[Denver International Airport, day. Inside the terminal people
are in long lines waiting to get their tickets or get on a plane.
Mr. Garrison waits in line to have his bags scanned.]
Jesus Christ, these lines are ridiculous!
I'm gonna miss my flight! E- Excuse
me, there are two other security checkpoints.
Why can't you open those, too?
Uh I don't know nothin'.
But you work for the- uh, God-damnit!!
Snooty Airlines announces the arrival
of flight 239 from Connecticut.
[The Broflovskis stand in front of a perfume shop]
That's your cousin's flight, Kyle. Hold
the sign up nice and high so he can
What's he look like?
He's your age and about your height.
I'm stoked my cousin is comin' to live
with us. It'll be just like having a
I todd a nurra
Oh, there he is. Over here, Kyle!
Hello, Aunt Sheila.
How was your flight?
: Oh, it was terrible. They they recycled
the air on board and it really did a
number on my asthma. I-I-e-I asked them
to turn up the oxygen and they wouldn't.
You rememer uncle Gerry.
: Hi, Uncle Gerry.
: And these are your cousin, Ike and
It's nice to meet you.
Let's get down to the baggage claim,
Oooh, that's right! We've got two Kyles
now. We'll just call you Kyle, and
you can be Kyle... Two!
[Ticket counter. Mr. Garrison's turn has come up and he approaches
Oh, I feel like I've run a marathon.
Mmmokay, the 2:30 flight to Cheyenne
has boarded. Looks like you didn't make
What? Well of course I didn't make it.
The line to check in was two hours long,
and the security line was two hours
Nnnyeah, no problem, though. We'll get
you on the 7 a.m. flight tomorrow morning.
I can't go tomorrow, the Jizzfest is
Would you like a window or an aisle
This is unbelievable! You know, I seem
to remember when the airlines said,
"We need a 15 billion dollar bailout
from the taxpayers-"!
Mmokay, and have any of your personal
items been out of your possession since
Well we gave them the 15 billion dollar
bailout and they fired their employees
anyway! So now we have three people
to clear 400 passengers!
Okay, and bags have been with you at
So where did that money go? I'll tell
you where it went: it went into the
pockets of the preseidents and CEOs
of the airlines, so they can keep their
miltimillion dollar salaries!
And here's your boarding pass for tomorrow
You think you can treat us however you
want because we HAVE to fly! Well I'll
tell you what, Sally Sassalot, I'm gonna
come up with a NEW mode of transportation!
A ahah brand new vehicle that'll put
all you bastards out of business!
YEAH! ALRIGHT! GO!
You think I can't do it?! I got a master's
degree in mechanical engineering at
Denver Community College! You watch
me!! Come on, everybody!
Can I get on that 7:30 a.m. flight?
[The Broflovski house, night. The family is seated around the
dining room table as Sheila enters with soup in hand]
Here we go, Kyle Two. And here's yours,
Oh, uh, wawawhat is this?
Mom's special stew. She makes it every
Monday and I love it.
Oh is, is this beef?
Yeah, dude, it's great!
Uha, wa, actually, I, I can't eat beef.
I have a degenerative problem with my
intestinal lining, and beef really gives
Oh, I'm so sorry, Kyle. What else can
I fix you?
Oh no, I d- I don't want to be a bother,
Nonsense. Can't I make you some nice
pasta? Or a frozen fish fillet?
We-ull, some fish would be great if
it isn't too much trouble.
I'll put it in the microwave right
[Kitchen, moments later. Sheila has gotten the fish and breaks
it apart on the kitchen counter. Kyle Two appears at the doorway]
Yes, Kyle Two?
How am I related to him again?
He's your cousin, Kyle Two. I told you
Yeah, but like... first cousin or distant
He's my sister's son. That makes him
your first cousin.
So we have the same blood?
Now Kyle Two, listen to me. Kyle is
going through a very tough time in his
life. His mother is very sick and he's
in a whole new place. He's going to
rely on you to make sure he fits in
at your school.
What?? How the hell am I supposed to
I'm sure your friends will love him.
What about Cartman, huh? He rips on
me for being Jewish! He's gonna tear
this kid apart!
Kyle Two, he's your responsibility.
Oh my God.
I'm sure you two will become great friends
with lots of late night pillow talk.
Well what do you mean? What room is
he sleeping in?
[Kyle's room, past bed time. Both Kyles are in bed, the cousin
getting used to the bed.]
What's this comforter filled with? Um,
it isn't filled with down, is it?
I don't know, dude.
Ih it sure is quiet up here in the mountains
and it's dry, too. Do you have a humidi-humidifier?
I don't think so.
Uh, can you take my stupid glasses and
put them on the night stand. Make sure
they're close by, because that fish
upset my stomach and I might need them
if I have to go to he bathroom later
[Mr. Garrison's house, night. He's working at an artist's desk
in his bedroom. On the wall are drawings of various types of
aircraft, and on the floor around him are bits and pieces of
all kinds of vehicles, including bicycle gears, airplane propellers,
car motors, a muffler. To his right is a dresser with a small
color TV on top. Mr. Hat is present on his right hand, as always.]
Now it's got to be simple. Like a moped,
but with the ability to travel at much
faster speeds. The designs of our electrical
moped were altered with a- no, nonono
this won't work either!
What was wrong with that plan?
It has to be more stable, Mr. Hat! A
moped would be too dangerous at those
speeds. Damnit! Now, what if the jet
power of an aircraft could be scaled
down into a personal vehicle?
Boy, that Enrique Iglesias can sure
gyrate his hot ass around.
...I think about you day and night.
I think about you...
Oh, Mr. Hat! Would you stop drooling
over Enrique Iglesias and... wait a
minute. What did you say?
I said Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate
his hot ass!
That's it. Gyration. A gyrascope.
It would allow for maximum balance and
yet... Mr. Hat! You're a genius! It's
so simple and yet genius!
Check out his hot bulge, too.
[Bus stop, next day. Kenny, Stan and Cartman wait at the stop.
The two Kyles walk up to them.]
What's that thing?
Cartman, I need to talk to you.
Hello, I'm Kyle's cousin Kyle.
Cartman, I'm gonna make you a deal.
That kid over there is my cousin from
the East Coast. He's having a really
hard time right now, so I'm going to
offer you forty dollars to not rip on
But you can't make fun of him AT ALL.
No smartass comments, nothin'.
And you especially can't say anythng
Aw, Jesus, why don't you just cut off
Cartman, no Jew jokes! All you have
to do is keep your mouth shut, and you've
got forty bucks! Can you do it?
I can't believe how cold it is out here.
Cold be tough. But I'll give it a shot.
It's a reall dry cold; that's the problem.
It- the cold air makes me wheeze.
Kyle, this is Cartman, my sort of...
Ot- Nice to meet you, Cartman. Yuh
you know, I saw that same jacket you're
wearing at Bosco's for 29.95. How much
was yours? Um, I juh- I was just wondering
if Bosco's is a ripoff?
Uh, it's nice to meet you, Kyle. I
can certainly tell you're a relative
of my good friend Kyle here.
What the hell was that?
[Neighborhood, day. Barbardy stops Craig's father in his car
and is writing out a ticket when the large wheel zips by them.]
Uh what the hell was that?
[Dowtown South Park. People walk about doing stuff. The giant
wheel zips by them as well, but few seem to notice.]
What the hell was that?
I dunno, it was going so fast I couldn't
see it. But I want one.
Yep, me too.
[Garrison's house, curb level. The giant wheel stops and two
legs dismount. It's Mr. Garrison, beaming with pride and confidence]
We've done it, Mr. Hat. Airline companies
be damned. We've invented a whole new
mode of transportation! Get some investors
on the phone! Well what are you waiting
[South Park Elementary, day. Class is now in session.]
And I know you'll all be very nice to
our new student. Kyle, why don't you
tell us a little about yourself?
Oh well, I I grew up in the shity, ah
ah I really don't care for it. Ah I
come from a Jewish family, which of
course you already know, because Kyle's
form the same family. I like to read,
and I have these polyps on the backs
of my hands - I don't know what they
Ohmigod, I'm not gonna make it. I'm
not gonna make it.
...Oh, and I hope one day to be an investment
I... must.. fight it! Need... forty...
Okay, why don't you go ahead and take
a seat, Kyle?
Uh where should I sit? There's no place
to sit down here.
Yes, unfortunately the school seems
to be completely out of extra desks.
So you'll just have to share with your
Eh, oh, alright.
Now let's get on with our lesson on
Ah-ah-ah-are wooden desks all that available?
I usually prefer the plastic ones because
these give me splinters.
I'm sorry, Kyle. You'll just have to
make do. Now let's get back to the
Is it cold in here? I realize we're
in the mountains, but do we have to
freeze to death?
Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In
my class you need to be able to concentrate.
Concentration is the key to succeeding
in my class.
Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration
camp. AWGH! Damnit, damnit, damnit!
[News 4 Newsbreak. An anchor soon appears with a window of Mr.
Garrsion beside him]
Kindergarten teacher Herbert Garrison
has apparently invented a new vehicle
that will give the airlines a run for
their money. Mr. Garrison is putting
the final touches on his top secret
device, which he simply calls "IT".
So what exactly is "IT"? Here with
a report is a Hispanic man with some
gravy stains on his lapel.
Thanks, Tom, I-oh... Thanks, Tom. So
far Herbert Garrison hasn't let anyone
get a look at his invention. He claims
that the vehicle is sooo genius and
revolutionary that it could cause one's
eyes to bleed if not properly prepared
to see it. But earlier today HBC News
got footage of some of the country's
top investors and richest people who
have been invited for a first look,
including: Steve Forbes , Steve Jobs
, Ted Turner , Donald Trump , Bill Gates
, and Yasmine Bleeth . Their curiosity
is piqued, Tom, and so is ours. What
is "IT"? What does "IT"do? And when
will IT be somewhere where I can buy
one? Reporting live, Jeff Arrando ,
[Playground, day. Kids are on swings, hobby elephants, slides,
etc, as the camera pans across. At the end of the pan, Kyle and
Kyle Two face each other in a clearing]
You need to learn to play some sports,
Kyle. So we're gonna start with a tough
one called, "Catch the Ball." I throw
the football to you; you throw it back
Oh, bu- but isn't the cold air making
the ball really hard? Ih-it's gonna
hurt my hands.
Alright then, hu-how do I catch it?
Ih it's a football, dude. You just-
put your arms out and catch it. Alright,
here we go.
Now throw it back to me.
But it's down in the snow.
...So dig it out.
But I'll get snow on my gloves and then
it will melt and I'll have wet hands.
...Well, then we'll dry them off!
Oh my God.
Kyle, Kyle! I just found out that
in World War II, some Jewish people
were sent to concentration camps.
Yeah! They WERE, Cartman!
Oh, and see, I didn't realize that.
But I understand now how you might've
felt what I said in the classroom was
a racial slut. But see, I had no idea.
You did, too! You are so full of crap!
No, I'm seriously! Becuase, um, I was,
I was talkin' to Craig, and Craig was
all like, "Hey, did you know that in
World War II they really HAD concentration
camps?" And I was all like, "No way!"
And this little light went on in my
head like, "Aw man, no wonder Kyle thought
what I said in the class, seemed like
it was directed at his cousin." But,
but I was literally talkin' about a
concentration camp, you know, where
you go for a week to learn and focus,
you know. Oh, mahan. What a misunderstanding,
You blew the deal, Cartman!
Goddamnit, give me another chance!
Nuh-uh, I knew you were gonna make
fun of my lame cousin, so I paid you
the forty bucks NOT to rip on him! You
ripped on him, deal's off!
Uh you did what?
Haha, serves you right, asshole.
You, you paid your friends tuh... not
make fun of me?
Look, ih it's not because anything's
wrong with you.
Wow uh, you think it takes forty dollars
to get people to like me.
Kyle, I-eh I'm sorry
Becuase I m-I mean I really think you
could have done it for about 12.50.
Well, I mean, you didn't just start
at 40, didja? You you gotta low-ball
these things so you have a place to
Uh-uh-uh oh, dude. Uh
Boy it sure is dry out here.
[Mr. Garrison's house, backyard. The invited guest sit in two
rows of chairs]
Gentlemen, imagine being able to travel
safely at incredibly fast speeds, and
not having to go to the stupid fartface
That sounds incredible, Mr. Garrison.
It IS incredible, Mr. Hat. And what
makes IT possible is IT's patented
gyroscope design. Gentlemen, I give
IT gets over 300 miles to the gallon,
and is safely capable of speeks of over
200 miles per hour.
This will change everything.
We're going to have to rethnk cities!
Now, IT is easily operated using four
flexigrip handles. Two of them are on
each side. Left side for throttle, right
side for steering. The third flexigrip
is gently inserted into the anus, to
keep the driver in place.
...there we go. Now, the final flexigrip
is directly in front of the driver so
that its small switches can be operaterd
with the mouth, as such. Put the four
together and we're ready to go.
Oh my God!
Look at it go!
But the way it works... do you think
people will go through that to travel?
Hey, it... still beats what you go through
at the airports.
Yeah, that's true.
[The Broflovski house, night. Two lights are on]
[Kyle Two's room. Stan is writing in a book as Kyle speaks]
I can't take it anymore, Stan. My cousin's
been here for two weeks and he's driving
I know, dude. Every kid in school wants
to kick his ass.
Ispent five years in this town making
a good name for Jews and this... this...
stereotype shows up and wrecks it all!
You know what my biggest fear is? That
I'll become him. That somehow his mannerisms
will start rubbing off on me, and I'll
become a stereotype. I mean, I'm a Jew
and he's making me hate Jews.
Dude, a self-hating Jew? You are becoming
Book. Later, dude.
[South Park, day. The day for IT's unveiling is here, and it's
being offered at Better Buy. Another camera focuses on the Hispanic
Tom, the day is finally here. IT has
arrived for retail sale, and people
are getting their first look at it.
: Okay, good. Just step through here
And then this is your steering and
here's your throttle.
Okay, now you're just gonna feel a little
It's alright, it's just locking you
in. You can take it. Doing great,
Kathy. How's that ride? Okay, now use
your mouth to operate the turn signals,
and you're off. Great! Who else wants
to give it a spin?
[In front of Better Buy. IT drivers move about as Randy and Stuart
look on. Craig's father rolls to a stop next to them]
Oh, man, it that the IT?
How is it?
Well, ugh. Ih ih it beats dealing with
the airline companies, that's for sure.
[Neighborhood, day. The boys have Kyle on a sled, which is tied
I don't know about this, guys. I think
sleds are dangerous.
Look, Kyle. Sledding is something all
kids out here do. You've gotta learn.
It seems like I might get splinters,
Remember: Just hold on. No matter how
long the sledding run lasts, hold on.
Hold on. I see. Oh, Jeezus, this sled
is going faaaast.
I have to watch out for my glasses.
Ow! Ow, it's so cold! Oh Jesus!
How far do you thnk it is to Connecticut?
It's a least a couple of hours.
Think he'll be alright.
Are you tired of coprporate airline
companies treating you like a worthless
sardine? Tired of ridiculous lines
and horrible security at airports?
Well, now there is an alternative to
airline travel. IT. IT has taken the
country by storm. And already two million
have been sold. Never have another
important business trip ruined by airline
incompetence. Hey ladies! How did you
get to the Grand Canyon? IT comes in
sizes for the entire family.
Here you go, Robby.
Hello, I'm John Travolta. I used to
rely on airlines to get me to set, but
once I got used to IT, I found it to
be a little less painful than dealing
with the airline companies. I just power
up the flexigrips. And I'm ready to
go. Thank you, IT.
So join the millions of Americans who
have felt a little more comfortable
with... traveling. Order yours today
and remember our slogan: IT's better
[Kyle's house, living room. Kyle Two has finished watching the
...Hm, that was pretty gay.
Kyle Two, where is Kyle?
I don't know, Mom. Last time I saw
him he was sledding.
Where on earth could he be?
You know, it's just possible he went
back to Conencticut.
Well, ah I mean, maybe he got so worried
about his mom that found a way to get
back and see her.
Don't be ridiculous, Kyle Two. He's
out playing with his new friends.
I'm just throwin' it out there as a
I'm sorry. You must've been worried
sick. I got your sled tangled up with
A, a bus. R-really?
Kyle, what happened to you??
Ah- I was just sledding, and the next
thing I knew my sled rope got tangled
with a bus, uh. I gut dragged for over
a hundred miles before the bus finally
stopped for gas. I'm sorry about your
Oh no- don't worry about it, dude.
Oh you poor thing! Come upstairs and
we'll get you out of those wet clothes.
Are you alright?
Oh, my ears feel like they're frozen
off, and I think I have a hemorrhoid
from sitting on the sled for so long.
[IT dealership, day. The IT has grown so popular it's left Better
Buy for its own sale space. The camera pans across the showroom
floor to Mr. Garrison, seated in front of an IT Moters Inc. sign.
He's got a stack of bills to his right and a computer to his
left, all on a futuristic desk]
We're in the money, Mr. Hat, We're in
the money, Mr. Hat... Oh hi, Jimbo.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I wanted to order that theft alarm
for my IT.
Oh, right, right. Take a seat.
Uh, that's okay, I'll stand.
What do you think, Mr. Marsh? All set
to put a down payment on that baby?
Well, yeah, but I have one question
about the way it works.
Well, it seems all the buttons on these
front and rear flexigrips are also found
on the side of the vehicle.
Well... so... they don't really...
So then, couldn't I just order one that
works without going in and out of my
ass and mouth?
Well, I... guess you could.
Wha- what did you- what did he say?
[Denver International Airport, day. A plane takes off. Inside
the terminal the boys and Kyle stand around]
I don't know about this guys. I think
playing hide and seek in the airport
might be dangerous.
Kyle, we told you: Kids in Colorado
all play hide and seek at the airport.
Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse
you'll see how fun it is.
Ungh, this is taking too long. The
flight to Connecticut is about to leave.
Ey! Can we speed things up here??
Daaah, sorry, but ever since that IT
thing came out the airlines have had
to cut back on employees.
Dude, we're the only ones here! How
long does it take five people through
Derr, let's see: Twelve people... plus...
times... divided... two hours domestic,
three hours international.
Can't we just play hide and seek at
Dah ha! What's this?! A toenail clipper!
See, we do these checks for a reason!
This is ridiculous! Come on!
[Tarmac, outside. The boys stop at a plane ready to take off.]
Okay, Cartman, you're it. Start counting.
1, 2, 3, 4...
Here, Kyle. You go hide in here.
In there? But it's very confined. I'll
get cramps in my legs.
JUST GET IN THE BOX!
Ub, alright then. Oh, would you look
at that? I've got a corn on my ankle.
Now where did that one come from? That's
the fourth one I've had-
I hope he doesn't suffocate.
Yeah. He'll be waaay better off back
Oh, Jesus, this bus is going fast!
Oh, I did it again!!
[IT dealership, day. Crowds mill around the dealership. Federal
agents raid the building and start hauling ITs away. Mr. Garrison
Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?
It's alright, we're with the government.
We're just shutting you down.
Shutting me down? Why?
The airlines are in desperate trouble.
Your vehicle is causing them to lose
Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry!
Ah-t put that down!
Right, so the governmentn is bailing
the airlines out again, but shutting
you down and making ITs illegal.
OH, GOD-DAMNIT! You'd better be kidding!
Sir, many people work for the airlines.
We can't let them all be fired.
THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY
BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND
THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!!
That may be truu. But if you build,
sell, or ride another IT, "it" will
be the last time. Have a nice night.
HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs!
You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons
of bitch airlines!
[The Broflovski house, night. In the living room, Sheila paces
the floor as Kyle sits on the sofa.]
Oh, it's been days! Where can he be?
I dunno, Mom. It's like he vanished
into thin air.
I'm gong to call the police again. Kyle
Two, go down to the playground and look
I already checked the playground, Ma.
I told you, he isn't really-
Kyle! You're back!
Yeah, it was the craziest thing. I hid
myself on a plane to Antarctica. Oh,
it was so dry down there.
[The Broflovski house, a few days later. Stan and Cartman approach
the door. Inside, Kyle is standing in the living room, his arms
crossed. He's clearly pissed off. The door opens, and Stan and
Cartman walk in.]
So dude, did Cartman's idea work?
No. I tried getting my cousin lost in
the woods, but a stupid bear brought
I just have to face facts that I'm gointuh
live with my crappy cousin forever.
Well, Kyle, I I gotta go.
Yeah, I've gotta get back to Connecticut.
Now that things have changed for Kyle,
his mother needs him back.
Do you promise?? I mean, oh. Thah-uh
that's too bad, dude. What, what changed
Well, I I invested in that IT thng,
and there was a bailout, so I received
a five million dollar bailout clause
check, which, which I can use to help
my family, so, I I guess, goodbye, cousin.
Okay. See ya, cousin. Hope to see ya
soon. Not too soon, I hope.
Five million dollars???
Dudedudedude! You you have five miliion
Yeah, I don't know what to do with it,
though. Well, see ya.
Wait. Kyle, this may sound crazy, but
I think you should stay!
Yeah. You see, I've learned something
today. Sometimes people have trouble
fitting in at, at school and,... and
um... Let's see, what did I learn about?
What did I learn about today?
I I, I learned that... you shouldn't
judge somebody because... that-no, wait.
Nonono, it was good! What were you going
Listen, guys, I appreaciate you wanting
me around, but, the fact of the matter
is, well, yeh, you guys are just kind
of douche bags.
I mean, yeyou people are all just such
hick jock rednecks; it's just like you
right out of a stereotyped catalog.
Ah I can't take it. See ya.
...Good job, Jew!