[Unplanned Parenthood, day. It has undergone renovation, so it
looks softer. It's snowing outside]
[Inside, operating room. A woman is waiting on a hospital bed.
She's quite pregnant. A doctor enters the room with a cart housing
everything he needs for his work, and approaches the bed]
Alright, Ms. Sanders, all ready for
Ready as I'm ever going to be, I guess.
Well, try to relax; It will all be over
Docter, can we turn off that television?
Oh yes, I 'm sorry.
Now, there is one more thing.
Have you heard of stem-cell research?
Uh-I've heard of it on the news, but...
I don't know what it is.
Well basically, a lot of amazing studies
have shown that stem cells might be
used to fight cancer and a myriad of
other diseases. Right now, a lot of
stem cells come from the tissue of aborted
fetuses- ah I'm sorry, unwanted children.
And if you sign a release, that tissue
can go to studies
Oh well, I suppose, if it can help others.
The hope is that someday it might.
Great. Well, here we go.
[Hallway outside operating room. The sounds of abortion are heard,
but the operation itself isn't seen. A janitor passes by with
a vacuuum cleaner. The OR door opens and the doctor steps out
with a small container]
Nurse? This is to go to Alder's Labs
for stem-cell research.
[The highway, moments later. The truck rolls along to "On The
Road Again." and the driver joins in the singing]
...going places that I've never been
Seeing things that I may never see a- Uuugh! [a deer leaps into
the read ahead of him and looks at him] Jesus Christ!! [swerves
to avoid the deer and goes over a cliff, tumbling down its side.
It lands somewhere below with its contents spilled all over the
place. The driver is killed on impact, but the song continues
[The highway, moments later. A Big Wheel rounds a corner...]
My baby takes the morning train and
she takes another home again. Hmm.
What do we have heah?
[A cow pasture, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit among the cows
burning cow dung. Kenny holds the match and lighter. The cows
around them are grazing]
Well that burned a long time.
Yeah, that was pretty good.
Oh dude, there goes one.
You've had that cough a while, Kenny.
(All right. I'm fine.)
Hehehey, fellas! Ah, hey fellas!
Eric says you gotta come to his house
Tell him we're busy.
Oh, ah, well, he knew you'd say that,
so, he told me to tell you that you
don't wanna miss this.
What, did he lose a hundred pounds?
Yeah, he ah knew you'd say that, too,
so he said t'say, ah, up your ass, Jew.
Alright, let's go see what he wants.
Oh, it's all sticky.
[Cartman's house, minutes later. The three other boys approach
him in the living room. Cartman can barely contain his glee.]
Alright, Cartman! What's so important
you had to pull us away from lighting
cow crap on fire?!
Oh you guys, you're not gonna believe
Guess what I have sitting in my back
(A football machine?)
Well WHAT, Cartman?
Thirty-three aborted fetuses. Oh yes.
Mint condition, tax free.
Cartman, what the hell are you doing
with aborted fetuses?!
I'm leaving right now!
Oh, I guess you don't watch the news,
You've never watched the news, fatass!
And what the hell does that have to
do with anything?!
Stem cells, numbnuts!
Oh, and what do you know about stem
(What the fuck are stem cells?)
They're cells that come from fetuses,
and some research show that they could
be used to treat diseases.
It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on
3-2-1 Contact. With all the research
that's going on, stem cells are worth
three times their weight in gold. What
I have in my back yard is an aborted
...I hate you so much.
Fine! I don't need you assholes! I can
sell these fetuses all on my own!
[Cartman's house, later. He's up in his room placing cold calls
to business he finds in the Yellow Pages.]
Hello. Is this theee University of Colorado
Biology Department? ...Great, uh I understand
you're corrently doing research on stem
cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in
possession of somesah aborted fetuses
that I'm looking to unload? ...Uh, how
much do you pay? ...No, no, come on,
ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty
dollars a pound right now. ...How about
a hundred? ...Oh you're breaking my
balls- I, I'll think about it.
Bosnod Medical Group? ...Yeah, I called earlier about the stem
cells and the fetuses? ...Okay, hi Randy, yeah. ...Oh yes, they've
been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. ...These are primo fetuses,
Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. ...So what can your company
give me for 'em? ...Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here.
...You're breaking my balls, Randy.
Oh plehease! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses
for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? ...Yeah,
I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck.
I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. ...So are you gonna
talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bullshitting each other?
Breakin' my balls, Chuck.
I gotta unload these fetuses, you wannan do some research. Are
we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. ...I'm telling
you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal
mistake. [suddenly grins and covers the receiver with his right
hand] That's a joke [removes his hand from the receiver] ...A
hundred ten. ...Alright, alright, we got a deal. ...Good bye.
[hangs up and relaxes, putting his feet up on his desk and his
hands behind his head] Damn I'm good.
[Alder Research Group, some days later. Cartman enters, hauling
the thirty-three aborted fetuses behind him in a wagon. Workers
around the lab move stuff around]
Can I help you?
Yes, I'm making a delivery of these
Oh, right, the fetuses. We were very
lucky you called. Our last shipment
of fetuses was lost in a truck accident.
Gee, that's terrible. So, uh who do
I talk to about payment?
This is awful, just awful!
Oh Larry! This young man has some new
fetuses for research.
You're gonna love these fetuses, Larry.
They're top notch
Oh well, I'm sorry, but we can't buy
those from you now.
...What?! We made a deal, Larry! I brought
them all the way down here already!
I'm afraid the government has just put
a ban on stem-cell research.
A ban? Why?
Too many people were upset about using
aborted fetal tissue for a study. It's
too bad, too. We really coulda helped
a lot of people.
Ay! What the hell am I supposed to
do with these things, huh?! God-damnit!
[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their
seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]
Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny
are ditching school again.
Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.
Alright, class, let's take our seats.
Now, uh, before we get started, Stan
and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to
see you in her office.
The principal? Aw, come on!
We don't know where Cartman is, Ms.
She needs to see you now!
Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew
as a scapegoat.
[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle enter
expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents
on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]
Wait. What's going on here?
Alright, we don't know for sure why
Cartman is ditching school, but it has
something to do with abortion. That's
all we know.
You didn't do anything wrong boys.
We just need to talk to you. Have a
seat. Boys, uh... your little friend
Kenny went to the hospital last night,
m'kay. And well, he's pretty sick.
Well how sick?
Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with
a... terminal disease.
...but... the doctors are gonna make
him better, right?
Mom? That's what hospitals are for.
They, they can make him better.
They don't think so, Stanley. Your...
your friend is terminally ill, and that
means.. Well son,... th that means he's
going to be going to heaven soon.
Wait. Kenny's going to die?
...He might, Kyle.
...But... he's our... fu... fufu friend.
We know, and that's why he's going to
need you boys to be strong for him,
m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.
No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die!
Kenny can't die!!
[Cartman's hosue, day. He's upstairs in his room placing cold
Come on, Jack, you gotta be able to
offer me more than that. ...Yes, I realize
there's a ban on stem-cell research,
but I've got thirty-some-odd human fetuses
in my backyard! I'm sure there's other
research your company can do with them.
...You'll take one? Okay, how much for
one? ...Aw, Jack, you're breaking my
balls here, Jack.
[later. There are now thirty-one]
Yes, hello, is this Captain Bly's Seafood Restaurant? ...Yeah,
hi, I've got a shipment of about thrity-one of the most succulent
shrimp from the West Indies. ...These are killer shrimp, Gary,
your customers are gonna love 'em. ...What kind of price you
payin' for shrimp? ...Oh, Gary, you're breakin' my balls, Gary.
How about ten and a quarter? ...Balls, Gary. Breakin' 'em. ...Alright,
I'll call you back. [hangs up and sighs deeply]
Sweetie, your friends are downstairs.
They need to see you.
Not now, Mom, I've only unloaded three
feti; I've gotta sell the rest before
They say it's an emergency.
Buh, alright. eh Butters?
Are you through databasing the clientele
Eh just about.
Alright, well, you gotta take over
the telemarketing for a bit.
Oh. Well, uhokay.
Just remember what I taught you and
follow protocol. Next number to try
is on the list.
Right. Uh hello? Is this Mr. Thompson
with Anatomy Research? ...Yes, uh, hello
sir. Uh, aah, we have a surplus of unborn
fetuses that we think you can use for
a ...dissection study. Uh huh, ah, how
much do you pay for that? ...You're
breaking my balls. ...I said, you're
breaking my balls, Mr. Thompson. ...My,
[Living room, moments later. Cartman reaches the foot of the
What is this, a PTA meeting?
Cartman. Kenny's in the hospital.
In the ...hospital? Why?
They told us he has a m-muscular disease.
An and, that ...and that he, he might
Don't you say that! Kenny's not gonna
I'm going to go take the guys to go
see him at the hospital, Eric. We thought
you might wanna come.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kenny lies in a bed in a patient
room with an IV unit attached]
There we go, little buddy.
(Thank you, Doc.)
You sure you don't wanna take your jacket
off; it's pretty warm.
(I'm all right)
Hey, look who has some visitors.
Hmm, what a lucky little man. We'll
be right outside if you need us, Kenny.
Hey dude, how's it going?
(I'm okay, I guess.)
We got you a present: it's a Gobo fighter.
Heh, don't, don't tell him what it is,
Hey, uhwe were all just talkin' about
how when you get better, we're all gonna
go down to Stark's Pond again and go
camping. Huh, Stan?
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day, outside. Stan rushes out the front
door, Kyle pursuing]
Stan? Stan, where are you going?
I can't, I just can't.
Dude, he needs us right now.
I can't see him like that, Kyle. All
those hoses and wires. He's a kid, dude.
He's s'posed to be running around and
I, I know it's tough but- Look at me!
I know it's tough, okay?! I know! But
we have to be tough right now!
And what are we supposed to do, huh?!
Stand in that room and keep making small
talk?! Make believe like everything's
okay?! I CAN'T DO IT!
Look, however hard you think it for
you, it's a lot harder for him!
Just leave me alone!
Stan, you can't leave!
I'm not the one who's leaving, he is!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. Cartman was left alone
with Kenny as Kyle went after Stan]
...You know, it's funny, Kenny. Stan
and Kyle have always sort of two best
friends, you know, and... well I I don't
know if I ever told you this, Kenny,
but um... I kind of always thought you
were my best f-friend. I don't know.
(Eric, well you're my best friend, too.)
Okay, we're gonna need to get Kenny
some time to sleep now.
Dont you worry, Kenny. I I'm gonna find
a cure for you. Everything's gonna be
[Hospital corridor, Hell's Pass Hospital. Cartman appears outside
the door with a long face, chokes up, and faces the wall to cry]
Oh, Kyle. Hey, what's goin' down, Jew-boy?
Cartman, were you... crying?
No! No, I mean, I, I got somethin'
in my eyes. It's this uh, the air in
here is just uh. Oh man.
Hey Cartman. I care a lot about him,
I'm gonna find a cure, Kyle. I swear
to God I'm gonna find a cure
Sure you will, Cartman. Sure you will.
[Alder Research Group, next day. Inside, employees are packing
away their computers and other office equipment]
This is where the bulk of our research
was being done. But due to the government
ban, we're mostly just packing things
Doctor, can you tell me exactly how
stem cells work?
Look, you have trillions of cells in
your body: heart cells, skin cells,
brain cells, and so on. But before a
cell is designated as a toenail cell
or a pancreas cell, it's what we call
a stem cell. Sort of like a black cell.
Do you understand?
Not at all, but go on.
Because these cells are blanks, they
will often program themselves based
on what cells you put around them. You
see this rat? Earlier this year, we
surgically removed the middle of her
spine. then we injected her with some
stem cells and... they became the mising
part of the spine.
Nerve cells damaged by Parkinson's disease
or heart tissue of cardiac patients
might ultimately be replaced by tissue
grown from stem cells.
So then, could stem cells be used on
someone whose muscle tissue is wasting
away? Ihin other words, if a little
boy was dying from a muscular disease,
the stem cells could become new muscle
That's the theory.
Well, so then, if the stem cells are
placed nest to s Shakey's Pizza, they
would become another Shakey's Pizza!
And you'd have your own Shakey's Pizza
where you didn't have to charge yourself
Well, no. To build another Shake's it
would be better to use lumber.
But, unfortunately, the government has
banned stem cell research and so...
we'll never know.
Looks like someone is gonna have to
try and change the government's mind.
Where are you going?
There's a pretty brave kid fighting
for his life in the hospital right now,
doctor. I'm gonna get him some bigger
Hey kid. Give 'em hell. Give 'em hell.
Oh, doctor. Thanks. Thanks.
Oh, hey kid. Good luck. Good luck.
Oh, and doctor. ...Ah, never mind.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. The McCormicks, Kyle,
and Chef are present. Kyle has with him a bunch of get-well cards
from the other students in his class. The bed is seen from an
...And see? Here's one from Butters.
It says, "We can't wait to see you back
in school, Kenny." And it has a picture
of him and you in a little airplane!
Oh, isn't that nice? You've got lots
of friends, don't you Kenny?
(Yes.) (But what about Stan?)
Stan? Oh. Well, no, there's nothing
here from Stan, but, well, Stan's gonna
come and see you real soon, I bet, Kenny.
(I hope so)
Hey, look who's here.
Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones, and
this is Bob Ferrin.
We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Oh, Kenny, isn't that nice?
(The Make-A-Wish Foundation?)
We travel the country given special
little boys and girls like you their
Neat, huh Kenny?
So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish,
what would it be?
What's your wish, pal?
(I guess the only thing I wish is to
What did he say?
He said his wish is not to die.
...O-kay, and, what if you're gonna
have two wishes, what would the second
I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna,
(No. Fuckin' Madonna...)
Wu what was that?
He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore
who wore out her welcome years ago,
and that now she suddenly speaks with
a British accent and she thinks she
can play guitar and she should go fuck
Should I come in now?
Uh no not quite yet.
[The cow pasture, day. Stan has come here to reflect on Kenny's
hospitalization. He sits on a log resting his head on his hands
and watches as a cow drops a load of dung next to the log. He
strikes a match and toses it on the dung. The dung lights up
Hello there, children.
How's it goin'?
Yeah. Things have been better.
Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why?
Kenny's my fr-f-f-friend. Why can't
God take someone else's f-f-friend?
Stan, sometimes God takes those closest
to us, because it makes him feel better
about himself. He is a very vengeful
God, Stan. He's all pissed off about
something we did thousands of years
ago. He just can't get over it, so he
doesn't care who he takes.Children,
puppies, it don't matter to him, so
long as it makes us sad. Do you understand.
But then, why does God give us anything
to start with?
Well, look at it this way: if you want
to make a baby cry, first you give it
a lollipop. Then you take it away. If
you never give it a lollipop to begin
with, then it would have nothin' to
cry about. That's like God, who gives
us life and love and help just so that
he can tear it all away and make us
cry, so he can drink the sweet milk
of our tears. You see, it's our tears,
Stan, that give God his great power.
I thnk I understand.
[Capitol Hill, Washington DC]
My name is Eric Cartman and I live in
Colorado. My best friend in the whole
world is Kenny McCormick and he, he's
sick right now. He's real sick. He's
only eight years old and his doctors
don't think he has very long to live.
Look, I realize that using the tissue
from aborted fetuses for research is
a touchy subject, but... All I know
is that if there's a chance, a... chance
that stem-cell research could save my
best friend's life, well... I guess
I owe it to him to try and change your
minds. I love Kenny McCormick and...
I want you to love him too. And I
uh, I'm not the best speaker in the
world. Maybe I can put it best in the
words of a timeless song
It was the heat of the moment telling me what your heart meant
The heat of the moment shone in your eyes
I never meant to be so bad to you
One thing I said that I would never do
One look from you and I would fall from
And that would wipe the smile right
from my face.
A FEW CONGRESSMEN
And incidents arose from circumstance?
One thing led to another; we were young
And we would scream together songs unsung
It was the heat of the moment
Telling me what our hearts meant
The heat of the moment
shone in your eyes [Cartman raises his voice to the G above middle
[Planned Parenthood, day. Cartman, in shirt and tie, is outside
with clipboard in hand, talking to a woman about to have an abortion.]
And so you see, now that the ban on
stem-cell research has been lifted,
we can sell your fetus to compnaies
like Alder Labs.
Oh, I don't know.
Look, I can offer you seventy-five dollars
for that fetus right now, Jill.
Seventy-five dollars? Well, alright.
Great, just sign right here, please.
Hi. Havin' an abortion today? Great.
Listen, if you'd like to sell your
abortion for research I'm offering uh,
seventy-five dollars. Help you out a
little bit with your medical bill in
there. And you sign right here. Uh
excuse me, ma'am. Can I interest you
in selling your aborted fetus?
We're not going to the abortion clinic.
I'm going to have this baby.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, because
uh, there's a little boy dying in a
hospital right now who sure could use
that baby more than you could. The stem
cells from your fetus could help save
Oh. Well, I guess we can always... just
make another one.
Oh Mark, I love you.
Alright! Now Kenny has a fighting chance.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan enters with a package, his faith
renewed, his confidence strong, and makes his way down the hall,
passing people as he goes]
Young man, do you know where you're
Yeah. I'm gonna see my friend, because
he needs me right now.
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
MAN ON CRUTCHES
Good for you!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, Kenny's room. Stan enters happily]
Hey, Kenny! Oh no. No.
He just... He just... stopped breathing.
And it was over.
But... I didn't get to see him. Hell
I, I didn't get to sssay good-bye.
Did he say anything before he went?
He just said... "Where's Stan?"
[First Church of South Park,some days later, day. The camera
looks up at some lights, then pans down as it back up to focus
on the altar]
And so, we will all miss Kenny, his
playful laughter, his innocent smile.
But we will never forget that it was
because of brave Kenny that stem-cell
research was allowed to continue.
I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend.
You guys! Come quick!
It's... Why, it's a miracle, you guys!
[Outside, day. Cartman stops, but still bounces from joy. Stan
and Kyle join him]
What, Cartman? What's happened?
Look. I put the stem cells from all
the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's,
and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's!
This whole time, you were just using
Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem
cell research so you could sell your
Stupid fetuses? It's my own Shakey's!
I actually hugged you. I held you in
my arms and, and, cried with you.
I think I only need a hundred or so
more aborted babies, and I can finish
up the kitchen.
Aah! Kyle! Kyle!
Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend!