[South Park, day. Now showing at the South Park Community Theatre]
[Fanfare begins with a drumroll, a spotlight hits its mark on
stage and an announcer speaks]
Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for
JIMMY! Thank you! Wow. What a terrific
audience. I know what most of you are
thinking. "Hey, uh-that guy stole my
show..." Wow, what a great audience.
And how about this Michael Jackson guy,
huh? I mean, come on... Wow, what a
great audience. Uh... l... lights,
Butters, w-where is everybody?
Oh yeah, well, about that... Christopher
Reeve came to town to do some kind of
show, and everyone went to see him.
Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?!
You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy
who played Superman.
I know who he is! But why is everyone
ditching my comedy show to see him?!
Ww-well, because he got crippled, but
now he can move his finger. He is an
inspiration to us all. That's why everyone
ditched on your show.
So then, how come you came?
Well, because I said I would. Oh, I'm
a dork, huh?
[South Park Town Sq... Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square.
Mayor McDaniels is on stage with her aides. Above them a banner
reads "STEM CELL RESEARCH." A crowd of people has formed in front
of the stage]
And so without further ado, here's the
most courageous, most amazing man on
the planet, Christopher Reeve.
Thank you, thank you, wow, what a great
audience. I just flew into South Park.
Used to be I didn't need an airplane.
As most of you know, I am a strong
supporter of stem-cell research.
Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for goin'
to my ...c-comedy show!
We didn't go to your comedy show.
I know that, I was being f-f-f-fa...cetious!
Look, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude.
Ooh, Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin-do!
Dude, that's not cool. You shouldn't
make fun of Christopher Reeve.
Yeah dude, not cool.
Though it is controversial, stem cell
research is critical in the quest for
helping the disabled.
I put together a comedy show and I was
crippled from BIRTH!
Uh, hoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay
out of this one.
Yeah, this is starting to look like
something we shouldn't be any part of.
Let's go play with trucks or something.
Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy?
Why is a celebrity who became crippled
more important than us that were born
that way, very much.
In the coming days I will prove to
the world that stem-cell research is
[The bus stop, day. The boys are on the snow playing with their
Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep.
Hey there fellas.
Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.
Say, would you guys like to join our
club? Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. You
To be in our club, not only do you have
to be c-c-crippled, but you have to
have been born that way. Do you know
what that means? No butthole Superman
asswipe Christopher Reeve!
That's nice, guys. We're just gonna
stay out of this one.
Hey, wait a minute! You guys can't
just start a club and tell me I can't
be in it!
Sorry, able-bodied, you can't join.
Hey Timmy. How many able-bodied people
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. You know what you call an able-bodied
guy on the doorstep? Whatever his name
Cartman, just stay out of it.
But they say I can't be in their club!!
Cartman, trust me. We don't want any
part in this one.
["The T-shirt Factory", later. Timmy and Jimmy walk up to it
Hello, Mr. McGillicuuhuhuhh... Mr. McGillicuddy.
Hello, boys. What can I do for you?
Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt design
for our new club. We just came up with
a name this morning.
Uh... boys, I don't think you wanna
wear these shirts
Well, because there already is a group
that calls themselves the Crips, and
I don't think they'd like it too much.
...There's already a Crips?!
Well, sure, they're all over at Five
Points area in Denver. You've never
heard of them?
No, we never have. Are they crippled
from birth or are they cripple wannabes
like Christopher Reeve?
...Oh, I am stayin' out of this one.
["The T-shirt Factory", outside. The doors open and Jimmy and
Can you believe it, Timmy? All this
time there was a group for truly crippled
people like ourselves, and we didn't
Come on. We have to take the bus to
Five Points in Denver.
[The Larry King Show on HNN, on air.]
My guest tonight is the brilliant star
of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher
Reeve, who,. with the help of stem-cell
research, is now able to move his arms.
Thanks for having me on again, Larry.
All right. Chris, the whole world is
waiting. Why don't you show us what
stem-cell research has done for you.
Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks?
Now, Chris, there're some people who
say stem-cell research is wrong, that
takling cells from a fetus is... unethical.
Well, it just proves that the public
needs to be educated about stem-cell
research. See, the stem cells from a
fetus like this one can form into whatever
cells of the body are damaged. They
are the most powerful thing on the planet.
And how does someone like yourself make
use of the stem cells, Chris?
Well, it's very simple. And now you
can see, my arms have better movement.
[Five Points, Denver. A bum pushes a cart full of his belongings
past Denver Meat Packing, a rundown warehouse. Sirens, gunshots,
and a woman's screams are heard.]
Excuse me, sir. we're looking for a
group of people called the Crips.
Do you know where they meet? We've already
tried the rec center and the library.
The Crips hang out at that old warehouse
down there, but ...nobody goes in there.
Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves.
Come on, Tim-Tim.
[Denver Meat Packing, inside. The music is thumping, there's
gambling and general conversation going on. Jimmy and Timmy walks
Well hello everyone. I'm Jim Swanson,
and this is my friend Timmy.
Timmmih! Tih... ti-timmih.
Well, let us tell you a little bit
about ourselves. Timmy and I are both
true Crips, born and raised. We're the
only Crips in South Park, where we live,
and we would love to join your fa-fa-fabtasitc
Is they for real, manh?
We just have one question before we
join your c-club. Do you think it's
better to be born a Crip, or to become
a Crip later by accident?
The only Crips is born Crips, dawg.
Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident,
I agree. I mean, it's like "come on"!
Why do these people who become crippled
later in life think they're such great
Well, we're glad you see it our way,
fellas. So can we join your g... group?
All right, you wanna thug with the Five
Point Crips? Bitches, all you gotta
do is pop some punk-ass Bloods.
Well, sure. Tim and I would love to
pop some punk-ass Bloods. We're terrific
I don't know, Timmy, just play along.
So you sayin' yuh down?
Down like a clown, Charlie Br... Down
like a clown, Charlie B-broooowww...
Down like a clown, Charlie Browh...
Bro-uh-own. Down like a clown, Charlie
Say Timmy, did you notice that all the
crippled people in that club are negros?
That's an amm-mmazing coincidence. I
mean, there's not one crippled colored
person in South Park.
Hey you kids.
Well hello, officers.
What the hell do you think you're doin'?
We're goin' to pop some punk-ass Bloods.
Look, Timmy. There's a convenience
store. That must be what the fellas
meant by "pop some punk-ass Bloods."
They want us to get them some soda pop
and treats. Let's buy them ginger ale
and marshmallows. Then they'll let us
in the club for sure.
Suh, suh, suh, suh, Sssunday driver!
[back at Denver Meat Packing, night. Jimmy and Timmy are back
at the warehouse]
Yo yo, listen up y'all! Let me tell
you about my little Gs, Roller and 4
Legs here. They just smoked thirteen
Bloods in one night!
You're kiddin'? You're kiddin'? One
That ain't never been done before!
And they got us marshmallows and ginger
Uh huh. Cool. He's right.
So does that mean we can join the c-c...club?
You're not just in, you're the baddest
mofo Crips in town! Cipac! Turn up
the beat so we can celebrate our new
Gs Five-Points style!
Wow, these guys really are crippled.
Timmy, I have a feeling that this is
the start of something b-b-b-b...b-b-brilliant.
[Jimmy's home. A car drives up and drops off Timmy and Jimmy.
The occupants are Crips]
Thanks for the ride home, fellas. We
sure had a ...terrific time.
Alrighty. Keep it real though, dawg.
You dawgs keep it real, too.
Well, that sure was a terrific time.
Let's go all around tomorrow and show
everyone our new outfits, Timmy.
[Jimmy's house, inside. His parents sit before the TV, his mom
There you are, Jimmy!
Whatup, Mazie? Ye-yo, Pops?
Jimmy, you rmother was gettin' worried
No need to worry about me. I'm cool
like a fool in a swimming ppp-ppp-pp-pp-pool.
[Outside, somewhere, day. A reporter begings speaking to the
Tom, I'm standing out front of the Stem
Cell Research Facility with terrific
news. Christopher Reeve, who was once
paralyzed, claims that he can now stand.
Thank you everyone. To most people,
this is just an ordinary fetus. But
to people like me, it's hope.
[Reeve tosses the carcass away, then he drops his feet to the
floor, then he slowly rises from his wheelchair and raises his
arms in victory. The crowd oooos and ahhhs]
What an inspiration.
Tom, many celebrities have spoken out
in protest of stem-cell research, but,
after seeing this, how can they protest
Stay clear, guys, stay clear.
Yup. I'm not seeing anything.
[City Wok, day. Mr. Kim is wiping the counter down. Timmy and
Jimmy enter dressed in their Crip outfits.]
Hey Hey, I don't want no trouber!
Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung
...Pao Chicken, please.
I don't want no trouble! You jus...
take what you want and reave!
OH! Okay, okay! I opening register
What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade,
Here. Here one hundred twelve dorrar!
It's all I have. Yeh take!
You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar!
Ah- are you sure?
I no want no trouble. Just take it and
Well gee, that's really nice of you,
Mr. ...Chinese person. Look Tim-Tim,
we got a cash prize. We must be the
...one hundredth customer or something.
Here! Here two order of Kung Pao Chicken,
and small ice tea!
Actually, it was a regular lemonade.
AAAAAGH-agh!! I sorry! I sorry! I
no want no trouble. Here. Remonade.
Now go, just go!
Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time.
Hello! Police? I've just been robbed
by two gang members!
[Jimmy's house, later. His parents are standing by the kitchen's
breakfast nook sipping coffee. A door opens in the living room,
Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the
Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops?
Uh have a seat, Jim. Your mother and
I need to talk to you. Son, your mother
and I have noticed a change in your
behavior. And... we're worried that
you might be involved in a gang.
A what? Oh, you mean the fellas. Well
sure. But I can't talk about the club
on account of it's sssuper secret, dawg.
Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true!
Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean come
on. I'm finally a part of something,
Jimmy, those people you're hanging out
with are no good.
Yo, don't be dissing my niggaz, dawg.
They're my f... friends.
And what about your standup comedy,
Jim, huh? Are you just giving up on
Nobody cared about my standup comedy!
All that hard work just to be outshined
by C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole!
Uh Jimmy, we've told you before. God
made you the way he did for a reason!
Right. Because you and Mom used to make
fun of crippled kids in high school.
That's right. You were sent here through
the vengeful and angry hand of God to
teach your mother and I a lesson. And
that's a big responsibility, son.
Look! My gang, which I can't talk about
because it's super secret, is the most
important thing to me now! And if you
two don't like it, you can just pass
the blunt to the nigga on your left.
[A darkened lab. Christopher Reeve is pacing back and forth,
having a headache.]
Where's that delivery of new fetuses?!
Feeling weak again.
Here's the new shipment, sir. Hey!
Hello there, Christopher.
Well, well, Gene Hackman, my nemesis
from the movies. How are you?
I'm good. You?
I am better with each passing day.
Stronger and more agile.
Christopher, I've come to ask you to
stop what you're doing?
Using stem cells is like playing God.
You should leave nature alone.
And go back to the way I was? Is that
what you're saying, Hackman?
I'm saying that sometimes you need to
just live with the cards you're dealt,
Stop calling me Christopher! That name
no longer has meaning to me! Christopher
was someone who lived in a wheelchair!
Always being pushed around by others!
The old Christopher Reeve is dead! From
now on, I am... Chris!
[Jimmy's house, night, living room. He sits on the floor between
the couch and the coffee table working on a jigsaw puzzle]
Sixty-five... bottles of... beer on
the wall. Six-
Payback time, mothafucka!
Jesus Christ! Holy G...guacamole!
Freakin' Frijoles! Leapin' L-langosta.
East Side Bloods!
We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson
from the Special Gang unit in Denver.
Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's
Word on the street is it was a retaliation
hit by the Bloods.
You know, smart-mouth! Your rival gang!
The Bloods are at war with the Crips,
they kill each other all the time!
Don't act like you don't know, you lil
punk! The Crips and Bloods hate each
other, and if you stay in that gang,
you're gonna end up dead too.
But... but why do they hate each other?
Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself,
but I'm not anymore!
Oh, so you used ssstemm cells like Christopher
Come on. The only way these kids are
gonna get out of their gang is get killed.
Oh boy, Timmy, we should have never
started a gang for people crippled from
birth. Now they're at war with the people
who are crippled from an accident. Boy
were we wrong.
Wow, w-we've got to do something, Timmy.
We've gotta get the Crips and Bloods
to sstop fighting. I bet if we could
just get them together... but how? Wu-wait
a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at
the rec center! We did it for our church
once. All we do is rent out the rec
center overnight. They lock the doors
so nobody can leave, and then everyone
has the whole night to play in the swimming
pool and laugh and talk.
You get all the Crips you can to the
rec center tomorrow night, Timmy. And
I'll try to get all the ...Bloods there.
This is gonna be t-terrific!
[South Park, next day, in from ot Tom's Rhinoplasty]
Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher
Reeve had a horrible accident and was
paralyzed. The irony, of course, is
that the man who played Superman could
no longer walk. America watched in wonder
as he managed to move one of his fingers,
then his arms. And now, seen for the
first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve
is going to lift a truck up over his
Oh, what a fighter.
That brave, brave man.
He's an imspration to us all.
Tom, the irony is even more irony-y
as it appears that the stem cells have
given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman
Chris, that's enough!
Hello, Gene! So good to see you!
You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop
using stem cells.
Stem-cell research has made me stronger
than I ever thought possible! Why stop
Uh Tom, apparently, Gene Hackman, the
man who played Superman's enemy Lex
Luthor in the movies, has now shown
up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell
research. If that isn't ironic, Tom,
I don't knw what is.
They're affecting your mind, Chris.
If you won't stop using stem cells,
then we'll stop you!
Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!! You won't
stop me, Hack Man! Ha HA! Ha HA! Ha
haa haa! Ya ha ha! Yaa haha!
Tom, if irony were made of strawberries,
we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies
[Denver Recreation Center, night. Gang members file through the
doors. Jimmy and Timmy greet everyone at the door. Timmy is disgusied
as Groucho Marx, Jimmy wears a ten-gallon hat.]
Come on in, everybody. Lots of su-surprises
and t-treats inside. Great to see you
all. What a terrific audience.
Are you sure you got everything you
need, young man?
We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Apple...b-by.
Just remember to make sure the kids
play safe in the pool area.
I'll be back at seven to let you out.
You kids have a good time.
Oh, we will.
[Denver Recreation Center, inside. A group of Bloods enter the
gym and stop in their tracks. At the other end of the gym is
a group of Crips, seated on some bleachers behind a basketball
hoop. The Crips stand in reply]
Oh shit! It's a trap!
Muthafucka Crips tryin' to smoke us
What the hell is goin' on here?
It's called a lock-in at the rec center.
We can use all the rec center facilities.
We can play basketball, go swimming,
or even just kick it in the lounge area
with some games and ...p-puzzles.
But nobody can leave until it's seven
a.m., so if you wanna have a good time,
you're all just gonna have to learn
to get along. Theeerrre's pizzaaa.
[Nighttime, near the city. The reporter stands next to a man-made
Tom, over five years ago, doctors told
Christopher Reeve that he would never
walk again, but the resilient actor
fought back, struggled against all odds,
and has now built his very own Legion
of Doom! The once immobile Mr. Reeve's
new organization will be commited to
world domination and evil. What an inspirational
[Legion of Doom Headquarters, inside. Christopher Reeve is standing
before a group of villains, both real and imagined.]
I have chosen each member of this elite
group of supervillains for their outstanding
treachery, Their desire for world conquest,
and their hatred of all things good!
And I've assembled this group for one
purpose! To once and for all find a
way to... get rid of Hack Man!!
Uhhh, how about domination of the world?
Yeah. Or uh, death to the infidels?
Silence! OUR job is to see to it that
Hack Man is put out of commission.
Oh boy, General Disarray, muh maybe
we just oughtta stay outta this one.
Not so fast, Chris!
We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell
research. Your fetus-sucking days are
And now we're goingn to put you somewhere
where you can never touch another fetus
[Denver Recreation Center, inside. The Bloods and Crips challenge
You stupid mofos are dead!
Make the first shot, punk!
Hold it! Don't you see? It doesn't matter
if we were crippled from birth, or crippled
in an accident. We're all brothers.
Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers!
Look: we hve the whole rec room to ourselves.
Can't we all just try having some fun
You talkin' crazy, dawg.
Yeah, we ain't playin', sucka!
Why don't we at least give it a chance?
I mean, Come on!
Wait a minute. What did you say?
I said, "I mean, Come on!"
You know, maybe he's right. I mean,
I guess we could at least give havin'
fun together a try. It's like Come
Yeah. Come on.
Yeah, that's right. Come on.
Yeah, that's right. Come on.
I've gotta give you two dawgs props
for puttin' an end to all this hate.
I told you, lock-ins at the rec center
always work. And you know, I've learned
something, too. I was player-hatin'
Christopher Butthole Reeve because he
got more attention than me. But just
like... y-you guys, I need to learn
to control my a... anger.
Hey little Roller, try some of this
I guess we all learned that trying to
get along is way better than p... player
hatin'. The gang wrote a song about
it. Why don't we listen in?
It used to be that Crips and Bloods
didn't get along,
But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song.
Naaa na naaa, Crips and Bloods. Naaa na naaa, hope and love.
Naaa na naaa, friendly thugs.
[Outer space. Christopher Reeve is flung into space in a pane
You haven't seen the last of me, Hack
Man! I will be back!!
[The woods near South Park, night. Stan and friends watch the
Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of