"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 801
"GOOD TIMES WITH WEAPONS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Park County Fair, day. South Park is more spread out these days.
Looking like a small city now. People mill around. The boys walk
along a fairway. Cartman pulls out a small firecracker and tosses
it on the ground before Kyle and cackles softly]
KYLE
Stop it, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Pfaha, so funny.
KYLE
Goddamnit Cartman, stope throwin' those
stupid popping things at me!
ROGER
Come on and take a look, folks. We've
got a lot of knives for sale here.
STAN
Oh my God, look! Martial arts weapons
from the Far East.
KYLE
Wow, cool.
STAN
Dude! We should each buy a weapon, and
then we'll be like ninjas.
CARTMAN
Yeah. We won't have to take crap from
anybody.
KYLE
Our parents won't let us have weapons,
dude.
CARTMAN
Who's gonna tell them, dumbass?!
STAN
Yeah, dude, our parents are gonna be
at the stupid fair all day long. They'll
never know what we bought. I'll get
the tonfas. Those are so sweet.
CARTMAN
I'm gonna get those killer sai. Look
Kenny! There's something even you can
afford! A ninja shuriken for a dollar
ninety nine.
KENNY
(Shuriken. Awesome!)
ROGER
Can I help you boys?
STAN
Yeah. We wanna get one of each of these
ninja weapons.
ROGER
Okay, uh, you need to have your parents
here when you buy them, though. I, I
can't sell to anyone under eighteen
without parents' permission.
CARTMAN
Parents? Parents?? Oh God!
ROGER
Uh wha, what's the matter?
STAN
We, we're brothers, see, and our parents...
died in a car accident last year.
CARTMAN
Why?! Why?! Why did you have to take
them both?! Why! Why?!
KYLE
Why do people have to keep reminding
us of what we don't have??
ROGER
It's all right, it's all right boys.
Don't cry, I'll... I'll just... go pack
these up for you, okay?
STAN
Goddamn, that's like the twelfth time
that's worked.
[Cartman's house, moments later. The boys are in his basement
mastering their new weapons. Each boy gets the weapon he wanted.
Kyle gets the yellow-ended nunchakus]
STAN
Kiya! Kiya!
KYLE
Kaii yo!
CARTMAN
Giya! Shut up, hippies! I'll kill you!
Iya!
STAN
With my tonfa of Takanawa, I become
the great and powerful ninja Sharohachi,
born to fight evil and people I don't
like.
KYLE
Yeah. And my powerful nunchakus make
me into Bounaku , a deadly but compassionate
ninja who protects those in trouble.
STAN
What's your ninja name, Kenny?
KENNY
(unintelligible)
CARTMAN
Yes. And I... am Bulrog. Tough brute
ninja who has dedicated his life to
eradicating the world of hippies
STAN
All right, ninjas! Let's go protect
the world!
CARTMAN
Kick ass!
[Outside, the neighborhood. The boys walk out onto a new, more-detailed
landscape]
CARTMAN
Hey you guys, you know what we should
do? We should go show our weapons to
Craig and those guys. They'll be so
jealous.
KENNY
(Hey yeah, that'd be awesome!)
KYLE
No dude, we can't go around showing
our weapons to people. Our parents'll
find out we have them.
CARTMAN
Ech! You see, guys? This is why Jews
can't be ninjas! They've got no spine!
KYLE
You don't know anything about Jews,
fatass!
CARTMAN
Oh yeah?! My mom took me to see Mel
Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel
Gibson says you are a sloth and you
are a liar. And if the Road Warrior
says it, it must be true.
STAN
Don't worry, Kyle. Craig's not gonna
tell on us. Come, ninjas, let's go.
All right, this is it.
CARTMAN
Yes. The residence of the one called...
Craig.
KYLE
I still say this is a bad idea.
[Craig's house. Stan pounds on the door]
STAN
Ninja positions! Hello, Craig!
CARTMAN
Look what we got.
CRAIG
Where'd you get those?
STAN
We can't tell you where we got 'em!
It's secret ninja stuff.
CARTMAN
Oooh, is that jealousy I see in your
eyes, Craig? Mmm, yes, drown me in the
sweet water of your envy.
CRAIG
Uh, uh, they're not that cool.
STAN
Hyeah, "they're not that cool." These
are real authentic weapons from the
Far East.
KYLE
But don't tell anybody we have them.
CARTMAN
Ugh.
TOKEN
Whoa! Where'd you get those??
CLYDE
Let me see.
STAN
Uh, we'd love to hang out guys, but
we have important secret work to do.
CARTMAN
Yes. The life of a ninja is complex
and full of peril. Come on, ninjas!
ALL
Ho!
[On the road]
CARTMAN
Ho man, did you see the look on Craig's
face?! That was awesome!
STAN
Dude, we're like the coolest kids in
the whole state!
BUTTERS
Huhey fellas. What's happenin'?
CARTMAN
We're playing Ninjas, Butters.
BUTTERS
Wowee! Hey, can I play, uhninjas with
you?
CARTMAN
No, Butters. We are a very select elite
fighting team sent to protect the world
from evil, and you can't play with us.
STAN
Yeah, Butters. You wouldn't make a very
good ninja. Come on, guys. We have
a lot of work to do.
CARTMAN
Yes, and no time to do it. No time...
BUTTERS
I think I'd make a really good ninja.
Jeez, those guys never let me play
with them. Uh they just shun me all
the time.
[Butter's house. He walks past behind the couch, where his mom
reads a book unaware of the emotion in his voice]
BUTTERS
I'm a lost soul. A dark lonely shadow
of a person-
LINDA
Hi Butters.
BUTTERS
Hi Mom. -a castaway, forced to live
his life out in solitude. And it's
because of times like these I was forced
to a life of evil. Society cast me
out, and so I vowed to make them all
pay! And pay they did! Nobody knows
that beneath this sweet eight-year-old
little boy lies the most evil, the most
destructive supervillain of all time!
Professor Chaos! Let's see how you
like dealing with me, ninjas!
LINDA
Oooh, Butters, are you going out to
play again?
BUTTERS
Yeah Mom, I'm jus' goin' outside for
a little while.
LINDA
Well, could you be a sweetie and take
that pie over there to the Thomsons.
I made it to thank them for babysitting
you last week.
BUTTERS
Well, okay-okay Mom. Bah! Gah!
[On the road. The boys are shown in their anime forms]
STAN
Hm, this doesn't seem to be the right
way. My ninja sense is telling me we
might be heading in the wrong direction.
KYLE
Okay, hang on guys. I'll use my special
power to see into the future and find
out where we should head next.
CARTMAN
Hold on you guys. I actually have another
power. I can see into the future too,
but better than Kyle. Let me try it.
KYLE
Goddamnit, Cartman! You can't keep making
up new powers!
STAN
Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power
you've come up with!
CARTMAN
I am Bulrog and I have lots and lots
of powers.
KYLE
No asshole! From now on you only get
to have ONE power! So what is it?!
CARTMAN
I have the power to have all the powers
I want.
KYLE
That doesn't count, fatass!
STAN
Yeah, that it, Cartman! You don't get
to have any powers!
CARTMAN
C'mon!
BUTTERS
Haaa hahahaha! Well well well! If it
isn't the four ninjas!
KYLE
Who the hell is that??
STAN
I dunno. Craig, is that you?
BUTTERS
Fools! I am Professor Chaos! Bringer
of Destruction and Doom! Your feeble
ninja powers are no match for me!
KYLE
Whoa.
CARTMAN
Looks like we have a sworn enemy, you
guys.
KENNY
(Yeah.)
STAN
Very well, Professor Chaos! We'll play
along. Now, fell the fiery sting of
my tonfa Takanawa! Hey kid, that knocks
you down.
BUTTERS
Nuh uh!
STAN
Yeah huh, I got you!
BUTTERS
Nuh uh! Because my cloak is made of
a ...titanium alloy that shields me
from heat!
CARTMAN
That's bullcrap! Titanium alloy my ass!
KYLE
Well, let's see how he likes the icy
blasts from my nunchakus Sokuromoto!
BUTTERS
Huh nice attempt, ninja! But now both
of you shall feel the power of my Web
of Holding! Hahahahaha! You are both
trapped in spiderwebs!
CARTMAN
All right, dickhole! Time for you to
pay! Oh no! I have no powers! Kyle
took them away from me! Quick, Kyle,
give me back my powers so I can fight
this evil villain!
KYLE
Okay, okay, you can have your powers
back.
CARTMAN
All right! And now I will use my power
to... turn Kyle into a chicken! Bleh!
KYLE
Goddamnit Cartman!
CARTMAN
Hahahahahaaa ha! Now you are a chicken!
Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!
BUTTERS
Enough! Uh I grow weary of your foolishness.
Professor Chaos cannot be stopped!
STAN
Oh yeah?! Kenny! Use your ninja star!
KENNY
(Yeah! Take this, Professor Chaos!)
(Feel my wrath!)
CARTMAN
Oh, fuck dude!
STAN
It's Butters. Oh my God! Oh, dude!
It's stuck in his eye!
KYLE
What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!
KENNY
(I just threw it like Stan asked me.)
BUTTERS
It hurts! It hurts!
KYLE
Oh man! We are in serious trouble!
STAN
Ssh sshhhh. It's okay, Butters. Calm
down. It's not that bad, really.
BUTTERS
But I... But I... But I can't see nothin'.
I gotta go to the hospitalll!!
STAN
Okay okay, calm down, Butters! It'll
be okay!
CARTMAN
Guys, meeting over here for a second?
All right you guys, we need to stay
calm and just do the right thing. We
have to kill Butters and bury him in
Kyle's backyard.
STAN
Dude, shut up!
KYLE
I agree with Cartman!
STAN
What??
KYLE
You don't understand what my mom will
do to me if she finds out I was playing
with weapons!
[a closeup of the shuriken lodged in Butters' left eye, moments
later. Some pliers clamp on to it and the camera pulls back.
Stan is holding the pliers and he tugs gently at the shuriken.
Butters sits on a tree stump]
STAN
Just stay still, Butters.
BUTTERS
Hwa. Hwa! Hwaaaaa!
KYLE
Stop dude! You're gonna scramble his
brain!
CARTMAN
Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't
remember it was us.
BUTTERS
You guys can't fix my eyeball! You have
to take me to the hospital!
KYLE
If we take him to the hospital, they're
gonna find out what happened.
STAN
God-damnit!
KYLE
God? Please, if you get me out of this,
I swear, I will never play with weapons
ever again.
CARTMAN
Don't be so quick to throw off your
ninja responsibility, Kyle. Now, come
on guys, sure, it's easy to be a ninja
when everything's going your way, but
it's times like these, when the chips
are down, that a ninja shows his true
character.
BUTTERS
Whoa, I'm getting woozy.
CARTMAN
Shut up, Butters. Now, there's a way
out of this. We just have to use our...
ninja reasoning.
STAN
We... need a doctor... But we can't
go to the hospital. Wait a minute. Wait,
wait, wait what about the veterinarian?
CARTMAN
Dr. Shafley?
STAN
He's really old and and goin blind.
CARTMAN
So if we make Butters up to look like
a dog,...
KYLE
Ohh no.
STAN
We might pass him off as our pet.
BUTTERS
Ohoo but, but fellas, if I, if I dress
up like a dog with a star in my eye,
I I'm gonna get grounded.
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
Shut up, Butters!
KYLE
That is the dumbest idea you guys have
ever come up with! I'd expect this stupidity
out of Cartman, but you, Stan?? Butters
needs medical attention right now!!
STAN
All right, then you take him to the
hospital, Kyle. You take him to the
hospital and let your mom find out what
happened.
[Moments later. Butters is made up to look like a dog. He sobs
in resignation. Kyle holds a bottle of glue.]
CARTMAN
I need the modeling glue. We need more
fur over here.
BUTTERS
Uh that modeling glue is making me
dizzy.
CARTMAN
Butters! We're trying to help you, Goddamnit!
Now, stop being such an asshole!
KYLE
We need some more fur. I think that's
good.
CARTMAN
Okay, let's hear your bark, Butters.
BUTTERS
Oh. Wuff, wu-wuff.
STAN
All right. Now we just gotta sneak him
into town.
[South Park, in what looks like Skid Row. Stan appears and walks
into a clearing]
STAN
Okay, it's clear.
CARTMAN
Now remember, Butters, when you get
to the vet's office, you need to stay
down on all fours and- Butters, listen!!
At the vet's office, you need to stay
down on all fours and bark a lot.
BUTTERS
Wuhuff, woof, woof.
KYLE
We've gotta hurry, it's getting late!
STAN
Oh shit, somebody's coming!
KYLE
Quick, hide Butters!
CARTMAN
In here!
BUTTERS
Uh buh, but fellas, I gotta-
CRAIG
Aha! There you are! You guys thought
you were sooo cool, didn't you?! Well
look at what we got!
CARTMAN
No way, you got weapons too??
STAN
Where'd you get those?
JIMMY
From the n-n-, from the nn-, from the
nn-
CLYDE
From the nice guy at the county fair.
CRAIG
At first we needed our parents' permission,
but then we told him our parents were
dead.
CARTMAN
Aw man, now every douchebag in town
has a weapon! Lame!
CRAIG
So, how would you ninjas like to do
battle?
STAN
Uh not now, Craig, we we have to be
going.
CRAIG
You can't pass through this area until
you defend your honor!
KYLE
He said, not now, Craig!
CRAIG
I am not Craig, I am Ginza, with the
powerful blade of the kitana. Iya!
TOKEN
And I am Black Taku, with the power
of perfect spelling!
STAN
Guys, we're we're really not playing,
okay?
JIMMY
Wha, what, what's the m-matter, f-fellas?
Are you ... nnnninjas or p-p-p-pussies?
CARTMAN
We're twice the ninjas you fags are!
CLYDE
Then fight us!
CARTMAN
Very well, Clyde. Kiyaaaa!!!
KYLE
I swore to never fight again.
STAN
We don't have a choice, Kyle. Just humor
them.
SINGER
Subarashii chinchin mono
Kintama no kame aru
Sore no oto ha "saru bobo"
Iie! Ninja ga imasu
Hey hey let's go kenka suru
Taisetsu no mono protect my balls!
Boku ga warui so let's fighting...
Let's fighting love!
Let's fighting love!
Kono uta chotto baka
Wake ga wakaranai
Eigo ga mechakucha
Daijobu? We do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go kenka suru...
STAN
Hey wait wait WAIT wait! Wait. Hold
on a second. Where's Butters?
KYLE
Oh no. Butters!
CARTMAN
Butters!
STAN
Oh, nice going, you assholes! You made
us lose him!
CRAIG
Lose who?
KYLE
Butters! He got a ninja star stuck
in his eye, and we were taking him to
the vet when you fucked it all up! Butters!
CRAIG
Stuck in his eye? Was he bleeding?
CARTMAN
Ye-yeah, a little- Butters! Get back
here right now!
CRAIG
Oh shit, you guys are in trouble. We're
outta here!
STAN
No dude, you gotta help us find him!
CRAIG
The hell with that!
CARTMAN
We're in this together, Craig! If Butters
tells on us, we're gonna tell on you,
and that's the ninja code!
[The road, sunset. Butters walks along the side still sobbing,
looking for help]
BUTTERS
Hello? Anybody-eh. Woof. Woof. Woofwoof.
Eh. Woof, eh. Woof.
STAN
Butters!
KYLE
Butters!
CARTMAN
Here, Butters!
KENNY
(Butters!)
CRAIG
Butters!
CLYDE
Butters!
TOKEN
Butters!
JIMMY
Bu bu bubu bu bu bubu Butters!
CARTMAN
Butter-Butters!
KYLE
Hey Butters!
STAN
Butters!
KYLE
Dude, look!
CHEF
Hello there, children!
THE BOYS
Hey, Chef.
CHEF
How's it goin'?
STAN
Bad.
CHEF
Why bad?
KYLE
Uuuh, Chef, you haven't seen Butters
around, have you?
CHEF
No, can't say that I have. Hey, what
are you children doin' with those weapons?
STAN
Nnothing, just, playing.
CHEF
Well, you children should be careful
with those. You could put somebody's
eye out.
KYLE
Yeah, we know.
CHEF
Well, I've gotta get to the fairgrounds.
They're about to start the big auction.
So long, children!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Butters closes in on it, babbling
incoherently and stumbling along. He enters the emergency area,
moves in a few feet, and falls flat on his back]
NURSE
Oh my God! What the-? Doctor? Doctor??
DR. DOCTOR
Jesus Christ. What kind of sick bastard
would do this to a dog? Poor little
pup.
BUTTERS
Woofwoof.
NURSE
Can you help him, Doctor?
DR. DOCTOR
I'm afraid I wouldn't know how. Unfortunately
for this little fella, I'm a people
doctor. Best we call the animal shelter.
NURSE
Right away.
ANNOUNCER
In our last episode the four ninjas
did battle with Professor Chaos, bringer
of destruction and doom. It was during
that great battle that ninja master
Kenny threw his star into Professor
Chaos' eye. Now the ninjas were in serious
trouble, because their parents might
find out they had weapons if Professor
Chaos told on them. While trying to
get Professor Chaos some aid at the
veterinarian's office, the four ninjas
ran into Craig and his three friends.
They challenged the four ninjas to fight,
and the legendary battle of Tokutawa
began. It was during this battle that
Professor Chaos escaped , and so the
four ninjas were forced to join forces
with Craig and his friends to find Professor
Chaos, or else they would all be grounded.
STAN
Butters!
KYLE
Butters!
CARTMAN
Here, Butters!
KENNY
(Butters!)
CRAIG
Butters!
CLYDE
Butters!
TOKEN
Butters!
CRAIG
Butters! Where the hell are you?!
KYLE
It's hopeless, dude! Butters must have
made it to the hospital. By now our
parents probably know we were playing
with weapons! We have to get rid of
the evidence!
STAN
What?
KYLE
Dude, we have to get rid of our weapons
so at least we can try to deny everything.
CARTMAN
Screw that, dude, I paid twenty bucks
for these things!
STAN
Yeah, let's just go return them and
get our money back.
KYLE
We don't have time for that, dude! We
just have to ditch them! Now!
CARTMAN
Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw your nunchakus
away. If you can. But you know well
that your Jewish blood won't let you.
You can't throw away something you paid
fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try.
KYLE
Screw you, fatass!
CARTMAN
Mel Gibson was right, Kyle. Right now
the Jew in you is screamig "NO! Those
cost money! Get your money back!" You
know this to be true. Go ahead. Prove
Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle. Do it!
KYLE
I, I can't do it. ... I can't do it.
I...
STAN
It's all right, Kyle. We'll go back
to the fair and return them.
[South Park Animal Shelter, day. Dogs and cats are heard. Inside,
an elderly veterinarian pulls something along on a leash]
VET
Come on. Come on, little fella. Atta
boy.
BUTTERS
Woof woof.
VET
Right over here. Good dog. Come on.
There you go, right in there. Goooood
dog.
BUTTERS
Gaaaah!
ASSISTANT
Somebody threw a ninja star in that
poor puppy's eye?
VET
It just makes me sick how some people
can treat animals. Well, nothing we
can do for it; let's put it to sleep,
shall we? Here you go, pup. I've got
a sweet dose of murder for you. What
the? Blasted! He's escaped! ... Oh well,
let's murder one of these other dogs.
[The county fair, anime form, sunset]
STAN
All right, the county fair's still open!
ROGER
Can I help you boys?
STAN
We have come to return the weapons we
purchased.
ROGER
Uh, sorry kids, ah I don't give refunds.
KYLE
Listen, doucher! Our parents are gonna
kill us, and you, if they found out
that we bought these!
ROGER
I thought you told me your parents were
dead.
CRAIG
You guys! You guys!
STAN
What is it, Craig?
CRAIG
It's Butters! We saw 'im!
KYLE
Where?!
CRAIG
Right on the other side of the fairgrounds.
He's just wandering around aimlessly.
KYLE
Then it's NOT too late!
STAN
Come on, Ninjas!
MR. GARRISON
All right, folks, our next item up
for bids is this lovely 19th Century
lamp/
STAN
Aw dude, crap. All our parents are there.
CRAIG
Butters is right on the other side.
KYLE
We have to get past them!
CARTMAN
All right. Looks like I have to use
my power of invisibility to get by.
KYLE
You have that power too?
CARTMAN
I told you, Bulrog has lots and lots
of powers. Behold. This way, I can
move about the crowd of people undetected.
Here, hold this stuff for me.
STAN
Good luck, Bulrog.
A BARKER
Now, this lamp comes from the estate
of Edna and James Hollinger, who lived
in upstate Wyoming. It has a bronze
finish and actual gold leaf along the
base. Uh this is a rare opportunity
to own a classic antique. The lamp
has been appraised by our auction staff
at well over two thousand dollars.
So we're gonna start the bidding at
three hundre seventy five. Do I, do
I hear three hundred and seventy five?
Kid, what the hell do you think you're
doin'?
BUTTERS
Haba, hava! Havahoaha!
LINDA
Butters!
RANDY
What happened to him?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh my God!
STAN
Ohhh Jesus.
KYLE
Oh dude, we are gonna get it now.
[Park County Community Center, Emergency Town Meeting, day. The
chatter among the adults present is heated]
MAYOR MCDANIELS
All right, people, we are all extremely
upset over what's happened. But let's
try to speak one at a time.
MAN 1
Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked
and appalled at what happened! I don't
know if the parents are to blame or
if it's the times we're living in, but
something has to change!
TOWNSFOLK
Yeah! I agree!
KYLE'S FATHER
This is the worst thing that's happened
in this town! The worst thing!
MAN 2
Yeah! I mean, there were children watching
that auction! And when that little eight-year-old
boy walked up and flashed his... penis...
it was an outrage!
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
What?
SKEETER
Not only that, the auction was televised
on public access, so my little daughter
watchin' at home saw the -penis! How
am I suppsoed to explain that to her?!
KYLE'S MOTHER
This is what happens when the moral
fabric of society breaks down!
MR. GARRISON
You see the damage you've caused, Eric
Cartman?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
CARTMAN
I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction!
KYLE
Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters'
eye out with weapons?
STAN
Just run with it, dude.
KYLE
Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh my fragile little
eight-year-old mind didn't know how
to deal with what I was seeing. C-Cartman
should be punished!
MAN
Yeah!
CARTMAN
Hey, fuck you, Kyle!
[Park County Community Center, outside. The doors open and Stan,
Kyle, and Kenny exit onto the parking lot]
KYLE
Heck, I c- I can't believe it.
STAN
Hyeah. I guess parents don't give a
crap about violence if there's sex things
to worry about.
KYLE
So I guess this means we get to keep
our weapons.
STAN
Yeah. Come on, ninjas. We've got some
more work to do.
THE BOYS
Hya!
THE END
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