"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 408
"SOMETHING YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR FINGER"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A large city at night. Klieg lights pierce through the air as
a large crowd gathers in front of a large building.]
Announcer Tonight, Stellar Productions presents the boy band
of the decade! [women scream, jump, and shout. Signs sayins,
"FINGERBANG RULES" "FINGER BANG" "WE LOVE FINGER BANG" AND "FINGER
BANG 4EVER" bob throughout the audience] It's Fingerbang, live
from Madison Square Garden! [the interior is shown, with cheering
crowds. A heralding sound effect plays, and spotlights flicker
around the stage. A burst of fireworks cues the music and the
familiar silhouettes of four boys are shown on stage. A few women
faint]
FINGERBANG
Fingerbang! [they each spin towards the audience once, then stop]
Bang-bang!
Fingerbang-bang! [they spin back to their first positions]
Bangbangbang! [all step forward and do their routine]
I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life
Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright.
'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight
I'm goin' tuh fingerbang-bang you ever-y night
CARTMAN
And girl, you know that you're the only girl for me, girl.
Girl, you're the girl of my fantasies.
You're my girl, you're my girl,
WOMAN
Cartman, I want youuu!
CARTMAN
My- ...girrrrrrrl... [lifts up his shirt to show off the right breast—um,
pec. The others turn to their right while maintaining their gaze
and pointing their gun fingers at the audience. The music builds
as women scream at the sight]
FINGERBANG
Fingerbang!
Bang. Bang bang bang.
Fingerbang-bang!
Bangbangbang!
I'm gonna fingerbang-bang-
"-you into my life
Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright."]
CARTMAN
Yes! Yes! Yes, I'm a star! I'm a star!
I'm- Aaawww, I'm nobody! God-damnit!
Wait a minute. Maybe that was a sign
from God. That's it, isn't it? You want
me to start a boy band so I can make
$10 million, don't you? That's it!
[Cartman's house, day. Cartman has Stan, Kyle, and Kenny over
in the living room.]
CARTMAN
Gentlemen, thank you for coming. This
is the beginning of a great time in
our lives. God has finally spoken to
me, you guys. And he has told me how
I can make $10 million.
KYLE
...How?
CARTMAN
Boy band.
STAN
Boy band?
CARTMAN
Boy band.
KYLE
I'm not being in any faggy boy band!
CARTMAN
There's nothing faggy about $10 million,
asshole! This was a message from God!
STAN
Dude, we don't have any musical talent.
CARTMAN
That didn't stop any of the other boy
bands, dumbass! I've got prerecorded
music we can sing to, just like they
do. All we need to do is practice our
choreography over and over and over!
KENNY
(That sounds totally fuckin' stupid.)
CARTMAN
Shut up, Kenny. And then, I know I can
get us a gig at the South Park Mall.
So everybody get in a straight line,
we're gonna listen to a song from the
top, and take it-!
KYLE
Wait a minute. There's only four of
us.
CARTMAN
So?
KYLE
So, all boy bands have five members.
CARTMAN
What?
KYLE
*N Sync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids On
The Block. All had five members.
STAN
He's right.
CARTMAN
Damnit! Okay, okay okayokayokay. We'll
put off practice for now, and hold auditions
for a fifth member. Get the word out
that auditions will be tomorrow morning!
[Stan's house, night. The family is gathered for dinner, enjoying
ham and turkey]
SHARON
Did you have fun at Eric's house today,
Stanley?
STAN
Well, I guess.
SHARON
What did you do?
STAN
Well, Cartman wants to start a boy band,
so we're gonna rehearse and then try
to perform at the South Park Mall.
SHARON
Oh well, that sounds nice.
RANDY
No, it does not sound nice! Stanley,
you are gonna have no part in that boy
band!
STAN
Well but, Dad, all my friends are doing
it.
RANDY
If all your friends jumped off a cliff,
would you do that too?
STAN
Cartman says we can make $10 million.
RANDY
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE IN A BOY BAND,
STANLEY! AND THAT IS FINAL!
SHELLEY
Geez, what's up Dad's ass?
[Cartman's house, next morning, "BOY BAND AUDITIONS TODAY!!"
Music begins. Inside, Butters is singing his song in front of
the sofa]
BUTTERS
Little Bunny Foo-Foo hoppin' through the forest
[scoops up imaginary mice, makes two fists, and bops the right
one with the left]
Scoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head
[shimmies down with hands outstretched. The auditors look half-asleep]
Down came a white angel and she said
[the angel (left finger) reprimands the bunny]
"Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't wanna see you
[the piano player seems familiar. The angle bops the bunny]
Scoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head."
So now I'm gonna turn you into a worm, mbuh, mBunny Foo-Foo.
Eh, beh-POOF
[slaps his right hand with his left, and one finger goes down,
leaving a worm]
Little Wormy Foo-Foo crawlin' through the forest
Gettin scooped up by the field mice who mah-m then they bopped
'im on the head
[grins, then does a little kick forward]
CARTMAN
Eheh, thank you Butters. We'll let
you know.
BUTTERS
Ah, I can do it again.
CARTMAN
We'll let you know, Butters.
BUTTERS
Ahah-oo well, alright then.
CARTMAN
Pffft! Oh my God, his intonation was
so off!
KYLE
It was?
STAN
Dude, I don't think I could sing any
better than that.
CARTMAN
Guys, if we're gonna impress the mall
owner and get that gig, we'd better
do it better than that. Next!
STAN
Uuuh, next is Ike Broflovski.
CARTMAN
Kyle's brother??
KYLE
I pormised my mom I'd let him try.
CARTMAN
Chist's sake!
PIANO KID
What key?
IKE
G.
Itsy bitsy spider, out the water spout-
CARTMAN
Next!
IKE
Oh Danny Boy, the parson's calling
Clang, clang and clang
CARTMAN
Next audition!
IKE
E F G, H I J K L-M-N-O-P
CARTMAN
GOD-DAMNIT, NEXT!
IKE
When ah thanky you be
One on a teacher on a palm tree.
CARTMAN
Not the next song, the next PERSON!
Aw, man, this is gonna be a long-ass
day.
Cartman Oh no! Nononononono! Sorry, Wendy, this tryouts for a
BOY band! [a grinning Wendy suddenly frowns and her head hangs.]
STAN
Aw, come on, dude. Let her try.
CARTMAN
No way!
KYLE
Come on, Cartman! You haven't liked
anybody else!
CARTMAN
Okayokay, fine! WOW me!
WENDY
Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok.
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big-
Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit
And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-
Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.
Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their-
Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,
The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his
Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-
Contaminated water can really make you sick.
Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-
Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck
And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny applaud]
CARTMAN
Thanks, Wendy. Don't call us. We won't
call you either, heheh.
KYLE
Dude, what are you talkin' about? that
was awesome!
CARTMAN
Dude, she's a CHICK!
STAN
Come on, nobody's gonna notice.
CARTMAN
Nobody's gonna notice?! What about her
huge freakin' hooters, huh?!
STAN
She's the best chance we have! I say
she's in.
KYLE
Me too.
KENNY
(Me too.)
CARTMAN
Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is
it? Alright, fine! She's in until she
screws up!
WENDY
Yeah!
[Cartman's house, next morning, early. A rooster crows. Cartman
has his band in his room, and they are still drowsy. Stan is
about to fall over...]
CARTMAN
Okaaay! You guys all ready to rehearse?
STAN
Cartman, it's six in the morning. Do
we have to rehearse this early?
CARTMAN
We have to rehearse all that we can!
Now, check this out: My mom made us
costumes!
STAN
Costumes?
CARTMAN
Yeah. This one's yours, Stan. 'N this
one is Kyle's. This one will cover up
Wendy's hooters...
STAN
Hey, Cartman, how come your costume
has like, nose rings and facial hair?
CARTMAN
'Cause I'm like, you know, the tough
one. Every boy band has to have the
one member that, you know, 's tough.
KYLE
I wanna be the tough one.
CARTMAN
...Kyle, you are the sweet one. Will
you please just cooperate and not-
KYLE
I wanna be the tough one!
CARTMAN
You can't be the tough one, because
you're Jewish!
KYLE
Jews are tough!
CARTMAN
Since when?!
KYLE
Since Abraham, fatass!
CARTMAN
Alright, fine! Here! Jesus Christ,
I wonder if every boy band has to go
through this!
STAN
Hey, Cartman, what does "fingerbang"
mean, anyway?
CARTMAN
I heard it on HBO. It means, like, you
know, when you... pretend to use your
finger like a gun or something.
KENNY
(Hm hm, noho, that's not what it means.)
STAN
Kenny says that's not what it means.
CARTMAN
Okay, Kenny, what does "fingerbang"
mean, then?
KENNY
(It's when you take your finger, and
you stick it in a vagina and you stick
it again and again.)
CARTMAN
...What?! Who the hell would do that?!
Jesus Christ! Grow up Kenny, would you?!
Alright, boys, let's do it from the
top. 1, 2, 3, 4,-!
[South Park Mall, day. South Park is not so small anymore. Two
guards on the second floor relax against a glass railing]
VETERAN GUARD
Now, I know that this is your first
day on the job of mall security, rookie.
Keepin' the law in a mall is just like
any tough city, and especially because
they don't let us have guns. It can
be very dangerous.
CARTMAN
Alright, guys. Let's do it like we
rehearsed! We nned energy! We need to
be up!
VETERAN GUARD
Excuse me, just where do you think
you're goin'?
CARTMAN
We're goin' to see the mall manager.
VETERAN GUARD
Do you have the proper clearance?
STAN
Uh oh, mall cops.
VETERAN GUARD
You have to make an appointment first.
Now move along, sir.
CARTMAN
But we practiced for days. All we want
to do is show the guy what we can do,
so that maybe we'll have a chance to
perform in the plaza of the- uh. Aaaa!
Aaaa! Ooww! Ow! Oh! God-damnit!
KYLE
Jesus Christ!
CARTMAN
Oh, God, I can't see!
VETERAN GUARD
Move along, sir. Or I'll do it again.
You see, you put your life on the line
every day.
STAN
Well, I guess we can't get in to see
the mall manager.
CARTMAN
The hell we can't! I'm not lettin'
no washed-up law cops ruin my divine
quest! Come on!
[South Park Mall, later. The two guards are watching shoppers
move along. A blond man with two bags walks by.]
VETERAN GUARD
Ey! What are you doin'?
MAN
Nothin'. Just... shoppin'.
VETERAN GUARD
Move along, sir. You see, sometimes
you gotta just do that. Keeps shoppers
on their toes — try it.
ROOKIE GUARD
Ey! What are you doin'?
WOMAN
Nothing. Wwhy?
ROOKIE GUARD
Move along, ma'am.
VETERAN GUARD
That's what being a mall cop is all
about. Hyeuup.
ROOKIE GUARD
Cool.
CARTMAN
Attention mall shoppers: the next twenty
people to buy an orange smoothie will
also receive a complimetary Nissan Sentra.
Hurry up.
VETERAN GUARD
Jesus, they're gonna start a riot!
CARTMAN
Alright, guys, here we go. Hello, sir!
MANAGER
What? Hey. Who are you?
CARTMAN
We... are Fingerbang!
MANAGER
O-o-oh. What? How'd you get in here?
Hey.
CARTMAN
We would like to audition for you for
a gig in the central plaza of your fine
mall.
MANAGER
What? O-oh. You wanna play at the mall?
Like Tiffany?
CARTMAN
Sort of like Tiffany, yes. Can we audition?
MANAGER
Oh. Well, I guess. ...What?
CARTMAN
Alright! Let's do it, boys!
FINGERBANG
I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my
life
Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright.
I'm goin' tuh fingerbang-bang you ever-y night
CARTMAN
And girl you know you're cool, you're good, you're so much nicer,
girl.
You're good. You're gonna be-
MANAGER
Alright, that's enough!
CARTMAN
-you're my fantasy, you fanta-
MANAGER
Thank you.
CARTMAN
Woll. So, can we play here?
MANAGER
What?? ...No.
CARTMAN
No??
MANAGER
Who?? No!
CARTMAN
Why not?!
MANAGER
Well uh, uh, oh... Right now there's a
cheese and sausage cart in the plaza.
And I would uh, I'd hate to have to
move it off to the side for a while.
What?
CARTMAN
You don't think we're any good, do you?!
MANAGER
No. I mean, you're just not as good
as sausage and cheese.
CARTMAN
Well, come on guys. We gave it our best.
MANAGER
Wow. That was your best?
[South Park Mall, later. The five are sitting on a bench on the
first floor]
KYLE
Wow. I feel so rejected.
STAN
Yeah.
VETERAN GUARD
There you are! You're the hoodlums who
got on the intercom and started an orange
smoothie riot!
STAN
Uh oh.
VETERAN GUARD
I will now read you your mall rights!
You have the right to shop at a variety
of malls in all-
KYLE
Run for it!
VETERAN GUARD
Go get 'em, rookie!
[Stan's house, later. Shelley's eating cereal, Sharon is at the
sink. Randy enters]
RANDY
Where is Stan?
SHARON
Oh, he's over at Eric's house practicing
for his boy band.
RANDY
What?! I specifically told him not to
do that!
SHARON
Now, Randy, calm down. It's just a silly
little dream. They're not gonna actually
make it.
RANDY
And what if they do make it, Sharon?!
What if they DO make it—are YOU gonna
be the one to tell 'im?!
SHELLEY
Mom, what's up Dad's ass?
SHARON
It's a long story, Shelley. Let's just
say your father- ...has a lot up his ass
right now.
[Chef's house. Cartman arrives and rings the bell]
CHEF
Oh! Oh-ah, hello Eric.
CARTMAN
Problem, Chef. I have m-many problems.
CHEF
Wellll, if you uuhh, come back in just
a little bit, Eric, I'll see if I can
help you out.
CARTMAN
I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
Sometimes I wonder if God isn't toying
with me.
CHEF
Alright, Eric, what's the matter?
CARTMAN
Chef, God told me I was to start a boy
band and make $10 million. The problem
is, it isn't working. I mean, I feel
the music burning inside me. But I just
can't express it right, you know?
CHEF
Well, Eric, I, I think you were just
focusin' in on the wrong thing. Boy
bands aren't about music, Boy bands
are created by corporations to make
money. They're all based on the Gomlich
effect.
CARTMAN
What's the Gomlich effect.
CHEF
The law of physics that states, "If
one girl screams for something, it will
make other girls scream. And then, it
grows exponentiously until all girls
within a five-mile radius are screaming."
CARTMAN
So how do boy bands use that?
CHEF
All they do is make videos, showing
tons and tons of girls screaming for
the boy band. Once you get girls screaming,
you can't stop 'em. They're crazih!
Uh-uh, except for Lilian, of course.
CARTMAN
Thanks!
CHEF
You're welcome. Now, go away! A-and
a cucumber in the pants never hurt either!
CARTMAN
Cucumber in the pants. Got it.
CARTMAN
Alright, everybody, listen up! This
is how this first shot is gonna work:
The girls are standing here, and then
the members of the band walk by looking
cool. When you see us, you girls all
scream like, "Oh my God, it's Fingerbang.
Oh my God." Okay?
BEBE
Are we gonna get paid now, or after?
CARTMAN
I'll pay you afterwards. Promise. Okay,
Timmy, roll camera.
TIMMY
Tiimmmaaayyy!
KYLE
Dude, what's wrong with your leg?
CARTMAN
Huh? Oh, Chef says to put a cucumber
down my pants for good luck.
THE GIRLS
Aaah. Wow. Woohoo. Yay.
CARTMAN
Waitwaitwaitwait, CUT!
TIMMY
Huhaaaaah!
CARTMAN
Let's go crazier than that! I mean,
you have to act like it's freakin' Leonardo
Di Caprio!
BEBE
We wouldn't give a rat's ass if Leonardo
Di Caprio came walking past us.
THE OTHER GIRLS
Yeah.
CARTMAN
Fine! Who would you go crazy for?
THE GIRLS
...Matt Lauer.
CARTMAN
...Okay, fine! Pretend that we're Matt
Lauer.
BEBE
Oh. Okay.
CARTMAN
Roll camera!
TIMMY
Timmuh!
THE GIRLS
AAAAAAAAAH!
CARTMAN
Jesus Christ!
[South Park Elementary, playground, later. The band is still
shooting the video. Bebe and the redhead make a fuss over Cartman]
FINGERBANG
Firgerbang-bang you ever-y night
CARTMAN
Aaand CUT. Alright, our video's complete.
Through the grace of God I can now go
back to that mall manager and show him
what ve've got!
BEBE
Okay, so where's our money?
CARTMAN
Oh uh, Kyle has it.
RANDY
Stanely, what the hell are you doing?
STAN
We are making a music video.
RANDY
You get in the truck right now!
STAN
Dad, I was just a-
RANDY
GET IN THE TRUCK!
[The road, the Marsh truck. Randy drives Stan home]
STAN
Dad, I did all my chores. Why can't
I play with my friends?
RANDY
Stanley, it's just that there's better
things you could be doing on a Saturday
than singing and dancing. You could
be warching TV or, laying in bed.
STAN
Dad, I like being in a boy band. I think
it's interesting.
RANDY
Well, there's plenty of other interesting
you can do! Have you ever tried marijuana?
STAN
No.
RANDY
Well, maybe it's time.
STAN
Dad!
[South Park Mall, late morning. The guards relax on the second
floor railings. A stooped man with a clear vessel filled with
a green substance walks past them]
VETERAN GUARD
Ey! What are you doin'?
MADMAN
I've got a new strain of anthrax that
I will soon unleash upon all of North
America!
VETERAN GUARD
Move along, sir.
MADMAN
Wuh?
CARTMAN
Attention, shoppers: There are naked
people at the orange smoothie machine.
There are naked people at the orange
smoothie machine.
A RUNNING SHOPPER
Oh my God!
VETERAN GUARD
God damnit!
CARTMAN
Hello again!
MANAGER
What? Oh. It's you. I don't like you.
CARTMAN
I know you didn't love our audition.
But now we have a video.
MANAGER
Oh. What?
CARTMAN
If you would, sir, just watch this
and prepare to be wowed!
TIMMY
Timmiihh!
CARTMAN
Uh God damnit! Our camera guy kinda
sucks, but this next shot we did was
really cool.
TIMMY
Haaaah. Timmih, livin' a lie!
CARTMAN
Son of a bitch!
MANAGER
Hey. This video is dumb.
CARTMAN
You don't understand. Girls were going
crazy for it. Please. This is what God
want me to do. Ple-ease.
MANAGER
Alright alright. What? Well, I guess
I can move the sausage and cheese cart
off to one side. For a little while.
CARTMAN
Really? You will?
MANAGER
Only for twenty minutes, though.
CARTMAN
That's all we need! How about this afternoon
at 3 o'clock?
MANAGER
Oh. Okay.
CARTMAN
Yes! Thank you sir, you will not be
disappointed!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, Mrs. Cartman, I've been uh very
bad. M'kay?
LIANE
You have been bad, so you're gonna have
to drink from this glass.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, yeah, that makes me hot, m'kay?
CARTMAN
Aw, mom!
MANAGER
Wow. What?
[The Marsh house, later. Stan sits on the sofa as Randy paces
the floor back and forth]
STAN
It's not fair, Dad! Why can't I be in
a boy band?!
RANDY
Because I said so!
STAN
Dad, Cartman said we're gonna perform
at the mall at 3 o'clock. My friends
are gonna be pissed off at me.
RANDY
Let 'em be pissed off, then!
STAN
I don't understand! Just let me go do
this one thing, and I won't ever-
RANDY
NOOO!! NOOO!!
STAN
Dad? What the hell is going on?
RANDY
...I was- ...I was 18 when my high-school
men's choir performed at the grand opening
of a sporting-goods store.in Denver.
I was just one of fifteen members and
I had no idea that a record producer
was in the audience.
PRODUCER
Kid, can I talk to you?
RANDY
Uh sure.
PRODUCER
Heh, you were really great up there.
Too good for a pissant choir in a pissant
mountain town.
RANDY
Ohh, thanks.
PRODUCER
Listen: I'm putting together a rock
group. A vocal group called the Ghetto
Avenue Boys. I think you would make
a perfect member.
RANDY
What? Me? Do you like my singing that
much?
PRODUCER
Yeah, I think your mustache is perfect.
How would you like to come to New York
and start a singing career?
RANDY
Oh my God, I don't know. I mean, I still
have another year of high school, and
I-
PRODUCER
Hey, look, if you don't want it, I'll
keep looking-
RANDY
No! Wait. I mean, ah-I'll think about
it.
PRODUCER
I take it that means yes. Call me in
the morning.
RANDY
And just like that I left everything.
I dropped out of high school...
RANDY
See ya.
RANDY
...I said good-bye to my girlfriend...
RANDY
See ya.
RANDY
...And I left my family.
RANDY
See ya.
RANDY
And suddenly there I was, thrown into
a group with four other young men who
I didn't even know.
PRODUCER
Take 112!
GHETTO AVENUE BOYS
You've... got... it!
What you've got is it!
RANDY
It's obvious to me.
RANDY
The songs were terrible. But believe
it or not, the country ate them up.
The next thing I knew, we were the biggest
thing in the world.
GHETTO AVENUE BOYS
Shirl! You've... got... it!
It... is what you've got, girl!
What you've got is it!
RANDY
Now, give it to me, 'cause-
RANDY
I had everything. A huge house, and
all the women you can imagine. And
then one day, just as quick as it started...
PRODUCER
Alright, guys, let's take it from the
top.
RANDY
Hey, Mr. Allens
PRODUCER
Heh? Woh. Uh. R-randy.
RANDY
Who are they
PRODUCER
These are the Avenue Ghetto Street Boys,
my... new boy band.
RANDY
But, w-we're still selling records,
right?
PRODUCER
Look, kid, you're just getting a little...
old to be in a boy band.
RANDY
I'm 19.
PRODUCER
Get a life, Marsh! Alright, guys, let's
take it from the top.
RANDY
They said that after all the money we
had made we were in debt to the studio,
so they towed my car...
TOW TRUCK DRIVER
See ya.
RANDY
...the women all left...
WOMEN
See ya.
RANDY
...and they took back my house
RANDY
Ugh.
PRODUCER
See ya.
RANDY
The only thing I could do was come back
to Colorado, and face everyone that
I had abandoned.
WOMAN
Hey! Weren't you the guy in that stupid
boy band, the Ghetto Avenue Boys?
MAN
Sure, I remember you! You got it, baby.
You got it, baby.
RANDY
And so you see, Stanley, I... do know
what I'm talking about.
STAN
Jesus Christ. ...I never knew.
RANDY
I didn't want you to know. Because now
I'm a joke. Ever since then, I've wished
every single day that I could go back
to that moment when I was offered the
job and say, "No!" Because all the fame
and the money, the women—all it did
was build me up, so that I could be
knocked down harder than anybody in
the world. That is what being in a
boy band is all about, Stanley. It's
people smothering you and embracing
you and loving you and then ssspitting
you out and throwing you away like you
were last night's pork chops! Now we
wander the earth in disarray—us, New
Kids On The Block, the Osmonds... We're
all the same. And THAT... is why you can't
go to the mall!
STAN
...Oh-kay.
[South Park Mall, afternoon. Most of Fingerbang is on the plaza
stage, peeking out from behind a curtain with the band's name
on it. People begin to gather in front of the stage.]
KYLE
Wew. There must be at least 20 people
out there.
CARTMAN
Where the hell is Stan?!
KYLE
He'll be here. Stan wouldn't douche.
CARTMAN
I swear to God, if he ruins this dream
of mine I will HAVE HIS NUTS!
MANAGER
Hey. Uh, are you gonna do that thing
or what?
CARTMAN
Yes. Yes, sir, any second—we're just
waiting on one more member.
MANAGER
Well hurryup. I can't keep the sausage
and cheese cart off this spot much longer.
CARTMAN
Yeah. We'll start right away. We'll
have to do it without him.
KYLE
Hell no! I'm not being part of a four-member
boy band! We'll look stupid!
KENNY
(Yeah!)
CARTMAN
Oh, God-damnit!
[The Marsh house, later. Randy is sitting at the foot of his
bed, reading from an issue of Teen Heat dedicated to the band.
The camera zooms out fron the magazine cover to Randy reading]
STAN
Dad?
RANDY
Huh? Yeah?
STAN
Well,... I just wanted to tell you... that
I don't think you're a joke. I mean,
whatever you used to be, you're just
my dad. And you're the best dad I've
ever had.
RANDY
Come here, Stanley. Stan, it was wrong
of me to try and stop you from joining
a boy band without explaining why. I've
made some mistakes in my life, and now...
I have to let you make your own mistakes.
STAN
Yeah.
RANDY
You know, in a way, I think I was even
jealous of you being in a boy band.
Isn't that stupid?
STAN
Not really. Not any more stupid than
some of the other stuff you've done.
RANDY
Well, come on. I'll drive you down to
the mall.
STAN
Really??
RANDY
Yeah. I wanna see what you guys can
do. And then we'll go buy you a small
toy so that you can forget all about
this.
STAN
Alright!
[South Park Mall, afternoon. Everyone is waiting for Fingerbang
to sing]
MAN
What's happening here?
WOMAN
I don't know, uh. I guess nothng.
MAN
Hm. Well, let's just walk away then.
CARTMAN
God damnit! People are walking away!
MANAGER
Alright, kids, uh, that does it. You're
gonna have to move and make way for
the sausage and cheese cart.
CARTMAN
Just another minute.
MANAGER
Sorry! Get out!
CARTMAN
Well God, I guess you got me again,
didn't you? Hyeah, that was a good one,
God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick
bastard.
WENDY
What's that?
KYLE
It's Stan!
CARTMAN
Oh, thank you God! Oh, praise his name!
KYLE
Dude, where the hell have you been?!
CARTMAN
Sir! We're all here now! Can we go
on, please?
MANAGER
Who? Well. Okay, I guess. But hurry
up.
CARTMAN
We will! Ladies and gentlemen, we are
about to witness the next great boy
band of the countrih! Someday you will
all be among those who can say, "I saw
Fingerbang when they first performed
at some crappy little mall." And so,
without further ado, all five members
of the...
KENNY
(Uf)
STAN
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
CARTMAN
No! He can't be dead!
KYLE
Dude, he's pretty dead.
CARTMAN
No! We were so close!
MANAGER
Alright, that's it, kids! Get out!
CARTMAN
But we have to perform!
KYLE
We don't have a fifth member, Cartman!
STAN
Oh, yes we do.
[South Park Mall, later. The stage is set, the intro begins]
CARTMAN
Thank you all for your patience, and
now get ready for Fingerbang!
FINGERBANG
Fingerbang!
Bang bang. [audience members look at each other]
Fingerbang-bang!
Bangbangbang. [people begin to leave]
I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life
Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright. [Janitors wearing
face masks scrape Kenny's remains off the elevator]
'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight [the veteran
mall guard swivels his hips around happily as the rookie looks
on]
Fingerbang-bang you ever-y night!
CARTMAN
Chuh! Yes! Yes! Thank youuuu, yes!
[South Park Mall, later. Janitors continue cleaning the elevator
that crushed Kenny, the sausage and cheese cart is rolled back
on stage, and Fingerbang sits on the edge of the stage, dropping
pieces of their costumes into the pit below]
KYLE
We made two dollars.
STAN
You were great, dad.
RANDY
Yeah. I guess I still got it in me a
little.
LITTLE GIRL
Can I get your autograph?
CARTMAN
Ok- Okay okay
VETERAN GUARD
Hey, don't hassle the talent, ma'am!
LITTLE GIRL
I actually don't really know who they
are, I was just getting an autograph
and- A-a-aaa-a-aaah!
VETERAN GUARD
Move along, ma'am. Eh, that was pretty
good, kids. Maybe you can come perform
at my Elks Club sometime.
CARTMAN
Okay, yeah, maybe. God. Now it's like
everybody wants a piece of us.
KYLE
Yeah.
CARTMAN
I don't know if I can handle all this
fame. I mean, I always thought I'd wanna
become famous, but now that I am, I
don't know if I like it. I mean, I probably
can't even walk through this mall right
now without people goin', "Oh my God,
it's the Fingerbang guy! Oh my God!"
KYLE
...Yeah. That's gonna suck.
STAN
Yeah. I just wanna be a normal kid again.
Have a normal life and appreciate what
I have.
RANDY
Well, I think you boys are very smart
for your age. Come on. I'll buy you
all an orange smoothie.
STAN
I don't think they sell those anymore.
KYLE
Hey, Cartman, do you think God's getting
mad at you for not making $10 million?
CARTMAN
Aw, screw God. I'm not scared o' him.
He's a pussy. You know I'm just kiddin',
right? Heheyeah.
THE END
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