"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 208
"SUMMER SUCKS"
Written by
Nancy Pimental & Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary. Class is in session]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, I know that today is
the last day of school, and that the
last day of school involves pranks,
but this is going too far! What have
you done with Mr. Hat?! Children, I
want Mr. Hat right now! The prank is
over! You think I can't get along without
Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't
live without him. Well, I can! He's
just a puppet. I don't need him. You
see? Watch. GOD DAMMIT, WHERE THE FUCK
DID YOU PUT MR. HAT?!
KIDS
YEH-
MR. GARRISON
Oh, no, you don't! The school year
is over, but summer vacation doesn't
start for you little bastards, until
Mr. Hat is back on my desk!
KIDS
AAWWWW!
MR. GARRISON
Now, I'm goin' to turn around, and when
I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat
lying right here! Okay. Now I'm gonna
turn around now. Shit!
PIP
Where did everybody go?
[Outside. The kids bolt through the school's front door]
KIDS
Yea! Hooray!
CARTMAN
It's summer!
[the snow melts away, and a mound of it reveals a boy whose missing
person's poster was in the back of the class. He gets up, and
his parents rush up to meet him]
MOM
Oh golly, Kevin honey.
DAD
Good to see ya again, son.
[the boys don't take the bus home today. They walk past a house
where a man stretches in the warm breeze]
Man at doorway Looks like winter is right around the corner.
Better get some firewood ready. [uses a chainsaw on the tree
in front of the house. Trees all over the area are coming down]
[A park, and kids are at play already. The boys walk through
it. Fosse chases a ball. Jordan and the soiled kid stand next
to each other, but a ball hits the soiled kid and knocks him
down. Pip is farther away.]
PIP
Oh! Have a good summer, gentlemen!
STAN
Shut up, Pip!
PIP
Right-o. Uh. Enjoy some of this summer
for me, would you?
KYLE
What do ya mean?
PIP
Welluh I have to spend my summer in
summer school. Because I can't be left
alone. You see, my parents are dead.
CARTMAN
Your parents are dead? God-damn you
suck, Pip!
Stu's Fireworks
[they stop and read the sign]
STAN
Oh yeah, dude. It's summer. That means
we have to go buy fireworks.
KYLE
I saved up enough money to buy M-80's
this year.
STAN
I saw in this movie once, where this
guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
KYLE
Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's
cat.
CARTMAN
Eeyy! If you so much as touch Kitty's
ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut
sack, and blow your balls out all over
your panties!
STAN
Jesus, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Well, I'm just checking, man. Don't
mock my kitty, man.
STU'S FIREWORK SHACK
STU
Hi, fellas.
BOYS
Hi, Stu.
STU
What can I do for you?
KYLE
We wanna buy M-80's.
STAN
The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's
ass.
CARTMAN
Okay, that's it! Screw you guys, I'm
going home.
KYLE
What a baby.
STAN
So we'll have ten M-80's, please.
STU
I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?
STAN
Heard what?
STU
All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.
KYLE
What do ya mean?
STU
It was in the paper this morning
KYLE
Dude! Just 'cause some stupid North
Park kid blew his hands off, we don't
get to buy our M-80's?
STU
Right.
STAN
How can they do this to us? Doesn't
anyone believe in tradition anymore?
KYLE
Yeah. We've been playing with firecrackers
our whole lives.
[Kyle remembers their days as toddlers. All four stand in a hallway
holding lit firecrackers. Kyle tosses one up in the air and it
pops. Kenny holds on to his, to his peril. It pops, and Kenny's
head flies off his torso. The rest of the body falls over]
STAN
Oh my gosh ih killed Kenny!
KYLE
Oo bastards!
STAN
A summer without fireworks is like…
I don't know, but it's like-uh, ih,
it sucks ass.
KYLE
Yeah-uh now what are we supposd to do?
STU
I can still sell snakes.
STAN, KYLE
Hwaah.
KENNY
(Never mind)
[City Hall. The Mayor is in]
THE MAYOR
This is absurd. We need fireworks for
our Fourth of July celebration at the
lake. I don't care that some twerp
blew his hands off! We've got to have
fireworks for our picnic! Hold on, I've
got another call. Hello? No, I don't
know where Mr. Hat is. Jesus, Garrison,
I've got bigger problems! Hello, yes?
Now what am I supposed to do about our
Fourth of July show at the lake? NO,
I don't want snakes! This is an outrage!
Get me the Mayor! I know that, smartass,
I was being ironic!
BARBRADY
Oh I'm sorry Mayor, but I couldn't
find the little man in the boat.
THE MAYOR
Well, keep looking!
BARBRADY
Oh?
THE MAYOR
This is ridiculous. We can't have a
celebration without fireworks. Whoever
heard of a Fourth of July picnic with
snakes?
BARBRADY
Oh I like snakes. You light 'em and
they grow and grow.
THE MAYOR
Wait a minute, that's it! I've got it.
This year, South Park will make history
by having the largest snake in the world!
The press will love it. I'll be on the
front peh- Oooooogh.
BARBRADY
Huh, I found him.
[The bus stop. The boys just can't seem to get into summer wear]
STAN
Man, it's hot out here.
CARTMAN
What do you guys want to do? We've got
the whole summer to play.
KYLE
Dude, what are we supposed to do? We
always just play with fireworks.
STAN
I know, let's go sledding!
KYLE
Yeah!
[The top of a hill. The boys have brought their sled, and Cartman
is left to go on]
STAN
Come on, Cartman. Get on.
CARTMAN
Stan?
KYLE
Come on, dude, we're ready.
STAN
The hell are you waiting for?
CARTMAN
Huh. Don't you notice anything wrong
with this picture?
KYLE
Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled.
CARTMAN
Ahem. What ever.
STAN
What the hell's goin' on?
JIMBO
Hey there, boys!
STAN
Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
JIMBO
How come you're not blowin' things up?
It's summer.
KYLE
Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks
'cause a little boy blew off his hands.
JIMBO
What?!
STAN
Yeah, they're not even having 'em at
the lake this year.
JIMBO
Oh my God! Well, don't worry boys.
Uncle Jimbo is on the case. Buckle
your seat belt, Ned.
NED
Mmmm-where are we going?
JIMBO
Mejico, my amigo.
NED
Mmmm-why are we going to Mejico?
JIMBO
Buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid
blew off his hands doesn't mean the
rest of us have to suffer now, does
it?
NED
Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
JIMBO
Hell, everything's legal in Mejico.
It's the American way.
[The Mayor's office. Her aides are there now.]
CHARLIE
At the Dyno Might Firework Company,
we have a commitment to excellence.
Our focus is on safety while th-
THE MAYOR
Just cut to the chase and tell us about
the snake!
CHARLIE
Uh oh-kay. Let's see. Weh-. Now the
disk that we are making is approximately
5000 times bigger than the average snake.
THE MAYOR
Ooooo!
CHARLIE
We have to fly it in with three Comanche
helicopters and lower it onto the ground
at the lake.
THE MAYOR
…Comanche helicopters…
CHARLIE
Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all
set up around the perimeter of the disk,
that are all triggered to fire at the
same time.
THE MAYOR
…flamethrowers…triggered at the same
time…
CHARLIE
Once lit, the snake will- grow. And
good times will be had by all.
AIDE 1
Wonderful.
AIDE 2
Spectacular.
THE MAYOR
Well, you see? Fireworks at the lake
will not only go on, but perhaps be
the best ever. Wait a minute! We're
gonna need an orchestra to play the
Stars and Stripes!
AIDE 1
Hey! How about the elementary school
orchestra? They had a great version
of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last
concert.
THE MAYOR
Yyes! Get the school principal on the
phone! And we need somebody to dress
up like Uncle Remus!
AIDE 2
Uh, Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam?
THE MAYOR
Of course I do, you fuckin' asshole!
[On the side of a road. The boys are building a snowman, but
out of mud. A mudman]
KYLE
Dusty, the dirtball
STAN
Why does everything have to suck so
bad in summer?
KYLE
Hehey, look. It's Mr. Garrison
MR. GARRISON
Hhello, children. Hhhow is your summer
goinnngg?
STAN
Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
KYLE
Hey! Have you found Mr. Hat yet?
MR. GARRISON
Oohh oh, that old thing? Whah, I almost
forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr.
Hat.
STAN
That's good.
MR. GARRISON
Mr. Hat is just a puppet
KYLE
Yeup.
MR. GARRISON
Mr. Hat isn't real.
STAN
Right.
CARTMAN
Hey you guys. My mom signed me up for
swimming lessons at the community pool;
you wanna come?
STAN
Swimming lessons, dude? That is the
lamest thing I've ever heard!
CARTMAN
Is not!
STAN
Everyone knows that the first graders
pee in the community pool.
KYLE
Hyeah, Cartman. You're swimming around
in first-grader pee!
CARTMAN
Dah-I'm not swimming around in pee!
STAN
Whatever, dude!
CARTMAN
My mom says if I take swimming lessons,
I could be in the Olympics some day.
KYLE
Heyeah, the Fatass Olympics.
CARTMAN
I am trying to make the best out of
a bad situation! I don't need to hear
crap, from a bunch of hippie freaks
living in denial! Screw you guys! I'm
going home.
STAN
But Cartman, we're tryin' to-
CARTMAN
Hup- Screw you guys. Home.
STAN
What does he mean, living in denial?
KYLE
Dude, it's Cartman. He's just being
a dumbass like always.
STAN
There. How does that look?
KYLE
Like a- big hunk o' dirt with a carrot
sticking out of it.
STAN
Nuh, crap.
[The community pool. Kids are swimming and diving, and a lifeguard
looks over the scene]
CARTMAN
Eh eh eh eh.
INSTRUCTOR
Okay kids! Everyone in the pool! Come
on, Eric. We're gonna start now.
CARTMAN
Nuh uh.
INSTRUCTOR
Just jump in.
CARTMAN
I don't wanna.
INSTRUCTOR
It's not gonna hurt ya, hon. Just do
it.
CARTMAN
Egh. Deh. Dugh ugh egh.
INSTRUCTOR
There you go. Now, just let the first
graders swim by you and then swim towards
us.
CARTMAN
Huh? First graders? Aawwww, weak, weak.
Aaww yeyou sons of bitches!
[South Park, Stark's Pond. Bleachers are being set up for the
Fourth of July picninc, and a chili and donut stand goes up]
[The Mayor and her aides are supervising]
THE MAYOR
Where the hell is our firework! We only
have 24 hours.
AIDE 2
I'm sure it'll be here any second.
THE MAYOR
Shut up!
AIDE 2
Copy that.
CONDUCTOR
Okay, children. I'm sure we're a little
rusty. Where is Eric Cartman?
STAN
He's taking swimming lessons.
CONDUCTOR
Huhoh dear. How are we supposed to sound
good without our French horn section?
Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale
first. And… Hoh? Okay, that was pretty
good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No.
5
Mayor Oh, we're doomed. Our Fourth of July celeebration is going
to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shitheads
playing- [she sees something] Wait a minute. It's the snake!
[the snake appears over the mountain transported by the three
Comanche helicopters. Everyone stops to watch]
BARBRADY
Let's move along, people. If you've
seen one giant snake-thingy firework,
you've seen them all.
THE MAYOR
Call everybody! The show's back on!
Come on! We've only got one day to prepare!
[Mexico. Jimbo and Ned pass by a store that sells cohetes. They
stop and walk back to it]
JIMBO
Buenos dias, mi amigo. Yo soy un Americano
spectacularrrr.
PROPRIETOR
¿Qué?
JIMBO
Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrrr!
PROPRIETOR
¿Necesita usted un cohete grande?
NED
Nnnn-no moleste el gato spectacularrrr.
JIMBO
Would you look at that, Ned! That's
a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies
have enough power to blast a firehole
right through the ozone!
NED
Mmmm. They're spectacularrrr.
JIMBO
Ned. It's our job to get these to children
all over America for the Fourth of July.
We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas
morning.
NED
Hmmm-bueyno.
[A house. Mr. Garrison is in his armchair next to a phone looking
at TV. A picture of Mr. Hat is in one of his bookshelves. Riinngggg]
MR. GARRISON
Hello:
CALLER
Hello, is Mr. Hat there?
MR. GARRISON
Is this some kind of joke?!
CALLER
Huh, huh, yes.
MR. GARRISON
You go to hell! You go to hell and you
die! I'm gonna find out who you are!
CALLER
Ughuh, I don't think you can, mkay?
MR. GARRISON
God-dammit!
SHARI
So, Lamb Chop. What would you like to
do today?
LAMB CHOP
Well, I'd like to sing you a song.
SHARI
Hey, let's sing one to-gether!
Lamb Chop As long as we're together, we can do anything.
We can take on the whole darned world.
We're happy as clams, we've got plenty of pearls.
Through thick and thin, we've always been together…
[Garrison gets gets madder and madder as the song prgresses,
until he imagines himself going to her studio]
SHARI
Whoa-aaahh! Aaaahh! Aaah! No! Lamb
Chop! No!
LAMB CHOP
Shari! Help mee! It burns! It burns!
[Garrison is shown smiling away on his armchair, having dreamed
out his anger]
[The community pool. The swimming instructor has five swimmers
in front of her at the deep end, and Eric stands alone at the
shallow end]
INSTRUCTOR
Eric, you have to get in the deep end
sooner or later.
CARTMAN
Later's fine.
INSTRUCTOR
Just do your side stroke.
CARTMAN
I only know how to do it doggie style.
INSTRUCTOR
That's doggie paddle, Eric! Now, come
over here!
CARTMAN
Can I do it doggie style?
INSTRUCTOR
Okay. That's it! That's it, you can
do it!
CARTMAN
Sweet! Aaww, dammit! Aw, not again!
INSTRUCTOR
Come on, Eric!
CARTMAN
No way! Sons of bitches, I'm going home!
[News 4 brief]
ANCHOR
Fourth of July is finally here, and
with the statewide ban on fireworks,
people from all over Colorado are flocking
to South Park. Here with a special report
is a normal-looking guy with a funny
name.
CREAMY GOODNESS
Thanks, Tom, it looks like the firework
ban won't be putting a damper on one
town's festivities tonight. I'm here
at Stark's Pond in South Park, where
the crowd of residents and scores of
tourists anxiously await the lighting
of the largest snake in human history.
Now, as most of you will probably remember,
snakes are these little round disks
that you light, and they spew out a
little snake of black ash. Well, the
South Park snake is over half a mile
in diameter, and twenty stories high.
I'm told that this event won't begin
until the sun goes down and night is
upon us. Well alrighty then, looks
like we're ready.
[Orchestra stage. Everyone is present and ready to play]
STAN
How are your swimming lessons going,
Cartman?
CARTMAN
Fine.
KYLE
I heard you won't even get in the deep
end!
CARTMAN
Well, you heard wrong, hippie!
[A wide view of Stark's Pond and everyone in the area around
it. Then, the mayor is on the main stage with her aides about
to address the crowd]
THE MAYOR
Ladies and Gentlemen, good citizens
of Colorado. It's my pleasure to be
the first person to wish you all a Happy
Fourth of July! Let's start with our
school band playing the Stars and Stripes!
CONDUCTOR
This is it. And a-one and a-two and
a-
PEOPLE IN THE CROWD
Oooohhh!
THE MAYOR
What the fuck is that?!
AIDE 2
I think it's the Stars and Stripes.
THE MAYOR
Oh, hell! Light the smake!
THE CROWD
Ooooo! Aaaah!
[Mexico, near the border at night. Jimbo and Ned drive by an
abandoned truck]
JIMBO
Alright, Ned. Now we're coming up to
the Amrican border. They can't know
that we have fireworks in the trunk.
Just let me do the talking. Ha ha ha
ha, I guess that goes without saying,
doesn't it?
[The border]
WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
[Jimbo and Ned drive up. The border agents attend to them]
ALTO|STOP
AGENT
Good evening, gentlemen.
JIMBO
Hello there, fellow American. We're
just anxious to get back to our homeland.
AGENT
Oh alright, I just need to ask you a
few questions.
JIMBO
Fire away, we have nothing to hide.
AGENT
Is anyone other than the two of you
traveling in this vehicle?
JIMBO
No, sir.
AGENT
Do you have any firearms or explosives
in the car?
JIMBO
Yeah. I mean, no! No.
AGENT
Open your trunk, please, sir.
JIMBO
Damn! Damn, I always get that question
wrong.
[Stark's pond. The crowds are still cheering and the band is
still playing, and the snake is still growing. Cartman looks
intently at his sheet music]
THE MAYOR
My God, it's beautiful. It never fails
to amaze me how I manage to overcome
adversity. Say uh, Charlie, when does
that thing die out?
CHARLIE
Die out?
THE MAYOR
Yes. You know, expire, end. Hello,
I'm asking you when it stops!
CHARLIE
Uuuh, Aha'm not sure, uh. I never made
one this big. I guess we didn't quite
think this through, did we?
THE MAYOR
What?!
KYLE
Dude. That thing is huge.
STAN
Yeah, they need to shut it off.
CARTMAN
Hey, you guys are screwin' up the song!
[the crowd is now alarmed as well as awed. Grumbles are heard]
MAN 1
Somebody stop it!
MAN 2
It's out of control!
[Everyone leaves in a hurry. A piece of the ashen snake breaks
off and the main pillar lies down and starts moving through the
crowd.]
A WOMAN
Nooo!
[The snake heads for the orchestra stage and all the students
jump off, except…]
KYLE
Kenny, watch out!
KENNY
(Damn!) (Oof! Hey you guys, I really,
really don't have time to tell you that-aargh…)
Stan Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
THE MAYOR
Oh my God! You tell me how much longer
this thing is gonna last!!
CHARLIE
Huh nowuh, let's see. At normal speed,
snake lasts three minutes, this is in
con- athuthuthuthuthu a normal snake-
THE MAYOR
So when does it run out?!
CHARLIE
November. Of next year.
THE MAYOR
Oh, hell!
[The rest of the crowd rushes off in all directions. Kyle picks
up a violin and starts playing a dirge. Stan returns and looks
at him, then takes up his own violin. Then come Cartman, Bill,
Fosse, and the black kid to take up their instruments. This time,
they sound pretty good]
[July 5, 6 A.M., Stark's Pond. News 4 coverage resumes]
CREAMY GOODNESS
Well, we're coming up on nine hours,
and the giant snake of South Park shows
no signs of stopping. Residents have
tried everything from firehoses to yelling
at it to make the snake stop. But nothing
seems to work.
TOM
Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising
all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe
the ashen air, and not ever light any
giant snakes in the near future.
[The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down South
Park's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path]
STAN
Man, this sucks!
KYLE
What should we do, dude? The big snake
keeps growing; it's gonna demolish the
whole state soon.
STAN
Well we should do what we always do:
ask Chef.
CARTMAN
Where is Chef?
[An island in the Caribbean]
CHEF
[slowly] Baby you know you're the girrrl, for meeee
And aallll that I want to bee-ee-ee-ee is
[faster, with a beat] You. And me. And her. Simultaneous
You. And me. And you, and you! Simultaneous
Lovin', baby. Two or three, heheh. Simultaneous
Ooo, that's right!
[rrring. He answers] Hello? What? Oh, hello, children! It's a
what? A giant snake?! Killing everybody?! Growing bigger?! Children,
you know I rarely say this, but, wellll… fudge ya. [hangs up
and resumes singing]
Simultaneous
You. And me. And you, and you! Simultaneous
Lovin', baby. Two or three, heheh.
[South Park. The smoke is heavy in the air. Stan hangs up the
phone]
KYLE
What did he say?
STAN
Dude, I think he told us to go fuck
ourselves.
CARTMAN
Wow!
KYLE
How's that gonna help?
NATIONAL
NEWS
SOUTH PARK SOUTH PARK SOUTH PARK SOUTH PARK
ANCHOR
All over America, the effects of the
giant ash snake of South Park can be
seen.
[Utah. Mormons are gathered at a river to welcome new members
into the Church. Baptism, you know]
PREACHER
Yea, let the Spirit of Heavenly Father
be blessed upon you.
ASSISTANT
From this day on, all will be well.
NEW MORMON
I already feel like things are getting
better.
ALL
Aaaaa-
[New York. Mr. Garrison's voice can be heard over some music]
MR. GARRISON
… and I can't sleep or think uh. Where
would he have gone? Why would he leave?
PSYCHIATRIST
Well um, let me ask you this: why-?
Where, where do you think… Mr. Hat…
went?
MR. GARRISON
How the fuck should I know?! If I knew
that, I wouldn't be seein' a fuckin'
psychiatrist, would I?!
PSYCHIATRIST
Well… I guess, I I see what you're saying,
you know.
MR. GARRISON
At first, I was sure 'at one of the
children took it. But then I remembered
that Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight
that morning.
PSYCHIATRIST
Um. Ahem. Are you gay?
MR. GARRISON
What?!
PSYCHIATRIST
It's it'suh it's just ag, it's just
a question.
MR. GARRISON
Are you propositioning me?!
PSYCHIATRIST
No.
MR. GARRISON
Well, I can tell you that I am 100%
NOT GAY.
PSYCHIATRIST
Well I, I believe you, uh Ibe- absolutely
believe you.
MR. GARRISON
Mr. Hat, on the other hand…
PSYCHIATRIST
Mr. Hat was gay?
MR. GARRISON
Sometimes he fantasizes about same-sex
relations.
PSYCHIATRIST
I see.
MR. GARRISON
Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he
was in a sauna with Brett Favre, and
a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
PSYCHIATRIST
That I did not need to know.
MR. GARRISON
Well, I'm just sayin…
PSYCHIATRIST
Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was
actually your gay side trying to come
out. You see, it's it's you that's gay,
but, but you're in denial. So, you act
out your gay persona, with a homosexual
puppet. What do you think about that?
MR. GARRISON
I think you're the looney one in this
room.
PSYCHIATRIST
AaaaAAaaAaaaAagh
MR. GARRISON
Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo!
[Texas prison, high security. Jimbo and Ned share a cell]
JIMBO
Well Ned, looks like we missed Fourth
of July again.
NED
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm yup.
JIMBO
Dammit. Those poor kids must've been
so disappointed to have nothin' but
them stupid wussy snakes to light.
NED
Mmm, well better luck next year ghm.
JIMBO
Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try
again.
NED
Mmmm-is anyone other than the two of
you riding in this vehicle?
JIMBO
No.
NED
Mmmm-do you have any firearms or explosives
in the car.
JIMBO
Yes? Dammit, I got it wrong again!
What's the answer again? Holy smokes!
What the hell is that?!
NED
Mmm-it looks like my ex-wife!
JIMBO
Quick, Ned. This is our chance! The
Hummer is outside!
[Green Bay, Wisconsin]
SPORTS SPA
[A sauna. Brett Favre, wearing No. 4, enters it and removes his
shirt, but keeps the towel on. Mr. Hat is already seated on the
lower bench]
BRETT FAVRE
Hi, I haven't seen you in here before.
[South Park City Hall. The coverage continues]
REPORTER
As more and more cities are affected
by the growing ash and the death toll
rises to 3000, people from all over
the country are looking to the Mayor
of South Park for answers. Heh- And
it appears as if the Mayor is going
to explain matters now.
AIDE 1
Uh, ladies and gentlmen, the Mayor regrets
that she cannot be here herself, but
she is… sick
REPORTER 2
Sick?! What kind of lame excuse is that?!
PRINT REPORTER
You gotta be kidding me!
REPORTER 3
Ooh, this is rediculous!
REPORTER 4
Come on! We want answers!
OTHER REPORTERS
Come on! Come on. Aaww. Come on.
AIDE 2
Op peh sh she's having her period.
REPORTER 4
Oh.
AIDE 1
We do, however, have an official statement
for all the concerened cities about
thee matter with thee giant snake that
we can't seem to put out.
AIDE 2
We're sorry. Our bad.
AIDE 1
Thank you, that is all.
[The community pool]
POOL CLOSED
Due to Hazardous
SNAKE FIREWORK
[Cartman is swimming all alone in the pool]
CARTMAN
Okay. No first graders around. I can
swim to the deep end. Yeh. I can do
it. I can do it. I can do, I'm gonna
make it.
[From the space shuttle, the snakes can be seen growing longer
and longer across the face of the nation]
[Stark's Pond. The disk is still producing the snake. Stan and
Kyle sit under a tree with nothing to do, and next to them a
man rests on a billboard with this message on it]
REPENT
THE END
IS
HERE
STAN
How many days left in summer?
KYLE
A lot, I think.
STAN
Dammit, I just want it to snow again!
KYLE
I don't think it matters, dude. This
giant snake is gonna kill everytone
soon.
JIMBO
Buenos gracias, boys.
STAN
Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
JIMBO
Aw, hell, why the long faces?
KYLE
We're bored.
STAN
There's nothin' to do.
JIMBO
Weelll, I don't think those are problems
that some Tijuana bottle rockets can't
solve.
STAN, KYLE
Hooray!
JIMBO
Careful with those, now. Those are dangerous.
Point them away from your eyes now.
KYLE
Wow. These are huge!
JIMBO
Aw, look at 'em, Ned. Look how much
happiness a little firepower can bring
to a child.
[The rockets are launched and they head for the snake. Upon impact,
the snake falls apart, and the base of it loses its fire. Ash
now rains down upon everyone]
KYLE
Hey, look! We blew up the snake!
CITIZEN
All the ash from the snake is putting
the flame out.
JIMBO
Hwell, how do you like that? The bottle
rockets saved the Fourth of July!
STAN, KYLE
Hooray!
[The community pool. Cartman has almost reached his goal]
CARTMAN
I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it
to the deep end. I did it! I did it!
I made it to the deep end! Hooray for
me!!
INSTRUCTOR
The snake's been destroyed. The pool's
open!
CARTMAN
Huh?
KIDS
Yay, yippee, yippee
CARTMAN
OH MY GOD, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! AW,
SONS OF BITCHES!
[Stark's Pond]
CITIZEN 2
Look, they put out the snake! Yoohoo!
OTHERS
Yay.
THE MAYOR
A yeh-a yes. Apparently, my plan too-
blow up the snake wworked perfectly.
KYLE
Hey, look! It's snowing!
JIMBO
Well, it's snowing black ash, but what
the hell.
[Clyde, Jordan, the redhead, and the black kid cheer and dance
around in the ash. The camera starts to pan around. The mountains
are now capped in ash. Stan and Kyle work on an ash man, and
Pip is singing with his family once again. His parents are not
dead. Clyde and another kid take a sled down an ash drift]
STAN
Winter's back!
MR. GARRISON
Wow, it's a black blizzard!
KYLE
Mr. Garrison! Where's Mr. Hat?
MR. GARRISON
Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a
two-timin' whore. From now on, children,
you're all gonna be learning from Mr.
Twig.
MR. TWIG
That's right, children. I'll see you
in the fall.
STAN
Well, I can hardly wait.
[All is quiet now. Chef drives up and steps out]
CHEF
Hey, children, everybody! I'm back!
I'm back from Aruba! What the-?
STAN
Hey, Chef.
CARTMAN
How's it going?
[Chef look around. A couple is clearing out ash from the main
street]
MAN
Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?
CHEF
Okay! Eeeeeehverybody get into line,
so I can whup all your asses!
[End of Summer Sucks. "Simultaneous Lovin' " plays]
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