"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 217
"GNOMES"
Written by
Pam Brady, Trey Parker & Matt Stone
[South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and the children
are rowdy.]
MR. GARRISON
Settle down, children. I have some
difficult news. This is going to make
you all very sad. The school board
is considering firing me as your teacher.
There's a possibility that I will be
let go and never allowed to teach you
again. Yes, Stanley?
STAN
That's okay with us.
KYLE
Yeah.
KID
Yeah, we don't care.
CARTMAN
Yeah, that's fine.
MR. GARRISON
No it isn't it makes you very sad. Now,
apparently, the school board thinks
that I don't teach you anything about
current events, so tomorrow they're
going to have you do presentations for
the whole board.
CLASS
Aawwww!
MR. GARRISON
"Current Events in South Park." Now,
I want you all to read a newspaper,
or better yet, watch television, and
come up with something current in South
Park to do a report on.
CLASS
Aawwww!
MR. GARRISON
Now, this'll be a group project, so
I'm going to place you all into groups
of five. Let's see, uh. Wendy, Bebe,
Clyde, Pip, and Token , you'll be Group
1, and Group 2 will be Stan, Kyle, Eric,
Kenny, aaand, and Tweek.
TWEEK
AAAghah heheh.
STAN
Oh, not Tweek.
KYLE
We don't wanna be in a group with Tweek.
MR. GARRISON
There's nothing wrong with Tweek. I
bet he'll do a great job in your group.
TWEEK
I can't take that kind of pressure.
No, Sweet Jesus, ple-hehease!
STAN
Dude, we can't work with this kid.
TWEEK
Yuh-ugh!
MR. GARRISON
That's what Chad Everett thought when
the new female intern joined the cast
of Medical Center. He thought. "Who
is this woman with her gazungas and
high heels? What does she know about
medicine?" Well, that intern soon saved
Chad Everett's brother with a kidney
transplant. So, you see?
STAN
No.
MR. GARRISON
Well, let me put it another way. You
have to give your oral report to the
entire South Park Town Committee tomorrow!
And if it doesn't kick ass, and you
make me look bad, Mr. Hat is gonna smack
you bitches up!
TWEEK
Waah!
[SOUTH PARK, DOWNTOWN. OFF TO THE RIGHT OF TOM'S RHINOPLASTY IS A COFFEE STORE
Tweek Bros. A businessman walks in with
briefcase.]
MR. TWEEK
Hello there, customer.
CUSTOMER
Hello. How are you today?
MR. TWEEK
Great. What can I get for you? Large
coffee, small coffee?
CUSTOMER
I'm actually interested in something
else. I'm John Postem from the Harbucks
Coffee Corporation…
MR. TWEEK
Oh, you're that corporate guy who's
been calling.
POSTEM
That's right. How come yuu don't call
me back? All we wanna do is buy out
your coffee shop here.
MR. TWEEK
Oh, forget it, my my store is not for
sale.
POSTEM
My company's prepared to make you a
veerry generous offer. This is a Cramsonite
briefcase. All leather, it has four
compartments and a keyless lock. Interested?
MR. TWEEK
Uh, I don't think so. My coffee shop
is worth a lot to me.
POSTEM
Well all right. How about $500,000?
MR. TWEEK
The answer is still no, Mr. Postem.
You see, when my father opened this
store 30 yars ago, he cared about only
one thing: making a great cup of coffee.
Sure, we may take a little longer to
brew a cup, and we may not call it fancy
names, but I guess we just care a little
more. And that's why Tweek Coffee is
still home-brewed from the finest beans
we can muster. Yes, Tweek Coffee is
a simpler cup, for a simpler America.
POSTEM
Well, that's too bad. We're just gonna
have to open our Harbucks right next
door to you.
MR. TWEEK
But that could put me out of business.
POSTEM
Hey, this is a capitalist country, pal!
Get used to it!
BARBRADY
Hello, Mr. Tweek.
MR. TWEEK
Hi, Officer Barbrady.
BARBRADY
Who was that?
MR. TWEEK
Oh, just some dong. What can I get for
you.
BARBRADY
Ths usual. Ogh. Thanks. See you tomorrow.
MR. TWEEK
Bye-bye.
[South Park Elementary. The class is now in groups of five. Tweek
is still wired]
STAN
Okay, we have to do this stupid report,
sooo-
TWEEK
AAAaaagh. Ugh, ugh, huh, aarrrnnn.
Aaarrrhaharn.
STAN
Sooo, let's figure out what to do it
about.
CARTMAN
How about we do it on that Raymond guy
on TV, you know, Everybody Loves Raymond.
KYLE
No, Cartman, we can't do it on Raymond
again! It has to be on a current event
in South Park. Tweek, do you have any
ideas?
TWEEK
Uuurrnnn, too much pressure!
STAN
Great. A lot of help you are, kid.
TWEEK
The gnomes!
STAN
What?
TWEEK
We can do our report on the gnomes.
STAN
What gnomes?
TWEEK
The underpants gnomes. The little guys
that, that come into your room late,
late at night and steal your underpants.
CARTMAN
Oh, so that's where all my underpants
go.
KYLE
Dude, that's the dumbest thing I've
ever heard.
STAN
Yeah, I've neve seen any underpants
gnomes.
TWEEK
They come out at 3:30 in the morning.
Most people aren't up then, but I am.
I can't sleep. Ever.
KYLE
Dude, we can't do a presentation on
underpants gnomes. Mr. Garrison will
fail us because you're making it up.
TWEEK
No!! Sleep at my house tonight; I'll
prove it to you.
[The Tweek house that night. Mr. Tweek and his wife are in the
kitchen. They have three coffeemakers going on at once. Coffee
mugs are everywhere]
MR. TWEEK
They want me to sell the store, and
it's so much money.
MRS. TWEEK
Some things are more important than
money. The people of South Park count
on you to give them that first cup of
coffee every day.
MR. TWEEK
I know, but if they open a Harbucks
right next door, we might go out of
business. They really have my balls
in a vice grip.
MRS. TWEEK
Oh, hello, son. How was your day?
TWEEK
UUuuUunh!
MRS. TWEEK
That's good. Who are your little friends?
TWEEK
What do you mean?!
KYLE
We're his oral report buddies.
STAN
Yeah, we have to stay up all night to
write it.
MRS. TWEEK
Well, have some coffee boys. I'll brew
up another pot for later.
KYLE
Coffee? I don't think I like coffee.
MRS. TWEEK
Hoh, you'll like this coffee. It's fresh
MR. TWEEK
Country fresh, like the morning after
a rainstorm.
STAN
'K. Maybe it'll help us figure out what
to do our report on. We have to present
it to the entire South Park town committee
tomorrow.
MR. TWEEK
Oh. I've got one for you. How about
doing a report on how large corporations
take over little family-owned businesses.
MRS. TWEEK
Richard!
MR. TWEEK
No, I'm- serious, hon. These boys should
learn how the corporate machine is ruining
America. You see, I own a coffee shop
and now a great, big, multi-million
dollar company is going to move in and
try to take all my business, which means
I may have to shut down and sell my
son Tweek into slavery.
TWEEK
Mwaaah! Slavery?
MR. TWEEK
Yes, slavery.
STAN
Wow, that sucks, dude.
MR. TWEEK
They really have my balls in a salad
shooter.
KYLE
We're already doing a paper on Tweek's
underpants gnomes.
STAN
Yeah.
MRS. TWEEK
Now, Tweek, how many times do we have
to tell you? Your underpants are missing
because you lose them, not because of
underpants gnomes.
TWEEK
Uunnnnhh!
KYLE
Come on, you guys! We better get to
work!
MR. TWEEK
Wuh-okay, but corporate takeovers is
a much more fertile subject.
MRS. TWEEK
Honestly, Richard. I don't see why you
have to preach to some eight-year olds.
MR. TWEEK
Actually, honey, I think those little
tykes are just what we need. I've got
an idea.
[later that night, in Tweek's room. The boys sip their coffee.]
KYLE
Man, this stuff is strong.
STAN
Kind of bitter.
TWEEK
What if my parents go out of business?
Uhwhat'll I do?
KYLE
Don't worry about it.
TWEEK
But we'll starve and die like dogs.
CARTMAN
Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on welfare.
Look at Kenny's family: they're perfectly
happy being poor and on welfare. Right,
Kenny?
KENNY
(Fuck you!)
CARTMAN
Heheh, you suck, Kenny.
KYLE
Well, let's just try to finish all this
coffee, so we can stay up.
[STILL LATER
10:08 p.m..]
TWEEK
Aaaaaa!
Kyle Woohoo! [dives from the bed into a pile of toys, then runs
back to the bed]
KENNY
(Let me try! Let me try!)
STAN
Yeess, this stuff rocks!
KYLE
Honest, dudes! I feel awesome!
STAN
Whoopee!
KENNY
(Look at me! Look at me!)
CARTMAN
Eyah! Eyah! Seriously! I'm a sorcerer!
You guys! Zhyagah, zhyah, zhyagot that.
KYLE
Hey, Tweek, you got anymore of this
stuff?
TWEEK
I just have ground.
KYLE
Killer!!
CARTMAN
Ey, let me have some grounds.
KYLE
Gross, Cartman. Whoopee!
[10
15 p.m. gives way to 3:26 a.m., which
finds the boys sitting against the bed.
Tweek is on it, and Cartman is passed
out next to the toys, surrounded by
pools of vomit. Kenny looks sleepy]
KYLE
Hogh, my stomach hurts.
STAN
Yeah, mine too. I wonder why.
KYLE
Well, it's 3:30; I don't see any god-damned
underpants gnomes, Tweek!
TWEEK
Urgh. Uh maybe, maybe it was all in
my head. Maybe I'm going insane! Oh
no I'm going insane!
STAN
Well, this is just great! We haven't
gotten anything done, and we're totally
screwed!
MR. TWEEK
How's the report going, boys?
STAN
Bad!
MR. TWEEK
Oh, do you need some more coffee?
THE BOYS
Eugh.
CARTMAN
No... more... coffee. Blech.
MR. TWEEK
Well. Boys, ub. I don't mean to pry,
but, if you want it, I wrote your report
for you.
ALL
You did?!
MR. TWEEK
Yes, it's all about corporate takeovers.
Of course, you don't have to use it...
STAN
No, we'll use it.
MR. TWEEK
All right. And it can be our little
secret about who wrote it, right?
KYLE
Sure.
MR. TWEEK
Now, when you give the report, just
make sure that you read this part first,
okay?
[the gnomes open the door and enter]
"Search for underpants, hey
We won't stop until we have underpants
Yum tum yummy tum day!"
TWEEK
There they are!
[A gnome goes for Tweek's bottom drawer, opens it, and takes
out some underpants.]
"Time to go to work, work all night
Search for underpants, hey!
We won't stop until we have underpants
Yum tum yummy tum day!"
And when you come up to do it a second time, really, really clear
it up, I mean, um, really, really play the sympathy angle. They'll
like that. They'll be calling you, and you'll get a passing grade
for it.
TWEEK
You guys, look! Look! You're missing
it!
[THE GNOMES TAKE OFF WITH TWO PAIRS OF UNDERPANTS
]
"We won't stop until we have underpants
Yum tum yummy tum day! "
TWEEK
Aaaaa! They took them again!
KYLE
Thanks, dude.
MR. TWEEK
My pleasure. G'night, boys.
STAN
Wow, Tweek, your dad rocks!
TWEEK
Why do they torture me like this?! Why
can't they leave me alone?!
KYLE
Damnit! What the hell is wrong with
you, Tweek?!
TWEEK
They took my underpants again! Soon
they'll want my blood! Blood! Euuggh!
[South Park Elementary, the next day. The five-member South Park
committee listens as Tweek's group speaks]
KYLE
And as the voluminous corporate automaton
bulldozes its way through bantam America,
CARTMAN
What will become of the endeavoring
American family?
MR. GARRISON
I don't think they wrote this, Mr.
Hat.
STAN
Perhaps there is no stopping the corporate
machine.
TWEEK
Uurrgh!
KYLE
And that's our report, I guess.
MR. GARRISON
Well, boys, it's obvious you didn't
even-!
LADY MEMBER
Great job!
MR. GARRISON
Yes, great job.
LADY MEMBER
Boys, you have really opened our eyes.
We didn't even know this was happening.
CARTMAN
Neither did we.
LADY MEMBER
Well, Mr. Garrison, it looks like we
were wrong about you. You really are
teaching these kids something.
MR. GARRISON
Yeah, well, I don't want to sound like
a dickhole, but I told you so.
LADY MEMBER
Aw, I am really moved. I say we follow
these boys's cause. Let's join them
in the fight against corporate takeovers!
Lead the way, boys!
STAN
Huh??
TWEEK
Uunh, it's too much pressure!
[Harbucks is going up]
POSTEM
Good! Good! Now, make sure that sign
is really bright and flashy now.
MRS. TWEEK
My goodness. That's going to be a huge
coffee house, honey.
MR. TWEEK
Yes, it is. They really have my balls
in a juice maker. Oh, hello, son, uh.
How did your report go?
TWEEK
Waahh!
KYLE
I think it went really good. Those people
really got into it.
MR. TWEEK
Really?? Well, son, you might have just
saved the family business.What do you
have to say about that?
TWEEK
I need coffee.
MR. TWEEK
I know how you boys feel. Sometimes
a hot cup of French Roast Amaretto is
just what a man needs to get him through
the day. That smooth aroma and mild
taste is what make Tweek coffee...
uh very special. Special, like an Arizona
sunrise or a juniper wet with dew. A
light rain in the middle of a dusty
afternoon or a hug from your dear old
aunt- .
TWEEK
Dad!
MR. TWEEK
What?
TWEEK
The metaphors, man!
MR. TWEEK
Oh, sorry. Here you go.
KYLE
Hey. Do you ever think maybe you shouldn't
give your son coffee?
MRS. TWEEK
Liike, how do you mean?
KYLE
Like look at him. He's always shaking
and nervous.
TWEEK
Aaaaa!
MRS. TWEEK
Uhoh that. He has ADD, Attention Deficit
Disorder. That's why he's so jittery
all the time.
LADY MEMBER
Mr. Tweek, we've only just heard.
MR. TWEEK
Oh, hello committee members. What a
surprise.
LADY MEMBER
So, this is the corporate bulldozer
trying to push you off the map.
MR. TWEEK
Yes. How did you hear?
LADY MEMBER 2
These boys did an excellent report for
us this morning. They're so upset by
this whole thing
KYLE
My butt hurts.
LADY MEMBER
Don't worry, Mr. Tweek. This committee
is not going to let you be run out of
business by these bastards! Do you hear
that? You're not gonna get away with
this, you whore!"
POSTEM
Excuse me?!
LADY MEMBER 2
Boys, we've talked it over, and we want
you to take your case to the mayor!
STAN
Our case?
TWEEK
Uuuuh, no way, man! That is way too
much pressure!
MR. TWEEK
Oh, you'll do fine, son.
LADY MEMBER 2
Come on, boys! Let's go!
CARTMAN
Aw, man, this sucks!
TWEEK
Aaarrrnnn!
[City Hall. Mr. Garrison is present with the boys and the town
committee]
LADY MEMBER
...And we would have never even known
that this was happening if not for these
boys' excellent report.
MAYOR
You're telling me that students from
Mr. Garrison's class actually did something
that had some kind of relevance to the
world?
LADY MEMBER
That's right.
MAYOR
Mr. Garrison, the guy with the puppet?
LADY MEMBER
Yes!
MAYOR
Well, I must say, Garrison, perhaps
you're not as stupid and crazy as I
always tell people you are.
MR. GARRISON
Thank you, Mayor. I don't wanna sound
like a dickhole, but I-
LADY MEMBER
Mayor, these boys want that Harbuck's
coffee shut down right now!
MALE MEMBER
Yeah!
LADY MEMBER 2
Hyeah!
MAYOR
Well, I can't just shut them down, this
is a free country.
LADY MEMBER
But they're ruining our city!
MAYOR
Look, the best I can do is create a
proposition. We'll call it Prop. 10.
The town can vote on it, and if it passes,
we'll see what we can do.
BLOND MEMBER
Hooray!
THE OTHER MEMBERS
Hooray!
LADY MEMBER
What do you say, boys? We're gonna
pass a law!
STAN
Uh. Hooray.
MAYOR
So I guess you wanna do some campaigning.
You can do commercials and things like
that, and then we'll have a vote in
the middle of town. And obviously, if
more than 50% of the people even show
up,
["Time to go to work, work all night
Search for underpants, hey!
We won't stop until we have underpants
Yum tum yummy tum day!
Time to go to work, work all night" The gnomes go up to Johnson
and pull his underpants out]
TWEEK
Waah!
MAYOR
"Search for underpants, hey!
We won't stop until we have..." A gnome tosses the underpants
to two others, who carry it away over their heads. They all leave]
...and care enough to want Harbucks out, then, they're out. So,
good luck to you. [the town committee leaves]
TWEEK
Didn't you see them!!
MAYOR
All right, what's next.
AIDE 2
Next is issue 37D, missing underpants.
JOHNSON
Is it cold in here?
MR. GARRISON
Uh, boys, can I have a quick this and
that with you? Boys, I don't know who
wrote that report, but now that you've
convinced everybody, you'd better stick
with it. 'Cause if these people find
out you didn't really write that paper,
and I actually do get fired, then Mr.
Hat is gonna do horrible things to you.
Oh, not that, Mr. Hat! That's REALLY
horrible! Anyway, good luck passing
your new law, boys.
TWEEK
Jesus, man, Jesus! What are we gonna
do, huh?!
HOST
Live, it's the South Park Town Hall
Meeting on Public Access. Tonight's
topic: Prop. 10.
MEDIATOR
Should Harbucks be allowed to open a
store in South Park? That's tonight's
topic. On my left, five innocent, starry-eyed
boys from Middle America. On my right,
a big, fat, smelly corporate guy from
New York.
AUDIENCE
Boo!
POSTEM
Hey, I'm not fat or smelly!
MEDIATOR
All right, Mr. Douchebag-
POSTEM
Postem!
MEDIATOR
Oh. Pardon me, Mr. Assfaced. Anyway,
let's hear your side of the argument.
AUDIENCE
Boo!
POSTEM
My argument is simple. This country's
founded on free enterprise. Harbucks
is an organization that-.
AUDIENCE
Hhssssssss!
POSTEM
An organization that prides itself on
great coffee! We simply want tuh- Oh,
to hell with you!
MEDIATOR
Okay, Uckyoufay. Now for the other
side of the argument we turn to our
young, handsome lads. Boys, your thoughts.
Come on, boys, don't be shy. What's
your principal argument?
KYLE
Uh.
STAN
Uh.
CARTMAN
This guy sucks ass!
AUDIENCE
Yeah! Yeah! Woo!
MEDIATOR
Great argument! You win, boys!
POSTEM
What?!
MR. GARRISON
That was close, Mr. Hat.
[The boys' first commercial, beginning with an American flag
waving, filling the screen]
VOICE-OVER
What is the future of America? Is it
the money we make? The quests we conquer?
No, it's children. So what do children
have to say about Prop. 10?
KYLE
I don't like big corportations.
STAN
I like small businesses.
CARTMAN
I believe in the family-owned enterprise.
KENNY
(In my family, it's a silly enterprise.)
TWEEK
Aaaarh!
VOICEOVER
It's time to stop large corporations.
Prop. 10 is about children. Vote Yes
on Prop. 10, or else, you hate children.
You don't hate... children... Do you?
Remember, keep American business small,
or else.
[the kids' heads combust and only their skulls are left in flames,
with charred caps.]
Paid for by Citizens for a Fair and Equal way to get Harbucks
Coffee kicked out of town forever.
[the TV clicks off, and evryone is in the studio]
LADY MEMBER
Well, what do you think?
MR. TWEEK
Wow, it it's great!
LADY MEMBER
Yes it is. We'll put it on the air
immediately.
MR. TWEEK
What do you think, hon? Hon? What's
the matter?
MRS. TWEEK
I have a big problem with this!
MR. TWEEK
What do you mean?
MRS. TWEEK
We are just using those boys for our
benefit. They have no idea what they're
saying.
MR. TWEEK
But, kids are great to get people on
our side.
MRS. TWEEK
You don't just throw a child in a political
commercial to sell your beliefs. I won't
be a part of this anymore.
MR. TWEEK
Honey, all's fair in love and war.
And coffee. Hon? Hu- hon?
[Harbucks' grand opening. Protesters arrive]
LADY PROTESTER
Take your corporate coffee and go back
to New York City!
CROWD
YEAH!!
BLONDE PROTESTER
It's people like you who are ruining
Main Street, U.S.A.!!
CROWD
That's right! Yeah!
LADY PROTESTER
How many Native Americans did you slaughter
to make that coffee, huh?!
CROWD
YEAH!!
POSTEM
Damn, these people aren't buying any
coffee! I'll have to try and appeal
to the younger crowd!
[Later. The crowd now marches in front of Harbucks. To the right,
Harbucks' mascot, wearing a fez, holds a tray of coffee cups
topped with whipped cream before a boy]
POSTEM
Hey, kids. I'm Camel Joe and I love
a fresh cup of coffee. It's yum diddly-icious.
And it makes you feel super! I have
a surprise for you: the new kiddicino
from Harbucks. More sugar and all the
other goodies kids like with all the
caffeine of a normal double latte.
KID'S MOM
No Billy. No coffee for you. You should
be ashamed of yourself, using cartoons
to push caffeine on children!
POSTEM
Why don't you go back to the hole you
crawled out from, lady?!
MR. TWEEK
Uh, Mr. Postem, I'm afraid you've got
a lot to learn about making coffee.
POSTEM
Oh, and you don't? Your coffee tastes
like three-day-old moldy diarrhea!
MR. TWEEK
Uh I'm sorry to inform you that this
town is having a vote tomorrow, and
if the law passes, you're gonna be thrown
out of town.
POSTEM
What?!
MR. TWEEK
At five o'clock, the best coffee wins.
Either your coffee, or a fresh, warm
cup of... Tweek's coffee. Like an old
sweater that keeps getting warmer with
age, you can count on Tweek's coffee
to start your day.
MAYOR
Tomorrow, for the Prop. 10 vote, we'll
set up ballot booths ...here. All right,
men, we'll throw up the stage here.
Before the vote we'll get a band everyone
likes, like uuuuhh, like...
JOHNSON
Toto.
MAYOR
Like Toto. And then the Harbuck's guy
will have five minutes to speak and
the boys will have five minutes to speak,
and then the town votes.
MR. GARRISON
Uh, boys, you better get your asses
to work.
CARTMAN
What now?
MR. GARRISON
They're expecting you to give a big
speech on corporate takeovers, and this
time it has to last five minutes.
KYLE
Oh, God, when is this gonna end?
STAN
Your dad really screwed us, Tweek!
TWEEK
Jesus, dude! I'm to blame for all this!
I'm to blame for everything!
[Tweek's house that night, Tweek's room. Tweek is on the floor
and the others are on his bed]
KYLE
So what are we gonna say?
CARTMAN
Why can't we just read the paper we
wrote last time?
STAN
'Cause then they'll know we didn't write
it, dummy! We have to be original!
KYLE
Does anybody know anything about corporations?
[the gnomes return, and Tweek gasps. The door opens and the gnomes
enter, singing their theme]
"Time to go to work, work all night
Search for underpants, hey!"
TWEEK
Waah!
CARTMAN
I think my mom is a corporation.
STAN
Yeah, that makes sense.
TWEEK
You guys! Sshhhh!
KYLE
Well, how about we just say, "corporates
should be stopped"?
"work all night
Search for underpants, hey!"
STAN
How do we stretch that into five minutes?
TWEEK
They're taking my underpants!
"We won't stop until we have underpants
Yum tum yummy tum day!"
KYLE
Will you stop with the underpants gnomes,
Tweek?! We have to here!
TWEEK
Aaaaaa!
"work all night
Search for underpants, hey!"
[They open the bottom drawer and go for the underpants]
STAN
What the hell?
CARTMAN
Well, I'll be damned.
TWEEK
That's my last pair of underpants!
["Time to go to work, work all night
Search for underpants, hey!" The gnomes go for the door, and
the boys hop off the bed to follow. One gnome stops and faces
the boys]
KYLE
Sshh, don't scare him.
STAN
Hey there, little guy.
CARTMAN
Bad!
KYLE
Cartman!
CARTMAN
What?!
KYLE
Why do you always have to hit stuff
with a stick?!
CARTMAN
Well, look at him. He's all, you know,
uh luh look at him.
GNOME
Is that all you've got, pussy?!
CARTMAN
What?!
STAN
Hey, he talks!
CARTMAN
Yeah, he called me a pussy! I'm not
a pussy, you're a pussy!
GNOME
You're a pussy, pussy!
CARTMAN
Ey!
STAN
Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants?
KYLE
Yeah, look what you're doing to this
poor kid.
TWEEK
Waaaah.
GNOME
Stealing underpants biiig business.
STAN
Business? Wait, do you know anything
about business?
GNOME
Sure, that's what gnomes do.
KYLE
Show us.
GNOME
O-kay. Follow me.
CARTMAN
Little pussy gnome. Don't call me a
pussy, pussy gnome.
[The woods. The gnome leads them on to his cave]
GNOME
Not much longer now.
CARTMAN
Oh, are you gonna take us to your little
pussy house?
GNOME
No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village.
CARTMAN
Oh, your pussy village?
STAN
Cartman, will you just shut up and let
him show us?!
GNOME
Follow me.
CARTMAN
I hope we're not wasting our time with
this little pecker.
[Starbucks, early morn. Workers put on the finishing touches
to the coffee store]
POSTEM
William, it looks like Harbucks will
never make it in this town. All right,
boys, that's it. Pack it up, we're movin'
out of town.
WORKER 1
Aw, but we just finished.
POSTEM
I know, but these folks obviously don't
want us here.
WORKER 2
But what will become of us?
POSTEM
Oh, quit being so melodramatic, Sanchez.
Jesus Christ.
[underground. The boys are still following the gnome]
STAN
Damn, dude, this place is huge!
KYLE
Yeah. It's almost as big as Cartman's
ass.
CARTMAN
No it isn't, you guys!
GNOME
This is where all our work is done.
CARTMAN
So what are you gonna do with all these
underpants that you steal?
GNOME
Collecting underpants is just phase
1. Phase 1: collect underpants.
KYLE
Sooo, what's phase 2?
GNOME
Hey, what's phase 2?
GNOME 2
Phase 1: we collect underpants.
GNOME
Yeah yeah yeah, but. What about phase
2?
GNOME 2
Well, phase 3 is profit. Get it?
STAN
I don't get it.
GNOME 2
You see,
PHASE 1
collect underpants. Phase 2: ... Phase
3: Profit.
CARTMAN
Oh, I get it.
STAN
No you don't, fatass!
KYLE
Do you guys know anything about corporations?
GNOME
You bet we do!
GNOME 2
Us gnomes are geniuses at corporations.
GNOMES
Time to go to work, work all night
Se-
CENTER GNOME
Jesus Christ, look out!
STAN
Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
KYLE
You bastards. Listen, we have to give
a huge speech tomorrow about corporate
takeovers.
GNOME
Holy shit! We've killed your friend.
STAN
Yeahyeahyeah. Look. We've gotta know
about corporate takeovers tomorrow or
we're screwed.
GNOME 2
Christ, we squished him like a bug.
STAN
Do you know anything about corporate
takeovers?
GNOME
Well, we can explain that to you easily.
GNOME 2
Yes, for a price.
KYLE
What?
GNOME
You know.
STAN
Underpants?
GNOMES
Underpants!
[Harbucks, daytime. Prop. 10 supporters are out in force and
Toto is performing.]
LADY MEMBER
Toto, ladies and gentlemen!
PROP. 10 SUPPORTER
Yeah, Toto, woo, Toto! Woo!
LADY MEMBER
All right. And now, before we all vote
yes on Prop. 10, here to remind us why
are the lovable, innocent children.
STAN
Uh. Since we are so concerned with the
corporate takeovers, we went and asked
our friends, the underpants gnomes,
and they told us all about big corporations.
SUPPORTER
Underpants gnomes?
KYLE
Big corporations are good!
SUPPORTER
What?
SUPPORTER 2
What's this?
SUPPORTER 3
Good?
KYLE
Because without big corporations we
wouldn't have things like cars and computers
and canned soup.
STAN
Even Harbucks Coffee started off as
a small, little business. But because
it made such great coffee, and because
they ran their business so well, they
managed to grow and grow until it became
the corporate powerhouse it is today.
And that is why we should all let Harbucks
stay!
TOWNSMAN
: Ogh.
LADY MEMBER
That's not what you said last time!
KYLE
Uuuh. Well, the truth is, we didn't
write that paper last time.
MR. GARRISON
You little turds!! You've ruined my
life for the last time!!
MRS. TWEEK
These boys are absolutely right. We've
been using these poor kids to pull at
your heartstrings for our cause, and
it's wrong. We're as low and despicable
as Rob Reiner. You keep protesting and
complaining, but did any of you ever
even bother to taste Harbucks coffee?
Harbucks coffee got to where it is
by being the best. Don't you think you
should at least try it?
TOWNSMAN
Hey, this is pretty damn good.
TOWNSMAN 2
Yeah, it doesn't have that bland, raw,
sewage taste that Tweek's coffee has.
MR. TWEEK
Hey. Hey, that is good.
POSTEM
It's a French roast.
MR. TWEEK
It's subtle and mild. Mild, like that
first splash of sun on an April morning.
This coffee is coffee the way it should
be.
POSTEM
Hehey, no hard feelings, Tweek. You
know, we still need someone to run this
Harbucks coffeehouse. I'm sure it will
make a lo-o-ot of money.
MR. TWEEK
Thank you, Mr. Postem, but I think we'll
be happy with the money we make selling
our son into slavery.
TWEEK
AAaAaha!
MR. TWEEK
Just kidding, son.
CARTMAN
I love you guys.
THE END
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