THE MILLENNIUM
Written by
Jennifer Crittenden
(Putumayo)
Inside a store full of ethnic merchandise. Elaine is examining
some sort of
footwear, while behind the counter Gladys is on the phone.
ELAINE
Uh, excuse me.
GLADYS
Be with you in a minute. (turns her
back to Elaine and continues into
phone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun.
ELAINE
Uhm, I just have a question.
GLADYS
(into phone) I know, the margaritas
in that place are so strong.
ELAINE
(walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like
to buy these hirachis.
GLADYS
(into phone) So? What else is goin'
on?
ELAINE
(shouts) HEY!!
GLADYS
Listen, I'll call you back. (to Elaine)
Yes? What can I do for you?
ELAINE
(tosses the hirachis onto the counter)
Nothing. You, just lost a
customer.
Elaine stalks to the door, but ruins her exit by trying to push
open a door she
should pull.
(Valerie's Apartment)
Jerry, pulling on his jacket, and Valerie preparing to leave.
VALERIE
Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the
previews.
JERRY
Me neither. I love the previews. In
fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut
up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.
VALERIE
I think that I was in that theatre.
That, that was really funny.
JERRY
Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just
check my messages before we go.
Valerie heads toward the door. Jerry sits by the phone, lifts
the receiver and
prepares to dial. As he does so, he notices button '07' on the
speed-dial is
marked 'JERRY'. He looks surprised and pleased together.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry and George stood talking.
GEORGE
So you're on the speed dial?
JERRY
After two dates!
GEORGE
What number?
JERRY
Seven.
GEORGE
Wha! You know, it's a pain to change
that. You gotta lift up that
plastic thing with a pen.
The door opens and Kramer enters. He's carrying a couple of folding
chairs in
each hand.
KRAMER
Uh, hey buddy.
JERRY
Hey.
Kramer carries the chairs across the room.
KRAMER
It all right if I keep these here for
a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve
party.
JERRY
You're gonna keep these here for eight
months?!
Kramer props the chairs up against a wall.
KRAMER
No, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine.
The millennium. I told
you about that.
JERRY
Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs
here for two and a half years?!
KRAMER
You're not gonna see 'em. I got a case
of party poppers I'm gonna keep
in front of 'em.
Kramer exits. George has taken one of the chairs, unfolded it,
and is sat with
his feet up on the back of the couch, hands behind his head.
GEORGE
Hey, so get this. I get a call this
morning from one of the Mets front
office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch.
JERRY
What for?
GEORGE
(smiling) I'm on a winning ball club,
Jerry. They probably wanna pick my
brains.
JERRY
Really, why d'you think they're taking
you out to lunch?
GEORGE
(thoughtful) I have no idea.
Elaine enters, throws her bag on the table. She's in a bad mood.
ELAINE
Alright, I have had it with those Mayans.
JERRY
I don't mind the Mayans.
Elaine gets another of the folding chairs.
ELAINE
(unfolding chair) You know that store,
Putumayo? (sits) I was trying to
buy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely
ignored me.
Kramer enters carrying more chairs.
KRAMER
What, we talking hirachis? I know a
great store for hirachis.
ELAINE
No, no, not Putumayo.
KRAMER
No, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah,
Marcellino, he turned me on to
it, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan.
GEORGE
(slightly worried) You know, I'm starting
to get a little nervous about
this lunch.
ELAINE
What'd you have?
Kramer enters again. This time he has a large bunch of multi-coloured
balloons
on ribbons. He ties the bunch to Elaine's chair.
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too,
huh? They'll be alright. (begins to
leave)
JERRY
Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna
stay filled till New Year's!
KRAMER
(at the door) Well, those aren't for
New Year's. Those are my everyday
balloons.
(Monk's)
George sits in a booth. Opposite him are two guys from the Mets.
MINKLER
George, we'll be blunt. The Mets need
somebody to head up scouting, and
we think that someone might be you.
GEORGE
(surprise) Head of scouting?
MOONEY
Interested?
GEORGE
(playing it cool) I'm still here.
MINKLER
Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent
us from making you an offer
while you're still under contract.
MOONEY
You understand what we're talking about?
GEORGE
So you're talking...
MINKLER
No, no.
MOONEY
We're *not* talking. We're just, talking.
GEORGE
So, you need me to get fired.
MINKLER
We didn't say that.
MOONEY
We couldn't say that, because even if
we did...
MINKLER
...we couldn't say that we said it.
MOONEY
You see what we're saying?
GEORGE
(jokingly) You are still paying for
this lunch?
MINKLER
(serious) We didn't say that.
(Valerie's Apartment)
Valerie is sitting by her phone, having just finished some adjustment.
Jerry
arrives, obviously a little rushed.
JERRY
Hi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta
chairs and balloons in my apartment.
How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner?
VALERIE
(pointedly) Someplace nice this time?
JERRY
Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian
barbecue last night. I'd heard good
things.
VALERIE
(rising) I don't know, got a two in
Zagat's.
Valerie rises and leaves the room. As she goes, Jerry sits beside
the phone.
JERRY
Lemme just check my messages. (to himself)
Maybe a nicer girl called.
Jerry presses the '07' button, without looking.
VOICE
Hello?
JERRY
Hello? Who's this?
VOICE
Jane. What number did you dial?
He looks down at the speed-dial and sees button '07' now marked
'JANE', and his
name now next to '09'.
JERRY
Seven?
(Putumayo)
Gladys is behind the counter. Through the window, Elaine can
be seen outside.
Elaine bangs on the window to get Gladys' attention.
ELAINE
Hey! See these? (raises her foot so
her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo
de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves)
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry and Kramer sit at the table. Jerry reading a newspaper,
Kramer with a
clipboard. George is heard outside the door.
GEORGE
(singing) Meet the Mets...
George enters, looking pleased with himself.
GEORGE
...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet
the Mets.
JERRY
Good meeting?
GEORGE
There was no meeting. (gets one of the
folding chairs) But it was quite
a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting.
The only thing
is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
JERRY
You can do that.
GEORGE
Of course. But I really wanna leave
my mark this time, you know, uh. I
wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now
that guy got
canned!'
JERRY
So you want to go out in a final blaze
of incompetence?
GEORGE
Ehh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer
at Dairy Queen where I cooled my
feet in the soft-serve machine?
KRAMER
You think people will still be using
napkins in the year two-thousand?
Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?
Jerry and George give Kramer a long look. Then break to continue
their own
conversation.
JERRY
So, George...
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
(rising) I had like a so-so date with
Valerie, now I'm number nine on the
speed-dial.
Jerry moves to the kitchen, with George following.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
So? I used to be seven. I dropped two
spots.
GEORGE
What, she's ranking you?
JERRY
Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship
barometer.
GEORGE
What is a barometer exactly?
KRAMER
It's pronounced thermometer.
Jerry gives another look to Kramer. George raises his eyes. Kramer
rises and
comes over to the guys.
KRAMER
You know, in the year two-thousand,
we'll all be on speed-dial. You'll
just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll
be like, wup
(judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a
call on a 'mental
phone') getting a call here.
KRAMER
(to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman.
(to 'mental phone') Hey, how you
doing, Newman?
Jerry begins mouthing 'I'm not here' and making gestures indicating
he doesn't
want to talk to Newman.
KRAMER
(to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk
to Jerry?
Kramer leans toward Jerry, as if to allow him to use the 'mental
phone'. Jerry
throws his arms up in exasperation.
(Valerie's Apartment)
Jerry has just arrived and has presented Valerie with a floral
bouquet.
VALERIE
(pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have
to do that. I mean, the dinner,
and the play, and the hansom cab ride.
JERRY
Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off)
You forgot the gift certificate to
Barnes and Noble.
VALERIE
Oh.
JERRY
(resumes) ...you know, make a good impression.
VALERIE
I'm gonna go put these in some water.
JERRY
I like the way you think.
Valerie leaves to the kitchen(?). The moment she's gone, Jerry
rushes over to
the phone. He picks it up to read the list of names on the speed-dial,
and finds
himself promoted to the '01' button.
JERRY
Oh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you
magnificent bastard!
(Yankees Boardroom(?))
Wilhelm and some others are sitting around the big table. George
is sitting
down. He's wearing an old-fashioned baseball jersey. On the table
in front of
him, he places a large paper bag.
GEORGE
Sorry I'm late, but look what I found
in the Yankee Hall of Pride
display case.
WILHELM
Isn't that Babe Ruth's uniform?
GEORGE
Is it? (reaches into bag)
Wilhelm looks disturbed by George's actions.
GEORGE
Huh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry)
Ah, that's good. Ooh,
juicy this time of year.
He wipes strawberry juice from his fingers onto Babe Ruth's jersey.
GEORGE
Gotta get the good ones.
He fetches another over-ripe strawberry from the bag, and drops
it onto the
front of the jersey leaving a pulpy stain.
GEORGE
Oh, that's bad. That's bad.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Kramer sits at the table with his clipboard.
KRAMER
So Jerry, my millennium party's really
coming together. Will people be
able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand?
JERRY
Some of us.
KRAMER
(crumpling a piece of paper) I don't
wanna exclude anybody.
Elaine enters. She is festooned with Mayan goods. All her clothes,
bag,
earrings, everything.
JERRY
Hola.
ELAINE
Shove it!
JERRY
What is all this?
ELAINE
I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo,
because I was trying to show
Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing
(demonstrates
dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days.
JERRY
Ah, no wonder we're getting so much
rain.
KRAMER
Elaine, I'm having a millennium party,
so save the date.
ELAINE
Hey, you know what? Newman sent me an
invitation already, to his party.
Elaine fishes in her bag for the invite.
KRAMER
Newman?
ELAINE
Yeah.
Elaine hands her invite to Kramer.
KRAMER
(reads) Come celebrate the millennium,
with Newmanniun. Newman!
(Jerry's Car)
Jerry has stopped to pick someone up. A woman climbs into the
passenger side.
JERRY
Hi Valerie.
The woman turns to face him.
JERRY
You're not Valerie.
MRS HAMILTON
I'm her step-mother. Drive.
Jerry does as he's told and sets off down the street.
MRS HAMILTON
It's taken me thirteen years to climb
up to the top of that
speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.
JERRY
But, I never...
MRS HAMILTON
(threatening) You just stay away from
that phone.
(Steinbrenner's Office)
Steinbrenner behind his desk. George crosses the floor from the
door.
GEORGE
You wanted to see me, sir?
STEINBRENNER
I heard about what happened at the meeting
this morning...
George looks quietly pleased at his imminent dismissal.
GEORGE
Oh, yes. I already packed up my desk,
sir. I can be outta here in an
hour.
STEINBRENNER
...and I have to tell you, it's exactly
what this organisation
needed.
George looks stunned as he realises he's not going to be fired.
STEINBRENNER
We wanna look to the future, we gotta
tear down the past. Babe
Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs.
And here's
something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan.
Ah, what d'you
make of that? Hey, check this out. (he stands to reveal he's
wearing baseball
pants) Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. (a thought occurs)
Hey, you don't
think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I
better take 'em
off. I'm too important to this team. (removes the pants to reveal
his boxers)
Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching.
George is further discomfited by the sight of Steinbrenner in
his underwear.
STEINBRENNER
Hey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you
going for?
(Valerie's Apartment)
Jerry and Valerie are sitting on the couch, eating popcorn.
JERRY
You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't
help but notice that I'm on your
speed-dial.
VALERIE
You deserve it.
JERRY
But I can't help thinking that maybe
there's someone in your life who
deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a
week.
VALERIE
My stepmother got to you, didn't she?
JERRY
What? No.
VALERIE
Uuh, I can't believe she did this again.
That's it! She's off the
speed-dial completely!
Valerie gets up, stalks to the phone and sets about rejigging
her speed-dial.
JERRY
Yikes!
(Newman's Apartment)
Newman sits at the table. Kramer has arrived and is holding his
invitation.
KRAMER
Well, I just got your invitation to
the Newmanniun party.
NEWMAN
You just got it? Damn, the mail is slow.
KRAMER
(getting worked up) You knew I was having
a millennium party, but you
just had to throw yours on the same day!
NEWMAN
I have done nothing unethical.
KRAMER
Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel
it, because I've told everybody
about my party.
NEWMAN
Cancel! (jumps to feet) Think again,
longshanks! I started planning this
in nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving
restaurant
that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross.
KRAMER
(worked up) Well, what am I gonna do?
I got over two hundred folding
chairs, and quite a bit of ice.
NEWMAN
(thoughtful) What kind?
KRAMER
Cubed.
NEWMAN
That's good stuff, and you can never
have too much ice. Alright, I'll
tell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under
one condition.
No Jerry. Jerry is not invited.
KRAMER
I gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy.
NEWMAN
That he may be. But he's outta my life,
starting in the year
two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free!
(Cab)
Jerry and George in the back of a taxi.
JERRY
How could they not fire you?
GEORGE
Never thought I'd fail at failing.
JERRY
Aw, come on there now.
GEORGE
(depressed) Feel like I can't do anything
wrong.
JERRY
Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
GEORGE
(hopeful) Everything?
JERRY
Everything.
GEORGE
You really think so?
JERRY
Absolutely. I have no confidence in
you.
GEORGE
Alright. I guess I just have to pick
myself up, dust myself off, and
throw myself right back down again!
JERRY
That's the spirit. You suck!
GEORGE
(pleased) I know.
(Cinqo De Mayo)
Elaine is talking with the saleswoman.
ELAINE
No, no, no no, listen to me. I work
in fashion. Together, we can drive
Putumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno...
de Mayo.
Gladys comes out behind the counter.
GLADYS
Do you need some help with something?
ELAINE
(puzzled) You? What're you doing here?
GLADYS
I own this store.
ELAINE
No you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless
you own both stores. (laughs
nervously)
GLADYS
I'm Gladys Mayo.
Realisation dawns for Elaine. She begins to leave, slowly.
ELAINE
Ah, this really sticks in my craw.
(Mrs Hamilton's Apartment)
Jerry and Mrs Hamilton sitting on the couch. Mrs Hamilton is
pouring out a
couple of glasses of wine.
JERRY
Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice
that you and Valerie patched
things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie?
MRS HAMILTON
I'm sure she'll be along. (handing over
a glass) Have some wine,
Jerome.
JERRY
Okay.
Mrs Hamilton leans back on the couch beside Jerry. She's sitting
uncomfortably
close to Jerry, and as she speaks she puts an arm along the top
of the couch
behind Jerry. (To cut it short, this scene plays pretty close
to the early
Dustin Hoffman/Anne Bancroft scenes in The Graduate.)
MRS HAMILTON
You know Jerome, I can understand what
Valerie sees in you. So
attractive, so strong, so comedic.
JERRY
Uh, good.
MRS HAMILTON
Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty
idea.
JERRY
(nervous) What?
MRS HAMILTON
Why don't I put you on my speed-dial?
JERRY
I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't
sound...
MRS HAMILTON
Don't be such a child, Jerome. How's
number three sound?
Jerry leaps to his feet as Mrs Hamilton goes for her phone.
JERRY
Valerie's not coming over, is she?
Mrs Hamilton is programming her phone.
MRS HAMILTON
Seven, four...
JERRY
No...
MRS HAMILTON
Two...
JERRY
Stop, stop. This isn't right. What about
Valerie?
MRS HAMILTON
I won't tell if you don't.
JERRY
(leaving hurriedly) Wuhh...
(Kramer's Apartment)
Kramer is asleep, but his sleep is fitful. He tosses and turns.
KRAMER
Jerry... Newman... Two-thousand...
Kramer suddenly sits bolt upright.
KRAMER
(yells) Newmanniun!!
He reaches over to his bedside table and picks up a photograph.
It's of himself
and Jerry at a previous party, looking happy together.
KRAMER
(whimper) Jerry?
Kramer clutches the photo to his chest, and flops back onto the
mattress.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry sits on his couch, watching baseball on TV. Steve Koren
is commentating.
KOREN
Alright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing.
Wait a minute! A short
stocky bald man is streaking across the field.
JERRY
Oh my God, George!
KOREN
Check that. He's not streaking. He's
wearing a flesh-tone
body-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one
seems upset.
Kramer enters.
JERRY
Kramer, look, it's George.
KOREN
Everyone loves him.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the
TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let
you come to my New Year's party.
JERRY
(neutral) Fine.
KRAMER
(agitated) I mean, it's killing me!
Newman's got the jump on the
invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone!
JERRY
(neutral) No problem.
KRAMER
(swung by Jerry's argument) You're right.
I won't do it without you. I
feel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh.
Elaine enters.
KRAMER
(pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's
Newmanniun.
ELAINE
(neutral) Okay.
KRAMER
No, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's
nineteen ninety-nine with me and
Jerry.
ELAINE
(neutral) Fine.
KRAMER
(frustrated shout) Oh come on!!
ELAINE
(neutral) Alright.
KRAMER
(triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you,
it's me, and it's Jerry, huh.
(claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh.
I'll tell Newman I
don't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first
century.
Kramer heads out the door.
ELAINE
(following Kramer to the door) Okay.
Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do
you still have that pricing-gun?
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Okay, I need you to help me put Putumayo
outta business.
KRAMER
Can do.
Kramer leaves to his apartment. Elaine begins to follow.
JERRY
What're you doing with a pricing-gun?
ELAINE
That place is about to have the sale
of the century. Nothing over
ninety-nine cents.
Elaine leaves and shuts the door.
JERRY
(to himself) Still a rip-off.
The phone rings. Jerry picks up.
JERRY
Hello?
From here on, the scene is presented in a split-screen format,
with Valerie and
Mrs Hamilton in their respective apartments, sharing the screen
with Jerry as
appropriate.
VALERIE
Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house,
and I saw that you were on her
speed-dial.
JERRY
Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted
to be able to keep tabs on you.
There is a beep on Jerry's phone as another call comes in.
JERRY
Hold on a second.
Jerry clicks the doofer to answer the other call.
JERRY
Hello?
MRS HAMILTON
(seductive) Hi Jerome.
JERRY
Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad
time. I've got Valerie on the other
line. Just a second.
Jerry clicks.
JERRY
Hello?
VALERIE
That's her on the other line, isn't
it?
JERRY
Well...
VALERIE
Tell her I don't want you on her speed-dial.
JERRY
Hang on.
Jerry clicks.
JERRY
She knows about the speed-dial. Mrs
Hamilton, you gotta get me off this
thing.
MRS HAMILTON
I won't, until she puts me back on hers.
JERRY
Hang on.
Jerry clicks.
JERRY
She wants to be back on yours.
VALERIE
Fine. But only if you're off hers.
JERRY
Hang on.
Jerry clicks.
JERRY
Fine, if I'm off yours.
VALERIE
No, still me.
JERRY
Sorry. Hang on.
Jerry clicks.
JERRY
Fine, if I'm off yours.
MRS HAMILTON
I won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and
I don't trust her.
JERRY
Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward
for me.
MRS HAMILTON
(conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide
you in one of the emergency
buttons.
JERRY
(hurried) Great, bye.
Jerry clicks.
JERRY
She said she'll do it.
VALERIE
Great.
There's another beep, as another call comes in.
JERRY
Hang on.
Jerry clicks.
JERRY
Hello?
(Yankee Stadium)
George is at a public telephone, wearing the flesh-tone body-stocking
and
looking thoroughly dejected.
GEORGE
Jerry. I can't get fired.
A passing fan spots him.
FAN
Hey, body-suit man. 's up?
He slaps palms with George, who doesn't look especially pleased
by the
attention. The fan points out George to more fans.
FAN
(pointing) Hey, body-suit man.
The fans gather round, making positive noises. George looks resigned
to his
minor celebrity.
(Putumayo)
Gladys is behind the counter. Outside the door, Elaine peers
in for a second
before she moves back out of sight. Then, a be-suited Kramer
is pushed into
sight. He enters the store, smoking a cigar.
KRAMER
Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy
American industrialist uh,
looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh,
before I invest
millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native.
Uh, Get the
feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know,
the real uh,
gritty-gritty.
He notices a bowl of chips beside the register and helps himself
to some.
GLADYS
Well, lemme show you what we have.
KRAMER
Well uh, I think I can just browse around
on my own.
KRAMER
(re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are
these free?
GLADYS
Yeah.
KRAMER
Hmm-mmm.
Kramer strolls over to a rack and grabs a selection of a half-dozen
items. He
then heads for the changing room.
GLADYS
Some of those are women's clothes.
KRAMER
Oh, not a problem.
He pulls the curtain shut. The sound of a pricing gun can be
heard. The clicking
goes on for a couple of seconds, and then the gun is dropped.
It lands by
Kramer's feet and breaks, Kramer then exacerbates his problem
by kicking the gun
as he tries to retrieve it.
(Yankee's Parking Lot)
George is driving his car in a circle in the parking lot. Trailing
behind the
car, on a rope, is a trophy which bounces and clatters on the
tarmac. George is
leaning out of the car window, with a megaphone.
GEORGE
Attention Steinbrenner and front-office
morons! Your triumphs mean
nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is
George Costanza.
I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh.
(Putumayo)
Gladys is still behind the counter. Valerie and Mrs Hamilton
are browsing the
racks. Elaine enters and, holding her hand up to hide her face,
she walks over
to the changing room, pulls back the curtain and enters.
KRAMER
L'Occupado.
ELAINE
Come on, what is taking you so long?
KRAMER
Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I
had to move to plan B.
ELAINE
Plan B? There is no plan B.
KRAMER
(holds up some small white sachets)
I took these out of every single
garment in the store.
ELAINE
What?!
KRAMER
They're dessicates. See, they absorb
moisture. (gleeful) These clothes
won't last five years without 'em.
ELAINE
That's not gonna do anything.
KRAMER
Patience.
ELAINE
Alright. Forget it!
KRAMER
What?
ELAINE
You have screwed me again, Pennypacker!
Elaine leaves, hurrying through the store with her face shielded
again.
GLADYS
Ladies, care for some chips?
KRAMER
(emerging from the changing room) Well,
I don't mind if I do.
He takes a chip and dips it. As he loads the chip with the dip,
a sachet of
dessicate falls from his sleeve into the dip. He doesn't notice,
and after
consuming the chip he deposits the bundle of clothing onto the
counter.
KRAMER
Well, I've uh, I've changed my mind.
I think I'm going to build a
rollercoaster instead.
Kramer leaves. Mrs Hamilton comes over to the counter, takes
a chip, dips it
into the dessicate-laced dip and eats it.
(Steinbrenner's Office)
George stands before Steinbrenner's desk, in his shirt-sleeves,
nonchalantly
eating something. He occasionally shrugs at Steinbrenner's remarks.
STEINBRENNER
I heard what you did in the parking
lot, big boy, and it is
in-excuse-a-bull. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot
believe that
you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks
my heart to say
it... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi...
George looks expectant, as Steinbrenner reaches this point. Suddenly,
Mr Wilhelm
enters the office.
WILHELM
Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George
doesn't deserve any of the blame
for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone
to blame
here, it's me.
George stares at Wilhelm in disbelief.
STEINBRENNER
What're you talking about, Wilhelm.
You popping pills? You got the
crazies again?
WILHELM
No, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George
to drive around insulting people
today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games.
GEORGE
(agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired
of all your macho head games!
STEINBRENNER
Macho head games?
WILHELM
(puts arm round George's shoulder) He's
just being loyal to me, sir.
STEINBRENNER
Wilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an
apology, body-suit man. Streak
on. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going
to the game
today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. (heads toward
the door)
Owner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem.
GEORGE
Mr Wilhelm, what was that?!
WILHELM
I wanted to get fired. George, you are
looking at the new head scout of
the New York Mets.
Wilhelm walks away toward the door, leaving George looking crushed.
WILHELM
(singing) Meet the Mets, meet the Mets.
Come right out and greet the
Mets.
(Jerry's Apartment)
KRAMER
I don't know what Elaine is so upset
about. I mean, without dessicates,
those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years.
JERRY
She never sees the big picture.
There's a knock at the door. Jerry opens it to reveal Newman.
JERRY
Hello, Newman!
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you
say to Elaine? I just got her
cancellation in the mail.
KRAMER
Oh, well I guess she found some place
better to go.
NEWMAN
Well, it's her mistake. Because she
is going to miss the party of a
lifetime.
KRAMER
Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when
she's looking for someone warm
and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon
and New York City.
NEWMAN
Alright. Come back to my party, please.
KRAMER
Jerry too, of course.
NEWMAN
(reluctant) You don't wanna do your...
act, or anything, do you?
JERRY
No.
NEWMAN
Alright then, I guess I can accept a
little Jerry, if it gets me a
(suggestive) lot of Elaine.
Jerry pulls a disgusted face.
KRAMER
Deal?
NEWMAN
To the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand)
KRAMER
(grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium.
Kramer and Newman move to the door to leave. Newman stops as
Jerry speaks to
him, and Kramer exits to his apartment.
JERRY
By the way Newman, I'm just curious.
When you booked the hotel, did you
book it for the millennium New Year?
NEWMAN
(smug) As a matter of fact, I did.
JERRY
Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone
knows, since there was no
year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand
and one.
Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame.
Newman absorbs the logic of Jerry's argument. His face twitches
as he realises
his error.
JERRY
Aww!
Newman makes a noise redolent of his frustration - a sort of
half-strangulated
nasal squeak. He then waddles away after Kramer.
(Mrs Hamilton's Apartment)
Valerie and Mrs Hamilton sit on the couch. Mrs Hamilton looks
nauseous.
MRS HAMILTON
I don't feel well at all. I feel all
dried-out inside.
VALERIE
I'll call for help.
She picks up the phone and pushes a button marked 'Poison Control'.
(Mrs Hamilton's Apartment/Jerry's Apartment)
JERRY
Hello?
VALERIE
Who's this?
JERRY
It's Jerry. Who's this?
VALERIE
Uh, it's Valerie.
JERRY
Oh, hi Valerie. What's up?
VALERIE
I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother
is violently ill, so I hit the
button for poison control and I get you!
JERRY
Wow, poison control? That's even higher
than number one!
Valerie hangs up the phone.
JERRY
Hello?
THE END
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