"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 710
"GREY DAWN"
Written by
Trey Parker
SOUTH PARK FARMER'S MARKET
[Day. A crowd is gathered under this banner and listens to Father
Maxi as he delivers a service.]
FATHER MAXI
Friends, we gather in this place to
mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy:
nine good people who were run over in
the street by an elderly woman driver.
CARTMAN
Oh God, memorial services are sooo
boring.
KYLE
You insensitive asshole, Cartman! Nine
people died!
CARTMAN
Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies.
Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets.
Mostly
FATHER MAXI
It is sometimes hard, in times like
these, to understand God's way. Why
would he allow nine innocent people
to be run down in the prime of their
lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps,
shouldn't be driving? It is then that
we must understand, God's sense of humor
is very different from our own. He does
not laugh at the simple "man walks into
a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony
and subtle farcical twists that seem
macabre to you and me. All that we can
hope for is that God got his good laugh
and a tragedy such as this will never
happen again.
MR. GARRISON
Look out!!
ELDERLY DRIVER
Huh? Was that a stop sign back there?
Ooooh, I think I hit a pot hole.
[Stan's house, night. The family is eating dinner - tacos, nachos,
rice, milk]
STAN
Hey Dad, how come they let old people
drive?
RANDY
Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue.
STAN
But they kill people.
RANDY
Sometimes, yes, but senior citizens
have to be dealt with very gingerly,
Stan. We can't just take their licenses
away.
MARVIN
I'll be God-damned if they think they
can take my license away!
SHARON
Oooh, hi Dad.
MARVIN
I heard what you said! You wanna take
drivin' privileges away from seniors!
Well let me tell you something, peckerface!
I worked fifty five years in the steel
mill!
RANDY
Yes Dad.
MARVIN
And I flew Spitfires over Germany in
World War II!
RANDY
Yes I know.
MARVIN
And I will be God-damned if the government
thinks it can step in and take away
my right to drive!
STAN
I think old people should have rights,
Grandpa. I just don't wanna die.
[Stark's Pond, night. A lone man is fishing in the middle of
the pond. He senses something ominous and looks around. On the
road nearby, a brown Buick drives by slowly. A short old woman
is at the wheel]
ELDERLY MAN
Damnit Mona, this isn't the fastest
way to Country Kitchen Buffet!
MONA
No, but it's the shortest. I save the
most gas that way.
ELDERLY MAN
You save the most gas if you take the
highway to Country Kitchen Buffet!
MONA
Less miles means less gas, you old fool.
ELDERLY MAN
There's Country Kitchen right there!
MONA
Where?
ELDERLY MAN
Right there! You're gonna miss it!
MONA
Is this the parking lot?
ELDERLY MAN
I think so.
[News 4. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors,
and a globe spins in front of the montage]
ANCHOR
Another death tonight by a senior citizen
motorist. Carl Zorn of Pine Junction
was killed instantly when struck by
a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Malman,
who were trying to find Country Kitchen
Buffet. This latest tragedy comes only
two days after the accident in Deer
Creek, where three construction workers
and a bulldozer were run down by senior
citizen Paul Thom , who was trying to
find Country Kitchen Buffet. Public
outcry is forcing the DMV to consider
suspending the licenses of all seniors
over seventy, though no decision has
yet to be made.
[Park County Community Center, day. The seniors have gathered
there for a meeting]
MARVIN
Seniors of South Park, I don't know
about you, but I am mad as hell!
SENIORS
Yeah!
ELDERLY WOMAN 1
I'm sick of having my mental condition
come into question!
ELDERLY MAN 1
We need to let everyone know we're
pissed off, and we're not gonna take
it anymore!
SENIORS
Yeah! Yeah! That's right, Pete!
MARVIN
That's right! Now, ...can anybody remember
what we're pissed off about? Now, remember
we're all pissed about something and
uh... that's why we had this meeting,
but I... can't for the life of me re-
ELDERLY WOMAN 2
Oooo. Was it the kids skateboarding
on the sidewalks? No?
ELDERLY MAN 2
Oh, I remember! They're gonna take
our licenses away!
SENIORS
Yeah! Yeah! That's right!
MARVIN
That's right! They're gonna try and
take our licenses away! And I, for one,
am mad as hell!
SENIORS
Me too! Yeah, that's right! And mine
too!
ELDERLY WOMAN 1
I'm sick of having my mental condition
come into question!
MARVIN
So now, what are we gonna do about it?
ELDERLY MAN 3
Do about what?
ELDERLY WOMAN 3
They're gonna take our licenses away.
ELDERLY WOMAN 1
They are?? They can't do that!
MARVIN
That's right. So you know what I think
we should do? I think we should have
a senior citizens' meeting! Get all
the senior together a the community
center and unite!
ELDERLY MAN 3
Great idea, Marvin!
ELDERLY WOMAN 4
Wait, ah I think we're having that meeting
right now.
MARVIN
...Oh, right, this is the meeting.
ELDERLY MAN 4
Right. To get those damn kids to stop
skateboarding on the sidewalks!
SENIORS
Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Someone's
gotta stop them!
[The Marsh house, day. Sharon and Shelley are making construction
paper cutouts in the kitchen. Shelley has finished some eyes]
RANDY
Sharon, have you seen Dad?
SHARON
He's not here, hun. He's having a meeting
with all the seniors in town at the
community center.
RANDY
Oh. Wait a minute. If all the seniors
in town are at a meeting, that means
that when the meeting gets out...
SHARON
Every senior in town will be driving
home...
RANDY
At the same time. Oh My God!
[Downtown South Park. People are milling around. Randy runs into
the scene]
RANDY
Get inside! Get inside! Seniors' meeting
getting out! Get off the streets!
SOMEONE
Oh my Goddd!
[Park County Community Center, day. The seniors exit the center
and head for their cars]
MARVIN
All right, great meeting everyone.
Let's do it again sometime.
ELDERLY WOMAN 1
So long, everybody.
ELDERLY MAN 5
Goodbye, Missy.
[Downtown South Park, at the farmer's market. Randy runs in]
RANDY
Get off the streets! Get off the streets!
Old people are driving! Gerald! Where
are the boys?!
KYLE'S FATHER
We've gotta get out of here!
RANDY
The boys, Gerald! Where are they?!
KYLE'S FATHER
They, they're... they're playing street
hockey!
RANDY
Oh My God!!
[The neighborhood. Stan and the boys are playing street hockey.
Cartman is the goalie, a trashcan his goal]
CARTMAN
With just ten seconds to go, the offense
makes its move. Marsh heads for the
goal and paases the ball to the poor
kid. The poor kid hands it out to the
Jew! The Jew shoots. Awww, and the shot
is blocked again , proving once and
for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
KYLE
It isn't fair. Cartman's fatter than
the goal.
CARTMAN
I'm not fat. I just have a sweet hockey
body.
RANDY
GET OFF THE STREETS! GET OFF THE STREETS!
KYLE
Dude, look!
RANDY
GET OFF... THE STREETS! GET OFF THE
STREETS!
STAN
What is that?
KYLE
I don't know.
RANDY
GET OFF... GET STRAIGHT OFF THE STREET!
KYLE
Dude, is that your dad?
STAN
I think so.
CARTMAN
Looks like Stan's dad's been hittin'
the bottle again.
RANDY
-STREETS!! OFF-
STAN
What is he saying?
KYLE
I can't understand him.
RANDY
GAAAAAH!!
CARTMAN
Calm down! We cannot understand you!
KENNY
(Ohhhhh, look!) (You guys!)
STAN
Oh Jesus!
CARTMAN
Old people!
RANDY
Come on!
CARTMAN
Oh God, they're coming!
[The Lodge. The group enters, Randy shuts and blocks the doors]
RANDY
Get over there! Stay low!
KYLE
Why are they all out driving at the
same time?
RANDY
Shhhh! It's okay, boys. They're gone.
Let's just lay low for a minute until
we can find- AWWWW!!
ELDERLY DRIVER
I don't remember there being a building
here.
RANDY
RUN!
ELDERLY PASSENGER
I told you to turn left, Larry.
RANDY
Get up the stairs! Up the stairs! Come
on! Come on!!
KYLE
Aah! There's another one!
RANDY AND THE BOYS
AAAHH!!
ELDERLY DRIVER
Excuse me, is this Costello Avenue?
RANDY
In here!
CARTMAN
They're not gonna stop until we're all
dead!
RANDY
Quiet! Keep quiet!
STAN
Dad, I'm scared.
RANDY
Just, keep your voices down. We'll stay
the night in here. We'll stay the whole
winter if we have to.
STAN
I'm not staying the winter in this room!
We just need to tell old people they
can't drive anymore!
RANDY
Awgh. Stan, it's not that simple! Just
relax while I find the lights. Here
we go.
ELDERLY DRIVER
How the hell did we get up here?
RANDY AND THE BOYS
AAAAAAAHH!!
ELDERLY PASSENGER
I told you this was the wrong way!
[News 4. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors,
and a globe spins in front of the montage]
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department
of Motor Vehicles, where senior citizens
have until three p.m. to hand over their
driver's licenses. The new law was passed
just three days after the Night of Horror,
in which all seniors were out driving
at the same time, causing fourteen deaths
and three million dollars in damage.
[DMV, inside. A poster on the wall says "Drive 65 MPH. Stay alive."
Two men and a woman sit at a table taking the licenses seniors
standing in line give them.]
DMV OFFICIAL
Alrighty. There we go. Next?
ELDERLY MAN 2
It ain't right what you're doin'! I
never had an accident in my life!
ELDERLY WOMAN 6
That's right. You shouldn't punish all
of us.
DMV OFFICIAL
We're sorry, but this is the only way
to be sure. Next please. There we go.
ELDERLY MAN 6
But how am I supposed to get to the
grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy
medicine?
DMV OFFICIAL
Well, maybe you should be in a nursing
home. Hmmm?
ELDERLY MAN 7
Some of us would rather die!
DMV OFFICIAL
Well, we can certainly help you with
that, too.
ELDERLY WOMAN 7
We aren't second-class citizens!
ELDERLY MAN 8
That's right! You can take our licenses,
but you'll never take our pride!
AN ELDERLY MAN
Yeah...
[Stan's house, day. The boys leave the house]
CARTMAN
Ooooh, isn't this great you guys? Being
able to walk the streets now that old
people are confined to their homes where
they belong?
MARVIN
Billy, get in the car! I need you boys
to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.
STAN
Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should
be driving.
MARVIN
God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to
listen to your dad, right?! Well I'm
your dad's dad, and that means you get
in this car before I tan all your hides!
KYLE
Well, look at it this way: statistically
speaking, we're safer inside a car with
an old person driving than outside.
CARTMAN
My God, he's right. Hail Mary, full
of grace, the Lord is with thee, even
though I walk through the valley of
death. Guys, I don't know if I ever
told you this, but, well, I love you
guys. Except for you, Kyle.
MARVIN
Okay, all set?
KENNY
(Oooooo my God!)
STAN
Ah, I think there's a police car behind
you, Grandpa.
MARVIN
Eh? Go around. Go around, you moron!
BARBRADY
Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!
CARTMAN
I believe that's us... thank God.
BARBRADY
Could I see your license, please?
MARVIN
I ain't got one! You peckers took it!
BARBRADY
Well then, I have to take you to jail.
MARVIN
You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head!
You just try!
[The police jail. Marvin sits behind bars with a cane.]
MARVIN
Stupid son of a- God damnit!
BARBRADY
I just got him right here, Mr. Marsh.
RANDY
Oh brother. Well, good job, dad! Look
at you now!
MARVIN
Oh God damnit, don't you lecture me
you son of a bitch!
RANDY
You just had to be so damn stubborn,
didn't you?!
MARVIN
Now my son is gonna talk to me like
I'm twelve.
RANDY
We're not treating you like children,
Dad. All right? Now I think you owe
Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs
to apologize, hm? Who's the sorry-sorry?
MARVIN
Kiss my sagging ass!
RANDY
Well fine. I was gonna bail you out,
but maybe you can just sit here for
a bit and think about what you did!
MARVIN
Well I won't be sitting here long! I've
already called the AARP!
STAN
What's that?
MARVIN
The American Association of Retired
Persons! The largest political group
in the country! When seniors like me
are bein' descriminated against, the
AARP comes and sets it right! And you're
gonna be sorry when they get here!
[Mr. Garrison's classroom, day. He's giving his class a history
lesson]
MR. GARRISON
And so you see, children, Genghis Khan
was a "Mongol," not to be confused with
a "mongoloid" like the actor, Nicholas
Cage. Okay now, who can tell me in what
...year ...the ...first ...film by
a... mongoloid... That's odd. Those
ROTC guys are way off course.
CARTMAN
More old people!
STAN
The American Association of Retired
Persons.
MR. GARRISON
Stay in your seats, children. I'll be
right back.
AARP LEADER
Set up a perimeter! Bring Bravo Team
to Point Delta!
AARP MEMBER 1
Bravo Team is go.
AARP MEMBER 2
Move! Move! Move!
AARP MEMBER 3
Let's go! Let's go!
MR. GARRISON
Uh, can I help you folks find something?
Oowww!
CARTMAN
Old people gone mad!
[U.S. Geological Service. Randy sits at his desk making notes
when he hears the soft rustling of tarp on snow. He spins around
in his chair to see more AARP paratroopers. He rises in disbelief.
A gas canister flies through the window and unleashes its fumes.
Randy starts coughing. The door flies open and some AARP paratroopers
walk in wearing gas masks.]
AARP MEMBER
Contact. Put your hands up, young
man!
[South Park Jail. Marvin is looking out his small cell window
when the AARP enters the jail and approach the cell]
AARP LEADER
Marvin Marsh?
MARVIN
Yes?
AARP LEADER
I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP.
Hu-we've come to help the seniors in
this town fight back.
MARVIN
Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill.
STEWART
Huh?? We came as fast as we could. We
just had to stop by Country Kitchen
Buffet first.
[Shady Acres, a Retirement Community. The AARP has arrived there]
AARP LEADER
It's the nursing home! Liberate our
comrades!
[Shady Acres, inside]
MALE NURSE
There now, Mr. Johnson. We can go to
the cafeteroa amd get you some creamed
corn and toast. Can I help you?
AARP LEADER
Help this! The revolution is on, brother!
We're taking control of the town!
MR. JOHNSON
Well, alright, well it's about damn
time! Hey everyone, we're taking the
town.
[The televison room. More seniors there are watching TV]
AARP MEMBER
Seniors, we're taking the town over.
AARP LEADER
The revolution is on!
ELDERLY WOMAN
The revolution?
ELDERLY MAN
Oh, I'd better get my other sweater.
[A convalescent room]
A NURSE
Mrs. Wyland, seniors are taking over
the town. Would you like a gun?
MRS. WYLAND
Oh, I suppose so.
[Downtown South Park, day. One of the members brings Randy forward]
RANDY
What the hell is going on?!
AARP MEMBER
Shut your piehole and get over there!
KYLE'S FATHER
Randy, what is this?
STEWART
Hey! You are now under the authority
of the AARP!
MARVIN
Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look
at you now!
RANDY
Dad, what are you doing??
MARVIN
The AARP is gonna help us take this
town until we get our licenses back!
ELDERLY WOMAN
Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more
money in Medi-Care, too!
AARP LEADER
That's right.
ELDERLY MAN
Yeah.
MAN IN VEST
Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're
not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked
out senior citizens.
STEWART
Heh?? We'll tell them if they don't
give us our demands, we'll start killin'
hostages!
MAN IN VEST
Huh, right. They're gonna really believe
that.
MARVIN
Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?
STEWART
Heh?? No, we gotta be tough! Just
like with those damned Japs!
RANDY
This is insane, Dad! You all need to
stop right now before morp people get
hurt>
MARVIN
The time when you can tell me what to
do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge
now!
[South Park, day. The town is now an encampment, protected by
barbed wire, sandbags, and metal shields. A woman with an IV
unit stands behind some sandbags]
MARVIN
All right, we've got control of the
Mayor's office and the fire station.
AARP MEMBER
Reinforcements have arrived from the
nursing home in Conifer.
STEWART
Good! Hell, us senior citizens could
take over the entire country!
AARP LOOKOUT
We've got company!
TANK DRIVER
Attention seniors: lay down your weapons
and turns yourselves over!
STEWART
Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business.
MRS. APPLEGATE
All right.
TANK DRIVER
What do you want?
STEWART
Heh??
MARVIN
We want our licenses back!
OTHER SENIORS
Yeah!
ELDERLY WOMAN
That's right. And we want more money
in Medi-Care!
OTHER SENIORS
Yeah!
ELDERLY MAN
And we want those damned kids to stop
skateboardin' on the sidewalk!
OTHER SENIORS
Yeah!
[Nighttime, the drive-in. All adults who are not senior citizens
have been gathered into an enclosure around the massive screen.
Two seniors stand guard at the gates, other seniors keep the
adults in line. The adults are cold. Some cough, some try to
keep warm by burning tires inside empty gas drums. Randy is one
of those warming his hands over a fire. He moans. The boys arrive,
having not been arrested]
STAN
Hey Dad.
RANDY
Stan! Boys! You're safe!
STAN
Dad, why is everyone letting old people
do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?
RANDY
They've tried to stop them, son, but...
the seniors get up so early in the morning
they... get everything done before everyone
else is even awake!
KYLE
They're saying something about taking
over the entire country.
RANDY
Yes. And now seeing how early they
get up, I don't see how anyone can stop
them. Wait a minute. You boys! You get
up almost as early as they do! You can
fight them!
STAN
No. Come on, Dad. Can't you guys do
it?
RANDY
No, son. We... like to sleep in.
AN ELDERLAY WOMAN
Two hostages come front and center!
RANDY
They're coming!! Get out of here before
they see you! Run to the hills and find
a way to fight them! Go!! Boys, avenger
me! AVENGER ME!!
[The woods. The boys have set up a little camp there for the
night.]
STAN
All right, check it out. Kenny did reconnaissance
on the town. The old people have blockades
here and here . The old ladies are
keeping watch in towers around the perimeter,
and the leaders along with my grandpa
are most likely in the Mayor's office.
CARTMAN
So our only solution is to cut off their
life force.
KYLE
We can't fight them, Cartman.
CARTMAN
No. But we can sneak into town and shut
down their food supply. Here.
KYLE
Country Kitchen Buffet?
CARTMAN
Yeah. You take out Country Kitchen Buffet,
and old people won't know what to do.
KYLE
That's a retarded idea, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Is it? Two years ago they closed the
Country Kitchen Buffet in Steamboat
Springs. And all the old people died
of starvation in less than a week.
STAN
Yeah, I remember hearing about that.
KYLE
Ech, even if it could work, how would
we go about shutting it down?
CARTMAN
I think I have a plan, though we'll
have to do it tonight. We'll start
by sneaking into town, cleverly disguised
as black people. At 5:45 Kenny and
Kyle split off and set a diversion on
the east end of town. Meanwhile, Stan
and I sneak into the Mayor's office
and steal some of the explosives the
old people have stashed. Nine o'clock:
we rendezvous at the Country Kitchen
Buffet, where we strap the explosives
and the timer to Kyle's chest. We say
our triple goodbye to Kyle, and them
we send him inside.
CARTMAN
Yeah!
STAN
All right!
KENNY
(Woohoo!)
CARTMAN
Aw yeah!
STAN
We did it!
STAN
...Yeah, or we just go to Country Kitchen
Buffet and lock it from the inside so
the seniors can't get in.
CARTMAN
Well, right, or we could always do that.
[South Park, day. The old people have the run of the town, and
they're bringing in heavier artillery]
STEWART
All right everyone, round up your ammunition
and get ready to move! We're takin'
this war further out!
AARP MEMBERS
All right!
MARVIN
Uh, I appreciate what the AARP is tryin'
to do for us, but uh, all we want is
our licenses back.
STEWART
Huh?? Heck no! This is goin' too well.We're
gonna take the whole country back. Wipe
out everyone below the age of sixty
five!
MARVIN
Wipe 'em out?? What are you? Senile?
STEWART
Come on, everyone! It's time to plan
for Phase 2! What the heck? Huh? What
is this?! It's 6 a.m. C-Country Kitchen
should be open!
ELDERLY MAN 9
It's not open? It has to be!
ELDERLY MAN 10
Try a window.
ELDERLY MAN 11
They're blocked from the inside.
STEWART
No... Let us in! Let us in!
ELDERLY MAN 9
Open the door! It's six a.m.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Open the Country Kitchen Buffet for
us!
ELDERLY MAN
You have to let us in!
ARMY OFFICIAL
All right everyone, area secure. Collect
their weapons and free the hostages.
That was a great strategy, boys. You
may very well have saved this entire
country.
RANDY
Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it
over?
ARMY OFFICIAL
Everything is fine. Control of the town
is back to you folks.
STEWART
Country Kitchen... wha-what happened?
SOLDIER
Sir, what should we do with this one?
ARMY OFFICIAL
It's up to the townspeople.
RANDY
Well, I think he learned his lesson.
Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Dad?
I think somebody owes us all an apology.
Yes he does.
STAN
Oh, stop it, Dad! This is partly your
fault!
RANDY
Huh?
STAN
Look, all Grandpa wants is not to be
talked to like a child. I think half
of what he was angry about wasn't what
you were doing, but how you were doing
it.
MARVIN
That's right.
STAN
And Grandpa, you should be proud that
you made it through life to be a senior,
but you should also realize that, when
you're behind the wheel, you're a killing
machine.
MARVIN
I know. I guess sometimes us seniors
need to know when to stop driving so
we don't put the responsibility on our
families.
RANDY
Well, I think this has been a real learning
experience for the Marsh family. People
died, but we all grew a bit. Let's just
go home.
MARVIN
Sure. I'll drive.
RANDY
That's our Grandpa.
STAN
Dude, I hate my family.
THE END
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