THE LITTLE JERRY
Written by
Jennifer Crittenden
(Jerry and Elaine are waiting on the street for George.)
JERRY
So what happened to you yesterday? We
were supposed to go to the auto show,
I waited for you, you never came.
ELAINE
I'm sorry, I got really busy. How long
did you wait?
JERRY
Five minutes.
ELAINE
Five minutes? That's it?
JERRY
What's the difference? You never showed
up.
ELAINE
I could've! I mean, last week we waited
for that friend of Kramer's for like,
forty minutes.
JERRY
Well, we barely knew the guy.
ELAINE
So, the longer you know someone, the
shorter you wait for 'em.
JERRY
That's the way it works.
ELAINE
When did you tell George to be here?
JERRY
I told him to meet us here in ten minutes.
How long has it been?
ELAINE
About five.
JERRY
That's enough. (They leave. George comes
around the corner.)
GEORGE
Early! Alright! (shivers.) Cold.
Commercial break.
New scene - Jerry and Kramer in a booth at the coffee shop.
KRAMER
So, I noticed you bounced a check at
the bodega.
JERRY
How did you know about that?
KRAMER
Because Marcelino, he taped it up on
his cash register with all the other
bad checks.
JERRY
He can't do that.
KRAMER
It's the only way you'll learn. (Tastes
his eggs.) Aw, these eggs are disgusting.
This chicken should be ashamed of himself.
(George enters and sits down.)
GEORGE
Fantastic day! Fantastic!
JERRY
What happened?
GEORGE
Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and
this piece of apple-skin, that must
have been lodged in there for days,
comes loose.
JERRY
Fantastic.
GEORGE
Then, I'm at The Foundation...
JERRY
You're still doing that?
GEORGE
Sometimes, once in a while.
JERRY
When you feel guilty.
GEORGE
No, occasionally I'll forget to let
the machine pick up. Anyway, they made
this large donation to a women's prison,
and I get to go down there and check
it out.
KRAMER
That's caged heat.
GEORGE
Yeah-hah!
JERRY
What are you gonna do there?
GEORGE
Nothing really, you know...just stroll
around the cell blocks, maybe take in
a shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey, you
know you got a bounced check hanging
up in the little market over on Columbus?
JERRY
Yes, I know, I know.
GEORGE
I noticed you chose the "clowns with
balloons" check design.
JERRY
It was a mistake, the bank sent me the
wrong ones.
(Elaine enters with her new boyfriend, Kurt.)
ELAINE
Hey! Look who's here! Hey Kurt, this
is Jerry, and George, and Kramer.
KRAMER
Hey, Kurt. Taste these eggs.
KURT
Uh, no - I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh.
KRAMER
Yes! These are sweatshop eggs. (Kramer
gets up to leave by climbing over the
back of the booth. He loses it and falls
on the floor, then regains his composure
and walks out with his napkin still
tucked in his collar.)
KURT
I gotta call the office. Honey, would
you order for me?
ELAINE
I'm a "honey." He's pretty great, huh?
JERRY
Is he from the future?
ELAINE
No, he just shaves his head. I think
it's pretty gutsy.
GEORGE
Listen, sweetheart, let me tell you
a little something about guts. (Points
to his head.) This is guts.
ELAINE
What? Clinging to some scraps?
GEORGE
These are not "scraps." These are historic
remains of a once great society of hair.
ELAINE
Oh, did you guys stop at the bodega
today? Some moron bounced a clown check!
JERRY
Again, I'm really sorry about the check,
Marcelino.
MARCELINO
People seem to like the clowns.
JERRY
Look, let me just give you the forty,
plus another twenty for your trouble.
MARCELINO
'Kay.
JERRY
Aren't you going to take the check down?
MARCELINO
Sorry, no. It's store policy.
JERRY
But it's your bodega.
MARCELINO
Even I am not above the policy.
(Jerry leaves while giving Marcelino a dirty look.)
New scene - George touring the women's prison with Betsy, the
"warden."
BETSY
Those are our tennis courts.
GEORGE
Tennis courts? What about the yard?
Where do they have the gang fights?
BETSY
There's no fights here, Mr. Costanza.
This is a minimum security facility.
GEORGE
Hmm. What about a hole? You ever put
anybody in "the box"?
BETSY
No.
GEORGE
This prison stinks.
BETSY
And finally, the library, which has
just been refurbished thanks to your
generous donation. This is Celia Morgan,
our librarian.
CELIA
Nice to meet you.
BETSY
I'll be in my office if you need me.
GEORGE
Thanks, Warden.
BETSY
Betsy.
GEORGE
Betsy.
CELIA
So, are you the head of the foundation?
GEORGE
Well, let's just say it wouldn't exist
without me. (Notices another person
in the library dressed the same as Celia.)
So uh, you two shop at the same store?
CELIA
No, it's standard issue.
GEORGE
Oh my God...you're in jail? (Celia nods.)
That is so cool!
New scene in Jerry's apartment later that day.
JERRY
You asked her out?
GEORGE
Well...not "out." She's in prison.
JERRY
How could you ask her out?
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
I remember when you wouldn't date that
girl who lived in Queens because you
didn't want to go over the bridge!
GEORGE
That was different!
JERRY
I'll say.
GEORGE
Jerry, I like being with her. Plus,
I know where she is all the time. I
have relatively no competition. And
you know how you live in fear of the
pop-in?
JERRY
The pop-in.
GEORGE
Yeah, no pop-in, no "in the neighborhood,"
no "I saw your light was on." And the
best part is, if things go really well...
JERRY
Conjugal visit?
GEORGE
Don't jinx it!
(Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Hey. What's up?
JERRY
George is dating a convict.
KRAMER
Oh? What's she in for?
GEORGE
Embezzlement.
KRAMER
Sounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry,
is it all right if I put some stuff
in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.
JERRY
Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge,
do you?
KRAMER
Well, not here. (Goes into the hallway,
comes back in with a huge bag of chicken
feed.)
JERRY
Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell
is that?
KRAMER
Well, it's chicken feed. (Slams the
bag into Jerry's fridge.)
JERRY
I sense something is afoot.
KRAMER
Yeah, I bought a chicken.
(Jerry is about to reply, but George interrupts.)
GEORGE
Allow me. Why?
KRAMER
Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.
(George is about to reply, but Jerry interrupts.)
JERRY
Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
New scene - Elaine's apartment at night. Elaine is about to pay
a delivery guy for some food.
KURT
Hold it, hold it, I got it. Catch. (Tosses
his wallet to Elaine, she pays the delivery
guy.)
ELAINE
Hey, driver's licence. Oh...my God.
KURT
What?
ELAINE
Your hair. It's so thick and lustrous.
I mean, it...it was.
KURT
Well, it still is. I shave my head for
my swim team. I just liked the way it
looked, so I kept it.
ELAINE
Are you saying that I could be dating
this hair? With you under it? (Kurt
shrugs.)
New scene - Jerry in bed at the crack of dawn. We hear a rooster
crowing. Jerry gets up and knocks on Kramer's door, bleary-eyed.
Kramer answers the door with a rooster under his arm.
JERRY
Is that your "chicken" making all that
noise?
KRAMER
Oh, Jerry loves the morning.
JERRY
Who?
KRAMER
Little Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken
after you.
JERRY
Thanks, that's very sweet, but that
is not a chicken.
KRAMER
Of course it is. I picked it out myself.
JERRY
Well, you picked out a rooster.
KRAMER
Well, that would explain Little Jerry's
poor egg production.
(Jerry nods and shuffles back to his place. Kramer turns Little
Jerry upside down to see if he's actually a rooster or not...)
New scene - George visiting Celia at the prison.
CELIA
This was fun.
GEORGE
Yeah. I had a great time.
GUARD
Five minutes, Mr. Costanza.
GEORGE
The whole hour just flew by. (Begins
cleaning up the table.)
GUARD
I'll get that.
GEORGE
Oh, thanks, Bobby. (To Celia) Well,
I guess I'll see you in four days.
CELIA
Go out and have a ball with the guys.
I'll be waiting right here for you.
GEORGE
Of course you will. You're the best.
New scene - Jerry's apartment, the same day. The phone rings.
JERRY
Hello?
HELEN
Jerry? Leo told us he saw your bounced
check. Are you having money problems?
JERRY
I'm not having money problems.
HELEN
Enough with the comedy! You're very
clever, you should look into advertising.
MORTY
He never even called Ed Roydlick. They
were looking for someone!
JERRY
I'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing
fine! (George enters.)
HELEN
That's it. I'm going to send you fifty
dollars.
JERRY
You are NOT sending me fifty dollars!
HELEN
We're sending you fifty dollars! Morty,
get me an envelope.
JERRY
I swear to God, if you send me fifty
dollars, you are gonna be so sorry!
MORTY
I don't see envelopes!
HELEN
They're right in front of you! Oh, for
heaven's sakes... (She puts the phone
down on the couch and goes to help Morty.)
JERRY
Ma! Ma! MA! (Hangs up the phone in disgust.)
GEORGE
How're the folks?
JERRY
Good.
GEORGE
So? Movie tonight?
JERRY
I thought you were going out with Celia.
GEORGE
I did. I'm back. I love this relationship,
I feel so liberated!
JERRY
Having her in jail.
GEORGE
The only thing that bothers me is that
I'm just coming up with this now.
JERRY
Yeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't
know how you missed it.
(Elaine enters.)
ELAINE
Here. (Shows Kurt's driver's licence
to Jerry.) Take a look at that.
JERRY
Huh. Kurt's an organ donor.
ELAINE
No! He's not bald. Look! He's got a
full head of hair. (George overhears
and stands up, concerned.)
JERRY
So he just shaves his head for no reason?
GEORGE
That's like using a wheelchair for the
fun of it!
ELAINE
And he's growing it in just for me.
(Happily) It's mine. It's all mine.
JERRY
It's just hair.
ELAINE
It's not just hair! Look! (Shows Kurt's
licence to Jerry again.)
JERRY
It's brown.
ELAINE
It's chestnut with auburn highlights!
JERRY
So?
ELAINE
You're not around women. You don't know
how important a man's hair is. (They
both look at George, who is reading
a newspaper and struggling to keep his
composure.) I'm sorry, George, but it's
true.
GEORGE
I knew it.
New scene - Kramer walking Little Jerry Seinfeld down the street
on a leash. He goes into Marcelino's.
MARCELINO
Hey, Kramer. Nice rooster. What's his
name?
KRAMER
Well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld.
MARCELINO
Little Jerry Seinfeld. Does he bounce
checks? (laughs)
KRAMER
Look, can't you take Jerry's check down?
MARCELINO
Sorry Kramer, can't help you.
(A guy walks into the bodega with his dog. The dog and Little
Jerry get into a tussle, and Little Jerry sends the dog packin.')
MARCELINO
I like the way he handles himself.
(Kramer picks Little Jerry up. He's upside down. Kramer turns
him around the right way.)
New scene - Elaine checking out Kurt's head at her apartment.
ELAINE
Oh, it's coming in already! Wow, you
have some very nice little seedlings
here. Huh...
KURT
What?
ELAINE
Well, it doesn't seem to be coming in
so good over here. Or here.
KURT
What do you mean? (Goes into the bedroom
to look in the mirror.)
ELAINE
Well, I don't know...how long have you
been shaving your head for?
KURT
About three years.
ELAINE
Huh.
KURT
Oh my God! (Steps into the doorway)
I'm going bald!
New scene - George and Celia in the prison library.
CELIA
George! I'm so glad to see you!
GEORGE
Hey, I brought you some cigarettes.
You buy yourself something nice.
CELIA
Good news - I'm up for parole.
GEORGE
Parole! (Feigning joy) That's dynamite!
New scene - Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
So Marcelino's going to take down the
check?
KRAMER
Well, it comes down if Little Jerry
Seinfeld wins the cockfight.
JERRY
Great! (realizing) What?
KRAMER
Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in
the back of his store.
JERRY
Ah ha...
KRAMER
So, he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld
wins, the check comes down.
JERRY
Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.
KRAMER
Only in The United States.
JERRY
It's inhumane!
KRAMER
No, Jerry, it's not what you think it
is.
JERRY
It's two roosters peckin' at each other!
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
Yeah!
KRAMER
Well, I thought they wore gloves and
helmets, you know, like "American Gladiators."
JERRY
No Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt.
KRAMER
Well, I left him with Marcelino!
(Jerry shrugs and holds his hands out.)
KRAMER
My Little Jerry! (Runs out.)
Commercial break.
Continuation of last scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Hey, did you get Little Jerry, is he
O.K.?
KRAMER
Well, he's more than O.K., he won!
JERRY
You let him fight?
KRAMER
I couldn't get there in time to stop
it, but you should have seen Little
Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and
struttin' his stuff! He was peckin'
and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin'
trash! He didn't even have to touch
him! The other rooster ran out of the
ring. The whole fight lasted two seconds.
JERRY
How long do they usually last?
KRAMER
Five seconds. And Marcelino says he's
taking your check down today.
JERRY
Great!
(George walks in.)
KRAMER
Hey.
GEORGE
Celia's up for parole.
KRAMER
Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight.
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
Who?
(They both look at Jerry.)
JERRY
I'm too tired.
KRAMER
O.K., listen, I want you to come by
later, alright? 'Cause we're having
a victory party for Little Jerry.
JERRY
Alright. (Kramer leaves.)
GEORGE
It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out.
JERRY
Ah, I'm so sorry.
GEORGE
She's been locked up for two years.
She's gonna want to make up for lost
time. Dinners. Movies. (Rubs his forehead.)
Talking...
JERRY
In other words, a normal relationship.
GEORGE
And that's no good. I've tried it straight,
Jerry. We've all seen the results. For
me, sick is the only way to go.
JERRY
Well, she'll still be an ex-con.
GEORGE
It's not the same.
JERRY
Hey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm
sure the cops'll pick her up on something.
New scene - Elaine meets a bummed-out Kurt at the coffee shop.
ELAINE
Kurt? What's with the sweats? Aren't
we going out?
KURT
I don't care.
ELAINE
You, uh...got a big stain on your shirt.
KURT
Yeah...meatball...fell out of my sandwich.
ELAINE
You already ate?
KURT
It's from yesterday.
New scene - Jerry and Marcelino at the bodega.
MARCELINO
Jerry! You missed a hell of a cockfight
last night.
JERRY
Then what is my check still doing up?
We had a deal!
MARCELINO
Now we have a new deal.
JERRY
New deal?
MARCELINO
When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine,
the check will be yours.
JERRY
This is outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack
of Juicy Fruit.
MARCELINO
85 cents.
JERRY
85 cents? That is outrageous!
New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Kramer, Marcelino wants us to sell him
Little Jerry Seinfeld.
KRAMER
Well, that's out of the question.
JERRY
But Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal
and immoral activity.
KRAMER
Yeah, if you got a loser. But Little
Jerry was born to cockfight!
JERRY
No, no more cockfighting. Let's just
sell him to Marcelino the cockfighter
and be done with it!
KRAMER
You know, I think you're jealous.
JERRY
Of what?
KRAMER
Yah, yah! You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld
the unlimited future you once had. Now,
just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been,
don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!
JERRY
Kramer, give me that rooster!
KRAMER
Never! You hate him because he's doing
more with your name than you ever will!
Yah-yah! (Kramer leaves.)
New scene - George in Betsy's office at the prison.
BETSY
George, Celia has listed you as a character
reference. Whatever you can tell us
would certainly be helpful in her getting
paroled.
GEORGE
Well, anything I can do to help, um...she's
a wonderful girl. Very smart. Very...crafty.
BETSY
Does she have any plans after she's
released?
GEORGE
Plans. Schemes. She keeps talking about
getting back together with her old friends
- "the gang," as she likes to call them,
you know. Yeah, they're hatching something,
you can count on that.
New scene - Marcelino at Jerry's apartment door.
MARCELINO
Jerry! Tonight's fight-night. Where's
my rooster?
JERRY
Kramer won't sell.
MARCELINO
Well, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm
gonna take down your check anyway.
JERRY
Well, thank you, Marcelino.
MARCELINO
Well, perhaps someday you will do me
a favor. And that day is today. Little
Jerry Seinfeld must go down in the third
round of tomorrow's main event.
JERRY
You want Little Jerry to take a dive?
MARCELINO
Shhh, not so loud.
JERRY
First of all, I don't think you can
make a rooster take a dive.
MARCELINO
Can, too!
JERRY
Second of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big
or little - doesn't go down for anyone,
anywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate
it if you please leave.
MARCELINO
Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry.
JERRY
We'll see about that. (Runs to the window
and shouts up to Kramer, who's on the
roof.) Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got
a cockfight to win!
KRAMER
O.K.!
New scene - Kurt at George's apartment.
KURT
Elaine said you would be the best person
I could talk to.
GEORGE
Yep. Classic horseshoe pattern. I've
seen a lot of this.
KURT
Oh, God.
GEORGE
No, no, Kurt - wrong attitude. You should
be happy now.
KURT
Happy? Why should I be happy?
GEORGE
You've still got pretty good coverage.
Once the enemy advances beyond this
perimeter - (points at Kurt's head with
a pen) - then you won't be Kurt anymore.
KURT
Who will I be?
(George points at himself. Kurt shudders.)
KURT
How long do I have?
GEORGE
14 months. Maybe 10.
KURT
Is there anything I can do?
GEORGE
Yes. Live, dammit. Live! Every precious
moment as if this was the last year
of your life. Because in many ways...it
is. (There's a knock at the door.) Excuse
me.
(George answers the door. Celia enters.)
GEORGE
Celia? What are you doing here?
CELIA
Well, I didn't get my parole, so I busted
out.
GEORGE
And you just decided to pop in...!
New scene - Kurt shows up at Elaine's apartment.
ELAINE
Kurt!
KURT
Elaine...(holds out a wedding ring)
Will you marry me? (Elaine is shocked.)
New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's kitchen, training Little
Jerry for his cockfight.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. He's lookin' good, huh Jerry?
JERRY
Yeah. Alright, I think that's enough
for today. (Kramer picks up Little Jerry
and takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry
is lean, mean, peckin' machine! (Kramer
starts filling a pot with water.) What
are you doing with that?
KRAMER
I'm just gonna heat this up. Make a
little hot-tub for Little Jerry.
JERRY
Hey, Kramer...?
(Kramer looks at Jerry.)
JERRY
Be careful. (George enters.) Hey, guess
what! Little Jerry ran from here to
Newman's in under thirty seconds!
GEORGE
Is that good?
JERRY
I don't know. Where have you been?
GEORGE
Celia broke out of prison. I'm sitting
in my home, she shows up at the door!
JERRY
Oh my God! The break-out/pop-in!
GEORGE
Yeah. Hey Jerry, listen to this. I discovered
something even better than conjugal
visit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like
everytime -
JERRY
George, this is a little too much for
me - escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I
got a cockfight to focus on. (Jerry
leaves.)
Cut back to Elaine and Kurt at Elaine's apartment.
ELAINE
Hey Kurt, slow down! I just can't marry
you, whim-bam-boom! I mean, I need some
"fiance-time," I need some "make-my-girlfriends-jealous"
time...
KURT
Plus, you want to get to know me.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, that too.
KURT
Well, how much time?
ELAINE
I don't know...a year?
KURT
No, no, no...it has to be now.
ELAINE
Could I see the ring again?
New scene - Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer at the cockfight
in back of Marcelino's store.
JERRY
So, you're actually considering it?
ELAINE
Well, it'll be a couple of years before
he's completely bald. Those'll be good
times.
JERRY
Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your
life'll totally change.
ELAINE
Jerry, it's three-thirty in the morning.
I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging
to? (George comes over.)
GEORGE
Hey, sorry I'm late.
JERRY
Where's Celia?
GEORGE
She didn't want to come, she's not really
into sports. (Kramer comes over with
Little Jerry.)
JERRY
Hey, how's he doin'?
KRAMER
He's got a big sweat going. (Takes an
envelope out of his pocket.) Oh, this
came for you express-mail. It's from
your parents.
JERRY
Fifty dollars. I don't believe this!
KRAMER
There's Marcelino. (Marcelino enters
the ring holding a huge white rooster.)
JERRY
Look at the size of his bird!
KRAMER
That looks like a dog with a glove on
his head.
New scene - Kurt at George's door. Celia answers.
KURT
Hi, is George back from the cockfight
yet? You know, I gotta thank him, he
changed my life.
CELIA
No, it must have been a good fight,
he's not back yet.
KURT
Ah, damn.
(Two detectives show up at the door behind Kurt.)
DETECTIVE #1
Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza. Well,
well, well. Look who's here.
CELIA
Aw, man!
DETECTIVE #2
Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for
aiding and abetting a known fugitive.
KURT
I'm not George Costanza.
DETECTIVE #2
Save it. We know you're bald. We know
it's you. Let's go! (They escort Kurt
and Celia out.)
Cut back to the cockfight.
ELAINE
Muchos gracias. (Turns back to Jerry
and Kramer.) O.K., I got the whole scoop.
Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador.
He's 68 and 0!
JERRY
He's a ringer!
GEORGE
Where's the tamale guy? (The bell rings,
and the cockfight begins.)
KRAMER
Little Jerry's going to get his clock
cleaned. I gotta get him outta there.
(A man at the edge of the ring drops Little Jerry in. Everything
now happens in slow-motion.)
KRAMER
Little Jerry!
JERRY
Kramer!
ELAINE
Stop the fight!
GEORGE
Tamale!
(Kramer lands in the ring and grabs ahold of Little Jerry. Marcelino's
rooster closes in. We see Jerry, George and Elaine with shocked
expressions on their faces, then hear pecking sounds and Kramer
yelping and screaming from inside the ring.)
Commercial break.
New scene - Elaine talking to Kurt in jail on a phone through
the glass.
ELAINE
Why did you get into a fist fight with
the cop? You were innocent!
KURT
They thought I was George. I'm not that
bald. I have too little time left to
take that kind of crap, so I slugged
him.
ELAINE
So, how long are you gonna be in here
for?
KURT
Well, my lawyer says 14 months, but
with good behavior, maybe...10?
ELAINE
So, 10 to 14 months.
KURT
Yeah.
(Elaine hangs up the phone, takes Kurt's ring off her finger,
drops it in the tray and leaves.)
THE END
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