"PROPER CONDOM USE"
[South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on
a hill — Jennifer Lopez doll with car, and some damage from the
firecracker last time.]
"So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez!"
"No, no, please! This time I swear
I won't make albums or movies."
"That's what you said last time , but
obviously we must now resort to more
"Oh God it burns! It bur-huhurns!"
"Scream for me, bitch!"
Ey you guys! You guys! Come 'ere, you
guys, come check this out!
Oh no, what now?
No, you guys, this is really cool. Come
[Kenny's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle approach the house.
Kenny's on the front lawn with a dog, and the other boys join
What's this all about, Kenny?
(Wait until you see what I can do to
Watch this. It's sooo funny. Come 'ere,
dog, come on. Good dog. Red rocket
red rocket. Red rocket. Red rocket.
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk.
No they don't!
(Yeah they do!)
Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth
graders showed us how to do it. Red
rocket. Come on, dog, red rocket! Ohooohhh
I told you guys.
I had no idea dogs made milk; do it
Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once
every few hours. It doesn't work if
you beat off the dog again right away.
You "beat off?"
That's what it's called when you milk
a dog: beating it off. Don't you guys
Wow, you learned all this from the fifth
Yeah, I guess they thought we were cool,
so they showed us how to do it-hey come
here, dog. Dog, come here!
[Stan's house, night. Sharon is holding court in the living room,
in a circle of chairs. She and Randy have eight guests over for
I was really happy with this month's
book. I agree with what Bob and Linda
Mom! Dad! You gotta see this!
Not now, Stanley. This is Mommy and
Daddy's book club night, remember?
But it's super-cool!
Later, sweetie. Anyway, I found myself
enticed by Steinbeck's imagery.
Uh the first chapter alone was filled
Oh, wasn't it? I mean, the first sentence:
"Cannery Row in Monterey in California-"
"-is a poem, a stink, a grating noise..."
It's amazing how with three images
he puts you right there, and...
Red rocket, red rocket!
Stanley, what the hell are you doing?!
I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket,
STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT
My room? Why?
Go, Stanley! Ahaha, ahem. Heheh, he,
he gets very good grades.
[Stan's house, later. His parents have entered his room, quite
upset at his behavior earlier. Stan rests his head on his hands.]
Stanley, do you know why you're being
grounded for ten months?
Beating off the dog is not appropriate
when we have company! Ah I mean, ever!
Beating off the dog is not appropriate
Why?! What's the big deal?!
Stanley, don't you understand what you
I was doing "red rocket" to make the
dog's milk come out.
No, Stan! What you were doing to the
dog was-ss sexual.
You were stimulating the dog, Stanley!
What came out of him was his... r-Randy?!
Well, you know, when you do that to
a m-male... the... eh eh you make his...
stuff come out. Well, Jesus, haven't
they taught you these things at school?!
Sexual education. Haven't you learned
Oh. Look, well, you see, Stanley,...
Well, your school should be teaching
Yeah! Let's get that damned school on
[South Park PTA meeting, night. The parents are there, clamoring
and arguing. ]
Okay, parents. I know a lot of you want
a chance to speak, but we have to talk
one at a time.
Look, our kids are learning sexual
things on the street and on television.
There's no way we can stop it. The schools
have to teach them sexual education
at a younger age.
School policy has been to teach sexual
education later. In the fifth grade.
It isn't soon enough.
Yeah. Why, just this afternoon our son
was caught beatin' off our dog.
Look, parents. Do you really want your
children learning about sex? Part of
the fun of being a kid is being naive!
Let them be kids for a while.
Naive at what cost, Chef? Parents, we
have to face facts: Children in America
are having sex at younger and younger
ages. STDs are affecting younger and
younger kids all the time. The only
way we can combat that is by educating
children before they have sex.
The first thing that kids learn about
sex shouldn't be some bitch-scare tactic
No, she's right! With all the teen
pregnancies that are out today, I think
my boy does need to know about sexual
education. From the school.
Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah, we have to.
[South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Garde B" is shown on a classroom
door. Sixteen boys are present.]
Okay, boys, this is the first day of
sexual education, m'kay? Now, I know
that some of you think this is very
funny. Words like "penis" and "vagina."
Nuh now STOP that, m'kay! We're goin'
tuh get through this by being mature
and grown up, m'kay. Now, this is the
male anatomy, m'kay. Here we see the
testes and the scrotum. STOP that,
m'kay! The next person that laughs is
gonna get a referral! M'kay. Now, in
order to have intercourse, the man takes
his penis, and he... hmmm... uhh...
let's see: the the man takes his penis,
and he... hm.
Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse,
Well, sure I have! It's just... I was
about 19 at the time, so it's been about
21 years... m'kay. Let's see, uh...
I'm pretty sure I took th-yeah I took
the penis, and I bu- uh what the hell
did I do with that damned thing??
[South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Garde" is shown on a classroom
door — this is Ms. Choksondik's room. Twelve girls are present.]
Alright girls, even though this may
be stuff you don't want to hear, you
need to hear it.
Oh, we wanna hear it, Ms. Choksondik.
Yeah, we think it's gonna be fun!
Fun! It's going to be fun! Well let's
start with our first lesson, then, shall
we? SEXUALLY TRANSMITTTED DISEASES!!
That's right, because unless you get
boys to wear condoms you can and will
get a sexually transmitted disease from
them! How fun is that, hmmm?! Is that
I didn't mean that-
Today over 20,000 Americans will contract
a sexual disease! TODAY! Twelve thousand
more tomorrow! And the reason is that
you girls wake up in the morning and
say, "It's not going to happen to me."
You say, "Oh, Ms. Choksondik, that happens
to girls in Detroit, in Brooklyn, but
not here in Colorado." WRONG! Gonorrhea,
herpes, clamydia, HPV, HIV, syphillis,
hepatitis B, hepatitis C, the list goes
on and on! These are serious diseases!
They have serious consequences! You
think that sex is about fun and games
and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease!
Here's a little picture of herpes.
And here's a little syphillis for you!
That's right, girls. Here's what happens
when you don't get boys to use condoms!
[The school kitchen, lunch.]
Hello there, children.
How is sexual education class going?
It's dumb. Mr. Mackey doesn't teach
Yeah, I don't think Ol' Mackey knows
a hymen from a hysterectomy. And Choksondik?
I'd be surprised if she's ever gotten
laid in her life.
Yeah... Chef, what's "laid"?
...Oh, nothin'. Now, move along, children,
you're holdin' up the line.
[The school cafeteria, moments later. The boys exit the kitchen.
Behind them are Tweek, Butters, Kevin and Timmy.]
Hey! Maybe we should ask the girls what
they learned in sex ed.
Yeah. Hey Wendy, did you guys get-
What the hell is wrong with them?
You guys, we just wanna know if you-
Stay away from me, Stan!
Are you wearing a condom?
Do any of you have your condoms on?
Don't you know that without wearing
a condom you could get a disease?
Yuh huh! If you don't wear a condom,
you're gonna get AIDS.
Oh, jeez. Ah I don't wanna get the AIDS,
Is that what you learned in sex ed?
Mr. Mackey didn't say nothin' about
Dude, Mr. Mackey didn't know anything
You guys have to wear condoms. Now,
please, just, just go away. We don't
want your AIDS.
But Wendy, we don't understand how
Oh my God, dude.
Uh what are we gonna do, huh?
Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick.
Can I help you boys?
Yeah, we need condoms!
How old are you boys?
Why does that matter?
Ha-I'll be nine next week.
Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
Well why not? You want us to get AIDS?
I just don't think kids your age should
Mark, we have to be willing to supply
condoms to anyone who requests them.
But... they're... children!
Would you rather them do it unprotected?
Yeah, you want us unprotected, asshole?!
I just think that all this sex ed and
condom talk in elementary school is
Kids are going to do what they do, and
it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
Well, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
I don't think we have any that'll even
Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators
for kids. 'Lil Mini's. They're specially
designed for kids under 10, and they're
only five ninety five for a box of fifty.
Fifty?? Uh, can't we just use the same
one every day?
No, you have to change it.
Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons
of these things.
[Ms. Choksondik's house, night. Mr. Mackey has come by for a
visit. Books sit on two tables and the floor]
Uh thanks so much for letting me come
over, Ms. Choksondik.
Oh, it's no problem, Mr. Mackey. It's
probably best we come up with a lesson
plan together anyway.
Yeah I've already gone over most of
the basics, you know, uh with the boys,
but I uh... eh just wanted to see what
else you were teaching the girls, in
case I... "missed" anything.
Well we should make sure our students
are good and scared of the consequences.
We have to teach them that diseases
are possible even with just oral sex.
Right! Oral sex, which of course would
Using your mouth on the penis or vagina.
Penis or vagina, right. Oral sex, m'kay.
It's just too bad these girls are having
sex so young.
Yeah, why d-uh, did you?
Did I what?
Well uh, how long did you wait before
you had... uh... doobers.
Well, if you must know, I'm still somewhat
of a virgin. But I'm not ashamed of
it! I wasn't sought after much in high
school or college. I was made fun of
most of my life for having such large
glasses. The only boyfriend I ever
had was this attractive popular boy
named Steven Garrett. I liked him very
much, but I... found out that he was
dating me because he lost a bet on the
Superbowl. The loser had to go out with
me for three days.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
People can be very cruel. Anyway, I
know it's hard to understand.
Ah actually I understand perfectly.
I... I wasn't exactly the captain of
the football team, either, huh huh,
hehehuh, anyhow And then as I got
older my... my head just sorta seemed
to get bigger while the rest of my body
stayed the same. That's how I got my
nickname in college.
"That guy with the really big head."
Anyway, I... I sort of lost any confidence
and fourd it possible to ever ask a
woman out, mm, hm mm.
Wow, I've... never met a man who is...
as sexually unappealing as me.
Neither have I.
Well, I'm quite happy without sex.
I mehean, with all the diseases and
problems out there, who needs it, right?
Uh not me! Huhuh, okay.
Well, back to the lesson plan, then.
Okay. "Oral Sex"
[Bus stop, day. The boys are gathered there waiting...]
Doesn't it give any other directions?
Nope. It looks like you're just supposed
to roll it over your weiner. "If used
properly, latex condoms are effective
against pregnancy, AIDS and other studzes"
Uh, what are "studzes"
How the heck should I know? Why, it's
just a little doughnut. Hoh- it's all
Just put it on, Butters.
Ha-a how come I gotta go first?
Butters, will you stop ff-fili-bustering?
Ma-a-a-a-a-a alright, man. O-o-o-o-h,
It says you gotta check it for holes
I don't even understand how this thing...
ooh, wait. Oh, I see.
Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!
I wasn't looking as his schlong, I was
seeing how to put the condom on!
But it won't stay on. I I need a rubber
band or somethin'.
Ah I got rubber bands.
Ow! Huhuh, ow! Okay, eh. Ow! There.
Okay, I think it's on.
How do you feel?
Do you feel protected?
Yeah, there ain't nothin' that's gettin'
in my weiner through this thing? A-and
it's even got a little reservoir at
the end so you can... pee in it.
Alright, here, everybody. Tweek, give
everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's
gotta help Timmy put his condom on.
[South Park Elementary, day. Principal Victoria has called the
teachers together in her office. Chef is there as well.]
Teachers, I have some bad news. Last
night I received a phone call from the
local pharmacist. Apparently, almost
all of our fourth graders are sexually
active. And now that we've scared them
a little they're buying condoms to use.
I knew it! Well, at least we scared
them enough to protect themselves. But
now maybe you'll believe me when I say
that we need to be teaching even younger
than fourth grade.
But how old do you think a student should
be when they learn about proper condom
We've got to get to the students before
they start having... sex. Nu-not after.
Aw, now this is getting ridiculous!
I have to agree with Ms. Choksondik.
It's our responsibility to make sure
our kids are safe if they're gonna screw
I guess we have no choice.
[Kindergarten, next day.]
Okay, children, who can tell me what
a condom is? Yes, Jenny?
It flies around and it's endangered.
That's a con-dor, Jenny. Con-dor. Con-doms
are what we use to stop the spread of
STDs. Yes, Filmore?
Can we do fingerpaint?
NO, we can't do fingerpaint! You kids
wanna get herpes?! Huh?! How about a
nice bucket of AIDS?! Sound good?! Now
pay attention, alright? I'm going to
show you the proper way to put on a
condom. First of all you remove the
condom from its package. Then you find
which way the condom rolls out. Put
it in your mouth... And apply. And
it's as simple as that. Any questions?
[Ms. Choksondik's classroom, same time.]
Alright girls. Yesterday we went over
the myriad of diseases you can get from
boys, but today we're going to talk
about the most horrible they can give
you of all. PREGNANCY! That's right,
since you girls have decided to be sexually
active, teen pregnancy is at an all-time
high! You seem to think it's gonna be
fun and neat to have a baby-well, let's
watch a little video, shall we?!
Snacky S'mores presents: The Miracle
of Child Birth. The time is drawing
close for delivery. Here we can see
the water breaking.
Later, the contractions are happening
closer together. Mom sure is in a lot
of pain. Now we can see the crown of
the baby's head, stretching the vaginal
walls in ways never before thought possible
by Mom. Finally, the miracle happens,
and the baby is born. but Mom's not
She still got some afterbirth to push
out of her.
Girls! Girls! Where are you going?!
[Mr. Mackey's class, later. Some of the boys, including Stan
and Kyle, have their hands over their crotches.]
Man, this condom's driving me crazy.
Yeah. I've changed mine three times
already 'cuase it itches so much.
Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom
Alright, boys, I now have all the information
I need to teach you the female anatomy,
hm'kay. M'kay, this part here is the
vaginal opening. This is where the
man puts his- Eric, what the hell are
I'm putting on a new condom. I filled
the other one up.
Why are you wearing a condom?
So I don't get AIDS.
Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting
around, you have to get it from sex.
You mean, intercourse with a girl?
Yes! Now will you all pay attention,
please?! The vagina and the clitoris
are on the outside, and they are in
fact very easily visible to the naked
All this time... It's the girls that
give us diseases!
I knew it! Girls lie! They lie right
to your face!
Now here we can see the interior female
anatomy. Things like the uterus and
the ovaries are on the inside
Well that does it! If us boys are going
to live, we have to get rid of the girls!
Yeah, come on guys, this is war!
Yeah! That's right! Come on!
And here we see the tender, magical
uterus. Here we see the enticing, voluptuous
Fallopian tubes, m'kay.
[Mr. Garrison's room, later]
Okay, children, now I wanna review the
different sexual positions. Who can
tell me which sexual positions we talked
Missionary position, good. A little
boring, but tried and true. What else?
That's right. Doggie style we went
Uh huh, pile driver position. Good,
The Filthy Sanchez?
Yes, good Flora, you remembered the
Yes,you can give your partner the ol'
Hot Karl, sure.
[A barren field near the school, day. An army of boys comes in
from a distance in makeshift military vehicles. Butters is wearing
a hockey mask. Clyde comes up and stops them.]
There, you see? The girls have built
some kind of stronghold to keep us out.
Stay away from us, bastards! We don't
wanna get pregnant!
Yeah! Just take your diseases and go
Ha! They're your diseases!
Yeah! You get out of town!
Here, talk to them, Butters.
Uh, me?? Huh, what the heck am I supposed
Just tell them that if they leave town
peacefully, we won't have to resort
Just walk away. You can put a stop
to all this. Just walk away and we will
spare your lives. Just walk away.
Man, he's pretty good.
We'll never walk away. Never!
That does it! Attack!
[Ms. Choksondik's house, at that moment. They have books open]
M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan
tomorrow is s'posed to involve the secretion
of bodily fluids, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik I've already gone through that with the girls.
[closes her book and sets it down] It's pretty simple. Do you
Why, sure. Hey uh I think I can...
get through that stuff pretty quick,
mm... Uh, maybe we should come up with
another lesson plan.
Ms. Choksondik [hands Mr. Mackey his drink] Something about how
nerve endings play an important part in intercourse. [sits down]
Uh, right, right, uh, like in the ...nipples.
Ms. Choksondik Or the... shaft... of the penis? [they look away
from each other]
It... says here that the uh, head of
the penis is actually the... most sensitive...
Ms. Choksondik Why, yes. The nerve endings are the most concentrated
at- the- tip of the penis. Like they are in the... [looks at
him. They draw close to each other] clitoris of the woman.
And these... are the two areas most
Ms. Choksondik Sexual stimulation. [they kiss quick, then kiss
full and long. Some love music comes up. She pulls back] Oh,
is this wrong?
I don't know. It doesn't feel wrong.
I've been thinking about you a lot,
Ms. Choksondik Yeah? What do you do when you think about me?
I go crazy.
Ms. Choksondik Do you touch yourself?
Ms. Choksondik [writhing] Haawww. Haawww.
Ms. Choksondik Oh my God. Oh God, yeah! Stop! Stop!
Huh, what's wrong?
Ms. Choksondik It's your turn. [goes down to work on him]
Mm, oh, oh Ms. Choksondik. Okay! Okay!
Ms. Choksondik [gets up] Do you want me?
Ms. Choksondik Tell me.
I want you. M'kay.
Ms. Choksondik Wait wait wait! Do you have a condom?
Ms. Choksondik [looks into his eyes and then] Oh well, fuck it
[they go down, and the consummation begins] Oh God, give it to
me! [his ass rises for the first time]
Oh yeah. Woh.
Ms. Choksondik Woh. [his ass appears again] Ooh, that's it baby!
Aw, this feels so good, m'kay.
[The empty field. later. The battle is joined. Kids run around
seeking positions from which to shoot. Seven boys come up to
the stronghold gate. A girl fires a Gatling gun at them from
the left side, and they scatter, dropping their weapons]
[The Marsh house. Randy and Sharon are reading papers when the
house moves about as if an earthquake had just rolled by. Sharon
drops her paper]
What the hell was that?
[Ms. Choksondik's house. Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik rise from
their activity and look out the window]
Did you feel something?
[Chef's house. The front door opens and he walks out. He's shocked
at what he sees.]
[South Park Elementary. The four remaining staff members, Principal
Victoria, Mr Garrison, Mr. Adler, and Ms. Chosie, walk out and
see the wreckage. Principal Victoria puts her hand over her mouth
in dumbfounded shock]
Ew, Butters? You're in big trouble now.
[The empty field. later. All the parents have come by to make
sure their kids are okay. The wreckage still burns]
Well,I don't know what got into you
kids. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
We just didn't want the girls giving
I'm afraid this is all my fault. I...
think I went a little overboard scaring
the girls. I forgot to tell them that
to get diseases from boys you... have
to thave sex with them first.
Well, I hate to say it, but you all
got what you deserved.
Look: Schools are teaching condom use
to younger and younger students each
say! But sex isn't something that should
be taught in textbooks and diagrams.
Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs
to be taught by family. I know it can
be hard, parents, but if you leave it
up to the schools to teach sex to kids,
you don't know who they're learning
it from. It could be from someone who
doesn't know, someone who has a bad
opinion of it, or even a complete pervert.
Wha? Why did you pan to me just now?
What the hell is that s'posed to mean?
He's right. I never knew how special
and personal sex was un... until just
This whole mess started because we couldn't
talk to our boy ourselves.
It's easier to just leave it up to the
school, but it's...just not a school
Then it's decided: no more condom classes
in grade school.
But Chef, when is the right age for
us to start having sex?
It's very simple, children. The right
time to start having sex is... 17.
So you mean 17 as long as you're in
Nope, just 17.
But, what if you're not ready at 17?
Seventeen! You're ready.
Well, I guess we got a while to wait
before we have to worry about sex and
diseases, huh, Wendy?
Yeah. Thank God.
Well, I guess now that that's out of
the way, we can get on with our lives.
Come here, boy! That's it. Red rocket,
red rocket. Come on, now. Come on, red
rocket, dog. Red rocket now.
Okay children, so what other sexual
positions have we talked about? Yeah,
the wrap-around butt grab. Sure, can't
forget that. Uh huh, reverse cowgirl.
Good, Kevin. Hot Lunch, sure, she likes
that. Donkey Punch, uh huh. Glass-bottom
boat. Good one, yes. Fish-eye. Good,
Jenny. Chili dog. Mm-hm.
Proper Condom Use
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy