THE OPPOSITE
Written by
Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan
(Comedy club)
JERRY
It is pretty hard to justify, at this
point in history, the existence of men
and their
handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it,
and then put it back
in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous,
yup, I've got
everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just
proud of anything
that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to
them. What is the
source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the
breast pocket of our
jacket. "I have a snot rag."
We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut
to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are
toasting in champagne.
MR. LIPPMAN
To your promotion.
ELAINE
Oh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank
you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you
how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.
MR LIPPMAN
Well, you're really on your way now.
Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently.
ELAINE
You really oughtta do something about
that cold.
(Monk's)
JERRY
You got a raise?
ELAINE
I don't fool around, baby!
JERRY
I thought you said Pendant was in financial
trouble.
ELAINE
They were, but they're being absorbed
by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.
JERRY
Oh, when did that happen?
ELAINE
They're signing the papers next week.
JERRY
Does this mean they're gonna be publishing
Kramer's coffee table book?
ELAINE
Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.
JERRY
Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion,
plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.
ELAINE
Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking
about moving in together.
JERRY
Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure
Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud
of you.
Enter George
JERRY
Speaking of having it all ... Where
were you?
GEORGE
I went to the beach. ( J and E exchange
looks )
JERRY
Oh, the beach.
GEORGE
It's not working, Jerry. It's just not
working.
JERRY
What is it that isn't working?
GEORGE
Why did it all turn out like this for
me? I had so much promise. I was personable,
I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically
speaking, but ... I was perceptive.
I always know when someone's uncomfortable
at a party. It became very clear to
me sitting out there today, that every
decision I've ever made, in my entire
life, has been wrong. My life is the
opposite of everything I want it to
be. Every instinct I have, in every
of life, be it something to wear, something
to eat ... It's all been wrong.
( A waitress comes up to G )
WAITRESS
Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
GEORGE
Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always
have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked
out for me with tuna on toast. I want
the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken
salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup
of tea.
ELAINE
Well, there's no telling what can happen
from this.
JERRY
You know chicken salad is not the opposite
of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna,
'cos salmon swim against the current,
and the tuna swim with it.
GEORGE
Good for the tuna.
( A blonde looks at George )
ELAINE
Ah, George, you know, that woman just
looked at you.
GEORGE
So what? What am I supposed to do?
ELAINE
Go talk to her.
GEORGE
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and
no money, who live with their parents,
don't approach strange women.
JERRY
Well here's your chance to try the opposite.
Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated
by women, chicken salad and going right
up to them.
GEORGE
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
JERRY
If every instinct you have is wrong,
then the opposite would have to be right.
GEORGE
Yes, I will do the opposite. I used
to sit here and do nothing, and regret
it for the rest of the day, so now I
will do the opposite, and I will do
something!
( He goes over to the woman )
GEORGE
Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice
that you were looking in my direction.
VICTORIA
Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the
same exact lunch as me.
( G takes a deep breath )
GEORGE
My name is George. I'm unemployed and
I live with my parents.
VICTORIA
I'm Victoria. Hi.
Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.
JERRY
Are you kidding? They can't cancel that
show on me now, it's too late for me
to book anything else for that weekend.
Alright, alright ... okay, bye.
( Enter Kramer )
KRAMER
Hey. Buddy, it's all happening!
JERRY
What's happening?
KRAMER
The coffee table book. It's a go!
JERRY
Oh yeah, I heard all about it.
KRAMER
You know what this means? I'm starting
the book tour. First stop: Regis and
Kathy Lee.
JERRY
You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?
KRAMER
Oh, you better believe it!
JERRY
I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
KRAMER
No,no,no.
JERRY
What're you gonna talk about?
KRAMER
Well, coffee tables.
( The phone rings )
JERRY
Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it.
I just had something cancelled the same
weekend. Ok. Great. Bye.
( Turns to K )
JERRY
You know, life is amazing. I just lost
a job and five minutes later get another,
same weekend, same money.
KRAMER
You know who you are? Even Steven
Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving
VICTORIA
Are you growing a beard?
GEORGE
Why shave every day? It just grows right
back.
VICTORIA
I guess ...
GEORGE
I'm afraid I'm just not interested in
how I present myself. If those kind
of superficialities are important to
you, this probably isn't gonna work.
( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver
)
VICTORIA
Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did
you see that?!
GEORGE
Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not
the end of the world.
Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G
and Victoria
MAN NO.1
Hey baby, how about a little tongue
action, huh?
MAN NO.2
Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
( They kick G and Victoria's seats )
VICTORIA
What are we gonna do? Shall we just
move?
GEORGE
That won't be necessary.
( G gets up and turns towards the two men )
GEORGE
Shut your traps and stop kicking the
seats! We're trying to watch the movie!
And if I have to tell you again, we're
gonna take it outside and I'm gonna
show you what it's like! You understand
me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll
shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try
me. Because I would love it!
( People applaud as G sits down again )
Cut to G's car
VICTORIA
Are you sure you don't wanna come up,
I mean, it's only nine thirty.
GEORGE
I don't think we should. We really don't
know each other very well.
VICTORIA
Who are you, George Costanza?
GEORGE
I'm the opposite of every guy you've
ever met.
Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone
THEATER MANAGER
Excuse me, is your name Elaine?
ELAINE
Yes.
THEATER MANAGER
Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal
here?
ELAINE
Yeah.
THEATER MANAGER
Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
ELAINE
An accident? What happened?
THEATER MANAGER
He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's
alright. He's in St.Vincent
Hospital, room 907.
ELAINE
Oh. Ok. Thank you.
( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to
the counter )
ELAINE
Could I have a box of Jujyfruit?
Cut to hospital
JAKE
So, then, you know, the light was clearly
green, I started walking, he skidded
and he went right into my hip.
ELAINE
( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit )
Oh, that is so terrible. That is so
terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people
be so stupid? Just sickening.
( Jake looks at E eating )
ELAINE
You want one?
JAKE
No thanks.
ELAINE
So when do you think you're gonna get
outta here?
JAKE
Where did you get those?
ELAINE
At the movies.
JAKE
Didn't the theater manager give you
the message before you went in?
ELAINE
Yeah, he did.
JAKE
Then when did you get those?
ELAINE
Right after ... that ...
JAKE
So you heard that I was in a car accident
, and then decided to stop off for some
Jujyfruit?
ELAINE
Well... the counter...was right there,
and...
JAKE
I would think, under the circumstances,
it would have sent you running out the
building. Apparently, it didn't have
any effect on you.
ELAINE
No, no, it does!
JAKE
If you got into a car accident, I can
guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!
ELAINE
But...Jake...
JAKE
I would like to be alone now, please.
ELAINE
But, Jake, I didn't...
JAKE
Goodnight!
Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's
having a poker night.
MAN NO.1
Ah, whaddya say we call it a night?
MAN NO.2
Good idea, I'm kinda tired.
MAN NO.3
How'd you do?
MAN NO.4
Won 50.
MAN NO.2
Lost 72.
MAN NO.1
Won 37.
MAN NO.3
Lost 15.
JERRY
Broke even.
Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee"
REGIS
Can I bring out our next guest now?
KATHY LEE
Please, please.
REGIS
Young guy, he's got a new book coming
out, and it's about, and this is the
best part -
KATHY LEE
I love this.
REGIS
It's a coffee table book about coffee
tables!
KATHY LEE
Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is
so clever!
REGIS
I think so too. Did you get to meet
him back stage?
KATHY LEE
I did.
REGIS
I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't
he?
KATHY LEE
I love his hair.
REGIS
Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be
a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if
you will, would you please welcome:
Kramer!
( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee )
KATHY LEE
I don't know, maybe it's the hair or
something!
REGIS
Kramer. So, a coffee table book about
coffee tables. Where did you come up
with this idea?
KRAMER
Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis...
actually, this is a true story. I was
skiing at the time.
REGIS
You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm
trying not to kill myself, and you're
writing books!
KRAMER
Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out
and try that. You stay in school!
KATHY LEE
Have you always had an interest in coffee
tables, because, really, I love coffee
tables, and I thought I was the only
one.
KRAMER
You see the beauty of my book is, if
you don't have a coffee table, it turns
into a coffee table.
( Demonstrates with his book )
KATHY LEE
Is that fabulous?
REGIS
Look at this!
KATHY LEE
Is that fabulous?
REGIS
Fabulous!
KATHY LEE
I want one of these.
REGIS
Did I tell you this guy was bonkos?
KATHY LEE
This coffee table (book) is full of
pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
KRAMER
That's true. That's right.
REGIS
Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's
mine?
KRAMER
Oh, it's on file, right here. ( points
to his head )
REGIS
I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He
really is!
KATHY LEE
But he's adorable.
( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy
Lee's dress )
REGIS
We'll be right back.
Cut to Jerry's apartment
JERRY
So it's all over?
ELAINE
Yeah, it got pretty nasty.
JERRY
And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
ELAINE
It's not like I went across the street.
I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in
a cab.
JERRY
Why didn't you eat it in the cab?
ELAINE
Because I got popcorn too, and I ate
that first.
( E points to the table )
ELAINE
What's all this?
JERRY
Played cards last night.
ELAINE
Oh yeah? How'd you do?
JERRY
Broke even.
ELAINE
You always break even.
JERRY
Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost
a job, and then I got another one, and
then I missed a TV show, and later on
they re-ran it. And then today I missed
a train, went outside and caught a bus.
It never fails! I always even out!
ELAINE
Do you have twenty bucks?
JERRY
What for?
ELAINE
Just gimme twenty bucks.
( E takes the money and throws it out the window )
JERRY
What the hell was that?
ELAINE
Let's see if you get the twenty bucks
back.
JERRY
You know you could've thrown a pencil
out the window and seen if that came
back.
ELAINE
You know, things were going so good
for me, you know, I got the job
promotion, we were talking about moving in together -
JERRY
Well, maybe next time someone's in a
car accident you won't stop off for
candy first.
( George comes in )
GEORGE
Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I
tell you this, something is happening
in my life. I did this opposite thing
last night. Up was down, black was white,
good was -
JERRY
Bad.
GEORGE
Day was -
ELAINE
Night.
GEORGE
Yes!
JERRY
So you just did the opposite of everything?
GEORGE
Yes. And listen to this, listen to this;
her uncle works for the Yankees and
he's gonna get me a job interview. A
front office kind of thing. Assistant
to the travelling secretary. A job with
the New York Yankees! This has been
the dream of my life ever since I was
a child, and it's all happening because
I'm completely ignoring every urge towards
common sense and good judgment I've
ever had. This is no longer just some
crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.
JERRY
So I guess your Messiah would be the
Anti-Christ.
( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket
)
JERRY
Elaine ... look! A twenty!
ELAINE
Oh my God.
Cut to Mr.Lippman's office
KRAMER
Hey boss.
MR. LIPPMAN
Kramer. Come in.
KRAMER
How're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts
his arm around the tobacco store Indian
)
MR. LIPPMAN
Have a seat.
KRAMER
What, have you got yourself a cold?
( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair )
KRAMER
Wow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself
some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.
MR. LIPPMAN
The reason I asked you in here, is I
caught your appearance on "Regis and
Kathy Lee" the other day and -
KRAMER
It was pretty good, huh?
( New sneeze, K jumps again )
MR. LIPPMAN
Anyway, the thinking here is that it
would be best if you didn't do any more
of these shows.
KRAMER
Because of the coffee thing?
MR.LIPPMAN
Kramer, I'm sorry.
KRAMER
What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're
not cancelling "Sonia Live"?
MR. LIPPMAN
It's out -
KRAMER
She's a doctor, I got a thing for her.
MR. LIPPMAN
Kramer, I -
( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair )
Cut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview
MR. CUSHMAN
Why don't you tell me about some of
your previous job experiences?
GEORGE
Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in
publishing ... I got fired for having
sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
MR. CUSHMAN
Go on.
GEORGE
Alright, before that, I was in real
estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't
let me use his private bathroom. That
was it.
MR. CUSHMAN
Do you talk to everybody like this?
GEORGE
Of course.
MR. CUSHMAN
My niece told me you were different.
GEORGE
I am different, yeah.
MR. CUSHMAN
I gotta tell you, you are the complete
opposite of every applicant we've seen.
( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair )
MR. CUSHMAN
Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone
here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr.
Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
MR. STEINBRENNER
Nice to meet you.
GEORGE
Well, I wish I could say the same, but
I must say, with all due respect, I
find it very hard to see the logic behind
some of the moves you have made with
this fine organization. In the past
twenty years you have caused myself,
and the city of New York, a good deal
of distress, as we have watched you
take our beloved Yankees and reduced
them to a laughing stock, all for the
glorification of your massive ego!
MR. STEINBRENNER
Hire this man!
Cut to Pendant Publishing
SECRETARY
Tina Robbins is here to see you.
MAN
Who's that?
ELAINE
Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out
four years ago, but I've been sub-
letting my apartment from her.
MAN
Alright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the
door ) Hey.
TINA
Please.
ELAINE
Hi Tina.
TINA
Hi Elaine.
ELAINE
So, I haven't seen you in a while.
TINA
Elaine, we have a problem.
ELAINE
Well, what is it?
TINA
You're getting kicked out.
ELAINE
Kicked out?! Why?!
TINA
Well, there's been a number of complaints.
ELAINE
Yeah? Like what?
TINA
Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed
up a jewel thief.
ELAINE
I didn't know who he was!
TINA
That's why there's a buzzer.
ELAINE
What else?
TINA
Well, apparently, the week after that,
you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses
and they couldn't get them out of the
building.
ELAINE
What else have you got?
TINA
Well, let's see. ( Takes out a list
from her bag )
Cut to Monk's
JERRY
I'll tell you what the big advantage
of homosexuality is. If you're going
out with someone your size, right there
you double your wardrobe.
RACHEL
I suppose...
JERRY
Oh, come on, that's a huge feature.
When they approach a new recruit, I'm
sure that's one of the big selling points.
RACHEL
Jerry ...
JERRY
Yes?
RACHEL
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
JERRY
Aha?
RACHEL
Well, I don't think we should see each
other any more.
JERRY
Oh, that's okay.
RACHEL
What?
JERRY
Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet
somebody else.
RACHEL
You will?
JERRY
Sure. See, things always even out for
me.
RACHEL
Huh?
JERRY
It's fine. Anyway, it's been really
nice dating you for a while. And ...
good luck!
RACHEL
Yeah, you too.
Jerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment
JERRY
The New York Yankees?!
GEORGE
The New York Yankees!
JERRY
Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?
GEORGE
I'm the assistant to the travelling
secretary. I'm going on the road trips
with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm
working in Yankee Stadium! This is a
dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
JERRY
I can't believe it.
( The door buzzes, J lets E up )
GEORGE
And I' moving out of my parents' house,
I'm taking that apartment on 86th street,
remember the one we saw?
JERRY
That's a great place!
GEORGE
I'm back in business, baby!
JERRY
George, I wouldn't get too excited about
this stuff, you know, things have a
way of evening out.
GEORGE
Hey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too
cheerful )
JERRY
Hi Elaine.
ELAINE
Hi.
JERRY
How're things going?
ELAINE
How're things going? You wanna know
how things are going? I'll tell you
how things are going. I am getting kicked
out of my apartment!
JERRY
Why? Why are they doing that?
ELAINE
I don't know! They have a list of grievances.
JERRY
The jewel thief?
ELAINE
Yeah, the jewel thief.
JERRY
What else?
ELAINE
I put Canadian quarters in the washing
machine. I gotta be out by the end of
the month.
GEORGE
Well, you could move in with my parents.
ELAINE
Was that the ... opposite ... of what
you were going to say, or was that just
instinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between
her fingers )
GEORGE
Instinct.
ELAINE
Stick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps
G on the forehead )
JERRY
Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll
even out, see, I have two friends, you
were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're
down. You see how it all evens out for
me?
Cut to Pendant Publishing
SECRETARY
Mr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi
are here.
MR. LIPPMAN
Alright... tell them I'll be right there.
Well, this is it, Elaine. You know,
without this merger, we'd be out on
the street. Boy, they sure saved us.
( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which
he probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell
him, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...)
( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he
sneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he
is forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted
him and started talking to him )
INTERPRETER
Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that
we undertake this partnership with your
company.
( The Japansese "boss" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's )
MR LIPPMAN
I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your
hand right now. It's germs.
( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a
rather hostile atmosphere )
Cut to George's parents' house
JERRY
Is that the end of it?
GEORGE
Yeah, it's the last one.
ESTELLE
I can't believe you're moving out. (
Grabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true?
Is it really happening? It's ... it's
like a dream.
KRAMER
Oh, it's true.
GEORGE
Alright, let's go.
FRANK
Don't get in trouble with the Yankees.
You be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead )
GEORGE
I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I
got the job.
ESTELLE
Jerry, did you hear this?
JERRY
He knows what he's doing.
( G pulls both his parents to him )
GEORGE
I just want the both of you to know
how much you mean to me, and I love
you both very, very much.
( K and J look at each other )
JERRY
Opposite.
Cut to Monk's
ELAINE
I must've had at least eight in my mouth.
I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
JERRY
Why'd you have to eat so many?
ELAINE
Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them.
I didn't know it would start a chain
reaction that would lead to the end
of Pendant Publishing.
JERRY
Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee
table book.
KRAMER
Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd
you expect him to blow his nose?
ELAINE
Do you know what's going on here? Can't
you see what's happened? I've become
George.
JERRY
Don't say that.
ELAINE
It's true. I'm George! I'm George!
( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit )
GEORGE
Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings
and salutations. What a beautiful day
for a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits
down, says to waitress:)
Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what
I get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a
little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first
base man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm
not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it
stops workin'." Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.
( J and K pay the check )
KRAMER
Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine
was more than yours.
JERRY
Ah ... let's call it even.
(Comedy club)
JERRY
Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage
a lot of accessories around it. Coffee
cake, coffee table, coffee table book,
clutches of people. Say what you want
about alcohol, but not only are there
not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol
actually helps you get rid of things.
Family, home, job, driver's license.
In fact, at a certain point, the only
thing you have to remember to get, is
more alcohol And maybe a rag for your
squeegee.
THE END
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