THE MUFFIN TOPS
Written by
Spike Feresten
(Jerry and George walking down the street.)
JERRY
Hang on just let me pick up a paper.
MAN
Excuse me. Would you mind watching my
bag for a minute?
GEORGE
Yeah. No problem.
JERRY
Let's go.
GEORGE
Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.
JERRY
For how long?
GEORGE
I'm sure he'll be back in a second.
JERRY
Come on.
GEORGE
Excuse me sir. Would you mind watching
my bag for a minute?
MAN 2
Why? So I can stand here like an idiot
not knowing if you'll ever come back?
Jerry starts to leave.
GEORGE
Where are you going?
JERRY
I'm going to be this guy's friend.
(Commercial)
Jerry and George at Monk's.
JERRY
New clothes?
GEORGE
Yeah. I did some shopping. Some new
clothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can
I borrow your menu?
JERRY
Strange. For new pants, there's noticable
wear on the buttocks of those chinos.
Wait those are the clothes from the
bag!
GEORGE
The guy never came back.
JERRY
He asked you to watch them not wear
them.
GEORGE
I'm still watching them.
JERRY
You look like a tourist.
GEORGE
All right, let me ask you something:
When do you start to worry about ear
hair?
JERRY
When you hear like a soft russeling.
GEORGE
It's like puberty that never stops.
Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty,
you gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you
this: Do you know where Walker Street
is downtown? I've got a league meeting
there.
JERRY
Oh right, the new job, how is it?
GEORGE
I love it. New office, new salary. I'm
the new Wilhelm.
JERRY
So who's the new you?
GEORGE
They got a new intern from Francis Louis
High. His name is Keith. He comes in
Mondays after school.
JERRY
Oh hi Alex.
ALEX
I'm sorry I'm late. Have you ordered
yet?
JERRY
No.
ALEX
I'll be right back.
GEORGE
Where are you meeting these women? When
they get off the bus at the port authority?
JERRY
Right here, George. In here. (pointing
to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll
find the biggest dating scene in the
world.
GEORGE
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Kramer searches in Jerry's couch
for something and picks it up. Elaine enters. Kramer hurriedly
puts the cushions back on the couch. (What was he looking for
anyway? Anything specific?)
KRAMER
Hey.
ELAINE
Hey.
KRAMER
Hi.
ELAINE
Where's Jerry?
KRAMER
Well he's in the shower. You want me
to get him?
ELAINE
No. No no. Actually I kind of need to
speak to you.
KRAMER
Well let's sit down.
ELAINE
Kramer, ahem, remember that whole deal
with you selling Peterman your stories
for his book and then he gave them back
to you?
KRAMER
Vaguely.
ELAINE
Well I was kind of, hehehe, short on
material and I, um, I put them in the
book anyway.
KRAMER
You put my life's stories in his autobiography?
ELAINE
Kramer listen, it is such a stupid book.
It doesn't matter.
KRAMER
Oh no. Sure. It matters. Wow. I've broken
through, huh. I'm part of popular culture
now. Listen I've got to thank Mr. Peterman.
ELAINE
He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks
this afternoon.
KRAMER
Waldenbooks? That's a major chain huh.
Kramer enters the bathroom.
KRAMER
He Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks.
JERRY
(yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't
want to live like this.
KRAMER
All right, let's go.
At Waldenbooks.
ELAINE
Mr. Lippman, how are you?
MR LIPPMAN
Well I'm not bad. Not bad.
ELAINE
What are you doing here?
MR LIPPMAN
I work for Pundant Publishishing. This
is our book.
ELAINE
Oh.
MR LIPPMAN
If you can call it that. Why is it every
half-wit and sitcom star has his own
book out now?
KRAMER
Hey buddy. Remember me?
MR PETERMAN
You're that gangly fellow we bought
the stories from.
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's
your name darling?
WOMAN
Who are you?
KRAMER
I'm the real Peterman.
MR PETERMAN
All right playtime's over.
KRAMER
Relax man. There's enough juice here
to keep us all fat and giggley.
WOMAN
I can't believe somebody pulled the
top off of this muffin.
ELAINE
That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like
the stumps.
MR LIPPMAN
So you just eat the tops.
ELAINE
Oh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy,
it's explosive, it's where the muffin
breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes
hand motions) does it's own thing. I'll
tell you. That's a million dollor idea
right there. Just sell the tops.
Two men forcefully pick Kramer up and push him out of the store.
KRAMER
I have a right to be here. These are
my fans. Hey you're hurting my elbow.
George is walking down the street looking down at his map. He
is bumping into people.
MAN 1
Try looking up hayseed.
MAN 2
You wanna sightsee? Get on a bus.
MARY ANNE
Please don't think all New Yorkers are
so rude.
GEORGE
Well actually I'm...
MARY ANNE
I'm Mary Anne. I work for the New York
Visitor's Center. Where are you visiting
from?
GEORGE
Little Rock, Arkensas.
MARY ANNE
Ooh.
Jerry is in his bathroom shaving. He thinks. He tilts the mirror
down.
JERRY
Hmm. That looks new.
He thinks some more. He picks up his razor.
KRAMER
So get this. Peterman has his henchmen
forcefully eject me from the book signing
like I'm some kind of a maniac.
JERRY
(uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad.
KRAMER
What's the matter with you?
JERRY
(uncomfortably) Nothing.
KRAMER
No, no, no. Don't give me that. I know
you. Something's wrong. What is it.
JERRY
I did something stupid.
KRAMER
What did you do?
JERRY
Well I was shaving. And I noticed an
asymmetry in my chest hair and I was
trying to even it out. Next thing I
knew, (high pitched voice) Gone.
KRAMER
Don't you know you're not supposed to
poke around down there.
JERRY
Well women do it.
KRAMER
(high pitched voice) "Well women do
it." I'll tell you what. I'll pick you
up a sundress and a parasol and you
can just (high pitched voice) sashey
your pretty little self around the town
square.
JERRY
Well what am I going to tell Alex?
KRAMER
Listen to me. You don't tell anybody
about this. No one. You hear me?
JERRY
Um hum.
George enters
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry shaved his chest.
JERRY
Hey!
KRAMER
I forgot. Wait. Never mind.
Jerry and Alex walking.
ALEX
How about the beach this weekend?
JERRY
You couldn't pay me enough to go to
the beach on a weekend. I mean it's
hard enough...
ALEX
All right. All right. Wow is that a
Mexican Hairless? Oh, I love those.
Ooh, Hairless. This is where it's at.
It's so much smoother and cleaner.
JERRY
Really?
Elaine walks into a muffin shop.
ELAINE
"Top of the Muffin to you!"?
MR. LIPPMAN
Top of the muffin to you. Elaine!
ELAINE
Mr Lippman?
George and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
So you're pretending to be a tourist?
GEORGE
It's beautiful. She makes all the plans.
I'm not from around here so it's okay
if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only
in town visiting so there's no messy
breakup
JERRY
How do you explain your apartment?
GEORGE
I got a hotel room.
JERRY
you moved into a hotel?
GEORGE
Well I don't know anyone here Jerry.
Where else am I going to stay?
JERRY
So get this: we're in the park today
Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
So. I figure since she likes one hairless
animal why not another.
GEORGE
Oh really. You tell her you shaved it?
JERRY
Are you nuts? I don't want her to think
I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys
who shaves his chest.
Kramer is in a school bus. He honks his horn. Camera shot down
on the bus.
KRAMER
(yelling up at Jerry) Hey Jerry.
Jerry pulls up the blinds on his upstairs window and looks down.
KRAMER
(yelling) I'm starting a Peterman Reality
Bus Tour. Check it out. Hahaha.
GEORGE
Reality tour?
JERRY
The last thing this guy's qualified
to give a tour of is reality.
Elaine at the muffin shop.
ELAINE
This was my idea you stole my idea.
MR. LIPPMAN
Elaine these ideas are all in the air.
They're in the air.
ELAINE
Well if that air is comming out of this
face then it is my air and my idea.
MR. LIPPMAN
You want a muffin or not?
ELAINE
Peach.
Gerge and Mary Anne at Monks.
MARY ANNE
So I notice you don't have much of an
accent.
GEORGE
Yeah my parents have it. Sometimes it
skips a generation.
MARY ANNE
Look george, I'm really enjoying spending
time with you but I'm not sure this
is going to work out. At some point
you're going back to your job at Tyler
Chicken and your three-legged dog Willie.
GEORGE
Willie. Yeah.
MARY ANNE
And I'm still going to be here.
GEORGE
Well what if I told you I'm thinking
of moving here?
MARY ANNE
(laughs) George, no offense. But this
city would eat you alive.
(Commercial)
JERRY
You're moving to New York? That's fantastic.
I can see you all the time now.
GEORGE
Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can
make it in *this* town.
JERRY
What is it she think you can't do?
GEORGE
Find a job. Get an apartment.
JERRY
How did you do those things?
GEORGE
Never mind. The're done. All I have
to do now is redo them. You know if
you take everything I've ever done in
my entire life and condense it down
into one day, it looks decent.
JERRY
Hey, what were you doing with that bus
yesterday?
KRAMER
Here you go, here you go, check it out.
JERRY
"The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour".
I'm confused.
KRAMER
Peterman's book is big business. People
want to know the stories behind the
stories.
JERRY
Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus
tour of a totally unknown person's life.
KRAMER
I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get
a pizza bagel and desert.
GEORGE
What's desert?
KRAMER
Bite-size Three Musketeers. Just like
the real Peterman eats.
GEORGE
He eats those?
KRAMER
No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.
GEORGE
I think I understand this. Jay Peterman
is real. His biography is not. Now,
you Kramer are real.
KRAMER
Talk to me.
GEORGE
But your life is Peterman's. Now the
bus tour, which is real, takes to places
that, while they are real, they are
not real in sense that they did not
*really* happen to the *real* Peterman
which is you.
KRAMER
Understand?
JERRY
Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
Elaine and Mr. Lippman at Monk's.
MR. LIPPMAN
Elaine. I'm in over my head. Nobody
likes my muffin tops.
ELAINE
So? What do you want me to do about
it?
MR. LIPPMAN
You're the muffin top expert, tell me
what I'm doing wrong.
ELAINE
Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at
Pendent Publishing, I believed in you,
you know as a man of integrity. But,
I saw you in that paper hat and that
aprin...
ELAINE
Deal. Here's your problem. You're making
just the muffin tops. You've gotta make
the *whole* muffin. Then you... Pop
the top, toss the stump. Taste.
MR. LIPPMAN
Ah. (takes a bite of the top.) Mmmmm.
Ah hah?
ELAINE
Yeah.
MR. LIPPMAN
So what do we with the bottoms?
ELAINE
I don't know, give em to a soup kitchen.
MR. LIPPMAN
That's a good idea.
ELAINE
And one more thing, you really think
we need the exclamation point? Because,
it's not "Top of the Muffin *TO YOU!!!*"
MR. LIPPMAN
No. No. It is.
At Jerry's apartment.
KRAMER
Hey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette?
What's going on?
JERRY
What? Can't I get a moment's peace?
KRAMER
What are you doing to yourself?
Jerry walks into camera view with his chest covered with shaving
cream.
JERRY
I can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally
hairless.
KRAMER
You can't keep this up. Don't you know
what's going to happen? Everytime you
shave it, it's going to come in thicker
and fuller and darker.
JERRY
Oh that's an old wives tale.
KRAMER
Is it? Look at this.
Kramer walks off-screen and opens his shirt. On-screen, Jerry
reels from the sight.
KRAMER
(high pitched voice) Look at it! Look
at it! And it's all me. I shaved there
when I was a lifeguard.
JERRY
Oh come on. That's genetics. That's
not going to happen to me.
KRAMER
Won't it? Or is it already starting
to happen?
Elain at the muffin shop.
ELAINE
Wow. Look at this. We're cleaning up.
Lippman Oh, Rubin, get me another tray of lowfat cranberry.
REBECCA
Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the
homeless shelter.
ELAINE
Oh, hi.
REBECCA
Are you the ones leaveing the muffing
pieces behind our shelter?
ELAINE
You been enjoying them?
REBECCA
They're just stumps.
ELAINE
Well they're perfectly edible.
REBECCA
Oh, so you just assume that the homeless
will eat them, they'll eat anything?
MR. LIPPMAN
No no, we just thought...
REBECCA
I know what you thought. They don't
have homes, they don't have jobs, what
do they need the top of a muffin for?
They're lucky to get the stumps.
ELAINE
If the homeless don't like them the
homeless don't have to eat them.
REBECCA
The homeless don't like them.
ELAINE
Fine.
REBECCA
We've never gotten so many complaints.
Every two minutes, "Where is the top
of this muffin? Who ate the rest of
this?"
ELAINE
We were just trying to help.
REBECCA
Why don't you just drop off some chicken
skins and lobster shells.
ELAINE
I think I might.
Mary Anne and George at George's "new" apartment.
MARY ANNE
I can't believe you found something
so quickly. How much you pay?
GEORGE
$2300.
MARY ANNE
Ouch. A month?
GEORGE
Yeah.
MARY ANNE
Well, guess that's all right for now,
but if you say here for more than a
few months, you're a real sucker.
GEORGE
Yeah, well I uh got lots of other stuff
to show you too. Wait till you see the
plum job that I landed.
MARY ANNE
Yeah. We should let this place air out
anyway. It smells like the last tenant
had monkeys or something.
Mary Anne exits. George sniffs his armpit.
On Kramer's bus.
KRAMER
Comming up on the right, if you glance
up you can just make out my bedroom
window. It's the one that's covered
in chicken wire.
WOMAN
Hey if you're the real Peterman, who
come you're wearing those ratty clothes?
The're not very romantic.
KRAMER
(over the speaker) Well that's your
opinion.
MAN 1
Can I have another Three Musketeers?
They're rather small.
KRAMER
Forget it. Okay Newman's postal route
is around here somewhere.
MAN 2
Who's Newman?
MAN 3
Who cares.
MAN 4
Hey fake Peterman, let me off. I'm nautious.
MAN 1
Can I have his candy bar?
KRAMER
Ahh. Everyone just settle down. We have
three hours left on this thing, and
I can't drive and argue with you rubes
all at the same time.
Okay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here.
At Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Why do I have to go on the tour?
KRAMER
Jerry you're a minor celebrity. If you
go on this thing, it could create a
minor stir. Bring that girlfriend of
your and I'll only charge to 60 bucks.
Elaine enters
JERRY
Hey, how's business?
ELAINE
Ooh, I've got stump troubles. The Sanitation
Department won't get rid of them all,
I can't get a truck to haul this stuff
until next week. Meanwhile, I'm sitting
on a mountain of stumps.
KRAMER
All right, I've got to hose the puke
off the floor of the bus.
ELAINE
Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute, bus?
You've got a bus?
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
You got any room on that thing?
KRAMER
Yeah there are a few seats still available.
ELAINE
Do you think you could transport some
stumps for me? I'll make it worth your
while.
KRAMER
Well, if they don't mind sitting in
the back.
ELAINE
No they don't.
KRAMER
Are they war veterans?
Elaine looks at him confused.
In George's office.
MARY ANNE
Wow this is your office.
MR. STEINBRENNER
Woah. Hello. Sorry George, didn't know
you got a girl in here. Give me a signal
on the doornob like a necktie or a sock
or something. Come on George, help me
out.
MARY ANNE
Mr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank
you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor
at Tyler Chicken like our boy George
here.
MR. STEINBRENNER
Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?
GEORGE
Yes. Very nice to have had her to mention...
(starting to leave)
MR. STEINBRENNER
Wait a minute George.
GEORGE
Be right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner.
MR. STEINBRENNER
Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty
impressive George. Days with the New
York Yankees and nights in Arkensas
with a top flight bird outlet. And a
hen supervisor to boot. I am blown.
Bloooown away. Blown George. (vibration
in the "o"'s) Bloooooooooooooooooooown.
On Kramer's bus.
ALEX
You know when you make a pizza bagel,
you really shouldn't use cinnimon rasin.
JERRY
You also shouldn't use a donut.
Kramer gets on the bus. He starts the tape player playing banjo
music.
KRAMER
All right ladies and gentlemen. Welcome
to the Peterman Reality Tour...
TAPE PLAYER
Turn music off.
JERRY
Can we just go?
KRAMER
And go we will.
MAN
What is this? A piece of pound cake?
KRAMER
We have a bonus reality stop today.
We will be hauling muffin stumps to
the local repository.
MAN 2
We're going to a garbage dump?
KRAMER
And we're off.
JERRY
You know I never though he would be
able to recreate the experience of actually
knowing him, but this is pretty close.
Mr. Steinbrenner is sitting at his desk on the phone with the
manager at Tyler chicken who is also sitting at his desk.
MR. STEINBRENNER
(the back of his head to the camera)
John Tyler? George Steinbreener here.
I want to talk about George Castanza.
I understand he's been dividing his
time between us and you. I cannot have
that.
JOHN TYLER
(the back of his head also to the camera)
Well I don't know who he is but if you
want him that bad I'm not giving him
up that easily.
MR. STEINBRENNER
Oh is that so. Playing a little hardball
huh Jonnyboy?
JOHN TYLER
How about this. You give me Castanza,
I convert your concessions to all chicken
no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken
dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists.
Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.
MR. STEINBRENNER
How do you make that alcoholic chicken?
JOHN TYLER
Let if ferment, just like everything
else.
MR. STEINBRENNER
That stuff sounds great. All right.
I'll have Costanza on the next bus.
Kramer at a garbage dump carrying a garbage bag.
MAN
Hey hey hey hey hey. Where do you think
you're going?
KRAMER
I was going to dump this.
MAN
It doesn't look like garbage.
KRAMER
Well it's muffin stumps
MAN
Where are the muffin tops?
KRAMER
This is a garbage dump. Just let me
dump it.
MAN
Can't do it.
KRAMER
Is this a joke?
MAN
That's what I'd like to know about it.
ALEX
You have a pretty heavy beard, don't
you?
JERRY
What's that?
ALEX
Well look it's almost time for you to
shave again.
JERRY
Oh. Yeah.
KRAMER
(gets back on the bus, yelling) Well
maybe I will take it up with Consumer
Affairs.
Ladies and Gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. We're
going to extend the tour at no extra charge.
MAN
Where are we going?
KRAMER
(looking at a map) I don't know. (over
the speaker) Uh, no more questions.
Banjo music plays as they look for garbage dumps.
Next scene. Kramer argues with someone at a dump.
Next scene. A man vomits on the floor.
Next scene. Kramer is driving. He is sleepy. His head nods down
onto the horn. The horn blows. Startled, Kramer sits back up.
Banjo music finishes.
WAITRESS
So, the New York Yankees traded you
for a bunch of Tyler chicken.
GEORGE
Dogs, twists, a kind of fermented chicken
drink.
MAN
Hey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch
my clothes?
GEORGE
What clothes?
MAN
These clothes. The ones you're wearing.
On Kramer's bus.
JERRY
(in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer
how much longer? My chest hair is comming
back and it's itching me like crazy.
I can't let her see me scratch it.
KRAMER
Don't worry. I've got a good feeling
about this dump.
JERRY
I'm telling you man, I'm losing it.
Kramer gets off the bus, carrying a garbage bag.
Eerie music is playing. Jerry looks out the bus window at a full
moon. A dog starts barking.
JERRY
I can't sit on this bus anymore. I think
I'll go play with that dog.
KRAMER
I don't know where the tops are.
Jerry runs past Kramer and another person. Eerie music still
playing.
KRAMER
Jerry what's the matter?
In slow motion Jerry runs into the woods. At normal speed he
runs behind a tree. Camera shot down on him as he starts scratching
his chest.
JERRY
(for the first half of the howl, a dog
howls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo,
that feels good.
(Commercial)
BARTENDER
Hey, you looking for George?
MARY ANNE
Yeah.
BARTENDER
He's been in the bathroom awhile. You
might want to check on him.
GEORGE
(talking on the phone) Jerry you gotta
bring me some clothes down here. I lost
my job with the Yankees. I'm standing
in the men's room on 43rd street in
my underpants.
MARY ANNE
I told you this city would eat you alive.
At the muffin shop.
MR. LIPPMAN
What is this guy again?
ELAINE
They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems
go away.
Newman enters.
NEWMAN
Hello Elaine. Where are they?
ELAINE
In the back.
NEWMAN
All right, I'm going to need a clean
8 ounce glass.
MR. LIPPMAN
What is going on here?
NEWMAN
If I'm curt, then I appologize. But
as I understand it, we have a situation
here and time is of the essence.
Newman goes to the back room with the muffin stumps and sets
down a cooler and an empty glass. From the cooler he takes out
4 bottles of milk and sets them down.
THE END
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