THE MARINE BIOLOGIST
Written by
Ron Hauge & Charlie Rubin
(Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the
phone)
ELAINE
(to the phone) Well did he bring it
up in the meeting?
(Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine)
JERRY
Elaine, see this T-shirts, six years
I've had this T-shirts, it's my
best one, I call him...Golden Boy
ELAINE
I'm on the phone here.
JERRY
Golden Boy is always the first shirt
I wear out of the laundry, here
touch Golden Boy!
ELAINE
No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah
I'll hold.
JERRY
But see look at the collar, see it's
fraying. Golden Boy is slowly
dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes
the T-shirts such a tragic figure.
ELAINE
Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak
in the sink with some
Woolight?
JERRY
No!!! The reason he's iron man is because
he goes out there and plays
every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away
from him, you break his spirit!
(Elaine is suddenly excited)
ELAINE
(to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is!
Oh! this is so fantastic! I'm
so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm
coming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and
dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
JERRY
The guy in the gulag!
ELAINE
Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book,
and I'm working on it!
Lippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday
in a
limousine!
JERRY
You wanna barrow Golden Boy!
ELAINE
Oh! Don't you know what this means,
it's like working with Tolstoy!
JERRY
Hey ya know what I read the most unbelievable
thing about Tolstoy the
other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace"
was
"War--What Is It Good For?"!
ELAINE
Ha ha.
JERRY
No, no.. I'm not kidding Elaine it's
true, his mistress didn't like
the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace"!
ELAINE
But it's a line from that song!
JERRY
That's were they got it from!
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
I'm not joking!
(George enters with a handful of mail)
GEORGE
You can't handle the truth!(he solutes)
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You
can't handle the truth!(he
solutes)
ELAINE
What, is this your mail? (She takes
the mail and starts flipping
through)
GEORGE
Yeah, I grabbed it on my way, I don't
want my mother reading it.
ELAINE
Oh! Your Alumni Magazine.
JERRY
Your mother reads your mail?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
What do you mean like post-cards?
GEORGE
No, anything.
JERRY
She doesn't open?
GEORGE
She'll open!
JERRY
You've caught your mother opening envelopes!
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
What did she say?
GEORGE
I was curious!
JERRY
Isn't that against the law?
GEORGE
Maybe I can get her locked up.
ELAINE
(She looks closer at the mag.) Hey Jerry,
you're in the Alumni
Letterman" and the "Tonight Show" and he did a pilot for NBC
called
"Jerry"...that was not picked up. Georgie, why isn't there anything
about you in here?
JERRY
He can't handle the truth!
ELAINE
All right.. this is too fun I gotta
get back to work.
(Elaine leaves and in the hall she meets up with Kramer, he is
holding a set
of golf clubs)
KRAMER
Ah, maybe you could use this (he searches
through his jacket) Ah,
here, ah, it's an electronic organizer, ah, here it is.
(Elaine Gasps)
KRAMER
Yeah you know, for phone numbers, addresses,
keep appointments,
everything
ELAINE
Wow!
KRAMER
It's got an alarm that beeps!
ELAINE
Oh! I can't believe this, Kramer! I've
been wanting to get one of
these things! Are you sure...(Kramer drops a piece of paper and
bends over to pick it up and drops balls everywhere) Are you
sure you
can't use one of these things??
KRAMER
Oh no. I got all my appointments up
here. (he points to his head)
ELAINE
Where'd you get this?
KRAMER
The bank, I opened a new account.
(Back inside Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
Did you see that whale thing on TV last
night?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
I'm such a Huge whale fan. These marine
biologists were showing how
they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals,
what
a fish!
JERRY
It's a mammal.
GEORGE
Whatever. (George looks to the table)
Hey new tape recorder?
JERRY
Yeah, got it from the bank.
(Kramer enters without his golf bag)
KRAMER
(over excited) Hey
GEORGE
Hey
KRAMER
(still over excited) Who wants to have
some fun!
JERRY
I do.
GEORGE
I do.
KRAMER
(once again, over excited) Are you just
sayin' you want to have fun
or do you really want to have fun?!
JERRY
I really wanna have some fun.
GEORGE
I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.
KRAMER
Right now there six-hundred Titleists
that I got at the driving
range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way
and hit them-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now
picture this....we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes,
we take
out our drivers, we tea up and (he makes a golf stroke), that
ball
goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then.......
..... gulp!
GEORGE
Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch?
JERRY
Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine
and I'll meet you at the
coffee shop.
GEORGE
Yeah, I'm gonna go get a paper.
(Kramer gets ready to make another swing)
GEORGE
Keep your head down.
(At the automatic teller machine Jerry is getting his money and
there is a
woman beside him)
JERRY
Cash advance...yes (he looks over) no
(he looks over again)balance
inquiry...no (he looks again) receipt....no (he looks again)
processing...processing...processing.(He opens the box and gets
his
money and then looks at the woman and says)I won!
(Jerry starts to walk away)
DIANE
Jerry?
JERRY
Yeah
DIANE
Diane, Diane DeConn, from college. I've
seen you on TV you're doin'
great.
JERRY
Yeah pluggin' along.
DIANE
I got the Alumni magazine. Ya know what
ever happened to your friend
George? I never see him in there.
JERRY
Well he's kind of modest.
DIANE
He was always such a goof-off. I mean
did he ever get anywhere?
JERRY
Sure.
DIANE
Yeah? What field?
JERRY
Marine biology.
DIANE
George is a marine biologist?!
JERRY
A pretty damn good one, too!
DIANE
I can't believe it I mean I would never
had thought..
JERRY
Yeah...he specializing in whales. He's
working on lowering the
cholesterol level in whales...all that blubber-- quite unhealthy.
You know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says "they
don't have to be."
(In the coffee shop Jerry and George are sitting)
GEORGE
Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!
JERRY
Something huh?
GEORGE
Yeah! How'd she look.
JERRY
She looked great. She asked about you.
GEORGE
She did! What did she say?
JERRY
"How's George?"
GEORGE
George! She said George? She remembered
my name. Diane DeConn
remembered my name. She was the "it" girl!
JERRY
Yeah she asked for your number, I think
she's gonna get in touch with
you.
GEORGE
OK, I'm tellin' you right now if your
kiddin' around I'm not gonna
be able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that.
You
got that.
JERRY
I got no problem with that.
GEORGE
Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this
is a joke, if this is your
idea of some cute little game...we're finished!
JERRY
Expect a call.
GEORGE
Oh my god he's not kidding.
JERRY
Now I should tell you at this point
she's under the impression the
you are a.....
GEORGE
A what?
JERRY
A marine biologist.
GEORGE
A marine biologist....why am I a marine
biologist?
JERRY
I may have mentioned it.
GEORGE
But I'm not a marine biologist!
JERRY
I'm aware of that.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
You don't think it's a good job.
GEORGE
I didn't think it was a job.
JERRY
Oh. It's a fascinating field!
GEORGE
What if she calls. What will I say?
(In George's parent's house...George is sitting in a chair. He
is talking to
Diane on the phone)
GEORGE
Algae, obviously plankton, I don't know
what else I can tell you, Oh
I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living
with the turtles.
(In the limo Elaine, Lippman, and Testikov are talkin')
LIPPMAN
We have got you in a very nice hotel,
I don't know how you like to
work but I can arrange for an office if you want.
TESTIKOV
I will work in hotel...much better.
I will work away from all the
penny bickering and interference.
LIPPMAN
You know Tolstoy use to write in the
village square. The faces
inspired him.
TESTIKOV
He didn't need any inspiration....God
spoke through his pen.
ELAINE
That is so true! Although one wonders
if "War and Peace" would has
been as highly acclaimed as it was if it was published under
it's
original name "War---What Is It Good For?"
LIPPMAN
What?
ELAINE
Yes. Mr. Lippman. It was his mistress
who insisted he called it
"War and Peace." "War--What Is It Good For."(sang) Absolutely
nothin'! (spoken to Testikov)that's the song that they got from
Tolstoy.
LIPPMAN
I'm sorry, it's just her sense of humor.
(Elaine's organizer starts beeping)
TESTIKOV
What is that noise!
LIPPMAN
What is that?
ELAINE
It's coming from my purse. It must be
my new organizer, here.
LIPPMAN
Elaine...here!
TESTIKOV
Turn it off.
LIPPMAN
It's the top one!
ELAINE
I'm trying!
TESTIKOV
HERE!
(He throws it out the window of the limo)
(On the beach Kramer is getting ready to hit a ball. He swings
and misses.
He looks for it in the air and the notes that it is still on
the
ground. Then he goes nuts)
JERRY
I did it for you.
GEORGE
Yeah, but what did you have to tell
her that for. You put me in a
very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable
with this whole thing.
JERRY
You know with all do respect I would
think it's right up your alley.
GEORGE
Well it's not up my alley! It's one
thing if I make it up. I know
what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos
Islands
livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
JERRY
Well you came in the other day with
all that whale stuff, the
squeaking and the squealing.
GEORGE
Why couldn't you have made me an architect?
You know I always
wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I'm supposed
to see
her tomorrow, I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. Maybe she likes
me for me.
(Kramer bangs into the room with his golf clubs)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey ya want these (He throws down the
golf clubs) I don't want em!
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
I stink! I can't play! The ball is just
sitting there, Jerry, and
I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way
out!
JERRY
Well what happened?
KRAMER
I have no concentration!
(Kramer starts to scratch his body and rip his coat off)
JERRY
What, what, what's wrong with you?
KRAMER
Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (Looking
down his shirt) Look there
is still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand
in the
pockets!
(He empties his pocket and tons of sand falls out)
JERRY
Hey you're getting it all over the floor!
(Karma falls over as the phone rings)
JERRY
(to the phone)Hello....yeah....yes it
is....really....oh. Can you
hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this,
some
woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants
me
to help track down the owner.
GEORGE
How'd she find it?
JERRY
It hit her in the head!
(Woman on the phone and Jerry are sitting in the coffee shop)
CORINNE
So I am walkin' along, minding my own
business when all off the
sudden this thing come flying out off no were and cunks me right
on
the head.
JERRY
Ya.
CORINNE
Yeah, So they took me to the hospital
and they put me in this thing
that fells like a coffin for forty-five minutes. Have you ever
been
in one of those things? You could go berserk in there!
JERRY
Well you have insurance...
CORINNE
I wish!
JERRY
Unbelievable!
CORINNE
Yeah.
(Organizer beeps)
JERRY
What is with this thing.
CORINNE
I don't know, it never shuts up. So
anyway, you can see why I
would be interested in finding this person.
JERRY
Absolutely. You should not have to pay
for that.
(Organizer beeps again)
CORINNE
(shouting at the top of her lungs)Stop
it! Stop it!
JERRY
Let me have a look at this thing.
CORINNE
Yeah know somebody told me they thought
they saw it coming out of
a limousine.
JERRY
Typical rich people, using the world
for their personal garbage can.
CORINNE
Boy am I lucky your name came up. I
just pushed a button.
JERRY
I would like to know what my name is
doin in this creep's organizer
to begin with.
CORINNE
Ya.
JERRY
Who do I even know that would have been
in a limousine yesterday
anyway. OHHHH!
(In the hallway Elaine knocks on Kramer's door, he answers)
KRAMER
Oh, hey.
ELAINE
Hey, "great" organizer that you gave
me.
(Kramer is still itching cause the sand)
KRAMER
Oh, you like it huh.
ELAINE
It wouldn't stop beeping in the car
so Testikov through it out the
window.
KRAMER
Oh.
ELAINE
I transferred everything in there. I
threw out my old book. I'm
lost now, Kramer.
(He goes crazy again)
ELAINE
What, what is it?
KRAMER
The sand, it's everywhere!
ELAINE
OK I'll see you later.
(Kramer closes the door and Jerry walks up to his door)
JERRY
Oh, there you are!
ELAINE
There you are!
JERRY
So?
ELAINE
So?
JERRY
So what do you have to say for yourself?
ELAINE
So what do you have to say for yourself?
(Jerry unlocks the door and they both walk in and close the door)
JERRY
Why should I have anything for say for
myself?
ELAINE
"War-- What is it go for?"!
JERRY
Ha Ha, who told you?
ELAINE
Ha ha ha. Yuri Testikov, the Russian
writer!
JERRY
You told Testikov that Tolstoy wanted
to name his book "War-- What
Is IT Good For?"?
ELAINE
Ya know what happened?
JERRY
Can I take a guess?
ELAINE
Please.
JERRY
Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer
out the window?
(Elaine pushes Jerry)
ELAINE
What, how did you know that?
JERRY
Because I know who has it.
ELAINE
What, how did you find it?
JERRY
Because the woman who got hit in the
head with it found my name in
it, called me up, and we met!
ELAINE
Well where is it, give it to me!
JERRY
I don't have it!
ELAINE
Why not.
JERRY
Because she's not returning it until
she gets the money back for the
hospital bill.
ELAINE
But I didn't do Testikov did it, he
should have to pay for it!
JERRY
How much is Testikov getting from Pendman
for this book?
ELAINE
One million.
JERRY
Well that's a start.
(George and Diane are walking on the beach)
GEORGE
Then of course with evolution the octopus
lost the nostrils and took
on the more familiar look that we know today. But if you look
really closely you can still see a bump where the nose use to
be.
DIANE
Really?
GEORGE
Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk
about other things like...
architecture...
(At the hotel that Testikov is staying at)
JERRY
You know what room Testikov's in?
ELAINE
Ya, 308. I'm crazy for doing this!
JERRY
Well, you want to get your organizer
back don't you?
ELAINE
Why are you so interested, you want
to take her out?
JERRY
You know when Super Man saves someone
no one asks if he's trying to
hit on her!
ELAINE
Well you're not Super Man.
JERRY
Well you're not Louis Lane.
ELAINE
Oh. Listen, you have the tape-recorder.
JERRY
Ya, are you sure you want to do this.
ELAINE
Ya I got to get Testikov on tape. If
this woman ends up in the
"New England Journal Of Medicine" I'm not going to pay for it.
JERRY
Ah, here she comes.
(Corinne enters through the hotel door)
JERRY
Hi, Elaine, this is Corinne.
ELAINE
Hi, you got the organizer?
(The organizer starts to beep as Corinne opens her coat to show
the organizer in her inside coat pocket)
JERRY
All right lets go. We'll meet you back
here in ten minutes hopefully
with the money.
(At the beach George and Diane are still walking)
DIANE
Your parents must be so proud of you,
George.
GEORGE
Oh, they're busting!
(there is a large crowd of men and women)
DIANE
What are those people doing over there?
(In Testikov's hotel room there is a knock and he goes to answer
it. He
opens it up and it is Jerry and Elaine)
TESTIKOV
(In a loud and cranky voice) What, What
is it! Oh! Come in. That
is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you
bring
guest for my entertainment?
ELAINE
Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. He
accompanied me, ya know, single
woman alone in a big city could be dangerous.
JERRY
Yes. That's why I where these sneakers,
in case of any trouble and
zip, I'm gone.
TESTIKOV
Yeah, Yeah. The sneakers. The Americans
and their sneakers.
Always running from something. Well, sit stop running, two minutes
and I'll give you the latest manuscript!
(They both sit down and Jerry picks out a very large book from
the coffee
table)
JERRY
Oh! Ramscy(?), great great book if I
my say so sir. I almost read the
whole thing.
(Corinne is standing in the hotel lobby smoking while the organizer
is still
beeping)
CORINNE
What!
HOTEL CLERK
If you can't thing off I'm going to
have to ask you to leave.
CORINNE
I'm waitin for two people!
HOTEL CLERK
Well you can wait for them outside.
CORINNE
Yeah I guess I'd better. Wouldn't want
to take any attention away
from the hookers!
HOTEL CLERK
All right, All right. Out, Out.
CORINNE
What ever you say Cro..w-well!
(On the beach George and Diane are standing with the crowd)
DIANE
What's going on over here?
WOMAN AT BEACH
There is a beached whale, she's dying.
VOICE
Is anyone here a marine biologist?
(In Testikov's room)
TESTIKOV
Here is the latest draft. I see you
next week. Same time, same
place. On time please.
JERRY
It was nice meeting you, real pleasure!
ELAINE
Oh, by the way Mr. Testikov do you remember
the other day when we
were in the limo and my organizer started beeping and you threw
it
out the window?
TESTIKOV
How could I forget?
ELAINE
Well would you believe that it hit actually
somebody in the head.
JERRY
Right in the head!
ELAINE
Boing!
(The tape-recorder in Elaine's purse starts to squeak)
TESTIKOV
(Shouting)What is that noise!
ELAINE
Um ,nothing.
TESTIKOV
What is the noise!
(He grabs the purse)
ELAINE
Hey that's my purse!
(He pulls out the recorder)
TESTIKOV
A recorder!
ELAINE
No that's a radio..
TESTIKOV
You were spying on me!
ELAINE
No I wasn't.
(He throws the recorder out of the hotel window)
(Corinne is standing outside of the hotel and looks up to see
the
tape-recorder falling to hit her in the head)
(Kramer is standing at his window knocking his boot on the windowsill
trying
to get the sand out but he drops it)
(Newman is walking down the street whistling but he stops and
looks up and he
yells as the boat hits him in the head)
(At the beach everyone is yelling at George)
CROWD
Come on! Save the whale! Hurry up it's
gonna die!
DIANE
Save the whale George... for me.
(He turns and throws his hat down. He walks into the ocean)
(At the coffee shop Jerry and Kramer are awaiting the story)
GEORGE
So I started to walk into the water.
I won't lie to you boys, I
was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the
breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was
divine
intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you
Jerry
at that moment I was a marine biologist!
(Elaine enters and sits down)
ELAINE
George I was just reading this thing
in the papers, it's amazing!
GEORGE
I know I was just telling them the story.
KRAMER
Come on George, finish the story.
GEORGE
The sea was angry that day my friends,
like an old man trying to
return soup at a deli!
(Jerry gives Kramer a "what the h-" glance)
GEORGE
I got about fifty-feet out and then
suddenly the great beast
appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was
a
foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said,
"Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized
something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing
I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
JERRY
Mammal.
GEORGE
Whatever.
KRAMER
Well, what did you do next?
GEORGE
Then from out of nowhere a huge title
wave lifted, tossed like a cork and
I found myself on top of him face to
face with the blow-hole. I could barely
see from all of the waves crashing down
on top of me but I knew something was
there so I reached my hand and pulled
out the obstruction!
(George pulls out of the inside pocket a golf ball)
(Jerry and George just stare at Kramer)
KRAMER
What is that a Titleist? A hole in one
eh.
JERRY
Well the crowd most have gone wild!
GEORGE
Oh yes they did Jerry they were all
over me. It was like Rocky 1.
Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me.
We
both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so
beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was
not a
marine biologist!
JERRY
Wow! What'd she say?
GEORGE
She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took
the bus home.
JERRY
All right lets go.
ELAINE
Are you in a bad mood?
JERRY
No, I just got my laundry back.
ELAINE
Ohhh! GoldenBoy?
JERRY
He didn't make it.
ELAINE
I'm sorry.
JERRY
This is GoldenBoy's son, BabyBlue.
KRAMER
What's with you?
GEORGE
Sand. It's everywhere
THE END
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