"THE TOOTH FAIRY'S TATS 2000"
Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Nancy Pimental
[The Cartman house. Liane is sipping her coffee on the sofa.
She lowers it as Cartman screams]
Mom! MOOOM! Mom! Seriously! Something
wonderful has happened!
What is it, snookums?
Mom, look! The tooth fairy! I put a
tooth under my pillow, and she gave
me two dollars! She's only given me
a lousy quarter before!
Oh my! She must think that you are a
very special little muffin.
Yeah! This is so tits!
Don't say "tits," Eric.
Oh, I mean, this is so cool!
Well, then, now you should take that
money and open up a savings account
that has compounded daily interest.
Heh, you can compound daily my ass with
interest, Mom; I'm goin' to the toy
store and buy me a skateboard!
But Eric, I think maybe the tooth fairy
wants you to use that money to learn
Mom, you don't know what the tooth fairy
wants me to do with this money, okay?
You're not the tooth fairy! I'll see
you later! Aw, man, this is so tits!
[The bus stop. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand around]
Hey you guys! You're not gonna believe
this! Oh my God, you guys, seriously!
Just wait until you hear this, you
guys! I'm rich! I'm totally rich! Aren't
What the hell's wrong with Cartman?!
He's fat and he's stupid?
Look what the tooth fairy left me last
For one tooth?
For one tooth.
Dude, every time I lost a tooth I only
got a quarter.
I only got a jar of gifelte fish.
Well, that doesn't matter, because I
have an idea that is totally tits.
Look, I don't know why the tooth fairy's
being so cool to me. Maybe she's hot
for me. I don't know, but if we all
chip in with teeth, then I can hide
them under my pillow and we could get
enough money to buy a Sega Dreamcast.
STAN, KYLE, KENNY
All we need is teeth.
I already lost all my baby teeth.
You still have baby teeth, Kenny?
Kenny, think about it. Don't you want
a Sega Dreamcast?
(No I don't! Thank you.)
Alright! Kenny's in, you guys! Tits!
[The school yard. Stan ties Kenny to a tetherball pole. The string
leads off to the right]
Okay, the string is tied to Kenny's
tooth. You ready over there?
Almost. You ready, Timmy?
When I say "go," you slam your electric
wheelchair into high gear. Okay, Timmy?
Right. You're Timmy.
(Why the fuck does it have to be my
I'll tell you why it has to be you,
Kenny: because your family is poor,
and therefore has bad oral hygiene,
so your teeth are gonna fall out someday,
anyway. If you think about it, you should
actually be thanking us. "Oh, thank
you, guys." You're welcome, Kenny.
Alright! Get ready, Timmy.
Heh-hey guys, uh, wu-what are you doin'?
What does it look like we're doing,
Butters? We need a tooth, so we're using
Timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of
Oh. Heh, I got a loose tooth right here.
Yyep. Oo-one of mine came out not two
Uh, Butters, could we have it?
Wwell, heck no! Uh you can't have it.
Why, I'm gonna stick it under- my pillow
and get money from the tooth fairy.
She gives me fifty cents a tooth.
Well, uh, see ya, fellas.
Dude, maybe we don't have to rip a
tooth out of Kenny's mouth.
Yeah, we just have to get Butters' tooth.
How are we gonna get it from him?
I guess we'll have to sneak into his
house after he goes to sleep tonight.
Yeah, let's go.
Go! Timmy go! Yeah, Timmy!
No, Timmy, wait!
Engh go uh Timmy!
(Hey, guys!) (Heey-ungh) (Oowww.)
Hahahahahaha. Hey, you guys, I can see
Kenny's pengling, hahahahahaha.
[A house, night. Butters is asleep in his room. A pole rises
outside with a grinning Cartman dressed as a tooth fairy dangling
Higher, you guys.
Jesus Christ, why did we pick the fat
guy to lift up in there?
Agh! Careful, you assholes! To the
left, you guys, left. No, camera left,
camera left! That's it, now down.
What the-? Who's there? Who is that?!
I am the tooth fairy, my child.
Hoh. Sorry, Miss Fairy. I didn't mean
to gaze at you. I'm back to sleep now,
Sure. Now I will leave you tidings under
Well, oh gosh, I, I didn't think you'd
be so fat.
Come on, fatass!
Do not open your eyes until morning.
Or else I will kick you in the nuts.
Square in the nuts.
Yuh, yu-yes ma'am!
[Cartman's house, later. He's being tucked in bed]
Tucky tucky time, it's the best time
of the night.
I love that song, Mom. Sing it again.
No, honey, Mommy's gotta save her throat.
I have to work tonight.
Good night. What do you have there,
Another tooth fell out today; I'm leavin'
it for the tooth fairy.
Oh, my. The tooth fairy will have to
give you a big surprise for losing two
teeth in two days.
I know, huh?
[The bus stop, next morning. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are there]
You guys! Oh my God, you guys! You're
not gonna believe it! It's beyond rational
thought, you guys! Holy crap, you guys!
Did the tooth fairy come?
Oh my God!
(Oh, my God!)
Do you what this means?
Yeah. We just gotta keep finding teeth
and putting them under your pillow.
[Dentist office, some days later. A phone rings]
Oh. Eh-hello, Dr. Roberts? It's Ms.
Oh, yes, Ms. Cartman. What can I do
Well, it's my son. He's lost a lot of
his baby teeth, and I was starting to
Well, losing baby teeth is a natural
thing, Ms. Cartman. How many has he
About a hundred and twelve.
...A hundred and twelve.
Yes. Fifteen of them in one night. Perhaps
he should switch toothpaste?
Your son wouldn't happen to be an "alligator,"
would he? No? Hm, I see. Well, I'm afraid
I can't help you right now. The American
Dental Association convention is this
week, but, as soon as I get back, I'll
look into it.
O-oh, thank you. Freebie next week.
[Cartman's room, dawn. He rises and throws his pillows off the
Tih- Tooth? What the hell? Mom!
You know, the tooth fairy forgot to
bring me money last night! Call the
Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has
something to tell you. It's just that-
well, there is no tooth fairy, Eric.
I've been putting all that money under
your pillow, and because you got so
many teeth fall out, I've actually run
out of money and can't go to the grocery
store for at least a month.
You almost had me for a second there,
Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy."
I suppose you're gonna tell me there's
no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus,
either, heh, heh... M- Mom?
I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out
sooner or later.
Yi- you're serious here. There really
is no tooth fairy?
No, honey. It's just-
How could-? How could you lie to me,
Mother? Lie right to my face?
Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a
How can I trust you? How can I trust
anyone ever again, Mother? I guess,
uh to make it through this life, I can
only trust myself. Myself and Willikins
Bear, of course.
Eric! Eric, wait!
No, Mother! No more lies!
[The Cartman house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait. Cartman exits
and walks down the street upset, ignoring his friends]
Dude, where's the money?
There is no money.
No more money??
What are you talking about, Cartman?!
We're only $167 away from gettin' a
Cartman, what's going on?!
You guys... Oh, God, I don't even know
how to tell you this.
Tell us what?!
You guys, there's... there's no tooth
fairy, you guys. There, I said it.
What do you mean, "there's no tooth
My mom has been giving me the money
all this time, and your parents are
the ones who left you money.
That can't be. My parents wouldn't lie
But now my mom has given us so much
money that she's bankrupt, and we're
poor, like Kenny. Don't touch me, Kenny.
You're wrong. If my dad says something
is real, then it's real!
Kyle, open your eyes, man!
It's not true!
[The Broflovski house. Kyle enters the living room. Gerald is
on the sofa reading the newspaper]
Oh, hello, son.
Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little
Oh my God! You did lie to me.
No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like
Peter Pan, too??
What about Moses and Abraham?
Well, they were probably real.
Probably?! Is Atlantis real??
Look, Kyle, adults make up those things
because they're fun for children.
Fun for children?! Fun for children?!
Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's
real anymore! Weaaaah!
[The town. The boys less Stan sit at a curb moping]
Man, I can't believe all our parents
lied to us about the tooth fairy.
What about Dan Rather? Do you think
No, man, that's just a TV show.
You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
What? That your parents lied to you,
Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get
our Sega Dreamcast!
Look, the tooth fairy is all made up,
All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
So all we have to do is go to a really
rich kid's house, put our tooth under
his pillow, wait for his parents to
leave him a whole buttload of money,
and then sneak back in and take it!
The kid will never even know.
Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that
is big fat Oprah tits right there!
Oh my God, what if I'm not real?
We can take the bus to the city. There's
super-rich people down there!
I mean, what if I'm just part of my
Come on, Kyle!
What if this is all just somebody's
[Cherry Creek, the wealthiest neighborhood in Colorado, night.
The bus pulls up to a curb and drops the boys off in front of
a three-story mansion]
Wow, look at the size of these houses!
Totally, dude. Cherry Creek is the richest
part of Denver. I'll bet these kids
get at least ten bucks a tooth from
the "Tooth Fairy."
Hey, that house looks perfect. There's
obviously kids living there.
There. You can tell this is the kid's
window 'cause it's got Mega Man stickers
on it. Cartman, once you're in the kid's
room, leave the tooth under the pillow,
then come back out. We'll wait for the
parents to see it and leave money, then
swing you back in the house to grab
This is the smartest business venture
Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?!
We're gonna sneak a tooth under this
rich kid's pillow, then come back and
collect the tooth fairy money that his
parents leave him.
...Hey, you can't do that!
Because that's what we're doing!
Yeah! You ripped off our idea!
What the hell are you talking about?!
We've been doing this for over two years!
Nice tooth fairy costume. You think
anybody'd believe you in that?!
It's better than your dress! You look
like a bad Jennifer Lopez nightmare!
How dare you!
Look, this is our turf! You'd better
scram before the Boss breaks your legs!
You scram! We were here first!
What's going on? Oh! It's the tooth
Oh, nice going! Now you woke him up!
You woke him up!
I don't have any loose teeth, Miss Fairies
but I have been a very good boy.
Alright, that does it! Come on, we're
going to see the Boss!
Who's the Boss?
[Loogie's Ristorante. The light above the door is the one that
My associates here tell me you were
working Cherry Creek tonight. Is that
Right on our turf, Boss! I ain't ever
seen that kind of disre- Erp.
We were there first!
Kids have been doing the tooth fairy
racket in this town for years. I do
it just like my big brother before me,
and my oldest brother before that.
Damnit! And we thought we were so original!
Let me ask you something: You were gonna
sneak a tooth under this rich kid's
pillow? Then what?
Well, uh-what do you mean?
How are the kid's parents gonna know
there was a tooth under their child's
Ha! You guys don't even know how the
tooth trade works!
What's a "tooth trade?"
Look, any shmuck can sneak through a
window wearing a pretty dress. The tooth
racket is much more involved. We keep
careful track of what houses we've hit
so that we don't hit the same one twice
in less than two months. Inside the
house we not only have to sneak a tooth
under the pillow, but leave a note for
Mom and Dad to see.
I LOST A TOOTH!
I PUT IT UNDER
This is how we let the parents know to leave money under the
pillow. [the fairies ride through the neighborhood on their bikes]
Once the note is in place in the last house, we start all over,
going back to the first house. But this time, all we have to
do is collect money. [shots of the tooth fairies cleaning up]
And the kids never know what hit 'em.
THE SOUTH PARK BOYS
The hardest part is getting teeth. We
tried various places. Cemeteries , hockey
games , anywhere we can find them
The teeth we do manage to acquire are
then sorted according to size, color,
and quality. But there's never enough
teeth. Never enough.
Man, that is tits!
And now my only problem is, what do
I do with you?
Tell you what: how would you like to
run the South Park tooth racket for
Oh. Uh-I don't know.
It's that, or else I can cut off your
Hm. Work for you, have my penis cut
off. Work for you, have my penis cut
off. Hm's see...
How much do we get if we work for you?
I'll cut you in at 2%.
Two percent, have my penis cut off.
[American Dental Association, a gleaming skyscraper, day. Then
the interior is shown, with all the dentists assembled. Dr. Roberts
Fellow dentists: As you all know, we
are still having numerous reports of
missing teeth from all over the country.
There are also reports of missing tooth
fairy money. We believe that there can
be only one logical reason for all of
this. A giant half-chicken/half-squirrel
that steals either teeth or money from
children as they sleep in order to build
some kind of giant nest for its genetically
superior and potentially dangerous offspring!
We believe also that this creature would
have at least a mild understanding of
algebra , and that it-
Uh, excuse me? I think I have a more
...Yeah. Weh well, by all means, Mr. Foley,
I think what we've got here is some
kind of black-market tooth racket. Something
where one group is stealing the money
and teeth from another group for a profit.
Oh, Mr. Foley, you realize how ridiculous
It's not ridiculous. It's very possible.
I've seen it happen before.
And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?!
Look, I know how to handle this. All
we have to do is bring down the kingpin
and the rest will fall. You'll see!
I'll have it taken care of in a matter
Uhyub-dub very well, Mr. Foley, you
go on your wild goosechase and meanwhile,
we'll deal with the real problems at
Well, I will!
Anyway, the half-chicken/half-squirrel
would most likely be about three to
four-and-a-half feet tall. His large
beak is probably detachable, and works
as a flotation device.
[South Park Elementary, day. Lunchtime in the cafeteria]
Here! Here, over here, look! Look what
I got- I got from the chef!
Hello there, children.
We all want double-desserts today!
Oh. Well, uh, I'm afraid that the school
charges extra for that.
Yeah? Well, that ain't nothin' but a
Oh my God! There has got to be at least
fifteen dollars here!
That's right. Keep the change, my man.
Well! Look at you cute little crackers!
With your money and your fancy clothes
and your cell phones, it's almost like
you were- Oh my God, children! What
have I told you about drugs?!
That there's a time and a place for
everything, and it's called "college."
That's right. And the only thing worse
than doin' drugs is dealin' drugs! I'm
gonna tell you about when I was your
age and got offered drugs.
Ooo, come on, now.
Hey, kid. You wanna try some dope?
Come on, kid. Don't you wanna get high?
Hey, man, I don't need dope. Let me
sing you a little song:
I can't wait until I grow up
and my weenie get and strong
'Cause when it does I'm gonna bust
And make love to Amanda all night long
I'm gonna make love to Amanda in about ten years!
What the hell is he talking about?
And that toothpick is gonna turn into
an oak tree,...
I'ma knock you down, knock you up,...
...knock you over, and knock you all around.
We're not dealing drugs!
Oh, uh weh-ell, children, whatever you're
doin', just remember this: havin' money
may seem fun, but... Ooh, uh-oh, never
Damn, that little Amanda was fine! I'm
gonna look her up.
[The boys return to the cafeteria with their food]
Dude, having this much money is great!
Working for Loogie rules!
Yeah, but you know, why do we need Loogie?
We know how the trade works: why don't
we do it ourselves and keep all the
We can't do that, dude. Loogie will
kick our asses.
Oh, what the hell is that little Pollack
gonna do, huh? Come on, you guys. I
say we create our own mob crime family!
Dude, this book says there could be
infinite alternate realities to every
[Loogie's restaurant, night. Loogie's talking to someone on his
cell phone at table]
They're what?! They're not gonna pay
me? Who the hell do they think they
are? I want those South Park kids dead!
I want their families dead! I want their
houses burned to the ground! Oh, hi
there, Mister. My mommy and daddy are
out front, if you need 'em.
Let's cut the crap, kid. My name is
Tom Foley. I'm with the American Dental
Sit down, Mr. Foley. Do you want some
No thanks, I just brushed. I just wanted
to let you know that I'm onto you.
I told the ADA a thousand times: I know
nothing about teeth. I'm just an 8-year-old
boy who likes climbing trees and playing
I am going to find out who the boss
is! And when I do I'm gonna bust his
ass and everyone's ass who helped hide
[Cartman's house, day, living room. He is seated behind a desk
talking to a boy]
So, you've brought me 400 lbs. of teeth
That's right, yeah . It's all top-grade
stuff, too.These Chinese kids are selling
their teeth for peanuts, see?
Well, huh, Tang Li wants 30, but, but
I can cut you a deal for 28, yeh ha,
buh. Heh, ha-buh, what do you say, huh?
Can I ask you a question, Weasel?
Awuh, hawuh, why, sure, sure.
Do you think I'm an idiot?
These are cat teeth, you sonofabitch!
You trying to sell me 400 lbs. of cat
teeth?! Get out of my sight! Lousy
little scum! What?!
This is your last chance, kid! Either
you give the boss his cut, or else we're
gonna throw your pal into the river
wearing concrete galoshes!
I ain't giving you crap! Kenny's not
afraid of you!
Oh my God, this book says that negative
and positive are the same thing; that
real and not real are one.
[The river. Boy 2 hangs up]
He's not gonna do it?!
(He's not gonna do it?!)
He's not gonna do it, boss!
Well then, throw him in.
Alright, kid. Time to die.
(No! Nono! No! Don't do this! Nononooo!)
Oh, man, how deep is the Platte River?
[News report, night]
...to which Ms. Clinton replied, "I don't
even like Vagina." Finally tonight,
a human-interest story. Dan Akawa is
Thanks, Tom. I'm here at the house
of little Billy Circlovich, um. Billy
is in desperate need of a bone-marrow
transplant or he will most certainly
die. Billy, how much more money do
you need for the transplant?
Sih, six hundred dollar-.
Louder, Billy, we can't hear ya!
Duh six hundred dohollars.
Well, that's a lot of money.How the
hell are you gonna get all that in the
short amount of time you have left?
Well, I a-I don't know.
Well, Billy, I also understand that
you lost a tooth today.
Billy, we want you to put that tooth
under your pillow tonight, because we
have a feeling that the tooth fairy
is going to leave you six hundred dollars
Yes, really. Six hundred dollars. I
might also mention that Billy lives
in Crestview Apartments, just off Arapaho
Road on Emporia Street. Back to you,
Tom. How was that?
Perfect. The trap is set.
Naw, come on. D'ya really think anyone
will fall for somethin' that stupid?
[The Cartman house. Cartman is in a hot tub, Stan and Kyle sit
Six hundred dollars, you guys! Come
on, get your stuff together! This is
gonna be tits!
Dude, this book says I don't exist
unless I think I do. But what if I don't?
Will somebody take those books away
[The Circlovich house, night. A Rotary Phone Service van sits
out front. Switch to Billy's room. Dad hides the $600 behind
his back while Mom talks to Billy]
Be sure to put your loose tooth under
your pillow, Billy.
Thank you for helping out, gentlemen.
If this sting operation works, some
bogus tooth fairies should be showing
up to take the sick kid's money. When
they touch the kid's pillow, an alarm
will sound, and that's when you hit
the button, Murphy, and activate the
lights. Everybody got it?
Duuuh, which button do I hit again,
boss? Just kidding. You know how there's
always the dumb guy in sting operations
in the movies? I was, you know I was
actin', I was actin' like him, eheh,
[The highway, night. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle walk along a path
paralleling the highway. Cartman is dressed as the tooth fairy.]
Hurry up, you guys. We've gotta get
that sick kid's tooth fairy money before
I can't deal with it, Stan. I mean,
all the stuff I've been reading; I really
don't think I exist!
Dude, just stop thinking about it.
But I can't, because, what if thinking
about it is the only thing keeping my
(You guys! You guys, over here! ...Hey!)
Sometimes I think I can see time slowing
down, and my own existence fading.
[The Circlovich house, the van.]
G'night, Mom. G'night, Dad.
Alright. Everyone, keep your eyes peeled.
I'm going to bed now, Mommy. I put my
tooth under the pillow. Do you really
think the tooth fairy will give me money
for the transplant?
I think so, Billy. I think so.
Well, I can't wait to feel healthy and
Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait
a little bit longer, Billy, 'cause that
600 bucks is mine!
Light is a wave unless it's observed?
That means all matter is just a wave.
Nothing's real! Reality in a nuh- Oh
God, it's happening!
Eh something strange is happening with
Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Did you bastards really think you could
hide from me forever? Kolovski , put
this buttwipe out of his misery.
I got it!
The tooth fairy!
Let's move out!
Give it up, kids. You're surrounded
It was a trap!
That's right. And now it's all exposed!
You're through! The only thing left
to do is to haul all you kids down to
This is reality! I am everywhere , and
What the hell?
I am nothing, and everything.
Well, I told you!
Let's get outta here!
Hunh. That was pretty weird.
Jesus! The little sick kid was a setup
all along! How could I be so stupid?!
I can't believe I fell for such an obvious
trap! What the hell is wrong with me?!
Weh-well, uh, du-don't take it too hard,
dude, uh. That's what grown-ups do.They
lie. Lie right to your face.
Oh well. Maybe it's good my empire has
Yeah. I kinda wanted to play in the
flag football team this year anyways.
So you're not gonna hurt us or nothin'?
Naah. In a way, I'm just glad the whole
thing's over with.
Yeah. But you know, I've learned something
today. You see, the basis of all reasoning
is the mind's awareness of itself. What
we think, the external objects we perceive,
are all like actors that come on and
off stage. But our conscioousness, the
stage itself, is always present to us.
[The Platte River, day. Kenny has turned to his left. As the
end credits roll, Kenny tries with great effort to make his way
to a bank. He hops a few times and lands in a hidden gully in
which he promptly drowns. A motorized chair is soon heard]