallway approaching his apartment door. Kramer
walks out of his
apartment.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey. What are you doing?
KRAMER
I'm watching your door.
JERRY
My door?
KRAMER
Yeah, from my peephole. Fisheye, sees
all.
Cut to the interior of Jerry's apartment. Newman sneaks out
from the bedroom
towards the table where the Risk board is sitting. He accidentally
knocks some
CDs off the shelving unit, making a lot of noise.
JERRY
What was that?
KRAMER
Newman!
Jerry begins opening the door, Newman does not have enough time
to change the
board pieces.
NEWMAN
Damn!
JERRY
The bedroom!
Jerry runs to the bedroom, catching a glimpse of Newman climbing
out the open
window and up the fire escape. Jerry and Kramer rush to the
window.
JERRY
I see you, Newman! I see you!
KRAMER
I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!
Elaine and Tim Whatley are sharing a cab.
ELAINE
I've got a confession to make.
TIM
Oh? What's that?
ELAINE
I've got Super Bowl fever.
TIM
Oh yeah, me too.
ELAINE
So where are we staying?
TIM
Oh, the Ambassador.
ELAINE
Oh. Big room?
TIM
It's a regular room, but it's right
downtown.
ELAINE
Downtown?
TIM
Right downtown.
ELAINE
What do they have there, a couple of
beds?
TIM
Why? You bringing someone else?
ELAINE
No, but don't you think there should
be two beds? There's two of us.
Tim's grin disappears.
George enters Bonnie's apartment.
BONNIE
Oh, a cactus.
GEORGE
They don't need any water, so you don't
have to keep taking them to the
bathroom.
They share a laugh. Scott enters from the back holding a cardboard
box. He
places it on a stack of similar boxes.
SCOTT
Well, look who's here.
BONNIE
I asked Scott to move out.
GEORGE
Oh. Oh!
George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Newman
are seated at the
Risk board on the living room table.
JERRY
So she kicked him out of the apartment.
GEORGE
That's right. It's just me and her.
JERRY
Wow, she rearranged her whole life for
you.
GEORGE
I guess she did. He's gone, now I'm
the man.
JERRY
That's not a good role for you.
GEORGE
No, it's not.
JERRY
You unwittingly made a major commitment.
That's a lot of pressure.
GEORGE
Oh my god.
JERRY
You wanted to be ensconced in velvet,
you're buried.
GEORGE
I had the perfect situation here, he
was shouldering half the load.
JERRY
He was shouldering.
GEORGE
I couldn't leave well enough alone?!
JERRY
Where are you going?
GEORGE
I gotta go help her tape up all his
boxes and get them ready for
shipping.
JERRY
Oh, well here. Take Whatley's label
maker, I don't want to see it
again.
GEORGE
Thanks.
KRAMER
Yeah. I am taking over South America
and there
ain't nothing you can do about it.
JERRY
So, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket,
eh Newman?
NEWMAN
Yeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric
bills don't suddenly get lost
in the mail, or it could be lights out for him.
JERRY
Thanks for having me over, guys.
Jerry and George are out on the street, Tim Whatley comes running
up.
JERRY
Alright, I'll see you later.
TIM
Hey Jerry?
JERRY
Ah, Tim Whatley. Out scalping?
TIM
Ah, see, now I've been thinking a lot
about what happened and I feel
horrible. Listen, I want to give you a ticket back.
JERRY
Are you serious, what about Elaine?
TIM
Oh, Elaine. Yeah, well, things just
didn't work out like I thought they
would.
JERRY
Oh. (notices a car being jacked up
by a tow truck) Hey, isn't this
Kramer's car? (yelling up) Hey, Cosmo!! They're towing your
car!!
KRAMER
What?! Not my car!! Hey!! They're
towing my
car!!
Kramer runs out the door, leaving Newman alone with the Risk
board, but only for
a moment. He runs back in and grabs the board.
NEWMAN
What are you doing?
KRAMER
I'm taking the board with me.
Kramer runs out carrying the board, Newman follows a moment later.
Back on the street, Kramer's car is jacked up and the driver
is just taking off.
Kramer comes running after it, yelling at the driver and balancing
the game
board with Newman at his heels.
TIM
So, I guess I'll see you at the game.
JERRY
Yeah, see you there.
George walks into Bonnie's apartment, *everything* is boxed up
and Bonnie is
taping up the last of the boxes. He knocks to get her attention.
BONNIE
Hi, George.
GEORGE
What, what happened? Where's, where's
all the stuff?
BONNIE
It's gone. It was all his. Is this
a label maker?
GEORGE
The table, the stereo, the VCR, the
velvet couch, where's the velvet?
BONNIE
They were his. Besides, we don't need
any of those things. We have
each other.
Kramer and Newman are on a subway car, the Risk board sits on
their laps.
NEWMAN
Are you sure you know where the impound
yard is?
KRAMER
Oh, stop stalling. Come on.
NEWMAN
I can't think, there's all this noise.
KRAMER
Or is it because I've built a stronghold
around Greenland? I've driven
you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the
brink of complete
annihilation.
NEWMAN
I'm not beaten yet. I still have armies
in the Ukraine.
This comment perks up the ears of what appears to be a Russian
immigrant.
KRAMER
Ha ha, the Ukraine. Do you know what
the Ukraine is? It's a sitting
duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble.
I think it's
time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
UKRAINIAN
I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine
weak.
KRAMER
Yeah, well we're playing a game here,
pal.
UKRAINIAN
Ukraine is game to you?! Howbout I
take your little board and smash
it!!
The Ukrainian pounds the game board, destroying it and sending
army pieces
flying.
Tim Whatley approaches his building, Elaine is waiting at the
door.
ELAINE
Hello, Tim.
TIM
Elaine, hi.
ELAINE
Don't worry, Tim. I didn't come by
to yell at you, I didn't come by
for that at all. I just came by to pick up my label maker.
I gave you a label
maker and now I would like to have it back.
TIM
But you gave it to me.
ELAINE
But you gave me a ticket to the Super
Bowl. Hand it over, Whatley.
TIM
Uh, ok.
ELAINE
You don't have the label maker, do you?
TIM
Uh, no.
ELAINE
I knew it! You're a regifter!
TIM
Oh, yeah, some gift. That thing didn't
work at all.
ELAINE
What?
TIM
You put a label on something, then ten
minutes later it would peel right
off. It was the worst gift I ever got.
ELAINE
Well, I bought it for you because you
were so nice to
me for not charging me for the dental work. The way you worked
on my filling,
you were so, so gentle and so caring and so sensitive.
TIM
Oh, Elaine!
They embrace passionately.
First the exterior, then the interior of a mail truck. Boxes
are being jostled.
A close-up of a box labeled with "Scott Thomas" and a street
address is shown.
The labels fall off the box, one by one.
First the exterior, then the interior of a football stadium.
Jerry is walking
down the aisle.
JERRY
H... G... F. Seat four. One, two,
three... f-- Hello Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry. Tim couldn't make it,
he's in love. Isn't that
wonderful?
JERRY
Oh, it's enchanting.
George is bringing a portable TV to Bonnie's so they can watch
the game.
BONNIE
Hi.
GEORGE
Here's the TV. I know you wanted to
watch the Super Bowl. Do you at
least have some towels we could sit on? It's, like, a four hour
game.
BONNIE
George, Scott's gonna drop by. He said
he never got his boxes. I'll
get the towels.
GEORGE
How am I gonna get out of this? Think
Costanza, think!
BONNIE
Here we are.
GEORGE
Hey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had
a pretty wild idea.
BONNIE
What is it?
GEORGE
Well I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce
it or anything, but I, uh, I
believe it's Ménage à Trois?
BONNIE
What?
Just then, Scott enters.
SCOTT
Hi.
BONNIE
Scott! Remember what we talked about
the other day? George is into
it.
SCOTT
Oh really?!
Scott walks towards George, the camera moves in on a close-up
of an increasingly
horrified George, and freezes.
Jerry and Newman are at the Super Bowl.
NEWMAN
Great streak of luck I'm having. First,
Kramer almost beat me at Risk
but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super
Bowl ticket.
JERRY
Can you move over at all?!
NEWMAN
And then, just as I'm about to go, these
boxes show up at the post
office with no labels. No labels, Jerry. You know what that
means? Freebies!!
I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable.
JERRY
An inch! Can you move over an inch?!?
THE END
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