"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 312
"HOOKED ON MONKEY FONICS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The Cartman house, night. Sharon brings a box into the dining
room.]
LIANE
Eric, Mommy got you a present!
CARTMAN
A present?? Is it a rocket racer??
No, let me guess: It's a Froagman Jay
doll! No wait, I know! It's a police
power chopper!
LIANE
Nnno, I got you something that's going
to help you win the big spelling bee
tomorrow.
CARTMAN
Mom, I'm not going to win the spelling
bee; I never do.
LIANE
This year is gonna be different. Look!
I got you "Hooked On Monkey Fonics."
CARTMAN
What the hell is "Hooked On Monkey
Fonics?"
LIANE
It's a new way to learn how to read
and spell. And it comes with everything
you need to help win that speling bee.
It says we just put the cassette into
a tape player
FEMALE VOICE
Welcome to "Hooked On Monkey Fonics,"
level 1. I will read the sounds and
the monkey will help keep the beat.
If your monkey arrived in the box dead,
call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey.
Ready? Let's begin.
The learning monkey is here to say
That reading is easy and it's okay.
[Liane starts swaying like a metronome]
Work with the monkey and you will learn
To spell hard words, like "morbid" and "burn."
Start with Card 1. [Liane holds it up] Ready? Begin! [glissant]
C, H. [a "ch" sound] Chalk. [the monkey plays four beats more,
then turns to Cartman. One more beat...]
CARTMAN
C, H. "Ch." Chalk.
FEMALE VOICE
Good. Card 2. T, H. There.
CARTMAN
T, H. "Th." There. Hey, this is easy!
I'm gonna win the spelling bee for
sure, Mom!
The 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals
[On stage, back row, are Wendy, Kevin, Jordan, Clyde, Butters
and Bebe. In the front row are Token, a new boy, an empty chair,
Kyle, Stan, and Cartman. Off to the left, Mr. Mackey will keep
score, but doesn't look at all happy about it. The Mayor is front
and center]
MAYOR
All right, everyone. Welcome to the
15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee
Finals! This should be very interesting.
We have with us twelve of the brightest
spellers from South Park Elementary.
JIMBO
Kyle, Kyle, he's our man. If he can't
win it, I'm out 50 bucks.
KYLE'S FATHER
You bet money on my son to win?!
JIMBO
Sure! When it comes to spelling bees,
always bet on the Jew.
CARTMAN
You're going down, bitch!
KYLE
Shut up, fatass! Everyone knows I can
spell better than you.
CARTMAN
Yeah, well this year I have a secret
weapon!
MAYOR
And, joining us this year, are the two
home-schooled children, Rebecca and
Mark Cotswolds!
JIMBO
What?!
CARTMAN
Home-schooled kids? Who the hell are
they?
JIMBO
Ey, that's not fair! You can't let home-schooled
kids into a public-school spelling bee!
KYLE
What's a "home-schooled kid"?
STAN
I don't know, dude. I've never seen
them before.
THE COTSWOLDS
Go, Mark! Go, Rebecca!
MAYOR
Our first contestant is Mark Cotswolds,
from home school. All right, Mark.
Your word is "conscientious."
CARTMAN
What?! What the fuck that that mean?
MARK
"Conscientious." May I have the definition,
please?
MAYOR
Closely attentive to details. Careful.
MARK
"Conscientious." Could you use it in
a sentence, please?
MAYOR
Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was...
conscientious.
MARK
"Conscientious." C O N S C I E N T I
O U S.
CARTMAN
Holy crap!
THE COTSWOLDS
Way to go, Mark! Alright!
MAYOR
Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman.
Alright, Eric, here's your word: chair.
Chaaiirr.
CARTMAN
Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! Come
on!
MAYOR
Eric, your word is "chair."
CARTMAN
Uuh. Definition?
MAYOR
Something you sit on.
CARTMAN
Country of origin?
MAYOR
English!
CARTMAN
Could you please use it in a sentence?
MAYOR
Oh, for Christ's sake, kid! The word
is "chair"!!
CARTMAN
Uh- chair. C H A R E God damnit, how
come I get the hard ones?! Get over
here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!
[The spelling bee. After several rounds, the other kids are eliminated.
The Cotswolds kids and Kyle are the only ones left.]
MAYOR
All right, we're down to just three
finalists. First up is Rebecca Cotswolds
from home school. Alright, Rebecca.
Here's your word: littoral.
REBECCA
"Littoral." Deh-finition?
MAYOR
Having to do with a lake or ocean.
REBECCA
"Littoral." Will you please use it in
a sentence?
MAYOR
Gary was most interested in the littoral
features of Michigan.
REBECCA
"Littoral." L I T O R A L
Mayor [sounding the little bell] Correct!
KYLE
Wow!
MR. COTSWOLDS
Alright, Rebecca. Good job, honey.
MAYOR
Now we have Kyle Broflovski. Here we
go. Krocsyldiphithic.
KYLE
What??
MAYOR
Krocsyldiphithic.
KYLE
Definition?
MAYOR
Something which has a krocsyldiph-like
quality.
KYLE
Uh, could you use it in a sentence?
MAYOR
Certainly. "Krocsyldiphithic" is a hard
word to spell.
KYLE
"Krocsyldiphic."
JIMBO
You can do it, kid! You can do it!
KYLE
"Krocsyldiphic." C Damnit!
JIMBO
You little bastard, you cost me fifty
bucks. Why don't you run away and join
the circus, you stupid little son of
a bitch?! Aaargh!
MAYOR
Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca.
You are truly South Park's finest.
STAN
Damn, dude. Those home-schooled kids
are smart.
CARTMAN
Yeah. Too bad they have the personalities
of a wet dishcloth.
KYLE
What's your name?
REBECCA
Guh what's in a name?
KYLE
Wooww.
MARK
It was nice competing against you boys.
We will have to do it again sometime.
CARTMAN
Oh, yes. We must do it again.
STAN
We've never seen you before. Do you
live in the woods or something?
MARK
No. I live right over there. I've lived
there all my life.
CARTMAN
How come you don't go to school?
MARK
Because I'm home-schooled.
STAN
What's that?
MARK
My parent teach me. So I stay at home
instead of going to school.
Cartman; You what? Stay at home? All day? No school?
MARK
Right.
CARTMAN
Who would have thought such a miracle could be?
Who could have known that this moment I would see?
A new way of living, a chance to be free?
STAN
Shut up, Cartman?
CARTMAN
You shut up, butthole.
STAN
You shut up, gaywad!
CARTMAN
You shut up, ass-logger!
MARK
Oh my goodness, are you two enemies?
STAN
Nno, we're friends.
MARK
Strange, friends would call each other
names and fight.
STAN
What?
MR. COTSWOLDS
Come, children, let's take our trophies
home and place them high up on the mantel.
STAN
Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos.
[The Cotswolds house, night. The family is at dinner]
MARK
Papa?
MR. COTSWOLDS
Yes, Mark?
MARK
Why can't I go to school with the other
boys?
MRS. COTSWOLDS
Oooh.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Well, because, son, public schools
are inefficient and dangerous!
MARK
But I want to play with the other children.
O, how they laugh and play, Papá.
MRS. COTSWOLDS
Mark, you have play time. You get to
play in the afternoon.
MARK
I just feel like I should go to public
school, if only for a little while.
To see what other little boys are like.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Mark, public schools are no good! Your
mother and I were both home-schooled,
and we turned out much better because
of it.
MARK
Please, Papá. Just let me try it for
a few days.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Alright. Fine, Mark! You go ahead and
go to public school! You can just find
out for yourself how flawed and treacherous
it is!
MARK
Hooray!
MR. COTSWOLDS
You don't want to go to public school
too, do you, Rebecca?
REBECCA
Oh, heavens, no.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Well, thank God for that! At least my
daughter will remain safe!
KYLE
Uh, hi. Is, uh, is Rebecca home?
MRS. COTSWOLDS
Yes she is.
KYLE
...Uuh, can I talk to her?
MRS. COTSWOLDS
Oh. Well, I suppose so. Rebecca! This
little boy wants to see you.
REBECCA
Huhlo?
KYLE
U-u-uh, hi.
REBECCA
Hel-lo.
KYLE
Huuh, I wah... just ah... well... that's all.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Who was that?
MRS. COTSWOLDS
A little boy wanted to see Rebecca.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Oh no. I told you the spelling bee
was a bad idea.
MRS. COTSWOLDS
But the children won, and they were
happy to meet the other children.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Yes, but now I think we may have opened
a Pandora's box that we can't close!
[South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's class. Craig, Butters,
and Tweek sit in the front row.]
MR. GARRISON
Hokay, children, we have a new student
joining us from home school. Now, his
parents are very worried about his safety,
so please don't be too cruel to him.
Mark?
MARK
Hey, guys. What's up?
CARTMAN
Dude, what's wrong with you? You got
some kind of John Travolta disease?
MR. GARRISON
Alright, children, let's just try to
pretend there isn't a little boy in
a huge plastic hamster ball here, and
go on with our studies. Now, who can
tell me when Columbus sailed the seas
and discovered America? Ehyes, Mark?
CARTMAN
Ey! How come you never pick me?!
MR. GARRISON
Because you never know the right answer,
butt-for-brains! Yes, Mark?
MARK
The answer is 1492. However, the Americas
had already been discovered by many
before him, including the Vikings and
the Native Americans. And therefore,
your question is a charade.
CARTMAN
Aww, see? That's what I was gonna say!
MR. GARRISON
Well, very impressive, Mark. You should
be able to throw the grading curve and
flunk all these little bastards.
STAN
Oh, God. This kid's gonna last about
five seconds out on the playground.
MR. GARRISON
Now, who can tell me what country Columbus
was from? Put your hand down, creampuff.
CARTMAN
That does it! I do not need to sit
here and be ridiculed! I'm gonna go
be home-schooled from now on!
STAN
You don't wanna be home-schooled, fatass.
CARTMAN
I'm gonna be home-schooled, and leave
all the pain and suffering of public
school behind me! Screw you guys, I'm
a-gonna be home-schooled!
MR. GARRISON
Oh, please God, let it be forever.
[The playground. The recess bell rings and the kids rush out
the door. Mark joins them in his huge hamster ball. Beside the
jungle gym Stan and Pip stand next to each other, with Bebe and
Jordan behind them]
STAN
Come on, Pip, say it. Say "Please, hit
me."
PIP
But, if I say that, you'll hit me.
STAN
No! I'm gonna hit you if you don't say
it. If you say "Please, hit me," I won't
hit you.
PIP
Please, hit me.
STAN
All right.
PIP
Ooowww!
STAN
Alright, we'll try this again, Pip.
MARK
I don't understand. You seem to like
that boy, yet hate him at the same time.
CRAIG
Hey, kid. Get out of that hamster ball.
MARK
Oh. I promised my father I wouldn't.
STAN
Oh, boy. Sorry, dude, you're on your
own.
BUTTERS
Oowhy yu- you best do what he says,
uh home-school kid. Why, this is our
part of the playground, see? And uh,
a-and if you don't follow our rules,
whyuh, why we're gonna duct-tape ya
to the bench.
MARK
You mean you would actually duct-tape
my entire body to a bench? For what
purpose?
CRAIG
Just get out of the hamster ball, or
else you're gonna find out!
[Mark moves to the door and opens it. The ball moves, and Butters
holds in in place while Mark flips his way out of it. Once he's
on the ground, a bunch of boys come in and crowd him. Token,
Bill, Tweek, Clyde, and Terrence join Craig and Butters in carrying
Mark to the bench.]
BOYS
Okay, let's get him...
BUTTERS
Got it.
CRAIG
Have a nice second half of the day,
nerdo!
BUTTERS
Yeah why, why, you shouldn't be such
a smart-mouthed Mr. Know-It-All!
MARK
Oh, dear.
[The Cotswolds house. Mr. and Mrs. Cotswolds pace their living
room, worried about their son's whereabouts]
MR. COTSWOLDS
Oh, where could he be? He should've
been home from public school by now.
MRS. COTSWOLDS
I'm sure he's alright.
MR. COTSWOLDS
That must be him.
MRS. COTSWOLDS
Waaaaah!
MR. COTSWOLDS
Oh my God, son!
MARK
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Mark, what have they done to you?!
MARK
Well, they duct-taped me to a bench.
MRS. COTSWOLDS
But why?
MARK
I don't know, mother. It didn't make
any sense at all.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Well, you see? This is what happens
at public schools!
MARK
But I want to go back tomorrow, papá.
MRS. COTSWOLDS
What??
MARK
Please, just give me one more day.
MRS. COTSWOLDS
What do we do?
MR. COTSWOLDS
Well, if we're goin' to let him go back,
it looks like I need to have a little
talk with those other boys' fathers.
[The Cotswolds house, night. A girl's bedroom is shown. Rebecca
is at her desk writing.]
A VOICE
Everywhre I go, I'm thinking of you, Rebecca.
[she stops writing and looks to the window]
I don't know what to do, Rebecca.
[she hops off the chair, walks over to her toy box and hops onto
it]
You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better.
[she looks out the window. It is Kyle she sees]
So what do you say we get together?
You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!
You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!
Rebecca, you're really quite good-looking!
You're a fox.
[she looks a bit more, then moves away from the window. Kyle
waits, then brightens as she returns. She drops some money down
to him, and it lands in the guitar case. She moves away again,
and he looks at the money]
[The town bar. Jimbo, Ned, Randy, and Gerald sit at the bar sipping
some beers. As Mr. Cotswolds enters, the camera pulls back to
reveal Stuart McCormick, Richard Tweek, and Craig's father at
the bar with the others]
MR. COTSWOLDS
Good evening, gentlemen. If I can have
your attention for a few moments. My
son Mark was beat up in school today
by your sons. I think it would be appropriate
for you to talk with your sons, and
instruct them to no longer tease or
bother my boy.
RANDY
Uh, look, Mr....
MR. COTSWOLDS
Cotswolds.
RANDY
Mr. Cotswolds, we can't completely control
what our kids do socially. That's...,
you know, that's for them to figure
out on their own.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Well, obviously, they need to be coached
a little better. And furthermore, your
son has been harassing my little girl!
I would like you to tell him to stop.
KYLE'S FATHER
Hey, my son is just discovering love.
Maybe your daughter is, too. They-uh,
they need to know about that stuff.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Uh, hello-o? My girl is eight years
old! What does she need to know about
love?
RANDY
Well, something. I mean, you can't just
wait until she's a teenager and expect
her to figure out everything all at
once.
MR. COTSWOLDS
I will not tell you how to raise your
children, and you will not tell me how
to raise mine!
JIMBO
Eh, you wanna beer or something, Cotswolds?
MR. COTSWOLDS
No, I don't drink beer. I just like
wine coolers.
JIMBO
You what??
[The town bar, later. The men head out the door.]
JIMBO
See ya, Cotswolds. Thanks for stopping
by.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah. See ya.
[South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day. Lunchtime. Stan,
Kyle, and Kenny are at table]
KYLE
...I can't even get her to understand.
It's like she's from another planet.
MARK
Can I sit here with you?
STAN
Aw, man, if you have to.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Attention, students. Don't forget that
this Friday night is the South Park
Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance.
We will have a very special band performing,
so please come early.
KYLE
Hey! That's it! That dance! I can ask
Rebecca to go to the dance!
STAN
Dude, what happened to you? You're a
total wuss now.
KENNY
(Heheh, yeah. You're a faggot, dude.
Fuck, yeah. Hehe-eheh.)
MARK
Why do you call Kyle names and laugh
at him? Is he not your friend?
STAN
Yeah, dude, but guys just do that. We
rip on each other and stuff.
MARK
I see. It's like, you have to mark your
territory as a boy. You have to socially
find your place.
KYLE
What??
CRAIG
Enjoying your lunch, nerdo?
MARK
Ah! Stick and stones may break my bones,
but words will never harm me.
STAN
Ah, dude, you don't say that.
MARK
Huh?
CRAIG
Get him!
KYLE
Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting
to public school.
STAN
Yeah. I wonder how Cartman is doing
with his home-schooling.
[The Cartman house, afternoon. Cartman is in bed with a bag of
chips.]
CARTMAN
Eeehhh.
ANNOUNCER
Welcome to Huntin' and Killin' with
Jimbo and Ned.
CARTMAN
Eehh, shut up. Ooohhh, yeasss.
LIANE
Hon, are you ready for some math problems?
CARTMAN
Eh, not right this second, mother. Put
them there by the door.
LIANE
Oh, all right.
CARTMAN
Mom?
LIANE
Yes?
CARTMAN
Could you turn up the heat just a little?
LIANE
Sure, hon.
CARTMAN
Egghhh. Dude, home-schooling rules.
Yeeehhhhhhss!
[The Cotswolds house, afternoon. Kyle approaches the front door
and rings the bell. Rebecca answers and immediately puts her
hands together]
REBECCA
Oh, hel-lo.
KYLE
Hoh! Uh, Rebecca. There's this dance,
see, at the school, and um,
REBECCA
He-ey, would you like to come up to
my room?
KYLE
Huh?
REBECCA
Woowould you like to come up to my room?
KYLE
Uuuh, okay. Gah!
[The Cotswolds house, the living room. Mark is talking with his
parents]
MR. COTSWOLDS
I'm sorry, son. There's nothing we can
do to stop those bullies. We have to
pull you out of public school.
MARK
Oh, papá. Can I at least go to the dance
tomorrow?
MR. COTSWOLDS
Well alright, you can go, but I'll be
there to supervise.
MARK
Alright.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Mark, where's your sister?
MARK
She's upstairs playing Doctor with that
Kyle boy.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Oh, alright.
BOTH PARENTS
What?!
MRS. COTSWOLDS
Rebecca! Aaah! Aaaaah! Noo-hooo!
MR. COTSWOLDS
Rebecca, don't play that perverted game!
REBECCA
I have to extricate a rr-region in his
cerebral cortex, or risk ih-nfection
to the synaptic responses.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Ah. Alright. Rebecca. But it's time
to start your home-schooling!
KYLE
Rebecca, there's this dance, see, the
South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial
Dance, and uh, now I was wondering,
ih-ih-ih if you wanna go.
REBECCA
Hhm. Alright, I guess I'll go.
KYLE
You will?
REBECCA
I guess. Are you gonna go? Maybe I'll
see you there.
KYLE
No no. I mean, go with me.
REBECCA
Oh, I'm sure Father will give me a ride.
[The Cartman house, his bedroom. He still looks sleepy.]
CARTMAN
Ahhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhh-ahhhh. Tired,
tired.
LIANE
Eric, I got you a new history textbook.
Why don't you come downstairs.
CARTMAN
Wwaargh. Not right now, Mom.
LIANE
Eric, please. We have to do some studying
today.
CARTMAN
I am studying, Mom. I'm learning with
the Fonics Monkey.
STAN
Hey, fatass, how's home-schooling going?
CARTMAN
Oh, it's soo sweet, you guys.
STAN
Well, get your ass out of bed! We have
to go deal with that home-school kid!
CARTMAN
Huh, I can't. I'm too tired. Maybe
tomorrow.
KENNY
(Hey, can I have that?) (Heey.)
STAN
But the big dance is tomorrow and all
the guys are gonna duct-tape him to
a flagpole.
CARTMAN
That sounds cool. Maybe I'll go to
that.
KENNY
(Hey!) (Hey, Cartman, help me.)
CARTMAN
Stop it, Fonics Monkey! I'm warning
you! Stop that, Fonics Monkey!
STAN
Oh my God, Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!
CARTMAN
You're damn straight, he did.
[The Cotswolds house, later that afternoon. Kyle is in the backyard
waiting for Rebecca. She comes out and closes the sliding door.]
KYLE
You got my note?
REBECCA
Uh of course. You taped it to my dog;
how could I not see it?
KYLE
Uh, can we sit down?
REBECCA
Wha-y noh-ot? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful?
He works so hard on it.
KYLE
Rebecca, don't you ever... look at the
town? At that... flicker of light over
there?
REBECCA
I... have looked at it.
KYLE
Well, that's a public school. And in
it there are children, just like us.
REBECCA
How can children go to school on a f-licker
of light?
KYLE
From public school, your house is just
a flicker of light. Don't you want
to go out? All you do is... stay in your
house and... study
REBECCA
Well, what else would one do?
KYLE
Love, for one thing.
REBECCA
And woowhat is love?
KYLE
Love ...is the most important thing on...
earth. When boys and girls feel ...love,
they kiss.
REBECCA
Woowhat means "ki-iss"?
KYLE
When a man and a woman feel ...love... they
put their lips together.
REBECCA
Oh, you mean a-a mate. When it is time
to increase the herd, my provider will
select one for me.
KYLE
Rebecca, in public school, we select
our... own mate. In public school, men
and women get together. Make each other
happy.
REBECCA
You certainly come from a silly place.
Still, I should like to try that... kiss.
So I cold write about it. How do we
do it?
KYLE
I'm not completely sure.
REBECCA
Should we... l-look it up?
KYLE
No, I think it's something you have
to try a few times. Until you get it...
right.
REBECCA
Wow. Wow, that was fun!
KYLE
Dah. Does that mean you'll go to the
dance?
REBECCA
Y-you bet your sweet a-ass I will.
CRAIG
Alright, here's the plan. Tomorrow night
at the dance, when none of the chaperones
are looking, you guys go grab Mark.
Bring him out here, and then we're gonna
duct-tape him to this flagpole.
STAN
Are you sure? He can be out here all
night on the flagpole.
CRAIG
That's the point, buttpipe.
STAN
Don't call me a buttpipe, buttpipe!
BUTTERS
Wewell, come on. We gotta buy us some
more duct tape.
BOYS
Hooray!
BILL
Hooray.
KYLE'S FATHER
Alright, here's the plan. All we gotta
do is volunteer to chaperone the dance
tomorrow.
RANDY
Uhwhy do we want to all chaperone the
dance?
JIMBO
Because Cotswolds is gonna to live there.
And when he shows up, we all grab him,
bring him out here, and duct-tape him
to the flagpole!
KYLE'S FATHER
The flagpole! That's great!
JIMBO
Come on! We gotta buy more duct tape.
MEN
Alright!
[South Park Elementary, night. It's Friday and the kids are gathering
in the gym for the dance. Mark is already in the crowd, but the
time is not yet. There isn't much to dance to, but kids dance
anyway. Wendy and Bebe hop back and forth. Tweek dances as well.
Pip is dancing in the background. Jordan and Clyde, Token and
the redhead, Kevin, Terrence and Fosse, and the tattered kid
stand around.]
STAN
Dude, we're gonna go duct-tape that
Mark kid to the bleachers. You wanna
help?
KYLE
I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca
to show up.
STAN
Oh, brother!
KYLE
Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the
woman of my dreams!
STAN
You suck now, Kyle!
KYLE
You suck!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Boys and girls, can I have your attention,
please? This year we have a very special
guest performing the South Park Elementary
Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a
musical force in the '70's and '80's.
Please welcome Ronnie James Dio!
DIO
Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?!
I said, are you ready to rock?!
BUTTERS
Uh, uuh, sure uh, I guess.
DIO
Then let's hit it! I know you all remember
this one. It's off my first solo album.
The song that you all helped me make
number 1.
Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea.
Oh, what's-
CRAIG
Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled
kid! Come on! Let's go duct-tape him
to the flagpole!
BUTTERS
Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's
sister?
REBECCA
Hi, guys.
BUTTERS
Woo-oh Holy Cow!
REBECCA
He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay?
TOKEN
What the-? Damn, baby.
REBECCA
Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?
KYLE
Rebecca. You...
MARK
Rebecca, what the devil are you doing?
REBECCA
I'm... having... fun, Mark.
PIP
Oh, my goodness!
MARK
You're out of control. You did this
to my sister!
KYLE
Uh. All I did was show her how to-
MARK
You made my sister into a slut! I'll
kill you!
KYLE
Aaaah!
MARK
You dip! I'm gonna whip your bitch
ass!
KYLE
Ooww!
CRAIG
Oh my God!
STAN
Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
BUTTERS
Yeah. He's a badass!
RANDY
Alright, alright, that's enough, boys.
MARK
...I'm not through with you, bitch!
STAN
Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark.
BUTTERS
Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you
stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd
have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.
STAN
Do you wanna go have some cake with
me, Mark?
CRAIG
No! He's my friend!
BUTTERS
Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!
MR. COTSWOLDS
They've got to be here somewhere.
JIMBO
Hey, there's Cotswolds. Come on! Let's
duct-tape him to the flagpole!
MEN
Yeah!
MR. COTSWOLDS
Where are my children?! I'm taking them
out of this God-forsaken place!
MARK
Calm down, papá! Everything is all
right. You see, I've learned something
today. Public schools may be a bit lacking
in education, but it's the main place
where children learn all of their social
skills. You can't teach a child social
skills. They have to learn them themselves.
And the only place to do that is on
the playground, in the cafeteria, and
so on. Don't you see, papá? That's
what happened to your daughter. You
tried so hard to keep her from anythng
sexual, and now look at her. She's a
God-damned whore, papá.
BUTTERS
Well, she sure is.
MARK
I know letting your kids out into the
world is scary. I know you wish nothing
bad would ever happen to us. But bad
things will happen, and we have to start
learning now how to deal with those
things.
MR. COTSWOLDS
Mark. You're absolutely right. Okay,
childdren. If it's what you want, you
can start going to public school.
KIDS
Alright!
STAN
Nice speech, nerdo.
MARK
Thanks, gaywad.
CARTMAN
Now you're gettin' it.
JIMBO
Well, come on, guys. If I'm not mistaken,
we still have someone to duct-tape to
the flagpole!
MEN
Hooray!
MR. COTSWOLDS
What?!
MARK
See ya, papá!
DIO
Well, I'm glad we all learned something
today, kids. Now, let's dance!
[End of Hooked On Monkey Fonics
Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea.
Oh, what's becoming of me?
Ride the tiger. You can see his stripes but you know he's clean.
Oh, don't you see what I mean?
Gotta get away, Holy Diver.]
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