"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 308
"TWO GUYS NAKED IN A HOTTUB"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman
[The Marsh car, night, Randy's driving. He and Sheila take Stan
along with them. It seems Shelley has already been dropped off
at Cartman's house to babysit him.]
STAN
I don't want to go to this stupid party!
RANDY
Come on, Stan, you're gonna have a great
time.
STAN
No, you guys are gonna have a great
time! Whenever there's a party, the
adults get to hang out and have fun
while the kids spend the night locked
in the basement eating stale pretzels.
RANDY
Well, your mom and I don't get out much,
so you'll just have to bear through
it.
[The Mackey house. The Marshes arrive. Four other cars are there,
one of them double-parked. The house is festooned with stars
of various sizes, with two shooting stars among them. A banner
reads, "METEOR SHOWER PARTY" while a sign on the door reads "WELCOME
SKYWATCHERS." The Marshes reach the door and Randy rings the
bell. Mr. Mackey answers.]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Hello! Welcome, hmkay? This is already
a wild party, hm.
RANDY
Yeah, well uh, sorry we had to bring
the kid along. We had nowhere else to
put him.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, that's okay. I've got a special
kids' room down in the basement.
STAN
Awww!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Be sure to help yourselves to the crab
soufflé, and uh, eh, Juanita? Juanita?
We need some more finger sandwiches?
[The basement. Mr. Mackey leads the family down the steps]
STAN
I don't wanna hang out in the kids'
room. I won't know anybody
RANDY
Well, it would be good for you to make
new friends. You can't just hang out
with your buddy Kyle all the time. People
will think you guys are, you know, funny.
Now I bet you'll have a great time.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Here you go, it's right in here.
RANDY
We'll be upstairs if you need anything,
Stan.
STAN
Dad! You can't leave me here! These
guys are total Melvins!
SHARON
You have fun, Stanley.
STAN
No! Mom, please! They're the geekiest
kids at our school!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
We'll come get you kids when the meteor
shower starts.
PIP
Cheerio, Stahan. I do say it's quite
a nice surprise seeing you here.
STAN
Shut up, Pip.
SWANSON
Hey, Stan. Why I-I-I sure am glad you're
here, 'cause then we'll have even more
fun than we, why, than we was havin'
before. Why, we wuh, we were havin'
an awfully good time before you showed
up, too, however.
STAN
Butters, is there any way out of here?
BUTTERS
Nope. No way out. Buh, but there ain't
nothin' upstairs but an old, stupid
party anyways. It's better down here
in the kids' room. Uh, this here is
Dougie. He's not too old, but he sure
is a hoot to hang with. Uhuh, he's in
first grade, I think.
DOUGIE
I like math.
STAN
Oh my God.
PIP
We were just playing a game called Wickershams
and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
STAN
No.
PIP
I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you
are all little Wickershams We all sing
the merry tune of Stratford until I
yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall
down laughing, and I join you, as I
find it funny too. Stan, would you be
the Wickersham of Brumble Briar? And
all right, here we go. Whippy-tippy
tootoo, tralala-la.
ALL THREE
Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. Whippy-tippy
tootoo, tralala-la.
[Upstairs. The party is well under way. Mr. Garrison walks up
to Mr. Mackey]
GARRISON
Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just
grabbed Principal Victoria's ass. No!
Mr. Hat, you get back here!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Anyone for some meteor mai tai punch?
It packs quite a whallop.
SHARON
Oh, I'll pass. I don't drink hard alcohol.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Come on! Loosen up! Meteor showers
only come once in a great while.
RANDY
One little drink isn't going to hurt
anything, honey. Come on, live a little.
SHARON
Well, it is kind of a special night.
I guess I could... experiment.
RANDY
Yeah, experiment.
[The basement. Pip, Butters, and Dougie continue with Wickershams
and Ducklers. Stan sits on the floor with his back to them, arms
wrapping his knees]
ALL THREE
Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la.
PIP
Wickersham tally-ho ugh. Are you sure
you don't want to play, Stanley?
STAN
Yes.
DOUGIE
What are you? A sourpuss?
BUTTERS
Uhuh, you uh really oughta play, Stan.
It's an awfully fun game. Ah I've never
been to England, but uh I'll bet the
people there are really nice. Are people
nice in England, Pip? I bet they are,
huh? They got those thick noses and
all.
PIP
Hey, look at this!
BUTTERS
Uh what is it? Is it something neat?
Uh I wonder what it could be.
PIP
It's a box filled with ladies' clothes.
DOUGIE
Neato.
BUTTERS
Hey, you know what we could do with
these lady clothes, huh? Wuh-y why we
could play Charlie's Angels.
STAN
Oh, dude, you've gotta be kidding me.
PIP
Yes, let's! Can I be Jaclyn Smith?
Can I?
BUTTERS
No, uh I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See,
uh I thought of Charlie's Angels, and
I get to be Jaclyn Smith 'cause I thought
of it.
PIP
Oh, this sounds as much fun as Wickershams
and Ducklers! Come on, Angels. Let's
get dressed. Which ladies' garments
would you like, Stan?
STAN
Dude, I'm not putting on ladies' clothes,
and I'm not playing Charlie's Angels!
You guys are Melvins, and I'm not one
of you! So you go ahead and be Melvins,
and leave me alone!
PIP
Well. Alrighty then.
[The backyard. A hot tub sits just behind the house. Mr. Mackey
leads the Marshes and Broflovskis to it]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Here it is. I just had the hot tub put
in last week.
KYLE'S FATHER
Wow, neat!
KYLE'S MOTHER
It looks quite inviting.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yeah, you can get a lot of action when
you have a hot tub.
SHARON
Oh Mr. Mackey, you nut.
RANDY
Hell, we should get in.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Sure, go ahead. It's a-it's a party,
isn't it? Mkahy?
SHARON
Oh, I'm not hot-tubbing. I have nothing
to wear.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Hm huheh, that's okay.
KYLE'S MOTHER
No hot tob for me!
KYLE'S FATHER
Well, screw you guys!
RANDY
I'm getting in for a while, too. Geronimo!
SHARON
Oh, look at our boys, Sheila. It's
just like they're in college again.
[The basement. The Angels are dressed and ready for action, but...]
PIP
Okay, Angels, what's our mission this
week?
BUTTERS
Well, I don't know what our mission
is. Do you know what our mission is,
little first-grade kid?
DOUGIE
How should I know?
PIP
Oh, dear. We're Charlie's Angels, but
we don't have a mission.
BUTTERS
Hey, that's because we need Bosley.
Uh Bosley always told the Angels what
their mission was. Remember Bosley?
Wah uhwhy uhwhy we need somebody to
be Bosley.
STAN
What?
PIP
Well, we hate to trouble you, Stan,
but would you mind terribly being Bosley
for us?
STAN
What do I have to do?
BUTTERS
Uh you just got- you just gotta tell
us what our mission is, that's all.
That's all Bosley does. Just give a
mission, and us Angels will accomplish
it.
STAN
Alright, alright. Here's your mission.
In ten minutes this room is gonna fill
up with water and drown everybody. You
have to find me a way out of this room,
fast.
PIP
Oh, that's a splendid mission!
BUTTERS
Well, what are we waitin' for? We've
gotta find a way out of this room, by
golly, or else we're gonna get drowned.
Come on, Angels!
DOUGIE
Which Angel am I again?
[The hot tub. Gerald and Randy relax in its bubbling warmth]
RANDY
Oh boy, it's nice to have a night out
without the kids, huh?
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah, I know what yuu mean.
RANDY
I love havin' a family and all. I just...
miss being able to party. Drinking and
socializing, and experimenting with
all kinds of different things.
KYLE'S FATHER
Well, that's what being young is all
about. Once you have a family and a
career, your experimenting days are
over. But tonight is the exception;
that's why I'm gonna smoke this cigar.
Only 'cause I've never smoked before.
RANDY
Good idea.
KYLE'S FATHER
What haven't you tried that you've always
wanted to try?
RANDY
Hohn. Um, I don't know. Maybe I'll
drink a few more beers and see where
the party takes me.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah! ...Was that your leg?
RANDY
Huh? Oh, you mean, this?
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah.
RANDY
Yeah. That, that was me.
[The basement. Pip rushes up to Stan]
PIP
Bosley! Bosley!
STAN
What, Pip?
PIP
Oh no no no. My name is Sabrina Duncan.
Remember? We're playing Charlie's Angels.
STAN
What the hell do you want?!
PIP
Well, we've completed our mission. Jill
found a way upstairs.
STAN
You did?
DOUGIE
Air shaft.
BUTTERS
Dougie pushed that big box out of the
way and found this old ventilation duct.
And I reckon it's got to lead somewhere,
and and it's good 'cause, uh 'cause
now we won't drown.
PIP
So Bosley, what's our next mission?
STAN
We're going upstairs.
BUTTERS
Upstairs? Uhwhy why there's ain't nothin'
upstairs but adults. Uhwhy would we
want to go upstairs for?
STAN
Because, you stupid Melvins, they have
rad food and desserts upstairs!
[The hot tub]
RANDY
Hey, did you see Principal Victoria
in there? She looks hot.
KYLE'S FATHER
She sure does. I wouldn't mind takin'
that home.
RANDY
O-hoh, yehah, I'm sure your wife would
love that.
KYLE'S FATHER
I wish. That's the one thing I've always
thought of experimenting with. A threesome
RANDY
With two girls or two guys?
KYLE'S FATHER
Huh, well, two girls, of course! I mean
...with another guy, you know, that'd
be...
RANDY
You, you never have a homosexual fantasy?
Not that I have.
KYLE'S FATHER
You haven't?
RANDY
No, I mean... Well, they say everybody
has at some point, don't they?
KYLE'S FATHER
Well, I never really wanted to experiment
with anything too crazy. You know... maybe
just... I don't know... masturbate in front
of another guy.
RANDY
Yeah well, that, that's not really ...gay,
is it?
KYLE'S FATHER
NO, no, uh I don't think so.
RANDY
...Well it is a night for experimenting.
KYLE'S FATHER
Sure is.
RANDY
Okay, I'll start.
[some activity is going on out on the street. Someone is looking
at the house through night-vision scopes and taking snapshots.
One of those shots is of Liane talking to her son over the phone.
Five ATF agents are now seen looking at the house from across
the street]
ATF LEAD
This must be the place. They've got
all kinds of crazy stuff going on in
there.
ATF AGENT
Code 7. We believe we have found the
compound. Request immediate backup.
BARBRADY
Okay, so just what is going on here,
people?
ATF LEAD
Get down!
BARBRADY
What?
ATF LEAD
It's just like we told you, officer!
There's a religious cult in there that
plans to commit mass suicide when the
meteor shower starts.
BARBRADY
Are you sure?
ATF LEAD
Of course we're sure! We're the Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms! It's
our job to know what these fanatics
do!
BARBRADY
So what does the ATF do when religious
fanatics are gonna commit mass suicide?
ATF LEAD
Oh, don't worry! We won't let that happen!
Even if it means we have to kill each
and every one of them.
[Out front, later. ATF trucks and tanks roll in and more agents
arrive]
ATF LEAD
What's the situation?
ATF AGENT
Apparently, we've got at least five
dozen men and women in there who intend
to commit suicide when the meteor shower
starts.
ATF LEAD
Any luck talking to somebody in the
house?
ATF AGENT
We've tried calling, but there's no
answer. I think we're gonna have to
move in, sir.
ATF LEAD
Alright. Johnson!
JOHNSON
Sir!
ATF LEAD
I'm sending you in. Watch your ass.
JOHNSON
Yes, sir!
[The Mackey house, living room. Johnson now looks around the
living room, but no one seems to be alarmed at his presence.
Mr. Mackey's face soon fills the view]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, come on in. Join the party, mkay?
Would you like a meteor mai tai?
JOHNSON
Heeey, I love mai tais!
[The living room, at the ventilation duct. Stan leads the others
out]
PIP
We did it! Great job, Angels!
BUTTERS
So what's our mission now, huh Bosley?
Uh wha what do you want us to do now,
I wonder?
STAN
Alright, Angels. Uh, your next job
is to get Bosley some cookies and a
TV set.
PIP
What kind of cookies do you want, Bosley?
STAN
I don't care, just hurry!
BUTTERS
Well, hooray!
[The deck. Gerald and Randy have left the hot tub and are getting
dressed. Things get awkward]
KYLE'S FATHER
So uh. Well. That was certainly... interesting.
RANDY
...Yeah.
KYLE'S FATHER
Uh, you don't regret doing it now, do
you?
RANDY
No no. ...Wuh what's there to regret,
right? I mean..., all we did was watch
each other ...masturbate. That's that's
not gay or anything. We said so, right?
KYLE'S FATHER
Thuh that's right. Ir's just harmless
experimenting.
RANDY
Well, let's get back into the party
and see what everyone is doing.
KYLE'S FATHER
Hey. Nothing changes between us, right?
I mean, we're still friends.
RANDY
Um... Yeah yeah sure sure.
[Outside, the ATF agents are armed and ready to fire. The lead
agent reviews the situation inside with his scopes]
ATF LEAD
Damnit, where is Johnson?!
ATF AGENT
No communication, sir. It doesn't look
good for him.
ATF LEAD
Those bastards!
[Inside. Johnson is dancing away. A couple is about to leave
the party]
MAN
Great party, Mr. Mackey. Thank you so
much.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, are you sure you have to leave
so early?
WOMAN
We both have to be up early tomorrow,
but thanks again.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Mkay. Drive carefully, mkay?
[Outside, The couple walks a few steps before two spotlights
stop them in their tracks]
ATF LEAD
Hold it right there! Whatever it is
you are intending to do, do not do it!
Your freaky religious cult will not
succeed in its plan!
MAN
What?
ATF LEAD
Do not move, or we will be forced to
shoot- God damnit, who was that?!
Did you see them move?!
AGENT 1
...I did.
AGENT 2
Yah.
AGENT 3
Yeah, they moved alright.
[Inside, several men gather around Jimbo and Randy.]
JIMBO
Well, I tell you what: we may not have
Elway this year, but Brister won every
game he started in last year.
BURLY MAN
Eh that's true, but Elway was the heart
of the team. Who's the leader now?
BLOND MAN
I think the Jets are gonna be the team
to beat this year in the AFC.
RANDY
Yeah. Hey uh, if you watch another guy
masturbate, does that make you gay?
JIMBO
...What??
RANDY
Well I just... I have this buddy, uh,
he, sat and watched another guy ...play
with himself.
BURLY MAN
Well... Let's go kick his ass!
OTHER MEN
Yeah!
JIMBO
Where is he?!
RANDY
Oh he, he lives in, like, Florida.
BURLY MAN
Aw!
KYLE'S FATHER
Hey, Randy. What are you doing?
RANDY
Nothing. Uh. I'm gonna go get some
chips.
KYLE'S FATHER
Can I come with you?
RANDY
Okay.
[Mackey's bedroom. Butters leads Stan inside]
BUTTERS
Come right on in here, Bosley. Huhwell,
it was my idea. Uh I got to thinkin',
"Wuh, where do people keep TV sets?"
and then I remembered that lots of grownups
have TV's ih in their bedrooms. So,
so I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom
and er and sure enough, here it was.
STAN
Rad!
PIP
Okay, Bosley, we got you cookies and
a TV set. So what's our next mission?
STAN
There are no more missions. I have everything
I want.
BUTTERS
Wwe ain't got no more missions? Uhwhawhat
are we supposed to do? We're Angels.
Whawhat do Angels do without a mission?
STAN
Just... play something else! God!
PIP
Oh dear. We've angered Bosley.
[Breaking news]
REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in front of a house
where a religious cult is planning to
commit mass suicide when the meteor
shower starts.
STAN
Whoa, cool!
DOUGIE
I wanna be a reporter someday.
REPORTER
Just moments ago, a couple emerged from
the house. According to the ATF, the
couple refused to cooperate, then pulled
out very big guns and started shooting
everyone. The ATF had no choice but
to shoot the insane couple, and now
a standoff has ensued.
PIP
Oh, looks like that cult is about to
be blown into tiny bits.
REPORTER
The ATF commander tells us that he has
reason to believe there may be children
inside and that they are the primary
concern of all. There are choppers here
along with several tanks. The commander
is very concerned about what the mood
is inside.
STAN
Wait a minute Oh my God! Dude! That's
this house. They think our parents are
the religious cult!
DOUGIE
Do you think someday I can be a reporter?
REPORTER
We just received a photo from the recon
team of the action inside the house
showing eveidence that there are indeed
innocent children trapped inside. Those
sick cult fanatic bastards!
STAN
: Dude!
BUTTERS
Hey, uhour parents aren't religious
fantastics. Why, we gotta tell them
that they're makin' an awful mistake,
don't we?
PIP
Yes. Come on, Angels. Looks like we
have a new mission.
[The living room. Everyone is carrying on, drinking and dancing,
oblivious to the commotion outside. Randy sits on the sofa, his
hands to his eyes, his mind in turmoil. Gerald walks up to him]
KYLE'S FATHER
Randy, you're making me feel unimportant.
Talk. Talk, damn you.
RANDY
I'm just having a hard time with what
we did in the hot tub.
KYLE'S FATHER
So, so now we can't be friends?
RANDY
I didn't say that. I mean, I don't know,
I... I just feel so strange. I know it's
ridiculous, but I can't help feeling
like people here know. You know? Like,
even though nobody could know, 'cause
we said we'd never tell anybody.
KYLE'S FATHER
We said we'd never tell anybody?
RANDY
Well, of course we wouldn't.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, uh I didn't realize that.
RANDY
Yuh... You didn't ...tell anybody, did
you?
KYLE'S FATHER
Well, uh uh a few people, yeah.
RANDY
What?! Why the hell would you do that?!
KYLE'S FATHER
You didn't say not to tell anyone.
RANDY
Well, of course! I thought it would
be implied! When you masturbate with
another guy in a hot tub, you assume
that nobody is gonna tell anybody!
KYLE'S FATHER
Listen to you. You're yelling at me;
you've never yelled at me before.
RANDY
AAAW!!
STAN
Hey you guys! We've got a big problem!
The ATF is outside and they think you're
all a religious cult. You've gotta go
talk to them.
BUTTERS
Huh how come they're actin' that way,
Stan, huh? Uh how come they're laughin'
and fallin' down and such?
STAN
Mom, go look outside.
SHARON
Mommy's little boopie-kins
BUTTERS
Uh let me handle this, Stan. Uh now
l-listen up and listne good, everyone!
Why, I'm awful disappointed in you drinkin'
and carryin' on this way! Why you uhyou
should be ashamed of yourselves! Uh
if you don't get outside right now,
and tell those army guys you're not
religious fantastics, there's, why there's
gonna be heck to pay. Uh, heck, I tell
ya!
STAN
Come on, we're gonna have to go tell
'em ourselves.
[Outside. The boys step out, the ATF agents reload, and the door
closes. The spotlights come on and the commander takes up the
bullhorn]
ATF LEAD
Lay down your weapons!
STAN
We don't have any weapons.
ATF LEAD
Go back inside and tell everyone that
they are surrounded! Tell them to come
out peacefully, and we will not shoot
them.
BUTTERS
Whoa!
STAN
Get back inside!
ATF LEAD
I don't think they're gonna come out.
Use the Ganz technique.
BARBARDY
What's the Ganz techique?
ATF LEAD
This is what we did in Waco. Play really
bad music really loud until it drives
them nuts and makes them want to come
out. Nobody can stand this much Cher.
This is her new album. If this doesn't
drive them out, nothing will.
[Living room, the stereo. Mr. Mackey turns on the very same song
and starts dancing to it]
GARRISON
That's great music, Mr. Mackey. What
is that?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh this is Cher. This is her new album.
GARRISON
Well, hell, turn it up.
[Living room, away from the stereo. Randy is walking around.
Two men talk in the foreground]
GOATEED MAN
Yeah, well, you know what I heard? I
I heard that he's gay.
OTHER MAN
Oh, is he?
RANDY
Who?!
GOATEED MAN
Huh?
RANDY
Who who did you hear is, is gay?!
GOATEED MAN
Ricky Martin, the singer.
RANDY
Oh.
KYLE'S FATHER
Hey, Randy, what's up?
RANDY
What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
KYLE'S FATHER
Huh?
RANDY
Ssh-shouldn't you be hangin' out with
your wife right now?
KYLE'S FATHER
Wulluh uh I just felt like talkin' to
you.
RANDY
There's nothing to talk about.
KYLE'S FATHER
You're having regrets, aren't you?
RANDY
No, I-... I don't know.
KYLE'S FATHER
Hey. Talk to me.
RANDY
No!
KYLE'S FATHER
I thought we agreed what happened in
the hot tub wouldn't change our relationship.
RANDY
Will you stop it?! I don't... I just...
KYLE'S FATHER
Hey, Mr. Withdrawn, you might not need
to talk about it, but I sure do.
RANDY
Aaww! Sharon? Sharon, cuh can we go?
SHARON
Go?? The meteor shower hasn't even
started yet.
RANDY
Uh I know, but I want to make love
to you right now. I have to make love
to you right now.
SHARON
Randy, relax. We don't ever get to party.
Now come on! Loosen up! Experiment!
RANDY
Ogh, I already did.
STAN
Dad! Dad, they shot at us.
RANDY
Not now, Stanley.
STAN
Mom!
SHARON
Whoopee!
BUTTERS
Hey, what are we gonna do, huh?! Ughuh
uh they shot at us! They really shot
at us! They, they ain't gonna stop until
we're all dead, I betcha. Huh us and
all our families.
STAN
Get ahold of yourself, man!
BUTTERS
How come you slapped my face, Stan,
huh? Why uhwhy on earth would you do
that, anyways?
STAN
Come on. We have to find out what's
happening.
[Mackey's bedroom. The boys enter and check out the news again.]
REPORTER
I'm standing now with Danny Ganz, the
commander of the ATF. Commander, what
is the latest?
GANZ
We have not had any cooperation with
the cult inside the house. They are
refusing to come out, and apparently
they still plan to commit mass suicide
once the meteor shower starts, which
should be any moment now.
DOUGIE
See how reporters get to wear those
cool jackets? That's why I wanna be
a reporter.
REPORTER
So what are your plans, commander?
GANZ
Right now, our plan is to burn the house
down. If we set it on fire, they'll
have no choice but to come out.
BUTTERS
Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on
fire. Uhoh, great Jesus, son of Mary,
wife of Joseph, what are we gonna do,
huh? Huhoh, sweet Joseph, husband of
Mary but not father of sweet Jesus-
STAN
Sh!
REPORTER
Setting them on fire seems a little
dangerous, commander.
GANZ
It is, but we can't let them kill themselves.
STAN
We have to let them know that this isn't
a cult party.
PIP
But we can't. They'll just shoot at
us again.
BUTTERS
Uhuh, they're gonna burn us up and act
like nothin' happened. Oh, sweet Jesus,
Mary, mother of Jesus, wife of Joseph,
father to Mary, well- Wait. Mary, wife
uh... Oh, hold on.
STAN
Come on, Angels. We've got a new mission.
And this time, it's for real.
[Outside. The reporter continues]
REPORTER
For hours now, the ATF has tried to
communicate with the religious fanatics
inside this house. The meteor shower
is expected to begin at any moment,
and so time is running out.
[Inside, the party continues.]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Hoh, look. Harold's doing it again,
hm huh hnmkay?
DOUGIE
This is Jill Munroe reporting live from
inside the meteor shower party. As
youu can see, this is a perfectly normal
party. Nobody is killing themselves.
We tried to tell ATF people, but they
shot at us. Anything else?
STAN
Tell them not to burn us down.
DOUGIE
Oh yeah. Don't burn us, please. Jill
Munroe, GFN news.
PIP
Now what do we do?
STAN
Now we find a way to get this tape
to the real reporters.
DOUGIE
Hey, I'm a real reporter.
STAN
You're right. You are, Dougie. You did
an awesome job.
[Outside, Ganz is back behind the firing line with the bullhorn]
GANZ
Attention, cult people! Do not commit
mass suicide! There are so many reasons
not to kill yourselves! Flowers, for
instance. And backrobs. Alright, I'm
through trying to reason with them.
Send in the Negotiator!
REPORTER
Excuse me, but what proof do you have
that those people inside are religious
fanatics?
GANZ
We know what we're doing. We did this
all before in Waco.
REPORTER
Uh yes, but you totally screwed up Waco.
You killed a bunch of innocent people
and then tried to say they killed themselves.
GANZ
Look. You see this? You see this?
REPORTER
Yes.
GANZ
You see it? You see it? Go get it.
Go get it! Alright, let's get ready
to kick some religious fanatic ass!
[Inside. Randy is scarfing down some nachos at the snack table,
and Gerald approaches him. Randy sees him and gives him the evil
eye, then moves to the mai tai bowl. Gerald follows. Randy glowers
at him]
KYLE'S FATHER
Having a good time?
RANDY
Yeah, swell! Could I just... have a few
minutes alone?
KYLE'S FATHER
I'm not gonna let you change on me,
Randy. Just because we shared an intimate
moment in the hot tub, I won't let it
change our friend-
RANDY
We did not share an intimate moment,
okay?! That makes it sound gay!
[Outside. The front door opens and six guests exit]
GUEST
Good night, everyone.
GANZ
Look out! Ho-old your fire! Okay, hrm.
People at the door! That was a warning!
Go back inside and tell the others that
they now have one minute to surrender!
[The boys are in Mr. Mackey's bedroom. From outside, the boys
are seen looking out the window]
STAN
Oh no, we're out of time! Are you sure
you can do this, Butters?
BUTTERS
Wuh, no, I'm not sure. Uh-I'm not sure
at all. Wha-what am I doin' again?
STAN
We're just gonna slide you down this
rope, and then you've gotta get our
exclusive video to that reporter down
there.
BUTTERS
Tha-at sounds awful dangerous.
STAN
Can you hit a target, Pip?
PIP
I was archery-class esquire at Stratfordshire.
STAN
Hit something nice and solid now.
PIP
I think that's got it.
STAN
Nice job, Pip.
PIP
Did I do a nice job? Really?
STAN
Alright, Butters. Now it's your turn.
BUTTERS
Wha-ah I don't know about this, uh.
I think I'll reconsider. Yep uh I think
reconsiderin' is the thing to do right
now. Waaah! Gooh.
STAN
He made it down.
[Outside.]
GANZ
Alright, people, prepare to fire on
my command!
BUTTERS
Uhuh, Mr. Reporter, sir?
REPORTER
Huh?
BUTTERS
Uhuh wuhwe've got an eyewitness exclusive
video for you, sir.
[Inside, living room. Randy stands alone in the middle of the
crowd, despondent]
KYLE'S FATHER
Honey?
RANDY
God, everybody's looking at me. Everybody
knows.
KYLE'S FATHER
Everybody doesn't know. And why are
you so ashamed of me?
RANDY
What's happened to you?! You've become
all needy and talkative and-!
KYLE'S FATHER
I just want to know it meant something
to you.
RANDY
It didn't mean anything to me, Gerry!
All we did was watch each other masturbate
in the hot tub!
MAN IN BRIEFS
Aw, I was just in the hot tub.
RANDY
Yeah! Yeah, it's true! I thought it
would be exciting, and maybe it was,
but I can't deal with your accusing
stares! We watched each other jack
off in the hot tub! There! We did it!
I'm not proud of it, but there it is!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh. Well, it's not like you're the only
guy who's ever watched another guy masturbate;
I've done it.
NED
Mmm-me too.
MAN 1
Yeah, uh I've done it a few times.
MAN 2
Yep.
MAN 3
Yup.
MAN 4
Uh huh.
MAN 5
Me too.
MAN 6
Myeup, me too.
MAN 7
Yup.
JIMBO
Aw, hell, uh I've done it too. With
Cameron here.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, Juanita, could you fix some more
dip, please, Juanita?
RANDY
You mean it? I'm not gay?
JIMBO
Hwell... maybe a little. But we're all
a little gay.
RANDY
Oh, I feel so much better! Wow!
KYLE'S FATHER
So we're friends again?
RANDY
Uh, you bet we are, Gerry! I feel great!
I feel like I could take on the world!
Everything's gonna be okay!
[Outside. The Negotiator is rolled into placed and aimed once
more]
GANZ
Alright everyone, fire!
REPORTER
Hold on just a minute! This is Derek
Smalls reporting. We have just received
an exclusive video from inside the house
, proving that the people inside are
not cultists after all.
GANZ
Uh oh. Uh uh attention everyone! This
has only been a test. Good job, men,
on this, uh, simulation.
BLOND AGENT
Simulation?
GANZ
Sh. All is well. Do not shoot at
PIP
O-hoh, I believe we've saved the day!
GANZ
Woops.
ATF AGENT
Sir, this isn't gonna look good.
GANZ
You're right. Quick, let's get out of
here!
DEREK
Say, that was a fine piece of journalism,
boys.
DOUGIE
Wow, you mean that?
DEREK
Sure. Why, with your tape, I'll be able
to make millions and further my career
beyond my wildest dreams.
BUTTERS
Uhuh oh uh, uh hooray, then!
PIP
There. Angels, I must say I think we
did a smashing job.
BUTTERS
Uh we, we sure did. Why, we put the
fear of God in those ATF sons of guns,
I can tell ya.
STAN
But you know, I learned something today.
I used to call you guys Melvins. But
you're just kids, like me. We separate
you in school because you talk different
and you study too hard, but we've proven
tonight that we can all get along.
BUTTERS
Uh, so you mean we can stay friends,
Stan? Wouldn't that be swell, huh?
KYLE
Dude! I'm glad to see you. You would
not believe the night I had.
STAN
You?! You think you had a bad night?!
I had to hang out all night with these
friggin' Melvins!
KYLE
Hoh, dude, weak.
STAN
Super weak.
KYLE
Come on. I'll tell you all about what
happened to me.
[End of Two Guys Naked In A Hot Tub. Cher's mangled song plays.]
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