THE STOCK TIP
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
Went out to dinner the other night.
Check came at the end of the meal, as
it always does. Never liked the check
at the end of the meal system, because
money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before
you eat money has no value. And you don't care about money when
you're hungry, you sit down at a
restaurant. You're like the ruler of an empire. "More drinks,
appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of
our lives." Then after the meal, you know,
you've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed,
cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes - then the check comes
at that moment. People are always upset,
you know. They're mystified by the check. "What is this? How
could this be?" They start passing it around the table, "Does
this look right to you? We're not hungry
now. Why are we buying all this food?!"
I think Superman probably has a very
good sense of humor.
I never heard him say anything really
But it's common sense. He's got super
strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's
got super humor.
You would think that, but either you're
born with a sense of humor, or you're
not. It's not going to change even if
you go from the red sun of Krypton all
the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
Why? Why would that one area of his
mind not be affected by the yellow sun
I don't know but he ain't funny.
(Elaine joins them, they check their watches.)
I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late.
I dropped a grape.
I dropped a grape in the kitchen and
it disappeared. I couldn't find it.
I was... I was literally on my knees
for ten minutes looking for this stupid
have no idea where it went.
Were you crying? I mean, it's just a
grape. You'll find it.
No, I'm just getting over an allergy
attack. This guy I'm going out with
Robert. Yes.. thank you. He has two
cats and I'm allergic to them. You know,
I finally meet a normal man, and I can't
even go into his apartment, you
know. And, of course, my apartment is the actor's studio so we
can't go there. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know.
He won't even go away fro the
weekend because of these cats.
Guys with cats.. I don't know.
I've been thinking about asking this
girl I'm, uh, seeing -
Vanessa, thank you.. I've been thinking
about asking her to go away for a couple
Oh no. No, no,no,no,no. I'd have to
advise against that. What do you know
this woman, a month? Let's see, you're
going to be with her seventy-two
hours. That's a dating decathlon.
(balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey,
why don't you take her to that place
in Vermont I was telling you about?
You know, that really charming place
the separate faucets for the hot and cold. She'll love it.
(To Elaine) That's exquisite. Listen,
uh, if it's not too much trouble, could
you pass me that paper over there?
(Elaine gets the paper, he starts flipping through it.)
You better find that grape before it
mutates into another life form. (Elaine
laughs) There was once a mutant grape
that terrorized an entire town in the
panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently
it had a pit of steel.
(To himself) Up again?! This is incredible.
I'm.. I'm getting it.
You're getting what?
Did you ever meet my friend, Simons?
He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made
a fortune in the stock market. Now he's
got some new thing - you know, there's
supposed to be a big merger.
He wasn't even supposed to say anything. You guys should think
about doing this too.
How high's it suppose to go?
I don't know. But Simons said that if
I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson
would tell me the exact right minute
to sell. You wanna do it?
Boy.. I don't know.
I'd do it but I don't have any money.
What kind of company is it?
It's Sendrax. They've got some new kind
of technique for televising opera.
Some sort of electronic thingy.
Well, how much are you going to invest?
(Unsure) Five thousand.. ten. Ten thousand..
C'mon. Wilkinson's got millions invested
in this stock. It's gone up three points
since I've been watching it.
What if I lose it?
C'mon, go for twenty-five hundred. We'll
do it together. Come on, come on. We're
in it together.
(gives in) All right -- twenty-five
Yeah, can I take your order?
(Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser.
My bet? All right.. I'll open with a
Oh, the dolphin thing?
They're dying in the nets.
Ooohhh.. You know, the whole concept
of lunch is based on tuna.
Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish
act in your daily routine?
Hey, when I'm driving, I let people
in ahead of me all the time. I'm always
waving everybody in. "Go ahead, go ahead,
go ahead." ..Alright.. alright. I'll
a chicken salad.
And I'm going to have an English muffin
with margarine on the side and a cup
Okay. (To George) What about you?
I'll have the tuna.
(A Korean Market)
I have to say. Those people talking
behind us really ruined that movie for
Why didn't you do something?
What do you want me to do? I have the
guy the half-turn. Then I have him the
full-turn with the eye roll! I mean,
beyond that, I'm risking a punch in
mouth.. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the
No puffs. Just flakes.
Have you thought any more about that
Yeah, I've been thinking about it.
You know, my friend told me about this
great place in Vermont.
I don't know. I just worry about trips
like this.. It's a lot of pressure.
It's great! It speeds up the intimacy
level. It's like putting the relationship
in a time compressor. Where we would
be six months from now we accomplish
(snaps) three days.
Oh, so you want to move our relationship
into Phase Two..?
Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes,
increased call frequency, walking around
naked.. You know, the presents get a
lot better in Phase Two.
(Starting to like the idea) Really?
Could we go fishing up there?
Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp,
They have marlin in Vermont?
Oh, big fighting marlin.
(Jerry picks up a paper)
Jerry, the stock is the same as when
you checked it earlier. There are no
changes after the market closes. The
stock is still down.
I know. But this is a different paper.
I thought maybe they have, uh, different..
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry's looking at a road map; Kramer is
looking at the paper)
Is that my paper?
Bad news, my friend.
What? What news?
Oh, c'mon! It's down again?!
Two and a half points.
Oh, I can't believe it. Let me see that.
(Looks at the paper) That's four and
a half points in three days! That's
almost half my money!
Hey, I told ya.
(Sarcastic) Yeah, you told me.
It's all manipulated with junk bonds.
You can't win.
(Holding the phone, calling George)
There's one thing I don't understand.
Why does it please you? (Into phone)
George Costanza, please.
Hey, I don't care. I'm just telling
you to (yelling) get rid of that stock,
(Into phone) George, what's going on?!
Sell it, just say I'm selling!
(Into phone) Well, where is the guy?!
Nothing? Almost half my money's gone..
Well, call me right back. (Hangs up)
Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He
hasn't been home or in his office in the past three days!
You know, I can't believe you put your
money in that Sendrax. And you could've
invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.
Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that
Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've
got a very big meeting coming up.
You just (makes noise) tear it off,
and you got a new one right here. Then
You're gone alright.
(Looking at map) Hey, where.. where
are you going? You gonna take a trip?
The map.. what..
Yeah, I'm going to Vermont with Vanessa
for a few days.
Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch
of friends coming over this weekend.
Well, it's just some people I met at
a rock concert.
Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry
give him a look) 'Cause they're really
good people, Jerry. I'm telling you.
You know, they're anarchists.
They're.. they're.. they're.. huge.
(Jerry answers phone)
George.. what?! You're kidding.. Well,
what's wrong?.. So, what are we gonna
do?.. Great! Alright, I'll speak to
you later. (Hangs up) Wilkinson, the
who's supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he's in the
(Kramer has a pleased reaction on his face)
(Dry-Cleaning store; Jerry and George are in line)
So you don't know what's wrong with
All Simons was able to find out is that
he's in the hospital.
Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch
Of course he's been in touch with him.
He's left two messages. He just hasn't
heard back yet, that's all.
Well, this is it. I'm selling.
Just give it a little more time.
I never should've gotten involved in
this. I'm a nervous wreck. I"m not cut
out for investing.
Alright, alright. That's it. I'm gonna
go down there.
To the hospital.
I'm going to find out what's going on.
Are you nuts? You don't even know they
So what? I'll start talking to him,
you know, casual, and I'll work my way
around to it.
What if he's in an iron lung or something?
What are you gonna do? (knocking on
glass) "How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson?
(makes hissing sound) By the
way, what's happening with Sendrax?"
Maybe he's resting.
Who goes to the hospital to rest?
What are you, a doctor?
Okay, fine, fine. When are you going
Today. I'm going today. Just don't do
anything until you hear from me.
(Jerry moves up in line, a woman takes his place. George didn't
(To woman, thinking she's Jerry) Boy,
I have to get to a bathroom.
(Woman gives him a look)
May I help you?
Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday.
It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely
no way I can wear it.
When did you bring it in?
What's the difference? Look at it! Do
you see the size of this shirt?!
You got a receipt?
I can't find the receipt.
You should get the receipt.
Look, forget about the receipt, all
right? Even if I had the receipt- look
at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I
gonna do with this?!
Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?
What do you think this is a little scam
I have? I take this tiny shirt all over
the city conning dry cleaners out of
money?! In fact, forget the money. I
want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner
admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want
an admission of guilt.
Maybe you asked for it to be washed?
Let me explain to you something. Okay?
With certain types of fabrics, different
chemicals can react, causing..
(Interrupting) You shrunk it! You know
you shrunk it! Just tell me that you
I shrunk it.
I think the only reason we go to the
dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry
cleaner, "Well, it's ruined." And of
course, the dry cleaner can respond,
our fault. We're not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That
ends our legal obligation." You see, the whole problem with dry
cleaning is that we all believe that this
is actually possible. Right? They're cleaning our clothes - but
they're not getting anything wet. It's all dry. I know there's
gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids
that they're using. There's no such thing as dry cleaning. When
you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt
and try to get it off like that (brushes
shirt) - that's dry cleaning. I don't think that's what they're
doing back there. They don't have eighty guys going (with imaginary
brush) "Come on, hurry up! There's a
lot of shirts today."
Thank you. What evidence is there that
cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What
do they do? Because they're clean? I
am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers
four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me
So what are you gonna do?
I don't know. I can't think of any solution,
unless of course they should meet with
some unfortunate accident. What do you
think a hit man would charge to
rub out a couple of cats?
Well, it couldn't be too expensive.
Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?
What do you think, Jerry? You wanna
make twenty-eight bucks?
I'm no cat killer.
How about we go over there right now
and we shave them?
I'd really like to go, Elaine. But,
George is coming back from the hospital.
I gotta wait for him. But otherwise
I would definitely go.
He actually wen to the hospital?
Oh man, he's nuts.
Yeah, he's nuts. You wanta bump off
a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding
a paper) I know, I know. It's down again.
How much are you down altogether?
I don't know.. fifteen hundred dollars.
You don't have to say "Wow." I know
it's "Wow." And there's that smile again.
Well, what is that?
It's George. (Presses button to let
(Elaine goes into the bathroom; kramer picks up some binoculars
and looks ou the window)
Oh, look at this one by the bus stop.
Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.
I really don't need to look.
What a body. Yeeaahh.. that's for me.
Yeah, and you're just what she's looking
for too - a stranger leering through
a pair of binoculars ten floors up.
I'm gonna go down there and try and
talk to her. (leaves)
(Enter George; he flops onto the couch)
What? What? Did you go down there? (George
nods) Did he tell you what's gonna happen?
(George shakes his head "no".) How long
were you there?
You told him you knew Simons?
Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing
I know - I'm in the parking lot. Perhaps
they had some sort of a falling out.
I'll tell you one thing.. I don't know
what he's got. But for a sick guy, he's very strong.
(Elaine exits bathroom)
Well, that's it. Look, I'm going to
Vermont. I don't want to think about
this. I'm selling.
Didn't work, huh?
(Laughs) Not quite.
Well, what are you gonna do about the
I'm keeping it. I'm going down with
So I know this guy. I'm getting all
my sneakers at a discount now.
I know. You mentioned it.
Oh yeah, right. (To himself) Oh God.
Get me out of here. What a mistake.
What made me think this would work?
And I've still got another day! I've
nothing left to say. Wait.. wait.. got one. (To Vanessa) That's
a nice watch. Do you wind it?
No, it's got a little battery.
Well, that's good. (To himself) Well,
the drive home should be a delight.
I'm speeding the whole way. Let them
throw me in jail. I don't care. (To
That' the manager? Do you wnat me to see if we can get another
No, it's okay.
So, I guess you don't find the separate
faucets for the hot and cold - charming?
Well, what do you wnat to do this afternoon?
What can we do? It's raining.
We cold play "Sorry!" We cold play "Steal
the Old Man's Bundle." (To himself)
Maybe I can get an extension cord and
hang myself. (To Vanessa) What
kind of perfume is that you're wearing?
Oh, you've never heard of it.
No, what? What kind is it?
I can't tell you.
(To himself) Yeah, that's normal. (Out
loud, to a man nearby) Excuse me, Sir.
Could I have a look at that business
That stock? I thought you got out of
I did. I'm just curious. It's been almost
a week. I want to check it out. (finds
stock) Six points. It's up six points!
I told you not to sell.
You did not tell me not to sell.
I said, the market fluctuates. Remember?
Look, Vanessa, of course the market
fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I
just got fluctuated out of four thousand
That's probably why.. (stops herself)
No, what? 'That's probably why..'
That's probably why we're staying here,
because you lost money on the stock.
(To himself) So, what am I looking at
here? Twenty=nine hours to go. Well,
at least I got plenty of time to find
out the name of that purfume..
Have something else. C'mon, have a little
I'm good, thanks.
Elaine, get something! It's all taken
I'm kinda full.
So don't finish it.
(acidly) She's full. (George puts up
his hands in an "excuse me" gesture.)
So, Big daddy. I'm just curious. How
much did you clear on your little trasaction
there? All told?
I don't like to discuss figures.
I don't know, what? Eight thousand.
It's a Hyundai. Get out of here.. I
told you not to sell. Simons made money,
Wilkinson cleaned up.
So, Wilkinson's out of the hospital
No. You'd be surprised. You don't recover
that quickly from a nose job.
Is taht still from the cats?
No, I just have a cold.
So, what ever happened with that?
I gave him an ultimatum. (Shrugs)
He chose the cats?
They're very clean animals.
I gotta say, that's pretty sad. Losing
out to a cat.
Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.
I told you those trips were relationship
killers. Too bad you can't get your
buddy Superman to fly around the Earth
at super speed and reverse time.
You'd get all the money back - you could have avoided the whole
trip to Vermont.
Superman can go back in time?
We went over that.
Wilkinson's got a bite on a new one..
Petramco Corp. Out of, hu, Springfield.
I think. They're about to introduce
some sort of robot butcher.
A robot butcher?
Shhhhh. If you want to get in - there's
very little time. (Calling to waitress)
Sweetheart.. (Waitress tears of check,
George stops her) No, no, no. That'
ought to coever it. (He hands her some money, she turns to leave,
George stops her) Just a second.. Just a.. let me.. (looks at
the check, then take some money out
of her hand.) (Urging Jerry and Elaine to eat) Come on, come
on, come on..
I'm not an investor. People always tell
me, you should have your money working
for you. I've decided I'll do the work.
I'm gonna let the money relax. You
know what I mean? 'Cause you send your money out there - working
for you - a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, "What
happened? I had my money. It
was here, it was working for me." "Yeah, I remember your money.
Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go."