Inside a store full of ethnic merchandise. Elaine is examining
some sort of
footwear, while behind the counter Gladys is on the phone.
Uh, excuse me.
Be with you in a minute. (turns her
back to Elaine and continues into
phone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun.
Uhm, I just have a question.
(into phone) I know, the margaritas
in that place are so strong.
(walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like
to buy these hirachis.
(into phone) So? What else is goin'
Listen, I'll call you back. (to Elaine)
Yes? What can I do for you?
(tosses the hirachis onto the counter)
Nothing. You, just lost a
Elaine stalks to the door, but ruins her exit by trying to push
open a door she
Jerry, pulling on his jacket, and Valerie preparing to leave.
Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the
Me neither. I love the previews. In
fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut
up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.
I think that I was in that theatre.
That, that was really funny.
Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just
check my messages before we go.
Valerie heads toward the door. Jerry sits by the phone, lifts
the receiver and
prepares to dial. As he does so, he notices button '07' on the
marked 'JERRY'. He looks surprised and pleased together.
Jerry and George stood talking.
So you're on the speed dial?
After two dates!
Wha! You know, it's a pain to change
that. You gotta lift up that
plastic thing with a pen.
The door opens and Kramer enters. He's carrying a couple of folding
Uh, hey buddy.
Kramer carries the chairs across the room.
It all right if I keep these here for
a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve
You're gonna keep these here for eight
Kramer props the chairs up against a wall.
No, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine.
The millennium. I told
you about that.
Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs
here for two and a half years?!
You're not gonna see 'em. I got a case
of party poppers I'm gonna keep
in front of 'em.
Kramer exits. George has taken one of the chairs, unfolded it,
and is sat with
his feet up on the back of the couch, hands behind his head.
Hey, so get this. I get a call this
morning from one of the Mets front
office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch.
(smiling) I'm on a winning ball club,
Jerry. They probably wanna pick my
Really, why d'you think they're taking
you out to lunch?
(thoughtful) I have no idea.
Elaine enters, throws her bag on the table. She's in a bad mood.
Alright, I have had it with those Mayans.
I don't mind the Mayans.
Elaine gets another of the folding chairs.
(unfolding chair) You know that store,
Putumayo? (sits) I was trying to
buy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely
Kramer enters carrying more chairs.
What, we talking hirachis? I know a
great store for hirachis.
No, no, not Putumayo.
No, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah,
Marcellino, he turned me on to
it, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan.
(slightly worried) You know, I'm starting
to get a little nervous about
What'd you have?
Kramer enters again. This time he has a large bunch of multi-coloured
on ribbons. He ties the bunch to Elaine's chair.
Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too,
huh? They'll be alright. (begins to
Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna
stay filled till New Year's!
(at the door) Well, those aren't for
New Year's. Those are my everyday
George sits in a booth. Opposite him are two guys from the Mets.
George, we'll be blunt. The Mets need
somebody to head up scouting, and
we think that someone might be you.
(surprise) Head of scouting?
(playing it cool) I'm still here.
Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent
us from making you an offer
while you're still under contract.
You understand what we're talking about?
So you're talking...
We're *not* talking. We're just, talking.
So, you need me to get fired.
We didn't say that.
We couldn't say that, because even if
...we couldn't say that we said it.
You see what we're saying?
(jokingly) You are still paying for
(serious) We didn't say that.
Valerie is sitting by her phone, having just finished some adjustment.
arrives, obviously a little rushed.
Hi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta
chairs and balloons in my apartment.
How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner?
(pointedly) Someplace nice this time?
Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian
barbecue last night. I'd heard good
(rising) I don't know, got a two in
Valerie rises and leaves the room. As she goes, Jerry sits beside
Lemme just check my messages. (to himself)
Maybe a nicer girl called.
Jerry presses the '07' button, without looking.
Hello? Who's this?
Jane. What number did you dial?
He looks down at the speed-dial and sees button '07' now marked
'JANE', and his
name now next to '09'.
Gladys is behind the counter. Through the window, Elaine can
be seen outside.
Elaine bangs on the window to get Gladys' attention.
Hey! See these? (raises her foot so
her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo
de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves)
Jerry and Kramer sit at the table. Jerry reading a newspaper,
Kramer with a
clipboard. George is heard outside the door.
(singing) Meet the Mets...
George enters, looking pleased with himself.
...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet
There was no meeting. (gets one of the
folding chairs) But it was quite
a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting.
The only thing
is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
You can do that.
Of course. But I really wanna leave
my mark this time, you know, uh. I
wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now
that guy got
So you want to go out in a final blaze
Ehh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer
at Dairy Queen where I cooled my
feet in the soft-serve machine?
You think people will still be using
napkins in the year two-thousand?
Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?
Jerry and George give Kramer a long look. Then break to continue
(rising) I had like a so-so date with
Valerie, now I'm number nine on the
Jerry moves to the kitchen, with George following.
So? I used to be seven. I dropped two
What, she's ranking you?
Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship
What is a barometer exactly?
It's pronounced thermometer.
Jerry gives another look to Kramer. George raises his eyes. Kramer
comes over to the guys.
You know, in the year two-thousand,
we'll all be on speed-dial. You'll
just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll
be like, wup
(judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a
call on a 'mental
phone') getting a call here.
(to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman.
(to 'mental phone') Hey, how you
Jerry begins mouthing 'I'm not here' and making gestures indicating
want to talk to Newman.
(to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk
Kramer leans toward Jerry, as if to allow him to use the 'mental
throws his arms up in exasperation.
Jerry has just arrived and has presented Valerie with a floral
(pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have
to do that. I mean, the dinner,
and the play, and the hansom cab ride.
Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off)
You forgot the gift certificate to
Barnes and Noble.
(resumes) ...you know, make a good impression.
I'm gonna go put these in some water.
I like the way you think.
Valerie leaves to the kitchen(?). The moment she's gone, Jerry
rushes over to
the phone. He picks it up to read the list of names on the speed-dial,
himself promoted to the '01' button.
Oh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you
Wilhelm and some others are sitting around the big table. George
down. He's wearing an old-fashioned baseball jersey. On the table
in front of
him, he places a large paper bag.
Sorry I'm late, but look what I found
in the Yankee Hall of Pride
Isn't that Babe Ruth's uniform?
Is it? (reaches into bag)
Wilhelm looks disturbed by George's actions.
Huh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry)
Ah, that's good. Ooh,
juicy this time of year.
He wipes strawberry juice from his fingers onto Babe Ruth's jersey.
Gotta get the good ones.
He fetches another over-ripe strawberry from the bag, and drops
it onto the
front of the jersey leaving a pulpy stain.
Oh, that's bad. That's bad.
Kramer sits at the table with his clipboard.
So Jerry, my millennium party's really
coming together. Will people be
able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand?
Some of us.
(crumpling a piece of paper) I don't
wanna exclude anybody.
Elaine enters. She is festooned with Mayan goods. All her clothes,
What is all this?
I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo,
because I was trying to show
Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing
dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days.
Ah, no wonder we're getting so much
Elaine, I'm having a millennium party,
so save the date.
Hey, you know what? Newman sent me an
invitation already, to his party.
Elaine fishes in her bag for the invite.
Elaine hands her invite to Kramer.
(reads) Come celebrate the millennium,
with Newmanniun. Newman!
Jerry has stopped to pick someone up. A woman climbs into the
The woman turns to face him.
You're not Valerie.
I'm her step-mother. Drive.
Jerry does as he's told and sets off down the street.
It's taken me thirteen years to climb
up to the top of that
speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.
But, I never...
(threatening) You just stay away from
Steinbrenner behind his desk. George crosses the floor from the
You wanted to see me, sir?
I heard about what happened at the meeting
George looks quietly pleased at his imminent dismissal.
Oh, yes. I already packed up my desk,
sir. I can be outta here in an
...and I have to tell you, it's exactly
what this organisation
George looks stunned as he realises he's not going to be fired.
We wanna look to the future, we gotta
tear down the past. Babe
Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs.
something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan.
Ah, what d'you
make of that? Hey, check this out. (he stands to reveal he's
pants) Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. (a thought occurs)
Hey, you don't
think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I
better take 'em
off. I'm too important to this team. (removes the pants to reveal
Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching.
George is further discomfited by the sight of Steinbrenner in
Hey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you
Jerry and Valerie are sitting on the couch, eating popcorn.
You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't
help but notice that I'm on your
You deserve it.
But I can't help thinking that maybe
there's someone in your life who
deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a
My stepmother got to you, didn't she?
Uuh, I can't believe she did this again.
That's it! She's off the
Valerie gets up, stalks to the phone and sets about rejigging
Newman sits at the table. Kramer has arrived and is holding his
Well, I just got your invitation to
the Newmanniun party.
You just got it? Damn, the mail is slow.
(getting worked up) You knew I was having
a millennium party, but you
just had to throw yours on the same day!
I have done nothing unethical.
Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel
it, because I've told everybody
about my party.
Cancel! (jumps to feet) Think again,
longshanks! I started planning this
in nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving
that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross.
(worked up) Well, what am I gonna do?
I got over two hundred folding
chairs, and quite a bit of ice.
(thoughtful) What kind?
That's good stuff, and you can never
have too much ice. Alright, I'll
tell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under
No Jerry. Jerry is not invited.
I gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy.
That he may be. But he's outta my life,
starting in the year
two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free!
Jerry and George in the back of a taxi.
How could they not fire you?
Never thought I'd fail at failing.
Aw, come on there now.
(depressed) Feel like I can't do anything
Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
You really think so?
Absolutely. I have no confidence in
Alright. I guess I just have to pick
myself up, dust myself off, and
throw myself right back down again!
That's the spirit. You suck!
(pleased) I know.
(Cinqo De Mayo)
Elaine is talking with the saleswoman.
No, no, no no, listen to me. I work
in fashion. Together, we can drive
Putumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno...
Gladys comes out behind the counter.
Do you need some help with something?
(puzzled) You? What're you doing here?
I own this store.
No you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless
you own both stores. (laughs
I'm Gladys Mayo.
Realisation dawns for Elaine. She begins to leave, slowly.
Ah, this really sticks in my craw.
(Mrs Hamilton's Apartment)
Jerry and Mrs Hamilton sitting on the couch. Mrs Hamilton is
pouring out a
couple of glasses of wine.
Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice
that you and Valerie patched
things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie?
I'm sure she'll be along. (handing over
a glass) Have some wine,
Mrs Hamilton leans back on the couch beside Jerry. She's sitting
close to Jerry, and as she speaks she puts an arm along the top
of the couch
behind Jerry. (To cut it short, this scene plays pretty close
to the early
Dustin Hoffman/Anne Bancroft scenes in The Graduate.)
You know Jerome, I can understand what
Valerie sees in you. So
attractive, so strong, so comedic.
Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty
Why don't I put you on my speed-dial?
I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't
Don't be such a child, Jerome. How's
number three sound?
Jerry leaps to his feet as Mrs Hamilton goes for her phone.
Valerie's not coming over, is she?
Mrs Hamilton is programming her phone.
Stop, stop. This isn't right. What about
I won't tell if you don't.
(leaving hurriedly) Wuhh...
Kramer is asleep, but his sleep is fitful. He tosses and turns.
Jerry... Newman... Two-thousand...
Kramer suddenly sits bolt upright.
He reaches over to his bedside table and picks up a photograph.
It's of himself
and Jerry at a previous party, looking happy together.
Kramer clutches the photo to his chest, and flops back onto the
Jerry sits on his couch, watching baseball on TV. Steve Koren
Alright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing.
Wait a minute! A short
stocky bald man is streaking across the field.
Oh my God, George!
Check that. He's not streaking. He's
wearing a flesh-tone
body-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one
Kramer, look, it's George.
Everyone loves him.
Yeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the
TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let
you come to my New Year's party.
(agitated) I mean, it's killing me!
Newman's got the jump on the
invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone!
(neutral) No problem.
(swung by Jerry's argument) You're right.
I won't do it without you. I
feel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh.
(pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's
No, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's
nineteen ninety-nine with me and
(frustrated shout) Oh come on!!
(triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you,
it's me, and it's Jerry, huh.
(claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh.
I'll tell Newman I
don't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first
Kramer heads out the door.
(following Kramer to the door) Okay.
Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do
you still have that pricing-gun?
Okay, I need you to help me put Putumayo
Kramer leaves to his apartment. Elaine begins to follow.
What're you doing with a pricing-gun?
That place is about to have the sale
of the century. Nothing over
Elaine leaves and shuts the door.
(to himself) Still a rip-off.
The phone rings. Jerry picks up.
From here on, the scene is presented in a split-screen format,
with Valerie and
Mrs Hamilton in their respective apartments, sharing the screen
with Jerry as
Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house,
and I saw that you were on her
Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted
to be able to keep tabs on you.
There is a beep on Jerry's phone as another call comes in.
Hold on a second.
Jerry clicks the doofer to answer the other call.
(seductive) Hi Jerome.
Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad
time. I've got Valerie on the other
line. Just a second.
That's her on the other line, isn't
Tell her I don't want you on her speed-dial.
She knows about the speed-dial. Mrs
Hamilton, you gotta get me off this
I won't, until she puts me back on hers.
She wants to be back on yours.
Fine. But only if you're off hers.
Fine, if I'm off yours.
No, still me.
Sorry. Hang on.
Fine, if I'm off yours.
I won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and
I don't trust her.
Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward
(conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide
you in one of the emergency
(hurried) Great, bye.
She said she'll do it.
There's another beep, as another call comes in.
George is at a public telephone, wearing the flesh-tone body-stocking
looking thoroughly dejected.
Jerry. I can't get fired.
A passing fan spots him.
Hey, body-suit man. 's up?
He slaps palms with George, who doesn't look especially pleased
attention. The fan points out George to more fans.
(pointing) Hey, body-suit man.
The fans gather round, making positive noises. George looks resigned
Gladys is behind the counter. Outside the door, Elaine peers
in for a second
before she moves back out of sight. Then, a be-suited Kramer
is pushed into
sight. He enters the store, smoking a cigar.
Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy
American industrialist uh,
looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh,
before I invest
millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native.
Uh, Get the
feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know,
the real uh,
He notices a bowl of chips beside the register and helps himself
Well, lemme show you what we have.
Well uh, I think I can just browse around
on my own.
(re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are
Kramer strolls over to a rack and grabs a selection of a half-dozen
then heads for the changing room.
Some of those are women's clothes.
Oh, not a problem.
He pulls the curtain shut. The sound of a pricing gun can be
heard. The clicking
goes on for a couple of seconds, and then the gun is dropped.
It lands by
Kramer's feet and breaks, Kramer then exacerbates his problem
by kicking the gun
as he tries to retrieve it.
(Yankee's Parking Lot)
George is driving his car in a circle in the parking lot. Trailing
car, on a rope, is a trophy which bounces and clatters on the
tarmac. George is
leaning out of the car window, with a megaphone.
Attention Steinbrenner and front-office
morons! Your triumphs mean
nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is
I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh.
Gladys is still behind the counter. Valerie and Mrs Hamilton
are browsing the
racks. Elaine enters and, holding her hand up to hide her face,
she walks over
to the changing room, pulls back the curtain and enters.
Come on, what is taking you so long?
Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I
had to move to plan B.
Plan B? There is no plan B.
(holds up some small white sachets)
I took these out of every single
garment in the store.
They're dessicates. See, they absorb
moisture. (gleeful) These clothes
won't last five years without 'em.
That's not gonna do anything.
Alright. Forget it!
You have screwed me again, Pennypacker!
Elaine leaves, hurrying through the store with her face shielded
Ladies, care for some chips?
(emerging from the changing room) Well,
I don't mind if I do.
He takes a chip and dips it. As he loads the chip with the dip,
a sachet of
dessicate falls from his sleeve into the dip. He doesn't notice,
consuming the chip he deposits the bundle of clothing onto the
Well, I've uh, I've changed my mind.
I think I'm going to build a
Kramer leaves. Mrs Hamilton comes over to the counter, takes
a chip, dips it
into the dessicate-laced dip and eats it.
George stands before Steinbrenner's desk, in his shirt-sleeves,
eating something. He occasionally shrugs at Steinbrenner's remarks.
I heard what you did in the parking
lot, big boy, and it is
in-excuse-a-bull. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot
you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks
my heart to say
it... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi...
George looks expectant, as Steinbrenner reaches this point. Suddenly,
enters the office.
Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George
doesn't deserve any of the blame
for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone
here, it's me.
George stares at Wilhelm in disbelief.
What're you talking about, Wilhelm.
You popping pills? You got the
No, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George
to drive around insulting people
today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games.
(agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired
of all your macho head games!
Macho head games?
(puts arm round George's shoulder) He's
just being loyal to me, sir.
Wilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an
apology, body-suit man. Streak
on. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going
to the game
today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. (heads toward
Owner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem.
Mr Wilhelm, what was that?!
I wanted to get fired. George, you are
looking at the new head scout of
the New York Mets.
Wilhelm walks away toward the door, leaving George looking crushed.
(singing) Meet the Mets, meet the Mets.
Come right out and greet the
I don't know what Elaine is so upset
about. I mean, without dessicates,
those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years.
She never sees the big picture.
There's a knock at the door. Jerry opens it to reveal Newman.
Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you
say to Elaine? I just got her
cancellation in the mail.
Oh, well I guess she found some place
better to go.
Well, it's her mistake. Because she
is going to miss the party of a
Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when
she's looking for someone warm
and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon
and New York City.
Alright. Come back to my party, please.
Jerry too, of course.
(reluctant) You don't wanna do your...
act, or anything, do you?
Alright then, I guess I can accept a
little Jerry, if it gets me a
(suggestive) lot of Elaine.
Jerry pulls a disgusted face.
To the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand)
(grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium.
Kramer and Newman move to the door to leave. Newman stops as
Jerry speaks to
him, and Kramer exits to his apartment.
By the way Newman, I'm just curious.
When you booked the hotel, did you
book it for the millennium New Year?
(smug) As a matter of fact, I did.
Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone
knows, since there was no
year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand
Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame.
Newman absorbs the logic of Jerry's argument. His face twitches
as he realises
Newman makes a noise redolent of his frustration - a sort of
nasal squeak. He then waddles away after Kramer.
(Mrs Hamilton's Apartment)
Valerie and Mrs Hamilton sit on the couch. Mrs Hamilton looks
I don't feel well at all. I feel all
I'll call for help.
She picks up the phone and pushes a button marked 'Poison Control'.
(Mrs Hamilton's Apartment/Jerry's Apartment)
It's Jerry. Who's this?
Uh, it's Valerie.
Oh, hi Valerie. What's up?
I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother
is violently ill, so I hit the
button for poison control and I get you!
Wow, poison control? That's even higher
than number one!
Valerie hangs up the phone.