[South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's classroom. The student
stream in and take their seats]
Dude, did you do all your homework last
Yeah. But there was so much of it. I
was up until two in the morning.
Okay, children, I hope you all did your
homework last night, because we're goin'
to talk about pages 42 through 612.
First of all, who can tell me what year
the Founding Fathers got together?
Let's see, how about...
Please don't call on me. Please, Jesus,
don't let him call on me.
Good job, Wendy. And what was that document
Oh, please, God, don't let him call
on me. Father in heaven, I beg of you-
Oh, thank you Low-ord! Praise Jesus!
The Declaration of Independence?
Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me
what famous person wrote the Declaration
of Independence? Let's see. Oh, I know.
How about the new student, Timmy?
Nno, it wasn't you, Timmy. Try again.
Timmy, did you not do your homework?!
Uh, Mr. Garrison, haven't you figured
it out? Timmys' retarded.
Don't call people names, Stanley!
But he is-
—You need to work on your study skills!
Are you mocking me?! Because if you
are, I have no problem sending your
butt to the principal's office!
G'oh livin' a lie, livin' a lie, Timmawh!
THAT DOES IT!
[The principal's office. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey talk
Well, Timmy. I just don't know what
to do with you. You're getting very
poor marks in school and the teachers
are complaining that you aren't paying
Uh young man, if you don't wanna be
held back a grade, I suggest you start
Well, that does it! I'm suspending you,
Timmy, until you can learn to respect
Huh- hold on just a second there, Principal
Victoria. I think I may know what the
Yes, of course.
I think maybe Timmy is suffering from
something called, "Attention Deficit
Disorder," or ADD. It's very common
in kids his age.
Well, that certainly would explain it.
It should be easy enough to find out.
They have tests for that kind of thing
Oolih oo livn' a lie, Timmehuh!
[A clinic. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey have taken Timmy
there to see a doctor]
Alright, this is a very sinple test
which should determine without a doubt
whether or not Timmy has Attention Deficit
Egh. Now, Timmy, I'm going to read you
a book called, "The Great Gatsby," by
F. Scott Fitzgerald. At the end of the
novel I'll ask you a few questions.
Are yiou ready?
Okay, here we go. "In my younger and
more vulnerable years, my father gave
me some advice that I've been turning
over in my mind ever since" "so we
beat on, boats against the current,
borne back ceaselessly into the past."
Okay now, Timmy. Can you tell me: In
Chapter 7, what kind of car did Gatsby
Well, that settles it!
This young man definitely has Attention
Oh oh, I nuh-I knew it.
What can we do for him, doctor?
Well, ADD is fairly common in kids today.
I'm gonna prescribe some Ritalin, and
we'll see how that goes for little Timmy.
[South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Garrison's classroom]
Hurry up, children, let's take our seats.
You'd better have done your homework
last night, Timmy. What's this?
A note from the principal? "Please excuse
Timmy from all questions and all homework,
as he has been diagnosed with Attention
Deficit Disorder." Oh, brother!
He doesn't have to do homework?
That's just swell, Timmy! Looks like
you've outsmarted the principal and
Very well, I guess you're excused from
Hey wait. I think maybe I have Attention
Yeah, me too.
I've got ADD.
Yeah, I've got it. Me too. Yeah. It's
[The clinic, later. The doctor is reading "A Farewell To Arms,"
by Ernest Hemingway, to the class now]
"After a while I went out and left the
hospital, and walked back to the hotel
in the rain." Alright now, in Chapter
12, what kind of bottles did Miss Van
Campen talk about? Anybody? Anybody??
My God, these children all have ADD!
ALL THE KIDS
It's Ritalin for all of you!
Dude, we suck!
Hey, that's not the right attitude,
Jonesy! The Battle of the Bands is tomorrow
Dude, we never win the Battle of the
Bands! It's no big deal.
Not a big deal! This year's winner
gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalooblaza,
and that's no big deal?!
Hey, you guys, you'd better stop fighting.
We've just gotta practice more.
Dude, we've been practicing for eight
Hey, am I the leader of this band or
not?! Huh, let's do it from the top!
Timmuuhh! Coodalah Timmuh!
What was that?
Huh-I don't know, man. Whoaaa!
Who is that?
You a singer, man?
Rrrrr-laurlaurlah Timmehah! Timmehuh!
Dude, that's hot!
[South Park Pharmacy, day. Ms. McCormick receives her son's prescription.]
There is your prescription, Ms. McCormick.
A hundred dollars' worth of Ritalin.
Mrs. McCormick And he won't have Attention Deficit Disorder anymore?
We can only hope so. Next?
Oh, hi, Sheila.
Sharon, your son has Attention Deficit
Yes. I should have known. It all makes
semse now. I could never get Stanley
to pay attention when his grandfather
told him stories about the '30s.
I know what you mean. Kyle gets so hyper,
sometimes he runs around and screams
like a little eight-year-old.
...I am eight.
Next, please? What do we have here-
ah! The Ritalin!
That's right. I got a bad case of ADD.
No homework for me.
Mr. Pharmacist, this Ritalin doesn't
have any side effects, does it?
Oh, no no no, your son may experience
a small lack of energy, but that's all.
Oh, and he might start seeing little
pink Christina Aguilera monsters, but
that's to be expected.
[South Park Battle Of The Bands. A four-member band is onstage.
One member is on keyboards, a second is on drums, a third on
guitar, and the fourth has the mic. The first and third have
Look alive, lettin' it feel (so light).
Lettin' it feel so light.
PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE
GUY IN FLAT TOP
Alright, that was "Sisters of Mercy
Hold No Pain Against the Dark Lord,"
with their song, "Silk Blood On The
Footsteps Of My Mind (Revisited)"
We got the best response. We'll be opening
for Phil Collins for sure.
And now it's time for our final band.
GUY IN AUDIENCE
Give it up for "Timmy and the Lords
of the Underworld!"
1 2 3 4
Timmih! Timmih! Lehmeheuh! Timmih!
Duhude, that handicapped dude ruhules!
You guys are terrible! How could you
laugh at that poor kid?!
Timmih Timmiihh! Timmehuh Timmih Timmiihh!
Lords of the Underworld.
Darkness fills my heart with pain.
Timmih oo livin' a lie!
Dude, it's Timmy.
They're ridiculing that singer! Come
on, let's get outta here!
The Lords of the Underworld.
Timmih, Timmih Timmitimmi Timmiih!
Darkness fills my heart with pain.
Timmehahh! Timmeh Timmeh Sibinlah Timmih
Sibinlah Timmih. Timmuh Timmuh Timmuh.
That was awesuhome!
Yeah, Timmy ruhules!
Boys! You shouldn't laugh at him! He's
But he's funny.
How would you like to be handicapped?!
Do you think that would be funny?! You're
making him feel bad!
He looks pretty happy to me.
Oh, you people make me sick!
Dude, this is a no-brainer. This year's
Battle of the Bands winner and the band
that gets to open for Phil Collins at
We did it, dude!
Listen to them. They really love me.
Yes! I'm a rocker!
[PSB presents Charlie Rose]
Tonight, we analyze the new rock sensation,
Timmeo , the controversial new band
that has taken the country by storm.
Already playing at several large venues
this month , the band prepares for its
biggest gig, Lolapalooblaza, where they
will open for Phil Collins. But Phil
Collins is not happy.
Well, I thinks it's a horrible tragedy,
idn't it? I mean, people aren't gonna
see Timmy for his musical skills. They're
laughin' at 'im, and I think you shouldn't
laugh at people with disabilities!
Society has to learn how to be more
compassionate! This is gonna stop if
I have to stop it myself!
[Bus stop, next day. Stan and Kyle await the bus]
Dude, did you see that stuff Phil Collins
was saying about Timmy?
Yeah, what a dick. Timmy's five times
more talented than he is.
Hey guys, have you been takin' your
Huh? No, we're not actually gonna take
No, dude, you gotta try it. It makes
you feel good.
[South Park Elementary, day, kitchen]
Hello there, children.
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
How's it goin'?
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
Very well, thank you.
(Very well, thank you.)
Everything's fine?? Why??
Because we're on Ritalin.
We all have Attention Deficit Disorder.
So we all started taking Ritalin.
It really takes the edge off, man. You
should try it.
So that's why all you children are acting
so damned boring!
That's correct, Chef.
Damnit, children, you don't need drugs
to make you pay attention in school!
In my day, if we didn't pay attention
we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're
tryin' to cure everything with drugs!
Yes, but now we don't have any homework,
so we can go see Timmy play downtown
at Mile High Stadium
Oh boy oh boy.
Oh, it makes me sick! Those damned psychologists
prescribe all kinds of medicines to
you children without even carin' about
the side effects.
But there are no side effects, Chef.
No, not at all.
Did you guys see that?
[MTV News. A satellite revolves around the logo]
You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing,
that hides behind a slick image. We're
so cool that we decide what's cool.
And now, MTV News, the news that is
singlehandedly dumbing down our country.
Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt
Why am I still doing this? I've got
to be the oldest person in this network
by at least 40 years.
Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No
way, he did just say it, but just to
be cool. That's what makes him cool.
You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now,
the news that's cool.
Well, it's only two weeks until Lalapalalababa,
and the headlining band has changed.
Now headlining the event is Timmy ,
the new hit sensation out of Colorado.
This news came as a shock to the performer
that was going to headline Lalapalabala,
Well, I think the sad question is,
"Where are the parents in all this?"
I mean, that kid's parents are lettin'
him be exploited, and they don't even
seem to care.
And so, Phil Collins decided to travel
to South Park and personally pay Timmy's
parents a visit.
Well, I mean, why are you lettin' 'em
do this to your son? Don't you see that
everyone's just laughin' at him?
Phil Collins warns that a novelty band
that makes fun of the handicapped should
not be allowed to play Lalapalablalala,
and vows to do everything in his power
to stop it. Phil Collins, by the way,
divorced his wife via fax and then married
a 27-year-old. I'm Kurt Loder, and that's
[South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's class. The school
Okay, children, let's settle down!
Huhh I mean it; I want quiet! My God,
Mr. Hat, these children are so boring
on Ritalin. Huh, ah! Alright, children,
today we're gonna learn about human
reproduction. What do you think about
that?! Vaginas, and penises. Butt sex.
Well, damnit, Eric, don't you have
some smartass thing to say?!
What kind of smartass thing would I
say, Mr. Garrison?
This is driving me crazy!! I can't
handle you little bastards being so
Gee, you seem a little stressed, Mr.
Garrison. Why don't you try some Ritalin?
There you go.
[MILE HIGH STADIUM
"Tonight Only. TIMMY!!! Sold Out."]
Thank you, South Park! Good night!
Alright, let's rock this house! Hello
Excuse me, Skyler Moles?
Nice to meet you. I'm Phil Collins.
Oh, yeah. You're opening for us as Lalapalazabla.
I just wanted to tell you that, well,
I think that you're a great guitar player
and song writer.
Oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate that.
It's too bad those other guys are holdin'
Well, I mean, it's obvious all the talent
and artistic vision in the band comes
from you. Strange, how everyone focuses
n Timmy, idn't it? I mean, even the
name of the band is "Timmy,"
Nuh-nn, the name of the band is Timmy
and the Lords of the Underworld.
Look, I used to be in a band, too. Genesis.
And all those bastards did was hold
me back and hold me back. But then,
finally, I went solo. And that's when
I started writing really great songs.
But look, if you happen to be on the
sidelines, you know, bein' more of a
cheerleader than a player, well, then
I guess you should stay on as Timmy's
Uh, thanks man. See ya.
That should just about put an end to
all this Timmy nonsense.
[Mile High Stadium, later.]
Another great show, man. There must
have been a hundred thousand people
Yeah. All of them chanting "Timmy,
What's the matter, Skyler?
The name of the band is Timmy AND the
Lords of the Underworld, not just Timmy.
And the Lords of the Underworld!
It's always about you, isn't it?! I'm
sick of it! Timmy gets all the applause!
Timmy gets all the chicks! Well, you
know what?! Forget you, man!
Skyler, Timmy is what made our band
Shut up, Monsy! You can stay and deal
with Mr. Egomaniac here, but I'm novin'
on! I don't need Timmy! I'm goin'
No! Don't try and stop me, man! I'll
see you on fame's backside.
Ooo livin' a lie!
[Cartman's house, next day. The boys are on the sofa watching
Terrance and Phillip. Stan has his Ritalin, Cartman has the remote...
and a pan on his laps. He's eating bacon]
Terrance, what brand of pants am I wearing?
Let me see.
How do you like that, Terrance?
Let's watch something else.
You're watching VH1.
Here's Lalapalalala's news. The hit
group Timmy has broken up.
Oh dear. Timmy's band broke up?
And so, Phill Collins is back on as
the headliner. The opening band now
will be Timmy's guitarist Skyler's new
solo project, Reach for the Skyler.
You know something? I think that's good.
It was wrong to make Timmy a singer.
Yeah. Phil Collins was right. People
laughed at Timmy, and Timmy should be
at home, where he's protected from laughter.
I agree. You know what, you guys? We
should go to the concert anyways and
see Phil Collins.
Yeah. I think Phil Collins rocks the
So it's decided: Phil Collins concert
for all of us. Hooray. Oh oh. Hold
Oh my goodness, you killed Kenny.
[The Marsh house. Several parents are gathered in the living
room. Chef speaks]
Parents, I called you all together because
I think you might be making a mistake
puttin' your children on Ritalin.
Uh, but our kids have Attention Deficit
Disorder, Chef. They can't pay attention
in school without it.
I know you wanna help your kids, but
I brought over a videotape to show you
that there are alternatives to Ritalin.
There's this doctor in Northern California
who is doing really amazing kids with
children who have ADD. I want you to
watch this tape.
Hello, I'm Dr. Richard Shay, here to
tell you about exciting new drug-free
treatment for children with Attention
Deficit Disorder. This treatment is
fast and effective and doesn't use harmful
drugs. Watch closely as I apply treatment
to the first child.
I want a horse. I want a big brown
horse with a brown-and-black tail, and
a diamond tiara- Ah!
Sit down and study!
Woohoo, let's go sledding, let's go
race and race, let's go!
Sit down and study!
Stop crying and do your schoolwork!
If you would like more information
on my bold new treatment, please send
away for this free brochure, entitled,
"You can either calm down, or I can
pop you in the mouth again." Thank you.
Well, what do you think? I can have
Dr. Shay come to South Park for a small
That video had pretty colors.
It sure did.
What the? Damnit, have you all been
taking your children's Ritalin too?!
Awww, fudge it!
Chef, are you going to the Phil Collins
Phil Collins is playing Lalapalala's,
and because we're all doing so well
in school now, our parents said they
would take us.
Hold on a second: you children want
to go see Phil Collins?
Yes. His flowing melodies are really
enjoyable to us.
Oh my God!!
Come, see him with us.
Yes, come with us. Come with uusss.
Haaa, it's Christina Aguilera agan!
She's on my back! Hah!
That does it! That Ritalin has affected
your little cracker brains too deeply!
I'm going to go see that damn phramacist!
[South Park Pharmacy, after hours. The pharmacist and the clinic
doctor are talking, and the doctor counts some money]
Look at that. Ritalin stocks are up
That's easily another twenty grand apiece!
Hey, open this damn door.
Can I help you?
Yes you can! What the hell are you two
doin' prescribing all the children Ritalin?!
Well, they've all been diagnosed with
ADD. That's Attention Deficit-
I know what it is! But now you've got
a town full of zombie children from
the planet Zandor.
All around the country, you bastard
doctors are giving children Ritalin!
And for every one child that actually
needs it, you give it to 50,000 that
Hey now, don't tell us our business,
Mr. Chef. Why, we-
You're damn right I'll tell you yo'
business, because you two have got your
heads up your asses! Thanks to you,
we have children in our town that like
Eh wuh, what??
That's right! You've made them so dull
and boring that they'er actually going
to go to a Phil Collins concert!
Mm- my God. What have we done??
Well, if I had known... Phl Collins, uh,
Well, how do we reverse the Ritalin?!
We uh... have to convince them not to
take it, but, ahah ih it'll be hard
to get it away from them.
Then we need an antidote!
Yes, of course.
Uh, what's the antidote for Ritalin?
I have some right here. It's a compound
Alright. Come on, we've got to get the
antidote to all the children. Quick!
[Townsfolk file in. Music is piped in before the concert]
Last night I went, "O!"
Last night I went "Bubudio"
Here. We can put the Ritalin antidote
in these drinks and hand them out to
Last night I went, "O!"
Bububudio. [takes a bow. People clap a bit]
Wasn't that great, son?
Sure was, Dad.
It's so wonderful to be on the same
wavelength as our kids.
Here you go, Stan and Kyle. Free drinks
Oh, thank you, Chef. How nice.
I know. I'd like to sing the complex
and amazing song that won me the Oscar,
a song entitlted, "You'll Be In... Me."
You're inside of me.
Deep inside of me. [Chef hands drinks to more kids]
So deep inside, I can feel you pushing against my heart.
Come on, drink it down. It's free.
You'll be inside of me...
Huh? Oh no! Agh! Get off me! Get off
me! Somebody help!! Please?? Somebody
get it off of me!! Get it off of me.
I feel... different.
Get off of me, Christina Aguilera! Alright?!
Please! Hegh, hegh
Drink this, Eric. God help me! Heh,
get it... She's gone! Thank God!
Wait a minute! Phil Collins sucks ass!
Yeah! What the hell were we thinking?!
I think it's working.
Shut your filthy holes, you little
Get off the stage, Phil Collins! We
You just wanna laugh at him.
No! You see, we learned something today.
Yeah, sure, we laughed at Timmy, but
what's wrong with laughter? Just because
we laugh at something doesn't mean we
don't care about it. Timmy made us smile,
and playing made Timmy smile, so where
was the harm in that? The people that
are wrong are the ones that think people
like Timmy should be "protected" and
kept out of the public's eye. The cool
thing about Timmy being in a band was
that he was in your face, and you had
to deal with him, whether you laughed
or cried, or felt nothing. That's why
Yeah! Tim-my! Tim-my!
Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!
[A desert near town. Mark and Timmy stand outside, Jonesy sits
on the running board]
Man, it sucks not being part of Lalapalabala.
Skyler, what are you doing here?! Isn't
Reach for the Skyler supposed to play
They booed Phil Collins off the stage.
Everyone's chanting for Timmy and the
Lords of the Underworld.
Oh, so now that they want us, you think
you can waltz, um, back into our lives
and be in the band again?
I don't expect anything. Timmy, I-gh...
Well, I just wanted to say we had some
pretty rockin' times, dude, and... maybe
I let fame and Phil Collins go to my
Wow. They really are chanting for us.
Hn they want us back.
What do you say, Timmy?
Rrr, rrr, uh, Timmih.
[The Lalapalalapaza concert.]
Ladies and gentlemen, without further
ado, it is my pleasure to introduce
the reunion tour of Timmehuh!
Timmiihh, and the Lords of the Underworld!
Timmiihh! Timmih! Livin' a lie-ah!
Hidilah Timmy! Timmuh- Timmiihh! Timmehuh
And the Lords of the Underworld.
Put me down, you filthy bastards!
Timmiihh uluh-livin' a lie!