"TWO GUYS NAKED IN A HOTTUB"
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman
[The Marsh car, night, Randy's driving. He and Sheila take Stan
along with them. It seems Shelley has already been dropped off
at Cartman's house to babysit him.]
I don't want to go to this stupid party!
Come on, Stan, you're gonna have a great
No, you guys are gonna have a great
time! Whenever there's a party, the
adults get to hang out and have fun
while the kids spend the night locked
in the basement eating stale pretzels.
Well, your mom and I don't get out much,
so you'll just have to bear through
[The Mackey house. The Marshes arrive. Four other cars are there,
one of them double-parked. The house is festooned with stars
of various sizes, with two shooting stars among them. A banner
reads, "METEOR SHOWER PARTY" while a sign on the door reads "WELCOME
SKYWATCHERS." The Marshes reach the door and Randy rings the
bell. Mr. Mackey answers.]
Hello! Welcome, hmkay? This is already
a wild party, hm.
Yeah, well uh, sorry we had to bring
the kid along. We had nowhere else to
Oh, that's okay. I've got a special
kids' room down in the basement.
Be sure to help yourselves to the crab
soufflé, and uh, eh, Juanita? Juanita?
We need some more finger sandwiches?
[The basement. Mr. Mackey leads the family down the steps]
I don't wanna hang out in the kids'
room. I won't know anybody
Well, it would be good for you to make
new friends. You can't just hang out
with your buddy Kyle all the time. People
will think you guys are, you know, funny.
Now I bet you'll have a great time.
Here you go, it's right in here.
We'll be upstairs if you need anything,
Dad! You can't leave me here! These
guys are total Melvins!
You have fun, Stanley.
No! Mom, please! They're the geekiest
kids at our school!
We'll come get you kids when the meteor
Cheerio, Stahan. I do say it's quite
a nice surprise seeing you here.
Shut up, Pip.
Hey, Stan. Why I-I-I sure am glad you're
here, 'cause then we'll have even more
fun than we, why, than we was havin'
before. Why, we wuh, we were havin'
an awfully good time before you showed
up, too, however.
Butters, is there any way out of here?
Nope. No way out. Buh, but there ain't
nothin' upstairs but an old, stupid
party anyways. It's better down here
in the kids' room. Uh, this here is
Dougie. He's not too old, but he sure
is a hoot to hang with. Uhuh, he's in
first grade, I think.
I like math.
Oh my God.
We were just playing a game called Wickershams
and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you
are all little Wickershams We all sing
the merry tune of Stratford until I
yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall
down laughing, and I join you, as I
find it funny too. Stan, would you be
the Wickersham of Brumble Briar? And
all right, here we go. Whippy-tippy
Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. Whippy-tippy
[Upstairs. The party is well under way. Mr. Garrison walks up
to Mr. Mackey]
Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just
grabbed Principal Victoria's ass. No!
Mr. Hat, you get back here!
Anyone for some meteor mai tai punch?
It packs quite a whallop.
Oh, I'll pass. I don't drink hard alcohol.
Come on! Loosen up! Meteor showers
only come once in a great while.
One little drink isn't going to hurt
anything, honey. Come on, live a little.
Well, it is kind of a special night.
I guess I could... experiment.
[The basement. Pip, Butters, and Dougie continue with Wickershams
and Ducklers. Stan sits on the floor with his back to them, arms
wrapping his knees]
Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la.
Wickersham tally-ho ugh. Are you sure
you don't want to play, Stanley?
What are you? A sourpuss?
Uhuh, you uh really oughta play, Stan.
It's an awfully fun game. Ah I've never
been to England, but uh I'll bet the
people there are really nice. Are people
nice in England, Pip? I bet they are,
huh? They got those thick noses and
Hey, look at this!
Uh what is it? Is it something neat?
Uh I wonder what it could be.
It's a box filled with ladies' clothes.
Hey, you know what we could do with
these lady clothes, huh? Wuh-y why we
could play Charlie's Angels.
Oh, dude, you've gotta be kidding me.
Yes, let's! Can I be Jaclyn Smith?
No, uh I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See,
uh I thought of Charlie's Angels, and
I get to be Jaclyn Smith 'cause I thought
Oh, this sounds as much fun as Wickershams
and Ducklers! Come on, Angels. Let's
get dressed. Which ladies' garments
would you like, Stan?
Dude, I'm not putting on ladies' clothes,
and I'm not playing Charlie's Angels!
You guys are Melvins, and I'm not one
of you! So you go ahead and be Melvins,
and leave me alone!
Well. Alrighty then.
[The backyard. A hot tub sits just behind the house. Mr. Mackey
leads the Marshes and Broflovskis to it]
Here it is. I just had the hot tub put
in last week.
It looks quite inviting.
Yeah, you can get a lot of action when
you have a hot tub.
Oh Mr. Mackey, you nut.
Hell, we should get in.
Sure, go ahead. It's a-it's a party,
isn't it? Mkahy?
Oh, I'm not hot-tubbing. I have nothing
Hm huheh, that's okay.
No hot tob for me!
Well, screw you guys!
I'm getting in for a while, too. Geronimo!
Oh, look at our boys, Sheila. It's
just like they're in college again.
[The basement. The Angels are dressed and ready for action, but...]
Okay, Angels, what's our mission this
Well, I don't know what our mission
is. Do you know what our mission is,
little first-grade kid?
How should I know?
Oh, dear. We're Charlie's Angels, but
we don't have a mission.
Hey, that's because we need Bosley.
Uh Bosley always told the Angels what
their mission was. Remember Bosley?
Wah uhwhy uhwhy we need somebody to
Well, we hate to trouble you, Stan,
but would you mind terribly being Bosley
What do I have to do?
Uh you just got- you just gotta tell
us what our mission is, that's all.
That's all Bosley does. Just give a
mission, and us Angels will accomplish
Alright, alright. Here's your mission.
In ten minutes this room is gonna fill
up with water and drown everybody. You
have to find me a way out of this room,
Oh, that's a splendid mission!
Well, what are we waitin' for? We've
gotta find a way out of this room, by
golly, or else we're gonna get drowned.
Come on, Angels!
Which Angel am I again?
[The hot tub. Gerald and Randy relax in its bubbling warmth]
Oh boy, it's nice to have a night out
without the kids, huh?
Yeah, I know what yuu mean.
I love havin' a family and all. I just...
miss being able to party. Drinking and
socializing, and experimenting with
all kinds of different things.
Well, that's what being young is all
about. Once you have a family and a
career, your experimenting days are
over. But tonight is the exception;
that's why I'm gonna smoke this cigar.
Only 'cause I've never smoked before.
What haven't you tried that you've always
wanted to try?
Hohn. Um, I don't know. Maybe I'll
drink a few more beers and see where
the party takes me.
Yeah! ...Was that your leg?
Huh? Oh, you mean, this?
Yeah. That, that was me.
[The basement. Pip rushes up to Stan]
Oh no no no. My name is Sabrina Duncan.
Remember? We're playing Charlie's Angels.
What the hell do you want?!
Well, we've completed our mission. Jill
found a way upstairs.
Dougie pushed that big box out of the
way and found this old ventilation duct.
And I reckon it's got to lead somewhere,
and and it's good 'cause, uh 'cause
now we won't drown.
So Bosley, what's our next mission?
We're going upstairs.
Upstairs? Uhwhy why there's ain't nothin'
upstairs but adults. Uhwhy would we
want to go upstairs for?
Because, you stupid Melvins, they have
rad food and desserts upstairs!
[The hot tub]
Hey, did you see Principal Victoria
in there? She looks hot.
She sure does. I wouldn't mind takin'
O-hoh, yehah, I'm sure your wife would
I wish. That's the one thing I've always
thought of experimenting with. A threesome
With two girls or two guys?
Huh, well, two girls, of course! I mean
...with another guy, you know, that'd
You, you never have a homosexual fantasy?
Not that I have.
No, I mean... Well, they say everybody
has at some point, don't they?
Well, I never really wanted to experiment
with anything too crazy. You know... maybe
just... I don't know... masturbate in front
of another guy.
Yeah well, that, that's not really ...gay,
NO, no, uh I don't think so.
...Well it is a night for experimenting.
Okay, I'll start.
[some activity is going on out on the street. Someone is looking
at the house through night-vision scopes and taking snapshots.
One of those shots is of Liane talking to her son over the phone.
Five ATF agents are now seen looking at the house from across
This must be the place. They've got
all kinds of crazy stuff going on in
Code 7. We believe we have found the
compound. Request immediate backup.
Okay, so just what is going on here,
It's just like we told you, officer!
There's a religious cult in there that
plans to commit mass suicide when the
meteor shower starts.
Are you sure?
Of course we're sure! We're the Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms! It's
our job to know what these fanatics
So what does the ATF do when religious
fanatics are gonna commit mass suicide?
Oh, don't worry! We won't let that happen!
Even if it means we have to kill each
and every one of them.
[Out front, later. ATF trucks and tanks roll in and more agents
What's the situation?
Apparently, we've got at least five
dozen men and women in there who intend
to commit suicide when the meteor shower
Any luck talking to somebody in the
We've tried calling, but there's no
answer. I think we're gonna have to
move in, sir.
I'm sending you in. Watch your ass.
[The Mackey house, living room. Johnson now looks around the
living room, but no one seems to be alarmed at his presence.
Mr. Mackey's face soon fills the view]
Oh, come on in. Join the party, mkay?
Would you like a meteor mai tai?
Heeey, I love mai tais!
[The living room, at the ventilation duct. Stan leads the others
We did it! Great job, Angels!
So what's our mission now, huh Bosley?
Uh wha what do you want us to do now,
Alright, Angels. Uh, your next job
is to get Bosley some cookies and a
What kind of cookies do you want, Bosley?
I don't care, just hurry!
[The deck. Gerald and Randy have left the hot tub and are getting
dressed. Things get awkward]
So uh. Well. That was certainly... interesting.
Uh, you don't regret doing it now, do
No no. ...Wuh what's there to regret,
right? I mean..., all we did was watch
each other ...masturbate. That's that's
not gay or anything. We said so, right?
Thuh that's right. Ir's just harmless
Well, let's get back into the party
and see what everyone is doing.
Hey. Nothing changes between us, right?
I mean, we're still friends.
Um... Yeah yeah sure sure.
[Outside, the ATF agents are armed and ready to fire. The lead
agent reviews the situation inside with his scopes]
Damnit, where is Johnson?!
No communication, sir. It doesn't look
good for him.
[Inside. Johnson is dancing away. A couple is about to leave
Great party, Mr. Mackey. Thank you so
Well, are you sure you have to leave
We both have to be up early tomorrow,
but thanks again.
Mkay. Drive carefully, mkay?
[Outside, The couple walks a few steps before two spotlights
stop them in their tracks]
Hold it right there! Whatever it is
you are intending to do, do not do it!
Your freaky religious cult will not
succeed in its plan!
Do not move, or we will be forced to
shoot- God damnit, who was that?!
Did you see them move?!
Yeah, they moved alright.
[Inside, several men gather around Jimbo and Randy.]
Well, I tell you what: we may not have
Elway this year, but Brister won every
game he started in last year.
Eh that's true, but Elway was the heart
of the team. Who's the leader now?
I think the Jets are gonna be the team
to beat this year in the AFC.
Yeah. Hey uh, if you watch another guy
masturbate, does that make you gay?
Well I just... I have this buddy, uh,
he, sat and watched another guy ...play
Well... Let's go kick his ass!
Where is he?!
Oh he, he lives in, like, Florida.
Hey, Randy. What are you doing?
Nothing. Uh. I'm gonna go get some
Can I come with you?
[Mackey's bedroom. Butters leads Stan inside]
Come right on in here, Bosley. Huhwell,
it was my idea. Uh I got to thinkin',
"Wuh, where do people keep TV sets?"
and then I remembered that lots of grownups
have TV's ih in their bedrooms. So,
so I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom
and er and sure enough, here it was.
Okay, Bosley, we got you cookies and
a TV set. So what's our next mission?
There are no more missions. I have everything
Wwe ain't got no more missions? Uhwhawhat
are we supposed to do? We're Angels.
Whawhat do Angels do without a mission?
Just... play something else! God!
Oh dear. We've angered Bosley.
Tom, I'm standing in front of a house
where a religious cult is planning to
commit mass suicide when the meteor
I wanna be a reporter someday.
Just moments ago, a couple emerged from
the house. According to the ATF, the
couple refused to cooperate, then pulled
out very big guns and started shooting
everyone. The ATF had no choice but
to shoot the insane couple, and now
a standoff has ensued.
Oh, looks like that cult is about to
be blown into tiny bits.
The ATF commander tells us that he has
reason to believe there may be children
inside and that they are the primary
concern of all. There are choppers here
along with several tanks. The commander
is very concerned about what the mood
Wait a minute Oh my God! Dude! That's
this house. They think our parents are
the religious cult!
Do you think someday I can be a reporter?
We just received a photo from the recon
team of the action inside the house
showing eveidence that there are indeed
innocent children trapped inside. Those
sick cult fanatic bastards!
Hey, uhour parents aren't religious
fantastics. Why, we gotta tell them
that they're makin' an awful mistake,
Yes. Come on, Angels. Looks like we
have a new mission.
[The living room. Everyone is carrying on, drinking and dancing,
oblivious to the commotion outside. Randy sits on the sofa, his
hands to his eyes, his mind in turmoil. Gerald walks up to him]
Randy, you're making me feel unimportant.
Talk. Talk, damn you.
I'm just having a hard time with what
we did in the hot tub.
So, so now we can't be friends?
I didn't say that. I mean, I don't know,
I... I just feel so strange. I know it's
ridiculous, but I can't help feeling
like people here know. You know? Like,
even though nobody could know, 'cause
we said we'd never tell anybody.
We said we'd never tell anybody?
Well, of course we wouldn't.
Oh, uh I didn't realize that.
Yuh... You didn't ...tell anybody, did
Well, uh uh a few people, yeah.
What?! Why the hell would you do that?!
You didn't say not to tell anyone.
Well, of course! I thought it would
be implied! When you masturbate with
another guy in a hot tub, you assume
that nobody is gonna tell anybody!
Listen to you. You're yelling at me;
you've never yelled at me before.
Hey you guys! We've got a big problem!
The ATF is outside and they think you're
all a religious cult. You've gotta go
talk to them.
Huh how come they're actin' that way,
Stan, huh? Uh how come they're laughin'
and fallin' down and such?
Mom, go look outside.
Mommy's little boopie-kins
Uh let me handle this, Stan. Uh now
l-listen up and listne good, everyone!
Why, I'm awful disappointed in you drinkin'
and carryin' on this way! Why you uhyou
should be ashamed of yourselves! Uh
if you don't get outside right now,
and tell those army guys you're not
religious fantastics, there's, why there's
gonna be heck to pay. Uh, heck, I tell
Come on, we're gonna have to go tell
[Outside. The boys step out, the ATF agents reload, and the door
closes. The spotlights come on and the commander takes up the
Lay down your weapons!
We don't have any weapons.
Go back inside and tell everyone that
they are surrounded! Tell them to come
out peacefully, and we will not shoot
Get back inside!
I don't think they're gonna come out.
Use the Ganz technique.
What's the Ganz techique?
This is what we did in Waco. Play really
bad music really loud until it drives
them nuts and makes them want to come
out. Nobody can stand this much Cher.
This is her new album. If this doesn't
drive them out, nothing will.
[Living room, the stereo. Mr. Mackey turns on the very same song
and starts dancing to it]
That's great music, Mr. Mackey. What
Uh this is Cher. This is her new album.
Well, hell, turn it up.
[Living room, away from the stereo. Randy is walking around.
Two men talk in the foreground]
Yeah, well, you know what I heard? I
I heard that he's gay.
Oh, is he?
Who who did you hear is, is gay?!
Ricky Martin, the singer.
Hey, Randy, what's up?
What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
Ssh-shouldn't you be hangin' out with
your wife right now?
Wulluh uh I just felt like talkin' to
There's nothing to talk about.
You're having regrets, aren't you?
No, I-... I don't know.
Hey. Talk to me.
I thought we agreed what happened in
the hot tub wouldn't change our relationship.
Will you stop it?! I don't... I just...
Hey, Mr. Withdrawn, you might not need
to talk about it, but I sure do.
Aaww! Sharon? Sharon, cuh can we go?
Go?? The meteor shower hasn't even
Uh I know, but I want to make love
to you right now. I have to make love
to you right now.
Randy, relax. We don't ever get to party.
Now come on! Loosen up! Experiment!
Ogh, I already did.
Dad! Dad, they shot at us.
Not now, Stanley.
Hey, what are we gonna do, huh?! Ughuh
uh they shot at us! They really shot
at us! They, they ain't gonna stop until
we're all dead, I betcha. Huh us and
all our families.
Get ahold of yourself, man!
How come you slapped my face, Stan,
huh? Why uhwhy on earth would you do
Come on. We have to find out what's
[Mackey's bedroom. The boys enter and check out the news again.]
I'm standing now with Danny Ganz, the
commander of the ATF. Commander, what
is the latest?
We have not had any cooperation with
the cult inside the house. They are
refusing to come out, and apparently
they still plan to commit mass suicide
once the meteor shower starts, which
should be any moment now.
See how reporters get to wear those
cool jackets? That's why I wanna be
So what are your plans, commander?
Right now, our plan is to burn the house
down. If we set it on fire, they'll
have no choice but to come out.
Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on
fire. Uhoh, great Jesus, son of Mary,
wife of Joseph, what are we gonna do,
huh? Huhoh, sweet Joseph, husband of
Mary but not father of sweet Jesus-
Setting them on fire seems a little
It is, but we can't let them kill themselves.
We have to let them know that this isn't
a cult party.
But we can't. They'll just shoot at
Uhuh, they're gonna burn us up and act
like nothin' happened. Oh, sweet Jesus,
Mary, mother of Jesus, wife of Joseph,
father to Mary, well- Wait. Mary, wife
uh... Oh, hold on.
Come on, Angels. We've got a new mission.
And this time, it's for real.
[Outside. The reporter continues]
For hours now, the ATF has tried to
communicate with the religious fanatics
inside this house. The meteor shower
is expected to begin at any moment,
and so time is running out.
[Inside, the party continues.]
Hoh, look. Harold's doing it again,
hm huh hnmkay?
This is Jill Munroe reporting live from
inside the meteor shower party. As
youu can see, this is a perfectly normal
party. Nobody is killing themselves.
We tried to tell ATF people, but they
shot at us. Anything else?
Tell them not to burn us down.
Oh yeah. Don't burn us, please. Jill
Munroe, GFN news.
Now what do we do?
Now we find a way to get this tape
to the real reporters.
Hey, I'm a real reporter.
You're right. You are, Dougie. You did
an awesome job.
[Outside, Ganz is back behind the firing line with the bullhorn]
Attention, cult people! Do not commit
mass suicide! There are so many reasons
not to kill yourselves! Flowers, for
instance. And backrobs. Alright, I'm
through trying to reason with them.
Send in the Negotiator!
Excuse me, but what proof do you have
that those people inside are religious
We know what we're doing. We did this
all before in Waco.
Uh yes, but you totally screwed up Waco.
You killed a bunch of innocent people
and then tried to say they killed themselves.
Look. You see this? You see this?
You see it? You see it? Go get it.
Go get it! Alright, let's get ready
to kick some religious fanatic ass!
[Inside. Randy is scarfing down some nachos at the snack table,
and Gerald approaches him. Randy sees him and gives him the evil
eye, then moves to the mai tai bowl. Gerald follows. Randy glowers
Having a good time?
Yeah, swell! Could I just... have a few
I'm not gonna let you change on me,
Randy. Just because we shared an intimate
moment in the hot tub, I won't let it
change our friend-
We did not share an intimate moment,
okay?! That makes it sound gay!
[Outside. The front door opens and six guests exit]
Good night, everyone.
Look out! Ho-old your fire! Okay, hrm.
People at the door! That was a warning!
Go back inside and tell the others that
they now have one minute to surrender!
[The boys are in Mr. Mackey's bedroom. From outside, the boys
are seen looking out the window]
Oh no, we're out of time! Are you sure
you can do this, Butters?
Wuh, no, I'm not sure. Uh-I'm not sure
at all. Wha-what am I doin' again?
We're just gonna slide you down this
rope, and then you've gotta get our
exclusive video to that reporter down
Tha-at sounds awful dangerous.
Can you hit a target, Pip?
I was archery-class esquire at Stratfordshire.
Hit something nice and solid now.
I think that's got it.
Nice job, Pip.
Did I do a nice job? Really?
Alright, Butters. Now it's your turn.
Wha-ah I don't know about this, uh.
I think I'll reconsider. Yep uh I think
reconsiderin' is the thing to do right
now. Waaah! Gooh.
He made it down.
Alright, people, prepare to fire on
Uhuh, Mr. Reporter, sir?
Uhuh wuhwe've got an eyewitness exclusive
video for you, sir.
[Inside, living room. Randy stands alone in the middle of the
God, everybody's looking at me. Everybody
Everybody doesn't know. And why are
you so ashamed of me?
What's happened to you?! You've become
all needy and talkative and-!
I just want to know it meant something
It didn't mean anything to me, Gerry!
All we did was watch each other masturbate
in the hot tub!
MAN IN BRIEFS
Aw, I was just in the hot tub.
Yeah! Yeah, it's true! I thought it
would be exciting, and maybe it was,
but I can't deal with your accusing
stares! We watched each other jack
off in the hot tub! There! We did it!
I'm not proud of it, but there it is!
Uh. Well, it's not like you're the only
guy who's ever watched another guy masturbate;
I've done it.
Yeah, uh I've done it a few times.
Myeup, me too.
Aw, hell, uh I've done it too. With
Uh, Juanita, could you fix some more
dip, please, Juanita?
You mean it? I'm not gay?
Hwell... maybe a little. But we're all
a little gay.
Oh, I feel so much better! Wow!
So we're friends again?
Uh, you bet we are, Gerry! I feel great!
I feel like I could take on the world!
Everything's gonna be okay!
[Outside. The Negotiator is rolled into placed and aimed once
Alright everyone, fire!
Hold on just a minute! This is Derek
Smalls reporting. We have just received
an exclusive video from inside the house
, proving that the people inside are
not cultists after all.
Uh oh. Uh uh attention everyone! This
has only been a test. Good job, men,
on this, uh, simulation.
Sh. All is well. Do not shoot at
O-hoh, I believe we've saved the day!
Sir, this isn't gonna look good.
You're right. Quick, let's get out of
Say, that was a fine piece of journalism,
Wow, you mean that?
Sure. Why, with your tape, I'll be able
to make millions and further my career
beyond my wildest dreams.
Uhuh oh uh, uh hooray, then!
There. Angels, I must say I think we
did a smashing job.
Uh we, we sure did. Why, we put the
fear of God in those ATF sons of guns,
I can tell ya.
But you know, I learned something today.
I used to call you guys Melvins. But
you're just kids, like me. We separate
you in school because you talk different
and you study too hard, but we've proven
tonight that we can all get along.
Uh, so you mean we can stay friends,
Stan? Wouldn't that be swell, huh?
Dude! I'm glad to see you. You would
not believe the night I had.
You?! You think you had a bad night?!
I had to hang out all night with these
Hoh, dude, weak.
Come on. I'll tell you all about what
happened to me.
[End of Two Guys Naked In A Hot Tub. Cher's mangled song plays.]