[The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila are with Ike at his
changing table in his room.]
Hold still, Ike! We have to get you
dressed! Where the heck is Kyle?
I don't kow. Come on, Kyle! You're gonna
be late for Jew Scouts!
[Kyle looks in the bathroom mirror to make sure everything is
set, and hums. Both he and Kyle have little pigtails hanging
from their hair.]
I'm coming, Ma!
Go get the door, Kyle!
"Get ready," "answer the door," Jesus
Christ, make up your frickin' mind!
[The living room. Kyle walks across to the front door and opens
Oh! Hey, Kenny.
(Kyle, I'm gonna camp and watch the
meteor shower. Do you wanna come and
see it with me?)
I can't watch the meteor shower with
you, Kenny. I have to go to Jewbilee.
It's what we do in Jew Scouts. Usually
we just sit around and make stuff. But
tonight, because there's a meteor shower,
we're gonna do some big thing out in
the woods. It's gonna suck ass, I'm
(Oh, that's alright.)
Hey! Maybe you can come with me. Then
it won't suck so hard.
Mom? Can Kenny go to Jewbilee with me?
...Uhwell, Kyle, Jewbilee is sort of a
...Oh. Kenny isn't special?
No, no, you're very special, Kenny.
It's just that... well, Jewbilee is... for
You see boys, Jew Scouts is a special
group that borrows a little bit from
all different Jewish denominations.
From the Orthodox Jews, from the Hasidic
Jews, from the Northern Italy Cave Jews...
But you have to believe the basic tenets
of Judaism to be a Scout.
Kenny'll believe whatever you want him
Kyle, eh, the problem is-
Please, Ma. I don't think Kenny has
anywhere else to be tonight.
Oh, all right. Just don't let any of
the elders know that he isn't Jewish,
Come on, Ike! It's time to go to Squirts!
You have to be in Squirts if you're
too young to be a Jew Scout.
Don't worry, Kenny. I'll fill you in
on our faith on the way up there.
[In the car. The family and Kenny drive south as a full moon
rises. Sheila gives a quick overview of the Old Testament, or
And then, Kenny, Abraham's wife bore
him no children. She had a handmaid,
an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And
Sarai said unto Abraham, "Behold now,
the Lord hath restrained me from bearing.
I pray thee, go into my maid."
Abraham begat Isaac, who the Lord then
said to kill. But that was just a little
silly trick to see if Abraham would
No, Ike! Ma, Ike keeps taking off his
Ike, you behave!
Buh buh buh buh
I don't think Ike wants to go to Squirts.
Ike, your brother Kyle was in Squirts,
and so was I. You have to go so someday
you can be a big brave Jew Scout.
Tell Ike how much fun Squirts is, Kyle.
What? You want me to lie?
Oh. Ike, Squirts is so much fun-
Oh my God, what is that?!
Hey, it's a bear!
This retreat really is out of the way,
[The Jew Scout camp. The sign on the entrance reads, "WELCOME
TO JEWBILEE." They reach the Jew welcome station]
Welcome to Jewbilee. You folks find
Yeah. Actually, we saw a bear a few
He was huge.
Yeah. We spotted him a few days ago.
Nothing to worry about, though. Your
boys are safe with us.
I'm sure they are.
We'llbe back to pick you up after the
meteor shower party, boys.
Good-bye, boys. Kyle and Ike, you be
safe. And Kenny?
Try and act Jewish.
(How do you do that?)
Come on, Squirt! We're meeting over
Who are you?
I'm the Squirt leader. I don't want
to be the Squirt leader, but I don't
have a choice; it's the only way I can
earn my chutzpah badge. So I gotta spend
all night instructing Squirts.
You have to go with him, Ike.
Buh buh buh buh.
Don't worry, Ike. Squirts is fun. And
I'll be right over there in the next
Uh, Kenny McHeinenberg.
Alright, get to Meshuggeneh Hall! The
meeting is already starting.
[On the way to Meshuggeneh Hall. Kenny is curious about the buildings,
This is where the elders meet. Nobody
is allowed to go in there when they're
having a meeting.
[The chamber of elders, the meeting. The Chief Elder sits on
a futuristic throne, from which he can look down at the other
Baleilah hazein, Hame kadesh mekoh hikenazu
puanazikeh hakeilah. (Now gather us,
the elders, on this most holy of nights.)
Helalelah, het Moshe. (Praise Moses.)
I want to welcome you all. Though we
each come from a different sect of Judaism,
on this night of Jewbilee, we all pray
to Moses as one. Hineinih kureh leirukeshu.
(May all the power of Moses show the
way) Now, let us all introduce ourselves.
Elder Carn, from the Orthodox synagogue.
Elder Harris, from the Hasidic sect.
Elder Garth, from the synagogue of Anti-Semites.
I don't believe I've heard of the Anti-Semitic
sect of Judaism before.
[Squirt's Lair. Stars of David are everywhere.]
Okay, Squirts, the elders have given
us a very important task tonight. We
are all going to make macaroni pictures,
like this one, using dry macaroni,
paper, and glue.
How come we have to make macaroni pictures?
Because that's what Squirts do! Now,
shut your pie-hole!
What's your name?
How come your head is lookin' so... funny-looking?
[Meshuggeneh Hall, the camp lodge, but inside it looks like a
lecture hall. The banner outside says, "Jew Scouts Meeting Hall"]
And that's how we'll be making tonight's
craft. And so you see, Scouts, all you
need is a bar of soap and a dull knife
, and you can make nifty soap sculptures
like these. Here's a giraffe. And here's
a cloud. You can all pick up your bars
of soap later on, as we will all be
making soap sculptures tonight. Now,
this year we are pleased to announce
that Jewbilee has grown to over one
hundred Jew Scouts from all around the
country. All new inductees, raise your
That's you, Kenny. Raise your hand.
Uuuuhh, yess, and what is your name,
O-oh, wonderful, uh, uh, um. Cuh, Could
you run out and grab some- some of those
candles for us? There we go. Ahem.
Now, I would like all the new inductees
to step forward, please.
This part kinda sucks, Kenny, but don't
screw it up.
Raise your left hand and repeat after
me: I pleadge to be a Jew Scout.
I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
My honor, wide and true.
My honor, wide and true.
I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
(Lahit chaim.) (Ha, Hiheh haha.) (Hah,
Oh my God!)
[Squirt's Lair. Macaroni projects now due]
Okay, Squirts, let's see what you made
macaroni pictures of. Ishmael?
...You don't make a macaroni picture
of the Last Supper at a Jewish camp!
What the Jeez? Oh my God, it's that
bear they've been talking about! Where
did it go?! Squirts, go grab your gear!
We're gonna hunt us a bear! Then I'll
get my Chutzpah badge for sure!
[The Chamber of Elders]
Elehem hav dorim, ashoseveh laoleinu.
Hakadosh boruku, omasheh hachreit. (Tonight,
for the meteor shower, we will pray
to Moses. Then we will give Moses thanks.)
Oh, enough already? What has Moses
ever done for us?
All sects of Judaism follow the words
Not mine. Tonight's meteor shower is
a sign of the New Time, heh. We should
use it to pray to Haman and enter into
a new millennium faith, and ih-
Enough, elder! You will not speak the
name of Haman here!
All you ever do is worship Moses, but
it says in the Book of Centuries that
Haman will one day lead the Jews.
We pray to Moses here, elder.
If you guys love Moses so much, why
don't you marry him?!
We accept all denominations of Judaism
here at Scouts, elder, but your synagogue
of anti-Semites is too strange! Get
out and do not return: you are no longer
Fine! Jewbilee is the time of Haman!
You will all see how wrong you are,
very soon! When Haman returns from the
Ninth Tower of Disillusionment, and
smotes Moses and all his followers into
pillars of dust that would cry for their
petty lives but can't, having recently
been turned into dust and all, you will
see! You will see thie very night!
[The Campfire. The Jew Scouts form a ring around it and sit.
Kyle and Kenny stand behind the chief elder.]
Come on, Kenny. You have to get in the
(What the fuck are we doing?)
This is where we all stand in a circle
and pray to Moses for guidance during
(Uheheheheh, that's stupid.)
It is not stupid, Kenny! This is my
faith and you shouldn't make fun of
Alright, Jew Scouts, the meteor shower
will start soon. Let's pray to Moses
for guidance. Moses, great leader,
on this blessed night of Jewbilee, we
ask for your tutelage.
May the teachings of Moses fill our
ears and our hearts respectively.
Stupid assholes. Moses ain't gonna
teach them anything! Do not fear, Haman.
This night shall be yours, and the anti-Semitic
Jews will once again rule the Earth.
[The Squirts and their leader march through the woods]
We are Squirts, we are Squirts. We're
so kosher that it hurts.
When we get older we'll be Scouts, but until then we are Squirts.
Oh, funt. No!
Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, the bear took
a Squirt. Oh, I'm gonna get it now!
[Back at the campfire, the Scouts are trying to summon Moses]
(What's happening now?)
Sh. Shut up, Kenny.
(WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!)
That's Moses, stupid!
Great Moses, we, your most loyal followers,
want to thank you a lot for coming.
The hour of Jewbilee is near. Let all
debts be forgiven and all slaves freed.
Alright Scouts, let's all show Moses
our soap sculptures so that he may rejoice
and be pleased.
It's a duck.
[Behind the tree. Garth reads from the Book of Centuries]
And it was foretold that the spirit
of Moses would finally rest when his
spirit was imprisoned by Haman in a
conch shell of blind faith. Conch shell,
like this one, hnee.
Moses, the Squirts have made you tidings
of macaroni pictures. They should be
here any second. Where the hell are
the Squirts? We need those macaroni
pictures for Moses right now!
[The woods. The Squirt leader is setting a trap for the bear.
He places some bait on a tray swinging from a rope as the Squirts
hold the rope steady from behind a bush. Then he pours some DED
RAT grains onto the bait]
Now, we'll just see how Mr. Bear likes
rat poison. Well now, that'll be enough
to kill a stupid bear. Okay, raise the
tray! Chutzpah badge, here I come.
Yikes! Okay, here he comes. Easy now.
Easy, Squirts. Okay, Squirt, lower
the tray. That's it. That's it, you
God-damned stupid bearface!
Aaah! Ah! AAAAH!
Jesus! Hell, he got another Squirt!
You think you can stop me from getting
my Chutzpah badge, you stupid bear?!
[The Campfire. The Scouts now sing "Kumbaya," a spiritual]
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. O Lord, Kumbaya.
Great and honorable Moses, what do you
desire from us, your children?
I desire... I desire... mamaroni pictures.
Yeh yes, yes, the macaroni pictures
are coming right away. Uh, anything
else you want from us, O great leader
of the people?
I desire... popcorn necklaces.
You heard him. Get to making popcorn
necklaces right away! All you need
is some popcorn, and a needle and thread.
Hold! There is... an impurity.
Oh no, he's on to me, Haman.
An impurity, Moses?
This child here is not kosher.
(Uh oh.) (Help me, Kyle! What are we
Don't worry. I know what to do.
Scout Broflovski, have you defiled Jew
Scouts by bringing a non-Hebrew to Jewbilee?!
Elder, It's not my fault. He told me
he was Jewish.
A non-Jew has inflitrated Jew Scouts
and looked upon the face of Moses! He
must be dealt with!
(I'm telling you, it's Kyle you want.
He's the one who tried to get me in
here, and you know it.)
You are banished from here. You must
leave before the great eating of carrot
He doesn't get cake??
No cake for the impurity!
Go now. You do not belong here.
Infatu camdavid. David hakum ba'ikan
: Elder, what are you doing?!
Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht!
He's reading from the Book of Haman!
Enter the conch shell, Moses!
Eo! Eh! Diu!
And there you shall stay, trapped for
Elder, what have you done?
I told you, the meteor shower is the
time of Haman! I am running Jewbilee
Release Moses, now!
I don't think so!
When do we get to eat carrot cake?
Now. All of you into that building,
or I shoot you where you stand!
Elder, you cannot mean-.
Now! Now, Haman, your time has come!
Dude, what the hell is going on?!
If he summons Haman, we will all be
[The woods. The Squirts still march]
We are Jew Squirts, we know Jewish
Stick stick smiley smiley Stick stick smiley smiley
dur dur dur dur dur-
Hold it, Squirts! This is where we'll set our trap. Everyone
remember your squadron. Alpha-5 and Gamma-7 will be on recon
teams. Alpha will take left flank and flush the bear out of sector
three. Once we're in position, I want constant contact between
all squad leaders. We'll flush him out and we'll attack him!
[the bear comes up silently and snatches another Squirt]
Remember, this is only a bear. All
we have to do is stick together, and
we can spend the rest of the night making
bear sandwiches! Where's Zigmo?
God-damnit! You stupid God-damned son
of a bear, you've taken your last Squirt!
Do you hear me?!
[The Campire. Elder Garth is kneeling before it, summoning Haman.]
And the Ancient One looked upon Haman
as the new leader of the people! And
it was the night that stars flew around
the sky! Yes! Yess!!
If he summons Haman, it will be the
end of everything we hold dear.
I wanna go home.
[The road. Kenny walks along the curb, then sees reflections
of headlights in front of him. He turns to see a car coming and
tries to stop it]
(Stop!) (Officer Barbrady, I really
need to talk to you!) (Shit!)
[The woods. The Squirt leader takes the Squirts back to camp.]
That bear thinks he can outsmart me!
Well, I'm not gonna let a stupid bear
get the- Hold! Look over there! It's
one of the Squirts the bear took. Maybe
he's okay. IT'S A TRAP!! Damn! Damn
damn damn! Okay, bear, that does it!
You wanna kill all the Squirts?! You
can have 'em! I give up! I don't need
my Chutzpah badge, or Jew Scouts, or
any of this crap! Forget it!
[The campfire. The meteor shower continues]
Let the New Tide turn! Let Haman rule
his people once again!
We await your return, Haman! Your passage
is safe from the enemies!
[The building. The chief elder tries to burst through the door,
Haman will be summoned and we will be
forced to obey him, or die.
Uh I'm fine with obeying.
Yeah, obeying should work out swell.
Don't worry, you guys. He forgot about
Kenny. Kenny will help us.
Kenny will find a way.
[The bear cave. The bear brings Kenny in.]
Hey, welcome to the party. See this
li'l bear cub? It's his birthday.
Yeah, so his mommy brought us all over
to play with him.
(Aw.) (Okay, you guys, we've gotta
get back to the camp and ...)
They are? Uh oh.
(Come on, Squirts, we gotta run! We're
already God-damned late!)
Come on, Squirts. We have to help them.
[The camp. The Squirt leader returns alone]
Elder Schwartz, I lost the Squirts!
I lost all the Squirts! Well, screw
you too! I don't need your Chutzpah
badge anyway! Hello?
Elder Schwartz [the chief elder] Shlomo, get us out of here!
What the Jeez? What are you guys doing
Elder Schwartz Get the keys and unlock the door! [the Scouts
jump up and down]
Get the keys and unlock the door!
I lost the Squirts!
Oh, Jiminy gravy, what is this??
It's the summoning of Haman, fool! The
awakening of a new kingdom, heeheh!
You can't wake Haman. What would Moses
Moses is trapped for all eternity in
the conch of blind faith!
Oh, no you don't! OOWW!!
Enough of this waste of time! Haman!
The Great Summoning is done! Upon these
words let your spirit come! Einich!
It is lost.
Hey, give that back!
It's the Squirts.
Unlock the door, Squirts! The keys are
They'll never reach.
Squirts, fall in. Chinese formation.
[The woods. Elder Garth catches up to Kenny]
Give me that book!
Haman will deal with you!
[The camp. The Squirts have finished the pillar, with Ike at
the very top. Ike gets the key and the pillar falls apart to
form two rows of four Squirts each, and Ike alone at the top
of the steps. He jumps up to the padlock and unlocks it. He then
removes the lock. The door opens and everyone inside pours out.
Elder Harris moves out into the open]
Oh, no. It's too late!
What is that?
It is Haman.
Free! Free to punish those that imprisoned
Haman! It's me, Garth! I freed you!
(It's okay, I'll use my head!)
Nooo! Eheh. Nooo! Moses. Uh I, I apologize
for any inconvenience, eheh. Uh yuh
you see, I was just uh-
No! Aaaaaah! Ooww!
That blow to his head must have killed
He saved us. He saved all the Jews.
You know, I think we all learned something
today. It's fine to have your own beliefs
and your own traditions, but as soon
as you start excluding people from your
ways, only because of their race, you
become separatists. And being a separatist
We've learned a lot from you and your
great friend, Kenny.
Every year we shall gather here in
this special place and bring Kenny tidings
of soap sculptures and macaroni pictures.
And those little shaker things where...
you put beans inside of paper plates
that are glued together.
Paper-plate bean shakers.
And let us put patterns of glue on the
outside of those paper plates so we
can then pour glitter on them so they
can look nice and sparkly.
You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to
[End of Jewbilee]