THE MONEY
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Kramer's Apartment)
Kramer and Emily are in bed, having just finished their lovemaking.
They're
both looking very satisfied and smiling.
KRAMER
Well, that was alright, huh?
EMILY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Well, um, goodnight.
EMILY
Goodnight.
snuggles up to him and puts an arm around him. Kramer doesn't
look
comfortable with this.
(Kramer's Apartment, Later)
THE CLOCK READS 3
31. Kramer is lying on his back, sleeping.
Beside him,
Emily lies face-down, sleeping, with her arms flung out wide.
One hand is on
the pillow above Kramer's head, then it moves and Emily's forearm
runs
across Kramer's face, waking him. Kramer looks disgruntled at
being
awakened.
KRAMER
(quietly, to himself) Look at this.
He picks up Emily's hand and moves it back to the pillow behind
his head,
only for the same thing to happen again. Emily's hand moves across
his face.
Kramer looks unhappy at the disturbance.
(Kramer's Apartment, Later Still)
THE CLOCK READS 5
11. A wide awake Kramer is right over
to the edge of the
bed, with Emily cuddled up to him, sleeping happily. Kramer tries
to
carefully move, so as to not wake Emily, but as he shifts his
weight, he
slips off the end of the mattress and falls to the floor. Emily
rolls into
the space vacated, continuing to sleep.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry and his parents enter, carrying a selection of luggage.
HELEN
Jerry, we can only stay four days.
JERRY
Well, I'm upset, but we'll make the
most of it.
Morty and Helen remove their coats.
MORTY
Helen, did you pack my travel gym?
HELEN
Yes. (to Jerry) Oh, your father bought
a exercise device off the
television. He does it every morning at four.
MORTY
Only twenty-five minutes a day, and
you can attach it to any
doorknob.
JERRY
Huh. So, I guess your travel miles are
about to expire.
Jerry carries two cases through into the bedroom as his parents
sit on the
couch.
HELEN
Well, actually, Jerry, we wanted to
talk to you about something.
Jerry reenters.
JERRY
Am I finally getting a baby brother?
HELEN
Jerry, be serious.
MORTY
How would you feel if we sold the Cadillac?
JERRY
What? The Cadillac I bought for you?
MORTY
It's too much car, Jerry.
JERRY
Aw, c'mon, you love that car. What about
the Northstar system?
MORTY
I don't think we even use it.
JERRY
Well, it's a gift and I want you to
keep it.
HELEN
We already sold it.
JERRY
Wh..why didn't you tell me before you
sold it?
MORTY
Because we had a buyer, and we couldn't
get a free flight until now.
HELEN
Well, we could, but we wanted the bulkhead.
JERRY
(exasperated) Ugh.
Jerry turns away towards the kitchen as Kramer enters.
KRAMER
(to Jerry) Man, that Emily is wearing
me out.
JERRY
Kramer.
KRAMER
No, no, no. It's not the sex, Jerry.
(noticing Morty and Helen)
Heyy! Seinfelds.
HELEN
Hi Kramer.
MORTY
Hiya Kramer.
JERRY
We're in the middle of a discussion
here.
KRAMER
Oh yeah? What about?
HELEN
Jerry's upset we sold the Cadillac.
KRAMER
What'd you get for it?
MORTY
Jack Klompus gave us six grand.
Kramer whistles, impressed
JERRY
You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
Morty rises from the couch, taking a cheque out of his pocket.
MORTY
(trying to press the cheque on Jerry)
And we want you to have the
money.
JERRY
(getting worked up) I don't need the
money.
MORTY
What're you talking about? You had a
cheque bounce at the bodega.
JERRY
(animated) Oh, is that what this is
all about?! I bounce a cheque and
you sold a Cadillac?!
HELEN
Well, also, Jerry, we read an article
in the Sun Sentinel. (digs in
her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping) It says standup
comedy is not
what it used to be, what with def jam and all.
Helen passes the clipping to Jerry.
KRAMER
Yeah, that def jam is a force.
HELEN
Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things
about Bloomingdales'
executive training program.
JERRY
(sits on the back of the couch) Oh my
god.
KRAMER
Y'know you've given this comedy thing
your best shot. Yeah, you had
some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale
thing, that
could be the next wave.
Jerry lets out an exasperated groan, as Helen rubs his back.
(Fresh Roasted Coffee Store)
Jerry and Elaine have cups of coffee, George is ordering his
beans from the
guy behind the counter.
GEORGE
Uh, excuse me. Uh, pound of Arabian
mocha java, please.
The counterperson nods to George, and moves to fill the order.
ELAINE
So, you understand how my Peterman stock
options are gonna work?
GEORGE
I'm going to the bathroom.
George leaves.
ELAINE
Just, very interesting.
JERRY
Yeah, when it's your money, it's fascinating.
The guy behind the counter brings a bag of coffee over.
COUNTERPERSON
Arabian mocha java?
ELAINE
(looks for George) Mmm. (can't see him)
Oh, um, I got it.
Elaine takes the bag and pays for it.
JERRY
That Arabian is strong coffee.
ELAINE
It's PLO blend.
George rejoins the gang.
ELAINE
Ohh, I got your coffee.
Elaine proffers the bag to George. He takes it and reaches for
his pocket.
GEORGE
Oh Oh, here, lemme uh...
ELAINE
(waving away) Nah, nah, it's on me.
(looks at her watch) Aww, man.
Okay, listen guys, I'm gonna be late. (taking her cup of coffee)
I'll see
you, okay? (begins to walk away)
GEORGE
Yeah.
ELAINE
Bye.
GEORGE
Mmm.
Elaine leaves. Jerry moves to wander out of the store also, when
George
stops him.
GEORGE
You see what just happened here?
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
She treated me to the Arabian mocha
java.
JERRY
And you misinterpret this how?
GEORGE
She's stickin' it to me that she makes
more money than me.
JERRY
I'm sure she was just being nice, buying
you the coffee.
GEORGE
No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.
JERRY
You're crazy.
GEORGE
(worked up) Stickin' it to me, Jerry.
JERRY
George.
GEORGE
(angry) Stickin' it!
George walks off, pulling an angry face.
(Monk's)
Jerry and George sit in a booth.
GEORGE
So you're buying the car back for your
parents?
JERRY
I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow.
GEORGE
Your parents'll never let you do it.
JERRY
They lied to me about selling the car.
I'll lie to them about buying
it back. They think they can dump six grand on me? Think again.
GEORGE
What kind of money you think your parents
have?
JERRY
Excuse me?
GEORGE
I bet they have more money than mine.
JERRY
Come on, your parents have money.
GEORGE
You think?
JERRY
When did they ever spend any money?
GEORGE
Never.
JERRY
What are their living expenses?
GEORGE
Nothing.
JERRY
Where do they ever go on vacation?
GEORGE
Nowhere.
Jerry gives a little 'you do the math' shrug to George.
GEORGE
How much money d'you think they have?
JERRY
Few hundred grand?
GEORGE
(excited) You're saying I stand to inherit
three hundred thousand
dollars, is that what you're saying?!
JERRY
Course you may not see it for twenty
years.
GEORGE
Twenty years? That long?
JERRY
Does your father still eat bacon and
eggs every day?
GEORGE
Fortunately, yes.
JERRY
How's your family history?
GEORGE
I have an aunt that died at seven.
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
Aunt Baby.
(Elaine's Office)
Elaine sits behind her desk, in the big fancy office she gets
standing in
for Peterman as president. Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Elaine. Uh, you got a moment?
ELAINE
Yeah, Kramer, come on in.
KRAMER
I, uh, need to speak to you about some
lady problems.
Kramer sits in front of Elaine's desk.
ELAINE
(unsure) Oh-kay.
KRAMER
(a little anxious) You know, after I
have sex with Emily, uh, I
don't want her in the bed any more.
ELAINE
Ah.
KRAMER
Yeah, because she's throwing off my
whole sleep. She's got the jimmy
legs.
ELAINE
(confused) Jimmy legs?
Kramer raises one leg and judders it in the air, as illustration.
KRAMER
Jimmy leg.
ELAINE
(grasping the concept) Ohh.
KRAMER
So, uh, well, maybe I should just be
honest with her, huh?
ELAINE
Tell her after sex, you just want her
outta there?
KRAMER
Well, I'd say it nicely.
ELAINE
I don't think so.
KRAMER
Well, you know, I really like this girl
and I, you know, I think if
I could just work out this one thing...
ELAINE
(interrupting) Yeah. I gotta be honest
with you Kramer. You might be
more than just a coupla tweaks away from a healthy relationship.
KRAMER
Well you're not exactly zeroing in yourself,
lady.
ELAINE
(pointing to the door, angry) Alright,
get out.
Kramer starts to move, and thumps his knee on the underside of
the desk. He
rises and begins to head for the door.
ELAINE
(impatient) Get out!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Morty and Helen sit on the couch, watching TV and doing a crossword,
respectively. Jerry enters from the bedroom, carrying a suitcase.
JERRY
So listen, I gotta go down to Atlantic
City. I'm performing at
Bally's.
MORTY
You just heard about this today?
JERRY
(pulling on a jacket) They had a cancellation
and they instantly
called me.
HELEN
Who cancelled?
JERRY
Carrot Top. I told you, my career's
fine.
(The Costanza Home, Queens)
George and his parents are seated at the table in the kitchen,
eating a meal
of spaghetti.
GEORGE
I been, uh, thinking about the family.
Tell me, uh, about Aunt Baby.
FRANK
(looks up to heaven) She's deceased.
GEORGE
(glances upwards) Yeah. Uhm, why did
she die so young?
FRANK
(looks to Estelle) She had problems.
(Estelle nods) Internal.
GEORGE
Is that common in our family?
ESTELLE
Well, your uncle Moe, he died a young
man.
FRANK
Also internal problems.
ESTELLE
It's that temper on your side. They're
yelling and yelling, and
then one day, they're all gone.
FRANK
What about your side? Your cousin Hennie.
(animated) She was sickly
from the moment I met her!
ESTELLE
(shouts) Don't you talk about Hennie!
GEORGE
I guess you two are the lucky ones.
FRANK
So far.
ESTELLE
Frank, if Aunt Baby were alive today,
how old would she be?
FRANK
She'd never make it.
George thinks a little and looks hopeful.
(Monk's)
Kramer and Emily sit at a table. Emily looks a little angry.
EMILY
So let me get this straight. You enjoy
the lovemaking...
KRAMER
Shh, shh.
EMILY
(quieter) Well, do you?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, like strawberry pie.
EMILY
Okay, but you have a problem sharing
a bed with me?
KRAMER
I know it's not what the ladies like.
But without some solid sack
time, I'm a zombie.
EMILY
I don't know.
KRAMER
(pleading) Aww, c'mon, man. Meet me
halfway.
EMILY
You're not easy, Kramer.
KRAMER
I know.
(Animation)
On a map of the East Coast of the US, a long red arrow appears
from New York
to Del Boca Vista.
(Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista)
Jerry sits on a chair as Jack, standing, speaks.
JACK
So, to what do I owe the pleasure of
this, unannounced, visit?
JERRY
I wanna buy back the Cadillac.
JACK
You wanna buy it back? Why, you go drugs
hidden in the trunk?
Jack chuckles at his own joke. Jerry stares back at him, unamused.
JACK
I'm kidding.
JERRY
(reaching into his pocket) Alright,
I'll give you nine thousand for
it.
Jerry puts is chequebook on the table
JACK
Nine thousand for a Cadillac? It's got
no miles on it.
JERRY
You bought it for six!
JACK
You're not me.
JERRY
(standing) How much d'you want for it?
JACK
The Kelly blue book value. Twenty-two
thousand dollars.
Jerry pulls a 'you have to be kidding' face.
JERRY
Fourteen thousand.
JACK
Done. But, I get to drive it tomorrow,
because Doris wants to go to
Naples.
Jerry starts to write the cheque, but his pen is obviously not
working
properly. Jack pulls out his own pen (the astronaut pen from
'The Pen') and
offers it to Jerry.
JACK
Need a pen?
Jerry scribbles with his pen, to try and encourage it, but to
no avail. He
looks to Jack, who's holding out his pen.
JACK
Still works.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Morty and Helen are by the counter, as Kramer comes in.
KRAMER
Hey, where's Jerry?
HELEN
He's performing at Bally's in Atlantic
City.
KRAMER
Aw, okay. (picks up the phone and starts
dialling) Yeah, I need his
shoeshine kit. (still dialling) He always hides it from me. (puts
the phone
to his ear and waits for a second or two) Yeah, Bally's? Yeah,
Jerry
Seinfeld's room, please.
MORTY
You know that number?
KRAMER
I used to have a problem. (into phone)
Well, what d'you mean, he's
not registered? Wha..S, E, I, N, V...
HELEN
F. F, E, L , D.
KRAMER
...F, E, L, D. (half-laughing) Well,
I think you're wrong. (listens)
Alright, you have a lucky day, too.
Kramer rings off.
HELEN
He's not there?
KRAMER
No, they never heard of him.
Kramer puts down the phone, and walks off to look for the shoeshine
kit.
Morty and Helen exchange worried looks.
(Restaurant)
George, Elaine and Jerry's parents sit at a table in a fancy
restaurant.
ELAINE
This is so nice of you to take us all
out to dinner, George.
GEORGE
(oozing fake sincerity) Well, as much
as I enjoy all the
good-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending
money on
the people I care about.
HELEN
Where's Jerry?
GEORGE
Oh, he'll be here. By the way, Elaine,
(reaches under the table and
brings out a large coffee machine) thank you for laying out for
the Arabian
mocha java.
George puts the gift in front of Elaine.
ELAINE
George, you didn't have to do this.
I'm president of a big company.
I can afford to buy you coffee.
MORTY
(surprised) President?
ELAINE
Yeah.
Jerry enters, with his bag over his shoulder.
GEORGE
Hey look, he's back.
JERRY
I got your message, (sitting) so I came
straight from Atlantic City.
HELEN
Jerry, Kramer called Bally's. You weren't
registered.
JERRY
(extemporising) Well, I can't stay under
my own name. I was
registered under Slappy White.
Helen looks unconvinced. A spiffily-dressed Frank and Estelle
enter the
restaurant and are spotted by George.
GEORGE
Mom? Dad?
ESTELLE
Well, look who's here. Hello, Seinfelds.
Morty half-nods a greeting.
GEORGE
Wh..what're you doing here?
FRANK
We're having an upscale dinner.
GEORGE
What?
ESTELLE
Well, after talking to you, we realised
we may not have much time
left.
FRANK
So, we're blowing it all.
George looks unhappy at this news.
FRANK
(holding out his tie) Look George, it's
a Pierre Cardin.
(Emily's Apartment)
Once again, Kramer and Emily are basking in the afterglow.
KRAMER
That was alright.
EMILY
Yeah.
They both lie still for a few seconds.
KRAMER
(abruptly) Well, I'll see you.
Kramer climbs quickly out of the bed to leave.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Morty, dressed in exercise gear, emerges from the bedroom. He
is carrying
the travel gym. He creeps across the room, so as not to wake
Jerry, who is
asleep on the couch, quietly opens the door and slips outside.
(Kramer's Apartment/Hallway)
Kramer is asleep in his bed, when something wakes him. He can
hear a
thumping and a rattling sound. Kramer turns over and looks across
at his
door, to see the handle turning, as if someone outside were trying
to open
it. A look of horror comes to Kramer's face.
Outside in the hallway, Morty has his travel gym attached to
Kramer's
doorknob. As he pulls on the arrangement of cords and pulleys,
they in turn
pull at the doorknob.
Inside Kramer's apartment, a terrified Kramer pulls the blankets
over his
head and lies quivering underneath.
(Jerry's Apartment/Florida)
Morty and Helen are eating at the table. The phone rings and
Jerry answers.
JERRY
Hello.
A dishevelled and muddy Jack Klompus is on the other end of the
line, using
a cellular phone somewhere outdoors in Florida.
JACK
(shouting like there's a bad line) Jerry,
I had a little mishap with
the car.
The front portion of the Cadillac is submerged in a swamp, with
the tail end
pointed upwards.
JACK
I'm down here in alligator alley. You
better get down here.
Jerry tries not to give anything away to his parents.
JERRY
(quiet) Huh. Alright.
Jerry puts down the phone and moves towards the bedroom.
HELEN
Who was that?
JERRY
(extemporising) That was the Golden
Nugget. Also in Atlantic City.
They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want
me for
tonight. So I'll have to repack, and go.
Jerry leaves to the bedroom. Helen and Morty don't look convinced
by Jerry's
spiel. They talk quietly so's Jerry can't hear in the next room.
MORTY
That didn't sound like the Golden Nugget.
HELEN
I'm worried. What happens if we have
to support Jerry?
MORTY
I'd have to go back to work.
HELEN
Where would you work?
MORTY
Maybe I should talk to Elaine.
(Elaine's Office)
Elaine sits behind her desk, interviewing a smartly dressed Morty.
ELAINE
Well, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I
understand why you want a job
here.
MORTY
What's not to understand?
ELAINE
Well, for one thing, you live in Florida.
MORTY
I'm very comfortable working outta the
house. I have a phone, we have
a Kinko's nearby. You know, I think that my resume speaks for
itself.
ELAINE
(looking around her desk) Where is your
resume?
MORTY
I don't have it. I'll mail you one.
ELAINE
Alright, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind
of position did you have in
mind?
MORTY
You sell clothes here, don't you?
ELAINE
Yeah.
MORTY
Well, I sold raincoats in the garment
centre for thirty-eight years.
In nineteen forty-nine...
ELAINE
(interrupting) Alright. Alright, alright.
You come in tomorrow,
we'll find something for you to do.
MORTY
You won't regret this, Miss Benes. What
time should I be in? I get up
at four, I could be here as early as four twenty-five.
ELAINE
Uhm...
Peterman enters the office.
PETERMAN
(upbeat) Oh, Elaine, this dry air is
curing me like a Black Forest
ham.
Peterman strides across the office to another door.
ELAINE
(stunned) Mr Peterman. You're back.
Peterman goes through the other door, and closes it behind him.
Elaine,
stands, her mouth agape in shock.
MORTY
Who's Mr Fancy?
(Emily's Apartment)
Kramer and Emily in bed again.
KRAMER
(hesitant) I uh, I was thinking maybe
I should spend the night.
EMILY
Aww, that's sweet, but actually I, I
think I'd prefer it if you left.
KRAMER
(surprise) What?
EMILY
You were completely right. I sleep so
much better when I'm alone.
(pause) And you scream in your sleep.
KRAMER
I do?
Kramer looks intensely nervous.
KRAMER
(fearful) There was a man, he was trying
to get into my apartment
last night. He was jiggling the doorknob for twenty-five minutes.
EMILY
C'mon, it was probably the wind.
KRAMER
No, no, no. It was a fearless cat burglar.
(pleading) Now listen,
you gotta let me sleep here, huh? Y'know, I'll stay here on my
side, and
I'll stuff a sock in my mouth. (panicky) 'Cos I don't wanna sleep
alone.
EMILY
(adamant) Well, I do.
(Animation)
Another arrow is drawn from New York to Del Boca Vista.
(Street, Del Boca Vista)
A tow truck has hauled the Cadillac out of the swamp and back
to Del Boca
Vista. It's plastered with mud and filth over its entire length.
Jack
Klompus stands beside it, still mud-spattered. Jerry climbs out
of a cab.
JACK
What took you so long?
JERRY
I live in New York. (slams the cab door)
What the hell happened?
The cab drives away.
JACK
This thing is a, is a behemoth.
JERRY
What did you do?
JACK
I was, I was making a, a simple lane
change. I, I put on the blinker
and it took off on me. And the next thing you know, I was submerged.
I'm
telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get
me.
Jerry opens the door of the Cadillac and a torrent of muddy water
containing
a couple of catfish spills out over his feet.
JERRY
(exasperation) You are such an idiot.
Well, we gotta get the car
cleaned up for my parents.
JACK
(shrugging) Do whatever you want. It's
your car.
JERRY
My car? You drove it into the swamp!
JACK
It drove itself into the swamp! Besides,
I think I lost my pen, too.
JERRY
(smiling with pleasure) You know, that
almost makes this all
worthwhile.
(The Costanza Home, Queens)
Frank and Estelle sit in the living room as George walks in from
the front
door.
GEORGE
(pointing outside) Why is there a Cadillac
parked in front of the
house?
FRANK
That's your mother's new car.
GEORGE
You bought that?
FRANK
It's a Coupe de Elegance.
ESTELLE
Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I
won't ride in a German car.
George looks like he's going to say something, but then the door
to the
kitchen opens and Kramer walks in, wearing a dressing gown and
pyjamas and
carrying a mug of coffee. He slaps George on the back.
KRAMER
Mornin'.
Kramer walks round the stunned George, and sits on the couch.
KRAMER
Oh, boy.
GEORGE
What the hell is going on here?
KRAMER
I had some trouble at my place, so I
need a little company at night
to sleep.
ESTELLE
George, your mother and I, and Kramer
(holds Kramer's hand) have
been talking.
GEORGE
(dread) Oh god.
KRAMER
Uh, George, your parents can't blow
through their savings in this
community. It's low-rent. Now, we feel that Florida is really
the place
where they should be.
FRANK
(claps his hands) You can drop a grand
in Disneyworld, like that.
GEORGE
Wait a minute. (astonished) You're thinking
of moving to Florida
again?!
ESTELLE
Well, it's either that or we stay here,
near you, and just sit on
the money. What do you think we should do, Georgie?
George looks surprised, confused and thoughtful, all at the same
time.
(Peterman's Office)
Peterman sits behind his desk in the office which was, until
recently,
Elaine's. Employees sit around the desk, including Morty and
Elaine, who
sits depressed at the end of the desk.
PETERMAN
So, anyway, effective immediately, Miss
Benes will return to her
old position, at her original salary...
Elaine does a double take at this, and looks unhappy.
PETERMAN
...and I, of course, will return to
mine. Kudos, Elaine, on a
job... done.
ELAINE
(hardly daring to ask) What about my
stock options?
PETERMAN
I think not.
Elaine puts a hand to her head and sighs.
PETERMAN
Now, down to business. (thoughtful)
I have had this vision of a
diaphanous rum-runner scarf.
The employees take notes.
ELAINE
Well, we could fly some fabric in from
our silk factories, for about
a thousand dollars a bolt.
MORTY
(shocked) A thousand?! I know a coupla
Chinamen over there on
Forty-third Street, who'll do it for half that.
ELAINE
(tactful) It's, ah, Asian-Americans.
MORTY
What?
PETERMAN
(puzzled) Who are you?
ELAINE
Don't worry, I...
MORTY
Morty Seinfeld. I cut velvet for forty
years with Harry Altman.
ELAINE
Okay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t...
PETERMAN
Elaine, did you hire this man?
ELAINE
(worried) No, no. Well, I mean, you
know, he's more like an intern,
you know, at best.
(Monk's)
George and Elaine sit in a booth.
ELAINE
So, if your parents move to Florida,
you're poor.
GEORGE
(pointing out the positive) But happy.
ELAINE
Obviously. And if they stay, you're
rich, but...
Elaine gestures with her hand.
GEORGE
Obviously.
ELAINE
Quite a dilemma. You know, I have a
bit of a dilemma of my own.
GEORGE
No, no. No, no, no. (determined) We're
staying on me. We haven't
solved anything yet.
ELAINE
Alright, this is easy. Let 'em go.
GEORGE
What d'you mean, let 'em go? They're
spending all my money.
ELAINE
Alright, well, then they stay. Lemma
ask you something...
GEORGE
(upset) Could you put a little thought
into this? Jerry's gone, you
could humour me. He humours me.
ELAINE
Speaking of Jerry, his father is driving
me so crazy down at
Peterman's.
GEORGE
You know what I do at the Yankees, when
one of these old guys is
breathing down my neck?
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
You schedule a late meeting.
ELAINE
(puzzlement) Huh? What does that do?
GEORGE
These old guys, they're up at 4 a.m.,
by two thirty they're wiped.
(animated) How did we get back onto you?!
ELAINE
(grabbing her bag and coat) I gotta
split.
Elaine gets up and leaves.
GEORGE
(shouted after Elaine) You know, I got
nothing outta this!
(The Costanza Home, Queens)
Kramer, wrapped in a quilt enters the Costanza's bedroom. Frank
enters from
the bathroom, drying his hands with a towel.
KRAMER
Hey Frank, you got two beds in here.
FRANK
That's right. That's me on the left.
KRAMER
So, you sleep in separate beds.
FRANK
Thirty years ago, we came to an agreement.
It was the only way I
could get some rest.
KRAMER
(intrigued) Really?
FRANK
(confidential) Estelle's got the (jerks
his elbow) jimmy arms.
KRAMER
You can get that in your arms?
FRANK
Like you wouldn't believe.
(Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista)
A grubby Jerry sits at the table, with Jack hovering over him.
JACK
Jerry, it's getting late. You've cleaned
up the car. You've made all
your phone calls. Why are you still here?
JERRY
Well, I uh, maxed out my credit cards,
and I don't have enough cash
for a hotel room. So...
JACK
You are uh, thinking of staying here?
JERRY
Well...
JACK
(laughing) You've got some nerve. I
almost break my neck in that
death-trap of yours, and now you ask me for a favour!
JERRY
You didn't like that crack about the
pen.
JACK
I did not.
(The Costanza Home, Queens)
George and his parents sit at the kitchen table, while Kramer
does some
washing up in the sink.
GEORGE
Well, I've given this a lot of thought,
and I've gotta say...
George is distracted momentarily by Kramer clattering dishes.
He gives
Kramer a look and continues.
GEORGE
(attempting sincerity) As much as I'd
like to see the two of you
living it up in a warm, tropical, setting, I, I would just miss
you too
much. (smiling) So, I've decided, I want you to stay.
FRANK
It's too late. We bought a condo at
Del Boca Vista. We're leaving
tonight.
Estelle and Frank smile at each other.
GEORGE
(crestfallen) But you said it was my
call.
ESTELLE
We were just being nice.
George looks crushed.
ESTELLE
(motherly concern) Cosmo, are you sure
you're gonna be alright here
alone?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, yeah. I got Emily coming over
tonight.
GEORGE
(animated) You're letting him have a
woman over?!
FRANK
He's not family. It's different, psychologically.
Kramer is examining the label on a wine bottle, as George turns
to look at
him. He gives George a little smile.
(Peterman's Office)
The employees, including Elaine and Morty, sit round Peterman's
desk as he
waxes lyrical about his adventures. Morty looks impatient, glancing
at his
watch as Peterman speaks.
PETERMAN
And so, I made an explosive out of chick
peas, and I stopped that
great rhino right in his tracks.
MORTY
Well, it's getting kinda late, why don't
we uh...
ELAINE
Mr Peterman, that can't have been the
only time that you faced
mortal danger.
PETERMAN
(smiles and laughs) Ha ha ha. Funny
you should ask, Elaine.
MORTY
Look, if we're gonna stay here until
all hours of the night, can we
at least get some food here?
PETERMAN
(looks at his watch) It's only five
fifteen. So, later on that
same day, I developed a great hankering for some wild honey...
MORTY
(standing) Okay, I'm done. I'll be back
in the morning, when he's
close to finish with his story.
Morty heads for the door. Peterman's voice brings him to a halt.
PETERMAN
Morty. My stories are what sell these
clothes.
MORTY
Cheap fabric, and dim lighting. That's
how you move merchandise.
PETERMAN
(winks) Morty, you're out.
MORTY
(unconcerned) Ach, I never knew what
the hell I was peddling with
those stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway.
Morty walks out, leaving a not entirely unhappy Elaine behind.
(Animation)
An arrow is drawn on the East Coast map, this time from Queens
to Del Boca
Vista.
(Street, Del Boca Vista)
Frank walks along the sidewalk, past a familiar looking Cadillac.
Something
catches his eye, and he looks into the car. A figure is asleep
on the back
seat with his face covered. Frank 'gives a what is the world
coming to' look
and throws up his hands as he walks away.
After he leaves, the figure shifts in his sleep, turning over.
It's Jerry,
sleeping in his parent's Cadillac.
(The Costanza Home, Queens)
Kramer stands in the doorway of the bathroom, while Emily sits
on Estelle's
bed, reading a paperback.
KRAMER
I don't know why I let you talk me into
that corned beef at
Snitzer's.
EMILY
(not looking up from her book) No-one
held a gun to your head.
KRAMER
(dismissive) Yeah.
EMILY
(still reading) Don't forget, we're
eating dinner at the Feinerman's
tomorrow night.
KRAMER
(moody) Oh, why do I have to go? They're
your friends.
EMILY
You like 'em.
KRAMER
I've had it with 'em.
Kramer disappears into the bathroom.
EMILY
Then we won't go.
Kramer reemerges with a glass of water.
KRAMER
(yielding) Okay, okay. What time?
EMILY
Eight thirty.
Kramer downs the glass of water in one go, and then belches.
KRAMER
(satisfied) Ahh. That was alright.
Emily smiles at him, then returns to her book.
(Monk's)
Jerry, George and Elaine sit in a booth. Jerry drinking coffee,
George
eating and Elaine reading from the pages of a newspaper.
ELAINE
'One bright note in today's market,
was the stock of retailer J
Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of
twelve and a
half points.'
Elaine folds the paper and drops it on the table.
JERRY
Mmm-mmm-mmm. That means, if you still
had those stock options...
ELAINE
(downcast) Yeah.
GEORGE
(Jerry-style) That's a shame.
ELAINE
(sharp) What, are you sticking it to
me?
GEORGE
(innocent) What?
ELAINE
I think you're sticking it to me.
JERRY
Elaine, I'm sure George is just being
sympathetic.
ELAINE
(leaning forward and accusing) Stickin'
it!
George doesn't meet Elaine's stare.
JERRY
You're not alone. I'm practically broke.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
No. But, I did blow over twenty thousand
on that Cadillac.
George takes another forkful of what's on his plate.
GEORGE
(relishing) Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Delicious.
JERRY
Well, you seem happy.
GEORGE
I am. The folks are twelve hundred miles
away. (gleeful) I'm basking
in the buffer zone. (looks for the waitress) 'Nother piece of
pie here!
ELAINE
So, were your parents shocked to see
the Cadillac?
JERRY
Actually, I haven't heard from 'em yet.
ELAINE
Hmm.
(Florida)
Morty and Helen sit on a couch, reading magazines.
MORTY
When are we gonna tell Jerry?
HELEN
I don't wanna worry him. We'll tell
him next time we go up.
MORTY
He thought he could buy back that Cadillac
for us? He's not getting
away with that.
It's revealed that the Seinfelds are in a trailer parked behind
the
Cadillac.
HELEN
Besides, that condo was too much house.
(The Costanza Home, Del Boca Vista)
Estelle is sitting on the couch in the condo, while Frank peers
out of the
window.
ESTELLE
How many times can you check the car?
FRANK
(coming away from the window) I saw
a bum sleeping in a Cadillac the
other day.
Frank sits in a chair.
ESTELLE
Why would someone break into a car to
take a nap?
FRANK
They don't nap. They make it their home.
They urinate in there!
ESTELLE
(shouts) You're driving me crazy!
FRANK
(standing) That's it, we're going back
to Queens. (claps hands)
Where's my hat?
Frank walks out of the room.
ESTELLE
(shouts) Nooh!
THE END
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