THE TRIP PART 1
(George and Jerry enter Monk's Coffee Shop)
Kramer was on Murphy Brown?
Are you sure?
Murphy Brown, the TV show.
C'mon, will ya?
Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son
of a gun!
Something, isn't it?
With Candace Bergen!
I've always liked her. Remember her
in 'Carnal Knowledge'?
Did she show her breasts in that?
She's not really the naked type.
I can't believe I missed Kramer. You
know he asked me to go with him
Yeah, I turned him down.
How come you didn't tell me?
He asked me to keep it a secret.
But you can never keep a secret.
I know. This was like a record. My previous
record was when Joni
Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept
a lid on that
for about 28 seconds.
Well, you've come a long way.
Hey listen, the Tonight Show called
me, they want me to come out and do
the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to
LA. You wanna
A free ticket?
Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer.
I always felt bad about the
way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken
What about accommodations?
All taken care of.
Is there a meal allowance? What about
seat assignments? Could I have
the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes.
get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication.
Oh, do I
need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal
tour? They have
that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...
Kramer, backstage, talking to some aspiring young actors.
So my acting technique, my personal
acting technique is working with
color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational
mood connected to
the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that
all my lines
have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize
color. This way
I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full
Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of
Uh, did you?
C'mon, let's go.
Well, I was just--
Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon,
Alright, we'll talk about this a little
later. Are you an actor?
Kramer's apartment building in LA. Singers and actors are heard
the background. Kramer leaves his apartment and makes a call
on the pay phone
in the hall.
Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
Who's calling please?
Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home.
(To man waiting behind him)
Go ahead, it's all yours.
Helena, a neighbor, steps into the hallway.
Oh, uh, Helena, how are you?
I haven't worked since 1934, how do
you think I am?
Well, that's only uh, 58 years.
It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy
Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's
Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that
was a Shemp, right?
No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors
who find a baby, the baby's
been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.
Uh huh, right.
But, but of course they didn't do it,
the police had made an awful
Moe hits Curly with an axe,
The Stooges catch the kidnappers,
But it's too late.
The baby's dead.
The boys are sent to Death Row and are
Well I don't remember that part.
I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very
Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges,
what with the dead baby and the
Stooges being executed and all.
Well, that was an unusual choice for
Would you like to buy me a fat-free
frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer?
Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right
now, you know, uh, I got a very
big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment.
So, uh, I
guess we'll have to make it another time, alright?
Well No! No, don't go out there, Kramer,
they'll hurt you, they'll
destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive
Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not
that sensitive at all.
I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left
me at the altar. Kramer!
Jerry's apartment. George walks in with several stuffed suitcases
What is this?
We're going on a two day trip, what
are you, Diana Ross?
I happen to dress based on mood.
Oh. But you essentially wear the same
thing all the time.
Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that
basic framework there are many
subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that
reflect the many
moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
(referring to George's outfit): And
what mood is this.
This is Morning Mist.
A murder scene. There's a body under a blanket and two Lieutenants
What do you figure, 20? 21?
Forensics ought to be able to nail it
Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young
She was. Not any more. Somebody saw
Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What
do you make of it?
I don't know, but I don't like it.
Jerry and George are at the airport, in line for the metal detector.
Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar.
He thinks if he goes through
real slow the machine won't detect him.
Personally I'm a little nervous about
going through these things. I'm
afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.
George braces himself and walks through the detector.
Heh he, I made it.
Jerry walks through and the machine beeps.
Empty your pockets please.
Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again, the machine
Walk through again please.
Jerry walks through, the machine beeps again.
Are you sure you don't have any metal
on you? Bracelets?
A lot of men wear anklets.
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
What do you have in your bag, sir?
Step over here please.
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
Do you have a knife in the bag?
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
Open the bag, please.
George opens his bag, the other security guard begins rummaging.
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
No, I uh... I use it.
Spread your arms and legs please.
The security guard begins waving a small beeping detector up
and down Jerry's
Ladies and gentlemen, I implore
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
Have a good trip.
Alright, go ahead.
C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that
I must have iron rich blood.
Here we go, LA.
La-la Land. I got the window seat, right?
Who said that?
I called it.
Monologue, Jerry on stage.
Seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America
are the people
that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't
these things? They come out of nowhere; Beep Beep, cart people,
look out, cart
people! Look out! We all scurry out of the way like worthless
It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the
Timmy, they're the best people in the world. Ya know, if you're
too fat, slow
and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready
for air travel.
The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving
then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no
pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?
Stock photo of the HOLLYWOOD sign. Cut to a casting office. Kramer
Yeah, I'm here for the audition.
Which audition, the music video, the
horror movie, the exercise
tape or the infomercial?
Uh, let's see... well.
Cut to a montage of Kramer in group auditions for the productions
Kramer and Chelsea, a woman he met in the horror movie audition,
You scream good.
Kramer and Chelsea are seated at a restaurant table.
So, can I keep this treatment?
Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.
'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager.
He has connections with West
German television money.
Yeah, they're trying to put together
a miniseries for me on Eva Braun.
I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing
about Eva Braun,
only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.
What was it like having sex with Adolf
Hitler? What do you wear in a
bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law?
it could just go on and on...
Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's
over there. Don't look, don't
look! It's Fred Savage.
He'd be perfect for my movie. This is
opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta
give him a
copy of my treatment.
Why are you breathing so hard?
Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK,
I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me
Kramer gets up and approaches Fred Savage who's sitting at a
Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not
crazy. I mean, I may look
weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying
to make it in
this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...
Yeah, I can't remember the name of it.
Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous,
you know, uh...
That's ok. Relax, relax.
Ok, but I got this...
Kramer lifts his leg and places his foot on a low table and the
Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally
like this, usually I'm very
cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but
I think it's fate
that you happened to be here at the same time as me.
Yeah, its fate,
you know, can't avoid your fate.
I got this treatment I think you'll
be great in.
So I'd like to give it to you.
Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye!
Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.
Fred takes the treatment and bolts for the door. After he leaves,
the rest of the patrons a thumbs-up.
George and Jerry are in their hotel room. Jerry's on the telephone.
Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't
know, wavy? George, how would
you describe Kramer's hair?
What'd you ask me for?
Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did
you see a piece of paper I had on
the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?
'Cause I had like three jokes on it,
they were all perfectly worded just
the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello?
Hey, a shoe buffing machine!
I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall
You got your own shampoo, conditioner,
body lotion! Jerry, body
Ooh, a shower cap!
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
George walks to the door wearing a shower cap.
Hello. I have more towels.
Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome.
I'm George. And this is
Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um?
Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen,
are you going to be making
up the bed in the morning?
Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor?
Could you not tuck the
blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.
Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, I like to just be able to take
the blankets and swish them and
swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being
all tucked in.
I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes
pointed up in the
air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.
Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.
Exactly, you know what I'm talking about,
It's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry)
Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked
Excuse me, what?
You want your blankets tucked in?
When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.
I don't know, whatever they do.
I tuck in? Yes?
Tuck in, tuck in.
Alright, so that's one tuck and one
Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry,
I really think it'd be easier if
you didn't tuck.
Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to
tuck, put me down for a no-tuck.
Uh, hang on a second, You know what?
Changed my mind, make it a tuck.
You just said you weren't tucking.
I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung
up on me. They don't know where
Kramer is anyway.
Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one
no-tuck. Got that?
Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of
paper on the nightstand here
earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?
Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean
Oh, okay, thanks.
Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now.
I can't believe she threw that out.
I had like the perfect wording of a
whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport,
I was gonna do
it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.
Well what did you want her to do, you
left it on the night table.
They're not supposed to just take everything
and throw it out!
Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault,
you shouldn't have left it out.
Alright, just get your thing together
and let's get out of here.
Alright, now. What mood am I in, what
mood am I in?
Cut to Jerry and George in the car, continuing their discussion.
You shouldn't have tucked.
I like it tucked.
Nobody tucks anymore.
As Jerry drives past, Kramer exits a printing shop, gets into
his car and drives
off, spilling dozens of 8"x10" publicity photos. A police office
and picks up one of the photos.
Another murder scene. A police officer pulls a blanket over the
but we catch a glimpse of the dead girl; it's Chelsea, Kramer's
friend from the
auditions. The same two Lieutenants as before are just arriving.
This was found on her person.
On her person? What kind of expression
I don't know, sir. Police lingo.
Oh yeah? What's your name, son.
Ross. Do you see that person there,
She's dead. Have you got that?
Good. Now get out of here before you
find yourself on transit
patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.
The Lt. examines the evidence. It's a title page that says "The
Keys" A movie
treatment by Kramer. The paper is torn so that the space where
name was is missing.
I think we just caught a break.
Jerry and George are at the NBC studio.
This is very exciting! You're on the
Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on
I don't know.
Might meet a celebrity.
I can't believe she threw out my napkin.
What are you worried about, you know
You gonna be alright here?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your
business, I'll just wander
Alright, don't wander too far, I'll
meet you back here in fifteen
Go, go, go, don't worry about it.
Jerry leaves and Corbin Bernsen enters through a stage door.
he stands near
George, obviously waiting for someone.
Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen.
How ya doing?
Big fan! Big fan.
Hey, you grew a beard, huh?
Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during
Hey. You know, do I have a case for
you guys to do on L.A. Law.
Flash forward to the middle of George's 'pitch'.
...so mind you, at this point I'm only
going out with her two or three
weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat.
So at this
time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it
slips my mind for a
few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.
Yeah yeah yeah. So what happened?
Well, it's the damnedest thing. The
cat dies. So she comes back into
town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board.
So you killed the cat.
That's what she says. I say, listen.
It was an old cat. It died of
natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy
her a brand new
cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat.
gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And
second of all, I
go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds.
I say, you show
me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I
spring for a new
cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the
hell out of here,
and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be
a great case on
Corbin Bernsen just stares at George.
Flash forward, George is now talking with George Wendt in the
I don't wanna tell you how to run your
Oh, of course not.
But really, it's enough with the bar
Seriously, have they though about changing
Doubt it, I doubt it. Yeah.
Really? Because people do meet in places
besides a bar, huh?
Well yeah, they do, heh heh.
What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community
Yeah, you oughta
write one of those.
Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers,
I gotta... uh...
Fabulous, I'll think about that George,
Jerry walks up as George Wendt leaves hastily.
How's it going?
Great! Great! I actually just had two
conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.
Yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you
know? Actual conversation, I was
You got toilet paper on your heel there.
George looks down, Jerry walks away.
The Tonight Show, George is in the audience applauding.
It's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin
Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld.
Quick cut to Corbin Bernsen, mid-interview.
Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming
up to me trying to give
me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here,
in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says
he's supposed to
watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he
forgets to feed
the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses
to get her a
new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants
Arnie Becker to
represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for
Thanks a lot.
Quick shot of the audience, everyone is laughing besides George.
Cut to a police station. Helena is being questioned by Lt. Martel.
He's a very handsome man. Passionate,
intense, but troubled, strange.
I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing
that, I have many suitors.
Cut back to the Tonight Show, George Wendt, mid-interview.
It's funny, 'cause even after all these
years, we still get
people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a
few moments ago I
ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should
you know, not doing the show in a bar.
Another quick shot of the audience, again everyone is laughing
Cut back to the police station. One of the kids from the van
Kramer hitched a
ride to LA in (see "The Keys") known only as 'The Freak' is being
So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer,
dude. You ever killed a man
before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These hands
soaking in Ivory liquid?
Cut back to the Tonight Show, Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt
The guy you talked to, what did he look
Short little bald guy with glasses.
Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked
It never ends, does it?
Cut to Jerry, on stage, doing his routine.
So I'm going through the airport and
I have to put my bag on that little
uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt.
Quick shot of the audience, nobody is laughing.
Quick shot of an extremely uncomfortable Jerry.
Cut back to the police station. The Lt. is on the phone.
Issue an arrest warrant, put out an
APB. Let's pick up this, uh,
George and Jerry are leaving the Tonight Show set,
I was terrible.
What are you, crazy? You were fine.
Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't
remember what I was trying to
say, that whole thing about the, uh...
Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin.
I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?
Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.
George and Jerry walk past a TV and stop as a special report
is being broadcast.
Our top story tonight, there has been
a break in the so called
'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the
sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer".
George and Jerry stare at each other in disbelief.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is
left in the show.
You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time?
Are we out of
time? How we doin' on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's
Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle
this guy or
are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating?
you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll
come back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us."
The Trip Part 1
Writers : Larry Charles
Genres : Comedy