THE STRONG BOX
Written by
Dan O'Keefe & Billy Kimball
George, drinking tea in his apartment with his girlfriend.
GEORGE
I-I've given this a lot of thought.
I'm sorry, but we, uh, we have to break
up.
MAURA
No.
MAURA
We're not breaking up.
MAURA
No.
GEORGE
She said no.
JERRY
What did you do?
GEORGE
What could I do? We fooled around and
went to a movie.
JERRY
George, both parties don't have to
consent to a breakup. It's not like
you're launching missiles from a submarine
and you both have to turn your keys.
Obviously, you didn't make a convincing
case. Let me hear your arguments.
GEORGE
Well, I don't really like her.
JERRY
That's good.
GEORGE
I don't find her attractive.
JERRY
Solid.
GEORGE
I'd like to sleep with a lot of other
women.
JERRY
Always popular.
GEORGE
Sometimes at restaurants she talks
to her food. 'Oh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes,
you are so good.'
JERRY
You have an airtight case.
GEORGE
And in bed--
JERRY
I'm afraid we're out of time.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis'
old cufflinks that he actually wore
in the movie Cinderfella. I got 'em
at an auction.
GEORGE
I got some cufflinks I could've loaned
you.
JERRY
No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this
Friar's Club roast I'm goin' to next
week. Now I have an in to strike up
a conversation with him.
GEORGE
You already have an in. You have the
same first name. Jerry.
JERRY
Oh, that'll intrigue him.
GEORGE
Well, it worked when I met George Peppard
last week.
JERRY
George Peppard has been dead for years.
GEORGE
Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot
about The A-Team.
based on the method of execution?
ELAINE
Right, right. I mean, if I was getting
the chair, I'd go for something hot
and spicy. You know, thai, maybe Mexican.
Lethal injection, feels like pasta.
You know, painless, don't want anything
to heavy.
GLENN
So, um, why don't we get together some
time?
ELAINE
Oh, sure. Why don't you give me your
number?
GLENN
I think it'd be better if I called
you.
ELAINE
Oh. OK. Maybe we could grab some lunch
sometime. Do-do you work around here?
GLENN
Mmmm... no, not really.
ELAINE
So, is there anything you can tell
me about yourself?
GLENN
I think you're very beautiful.
ELAINE, LAUGHING
Oh, ha ha. That'll do.
ELAINE
I haven't talked to him in, like, three
weeks. I think it might be over.
JERRY
So, what's this guy about?
ELAINE
I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his
phone number, where he worked. I'll
be he's in a relationship.
JERRY
Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding
his secret identity. Elaine, you could
be dating the Green Lantern!
ELAINE
Which one is he?
JERRY
Green suit, power ring.
ELAINE
I don't care for jewellery on men.
Kramer, entering Jerry's apartment carrying a large box.
KRAMER
Hey. It happened again. Another robbery
in the building.
JERRY
So you bought a cooler?
KRAMER
It's a strongbox to protect my irreplacables.
ELAINE
And... what would those be?
KRAMER
Some taxidermy that's been in my family
for generations. My Tony, my... military
discharge.
JERRY
You were in the Army?
KRAMER
Briefly. Now, I gotta find a good place
to hide this key. Because if somebody
finds this, they hold the key to all
my possessions.
ELAINE
Literally.
KRAMER
'Literally'? What's that supposed to
mean? You mind if I hide this somewhere?
JERRY
No, go ahead.
JERRY
Oh, come on!
KRAMER
Come on, Jerry, this is a security
issue. Boy, you wouldn't last a day
in the Army.
KRAMER
Well, that's classified.
JERRY
Kramer?
ELAINE
No, the Green Lantern.
KRAMER
OK!
ELAINE
Well, I don't know. I may never marry.
It might be the closest I get.
(Jerry, getting a spoon out of his silverware drawer, accidentally
stumbles on the key, and holds it up for Kramer to see)
KRAMER
You peeked!
JERRY
This is your hiding place?!
KRAMER
It was under a spoon!
officially broken up. Thank you, and good night.
MAURA
No, George, we're not.
GEORGE
But I proved it!
MAURA
I refuse to give up on this relationship.
It's like launching
missiles from a submarine. Both of use have to turn our keys.
GEORGE
Well, then, I am gonna have to ask
you to turn your key.
MAURA
I'm sorry, George, I can't do that.
GEORGE
Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key!
involved?
GLENN
Well, I might ask you the same thing.
ELAINE, IN HER MIND
That's true, maybe he's not married.
(Glenn gives her a flower)
ELAINE
Oh, that is so sweet.
ELAINE, IN HER MIND
How long do I have to hold this?
ELAINE
Who is it?
me show you a short cut. Come on.
ELAINE, IN HER MIND
Married. That's it, I'm chucking the
flower.
ELAINE
You didn't hear me buzzing?
JERRY
Oh, I guess it's broken.
ELAINE
Throw down your key.
JERRY
It's liable to bounce and go into a
sewer.
ELAINE
I'll catch it!
JERRY
You'll chicken out at the last second.
ELAINE
Yeah, you're right.
ELAINE
All right. Well, will you at least
keep me company until somebody
comes out?
JERRY
All right.
JERRY, AFTER A PAUSE
Hey, you know what's weird?
ELAINE
Huh?
JERRY
I used to be able to have a huge meal,
go right to sleep. But I can't
anymore.
ELAINE
Nodding off!
ELAINE
Well, I was right. He's an adulterer.
And he's cheating on his wife
with me.
ELAINE
I'm hungry. Can you throw something
down?
are you doin'?
JERRY
You jammed your key in here? You shorted
out my intercom!
KRAMER
You just had to go lookin' for it,
didn't you? See, you hate it that
I have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta
know
everything about it. You're so obsessed with me.
KRAMER
What are you doing with her?
KRAMER
Security issue!
in.
guy.
JERRY
So, he's definitely married, huh?
ELAINE
Yeah...
JERRY
Boy, I would've loved to have been
there when you told him off.
ELAINE
Hmm...
JERRY
Oh, come on!
ELAINE
Well, he could be a superhero! You
should've seen him run.
(Elaine and Jerry go back inside Jerry's apartment)
KRAMER
All right, Jerry. Let's see if you
can get it in your head that this
is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement.
(George tries to whistle to get Jerry's attention)
JERRY
George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come
down!
Jerry, putting on his coat to go downstairs, when he finds the
key in his
COAT POCKET
I believe this belongs to you.
KRAMER
Heyyyy!
Jerry, opening the ground floor door for George, and seeing him
eating a
GRANOLA BAR
Where did you get that?
GEORGE
I bought it.
PHIL
What?
JERRY
There's been some robberies in the
building. I-I can't let you in.
PHIL
But, I live here. I ran out to get
some birdseed, and-and I forgot my
key.
GEORGE
Sounds like a scam.
JERRY
Great, you're lonely and miserable
again.
GEORGE
Feels right.
JERRY
Is that guy still there?
JERRY
Don't look at him.
GEORGE
Want a bite?
JERRY
No, I don't.
GEORGE, IN HIS MIND
I think that ginger ale at the coffee
shop is just Coke
and Sprite mixed together. How can I prove it? Ah! Can't, dammit.
GEORGE
What? M-Maura, what are you doin' here?
I ended this relationship,
twice.
MAURA
George, you didn't mean that. That
was just a fight.
GEORGE
Why does it only seem like I'm the
only one working at this breakup?
MAURA
George, I listened to your arguments,
and they were rambling and
flimsy. I'm not convinced. Come on, get dressed and let's get
some dinner.
GEORGE
All right.
MAURA
Eww, Mr. Apple. You have a brown spot.
little... love nest?
GLENN
It's nothing special, just a little
place I keep.
ELAINE
Oh.
GLENN
Ah, should I light a fire?
ELAINE
Oh, that sounds romantic.
the heat. Uh, I got some cardboard out here.
ELAINE, IN HER MIND
This is wrong. I should go.
GLENN, FROM OUTSIDE
Can you get that, please?
ELAINE
Oh, sure.
(Elaine gasps when she opens the door, seeing the woman from
the street that
Glenn had avoided earlier)
LADY
Where's Glenn?
ELAINE
You're the woman from the street, and
I am so sorry. You know, I'm
not really a home-wrecker. I-I-I-I thought he was a superhero.
I swear.
LADY
Lady, I'm not his wife, I'm his welfare
caseworker. Is he home?
ELAINE
This is his home?
LADY
Yes.
ELAINE
So, he's...
LADY
Poor.
will burn!
Jerry, getting into his building elevator from the lobby, and
seeing Phil get
IN WITH HIM
So you do live here.
PHIL
Yeah.
(going up in the elevator, both men awkwardly stand in silence)
PHIL
Yeah.
Jerry, seeing Phil start to open his apartment door, only one
door down from
KRAMER'S
So you live right... there.
PHIL
Yeah.
JERRY
So I guess I'll see--
(Phil, going into his apartment, slams the door behind him)
doesn't have a phone. He's not married. He's poor.
JERRY
Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear
one of those barrels, with the
straps?
ELAINE
He probably busted it up and burned
it for heat.
JERRY
So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie
his walking papers?
ELAINE
How can I end it over money? I feel
bad.
JERRY
Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt
with the poor in any other
situation?
ELAINE
Yes. There was this homeless guy who
used to urinate on our garbage
cans.
JERRY
Good. How did you handle that?
ELAINE
Well, we gave him a few bucks, and...
now he goes in the alley
across the street.
JERRY
Same situation. Pay him off, and you're
clean.
ELAINE
Well, I am not paying Glenn off to
get out of this relationship.
Wh-what am I supposed to do, just walk into his hovel, and hand
him... well,
how much do you think it would be?
JERRY
Hey, where have you been?
GEORGE
Seeing Maura. Apparently, I was unable
to break up beyond a
reasonable doubt.
ELAINE
If only he could have been cheating
on his wife, you know, things
would have been so much simpler.
GEORGE
Who's this, Blue Arrow?
ELAINE
Green Lantern.
JERRY
We found out his super power was lack
of money.
ELAINE
All right.
JERRY
He's invulnerable to creditors.
ELAINE
We get it.
JERRY
He's the 'Got-no-Green' Lantern.
ELAINE
Thank you.
JERRY
Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is
Lois Loan.
ELAINE, LEAVING
Well crafted.
GEORGE
Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what
I could use to ditch Maura.
JERRY
Sure, just tell Maura you're having
an affair.
George, now on the same side as the booth of Jerry, with Elaine's
side
VACANT
She's like a district attorney. If
it's not the truth, I'll break
under the cross. I actually have to do it.
JERRY
Could you move over there?
(George reluctantly switches sides, so they're facing each other)
GEORGE
Hey, you know, there's this secretary
at work that always had a
crush on me.
JERRY
Really? How come you never pursued
her before?
GEORGE
She's too tan. It's the middle of the
winter, she's like a carrot.
JERRY, TO ELAINE
He can wipe out his checking account
in a single bound!
(Jerry, as he's entering his apartment to see Kramer there, disturbs
some
sort of bird in the hallway, which makes a squawking noise)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
There's a giant parrot in the hallway.
KRAMER
It's Phil's.
JERRY
Who?
KRAMER
Our neighbor that you turned against.
Anyway, I told him it'd be
fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in
the hallway.
JERRY
What'd ya tell him that for?
KRAMER
Because since you've been playing God
with the front door, I've been
tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging
out at his
place.
JERRY
Really? What's it like? Is it nicer
than mine? Where does he have the
couch?
KRAMER
Well, I don't know, but the key problem
is solved. I hid it at
Phil's
JERRY
He let you?
KRAMER
No, he doesn't know. So, uh, Phil won't
be compulsively looking for
it like some people. You!
(going out into the hallway, Kramer is apparently attacked by
the parrot,
because it starts squawking loudly, and Kramer runs back inside
Jerry's place)
say you've been in the city all winter?
LORETTA
I was in Maine for a couple days.
GEORGE
Well... here we are.
LORETTA
George, I've always fantasized about
jumping into bed with you.
GEORGE
Ho ho!
LORETTA
But... I don't want to spoil things
by sleeping with you too soon.
GEORGE
Are you sure? 'Cause it could really
help me out of a jam.
LORETTA
I want to build something with you,
George.
GEORGE
Oh, not more building.
LORETTA
And I won't take no for an answer.
GEORGE
No?
LORETTA
No.
GLENN
It's a surprise.
ELAINE, GIGGLING
Oh.
(a nearby door opens, and a cook throws a garbage bag out into
a trash can;
Glenn immediately goes for the bag)
ELAINE
What are you doing? What is that?
GLENN
It's a bag of donuts.
ELAINE
It's garbage.
the old ones come out right here.
your last name?
idea how rare this is.
ELAINE
I'll make it out to cash. How 'bout
two hundred bucks? Two-fifty?
ELAINE
Make it three hundred.
the garbage can of my life.
(the cook comes out again, dumping a bucket of water out in the
alley, and
splashing Elaine and Glenn, but they're too wrapped up with each
other to
notice)
Jerry, at Phil's door, which is answered by a woman wearing cleaning
gloves
JERRY
Phil... hi. I-I know we kind of got
off to a bad start. But your
bird, which is lovely, by the way, made a mess on my door.
PHIL
And?
JERRY
I thought maybe you'd clean it up,
or your maid, there.
PHIL
That's my wife.
relationship with a woman you don't like, and you're having an
affair with a
woman who won't have sex with you.
GEORGE
This isn't going well.
JERRY
I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks.
Without 'em, I have no in!
name. Jerry!
JERRY
Where are you goin'? Help me look.
GEORGE
It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating
with one, and going to a
staged reading of Godspell with the other.
JERRY
Which is with who?
GEORGE, LEAVING
It doesn't matter.
clean up nice.
JERRY
I can't go until I find my cufflinks.
KRAMER
Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em.
That's why I took 'em out of
your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox.
JERRY
You're a lifesaver. Would you get them,
please?
pick up the key.
(in the hall, Jerry and Kramer see Phil and his wife, both crying,
going into
their apartment)
KRAMER
Hey, what's going on?
PHIL
Fredo is dead.
JERRY
That strange Portuguese guy that lives
next-door to the incinerator?
PHIL
No! my bird. We just got back from
the pet cemetery.
JERRY
Oh, Phil. Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry.
PHIL
Oh, I'll bet you are! They told us
he was poisoned! Something in his
food.
JERRY
But I, I didn't--
(Phil slams the door on Jerry, and Kramer)
JERRY
Kramer, they think I killed Fredo!
And who buries a bird?
KRAMER
Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese
guy, and he... puts it in the
incinerator.
JERRY
Just get the key and let's get out
here.
KRAMER
You know, it's a funny thing about
that bird dying. I hid the key in
Fredo's food dish. Whew! That's a weird coincidence.
JERRY
Kramer!?
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
You killed Fredo!
KRAMER
Fredo was weak and stupid. He shouldn't've
eaten that key.
JERRY
Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but
now they're in the box, and the
key is in the bird. What are we gonna do?
KRAMER
You just answered your own question.
JERRY
Oh, no.
odd choices.
LORETTA
What?
GEORGE
I mean, uh... I had fun ice skating.
GEORGE
Maura. Oh, my God! What are you doing
here?!
MAURA
You told me to meet you here for lunch.
MAURA, TO LORETTA
I'm Maura.
LORETTA, TO MAURA
I'm Loretta. You want to join us?
GEORGE
This is all blowing up in my face!
My serious girlfriend, and my
torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths. I have ruined
three
lives. Well, I understand if you never want to see me again,
so...
MAURA
George, what we have is too important.
We can work through this.
LORETTA
So can we.
GEORGE
What? So, this is still not over?
MAURA
No.
GEORGE
You?
LORETTA
No.
ELAINE
Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood,
so you won't have to burn 'em.
ELAINE
Who is this?
ALLISON
His wife.
ELAINE
You're poor and married?
GLENN
Looks like it.
ALLISON
Who the hell are you?
ELAINE
I guess I'm Lois Loan.
robbers.
like that on my tombstone.
God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up.
KRAMER
All right, then you're the one getting
the key out of him.
KRAMER
Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried
around here. I'm gonna go
check it out.
(as Jerry starts to dig, Kramer, still in his tux, walks off,
trips over a
tombstone, and tries to appear dignified again)
Honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace.
now let's cut him open!
'MRS. PHIL'
Oh!
JERRY
Hey, neighbor.
gonna try givin' them fifty-five dollars each.
GEORGE, TO ELAINE
What do you think?
ELAINE
Give me forty, you'll never see me
again.
(Elaine flips her tongue at George, who rolls his eyes away)
ELAINE, TO JERRY
So, what are you gonna do? Are you
gonna live here, or are
you gonna move out, or what?
JERRY
Ah, I'll just take the fire escape
to get in and out of the building.
KRAMER
Oh. Well, would you look at that. Guess
I forgot to lock it.
JERRY
You mean it was open? We desecrated
a pet cemetery for something?
KRAMER
Well, this is one for the books, huh,
Jerry? Really one for the books.
THE END
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