"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 406
"CHEROKEE HAIR TAMPONS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's classroom. But this
day, a substitute teacher enters with a bag of stuff and makes
an announcement.]
SUBSTITUTE
Good morning, children. Mr. Garrison
is away today. I am your substitute
teacher, Mr. Wyland.
CARTMAN
Oh, sweet, dude. Substitute teacher.
MR. WYLAND
Now, I understand that some students
in this class like to mess with substitute
teachers. But if we all behave and
respect each other, I'm sure we can
make this a fun and productive day.
Let's start with roll call. Let's see,
mmmmm. Eric Cartman?
STAN
Here!
MR. WYLAND
Alright, and how about Stan Marsh?
KENNY
(Here.)
WENDY
It's not that funny, you guys. Jesus.
MR. WYLAND
Okay, and where iiiiss... Kenny McCormick?
CARTMAN
(Here.) Oh, hoho. Ow.
STAN
Dude, what the hell was that?
CARTMAN
Oh, huh. Oh, geez, you know, when you're
laughin' so hard that the milk comes
out your nose? Uh ho ho, man!
STAN
...Dude, you weren't drinking any milk.
CARTMAN
Huh?
STAN
You have to be drinking milk for that
to happen.
CARTMAN
Not with me, man.
MR. WYLAND
Alright. Look, why don't we skip roll
call? Here's what we're gonna do today.
I've been told that one of your classmates
has been ill for several days — Kyle
Broflovski?
STAN
He's fakin'!
MR. WYLAND
Well, I've been told that in Mr. Garrison's
absence, our activity for the day is
to make a get-well card for Kyle. So
I got this large piece of poster board,
and we're all gonna come up and use
glitter.and glue to decorate it.
THE CLASS
Awww.
CARTMAN
He's fakin'!
MR. WYLAND
Kenny, you come and decorate the get-well
card, too.
CARTMAN
But I don't want Kyle to get well. I
hate Kyle.
MR. WYLAND
I don't care! Get down here and do it!
BUTTERS
Hey, watch it! Hey, what are you doin'?
Get Well
Kyle
STAN
Now, that's a get-well card!
[Denver, day. The Denver School Administration building is shown.
Inside, the South Park School Board is meeting. Principal Victoria
is present among the three people seated around a horseshoe-shaped
table.]
CHAIRMAN
Mr. Garrison, after very careful review
the school board believes that you should
take a... hiatus from teaching. Indefinitely.
MR. GARRISON
What??
BOARD MEMBER
Frankly, your conduct has been somewhat
disconcerting.
CHAIRMAN
Did you know that not one of your students
knew who Sam Adams was?
MR. GARRISON
Well, who cares about a guy that makes
beer?! Jesus Christ, I'm trying to teach
history!
CHAIRMAN
...Frankly, Mr. Garrison, it isn't even
your educational record that we're most
concerned about. It's your somewhat
substantial police record.
MR. GARRISON
Oh, whatever!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Mr. Garrison, last week's charges of
attempting to solicit sex from a minor
wa-
MR. GARRISON
That was not me, that was Mr. Hat!
BOARD MEMBER
All we're saying is, perhaps you should
take a little hiatus from teaching until
this little "child molestation" thing
dies down a bit.
MR. GARRISON
Gentlemen, teaching is all I know.
It is the air that I breathe.
CHAIRMAN
We're sorry, Mr. Garrison, we have no
choice.
MR. GARRISON
Very well. I guess... I'm not a teacher
anymore. I suppose you'll be wanting
my badge and gun...
CHAIRMAN
Mr. Garrison, most teachers do not carry
a gun!
MR. GARRISON
Oh, sorry. So I can keep it then?
[Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. He's in bed delirious and mumbling.
His door opens and in walks Sheila with Sharon and Stan.]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, Stan and his mother came over
to visit you.
SHARON
Hello, sweetie.
STAN
Dude, you can stop faking now. We got
a substitute teacher.
KYLE'S MOTHER
They say it's his kidneys. Kyle always
has been a diabetic and lately his kidneys
have just been shutting down.
SHARON
Well, the kids at school made you a
card, Kyle. Look.
STAN
Go on, Butters!
BUTTERS
Ho, I don't wanna!
STAN
Butters, go on!
BUTTERS
Oh, uhuh alright, then.
We're so sorry you're not feeling well.
We hope you're better soon.
So we're bringing you some sunshine
[brings out a cane and dances]
Everybody misses you
And though we hate to cause a fuss
We'd like to say, "Get well soon!"
And "Please don't die on us."
[pulls a rip cord and a bunch of ballons inflate automatically
around hin. Kyle babbles some more]
STAN
Dude, you really are sick, huh?
KYLE
I don't know, I...
KYLE'S MOTHER
I don't know what to do, Sharon. They
wanna have him go into surgery, but
they're so dangerous.
SHARON
Sheila, have you tried holistic natural
medicines? They work wonders. I read
all about in People.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Really? In People?
SHARON
There's a brand-new shop in town that
sells holistic medicines and all-natural
foods. It's run by this fascinating
woman named "Miss Information."
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, well, with a name like "Miss Information"
she must know something.
SHARON
Why don't we at least take Kyle down
there and see what she has to say.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Okay. I'll get our coats.
BUTTERS
Can I go now?
[South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Craig... oh, never
mind.]
MR. GARRISON
I don't know what I'm goin' tuh do,
Mackey. Teaching is all I know.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay, well, maybe you need to view
this as a chance to do something you've
always wanted to do.
MR. GARRISON
I've always wanted to write a novel.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, there you go, m'kay?
MR. GARRISON
But I never know what to write about.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well that's easy. Write about what you
know. Write about what you love. What
do you love most?
MR. GARRISON
Besides teaching?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yes.
MR. GARRISON
...Poontang.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M, m'kay
MR. GARRISON
I can't help it. I'm a womanizer sometimes,
I know, but I just think that... taking
a woman home and getting some hot poon
is about the greatest thing in the world.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well that settles it, Mr. Garrison.
What you need to do is go write a great
romance novel.
MR. GARRISON
Yes, that's it. I am going to write
the Great American Romance Novel!
Miss Information
(New Age Shop)
[The new shop. The sign is framed by two antlers and its entrance
is a curtain of beads. In the picture window you see a pyramid
with an eye on one side, a crystal ball and stand, a little elephant,
and some charms. Outside, under the window, is a bed of flowers.
Inside, Miss Information talks to Stan, Kyle, and their moms.
Kyle looks fatigued]
MISS INFORMATION
You see, the reason our body is stale
is because of toxins.
SSHEILA
Toxins?
MISS INFORMATION
All the horrible food we eat—the sodas
and meats are filled with toxins, and
the only way for us to get better is
to flush those toxins out of our system.
Western medicine is so quick to cut
and carve up, but all your son needs
is a toxin-flushing diet of lemon juice
and cayenne pepper.
SHARON
Wow, that's amazing, Miss Information!
KYLE'S MOTHER
You hear that, Kyle? You don't need
surgery after all.
STAN
Uh excuse ne, but, what do these toxins
look like?
MISS INFORMATION
What?
STAN
Wuh, have you ever actually seen a toxin?
SHARON
Don't be a smartass, Stanley.
MISS INFORMATION
Mrs. Broflovski, I would like to give
your son herbs that focus on the kidney.
I have these excellent herbs from local
Native Americans.
SHARON
Ooo, Native Americans. Now, they know
how to heal the body spiritually.
[Mr. Garrison's house, night. A second-story window casts a shadow
of Mr. Garrison at his laptop computer. He types...]
MR. GARRISON
Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana's lips, her knees
went weak. Slowly, he pulled her top down, exposing her soft,
unyielding breasts
Oh yeah, now this is getting good [sips some wine]
Just the sight of those breasts made Reginald's penis very hard.
[taps his chin with his left index finger]
His penis was of considerable size, and now beads of sweat slowly
ran down his
[pauses]
penis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer fresh from out
of the pool. It was a fantastic penis, that seemed as strong
as a horse's leg, yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk.
What a grand, grand penis. Diana's nipples
[music cuts off. He thinks] Uh, let's see... [taps his chin with
his right index finger] Diana's nipples... [aloud] Oh, writer's
block, writer's block! Hmmm. Crap! I'm stuck. [turns his body
to one side] Oh well, maybe that's enough writing for today,
Mr. Hat.
[Kyle's house, morning. At Kyle's bedside, Sharon, Sheila, and
Liane talk to each other while Stan keeps vigil. Three other
mothers are there]
MRS. TWEEK
Oh my, he looks terrible.
BLONDE MOTHER
Yes, poor little dear.
MISS INFORMATION
Good morning, everyone.
BLONDE MOTHER
Oh, thanks for coming, Miss. Information.
Kyle seems to be getting worse.
MISS INFORMATION
Huuuuuuuuuh Oh, I don't agree. He seems
much better.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Really?
STAN
What?
MISS INFORMATION
Yes, his chi is flowing much nicer than
yesterday, and his aura is lighter.
SHARON
Oh, that's great news!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh no!
MISS INFORMATION
Nono, that's good. Those are the toxins
flushing out of the system.
SHARON
Ooooo.
STAN
Those aren't toxins. That's the been
with bacon soup he ate half an hour
ago.
SHARON
Stanley, what did I say about being
a smartass?!
STAN
Don't be a smartass?
MISS INFORMATION
Now, don't be fooled. As Kyle's body
sheds itself more and more of all the
toxins he will appear to be getting
worse, but actually, he is getting better!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Wow. Well, I am on natural medicines.
If only I had known sooner.
OTHER MOTHERS
I agree. Yeah. That's right.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Doctor is in his office filling
out a form]
NURSE
Mr. Marsh is here to see you.
DR. DOCTOR
Alright, send him in. Oh, Stanley.
STAN
Hi, doctor.
DR. DOCTOR
How can I help you?
STAN
Well, it's my friend, Kyle. I think
he's really, really sick.
DR. DOCTOR
He is really, really sick, Stanley.
I was seeing him last week when he first
got ill, but unfortunately his mother
has decided to put all her trust intuuuh
holistic medicine..
STAN
But I don't think it's working.
DR. DOCTOR
Alright, Stanley, I'm going to be very
honest with you. Your little friend
Kyle needs a kidney transplant. Or it
is very possible that... he will die.
STAN
Die? But... Kyle's my best friend. In
the whole world.
DR. DOCTOR
I know this is a lot to lay on someone
your age, but... the rest of the town
is so gung-ho in New Age medicine that
I have nowhere else to turn.
STAN
...I'll give Kyle my kidney, even if it
hurts a whole lot; I don't care.
DR. DOCTOR
That's very brave, Stan, but I've already
checked my records, and you and Kyle
aren't a match for kidneys. In fact,
there's only one person in South Park
with the same blood type as Kyle.
STAN
Who? Oh, shit.
[Cartman's house, day. Cartman and Kenny are playing at dogfights
in the air, and Kenny makes sound effects while maneuvering a
yellow ship]
KENNY
(Rrrrooowwwrrr, rroowwrr, pew, pew,
POW.)
CARTMAN
"Coming in for attack, Captain." Pipew,
pipipew Give me the space cruiser,
Kenny.
KENNY
(No, no.)
CARTMAN
Come on, Kenny, you have to give me
the subspace cruiser so I can destroy
the Gengrins on Crespus 5.
KENNY
(Unngh. Stop, no! No, it's mine!)
(There! It's mine!)
CARTMAN
No, mine. M'yah! Ha haa ha! I broke
your space cruiser, Kenny! Ha haa, ha
ha ha bluh oh, ha-ow!
LIANE
Ooh, sweetums, did you laugh too hard
again?
CARTMAN
Yeah.
LIANE
Well, some more of your little friends
are here to play with you.
CARTMAN
Okay, mom.
LIANE
And don't get too close to Kyle. He
looks like he might have the AIDS.
CARTMAN
What's goin' on, guys?
STAN
Cartman, we have to ask you a quuestion.
A very serious question.
CARTMAN
Oh-kay.
STAN
Kyle's in trouble, Cartman. I can see
him getting worse right before my eyes.
There might be a way that you... can save
his life.
CARTMAN
Uh huh.
STAN
What Kyle really needs... is a new kidney.
CARTMAN
Oh, I think I see where this is going.
STAN
His mom is trying all this Eastern medicine
and New Age bullcrap on him, but its
obviously not working.
CARTMAN
Stan, why don't you just ask the question?
STAN
Alright. Will you donate one of your
kidneys to Kyle?
CARTMAN
No no, no no, no!
No no, no no, no!
STAN
But you only need one, fat boy!
CARTMAN
No no, no no, nono no!
Nonono, no no!
STAN
Dude, one of your friends is goin' tuh
die! Don't you see how serious this
is?!
KENNY
(Not when I try to tell him!)
CARTMAN
Well, perhaps I could see my way to
giving up a kidney. For a price.
STAN
Oh my God!
KYLE
How much?
CARTMAN
I don't know. How much is your life
worth to you, Kyle?
STAN
Cartman, you are so going to hell when
you die!
CARTMAN
Yes, well, until then, I need about
ten million dollars.
KENNY
(Ten million dollars??)
STAN
What the hell would you do with ten
million dollars, fatass?!
CARTMAN
What I intend to do with the money is
not an issue, is it? I suggest you start
looking for that money quickly. Kyle
doesn't seem to have much time. Tick-tock.
Tick-tock.
STAN
Come on, Kyle. Let's get out of here.
CARTMAN
Okay. Where were we, Kenny? Oh yeah.
"Quick, Captain, we must destroy the
Gengrin across the fire." Give me the
space cruiser. Give it, Kenny. M'yah!
[Miss Information's shop, next day. A line of folks wait to enter
the shop while a few shoppers exit with their purchases. Inside,
the shop is busy.]
MAN 1
Ooo, free-range aspirin!
MAN 2
All-natural cell phones!
MISS INFORMATION
Oh, look eveyone. These are our two
resident Native Americans. Chief Running
Pinto, and Carlos Ramirez.
MAN 3
Ooo.
MAN 4
I'd like to buy some more stuff.
MAN 5
Come in. Come here, guys.
MAN 6
Do you have any new holistic items for
sale?
CARLOS RAMIREZ
Oohh, oh yeah. Aah... Here, uh, this
is a ahh dream...catcher.
WOMAN 1
Oh, a dreamcatcher. I'll buy one.
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
Yeah. And these here are Cherokee hair
tampons. They're, like, tampons made
with all-natural hair from the Cherokee
people.
SHARON
Ooh, a tampon made from Cherokee hair—now
that sounds natural.
MISS INFORMATION
Native Americans are more in tune with
the earth than we are.
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
Oh yeah. We love the earth, man.
CARLOS RAMIREZ
Oh yeah, the earth is great.
MISS INFORMATION
Mrs. Broflovski's son is a little sick.
Perhaps she could bring him in tomorrow
and you could give him some spiritual
healing.
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
Oh, sure. We could do that, man. We'll
give him, like, a, a brain enema, or
somethin'.
CARLOS RAMIREZ
uh'hm, ho ho hm.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Wonderful!
MISS INFORMATION
Why don't you follow me over to the
cash register and I'll take a deposit.
MAN 7
D'you have anymore stuff to sell? We
wanna buy more stuff.
MAN 8
Yes. Much, much more stuff.
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
Sure, uh, we just gotta go back to our
truck- I'm, I mean our horses and grab
some more junk. Come on.
MISS INFORMATION
Good-bye, Native Americans. The spirit
of Maya is with you.
CARLOS RAMIREZ
Oh yah. You too and junk.
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
That's funny, man.
SHARON
Oh hi, Stanley. Look, I'm buying you
some more all-natural toothpaste.
STAN
You mean the stuff that tastes like
ass and doesn't fight cavities?
SHARON
That's right.
STAN
Look, um... I know that you all think
the earth and its natural healing powers
can cure Kyle, but... the doctor at the
hospital told me it can't.
MISS INFORMATION
Well, of course the doctor told you
that, because he wants to make money.
Holistic modicine is about NATURE.
Two-hundered and thrity-three dollars.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Everything's going to be fine, Stan.
We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow to see
the Native Americans personally.
STAN
Isn't it possible that these Indians
don't know what thry're talking about?
SHARON
You watch your mouth, Stanley! The Native
Americans were raped of their land and
resources by white people like us!
STAN
And that has something to do with their
medicines because...?
SHARON
Enough, Stanley!
[Miss Information's shop, next day, curbside. Kenny is sitting
there. Stan exits the store, walks over to him, and sits down
next to him. Somber music plays]
STAN
Nobody wants to listen, Kenny.
KENNY
(I know.)
STAN
I don't know what else to do. I mean,
he could die, Kenny. And that means
we'd never see him again.
KENNY
(Uh huh.)
STAN
I guess maybe I've always taken friends
for granted, like they'd always be there.
If a friend died, I don't know what
I'd do. Well, I'm not just gonna stand
here and watch my friend die. Kenny,
go round up all the kids in town who
want to help Kyle! Round them up and
meet me at the bus stop at 7:30! Kyle's
gonna live!
KENNY
(Rrrh!)
[Mr. Garrison's hosue, night. He's back at his laptop. He's typing
with only his left hand now, while Mr. Hat sits on his right
hand]
MR. GARRISON
Chapter 18
Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an
erotic thought she often fantasized about.
Oh yeah, Mr. Hat. Hot lesbo scene comin' up!
And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help
but feel aroused.
"Go on", Rebecca said softly, "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly
and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips... It felt
good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warn to
the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was
surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all
around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood
forest of penises.
[unconsciously, his right hand lowers down towards his crotch
and is soon out of view, but the arm moves around some...]
They presented themselves tall and mighty all around her, with
[catches himself in the act] Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing?!
[looks around to see that no one is watching, then happily] Oh,
Mr. Hat.
[Bus stop, night. Stan waits with a book under his arm.]
STAN
Come on, where are they?
STAN
This is it??
KENNY
(Uh huh)
TIMMY
Timmiiihh!
STAN
This is everyone that wanted to help
Kyle??
BUTTERS
Well, Clyde was gonna come too, but
he, he said his mom was makin' tacos
for dinner and Clyde likes tacos a whole
lot.
STAN
Jesus Christ! Alright, Butters, you
take this medical book, and everyone
follow me!
BUTTERS
Huh, where are we goin'?
STAN
We're gon' tuh take Cartman's kidney.
[Cartman's house, night. Cartman is asleep in his bed... tossing
and turnng]
CARTMAN
No! NO! Hip- hippies all around me.
Help! Mommy! Huhuhippies!
[Cartman's house, outside. Stan and the others approach, and
Stan looks in the lower window. Stan now has a hand saw on his
right hand]
STAN
Okay, it's clear. Okay. Me and Butters
are gonna go up and take Cartman's kidney
out of him. Kenny, you stay here and
guard his mom's door here with Timmy.
TIMMY
Timmiihh!
STAN
Sshhh!
TIMMY
Timmiihh.
STAN
If she hears him screaming, or comes
out or anything, just... stall her. Alright?
KENNY
(Okay)
TIMMY
Timmiihh.
STAN
Alright Butters, let's go. Uh-oh, Cartman's
pig. Sshh, good pig. Good pig. Goood
pig. Sshh. Okay. Come on, we gotta
get outta here! Oh, no!
BUTTERS
Oh well, we're busted.
CARTMAN
Shut up, Fluffy!
STAN
Oh, phew.
[Cartman's house, later. Cartman's nightmare returns]
CARTMAN
Hippies. Hi-i-ippies. They're everywhere.
They wanna save the earth, but all they
do is smoke pot and smell bad. He-elp!
STAN
Okay, here we go. .Okay, let's see.
Looks like if we cut here, and here...
BUTTERS
I hope it's not too bloody; I'm wearin'
my favorite pants.
STAN
...vein right, well- Well, here goes
nothing. Help me pull his pajamas up.
No way! Kidney Blocker 2000?!
CARTMAN
whatwhatwhatwhat? Oh, it's Stan and
Butters! Trying to take my kidney, are
you?!
STAN
You suck, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Maybe so, but at least I was smart
enough to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000!
STAN
God-damnit, don't you care that Kyle
is gonna die?!
CARTMAN
I do! I do care! Look how much. Look.
Look how much I care.
HAREQUIN ROMANCE
BOOK PUBLISHING CO.
[Mr. Garrison has finished his novel and is now inside talking
to a publisher]
PUBLISHER
First and foemost, Mr. Garrison, I would
like to thank you for chosing Harequin
Romance
MR. GARRISON
Yeahyeahyeah. So, didi you read the
book?
PUBLISHER
Uh yes, Mr. Garrison, we did read your
book.
MR. GARRISON
Well, what did you think?
PUBLISHER
Well, uh, frankly, Mr. Garrison, n-we
don't know if the Harequin Romance label
is appropriate for you.
MR. GARRISON
Ooohhh, why not??
PUBLISHER
Mr. Garrison, uh... are you aware that
the word "penis" occurs six-thousand
and eighty-three times in your novel?
MR. GARRISON
Well, I'm sure there's lots of naughty
words. It is a romance novel.
PUBLISHER
Nnnno, I don't think that this book
really qualifies as a "romance novel."
MR. GARRISON
No?
PUBLISHER
No. No, this is what we in the book-publishing
business like to call... gay. Really,
really gay.
MR. GARRISON
What the hell are you talkin' about?!
PUBLISHER
It's just that the focus really seems
to be on the... male organs.
MR. GARRISON
Well, I thought it was mostly women
that read these things!
PUBLISHER
It is.
MR. GARRISON
Well, women want to read about ding-dongs!
D'you thnk women care about the details
of female anatomy?! Hel-lo! Women wanna
read about big, poweful schlongs! Look,
I've seen women read these things. They
skim along and skim along until they
get to the part about the penis! That's
what they want, so that's what I'm giving
them!
PUBLISHER
Hmmm.
[South Park, next day. Stan and Kenny sit on the curb in front
of "South Park Pianos"]
STAN
There's nothing more I can do, Kenny.
I've tried everything to save Kyle.
Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend!
KENNY
(Well uh, nobody seems to care when
I die on them!)
STAN
My friend is gonna die! He's gonna
die and there's nothing I can do about
it. Oh, God, he's my best friend...
KENNY
(Well now, that does it! I have had
enough of this bullshit! Screw you,
Stan. I'm going home!)
MOVER
Look out! Oops.
STAN
Awgh! I'll never see Kyle again!
[South Park, Miss Information's shop, day. More people line up
to buy holistic stuff. Inside, Carlos Ramirez and Chief Running
Pinto field orders.]
WOMAN
Four dozen Cherokee hair tampons, please.
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
No problem, man. Pay Miss Information
up front.
MAN 7
Hi, uh, I have a little bit of pain
in my balls whenever I watch VH1.
CARLOS RAMIREZ
Oh, here, try this, man. Ah, this is
allll-naturalll ball juice.
MAN 7
Wow, I feel better already!
MISS INFORMATION
And next we have Mrs. Broflovski's
son.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Okay, here he is.
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
Ahahem, that kid looks really sick.
MISS INFORMATION
Yes. He really needs his toxins flushed
again.
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
No. I mean, he look REALLY sick, man.
You should take him to, like, a doctor.
CUSTOMERS
Hmm?
KYLE'S MOTHER
But you're more in touch with the earth.
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
Look, bein' in touch with the earth
has nothing to do with dyin', man.
SHARON
It's okay. We trust that you know whar
you're doing.
CARLOS RAMIREZ
No, man, that kid needs a doctor! And
besides, we're not actually Native Americans.
I mean, I'm I'm more like a, a Mexican.
CUSTOMERS
What?!
MAN
Hu-uh?!
CARLOS RAMIREZ
Yeah. A Mexican.
MAN 7
Uugh. Ptu, ptu.
MAN 8
I didn't know that.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh my God!
SHARON
How dare you deceive us like that!
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
Hey, we never said we were Native Americans,
man. Miss Information said that.
CARLOS RAMIREZ
Yeah. She said nobody would buy anything
from Mexicans.
MISS INFORMATION
Uh, toxins ARE your enemy.
WOMAN 1
Kill her!
CARLOS RAMIREZ
Funny.
[South Park, Miss Information's shop, later. Stan, Sheila, and
Kyle are still there]
STAN
So NOW can we take Kyle to the hospital?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Yes, of course, but we don't have a
kidney donor!
STAN
That's alright. If you'll all help,
I think I have a plan.
[Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows, and Cartman's radio
sounds the alarm. Cartman rises on his bed and stretches]
CARTMAN
Oohh, morning, hum, hmyeah. HWAA! That
son of a bitch!
[Stan's house, moments later. Cartman approaches and pounds on
the door. Stan quickly opens it.]
CARTMAN
Okay, asshole! Give me back my kidney!
STAN
Dude, please. Kyle needs it.
CARTMAN
It's MINE! Not yours, MINE! Give it
back right now, or there's gonna be
HELL to pay!
STAN
Alright, alright, here.
CARTMAN
Thank you. And you'd better hope to
God it still works, just like it did
before.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, some hours later. Dr. Doctor is in his
office.]
NURSE
Doctor, Eric Cartman is here-
DR. DOCTOR
Why, hello there, Eric.
CARTMAN
You see that?! That's MINE! My asshole
friend Stan took my kidney, and I need
it put back in! Please.
DR. DOCTOR
Oh, I see. Are you sure that now that
it's already out, you don't wanna just
let your friend Kyle have it?
CARTMAN
No. Because. It doesn't belong to Kyle,
it belongs to me! It's MINE!
DR. DOCTOR
Well, alright then. We'll get you prepped
for surgery. If you'll just sign this
release.
CARTMAN
Thank you.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, still later. Cartman and Kyle are in the
recovery room surrounded by their parents. Stan and his parents
are there, too. Balloons, a smiley-face and two banners, "I HOPE
YOU GET BETTER!" and "GET WELL SOON", decorate Kyle's side of
the room]
KYLE'S MOTHER
How are you feeling, bubbe?
KYLE
Better, I think.
STAN
You look a lot better.
SHARON
Yeah, it looks like Western medicine
really did the trick.
KYLE
Hey, thanks for going through all that
to save my life, Stan.
STAN
Dude, you're my best friend. I don't
want you to die until I do.
CHIEF RUNNING PINTO
Yeah. Hey, man, we're glad you're getting
better, too.
CARTMAN
Heh. Hey, what what's going on?
STAN
Kyle's all better, Cartman, thanks to
you!
CARTMAN
Huh?
STAN
It was all a trick. Your mom undid the
kidney blocker, and then we put catchup
on your bed so you'd think we took your
kidney.
DR. DOCTOR
Yes, but it was all a trick to get you
to come in and sign this release.
LIANE
Isn't that funny, sweetie?
CARTMAN
Aarrrrrr! I am SO PISSED OFF!
MR. GARRISON
Oh, here's everybody.
STAN
Hey, Mr. Garrison. Where have you been?
MR. GARRISON
Boys, I have an announcement to make:
I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore.
I've become a best-selling author! And
Kyle, I want you to have a signed copy
as a get-well present.
KYLE
Oh. ...Thanks?
CARTMAN
I swear I'm gonna kill you guys!!
STAN
Careful, Cartman, you might pop your
stitches.
KYLE
Huh? What the?
CARTMAN
Oh good, you got the crappy kidney.
THE END
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