So I move into the centre lane, now
I get ahead of this
women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that
I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me...
the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous
thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.
(shows several fingers to the audience) It's a finger, what
does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm
supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work?
mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't
you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the
finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've
gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and
uh (pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to
person driving next to him) look at that toe, buddy. (puts his
foot down) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe,
isn't it ?
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting
at the table watching Jerry)
Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the
something boring to read on the plane. (zips his bag with
exaggerated motions) That's it. Done!
(claps her hands) That is the single
performance I have ever seen.
(proudly) I am...the master packer.
(laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master
What you must understand, Elaine, (picks
umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into
you've gotta know the strengths and
his bag rhythmically with his umbrella) of every soldier in
that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of
ordinary black socks.
'Scuse me...master packer!
Just gimme your keys.
Alright, sir. (tosses Elaine his keys;
goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom) George?
(outside over the intercom) Yeah
(Jerry opens the door) OK, so, now,
is there anything
else I need to know 'bout this place?
uh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes
a little while to
come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all
your shopping, you...come back and take a shower.
OK, this is quite a place.
There's more, the refrigerator. (Opens
it) Deduct a
minimum of two days of all expiration dates. (uses the
umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator)
No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (closes the refrigerator)
I'll eat out.
One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual
strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a
do it in the tub.
(walks in) Ready?
Yeah, one sec.
(closes the door) Hey, Elaine
Coming to the airport with us?
No, I'm staying here for the weekend.
I'm getting a
break from my roommate.
Oh, the actress-waitress.
No, the waitress-actress. She just got
some part in
some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all
"God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it
right in her...
You just kick her out.
She's on the lease!...George you have
got to find an
other place for me.
Yeah, well...a little ruff finding something
your price-range. (looks like he remembers something and turns
to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck.
I'm not looking.
No no no, this one's different, this
one's a beauty!
Yeah, what's it like?
I haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom",
on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?
Uh, twice what you pay in here, but
it's a great
building, it's two bedrooms!
Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms?
I got enough
trouble maintaining activity in one. (George looks at Elaine
with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around) I saw that.
You oughtta least take a look at it.
'Cause then I could move in here.
It's time you got out a here anyway.
Yeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double
Listen, Jerry, this place is falling
apart. You have
no hot water, you can't have soft cheese...
Let's not forget the radiator, the steam
has been on
here for ten years; no human can turn this off.
Jerry, come on, you're doin' OK now,
you should at
least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live
Like this? You just said, you wanted
to live here.
Well, for me it's a step up. It's like
Island to Finland.
Jerry, what do ya...you wanna...you
wanna see the
place or not?
I can't think about it now. Come on,
I'm going to
Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his
Elaine! (puts his bags down, sits down
on the couch,
picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV)
(notices the TV is missing) ELAINE!
(from the bathroom) JERRY! (enters the
Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?
Great, I had fun, where's the TV, where's
(Elaine looks guilty) What?
They were stolen.
A couple a hours ago, the police are
(Kramer enters the apartment) Someone
left the door
open. (it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the
(to Kramer) You left the door open?!
Uh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin'
and I, I uh, I
came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause
I was gonna bring the spatula right back!
Wait, you left the lock open or the
(bobs his head guiltily) The door.
The door? You left the door open?
Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula
Well, I got caught up... watching a
a broken voice) The Bold and the Beautiful
So the door was wide open?
(Elaine enters the living-room) And
where were you?
I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for
the shower to
Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you
(looks shocked) How can you not have
Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo
D. 29, it's
the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only
ONE DESIGN FLAW
the door...(shuts the door) must be
Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm
gonna solve it,
I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!
Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me
back, it was an
(theatrical) I made a mistake.
(idem) These things happen
(idem) I'm human
In your way.
(Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a
report. Jerry and Elaine are there.)
Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo,
jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it?
(disappointed) Answering machine. Oh,
I hate the idea
of somebody out there returning my calls.
What do ya mean?
It's a joke.
I see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll
it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find
You ever find anything?
No. (hands Jerry his copy of the report)
Well, thanks anyway.
(Policeman leaves the apartment, while
I didn't get that joke either.
The crook has the machine. The messages
aren't for him.
HE'S THE CROOK
why would he answer...(turns around
George standing behind him) How did you get in here?
(makes some weird motions) I walked
in, your lobby
door is broken again.
I don't know how you put up with this.
Yeah, tell'm George.
(to Elaine) You would still wanna move
Yes! You don't understand. I'm living
Merman without the talent.
(to George) Is that uh, other apartment
available. (George shows him the keys)
I got ripped off for about the...18th
time? And now,
the first couple a times you go through it, it's very
upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will
"Call the police. You really should
call the police." So
"Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna
see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police
your copy. Now...unless they give the
copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do
you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the
city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few
crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for
their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot.
"Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can
round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him,
he's a PENGUIN!
(The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry
are entering the apartment.)
(looks around) Oh, well, come on...this
apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a
fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? (takes a closer
look at the fireplace)
I didn't know there was a fireplace.
A fireplace, this
How do you get all that wood in here?
They deliver it.
They deliver wood?
Whatta ya tip a "wood guy"?
(looking intensively at the form with
description) I didn't know there was a fireplace?
Look! Look at...look at this! There's
A garden! I can't believe there's a
Would I have to get a gardener?
Yeah, you can get a gardener.
You tip him?
(to Elaine) You don't tip a gardener!
You can tip a gardener.
You don't need a gardener.
Jerry, you can barbecue back here (points
They deliver the coal?
Sure, it's...probably the same guy,
who delivers the
Oh, than I gotta tip him.
Oh damn, this place is incredible, look
at all this
I don't have any plants.
I have plants.
Jerry, look at this closet! Look at
this! I'm walking
in it! (walks in the closet) It's a "walk-in". Can you believe
it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?!
(closes the closet with Elaine still
in it)...I like
that. (opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look)
What do ya think, George?
It's your decision.
(walks around with Elaine walking next
to him, copying
his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not
able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing)
I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this
is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.
(laughing with joy) Your movin'? That
movin'. (hugs Jerry) Gheeeeee (runs to George) isn't that
Congratulations. (obviously not so thrilled
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.)
What about the couch?
You like the couch? I'll tell ya what
I'm gonna do.
You're movin' in, you're a good friend,
I wanna start
you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. (Elaine
looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall) Get it out a
here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see
it, go, get it out.
A $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what?
For this couch?!
(shuts the door) OK, you tell me, what
is it worth?
OK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could
go as high as
uh... (takes a closer look at couch) I don't know, maybe...$20
(has a "you-can't-be-serious-look" on
his face; the
apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom)
(outside over the intercom) Yeah, it's
Come on up. (opens the door; walks back
to the couch)
Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now...
(picks up the cushions) I'm just gonna pack up the cushions
OK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars.
You wanna get the other end, 'cause
I wanna get it in
the hall. (acts like he's going to lift up the couch)
$50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
(walks in and closes the door) Hey,
what's goin' on?
I just bought Jerry's couch for $50
(to George) So did you bring the lease?
the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry) All
right, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.
Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry (said
listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at
ALL, AT ALL
do not feel like you have to take it.
If you're having second thoughts, if
you didn't want
don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take
it, ya know. (said with a "for-instance-look" on his face)
You could take it? You want it?
No, I don't want it. I want it, if you
don't want it.
So you do want it.
No I, I want it if you don't want it!
You just said, you wanted it!
No, I'm saying, if a situation arose
in which you
didn't want it, I might take it.
(picks up the lease and hands it to
George) So take it.
(refuses to take the lease from Jerry;
worried) How can I take it?!
How can I take it?
It's your apartment!
How can I want it now, if you want it?
Excuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause
here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?
Yes, but I am not taking it.
I...am not taking it. (drops the lease
Well, one of you better damn well take
Well, whatta you wanna do here?
I, I don't know. (makes a gesture, that
Do you wanna flip a coin?
...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call.
OK, fine...(takes a coin from his pocket)
This is the
official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and
that's it, agreed?
I don't know, who to rune for, George's
All right, now you call it in the air.
Flip it. (Jerry flips the coin) Heads!
(the coin hits
the table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at
No, it hit the table, it hit the table.
INTERFERENCE! YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT.
COME ON, ARE YOU
CRAZY?!! THE COIN CAN NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, it affects it.
You didn't call no interference!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THAT. THAT'S
I don't believe this.
Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you
win. Take it,
just take it!
I don't wanna win it like this! Elaine,
what do ya
I'd better not...
...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose
you for it.
Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you
gotta win three.
OK (they walk around each other)...OK.
you...whatta ya want?
I want evens.
You got odds.
JERRY You got evens.
For the apartment. (they take their
Once, twice, three, shoot!
Once, twice, three, shoot!
Mine! (George walks to the table to
take a break)
(they take their positions again) Once,
Once, twice, three, shoot!
(Jerry wins, Elaine starts measuring
up Jerry's couch)
Thanks. (George walks to the bathroom)
(screaming in bathroom) WHAT DID I PUT
UP TO? WHAT DID
I PUT UP TO?
(enters the apartment "Kramer-style")
Jerry, I think
I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the
Englishman, who lives down the hall?
The last couple a days he's been acting
I think he's avoiding me.
Hard to imagine. (ironically)
Yeah! And get this: I just got of the
him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I
said to him, like I, I was like this (shows how he was acting
Ya know, very casually, so that he was
gonna take me
in to his confidence.
So what did he say?
Ooh, case closed! (ironically)
No, you don't understand, you see, he
the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something!
Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if
don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the
OK, starting (looks at his watch)...NOW!
Yeah! (said in his own typical way and
he runs off)
One of the problems in life is that
when you're a kid,
you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and
those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way
that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them
"I got the front seat" (other kid's
voice) "I wanted the
front seat!" (first kid again) "I called it". And the other
called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law"
IT HOLDS UP
(lawyer's voice) "Your Honour, my client
it?" (lawyer's voice again) "Well no, he didn't call..." BANG!
(imitating a hammer being hit by the judge); (judges voice
again) "He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled".
(Coffee house, called Monk's; Jerry is sitting at a
table, George is returning from the bathroom)
(walks towards the table) I love the
mirror in that
in that mirror. (sits down) I don't know if it's the tile or
the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner.
(bobs his head) It's a good mirror...(both
their menus) So, what are ya gettin'?
I don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't
out, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents:
three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot!
you eat that stuff?!"...(they look at their menus again) I'm
so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.
Oh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm
not taking the
How can I live there?
Look at you, you're still thinking about
it, I'll never
Oh, get out a here.
How can I ever have you over? You'll
sit there moping.
You're already moping!...Would you take
No, impossible! It's your apartment.
You found the place.
You won the choose.
All right, forget it, it's over, I'm
Well, me neither.
Oh, than just get rid of it. You won't
No, it's not a problem, I can get rid
of the apartment
this afternoon. (a waitress approaches)
Oh, it's a great place, it's uh "two-bedroom"
83rd 'bout half block from the park.
What's the rent?
(The apartment on 83rd street. The waitress bought it;
Jerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a
couch, all three moping)
I don't know, what we're doin' here,
She wanted to thank us for the apartment.
I can't believe I lost the deposit on
that u-hall. (I
can't quite understand what she'd saying here)And I threw out
my couch. (She slaps Jerry on the leg)
If only the coin hadn't hit the table.
The table is interference, you know
It is not!
It is too!
My roommate starts rehearsal tonight
I just wanted to introduce you to my
husband, this is
Larry (points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get
up). This is George, Elaine and Jerry (points to them) (to
Larry) These are the guys who got us the apartment.
Oh, you don't know how grateful I am,
anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so
thrilled with this place.
It's a dream.
I'm running in the park now, I've lost
barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.
We're really glad for ya. (very sadly)
Couldn't be happier. (idem)
It's wonderful. (idem; they sit down
Diane, Diane, come here. (she beckons
a women; she
comes to the couch) This is my new next door neighbour, Diane.
(Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very
attractive) (to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this
place down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine)
Diane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse!
How, how could you guys have turned
this place down,
it's such a great location and it's...so close to the park.
We're aware of the proximity to the
Well, it was nice to meet you. (she
Nice meeting you. (shakes Carol's hand;
they sit down
again; Carol walks away)
How late are the stores open? I'm thinking
of maybe uh,
buying a new TV and smash it over my head. (two men are
standing behind the couch talking)
I get a call from Gilmore this morning
they're restructuring the organization
in Atlanta and I
gotta be there on the first of the month.
Really? What are you gonna 'bout the
Well, what can I do? Give it up.
Writers : Matt Goldman
Genres : Comedy