"A VERY CRAPPY CHRISTMAS"
[Kyle's house, night. The Happy Chanukah sign is up and it is
[Kyle's house, night, bathroom. The toilet is seen and on it
are a glass and a plate of chocolate-chip cookies. Kyle sits
in his pajamas underneath a window and next to a night stand
and candle opposite the toilet bowl, and holding a small flag
Ike walks in and towards the food]
He's gonna be here any minute, Ike.
Oooh nooo, poopies.
Heee might not come if you're too close
to the toilet bowl, Ike. Come sit by
It's getting late, boys. Why don't
you come on up to bed.
Just let us stay up a little longer,
mom. Mr. Hankey's gotta show up. He
Alright, bubbe. Oh, and boys? Happy
Happy Chanukah, Mom.
[Kyle's house, night, bathroom. "Silent Night" plays]
Ayaaa ta. Weee! Weee...
[The ant scurries away. At length, the candle burns down to the
plate and goes out. Kyle and Ike are both asleep. Sheila and
Gerald look in once again and find the boys asleep. Sheila picks
up Ike and Gerald picks up Kyle and take them to their respective
rooms. Kyle is then seen asleep in his room. He opens and blinks
his eyes, then gasps and sits up. He rushes out of bed and into
the restroom, only to find an empty plate and glass. He thinks
Mr. Hankey has been by, until he notices something on the floor
to the left of the toilet. A look of dismay comes over his face.
It's the ant he sees, now bloated and content. Kyle goes to make
a phone call.]
[Stan's house, night, bathroom. "Silent Night" continues]
Stan! Go get the other guys and tell
them to meet me at the bos stop in ten
[South Park, night, bus stop. Kyle, with flashlight and crow
bar, is waiting as the others arrive. Kenny arrives in coat,
hood, and undies. Cartman in pajamas, cap and coat, and Stan
fully dressed, but with his cap askew. A lock of hair is seen]
Okay, good. You're all here.
What is this all about, Kyle?
It's Mr. Hankey! He hasn't shown up
Aw, Jesus Christ! I'm going back to
It's only three days until Christmas,
you guys! You know how bad thins have
been around here. I think it might be
because Mr. Hankey hasn't come.
Kyle, I have a full day of watching
TV tomorrow. I don't have time to go
on a poo hunt right now, okay?
If you guys want thre to be a Christmas,
you'd better come help me!
[South Park, night, city streets. Snow is still falling, but
a manhole cover has been lifted and set aside. Down below, in
the sewer, the boys walk in the muck looking for Mr. Hankey's
Dude, you sneezed on my back!
Oh, sorry, you might get some germs
while you're walking around in human
Hey, look. Hello?
...Mr. Hankey! Hoh, we were so worried!
I was weiting up for you and you didn't
come, so I thought that-
Oh, no I'm fine, Kyle.
But where have you been? Things aren't
the same without you. Nobody seems to
have the Christmas spirit.
I know, Kyle. I've just been awfully
busy with my family. Honey!
Boys, I want you to meet my wife. Autumn.
Howdy-hey kids! Would you like a drink?
They're too young to drink, honey.
Hey haa, it's Christmas!
Come. You have to meet the little nuggets,
too. Kids! This is our son, Cornwallis.
Our daughter Amber.
And our son, Simon.
Eee, hey! Hnhn.
Simon's not so smart. He was born with
a peanut in his head.
Heh What? Dad? Huh?
A family! So THAT's why you haven't
been able to spread Christmas cheer.
It sure has been tough. Nobody seems
that into Christmas out there.
I know, it's like it doesn't matter
My mom''s barely bought me any presents
Well don't worry kids! I'm sending the
nuggets up tomorrow to spread Christmas
cheer! And if you want, you can help
Sure we'll help!
Anything for more presents!
"Hic" Weh-hell, it's a Chrstmas party!
Hey! You boys! You boys wanna bet me
I won't take off my clothes?
Honey, pleh, you're- you're drunk. Onkay?
but it's a Chrstmas party!
Honey, can we go inside for a second?
Well, it's decided, kids. Tomorrow
we're gonna bring back the spirit of
[South Park, day, city streets. The boys and the nuggets stand
on the sidewalk in front of Tele's and the toy store humming
"Good King Wencelas" The nuggets soon hum their own tunes. Stan,
Kyle, and Kenny wear nose clips and suits that suggest they are
reindeer, while Cartman is dressed as Santa]
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, you guys!
Only three shopping days until- God-damnit!
Hey! Merry Christmas, asshole!
Nobody's paying any attention.
Ew, I almost stepped in it.
Well, it was a good effort, boys. But
I'm gonna have to close shop. Nobody's
buyin' anything an' I can't afford to
keep this furnace runnin'! Oh. And,
boys, there's some crap on the sidewalk
there. Watch out.
Not one toy. I guess this yeear, everyone's
content to celebrate with candles and
This is hopeless. We're just gonna
have to face that the commercialism
has been sucked out of Christmas.
[A special report. Behind the anchor is a "No Christmas Trees"
And in other news tonight it appears
that everyone is officially SICK OF
CHRISTMAS! In an SPC poll, 38% said
they were fred up and tired of the holiday,
5% said they were indifferent to it,
and a whopping 57% they would quick
Bon Jovi square in the balls if given
Well, I think people are just fed up
with the crowded shopping and the credit-card
bills, uh. I, I think that the holiday
just has become a joke.
You know, it's just that a lot of people
don't really believe in the whole Jesus
thing anymore, you know? So what's to
Oh yeah. Right in the balls, man. Right
square in the balls.
Well, the holiday spirit may be gone
from South Park, but at least our faith
in each other remains strong.
In South Park.
[South Park, Cartman's house, day. The report is over]
Dude, change the channel. This is too
Good Grief! We need a Christmas tree
for our play.
Oh, Jesus, not this thing again.
How come everyone in cartoons has such
Alright, everyone, we've got to get
on with our play!
Jesus, this sucks! All they keep doin'
is dancing around!
Yeah, this thing really falls apart
in the second act.
And why is it that on Charlie Brown
cartoons, everyone talks like this.
My mom could make a better Christmas
special than this!
Hey, that's it. Oh, my God, that's totally
it! It's so simple!
We can get everyone back into the Christmas
spirit by making our very own animated
Christmas special, and showing it to
everybody in town!
We don't know anything about animation.
How hard can it be? Look at it.
Hey yeah! We can make a little animated
Santa Claus and Jesus, and it can star
us instead of these little round-headed
(Yeah, right! Awesome!)
Yeah! And we can call it... "The Spirit
[South Park, The Mayor's office, day. The report is over]
Ogh! This is terrible, Johnson! Our
whole town's economy is going right
in the toilet! We've got to get everybody
back in the Christmas spirit!
Mayor, some adorable children are here
to see you.
Meugh. Send them in.
Mayor! We have the solution to your
We're gonna make a short animated Christmas
card that everyone can watch and and
play it on the screen at the old drive-in.
It'll have everything. Jesus, Santa.
And when people see it, they'll just
HAVE to get in the spirit. All we need
is three hundred dollars for our budget.
An animated Christmas card. Kids, that
just may be the dumbest idea I've ever
But at this point I'm willing to try
anything. Johnson, cut them a check
for three hundred dollars.
You guys go tell Butters to start making
the cutoouts. I'm gonna go tell Mr.
Hankey the good news!
[The Hankey home, day, exterior. Mr. Hankey and Autumn are in
a heated argument inside. The argument is incomprehensible for
a while, until a voice stands out.]
Now you put that vase down! Put that
vase down! That's a very expensive vase!
Don't you throw that vase!
Ah, Mr. Hankey?
Oh, Kyle! Hoowwddy ho!
We got the money, Mr. Hankey. We're
gonna make our animated Christmas card.
Oh, that's swell! Kids! [the nuggets come out] Christmas is back
on! We've gotta all go get that old drive-in workin' again.
That's not the only thing we gotta get
workin' again, if you know what I mean...
Wha- why do you, why do you have to
say things like that in front of people?
Well, I've gotta go start our animation.
We've only got two days.
Good luck, Kyle. And we'll have that
projector workin'! Don't you worry!
What's the matter, Cornwallis?
[Butters' home, day. A gate is open by one side of the house.
Inside, the four boys enter a room littered with cutouts]
Alright, Butters. Let's see what you've
Huh, well, okay. Now, don't expect
too much with the budget you gave me.
Yeahyeahyeah. just let us see 'em!
Well, alright. Here's a little paper
construction of Santa Claus. "Ho ho
ho, uh, there-a kid. Hu-uh, would you
like some- t-hoys and stuff" Hah, and
uh, here's a little Jesus. "Hi there,
Santa. I am the Light and the Way, and
stuff." "Uh, ho o-kay. That's good,
I suppose." Huh, and here's the cutout
versions of you guys.
Heheh. Look, he made Stan all fat.
That's not me, that's you!
They kind of look like us. I mean,
Stan's got blue eyes and I've got a
sharper nose, but I mean, they kinda
look like us.
I AM NOT THAT GODDAMNED FAT!
God job, Butters.
Woh, ah, hey! I made a little cutout
version of me, too! Ih in case you need
it for your animated film.
No, that's okay.
Uh-m, alright, alright then. "Oh, uh,
hello, good-lookin'? What's your name?"
"Huh, Butters, ma'am." "Well, Butters,
would you like to slap my- titties around?"
"Whoa! Well, uhuh" "Uh, no thanks,
ma'am. Uh I, I'll get in trouble again."
[The Hankey home, day. Inside, Cornwallis is seated at a table
with thumb tacks for legs. There are two 5-book stacks on the
table, a third stack on the floor behnd him, and two books on
the floor in front of the table. Mr. Hankey enters, and soon
seen are a spool of string for a bedstand and a pencil as a curtain
rod. A locket hangs over Cornawallis' bed, and it contains pictures
of his parents]
Cornwallis, we've got to go fix up the
I don't want to, Dad. I'm too sad.
Hey, that's alright, Cornwallis. The
boys' animated movie will being back
the spirit of Christmas.
It's not that, father. Its... Well,
I don't feel like I'm really a part
But son, you're a Hankey. We love Christmas!
Come on, it's time to sit around the
We're having a talk, honey.
God-damnit it's Christmas and we're
gonna be a happy family around the tree!
Autumn, you're drunk. Alright, now,
just go help the other kids; they can't
get their stockings up.
That's not the only thing that can't
get up around here.
...Now come on, son. Don't be so down.
Why? We're just pieces of crap. Christmas
isn't for us.
Christmas is about feeling good. That's
I see the Nativity. There's angels,
shepherds and sheep. But no poo. All
the Christmas movies: Santa, elves,
reindeer. No poo. I'm not a part of
No, you're not a part of it, Carnwallis.
You're all of it. Don't you see?
I'm nothing but crap!
But crap is everything.
Everything that lives on earth poos in some way
And that's how the cycle happens, each and every day
[Takes Cornwallis out and up to the street]
Just look at the green green grass and the birds up in the sky
[cows graze on the some exposed grass while large birds fly lazily
It's all here because of poo, and now I'll tell you why
'Cause it's eaten by cattle, which is eaten by women and men
[A cow poops as it eats, then Butters' family is shown eatng
burgers at table]
It fuses with their bodies and becomes poo again
[Mr. Jankey sings to Cornwallis, then Butters' father is shown
straining on the toilet]
And that poo goes through the sewer, where it's dumped into the
[some poo descends through the pipe, and Mr. Hankey soon follows.
A raw sewage outlet is then shown with Mr. Hankey exiting]
And it's eaten by the plankton, and becomes the fishes' meal.
[plankton swarm the poo and devour it; a small fish eats the
And then that bigger fish with the poo still inside
[a bigger fish eats the small fish, but an even bigger one approaches]
Swims up near the shore and gets eaten alive
[the bigger fish swallows the medium-sized one and swims up to
the surface, only to be snatched up by a bear]
By the grizzly bear that poos on a dead piece of sand
[the bear walks off with the fish in its mouth and poos as he
So it can spring to life and become food for the land
[flowers and grass spring up through and around it. The camera
pulls back to reveal an African savvannah around the flowers,
with all sorts of animals in it]
It's the poo of the antelope, the poo of the giraffe
[soft backup vocals come on, lending the song an African feel.
antelope run in the background as a giraffe appears and stops]
It falls onto the earth and becomes the blades of grass
[The camera looks at Mr. Hankey and Cornwallis atop Poo Rock,
first from the back, then from the front]
The grass is eaten by the cattle, which comes out the other end
[more cattle are shown grazing and pooing]
To make food for the humans and start all over again
[a man scoops the poo into a small bag and walks off; Butters
and family eat more burgers; his mom sits on the toilet]
[back on Poo Rock, before which animals poo freely] You see,
son? You're not an insignificant part of life. You are life.
But how can I be that giraffe and blade
of grass, and a human? I don't control
what they do.
Just like your heart beats without
you thinking about it, so, too, your
giraffes and your humans do what they
do without you even thinkin' about it.
But it is all one life form. It is all...
I think I see now.
I'm the poo of the antelope, that flows down to the ground
Becomes the grass of tomorrow
Which the grazers turn around
[An antelope stops to poo a little, then runs off to join the
So I'm the leg of a leopard and the
wings of a hen
[Mr. Hankey holds Cornwallis high in the air on Poo Rock with
the sky behind them. Cornwallis hums a bit]
That's the Circle, the Circle of Poo!
[Blink to black]
[Stan's house, basement, day. He hands out scripts to the other
Okay, here's the script. But it doesn't
have an ending.
No ending? Well, we can't animate until
we have our voices recorded, so we'd
better just record what we have and
figure out the ending later.
Okay, talk directly in the mike and
don't hit any hard p's.
What's a hard p?
You know, first thing in the mornng
when it just won't come out?
Uumm, okay, sound is speeding, and...
We wish you a Merry Christmas
Uh, mmm. Okay, and?
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas--
Hey! Wait a minute!
Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Well, yes, I think so.
Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate
Christmas. You're supposed to sing Chanukah
Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of clay,
Dreidel dreidel dreidel--
Heheheheh, Chanukah sucks.
Don't you oppress me, fat boy.
Don't call me fat, buttfucker.
Then don't belittle my people you fuckin'
You guys, knock it off! We have to record
Dude, that was awesome.
The script. It's sweet.
That's not in the script They do this
all the time.
Well, it should be in the script. All
that "you're fat" and "you're a Jew"
and stuff. It's great.
[South Park, Photo Dojo, day. The boys are gathered round a camera,
which is pointing straight down onto the poster Butters made
for them. Two lights shine on the poster, and the cutouts are
in place. Some other heads are at the top end of the poster]
Check it out, dude. The camera shoots
one frame at a time. So, all we gotta
do, is put the right mouth on, according
to what syllable they're pronouncing
at that frame.
Yeah. So what's the first syllable?
Uhd- W, WW-e wish you a Merry Christmas
Okay. So we put little "woo" mouths
on all our heads. And then we shoot
that for one frame.
That's one twenty-fourth of a second
of our movie already shot!
Now, the next mouth.
Uuhh, E. W-EE wish you a Merry Christmas.
Okay, where are the E-mouths?
[South Park, Photo Dojo, three hours later. The boys' eyelids
are drooping andthey're tired]
Okay. "Woo" mouths again?
So how much done is that?
"We wish you a m- Merry"
Aw, Jesus Christ!
[South Park Dirve-In, night. The boys' eyelids are drooping andthey're
This kids better make a good Christmas
movie, Johnson. If people in this town
don't start shopping again, we're all
gonna be out of jobs next year.
This... place is pretty run-down.
It's alright, we've got a clean-up crew
Hoowwddy ho! Down here!
Oh. Mr. Haneky, it's you. How wonderful.
My family and I are here to get the
drive-in ready for the biig movie.
Hi there, Mr. Important Political Person.
*hic* You wanna bet me I won't take
off my clothes and run naked through
this parkin' lot?
Uh-uh, honey, please don't start!
I didn't start it! He was looking at
They're not real, you know.
Don't you say that!
Oh, big secret! Everyone can tell they're
made of silicorn!
Uhhh, we'll just leave you to your cleanup.
Okay! Boy, oh boy, this place suuure
needs a lot of work.
We can fix it up, Dad.
Oh, look! A homeless person. Oh. He
looks sad, Pappa. There. That's better.
Good job, Amber. Now this place is starting
to look Christmasy
[South Park, Photo Dojo, next day. The boys are back at the animatic
further along in the project]
Okay. Okay, the shot is finally set
up. Now shoot the O mouth for two frames.
Well, I'm sorry! I have a cold!
That took us half an hour to set up,
Alright! You know what? I have been
here TOO LONG! I'm sick of making this
stupid cartoon, and we're never goin'
to finish it anyways! Screw you guys,
I'm goin' home!
Fine! We'll do it with out you!
We can't do it without him, Kyle. We've
already animated him in it!
We'll dub his voice over.
Kyle, it's hopeless. We've only got
20 seconds of animation done, and we
still have Jesus' and Santa's voices
to record, and we don't even have a
third act. Dude, it would take a miracle
to finish this thing!
Now, don't go saying that. There's always
Miracles happen most every day.
To people like you, and me.
But don't expect a miracle.
Unless you help make it to be.
You hope, and I'll hurry.
[takes the poster and rolls it up.]
You pray, and I'll plan
[The boys exit the Photo Dojo with it]
We'll do what's necessary, 'cause
[now in Stan's room, works on a Brian Boitano cutout]
Even a miracle needs a hand!
[walks up to the wall and adds a scene to Act II]
-And I'll labor.
-And I'll stand.
Get help from our next-door neighbor,
[Kenny begins to hum as the Hankey family is shown cleaning up
Even a miracle needs a hand!
[Autumn is passed out to one side of the film projector as Mr.
Hankey cleans up]
[Stan's house, basement, day. Stan and Kyle have to work without
Cartman, so they stand wearing headphones and reading the script
You could do Cartman's voice, can't
"Awgh! I'm so fat!"
Nuh, you've gotta sound fatter.
"Hey, you guys! Seriouslih! I'm so
fat! Help me out over hmyah!"
Cool! Now let's try the script!
I don't know what to do, dude. Who should
I say we help Santa Claus!
Oh, you're just saying that because
he brings you candy.
Cartman: Ey! I don't need to take that
kind of shit from a Jew!
[Stan's house, living room, day. Kyle and Stan resume singing
as Kyle packs the cutouts into a box headed for Korea]
-And I'll whittle.
-And I'll stand.
Let's all try to help a little, 'cause
[A group of 20 Korean inbetweeners are shown working hard on
[South Park, Potter's Art Store, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk
out with construction paper]
Even a miracle-
[a car comes in and runs over Kenny as the diriver honks, leaving
Kenny flat as a pancake. The boys just look in wonder]
...It's okay. We'll just have his character
die in the film.
[Stan's house, living room, day. Stan and Kyle are there. A large
box has come for Stan and he's about to open it]
Even a miracle____ needs____ a____ hand!!
[South Park Drive-In, night. The drive-in is cleaned up now.
The entire town shows up to see the short film. To the left,
two klieg lights shine on a high platfom on which stand the Mayor
and her aides; Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. A decorated Christmas
tree stands behind them. On close-up, though, Cartman is missing]
Citizens of South Park, the Colorado
Film Commission is pleased to present
to you a work by some of our very own
South Park children.
Thank you, thank you.
Cartman, what the hell are you doing
here?! You quit!
What are you talkin' about, "quit"?
Huh! I don't remember that.
We know tha after you see this darling
short film, you will all feel the mighty
glow of the Christmas spirit once again.
Okay, Mr. Hankey!
a snowy hill. South Park comes into
view. A squirrel pops up to see the
camera, then drops away next to the
town sign. Kids can be heard singing
a Christmas carol. The camera pans to
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas--
Hey! Wait a minute!
Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Yeah, I think so.
(voice rising) Dude, Jewish people don't
You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs!
Dreidel dreidel dreidel-
[the film snaps in two and grinds to a halt. Fear strikes the
boys' faces, then the Mayor's face. The film spools out of the
reels and Mr. Hankey holds the unwound film in his hands]
Oh, that's Christmas for ya.
Uhuh, just hang on folks. We seem to
be having some technical difficulties
I've gotta go.
It's completely destroyed! There's
nothn' I can do!
All that hard work.
Well, thanks a lot, kids. Great idea
you had there. Now everyone is more
disenfranchised with Christmas than
ever. We want our three hundred bucks
But we spent it!
Fine. Then we'll sue you. Johnson?
I... used to believe in miracles.
All that work!
Boys, I uh, I'm s-, I'm sorry.
Sure. Sh-sure, Mr. Hankey.
I guess- we might as well- go home now.
[The Hankey home, night. Inside, Mr. Hankey sits on the little
sofa. Cornwallis hops up to him and joins him on the sofa]
It's my fault. All my fault. I got everyone's
But Dad, we can fix the projector.
Aw, it's too late for that, son. everyone'
gone home. And I don't know nothin'
about projectors. I'm just a stupid
piece of crap.
Dad, you taught me an important lesson:
That crap is the cycle of everything.
Aw, that was just a stupid song, Cornwallis!
I was jus' tryin' to get you to stop
No, it wasn't a stupid song. Because
you showed me that I have the power
and the strength to do anything I want.
You made me believe in myself, Dad!
Now I'm asking you to do the same.
Son... You're the smartest piece of crap
since Albert Poodinger! Come on!
[The Marsh house, living room, night. The immediate family is
Isn't this a nice Christmas, Stanley?
No commercialism and shopping, just
a nice fire and family.
I wanna die.
[A view of the suburbs. Lights come on all over the neighborhood,
and families begin to come out of their houses. one girl and
her parents, another girl and her parents, a boy and girl and
their parents, etc. The light everyone sees is the drive-in screen.
The short has been repaired and is airing the scene where the
boys first meet Jesus. The drive-in soon fills up]
[On screen, Jesus floats down from the sky.]
[The Broflovski house, night. The frontn door opens and Gerald
and Sheila step out with Ike. Kyle follows them out.]
They did it! They got it working!
You have blemished the meaning of Christmas
for the last time, Kringle!
I bring happiness and love to children
all over the world.
Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
Christmas is for giving!
[A shot of the audience]
[The Hankey house. Amber and Simon stand outside]
Mom! They got it working!
What's that? They got your father's
penis workin' again?
[A shot of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman smiling. On screen...]
...We actually spoke--to the Brian Boitano.
Yeah. And you know? I think I've learned
something today, it doesn't matter if
you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist
or Hindu. Christmas still is about one
very important thing.
No not ham!
[The audience. The boys laugh]
Ey! Why the hell did you have me say
Heheh, we could make you say whatever
...Christmas is about something much
Don't you see, Kyle?
My God, they're right!
Christmas is about presents. If we all
buy presents, everyone benefits. M'kay?
That is the spirit of Christmas. Commercialism.
Becuase it's what makes our country
They're starting to understand, Johnson.
We got so caught up in the little things
of Christmas, like love and family that...
we almost fogot it's buying things that
makes our economy thrive.
Hey, the shops are still open. We still
have time to shop.
You did it, Mr. Hankey. You brought
back the spirit of Christmas!
No, you did it, boys!
Aw, hell, we all did it!
Kids, that cartoon was fabulous. How
would you like to have your own show
and make 100 more of them?
Are you kidding? I think we'd rather
stab ourselves in the head.
Yeah. Let's just go home and open our
Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents
for eight days.
Wow! Count me in!
Yeah! I'll be a Jew too.
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
With dreidel I will play!
A Very Crappy Christmas
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy