THE VOICE
Written by
Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel
(In the Play Now office)
THOMASSOULO
George, you're not really handicapped,
are you?
GEORGE
I've had my difficulties.
THOMASSOULO
I saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue
lifting that 200 pound motorized cart
with one hand.
GEORGE
Mr. Thomassoulo during times of great
stress, people are capable of super
human strength. Have you ever seen the
Incredible Hulk, sir?
THOMASSOULO
No
GEORGE
How about the old Spider Man live action
show?
THOMASSOULO
George, I've realized we've signed a
one-year contract with you, but at this
point I think it's best that we both
go our separate ways.
GEORGE
I don't understand.
THOMASSOULO
We don't like you. We want you to leave.
GEORGE
Clearer
(At Monks Café)
JERRY
So you're staying at Play Now?
GEORGE
Why not? Pay is good. I got dental,
private access to one of the great handicapped
toilets in the city.
JERRY
But they not you aren't handicapped,
aren't you ashamed?
GEORGE
They're the ones who should be ashamed.
They signed me to a one-year contract.
As long as I show up for work every
day, they have to pay me.
(Elaine walks in)
ELAINE
Hey
JERRY & GEORGE
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
GEORGE
Hello-o-o-o Elaine!
ELAINE
What's that?
JERRY
Oh, it's just this stupid thing.
ELAINE
Well, I'm sure it's stupid. It's not
about me, is it?
JERRY
(doing the voice) No-o-o-o.
GEORGE
(doing the voice) Not at all.
ELAINE
Tell me!
JERRY
All right. You know this girl Clare
I am seeing?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Well, he and I starting joking that
when she falls asleep her stomach stays
awake all night and talks to me.
ELAINE
How is it talking?
JERRY
Well, her belly button is like a mouth.
(doing the voice) I'm bored. Talk to
me.
ELAINE
Oh I gotta start taking these "stupid"
warnings more seriously.
(Puddy walks in)
JERRY
Hey, look whose here - Puddy.
ELAINE
My Puddy? But we broke up.
JERRY
And yet he continues to live.
(Puddy walks over to the table)
PUDDY
Hey Benes, How are you?
ELAINE
I'm doing great.
PUDDY
Great. (pauses) See ya.
JERRY
Well, that's it. You two are back together.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
The bump into. The bump into always
leads to the backslide.
ELAINE
David and I will not be getting back
together.
JERRY
Elaine, breaking up is like knocking
over a coke machine. You can't do it
in one push, you got to rock it back
and forth a few times, and then it goes
over.
GEORGE
That's beautiful.
ELAINE
What about you? You were even engaged,
and you cut it off just like that.
JERRY
That's different. I didn't have feelings
for those people. But you, you'll backslide
ELAINE
You want to bet?
JERRY
Stakes?
ELAINE
50
JERRY
Dollars?
ELAINE
All right. Witness? (looks at George).
GEORGE
Witness.
JERRY
Done.
GEORGE
Percentage?
JERRY & ELAINE
No.
(At Jerry's apartment)
CLARE
So I'll call you tonight?
JERRY
Yeah.
CLARE
What's wrong with the belt?
JERRY
I went to the movies last night, I went
to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little
wobbly and the buckle kind of banged
against the side of the urinal. So...(throws
away belt) that's it!
CLARE
So, you're insane?
JERRY
Oh yes, quite.
(Kramer walks in)
KRAMER
Hello!
JERRY
Of course it's a sliding scale.
CLARE
Catch you later.
KRAMER & JERRY
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha)
JERRY
(doing the voice) La la la.
KRAMER
(doing the voice) La la la.
(Kramer is reading the newspaper at the table)
KRAMER
Look at this, they are redoing the Cloud
Club.
JERRY
Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler
building? Yeah, that's a good idea.
KRAMER
Of course it's a good idea, it's my
idea. I conceived this whole project
two years ago.
JERRY
Which part? The renovating the restaurant
you don't own part or spending the two
hundred million you don't have part?
KRAMER
You see I come up with these things,
I know they're gold, but nothing happens.
You know why?
JERRY
No resources, no skill, no talent, no
ability, no brains.
KRAMER
(interrupts) No, no...time! It's all this
meaningless time. Laundry, grocery,
shopping, coming in here talking to
you. Do you have any idea how much time
I waste in this apartment?
JERRY
I can ball park it.
(Elaine walks in ... how did she come up without the buzzer?)
ELAINE
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
KRAMER
Here we go; now she comes in. Now my
whole day is shot!
JERRY
Hey, I called you last night, where
were you?
ELAINE
(looking VERY guilty) I went out with
a (fake cough) a friend.
JERRY
George?
ELAINE
(looking guiltier) No, no...no.
JERRY
Well, I was here, that's everyone (laughing).
ELAINE
(laughing).
JERRY
Are those the same shoes as yesterday?
ELAINE
Oh, you know I wear these shoes all
the time.
JERRY
Your hair, it's somewhat de-poofed.
ELAINE
It's the new look. You know Heroin Cheek?
JERRY
Wait a second, what's going on here?
ELAINE
Nothing, nothing.
JERRY
(screams).
ELAINE
(screams).
JERRY
You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!!
(pauses) You saw Puddy!
KRAMER
Hoochie moochie. (haha)
JERRY
Hand it over. Pay up.
ELAINE
No! It's an isolated, sexual incident.
We are not back together!
JERRY
Then what do you call it? People don't
just bump into each other and have sex.
This isn't cinemax.
ELAINE
It was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled
around, then we went out and grabbed
a little dinner.
JERRY
Ah, dinner! That's it, you're all the
way back!
ELAINE
Ugh!
JERRY
Sex, that's meaningless, I can understand
that, but dinner; that's heavy. That's
like an hour.
KRAMER
(still reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent
financing on a Toyota Onedun (Sp?).
That was my idea too!
(At Play Now)
GEORGE
Good Morning!
CO-WORKER
Go to hell!
GEORGE
Hi Allison, that's a nice dress.
ALLISON
Don't even look at me.
GEORGE
Hey Glenn!
GLENN
Hey, go tell hell!
GEORGE
Heard that one already.
(At Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry walks in. Kramer is showing his "intern," Darren around)
KRAMER
...So that's the bedroom. Here's the bathroom.
If you need to, you can familiarize
yourself with the kitchen...Yeah, go ahead
and look through some of the drawers.
JERRY
And you are?
DARREN
Oh, hey, I'm Darren. I'm new here.
KRAMER
Yeah, that's Jerry, you don't have to
worry about him. Why don't you go across
the hall and get started on that mail.
DARREN
Right!
KRAMER
He's a go getter!
JERRY
Who's he?
KRAMER
My intern from NYU. Well, you remember
my corporation, Kramerica Industries.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic
about their students getting some real
world corporate experience.
JERRY
But you only provide fantasy world corporate
experience.
KRAMER
Well, this will really free up my time
so I can focus on more important things,
like my bladder system.
JERRY
Alright, it's time to go.
KRAMER
Jerry, it's not for people, it's for
oil tankers.
JERRY
(sarcastically) I know!
(Jerry tries to shove Kramer out the door)
KRAMER
You see the idea is for a rubber ball
inside the tanker so if it crashes,
the oil won't spill out.
JERRY
Actually, that is not a bad idea.
KRAMER
(smiles) yeah.
JERRY
Now, it's time to go.
(slams door)
(phone rings)
JERRY
Hello
GEORGE
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (He's
sitting on the floor in his Play Now
office).
JERRY
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses)
So, what's going on?
GEORGE
Seize montality, (Sp?) Jerry. They really
want me out of here. They've downgraded
me to some sort of a bunker. I'm like
Hitler's last days here.
JERRY
So, are you going to leave?
GEORGE
Oh no! I'm vigilant. They'll never get
me out. I'm like a weed, Jerry.
JERRY
I thought you're like Hitler in the
bunker?
GEORGE
I'm a weed in Hitler's bunker.
JERRY
I'm getting a little uncomfortable with
the Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps)
I'm getting another call, see ya...(answers
call) Hello!
DARREN
Hi, this is Darren from Kramer's office.
Mr. Kramer would like to schedule a
lunch with you at Monk's coffee shop.
JERRY
(looking shocked) Really? When?
DARREN
In 10 minutes. Do you need directions?
JERRY
No, I don't.
DARREN
Well, I'll call back in 5 minutes to
confirm.
KRAMER
Yeah, 5.
(Elaine walks in ... again, how did she get up without the buzzer?)
ELAINE
Hey!
JERRY
Hey! So, where's my money?
ELAINE
No money, I am Puddy free. So, are we
eating or what?
JERRY
Oh yeah, hold on.
(Jerry calls Kramer and Darren answers)
JERRY
Hello Darren, this is Jerry from Jerry's
office. (Elaine is looking confused).
We're going to be three for lunch. (Elaine
is still looking confused) What do you
mean he's already left?
(Kramer walks in)
JERRY
Hey, Elaine is going to come with us,
alright?
KRAMER
What? When did this happen?
JERRY
Well, just...
KRAMER
(yelling) DARREN!
(At Elaine's apartment)
(Sitting on the couch thinking to herself)
ELAINE
I am not calling Puddy. What did I do
with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them
over at Puddy's. I should call him.
I need those gloves. No, I better not.
I'll call. (looks at table) Oh, look
at that! There are the gloves. I was
just about to call. There they are.
That's funny. That's really funny. That's
really really funny. You know who loves
funny stories, David Puddy. (Picks up
phone).
(At Monk's Cafe)
GEORGE
Well, Play Now is through playing. They
turned the heat way up in my office.
They tried to sweat me out.
JERRY
Do you have to write all this stuff
down.
DARREN
Well, Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with
Mr. Lohmase and he didn't want to miss
anything.
JERRY
So, how hot did it get?
GEORGE
I don't know, 120, 130...Then they sent
some guys to sandblast for 6 hours.
Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos.
JERRY
I guess you can take anything, but actual
work.
GEORGE
Bring it on!
(Kramer walks in)
GEORGE
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer!
JERRY
(doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e!
GEORGE
(doing the voice) La la la.
KRAMER
Sorry I couldn't get out of there, what
did I miss? (asking his "intern")
DARREN
Well, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and
Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not
iron man wore some sort under garment
between his skin and his iron suit...
KRAMER
Uh huh...
GEORGE
(Interrupts) And I still say he's naked
under there!
JERRY
Oh that makes a lot of sense.
GEORGE
Oh, shut up!
DARREN
...Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom,
at which point Mr. Costanza scooped
ice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with
his bare hands using it to wash up (Jerry
is taking a sip of water and looking
mad) then Mr. Costanza remarked to me,
"This never happened." (Jerry then spits
out the water).
(George is looking pissed off)
(At Jerry's apartment in his bed)
JERRY
(giggling)
CLARE
What's so funny?
JERRY
Oh, nothing. (still giggling)
CLARE
What are you laughing about? Tell me.
JERRY
Oh all right, this is really dumb, really
stupid. We've been doing this silly,
dumb voice.
(Clare storms out of the room mad!)
CLARE
So is it fun humiliating me?
JERRY
No, it's not you. It's your stomach,
he's taking with this funny, booming,
jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
CLARE
So you think I'm fat?
JERRY
No it's...
(Darren walks in)
DARREN
Mr. Kramer says, "hey buddy!"
JERRY
Hey, we're kind of in the middle of
something here. Would you mind coming
back later?
DARREN
Oh yeah sure, sure. Should we set something
up now?
JERRY
(Screams) GET OUT!
CLARE
I'm leaving too.
JERRY
No body said you're fat. He's a loving
character, like the Kool-ade guy.
CLARE
He is fat!
JERRY
No, he's just a little bloated.
CLARE
Good-bye!
JERRY
It's mostly water weight.
(Kramer walks in)
KRAMER
Boysenberry, the kid is still learning.
(Darren is standing in the hallway on the phone)
DARREN
Mr. Kramer...Dean, my internship is on
line two, she wants to set up a meeting.
KRAMER
Yeah, well nothing before noon.
JERRY
Line two?
KRAMER
Yeah, your phone is line one.
JERRY
Oh...
(At Elaine's apartment)
PUDDY
So the gloves were right by the phone.
That is pretty funny.
ELAINE
See, this is what Jerry's doesn't understand.
We can see each other. We can see each
other every day, but it doesn't mean
we are back together.
PUDDY
I mean I love just seeing you and having
sex.
ELAINE
Yeah.
PUDDY
Not having to do all that...you know...work.
ELAINE
Well, either way...
PUDDY
All that calling you, and buying you
stuff...
ELAINE
David...
PUDDY
Caring about how everyone at work isn't
as smart as you. It's brutal.
ELAINE
Alright that's it! We're back together!
PUDDY
Oh, no.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah.
PUDDY
Look Elaine, be reasonable.
(Elaine kisses Puddy)
ELAINE
Get those clothes off. You're going
to spend the night and we're going to
cuddle.
PUDDY
What?
ELAINE
You heard me. Strip!
(At Play Now)
(George is walking in the hallway to his office. He sees his
office has been boarded up)
GEORGE
(whistling)....(laughing)....Alright......OK....
(George goes through air vent ... in his office)
GEORGE
(on phone ... calling secretary) Hello
Margery, George Costanza. How are you
sweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr.
Thomassoulo a message for me? ...Yes.
If he needs me, tell him (screams) I'M
IN MY OFFICE! Thanks.
(At NYU)
KRAMER
Dean Jones, you wanting to talk to me?
DEAN JONES
I've been reviewing Darren's internship
journal. Doing laundry...
KRAMER
...Yeah.
DEAN JONES
...Mending chicken wire, hi-tea with a
Mr. Newman.
KRAMER
I know it sounds pretty glamorous, but
it's business as usual at Kramerica.
DEAN JONES
As far as I can tell your entire enterprise
is more than a solitary man with a messy
apartment which may or may not contain
a chicken.
KRAMER
And with Darren's help, we'll get that
chicken.
DEAN JONES
I'm sorry, but we can't allow Darren
to continue working with you.
KRAMER
Well, I have to say this seems capricious
and arbitrary.
DEAN JONES
You fly is open.
(At Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry & Clare are talking by the doorway)
JERRY
So you're sure you're not still angry
about last night?
CLARE
No, I'm fine. Just as long as you don't
ever do that voice again.
JERRY
Never?
CLARE
Never.
JERRY
What about if you're not around?
CLARE
No!
JERRY
So I have to choose between seeing you
and doing the voice?
CLARE
That's right.
JERRY
I can do that.
CLARE
So what's your decision?
JERRY
I don't know.
(At the dock or beach)
(Jerry is thinking to himself ... looking quite funny)
(He's thinking about all the times him and Clare spent together.
He's trying to decide if he likes her more or the voice more)
(Jerry knocks on Clare's door)
CLARE
Jerry...HI.
JERRY
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la.
(haha)
(At Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
You broke up with her? Why?
JERRY
So we could do the voice. (doing the
voice) La-la-la. What's the matter?
GEORGE
I think I'm getting tired of it. I mean
is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la?
JERRY
No, it can do anything. It can be Spanish.
(doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.
GEORGE
I think I like the girl better than
the voice.
JERRY
Really?
(Elaine walks in ... how does she keep getting up without that
buzzer?!)
JERRY
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
ELAINE
Still?
GEORGE
I told you.
ELAINE
Alright, here you go, choke on it (hands
him money).
JERRY
See, never bet against the backslide.
I knew you two would get back together.
ELAINE
Yeah, well not for long. I'm breaking
up with him.
JERRY
No, I don't think so. I've seen you
two together. You make each other miserable.
It's kismet.
ELAINE
Double or nothing.
JERRY
Done.
GEORGE
(talking from bathroom) Witness?
JERRY
You're in there again.
GEORGE
I think Play Now is putting something
in my food.
(Kramer walks in)
ELAINE
Alright, I'm out of here.
JERRY
What is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans
that look like it doesn't fit him).
KRAMER
I don't know. I found them in your closet.
Ever since Darren left I haven't been
able to find anything. He took all my
clothes to some cleaners. I'm clueless.
(looks at clock) Is that clock right?
JERRY
Yeah. Nine o'clock.
KRAMER
I was supposed to pick up Newman at
the zoo twelve hours ago.
JERRY
(doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer.
KRAMER
Jerry, buddy, I got to tell you something.
That voice is played.
JERRY
Really?
KRAMER
So played.
GEORGE
I told you.
(Hallway, Darren is knocking on Kramer's door)
KRAMER
Darren? What are you doing here? The
college canceled the internship.
DARREN
I don't care about the internship. I
care about Kramerica.
KRAMER
Kramerica is no more.
DARREN
What about the oil tanker bladder system?
We were going to put an end to maritime
oil spills.
KRAMER
Probably. Darren, you go home. Forget
about Kramerica.
(Kramer slams door)
(Kramer opens door)
KRAMER
Well, you're still here?
DARREN
I haven't had time to leave.
KRAMER
Well, I haven't changed my mind.
(Kramer slams door)
(Kramer opens door)
KRAMER
Well, you are a tenacious little monkey.
Alright, I'll do it. Kramerica industries
lives! Let's get back to work!
(Kramer slams door)
(Kramer opens door)
KRAMER
Let's see what Jerry has to eat.
(At Play Now ... in the bosses office)
THOMASSOULO
You win George. We've had it. If you
leave right now, Play Now will give
you six months pay. That's half of your
entire contract. Please...just go.
GEORGE
You see if I stay the whole year, I
get it all.
THOMASSOULO
Want to play hand ball huh? Fine. (calls
on intercom) Attention Play Now employees,
George Costanza's handicapped bathroom
is now open on the sixteenth floor to
all employees and their families.
GEORGE
Well played.
THOMASSOULO
I'll see you in hell Costanza.
(At Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
(on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks
for giving me a second chance. Our relationship
is certainly worth more than some silly,
stupid voice. Hold on one second. (George
walks in ... Jerry asks George) So we
definitely don't want to do the voice
anymore? (George shakes his head NO)
Alright, we're back together again,
great. Bye bye.
(Hallway ... Kramer & Darren are pushing an oil tank.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Trouble down at the plant?
KRAMER
It's a tank of oil. Darren and I are
finally going to test out my bladder
system.
GEORGE
You have to drink that whole thing?
KRAMER
No. No. No. It's for oil tankers. All
I need to do is fill some sort of rubber
container with oil and then drop it
to see whether or not it can restrain
the impact.
JERRY
I understand (not really understanding,
lol).
GEORGE
Would a giant rubber ball work?
KRAMER
Conceivably.
GEORGE
Well, Play Now has all kinds of different
rubber balls. Why don't we test your
bladder system at my office?
JERRY
You're not...
GEORGE
Oh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes
to play dirty. Well, there's nothing
dirtier than a giant ball of oil.
(At Monk's Cafe)
PUDDY
Hey, you want to split a root beer (I
think that's what he says)?
ELAINE
I don't think so David, we're through.
PUDDY
Oh...That's a nice sweater (Elaine smiles).
(At Elaine's house ... the two are in bed)
ELAINE
Whew that was a dozy.
(At Jerry's apartment)
(Elaine throws down money on the table).
JERRY
Go again?
ELAINE
Book it.
GEORGE
(again from bathroom) Witness.
(At Elaine's apartment)
ELAINE
David I know this hurts, but it's the
way it has to be (Puddy is giving her
a look like he's going to still get
some).
(At Jerry's apartment)
(Elaine is placing money on the table one by one)
JERRY
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
(Jerry and Elaine at the movies)
ELAINE
I'm going to get some popcorn.
(At Jerry's apartment)
(Elaine hands Jerry money)
ELAINE
So, how did it end?
JERRY
They got away.
ELAINE
uh.
(At Elaine's apartment)
ELAINE
Listen David, I've got to run. Can you
lend me fifty bucks?
(At Play Now)
(Darren & Kramer are pushing the ball of oil ... Jerry walks
in)
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Did you bring the video camera?
JERRY
Yeah, I put a six hour tape in. That
should cover the experiment, the arrest,
and most of your trial. Alright, I'll
see ya.
GEORGE
Oh, you might want to stick around Jerry.
Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man
to hire because he was fake handicapped.
JERRY
I can't. I got to meet Clare.
KRAMER
You gave up the voice?
JERRY
Yeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless
you guys are liking it again.
KRAMER & GEORGE
No. No
JERRY
Darren?
DARREN
Sorry Mr. Seinfeld.
JERRY
Uh, bathroom.
GEORGE
Hey, use mine. I'll let you in.
JERRY
I thought it was open to the public.
GEORGE
I uh, took care of that.
(Both go to the bathroom, which looks really nice)
JERRY
Wow! Zanadu . No wonder you're putting
in so many hours. (looks at urinal)
May I?
GEORGE
I insist. I'll fix us a drink. (phone
rings ... who would that be?) I got
it.
(Back to Kramer & Darren in George's office)
KRAMER
Whew. You know Darren, if you would
have told me twenty-five years ago that
some day I'd be standing here about
to solve the worlds energy problems,
I would've said you're crazy... Now let's
push this giant ball of oil out the
window.
(Back in the bathroom)
GEORGE
So, check out my view.
JERRY
Wow! Hey, there's Clare. I better go
down.
GEORGE
Hey, there's Kramer & Darren.
JERRY
There's the giant ball of oil. Clare's
right underneath that thing. Clare!
Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o!
CLARE
I don't believe this. I am not looking
up if you're going to do that voice.
KRAMER
Bombs away (Uh oh).
JERRY
This is going to be a shame.
(SPLAT!)
GEORGE
Hello.
KRAMER
Well, that didn't work. Hey, how about
this...ketchup and mustard in the same
bottle?
DARREN
Oh that sounds interesting sir.
KRAMER
Yeah.
(Police sirens ... uh oh)
(At Monk's Café)
JERRY
Clare won her lawsuit against Play Now.
Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy.
I guess you're not going in anymore.
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
So they're not paying you your...
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
So you're pretty much...
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
What ever happened to Darren?
KRAMER
Darren is going away for a long long
time.
JERRY
So Clare sure looked real funny covered
in oil like that... (doing the voice)
Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant
ball of oil...
GEORGE
(doing the voice) I'm slippery as an
eel...
KRAMER
(doing the voice) La la la.
JERRY
I'm just so glad it's back.
(At Elaine's apartment in bed with Puddy AGAIN)
ELAINE
See, this is good. This is the way it
should be. You know why are we fooling
ourselves. We belong together.
PUDDY
Elaine: I want to break up.
ELAINE
Ah nuts!
THE END
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