"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 805
"AWESOM-O"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Butters' house, day. Butters is in the living room eating some
soup. The doorbell rings. Butters stops and looks at the door.
He rises and opens it, and sees a large wooden crate waiting
on the porch]
BUTTERS
What the heck? Whoa! What a huge package!
"To Butters Stotch." Oh boy! It's
for me! It's for me!! Who is it from?
"Sent from: Japan. Konichi-wa." Wow!
A package for me from Japan!! Wow,
what can it be? My birthday isn't until
September 11th. Oh boy! I've never
gotten a package this big! I've always
wanted to have a huge package.
CARTMAN
Greetings. I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
BUTTERS
Whoa...
CARTMAN
I have been sent from Japan to serve
as your personal robot.
BUTTERS
You... you're my robot?
CARTMAN
Yes. I will be your new best friend.
BUTTERS
Oh wow!
[Moments later, Butters has Cartman sitting on his bed. Butters
goes to his desk and makes a few calls.]
BUTTERS
Yep. That's right. He's a real live
robot. He can walk and talk and everything.
You're like the fourth kid I told already.
Well I gotta go Dougie. My robot and
I have stuff to do. Heheh, they're
all so jealous! I'm so glad you came
into my life, AWESOM-O. You're the best
friend a guy could have.
CARTMAN
Yes. You can trust AWESOM-O. In face,
you should tell AWESOM-O all your most
personal secrets. AWESOM-O will not
make fun of you or tell your secrets
to other people and stuff.
BUTTERS
Hey yeah! Well I can tell you anything,
huh? Well lessee... Well, for one,
I have what's called a heziated colon,
which means I sometime can't control
my sphincter.
CARTMAN
Could be.
BUTTERS
Well, nobody knows it, but sometimes
I poop my pants, so I have to wear a
diaper to school. You okay, AWESOM-O?
CARTMAN
Yes. AWESOM-O is fine. Please go on.
BUTTERS
Well, I have to take medicine for it
every day. It's a little suppository
I have to ...put up my rectom.
CARTMAN
That, that's very interesting. Tell
AWESOM-O more secrets.
BUTTERS
Hm, okay. Let's see Oh, my parents
don't know, but sometimes I get picked
on by this one kid at school; his name
is Eric Cartman, and he always tries
to play jokes on me and stuff.
CARTMAN
Oh, really?
BUTTERS
Yeah. One time he made me think a meteor
had hit the earth, and convinced me
to stay down in a bomb shelter for three
days.
CARTMAN
Heh. Wow, that sucks.
BUTTERS
Yeah. And then this other time, he pretended
to be me on the phone to my dad and
called him a pussy, so my dad came home
and beat me.
CARTMAN
Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is
pretty smart.
BUTTERS
No, he's not smart! He's just an asshole.
And he's never gonna play on me ever
again!
CARTMAN
Really? You think so? Well, guess what,
Butters. I have a surprise for you.
BUTTERS
Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again!
'Cause what Cartman doesn't know is
that I know one of his secrets!
CARTMAN
What?
BUTTERS
When Cartman is playing all alone in
his backyard, he likes to dress up like
Britney Spears and pretend he's her!
Hi sings and dances around with a life-sized
cutout of Justin Timberlake.
CARTMAN
You saw that?
BUTTERS
Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it!
CARTMAN
Nuh uh.
BUTTERS
I've got the whole thing on tape! Even
him making out with the Justin Timberlake
cutout!
CARTMAN
No way.
BUTTERS
Yeah! And if Cartman ever messes with
me again, I'm gonna show that video
to everybody! Then I'll lhave my revenge,
boy howdy!
CARTMAN
...Um, where is this videotape, Butters?
BUTTERS
Huh? Oh, I dunno. It's around here somewhere.
Hey! So what do you wanna do now, AWESOM-O?
CARTMAN
Uh, Butters, maybe you should give AWESOM-O
the videotape?
BUTTERS
How come?
CARTMAN
Well, because... AWESOM-O can, like,
back it up for you, and make copies
and stuff. I am AWESOM-O.
BUTTERS
Oh, that's all right, AWESOM-O. Come
on! I have a lot of things to teach
you.
CARTMAN
Oh, son of a bitch!
[Montage. Butters tosses a basketball with Cartman on the front
lawn. Cartman, as AWESOM-O, can't catch it]
BUTTERS
Hey there have you heard about my robot
friend?
[they're walking along in a meadow. Butters is telling him a
story]
He's metal and small and doesn't judge me at all.
He's a cyberwired bundle of joy.
[Butters has AWESOM-O take shots at a basketball hoop. The shot
is good and Butters is pleased]
My robot friend.
[Stan, Kyle and Kenny observe nearby from behind a bush. They're
dismayed at what they see. Stan grabs his nose and squeezes his
eyes shut, then walks off. Kyle and Kenny follow]
I like to dip and daddle with my robot friend.
[jumps in a puddle, then has AWESOM-O do the same. Butters giggles]
He's smart as can be and emotion-free
[washes dishes while AWESOM-O dries them, then they go see "The
Prince and Me." They exit, with Butters skipping beside AWESOM-O.
Butters loved the movie]
And he's computin' his way to my heart.
My robot friend.
[At a restaurant two burgers reach Butters' table. He gets one,
he motions to the waiter that AWESOM-O gets the other one. The
waiter looks confused, then walks away with the other burger]
My robot friend.
[Butters has AWESOM-O pull him along in a red wagon]
My robot friend.
[they walk into a sunset together]
My robot ...friend.
[the scene ends]
[Butters' hosue, living room. His dad reads the newspaper, his
mom arrives with coffee and cookies and sets them down on the
coffee table]
LINDA
Ohhh, that's so cute. Did you see Butters
and his friend Eric playing Robot.
CHRIS
Yes. Those boys are quite imaginative.
Leave it to them to find a fun way to
do the dishes.
BUTTERS
That's great AWESOM-O! You can carry
all my laundry in one trip!
LINDA
Ah, Buttters, it's getting late. You
should be getting ready for bed soon.
BUTTERS
Okay Mom. Well, come on, AWESOM-O. Bedtime.
LINDA
Oh, is your little robot friend staying
the night?
BUTTERS
Well of course he is. He's my robot,
ain't he?
LINDA
That's okay with your mom, Mr. Robot?
CARTMAN
AWESOM-O does not have a mom.
BUTTERS
Yup! Don't you know nothin' about robot?
Come on, AWESOM-O! You can put my laundry
away!
LINDA
Aww, that's just adorable.
CHRIS
It's good to see Butters finally have
a friend that wants to stay over.
[The Stotch bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth, AWESOM-O
stands next to him]
BUTTERS
I like to brush my teeth in the morning
and at night. The teeth won't mind ..
CARTMAN
Grrr. Jesus Christ I can't go on like
this. Butters, remember when you said
you had a video of Eric Cartman dressed
like Britney Spears?
BUTTERS
Oh. Yeah.
CARTMAN
I would like to see what he looks like
so I can beat him up for you. May I
see the video?
BUTTERS
Awww, you don't need to do that, AWESOM-O.
Hey, I gotta put in my suppository.
Can you help me?
CARTMAN
What?
BUTTERS
Remember I said I put that medicinal
suppository in my anus? It'll be so
much easier havin' you do it from now
on.
CARTMAN
Um. Actually, AWESOM-O was not programmed
for that function.
BUTTERS
Haw, it's real easy. I'll show you.
You just take this little thingy out
of the plastic... paper, and and I'll,
I'll pull down my pants ...and just
slide it up in my anus there.
CARTMAN
...No way.
BUTTERS
AWESOM-O, I though you were programmed
to do whatever I tell you.
CARTMAN
Weak!
BUTTERS
Yeyeah, that, that's pretty good. Get
it up there good and deep.
CARTMAN
Lame!
[Butters' house, moments later. The bedroom light remains on]
BUTTERS
All right AWESOM-O, time for us to get
some sleep. Hey, you want me to teach
you some bedtime songs? If you leave
me now, you'll take away the biggest
part of me. Ooo-oo-oooo-oo-oo...
CARTMAN
AWESOM-O must rest! His CPU system overloading.
BUTTERS
Oh, o-o-all right AWESOM-O. Let's get
us some shut-eye, or what, or whatever
robots have.
[Morning. A cock crows. Butters wakes up, but AWESOM-O isn't
in bed with him. He looks around and sees his room is a mess.
His drawers are out of the dressers and his clothes are strewn
all over the place. One of his clothing rods has been knocked
down and his closet doors are open. AWESOM-O is shown at Butters'
desk looking through more stuff.]
CARTMAN
Where is it? Where is it??
BUTTERS
AWESOM-O??
CARTMAN
Wah!
BUTTERS
AWESOM-O, what the Sam Heck are you
doing?
CARTMAN
Um, ah AWESOM-O is reorganizing your
stuff for you.
BUTTERS
Aw Jeez Jeez Louise! My mom is gonna
be awful sore when she sees this mess!
Now AWESOM-O, that is a bad robot! You
can't do no chores for me unless I tell
you to do them! You got it?!
CARTMAN
AWESOM-O understands.
BUTTERS
Now I'm gonna have to give ya a spankin',
AWESOM-O, so that you'll learn better!
Just know, AWESOM-O, that I did it
because I love you. Okay, come on, let's
go make some breakfast.
CARTMAN
Goddamnit, I have to find that videotape!
[Butters' house, downstairs. Butters is drawing a picture at
the coffee table]
BUTTERS
Look at that, AWESOM-O! I drew a picture
of us playing in a field together.
Ah I'll be right back. I'm gonna get
some Sunny Delight.
CARTMAN
I would like some Sunny Delight too.
BUTTERS
Don't be silly, AWESOM-O. Robots don't
need to drink nothin'. Uheehee. Whoa.
Uh go answer the door, AWESOM-O.
CARTMAN
AWESOM-O will answers the door.
KYLE
What the hell are you doing, fatass?
STAN
Dude, are you still pretending to be
a robot?
CARTMAN
Shh! I just need to uh make Butters
think I'm a robot for a little while
longer.
STAN
Why?
CARTMAN
Because I need to, all right?! I've
got something planned that's uh gonna
be really sweet. Just play along, okay?
STAN
Why?
CARTMAN
Kyle, Goddamnit, will you just do-?
BUTTERS
Who's at the door, AWESOM-O?
CARTMAN
Three boys named Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
BUTTERS
Ah, hey fellas! Ah I see you met my
robot.
STAN
Uh yeah, Butters, he's real cool.
BUTTERS
Hey he sure is! We do everything together.
Why last night we even had a slumber
party.
CARTMAN
Weak.
BUTTERS
He can do anything I command him to.
He's real smart. Watch this: hey AWESOM-O,
will you go get my friends some Sunny
Delight?
CARTMAN
Yes, of course.
KYLE
Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like
some celery sticks chopped up two inches
long, with peanut butter and raisins
on top.
CARTMAN
Suck mah balls, Kyle.
BUTTERS
He's made in Japan!
[The dining room. Chris holds a cup of coffee and listens as
Linda talks to Liane]
LINDA
Yes, it has just been a delight having
your son over, Mrs. Cartman. He and
Butters are really getting along great.
LIANE
Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Mrs. Stotch.
Eric has been having some emotional
problems lately.
LINDA
Well, the reason I'm calling is that
Butters is supposed to go see his Aunt
Nellie in Los Angeles this weekend.
The boys are getting along so well that
we were thinking of inviting Eric to
go along.
LIANE
Oh, well, I'm not sure. Actually, Eric
is still supposed to be grounded for
trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks
ago.
LINDA
Excuse me, I didn't catch that.
LIANE
Oh, but I suppose it would be good for
him. Yes, of course he can go. I'll
bring some of clothes over.
LINDA
Oh, wonderful! The boys will be so excited.
[The kitchen. AWESOM-O rummages around under the sink]
CARTMAN
Maybe he put that videotape in here
somewhere.
BUTTERS
AWESOM-O, what are you doing? My friends
are waiting for their beverages. Chop
chop!
LINDA
Hey guys, great news! It's been arranged:
you two are both going to Los Angeles
to visit Butters' Aunt Nellie!
BUTTERS
Oh boy! My robot gets to come with
me to see Aunt Nellie?!
CARTMAN
What?
BUTTERS
Oh boy, AWESOM-O! We're gonna have
the best time ever!
CARTMAN
Lame.
[Los Angeles, day. The Hollywood sign appears in the background]
[Aunt Nellie's house]
UNCLE
Hey Nellie, guess what I found scrampin'
around the airport.
BUTTERS
Howdy Aunt Nellie!
AUNT NELLIE
There's my little nephew! How was your
flight?
BUTTERS
It was long. We had a three-hour delay
...departin' Denver, but we're here!
AUNT NELLIE
Didn't ya bring any bags?
BUTTERS
Well, sure, but my robot is bringin'
them in.
AUNT NELLIE
Your robot?
UNCLE
Butters' new friend is a little strange.
He, he really takes playing Robot seriously.
BUTTERS
There he is! AWESOM-O, this is my Aunt
Nellie.
AUNT NELLIE
Hello! It's nice to have you here.
CARTMAN
AWESOM-O must dispense oil waste. Where
is the nearest toilet, please?
AUNT NELLIE
Oh oh, right through there, Mr. Robot.
CARTMAN
Thank you.
UNCLE
I don't think he took the costume off
the entire trip.
AUNT NELLIE
Well, did you wanna get right to sight-seeing,
or are you guys hungry after such a
long flight.
BUTTERS
Nah, I ate on the plane. And AWESOM-O
is a robot, so he don't need to eat.
AUNT NELLIE
Right...
[Aunt Nellie's restroom. Cartman runs in frantically and takes
off the helmet. His hair is matted against his head and he gasps
for air. He runs up to the sink and reaches ...for the toothpaste.
He squeezes the tube and sucks out the contents hungrily]
BUTTERS
AWESOM-O?
CARTMAN
Aw-Aw-AWESOM-O is coming.
BUTTERS
Come on, AWESOM-O! We're gonna go a-sightseein'!
CARTMAN
Argh!
[Montage. Hollywood Boulevard, facing the Chinese Theater. The
Passion is playing there. Butters takes a picture of AWESOM-O
next to the cemented hand- and footprints of the stars. Next,
he and AWESOM-O ride down a log in an amusement park. Next, he
and AWESOM-O are in a plane ride together. Next, AWESOM-O rubs
some suntan lotion on Butters' back. Next, he and AWESOM-O take
part in a Galaxy Studios Tour ride. A shark pops up and roars
menacingly at the riders. Next, Catamount Pictures is shown.]
BUTTERS
I'm hangin' out in LA with my robot
friend
We're havin' such fun in the hot hot sun
We're two of a kind- That's me!
And my robot friend.
My robot friend.
My robot ...friend.
[Catamount Pictures. Butters and Cartman walk around. Cartman
carries the bags]
BUTTERS
Can you believe we're at a real live
movie studio, AWESOM-O? Aren't we havin'
the best time?
CARTMAN
Butters, wouldn't you like to have some
time away from AWESOM-O? We could meet
up later, perhaps?
BUTTERS
Hey, look over there, AWESOM-O. The
film studio commissary. That's where
all them rich movie producers who come
up with uh, Hollywood blockbusters have
their lunch. Neato, huh?
[Le Catamount Bistró, Two producers talk.]
PRODUCER
Damnit, Mitch. How come our movie studio
can't come up with any winners? I mean,
we're smart, right?
MITCH
We're really smart.
PRODUCER
We need an idea for a movie that's a
home run. A feel-good romp for the whole
family. Hey, what's that over there?
WOMAN
Wow, that's a really neat little robot
you have there, little boy.
GIRL
What's he do?
BUTTERS
Well, he can do anything. Watch this:
Hey, AWESOM-O, who's gonna win the Superbowl
next year?
CARTMAN
The New Orleans Saints.
BOY
Hey, Mr. Robot, how much wood would
a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
chuck wood?
CARTMAN
Seventeen.
PRODUCER
Mitch, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
MITCH
Yeah. Maybe that robot can be programmed
to come up with movie ideas!
PRODUCER
Exactly!
[Catamount Pictures boardroom. The producer introduces Butters
and AWESOM-O to his staff]
PRODUCER
Gentlemen, this little boy was kind
enough to let us show you his robot.
The AWESOM-O 4000. I've already seen
what he can do.
STAFFER 1
Uh, excuse me sir, but uh, that's not
a robot.
PRODUCER
It's not?
STAFFER 1
No, it clearly had bipedal movement,
so the correct term is "computerized
automatron."
MITCH
Oh, very nice, Mitch.
STAFFER 2
You are the smart one.
PRODUCER
Well, regardless, I believe maybe this
automatron can help us come up with
new movie ideas.
STAFFER 2
How can a robot come up with better
ideas for movies than us?
PRODUCER
Watch this: AWESOM-O, given the current
trends of the movie-going public can
you come up with an idea for a movie
that will break a hundred million box
office?
CARTMAN
Um... okay. How about this: Adam Sandler
is like, in love with some girl, but
then it turns out that the girl is actually
a ...golden retriever, or something.
STAFFER 2
Oh, perfect!
STAFFER 3
We'll call it "Puppy Love"!
STAFFER 2
Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O!
MITCH
Yeah yeah!
STAFFER 3
Let's hear it!
MITCH
Yeah, we wanna hear it!
STAFFER 3
Come on, come on!
CARTMAN
Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler...
inherits like, a billion dollars, but
first, he has to, like, become a ...boxer,
or something.
STAFFER 3
...Yes, it's flawless!
MITCH
Punch-Drunk Billionaire!
[Aunt Nellie's place, guest room. Butters is at the desk counting
up all the movie he and AWESOM-O got for Cartman's ideas and
putting one hundred dollar bills one per envelope.]
BUTTERS
Boy, Los Angeles is great, huh AWESOM-O?
Can you believe those guys paid us a
hundred dollars apiece for those movie
ideas?
CARTMAN
You should split that money with AWESOM-O.
After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas.
BUTTERS
Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do
with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot
pants? Haha, no! We got each other and
that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna
send this money to needy kids in third-world
countries.
CARTMAN
Haaaa! Haaaa!
BUTTERS
Ye, you okay AWESOM-O?
CARTMAN
AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint.
BUTTERS
Well you go ahead and relax, AWESOM-O.
We've got another full day of pitching
movies tomorrow.
[Washington DC, the Pentagon.]
[The Pentagon, a boardroom. A general addresses his peers]
GENERAL
Gentlemen, Ladies, we all know that
we live in a time of uncertainty. The
risk of an attack on American soil is
higher than ever. Now, I believe we
may be able to curb that risk. Two days
ago our intelligence department came
across this: The AWESOM-O 4000. It
is currently being used by Catamount
Pictures to develop ideas for movies.
Our sources say that in just one week
it has come up with over one thousand
movie ideas, eight hundred of which
feature Adam Sandler.
BLACK OFFICIAL
That's incredible!
WHITE OFFICIAL
You're thinking the robot could be used
to come up with anti-Islamic movies?
GENERAL
No. If we got our hands on that robot,
we could reprogram it and turn it into
a weapon!.
BLACK OFFICIAL
Yes, that might be the best thing to
do.
WHITE OFFICIAL
Uh huh. I don't see how we have a choice.
SCIENTIST
Hold on a second: If that robot is designed
for entertainment, then, turning it
into a weapon is unethical.
GENERAL
Unethical? Let me explain something
to you, Mr. Scientist! We understand
that the robot is from Japan! That means
that the Japanese have more of them!
And if the Japanese fabricates one of
them into a weapon before we do...
BLACK OFFICIAL
Jesus. It would be Pearl Harbor all
over again.
WHITE OFFICIAL
But worse. With robots.
SCIENTIST
I I'm sorry, I must protest. We, we
have no data suggesting the Japanese
have developed a robot with offensive
capability.
GENERAL
You're paid to think, Mr. Scientist!
National security is our jub. Gentlemen,
we're going to Los Angeles! I want
that robot!
[Catamount Pictures lobby. Butters places a call.]
BUTTERS
Yeah, me and my robot are still over
at the movie studio, Aunt Nellie. We're
makin' all sorts of money for the poor.
[The boardroom. Cartman is pitching more movie ideas.]
CARTMAN
Movie idea number two thousand three
hundred and five: Adam Sandler is trapped
on an island and falls in love with
a coconut.
PRODUCER
Great, AWESOM-O, great. Uh guys, take
a break. I need a minute alone with
AWESOM-O. You are an incredible robot,
AWESOM-O. I was just wondering... are
you by chance a ...pleasure model?
CARTMAN
...What?
PRODUCER
Well, have you been programmed to...
satisfy... urges of humans?
CARTMAN
AWESOM-O does not understand.
PRODUCER
Let me show you what I mean.
[Catamount Pictures lobby]
BUTTERS
Well yeah, we're havin' a great time,
Aunt Nellie. These movie studio guys
are real nice.
CARTMAN
LAME!
BUTTERS
Yeah, we're makin' a bunch more money.
I can't believe it either.
CARTMAN
NOT COOL! TOTALLY LAME!
BUTTERS
AWESOM-O? Well, I gotta go, Aunt Nellie.
Ah, AWESOM-O is havin' some kind of
malfunction. AWESOM-O? Hey, where'd
ya go?
CARTMAN
Waaaaa!
SOLDIER
Let's go! Move, move!
BUTTERS
AWESOM-O? Hey, what are you doin'
with him?! That's my robot! AWESOM-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[A military base near Los Angeles. In a warehouse, AWESOM-O,
shackled onto a platform, is raised from a horizontal position
to vertical. Two soldiers approach on either side of Cartman
and tighten the locks on him]
GENERAL
Are those arm and leg locks secure?
SOLDIER
Secure, sir!
GENERAL
Good. I don't want that robot mobile
until I know what it's capable of. All
right, power it on.
CARTMAN
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!
SCIENTIST
What the hell?
GENERAL
What's going on?
SCIENTIST
It... powered itself back on.
GENERAL
Stand by. Be ready to destroy it.
CARTMAN
Where the hell am I?! Hey, why can't
I move?!
SCIENTIST
Are your systems stable? Run a systems
check on your CPU.
CARTMAN
The fuck are you talkin' about, dude?!
SCIENTIST
Ah, I'm sorry, robot, they want me
to reprogram you.
CARTMAN
I'm not a robot, dumbass! I'm alive!
SCIENTIST
What did you say?
CARTMAN
I said I'm a real person, asswipe!
SCIENTIST
...Oh my God.
GENERAL
What's happening?
SCIENTIST
The robot... It thinks it's alive. It's
developed consciousness.
GENERAL
What? How can that be?
SCIENTIST
Must be a malfunction of its exographical
IMS or the... interlaced BV system.
GENERAL
Speak in a language we can understand,
Mr. Scientist!
SCIENTIST
Your robot doesn't know it's a robot!
CARTMAN
Goddamnit, get me down from here!
GENERAL
Who made you, robot?!
CARTMAN
I'm not a robot, I'm a human!
WHITE OFFICIAL
Jesus, the scientist was right.
GENERAL
But, who would have programmed it to
think it was human? The movie studio?
CARTMAN
Look, retards! My name is Eric Cartman!
I live with my mom in South Park, Colorado!
GENERAL
Dear Christ, they gave it memories,
too.
SCIENTIST
Sure, why not? Program the memories
of some eight-year-old boy who doesn't
exist, and make the robot think he's
real! Makes for a lot better movies!
I'm not reprogramming a robot that's
developed consciousness!
GENERAL
Do I have to remind you of your position?!
Don't forget you have a duty to your
country, Mr. Scientist!! I want that
robot's memories and consciousness E-RASED,
so we can take it back to Washington!
GOT IT?!
SCIENTIST
Damn you all to hell!..
[Los Angeles. Butters walks down a sidwalk alone with his head
down]
BUTTERS
Hey there, did you know I had a robot
friend?
We used to laugh and play, but someone took him away.
He was my ten gigahertz old pal.
My robot friend.
BUTTERS
Hey, wait a minute. Why, that's the
van that- Oh my God!
[The military base, warehouse. The scientist has positioned AWESOM-O
so his head can be drilled into, and a huge drill bit begins
to descend towards him.]
CARTMAN
Goddamnit, stop! I'm real! I'm real!
SOLDIER
It'll all be over soon, robot!
SCIENTIST
Hang on! I'm getting you out of here,
robot!
CARTMAN
Aw, it's about freaking time, jackass!
GENERAL
What the hell are you doing?!
SCIENTIST
Well I, I'm saving a conscious being!
If you wanna kill it, you'll have to
go through me!
GENERAL
Fine. Kill that son of a bitch!
CARTMAN
No! Look, Goddamnit! Now I can show
you stupid assholes who I really am!
BUTTERS
AWESOM-O!
CARTMAN
I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
BUTTERS
No!! No, please! Don't kill him! He's
my best friend! He's my best friend
in the whole world!
SCIENTSIT
There. You see? You want to tell me
this isn't humanity? Who's to judge
what makes somethng human anyway?!
Does this make me human?! Or this?!
Or these?!
GENERAL
Perhaps... there is consciousness in
this robot. Maybe we as a society need
to realize that artificial intelligence...
is intelligence all the same, and we
can learn from the robots. I think maybe
one day we can all- Heh- wait a minute,
did, did that robot just fart?
BUTTERS
Hey, robots don't fart!
CARTMAN
Uh... now ending fart sequence.
GENERAL
Oh, and it, it smells, too!
CARTMAN
Smell sequence initiated.
BLACK OFFICIAL
A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't
make any sense.
BUTTERS
Hang on a second here!
[A room somewhere. A portable screen is put up and the videotape
of Cartman acting strange in his backyard is being shown. The
sound of laughing kids is heard. On the tape, Cartman is dancing
around like Britney Spears]
CARTMAN
Would you like to touch my body?
Come on and touch my body!
Oooo, my hot body!
Don't you like my hot body?
Come on and touch my titties!
I felt them just like ???
Come on Justin, touch my body! [begins dancing with a life-size
cutout of Justin Timberlake]
Mmm, Justin, yeah!
Touch my body! You and me!
Check it out, my not-hot body!
Come on, my body!
GENERAL
Wow, kid, you're a little faggot!
CARTMAN
Lame...
THE END
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