"BEST FRIENDS FOREVER"
[Dawn over Cartman's house. He runs into his mother's bedroom]
Mom! Mom! Get up, we have to go! MOM,
Oh, Poopie-kins, it's very early.
Mom, I told you! The new Sony PSP game
machines go on sale at seven a.m. today.
I have to be the first to get one!
Sweetie, can't we go after school?
Everyone's moms are taking their kids
after school! We're outsmarting everyone
by getting to the store right when it
opens! Let's go!
[Liane's car, some time later. She and Cartman drive along, Cartman
bouncing happily in his seat]
I can't wait to see the look on everyone's
faces when I show up to school with
a PSP! I wonder if Kyle will cry? Oh
PLEASE let Kyle cry! What the hell?!
[Before them is a long line of people in front of Luau's Toys
waiting for the PSP. The camera reaches the front of the line
only to find Kenny right at the front door. He's the first one
in line. Cartman approaches Kenny]
Kenny, when did you get here?
Friday?! Aw, Jesus! I'll just... sort
of get in here- in here.
Hey dickhole! What do you think you're
Uh, my friend Kenny was saving my place
There's no saving place, fourthie! Get
to the back or we'll beat your face
Oh, Goddamnit! They'd better not sell
[The bus stop, later in the day. Kenny is playing with his PSP
as Stan and Kyle look on. Stan and Kyle weren't in line]
That thing is pretty cool. What games
did you get with it?
It's a game called "Heaven versus Hell."
Kenny commands the armies of heaven
against the forces of Satan. Dude,
you see what Kenny got?
YES YES, I KNOW! UP YOURS, KYLE!
Wuh what'd I do?
JUST SHUT YOUR JEW MOUTH!
"Congratulations! You have reached ...lever
Wow, level nine already? Dude, you kick
ass in "Heaven versus Hell."
Yeah, Kenny finally found something
he's really good at.
[A montage follows. Kenny is seen in class playing on his PSP,
then in the cafeteria, then in the playground, then in his bedroom
at night. He reaches lever 24. He's then seen at the amusement
park with his family, still playing with his PSP, then in "The
Mine Shaft" roller coaster, where he reaches lever 45. He's seen
on the bus playing on his PSP while the other students are having
fun, then in Le Bijou playing while Stan and Kyle watch a movie,
then on the sidewalk passing some hot babes - he doesn't look
up to acknowledge them, then in his bed again at night. He reaches
[Kenny's house, day, the kitchen. He's still playing on his PSP]
Kenny? Kenny, are you still playin'
with that thing? Kenny, it's been two
weeks and you've done nothin' else!
(I could get to level sixty!)
Who cares if you almost made it to lever
sixty?! You're wastin' your life, Kenny!
If you died tomorrow, what would you
have to show for it?! You'er gonna end
up wishin' you'd done more with your
life, just like your dead-beat father!
Hey, I heard that, bitch!
I wasn't talkin' to you, asshole!!
How about I come in there and kick
your teeth in!
I'd like to see you try!
[Kenny leaves the house and goes to the sidewalk]
Goddamnit, do you have to smart off
at me in my own house?!
It's my house too, you no-good loser!
You have reached level sixty!
(Yes! Woohoo! I did it! I reached lever
Oh yeah, lever four, sweet!
[The street. Kenny's body lies on the road. Eventually his soul
rises out of his body]
(Hey, that's odd.) (Hey, I'm floating.
That can't be! Hey wait!)
[He reaches heaven, right side up, and bounces once before landing.
He walks towards the Golden Gates]
Open the gate!
Open the gate!
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Kenny.
I am Peter.
(What the fuck is going on?)
There isn't much time, Kenny. You're
dead, but, your death was no accident.
Heaven needs you.
Come! There is much to discuss. Things
are not good in Heaven, Kenny. Satan
is planning a massiva attack and he
knows we are too few in number to stop
him! God has changed the rules here.
For ages, only Mormons were allowed
into Heaven. But knowing that Hell
was becoming much larger, God decided
to let more people cross over so that
he could build an army as well, an army
that YOU must command.
(That I what??)
The Sony PSP was built by God, to determine
who on Earth had the best skills to
defeat the armies of Satan. You... are
the best. YOU, are the only hope for
[In a great courtyard outside the super-basilica. An angel addresses
Satan's army grows as we speak. The
Dark Lord knows that our armies are
few in number, and unorgamized. So our
only hope... is perfect strategy.
A child? This is God's solution?
He beat Satan's army in over three thousand
Archangel Michael, what say you?
The child did something none of us
could: Reach lever sixty on the PSP.
Now I don't know if that's luck or perseverence,
but it's Goddamned impressive. All right,
Kenny, let me show you what we're up
against. This is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Satan's armies will attack the gate
...here. They are... ten billion in
number. Maybe more. Our armies are
here, here, and here. Just under...
ten thousand strong. We are outnumbered
and in need of someone who can singlehandedly
bring the whole Dark Empire down. Basically,
Kenny, you... are Keanu Reeves.
[Hell. Satan's armies mill about, the troops arm each other.
Satan addresses them]
My fellow damned souls! Now is the time
for our assault! You know no fear!
You will drink the blood of angels!
We go now! Nothing can stop us!
Step aside! Step aside, I say! Satan!
God has mocked thee once again!
God has found a way to defeat your army.
A young man. Basically, he he's like
Oh Jesus Christ.
My Lord. My Lord, we must attack, now!
What's the point?! They have a Keanu
Do not fear, my Lord. Your army is great!
Very well. Demon Army, begin your march
[Michael and Kenny walk to one of the ramparts and look out over
Up here, you get the best tactical view
to protect the fortress. It is from
here, Kenny, that you shall command
the armies of heaven.
(All right. How am I supposed to do
Simple. You will use... this.
This golden PSP is king of all PSPs.
Hail the holy PSP.
It works just like the ones we sent
to Earth. All the commands you make
will be sent to the troops down on the
battlefield. All you have to do is play
the game, Kenny. Only this time, It's
Gabriel returns with news!
Hell's army is departing! They head
now for the Gates of Heaven.
Prepare the troops! We must be ready
for them! The time is at hand, Kenny.
The stage is set and the final battle
between Heaven and Hell is about to
begin! The fate of the outcome is in
your hands. Where'd he go?
[Hell's Pass Hospital. The paddles have been taken to Kenny and
Doctor! Doctor, we have a pulse!
Then that's it! We brought him back.
Amazing, doctor! You've revived somebody
who's been legally dead for almost a
Call the parents. They're going to be
shocked to find out... their son is
[Hell's Pass, later]
It's the latest in electro-plastilical
science. Your son's organs are all functioning
It's a miracle... Kenny, you're alive.
I'm a-fraid he can't respond to you.
You see, being dead for that long, most
of Kenny's brain cells died from lack
of oxygen. Your son is alive, but, in
what we call a "persistant meditative
Will he ever recover?
I'm afraid no. Brain cells cannot be
repaied once dead. But his soul is still
in here. Almost... trapped in here,
if you will. Kenny is the same as he
ever was. It's just that, now, he's
more like ...a tomato.
He can't more on hiw own-ah how will
A feeding tube. It pumps a nutrient
paste directly into Kenny's stomache.
With it we can actually keep Kenny the
tomato alive for years.
[Back in heave, business goes on as usual]
A feeding tube?!
Yes. Apparently they're using machines
to keep them alive.
But... that's not natural. God intended
Kenny to die! What are these people
The child's soul is now trapped inside
his vegetative body. We have no one
to command the troops with the PSP's
And Satan's armies are approaching.
[A brick building. Inside, a lawyer sees the four boys.]
Boys I want to thank you for coming
down to my office on such short notice.
Are we in trouble or something?
No. Boys, I'm a laywer. Your friend
Kenny has passed away and I've called
you here to read his will.
Kenny had a will?
In the highly liekly event of my death,
I, Kenny McCormick, wish to leave all
my belongings to my good friends, Stan
and Kyle. Dudes, you were the friends
a guy could have.
That's... really touching.
To Eric Cartman: Eric, I never really
liked you. But then, nobody does. You
have no ability to feel, and you are
going to die alone and miserable. It
is only because I feel so sorry for
you that I leave you my Sony PSP.
Oh yeah! Oh yeah, baby! Who the man?
Who the man?
There is one more thing I would like
to ask you all, as my friends. If I
should ever be in a vegetative state
and kept alive on life-support, please,...
I don't know. I lost the last page.
Who cares? Kenny's dead! When do I
take possession of my PSP, sir?
It's right here, along with Kenny's
other belongings. They're all yours.
Kenny McCormick! He's alive at the hospital!
Oh my God!
[Satan's armies continue their march to Heaven. Satan looks on
through his crystal ball]
Your army nears the Kingdon of Heaven,
I don't know if we should continue without
knowing more about this Keanu Reeves
Satan! I come bearing good news! The
Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on
Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven.
Then God is helping us. Full march,
to the Gates of Heaven! Victory is ours!
[The boys reached Hell's Pass and enter Kenny's recovery room
Kenny! You're alive!
Dude, how's you do that??
He can't responde to you, boys. Being
dead for that long caused severe damage
to his brain,
Well... well then he's NOT alive.
He's alive. He-ee smiles when I talk
to him. I think...
That's not Kenny. Kenny sniffs paint
and sets things on fire! Here, look.
Kenny, Kenny look. Want a dollar?
I I don't know if it's right to keep
Kenny alive on that machine. I I just...
I don't know what he would want.
Yeah, the lawyer lost that page.
Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me
this one time, that he wouldn't wanna
be kept alive via feeding tube.
He did? When?
Um, it was um, this one time...
He did not say that! You just want him
dead so you can have his stupid PSP!
Stupid? PSP is stupid?! Did you all
hear that?? Uh I mean, I mean this
isn't about PSP, Kyle! This is about
my friend, and his wishes. And Kenny
said he didn't want to live like this!
He did not!
Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin'
Jew! I'm gonna get that feeding tube
removed if I have to go all the way
to the Supreme Court!
[Heaven. The angels mill around inside the fortress]
Satan's army has crossed over the Plains
Then they will be here on the morrow.
Without Kenny's soul here there will
be nobody who can use the holy PSP.
No! There is another. A Japanese boy
did make it to level fifty-nine.
Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people
don't have souls!
Oh, right right, I'm sorry
Kenny remains our only hope! Here is
what we must do. Gabriel and Uriel,
you go down to Earth and try to get
that feeding tube removed. In the meantime
we will put all our troops at Heaven's
Gate. We will try to keep Hell's Aermy
from breaking through as long as possible.
Hopefull, it will be long enough to
get our Keanu Reeves back.
[The Colorado Supreme Court, day.]
You see your honor, I was the only one
that Kenny McCormick told his wishes
to. And Kenny told me specifically that
he would never want to be kept alive
on a machine. What they're doing to
him ...is not right.
Well I'm sorry, young man, but the parents
want their child kept alive. I don't
believe you have any legal authority
I do have legal authority, your honor.
You see, I was Kenny's... BFF.
Best friends forever?
That's right. Kenny and I have been
BFFs since first grade. Here, look.
Kenny has the other half of this BFF
necklace. I believe you all know what
that means, and how serious this is.
[Hell's Pass hospital, Kenny's room. Kenny's parents keep vigil
with Stan and Kyle.]
Look, Kenny, your friends are here to
visit you again.
But this just doesn't seem right.
Wha, what's the matter, doctor?
I'm afraid I've been given a court order
to remove Kenny's feeding tube.
He's right in here.
Kenny's BFF says that Kenny didn't want
to be kept alive artificially. The courts
have determined we must obey his wish.
Cartman is NOT Kenny's BFF!
Sir, take a look at this.
That's all the verification we need.
Pull the feeding tube, doctor.
No doctor! You can't!
I'm sorry. I have no choice.
[Hell's Pass hospital, outside. Uriel and Gabriel arrive]
Here is the hospital
This is hopeless, Gabriel. We cannot
interact with anything on Earth, how
could we possibly get a feeding tube
That dirty no-good sonofabitch!
Now that Cartman got Kenny's feeding
tube out, he he's gonna die for sure!
The tube has been removed?
How can they let an eight-year-old decide
Apparently, some blessed child has done
our work for us.
Good. Now all we must do is pray nobody
interferes with the child's death a
Dude, we have to do whatever we can
to get that feeding tube put back in!
Let's go to the, uh, media. We'll make
everyone in the country know that they're
Yeah, come on!
No! No, no boys! Aw Goddamnit!
[HBC World News. Splashy graphics.]
This is HBC News. A right-to-die case
debate is heating up in Colorado, where
Kenny McCormick's feeding tube has been
removed by his BFF. Two boys are bringing
national attention to this story by
protesting outside the hospital.
[Hell's Pass hospital, outside. The protest has begun]
Don't kill Kenny!
Don't kill Kenny!
No! No, they're not killing him, they're
letting him die!
You bureaucrats have no right to play
God and take that tube out!
Nono, see, they were playing God when
they put the feeding tube IN!
A woman was arrested for trying to bring
food to the patient.
Get your man-hands off of me!
However, a growing number of people
are also standing behind Kenny's BFF,
We must respect the wishes of people's
BFFs. Otherwise, all our BFF necklaces
would become meaningless
We all have BFFs, and we believe that
a BFF is the highest legal authority.
That's right. Respect our authoritih-m.
[Satan watches on his TV, which is much nicer than the one in
his bedroom. The hooded figure stands nearby]
What mockery is this?!
The feeding tube has been pulled! If
the child dies and his soul returns
to heaven, God will have his Keanu Reeves!
Perhaps the child won't die in time.
Forget it! I'm calling the attack off!
No! Keep your army marching, my Lord.
I will get that feeding tube put back
I will do what we always do: Use the
[The White house, a press conference on the lawn. People carry
signs saying "Kenny Is Alive" "Murder Is Not A Choice" and "Don't
We Republicans are deeply saddened by
the tragic events in Colorado.
Removing the feeding tube is murder,
Removing the feeding tube is murder!
Who are we to decide if Kenny should
live or die?
Who are we to decide if Kenny should
live or die?
Who are we to decide if Kenny should
live or die?
It is God's will that he live!
It is God's will that he LIVE! Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
No no, you don't say that part.
No no, you don't say that part, haghaghaghagha.
[Heaven't Gate. The armies of Hell converge in front of it]
Jesus, their army is massive.
Heaven help us.
[HBC World News.]
The biggest battle of all time is about
to begin: the battle of the feeding
tube! As people on both sides of the
argument vie for media attention.
[Kenny's hospital room. Both sides of the controversy chatter
We want all the country to see that
Kenny is alive, and in pain!
I believe the people at home see he's
NOT in pain because he's a tomato!
You say tomato, but I say Kenny!
You say Kenny, but I say tomato!
Uuhh, excuse me. I uh, just found the
last page of Kenny's will.
I found the page where Kenny specified
his wishes about being on life support.
Well, what does it say?
If I should ever be in a vegetative
state and kept alive on life support,
please... for the love of God, don't
ever show me in that condition on national
Oh geez. Maybe we let this thing get
out of hand. This issue is so complicated,
but... mmaybe we shhhould just let Kenny
go in peace.
You mean, Cartman's side is right?
Cartman's side is right, for the wrong
reasons. But we're wrong, for the right
Come on, everybody. I think Kenny wants
to be left alone.
[HBC World News.]
We've just received word that Kenny
McCormick... has passed away. The debate
still rages on in America, but at least
now, Kenny... is in a much more peaceful
[Heaven, inside the fortress. Angels scurry around in a panic]
The armies of Satan have already broken
through the gate!
We're gonna die!!!
Send our troops to the battlefield!
I'll command as best I can!
Michael! Michael! The humans finally
did the right thing!
Oh my God, they killed Kenny! Get him
into the command station! Hurry! Satan's
army charges! Tell our troops what to
do, Kenny! So it begins. Now we shall
see the final battle between Heaven
and Hell play out! Yesss, good, Kenny!
The angel spearmen are taking out their
demon soulrippers! Oh, the cavalry angels
are clashing with their Black Knights!
Oh my God! My God, this battle is epic!
Ohh, they're bringing in their demon
dragons! Look at the size of them! My
God, this is even bigger than the final
battle in the Lord of the Rings movie!
It's like, it's like TEN times bigger
than that battle!
[Hell. Satan is watching the battle through his crystal ball]
No! NO! How are we losing?!
The child's soul is in Heaven! God has
his secret weapon!
Patience, my Lord!
No, Kevin! That's it! I'm breaking
up with you!
[Heaven. Kenny's still at it]
Yesss. Yes, Kenny! Satan's forces are
retreating! This is TRULY a sight to
behold! OH I wish I had a camcorder!
We have done it! We have defeated the
armies of Satan!
Kenny! Bless your soul! You've saved
all of Heaven!
Yes, Kenny! And to thank you for all
you've done, we are going to give you
a very special gift. For saving the
entire universe from the forces of evil,
we give you this. Keanu Reeves' statue.
Best Friends Forever
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy