THE PONY REMARK
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Night club)
JERRY
My parents live in Florida now. They
moved there last year. They didn't want
to move to Floriday, but they're in
their sixties, and that's the law. You
know
how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front
of the old people's house with a golf cart, jump out, "Let's
go Pop, white belt, white pants, white
shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there, drop
it!" I am not much for the family gathering. You know, you sit
there, and the conversation's so boring.
It's so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think,
what if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would
it be like? Just crashed right through the
glass.. You know. Come back in, there's broken glass, everybody's
all upset. "No, I'm alright. I was just a little bored, there.
No, I'm fine. I came back. I wanted to
hear a little about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Let's
pick it up right there."
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's parents are in town. His father's watching T.V., his
mother is ironing his father's jackets)
HELEN
(To Morty) You have so many nice jackets.
I don't know why you had to bring this
jacket. Who wears a jacket like this?
(He doesn't respond) What's
wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They
sit in your closet. Morty, you can't wear - this!
(Phone rings)
MORTY
Are you getting that?
HELEN
I thought you were getting it.
MORTY
Should I pick up?
HELEN
You want me to get that?
MORTY
I'll get it!
HELEN
I'll get it!
(They both go for the phone, Helen gets to it first)
HELEN
Hello?.. Hello?
(She hangs up. Jerry enters - he's wearing baseball clothes and
carrying a bat and glove)
JERRY
(Talking about the loud T.V.) Would
you make this thing lower! I can hear
it on the street! (Turns it off)
MORTY
So, how'd you do?
JERRY
We won. I made an incredible play in
the field! There was a tag-up at third
base and I threw the guy out from left
field on a fly! We'll be in the championship
game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment
of my life.
HELEN
This is your greatest moment? A game?
JERRY
Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.
MORTY
You know what my greatest moment was,
don't you? 1946. I went to work for
Harry Flemming and I came up with the
idea for the beltless trench coat.
HELEN
Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is
this a jacket to wear to an anniversary
party?
JERRY
Well, the man's an individualist. He
worked for Harry Flemming. He knows
what he's doing.
HELEN
But it's their 50th anniversary.
MORTY
You know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac
on the phone today. They invited you
again. I think you should go.
JERRY
First of all, I made plans with Elaine.
HELEN
So bring her.
JERRY
I don't even know them. What is she,
your second cousin? I mean, I've met
them three times in my life.
MORTY
I don't know her either. (Gesturing
to Helen) She makes me fly all the way
from Floriday for this, and then she
criticizes my jacket.
HELEN
At least come and say hello, have a
cup of coffee, then you'll leave.
MORTY
How come he gets to leave?
JERRY
If I wind up sitting nest to Uncle Leo,
I am leaving. He's always grabbing my
arm when he talks to me. I guess it's
because so many people have left in
the
middle of his conversation.
MORTY
And it's always about Jeffrey, right?
JERRY
Hey, he talks about him like he split
the atom. The kid works for the Parks
Department.
(Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
Morty, are you coming in?
MORTY
Oh, yeah. I forgot all about it.
KRAMER
(To Jerry) Hey, how'd you do?
JERRY
We won. We're in the finals on Wednesday..
KRAMER
Yeah!
JERRY
(To Kramer and Morty) What is this about?
KRAMER
I'm completely changing the configuration
of the apartment. You're not gonna believe
it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle.
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
Levels.
JERRY
Levels?
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm getting rid of all my furniture.
All of it. And I'm going to build these
different levels, with steps, and it'll
all be carpeted with a lot of pillows.
You
know, like ancient Egypt.
JERRY
You drew up plans for this?
KRAMER
No, no. It's all in my head.
MORTY
I don't know how you're going to be
comfortable like that.
KRAMER
Oh, I'll be comfortable.
JERRY
When do you intend to do this?
KRAMER
Ohh.. should be done by the end of the
month.
JERRY
You're doing this yourself?
KRAMER
It's a simple job. Why, you don't think
I can?
JERRY
Oh, no. It's not that I don't think
you can. I know that you can't, and
I'm positive that you won't.
KRAMER
Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows.
All I need is the lumber.
MORTY
Hey, that's some big job.
JERRY
I don't see it happening.
KRAMER
Well, this time, this time you're wrong.
C'mon. I'll even bet you.
JERRY
Seriously?
HELEN
I dont' want you betting. Morty, don't
let him bet.
KRAMER
A big dinner with dessert. But I've
got till the end of the month.
JERRY
I'll give you a year.
KRAMER
No, no, no. End of the month.
JERRY
It's a bet. (They both "pinkie swear"
to lock the deal)
(Scene ends)
(Manya's apartment)
(Jerry sits between Uncle Leo and Elaine. Leo grabs his choulder)
JERRY
Seriously, do you wnat to switch chairs?
ELAINE
No, no. I'm fine.
LEO
Jerry, are you listening to this?
JERRY
Yeah, Uncle Leo.
LEO
So, so, now the parks commissioner is
recommending Jeffrey for a citation.
JERRY
Right. For reducing the pond scum?
LEO
No, for the walking tours.
JERRY
Oh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant
life - the edible foliage tour.
LEO
That's exactly right. He knows the whole
history of the park. For two hours he's
talking and answering questions. But
you want to know something? Whenever
he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in
the Parks Department, you know who he calls?
JERRY
Mickey Mantle?
ELAINE
(Helping him worm out of the conversation
with Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste
these peas? These peas are great!
JERRY
(Eating a forkful) These peas are bursting
with country-fresh flavor.
ELAINE
Mmm.. phenomenal peas..
MORTY
Are you ready for dessert?
JERRY
Well, actually, we do have to kind of
get going.
MANYA
(Surprised) You're going?
ELAINE
I don't really eat dessert. I'm dieting.
JERRY
Yeah, I can't eat dessert either. The
sugar makes my ankles swell up, and
I can't dance.
MANYA
Can't dance?
HELEN
He's kidding, Manya.
MANYA
Is that a joke?
HELEN
(Canging subject) So, did you hear Claire's
getting married?
MANYA
Yeah, yeah..
HELEN
I hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses.
You know, trotters, like at Yonkers.
JERRY
Horses. They're like big riding dogs.
ELAINE
What about ponies? What kind of abnormal
animal is that? And those kids who had
their own ponies..
JERRY
I know, I hated those kids. In fact,
I hate anyone that ever had a pony when
they were growing up.
MANYA
..I had a pony.
(The room is dead quiet)
JERRY
..Well, I didn't really mean a pony,
per se.
MANYA
(Angry) When I was a little girl in
Poland, we all had ponies. My sister
had pony, my cousin had pony, ..So,
what's wrong with that?
JERRY
Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just
merely expressting..
HELEN
Should we have coffee? Who's having
coffee?
MANYA
He was a beautiful pony! And I loved
him.
JERRY
Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't
love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person
that had a pony?
MANYA
You! You said so!
JERRY
No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm
sure at the time in Poland, they were
very common. They were probably like
compact cars..
MANYA
That's it! I've had enough! (She leaves
the room)
ISAAC
Have your coffee, everyone. She's a
little upset. It's been an emotional
day.
(Isaac leaves, everyone looks at Jerry)
JERRY
I didn't know she had a pony. How was
I to know she had a pony? Who figures
an immigrant's going to have a pony?
Do you know what the odds are on
that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats
coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting
on a pony. Why would anybody come
hre if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies
to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense.. am I wrong?
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Morty and Helen are leaving, their bags are packed)
JERRY
I'll drive you to the airport.
HELEN
No, we're taking a cab.
JERRY
I just hope that whole pony incident
didn't put a damper on the trip.
HELEN
Don't be rediculous. It was a misunderstanding.
MORTY
Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes
a kid with a pony.
JERRY
Well, if you ever talk to her, tell
her I'm sorry. Elaine too. She feels
terrible.
HELEN
You know, you should give Manya a call.
JERRY
Maybe I will.
(Jerry opens his door, Kramer's standing in the hallway)
KRAMER
Oh, hi. I just came to say goodbye.
(Gestures to the bags) ..Need any help
with those?
MORTY
It's nothing. I got it. So, how are
your levels coming along?
KRAMER
Oh, well.. I decided I'm not gonna do
it.
JERRY
(Sarcastically) Really? What a shock.
HELEN
Goodbye, Jerry.
JERRY
Take care.
HELEN
We'll call you. (Leaves)
MORTY
Bye, Jer.
JERRY
Bye, Dad. Take it easy.
MORTY
Bye, Mr. Kramer.
KRAMER
Yeah. So long, Morty. (Morty leaves)
JERRY
So, when do I get my dinner?
KRAMER
There's no dinner. The bet's off. I'm
not gonna do it.
JERRY
Yes. I know you're not gonna do it.
That's why I bet.
KRAMER
There's not bet if I' not doing it.
JERRY
That's the bet! That you're not doing
it!
KRAMER
Yeah, well, I could do it. I don't want
to do it.
JERRY
We didn't bet on if you wanted to. We
bet on if it would be done.
KRAMER
And it could be done.
JERRY
Well, of course it could be done! Anything
could be done! But it only is done if
it's done. Show me the levels! The bet
is the levels.
KRAMER
But I don't want the levels!
JERRY
That's the bet! (Phone rings, Jerry
answers it) Hello? ..No, oh, hi.. no,
they just left.. Oh my God.. hand on
a second. Maybe I can still catch them.
(Jerry
goes over to the window, and opens it. He yells out of it) Ma!..
Ma!.. Up here! Don't get in the cab! .. Manya died! ..Manya died!!
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
HELEN
Who did you talk to?
JERRY
Uncle Leo.
HELEN
And when's the funeral?
JERRY
I don't know. He said he'd call back.
MORTY
You know what this means, don't you?
We lost the supersaver. Those tickets
are non-refundable.
HELEN
She just had a check-up. The doctor
said she was fine. Unless..
JERRY
What?
HELEN
What? Nothing.
JERRY
You don't think.. What? The pony remark?
HELEN
Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an
old woman.
JERRY
You don't think that I killed her?
MORTY
You know what the flight back'll cost
us?
JERRY
It was just an innocent comment! I didn't
know she had a pony!
MORTY
Maybe we can get an army transport flight.
They got a base in Sarasota, I think.
JERRY
The whole thing ws taking out of context.
It was a joke. (Phone rings) That's
probably Uncle Leo.
(Helen picks it up)
HELEN
Hello? ..Yes, I know.. Well, it's just
one of those things.. Sure, sure, we'll
see you then. (Hangs up) The funeral's
Wednesday.
JERRY
Wednesday? What, what Wednesday?
HELEN
Two o' clock, Wednesday. (Jerry shrugs)
What?
JERRY
I've got the softball game on Wednesday.
It's the championship.
HELEN
So? You're not obligated. Go play in
your game.
JERRY
I didn't even know the woman.
HELEN
So don't go.
JERRY
I mean I met her three times. I don't
know her last name.
HELEN
Jery, no one's forcing you.
JERRY
I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday?
That's what I want to know. I mean,
it's the championship. I'm hitting everything.
HELEN
I don't have a dress to wear. (To Morty)
And you. You don't have anything.
MORTY
I got a sport jacket.
HELEN
You're not wearing that to a funeral.
MORTY
What's wrong with it?
HELEN
It looks ridiculous.
MORTY
What? I'm gonna buy a new jacket now?
JERRY
I don't know what to do.
MORTY
..You know what this funeral's gonna
wind up costing me? Oh boy!
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
We don't understand death. And the proof
of this is that we give dead people
a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you
know. I think if you can't stretch out
and
get some solid rest at that point, I don't see how bedding accessories
really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit
with a pillow. No is he going to a
meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, let's make up
our mind where we think they're going.
(Scene ends)
(Coffee Shop)
ELAINE
I actually like ponies. I was just trying
to make conversation. What time's your
game?
JERRY
Two Forty-Five.
ELAINE
And what time's the funeral?
JERRY
Two o' clock.
ELAINE
How long does a funeral take?
JERRY
Depends on how nice the person was.
But you gotta figure, even Oswald took
forty-five minutes.
ELAINE
So you cna't do both?
JERRY
You know, if the situation were reversed
and Manya had some mah-jongg championship
or something, I wouldn't expect her
to go to my funeral. I would
understand.
ELAINE
How can you even consider not going?
GEORGE
You know, I've been thinking.. I cannot
envision any circumstances in which
I'll ever have the opportunity to have
sex again. How's it gonna happen? I
just don't see how it could occur.
ELAINE
You know, funerals always make me think
about my own mortality and how I'm actually
going to die someday. Me, dead. Imagine
that.
GEORGE
They always make me take stock of my
life and how I've pretty much wasted
all of it, and how I plan to continue
wasting it.
JERRY
I know, and then you say to yourself,
"From this moment on, I'm not going
to waste any more of it." But then you
go, "How? What can I do that's not
wasting it?"
ELAINE
Is this a waste of time? What should
we be doing? Can't you hae coffee with
people?
GEORGE
You know, I can't believe you're even
considering not playing. We need you.
You're hitting everything.
ELAINE
He has to go. He may have killed her.
JERRY
Me? What about you? You brought up the
pony.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone
who had one.
GEORGE
(To Jerry) Who's going to play left
field?
JERRY
Bender.
GEORGE
Bender? He can't play left. He stinks.
I just don't see what purpose is it
going to serve your going? I mean, you
think dead peole care who's at the
funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's
not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe
Jerry didn't show up."
ELAINE
Maybe she's there in spirit. How about
that?
GEORGE
If you're a spirit, and you can travel
to other dimensions and galaxies, and
find out the mysteries of the universe,
you think she's going to want to hang
around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
ELAINE
George, I met this woman! She is not
traveling to any other dimensions.
GEORGE
You know how easy it is for dead people
to travel? It's not like getting on
a bus. One second. It's all mental.
JERRY
Fifty years they were married. Now he's
moving to Pheonix.
ELAINE
Phoenix? What's happening with his appartment?
JERRY
I don't know. They've been in there
since, like, World War II. The rent's
three hundred a month.
ELAINE
Three hundred a month? Oh my God.
(Scene ends)
(Funeral home)
(The eulogy is in progress. Jerry attended afterall)
MAN
Although this may seem like a sad even,
it should not be a day of mourning..
for Manya had a rich, fulfilling life.
She grew up in a different world - a
simpler
world - with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country,
and from what I understand, she eve had a pony.. (Jerry throws
his hands up) Oh, how she loved that
pony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of
it, her eyes would light up. It's lustrous coat, it's flowing
mane. It was the pride of Krakow. (Jery
sinks in his seat)
(Scene ends)
(Anteroom of funeral parlor)
JERRY
(Looking at his watch) Well, the game's
starting just about now.
HELEN
It was good that the two of you came.
It was a nice gesture.
(Scene cuts to Morty talking to an intern)
INTERN
I'm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. I'm
just an intern. I can't write a note
to an airline.
MORTY
You've got your degree. They don't care.
They just want to see something.
(Scene cuts back to Jerry)
JERRY
(To Isaac) I just wanted to say how
sorry I was..
LEO
(Interrupting) Jerry, you wanna hear
something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is
switching parks. They're transferring
him to Riverside - so he'll completely
revamp that
operation, you understand? He'll do in Riverside what he did
in Central Park. It's more money. So, that's your cousin.
(Scene cuts back to Morty)
MORTY
You don't understand, I've never paid
a full fare.
JERRY
(To Isaac) Once again, I just want to
say how sorry I am abou tthe other night.
ELAINE
Oh, me too.
ISAAC
Oh no, no, no. She forgot all about
that. She was much mor upset about the
potato salad.
ELAINE
So, I understand you're moving to Phoenix?
(Jerry shake his head and walks away)
ISAAC
Yeah, my brother lives there. I think
Manya would've liked Phoenix.
ELAINE
Mmm.. gorgeous, exquisite town. Who,
what's happening with your apartment?
ISAAC
Of course it's very hot there. I'l lhave
to get an air conditioner.
ELAINE
Oh, you can have mine. I'll ship it
out ot you.. but what about that big
apartment on West End Avenue?
ISAAC
Although they say it's a dry heat.
ELAINE
Dry, wet.. what's happening with your
apartment?
ISAAC
I don't even know if I should take my
winter clothing.
ELAINE
I have an idea. Leave the winter clothing
in the apartment, and I'll watch it
for you and I'll live there and I'll
make sure that nothing happens to it.
(Jerry comes back)
ISAAC
Oh, the apartment. Jeffrey's taking
the apartment.
ELAINE
(to Jerry) Oh, Jeffrey.
JERRY
(To Elaine) You know Jeffery?
ELAINE
Yeah, from what I understand, he works
for the Parks Department.
(Helen approaches Jerry)
HELEN
It's raining.
JERRY
(Moves to the window) It's raining?
It's raining. The game will be postponed.
We'll play tomarrow.
(Scene cuts back to Morty)
MORTY
Believe me, I wouldn't bother you if
the army hadn't closed that base in
Sarasota. Here, scribble a little something
here.
INTERN
I can't. I'll get in trouble.
MORTY
Oh, for God's sakes!
(Scene ends)
(Coffee Shop)
GEORGE
Who gets picked off in softball? It's
unheard of.
JERRY
It's never happend to me before.
ELAINE
I remember saying to myself, "Why is
Jerry so far off the base?"
JERRY
I'll have to live with this shame for
the rest of my life.
GEORGE
And they in the fifth inning, why did
you take off on the pop fly?
JERRY
I thought there were two outs.
ELAINE
I couldn't believe it when I saw you
running. I thought maybe they had changed
the rules or something.
JERRY
It was the single worst moment of my
life.
GEORGE
What about Sharon Besser?
JERRY
Oh, well, of course. 1973.
ELAINE
Makes you wonder, though, doesn't it?
JERRY
Wonder about what?
ELAINE
You know.. the spirit world.
JERRY
You think Manya showed up during the
game and put a hex on me?
ELAINE
I never saw anyone play like that.
JERRY
But I went ot the funeral.
ELAINE
Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing
her.
GEORGE
Maybe Manya missed the funeral because
she was off visiting another galaxy
that day.
JERRY
Don't you think she would've heard I
was there?
GEORGE
Not necessarily. (Elaine laughs)
JERRY
Who figures and immigrant's gonna have
a pony?
(Scene ends)
(Night Club)
JERRY
What is the pony? What is the point
of the pony? Why do we have these animals,
these ponies? What do we do with them?
Besides the pony ride. Why
ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don't use
them for, you know, crowd control. "Hey, uh, you wanna get back
behind the barricades. Hey!
Hey, little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Behind the barricades!"
So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do
you think they could make them
any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter,
if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldn't
it? Just have a little pony and
you put him on the, "Baltic, that's two down, go ahead. Hold
it. Right ther, Baltic. yeah, that's it. Fine. Right there, hold
it right there."
THE END
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