[South Park, the bus stup, day. Stan and Kenny wait at the bus
stop. Kyle and Ike walk up. Ike is dressed in a little business
suit and his hair is combed]
Dude! What's your little brother doing
Ike is starting his first day of kindergarten
But isn't he only three years old?
Yeah, but he's some kind of genius,
so he's getting advanced placement in
Ah poobed my pants.
But dude, check out my new Trapper
Keeper! It has five different compartments
for each subject in school. And it's
all covered with pictures from Dawson's
Hey, dudes, check out my sweet Dawson's
Creek Trapper Keeper Ultrakeeper Futura
2000! Yeah, well , it's got ten different
compartments for every subject in school,
an electronic pencil sharpener, four
plastic bags with electronic zippers,
copy machine, fax, a better picture
of Dawson's Creek on the back than Kyle's,
flat-screen TV, and of course, On-Star.
God-damnit, you only got that because
you knew my mom would buy it for me!
Oh, but you have a Trapper Keepeh- Oh,
you got the little Crapper Keeper, didn't
you? Well, at least your stupid brother
got a briefcase.
He's going to kindergarten because he's
He's not a genius, he's a little douche
Ah pooped my pants!!!
He's smarter than you, fatboy!! I don't
even know how you made it into fourth
grade! I thought-
Trapper Keeper, I need to drown out
my annoying friend. Please initiate
music, country, high volume.
Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper
[The bus, day. The boys take their seats. Cartman and Kenny sit
behind Kyle, Stan, and Ike. All of them notice the disheveled
man on the other side of the bus]
Ms. Crabtree, there's another creepy
homeless guy on the bus.
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
But they smell like pee.
I am not a homeless personne. I am a
new fourth-grade studant.
Yes! My name is Bill. Bill Cosby.
Aren't you a little old to be in grade
I was held back ten humon grades. I
mean, grades. Do you companion-friends
know Eric Cartman?
Yeah, that's me.
Eric Cartman?! And you have a Dawson's
Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S2000
Yeahhh, you already know about it??
Yes. Yes I do.
Well! "Nobody gives a crap about your
Trapper Keeper, Cartman!"
I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass!
Dude, do you really care if Cartman
has something that's better than yours?
No I don't! I don't care!
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. The room appears festive,
the wall adorned with a beaming sun with rays coming from it,
rolling hills with trees here and there. The kids enter and take
their places at the round table. Two miffed boys stand by the
door as Ike enters the room]
Hey, there he is. That's the kid that's
s'posed to be some kind of genius.
Yeah, he's only three and he's already
Come on. So, you think you're smarter
than the rest of us? Do you think you
know more about the world just because
you are only 3 and we're 5?
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
My name is Mr. Garrison. And I'm the
new kindergarten teacher. I used to
be the third grade teacher, but I had
a little "nervous breakdown" and went
into the mountains where I lived off
of "rat carcasses" But I'm all better
now, and the school was nice enough
to let me g n teaching, as long as it
was for kindergarten. But it's not
a demotion. No. I mean, just because
a teacher was teaching third grade and
now is teaching kindergarten, that's
not a demotion, is it? No, that's right,
it's not. Well, let's start with role
call. Uh, let's see. Filmore Anderson?
Alright, Ike Broflovski.
Broflovski --- I had your older brother
Kyle in my third-grade class. He's a
very smart kid. I'm sure you are, too.
Well that's bad news for everybody
else, because I will be grading you
all on a curve.
[South Park Elementary, fourth grade room. The class is present,
along with "Bill Cosby" Cartman elaboraes on the wonderful attributes
of his Trapper Keeper]
And so the other thing that makes my
Trapper Keeper cooler than Kyle's is
that it can add any peripheral device
to itself automatically. I can take
something as simple as this calculator
and... Trapper Keeper?
Trapper Keeper active.
Hybrid with Wellington Bear Calculator.
Ready for hybrid.
And now it can use Wellington Bear Calculator,
May I hold your Trapper Keeper?
Uh, n-no, I'm afraid not, Bill Cosby,
because it is coded to the prints on
my fingers. If anybody but me tries
to hold it, big metal spikes come out
and pierce through their hands.
Oh, you are so full of crap, Cartman!
Metal spikes will not come out!
Oh really? Then, why don't you hold
it? Well, go on, Kyle. If it doesn't
have metal spikes, then hold it. Hold
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. Mr. Garrison is telling
his life story to the kids]
Aaand that's how the relationship with
my father sort of ended. There's still
some sort of skeletons in the closet,
but things between us are a little better.
Okay, children, well now it's time
for us to elect a class president ,
so first we must pick nominees. Who
would like to nominate someone?
I nominate Filmore, because he's the
smartest kid in the class.
Okay, Filmore. You'll be our first
nominee. And who else? Yes, Jenny.
I gotta go doodie.
In a minute, Jenny. Who else wants to
nominate a class presdient? Oh, come
on! You can't have an election with
just one person running! What's the
fun in that? Ike? How about you? You're
Okay, our second nominee is Ike The
Genius. Okay, children, now we'll hear
briefly from each nominee. Filmore,
why don't you go first?
If I'm elected class president, I'll
call for big ol' chairs. And on Fridays,
I'll add two minutes to nap time. Thank
Very enthralling. Okay, Ike? How about
Cookeh Monsta. Oight
...Well, this is gonna be a tough one,
[South Park Elementary playground. The four boys stand around
the tetherball pole while two kids in front of them toss a football,
two girls walk by behind them, another kid climbs the jungle
gym, and another rocks on a hobby elephant]
Oh, dude, here comes that weird new
Aaahhh, hello Eric. Can I be your humon
friend? I mean, friend?
I don't know, dude. I'm not supposed
to have any male friends that are over
30. I kind of screwed on that once.
Please. We can have fun and play games,
like humon four square I mean, four
Dude, you can't just ask to be somebody's
friend and be their friend, It doesn't
work that way. If you want to be my
friend, you'll have to pay me.
Bill Oh, I see. Alright, I'll pay 100 geliga stones --- uh, I
mean, human dollars! --- eugh, I mean dollars!
Okay, that's cool.
Bill [holds up the tetherball] Can we play some humon tetherball?
Ah- alright. Pretty sweet, you guys,
getting a hundred bucks to play tetherball
with some- .
Bill Serve! [whips the ball at Cartman, knocking him onto his
back. The Trapper Keeper falls away and lands next to Kenny.
"Bill" makes his move]
Bill Got it!
Dude! He's running off with your Trapper
You son of a bitch! Wait a minute.
Lucky for me, I have my Trapper Keeper
What the hell just happened?
Damn! I thought fourth grade was gonna
[South Park Elementary, Kindergarten. Mr. Garrison tallies up
the votes so far on the board...]
So that's six votes for Filmore and
six votes for Ike. And the last vote
is for... uh, let's see. Flora, I can't
tell who you voted for. You've got
the winning vote, Flora. Who d'you pick?
I don't know...
Flora, you have to pick one: Filmore
Um, I vote for... I don't know.
Oh, great! Flora's undecided! Well,
you're just gonna have to sit there,
Flora, and think about it until you
come up with an answer.
Boy #2 Flora, just say you vote for Filmore so we can all go
No! You want Ike to be president.
We're gonna be here all night! Why don't
you guys just concede?!
Why don't you just concede?!
I want Ike to be president!
Oh, for Christ's sakes, you're all acting
like a bunch o' kids!
[South Park, day. A police car zooms down the street. Officer
Barbrady flies down the road in the police cruiser with Cartman
in the passenger seat and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny in the back seat.
Cartman has the Trapper Tracker Keeper in his hand and is following
the Trapper Keeper's signal on the Tracker's screen]
Turn left here! We're getting close!
Get your gun ready!
Eric, I'm not gonna shoot anybody for
taking your school folder!
It was NOT a school folder, it was
a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura
S2000! And if-! There he is!
Aah, try to take my Trapper Keeper,
Please. You do not understand.
Book him, Barbrady. Another job well
That Trapper Keeper has to be destroyed!
Why are you so obsessed with Cartman's
Trapper Keeper, Bill Cosby?
Nooo! Listen to me! I am not really
Bill Cosby. My name is VSM471. I am
a cyborg engineered by humons from the
Well, I knew you weren't Bill Cosby!
I have come to destroy that Trapper
Keeper, because it was the Dawson's
Creek Trapper Keeper that belongs to
an Eric Cartman in South Park which
three years from now manifests itself
into an omnipotent superbeing, and destroys
all of humonity. In the year two thousand
and four a hybrid-assimilating computer
linked with a satellite uplink computer.
From there it was able to slowly take
over every computer in the world. It
became stronger and stronger! Until,
by the year 2018 it broke away from
mankind and there was nothing the humons
could do. It wasn't long before Mighty
Trapper Keeper started to destroy everything
as useless, including humons. The nations
tried everything to stop it. Nuclear
devices, seismic missiles. But nothng
worked. The humons built robots of
their own, whole armies of them But
nothing was strong enough to stop Trapper
Keeper. And so finally, the humons
decided to send one of their robots
into the past to destroy the Trapper
Keeper before it even got started.
Wow, that's amazing
Man, I guess sometimes we let our technology
and stuff grow too fast.
What do you think, Officer Barbrady?
Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
And so, Eric. Now you see why we must
destroooyy your Trapper Keeper.
...You guys. Did I mention that it has
a pencil sharpener and a crayon sharpener?
Cartman, it takes over the world and
destroy all of humanity!
What would you guys have me do, huh?!
Walk around with just a plain old Trapper
Keeper like Kyle's?! Is that what you
Aw, damnit! Here! Take it! You want
my heart as well?! You'll find it on
the bottom of your shoes!
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The class is looking at
Flora. Mr. Mackey sits on a chair looking bored]
Oh, thank God, Flora! Alright, who
do you vote for?
Okay, so then the total is six for
Filmore and now seven votes for Ike.
Ike is the new class persident.
We want a recount.
Recount! Recount! Recount! Recount!
Oh, of all the juvenile things I've
ever heard! You LOST, Filmore! Don't
be such a baby! Alright, alright, I'll
count up the ballots again. Okay, we
had one vote for Filmore... ...And this
time, I again get six votes for Filmore
and seven votes for Ike!
Count them again.
NO, children! I've recounted 106 times
now and I keep coming up with seven
to six! Except in the one instance where
it came out seven to five, and one where
it came out twelve to fourteen. IT'S
OVER! IKE IS CLASS PRESIDENT!
Wait, there's still that absent kid.
Yeah. If Carlos is absent, we have to
wait for his vote.
Oh, will you grow up?!
Absent kids count! Absent kids count!
Jesus! Alright, we'll wait for tomorrow
so the absent kid can cast his vote!
Now go home!
[South Park Elementary, hallway, next day.]
Good morning, humons.
Hey, Bill Cosby.
I have successfully destroyed Eric Cartman's
Trapper Keeper. I broke it apart, dipped
the motherboards in acid, burned the
memory chips, and sent the wiring to
the four corners of Canada.
That should do it.
So what are you going to do with your
crappy robot life now, Bill Cosby?
Well, that is a problem that is causing
me some disconcernment. I am still here,
but I shouldn't be here. If Trapper
Keeper has been stopped, then I should
not exist. But here I am. Something
is still not right.
Cartman! You still got a Trapper Keeper!
Yeah, I'm a genius! Last night I went
home and told my mom that I lost the
last one. Then I cried and I cried,
and finally she felt so bad that she
took me to the store and bought me a
NEW one! So everything worked out.
Cartman, you dumbass! You can't get
a new one!
Why the hell not?!
Because if your Trapper Keeper takes
over the world, then maybe it was THIS
Trapper Keeper and not the one before!
Wait... sso then you guys burned my last
one for no reason!
We will have to destroy this Trapper
But I don't think I can get my mom
to buy me another one.
Don't you get it?! You can't have ANY
Trapper Keeper, fatass!
Oh, that is bullcrap! And you know what
I think?! I think this whole thing is
a SETUP! That's right! Kyle got this
guy to say that he's a robot from the
future just because he's jealous of
my Trapper Keeper! And you know what
else?! Screw you guys, I'm going home!
Ech! Screw you guys, home!
Well, that does it!
Hey! What are you doing?
I'm afraid I have no other choice!
For the sake of humanity I have to kill
Yeah, that's fine... No, wait!
Can I do it?
Oh, well, I suppose...
Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, fatboy!
Wait! Perhaps there is another way.
If you could take me to where Eric Cartman
lives, I could try reasoning with his
Whoa. Yeah, or we could just kill him.
Yeah, that'd be faster.
He's right there.
I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually
starting to feel what you humons call
"compassion." It is an amazing feeling!
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison stands before
the class and begins to speak]
Alright children, as you know, we've
been waiting for the absent kid's ballot
to come in. Well, his mother was nice
enough to bring him in from the hospital
so that he could cast his vote. Ms.
Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget
to pick up your lung. Alright, the
absent kid's ballot is for... Fillmore.
Wait one minute!
Oh, Jesus Tapdancing Christ!
I think the ballot were misleading.
Some kids didn't understand whom they
were voting for.
There's a box next to Filmore's name
and a box next to Ike's! What's not
You're just saying that, 'cause you
know you're gonna lose now!
No, I'm saying that because you are
Well, just you wait, 'cause myuh famous
aunt is on huh way wight now.
Who's your famous aunt?
My aunt Wosie, Wosie O'Donnell
Your aunt Rosie O'Donnell is coming
Yeah, she's vewy active in politics.
So she's gonna set all this straight.
[The Cartman house, day, Cartman's room. Cartman sets the Trapper
Keeper in a tray, then secures it onto a docking bay and plugs
a cable into it.]
Sweet. You're so cool, Trapper Keeper.
I would never let those assholes take
I don't wanna wait for my Trapper Keeper forever
The ways of my Trap-
Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb.
Trapper Keeper, merging.
[The Cartman house, day, dining room. "Bill" is seated at the
head of the table, with Ms. Cartman and Kenny to his right, and
Stan and Kyle to his left.]
And so you see, Ms. Cartman, you cannot
buy your son Eric another Trapper Keeper.
Not now! Not ever!
Right, because it will hybrid with all
those other processors and generate
a whole new era of technological darkness.
Well, I certainly won't buy him anymore,
Good. Now all that is left to do is
destroy the Trapper Keeper Eric has
now. Where is he?
In his room. But, why don't I show you
the rest of the house first?
Here we go again.
Come this way, Billy.
Well, come on. Let's go upstairs and
get Cartman's Trapper Keeper ourselves.
[The Cartman house, day, Cartman's room. Cartman is getting friendly
with his Trapper Keeper]
...Kyle is just jealous of you, Trapper
Keeper. You kick ass! I don't wanna
let my Trapper Keeper get-
Open up, Cartman! We're taking your
Screw you guys, screw you guys. Screw
you guys, scr-
Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb.
Damnit Cartman, open up!
Trapper Keeper, ready for hybrid.
Oh, sweet. What's it gonna hybrid with
Cartman, you might as well open up!
We're just gonna have Bill Cosby bust
the door down after he finishes having
sex with your mom!
Cartman?? He's not gonna open it! Break
You break it down!
Okay. Ready? One Two Three, Not it!
Not it! You lose, Kenny.
...Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
[The Cartman house, day, outside. The front door opens and Stan
and Kyle rush outside and away.]
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison sits with
the class around the table and hears some ominous noise]
What the hell is that? Oh my God! What
is that thing?! Children, there's some
huge bulbous monstrosity heading for
the classroom! Oh my God, it's awful!
It's coming for the door.
Run for your lives, children! I'll
try to fight it off!
That's my aunt, Wosie O'Donnell.
Oh. Oh, um. Pleasure to meet you, Miss
O'Donnell. You're looking... well.
Don't worry kids. Everythng's gonna
be fine. What's the problem?
Aunt Wosie. We think I won for class
No, Ike won.
Look, it's very simple. We took a vote
and the vote tied, so now we gotta come
up with a way-
Well it obviously isn't that simple,
is it?! I mean, you'd think a little
kindergarten teacher could've handled
this, but now we're gonna do it my way!
Colorado Springs 20mi
Secret Military Base 18mi
[South Park, outskirts. The Trapper Keeper enters the scene and
demolishes the sign]
We are Trapper Keeper.
Oh no! It is heading for Cheyenne Mountain!
Why is that bad?
It was when the Trapper Keeper assimilated
with the supercomputer at Cheyenne Mountain
that it was able to fuse into all defensive
Then we have to stop it before it gets
Step on it, Bill Cosby!
[The road to Cheyenne Mountain. All is quiet. Two security guards
wait at the entrance reading newspapers. The one wearing glasses
Hey Mark, look.
Wow. That is about the nicest Trapper
Keeper I've ever seen.
Cartman, you have to stop!
We are Trapper Keeper. We are one.
A part of your friend must still be
alive in there.
He is in there.
That must be what Trapper Keeper is
using for ventilation. If one of you
could get in there, you could reach
One-two-three not it!
Not- Aw, Damnit!
[The Trapper Keeper Interior. Kyle makes his way in and scrambles
through a field of organs until he reaches another entrance.
The valves open up and suck Kyle into a room bathed in light.
Kyle floats in.]
What are you doing, Kyle?
I'm going to try and break you away
from the computer, Cartman. I need to
remove the CPU.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that,
Screw you, fatass!
Hey-eh, screw you.
AS LONG AS
IT TAKES GIVE UP Filmore
rules! We like
Okay, so then what we're going to do
is count everybody's vote by hand, and
after that, we're gonna go over the
votes again manually, and then-
Oh, STOP IT, STOP STOP IHIHIHIHIT!
Look kids, we're all in this kindergarten
class together. We have to respect one
another or else we're in for a terrible
We're just making sure that the kids
that voted for my nephew don't get cheated.
Half the kids in the class didn't vote
for your nephew, so what about them?
You don't give a crap about them because
they're not on your side! People like
you preach tolerance and open-mindedness
all the time, but when it comes to Middle
America, you think we're all evil and
stupid country yokels who need your
political enlightenment!! WELL, JUST
BECAUSE YOU'RE ON TV DOESN'T MEAN YOU
KNOW CRAP ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT!!! NOW
GET YOUR ASS BACK ON FIRST CLASS AND
RESPECT THIS CLASS'S RIGHT TO MAKE UP
THEIR OWN MINDS!!! ...Oh, sorry I got
a little off the subject, kids.
How dare you?! I will not be preached
at by a country bumpkin! I'm leaving
this podunk town, but in my place I'm
gonna send more lawyers, statesmen and
press than you have ever SEEN!
Oh no, children, I think I've just made
this a whole lot worse.
[South Park, a red sunset. At Cheyenne Mountain the Trapper Keeper
has spread itself over it and taken it over. A slimy appendage
reaches out and grabs a phone both next to two ladies]
Well that does it! I'm gonna have to
report this! Cargo on to base- AAGH!
It is infusing with everything. It is
already too powerful to stop!
Kyle's got to succeed. He's just got
[The Trapper Keeper Interior. Kyle struggles to make his way
out of the little prison he's in]
I can't reach the CPU.
[Cheyenne Mountain, outside. A limo speeds up to the scene and
encounters the Trapper Keeper, which is beginning to look like
the tower in "Bill"'s prophecy. Rosie O'Donnell pops out and
walks up to it.]
What are you doin'?! Get out of my way!
Oh no! Now there's two of those things!
No, I think that other thing is Rosie
Huh? Which one? I- It's just like I'm
I said, get out of my way! AAAaaAAaaaagh!
Look! I think that infusing with Rosie
O'Donnell has made Trapper Keeper sick.
Oohh. Bad pie. Bad pie.
This is your chance, Kyle! Cartman has
[The Trapper Keeper Interior. Cartman releases his hold on Kyle
and Kyle drops to the floor. He quickly moves to the wall panel
containing the CPU and pulls the CPU out along with some memory
[Cheyenne Mountain, outside. Trapper Keeper turns into a big
mass of goo, and the people trapped in it are spat out. Rosie
ends up half-eaten. Everybody begins to approach the survivors]
He did it!
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The kids are seated around
the round table, and their lawyers stand behind them arguing.
Mr. Garrison sits at the head of the table listening]
Okay, children, the lawyers for Ike's
side have agreed with the lawyers on
Filmore's side to hold another meeting
regardng Form 22F. Do we all have that
Is this the Kindergarten classroom?
That's right! I believe the African-American
in your class were misrepresented!
We don't have any African-Americans
in our class!
Alright, so apparently what we're gonna
do now is hand-count each person's ballot-
Mistoreh Garrison, I concede.
You... yuh, you what?
I don't wanna play anymore, 'cause this
game is stupid!
Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.
Ike, you could be class president.
I pooped my pants!
Can we fingerpaint now?
Ohuh. Yes. Yes! Let's fingerpaint!
[Cheyenne Mountain, aftermath. Stan and the others reach Cartman
You did it, Kyle! Kyle saved your life,
Goodbye, humons. Oh, ogh! Oh, it hurts!
Oh, that's a bitch.
Ogh. Well, I guess everything's fine
now. So let's go home.
Hey! Whoa whoa whoa, Cartman! All you've
been doing is making fun of Kyle and
now he's saved your life! You at least
owe him a thank you!
Alright, alright. Kyle, -