"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 903
"WING"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day. Class is in session. The kids are
chattering when Mrs. Garrison gets their attention]
MRS. GARRISON
Children, children, we have a very special
announcement. Your classmate, Token,
has just returned from winning the Colorado
Child Star Contest with his incredible
singing! Well let's give him a hand!
STAN
Token sings?
CARTMAN
Of course he sings. He's black.
MRS. GARRISON
Token is going to sing in front of a
huge audience at the Miss Colorado Pageant
in Denver. And for doing it he's gonna
be paid two hundred dollars.
CLASS
Whoa!
STAN
Two hundred dollars.
MRS. GARRISON
Now of course, as a woman, I'm a bit
against those chauvinistic pageants,
but I hope that you children take a
moment today to congratulate Token for
being so special.
[South Park Elementary, lunchtime. Stan and friends sit at a
table just outside the school kitchen. They're deep in thought]
STAN
Wow, two hundred dollars. Can you imagine?
KYLE
How come we never get opportunities
like that?
CARTMAN
You wanna know what it is, guys?
KYLE
We're not talented?
CARTMAN
That's right. We're not talented. See,
we're not the artistic side, we're the
thinking side.
STAN
Yeah. We're too smart to be talented.
CARTMAN
Wait, you guys! I just had an amazing
idea. Token is going right to the top,
right. I mean, he's gonna be a huge
star.
KYLE
Probably.
CARTMAN
So, why shouldn't we get some of that
money? We can be Token's agents. That
way, we get ten percent of whatever
he makes!
STAN
Hey yeah! We deserve that money just
as much as he does.
CARTMAN
We just need a really kickass office
and some nice suits. A and a fountain
in our lobby. All top agencies have
fountains in their lobbies. We gotta
make Token think he needs us, when actually
he doesn't need us at all.
[MONTAGE
Cartman tries out his suit in front
of a full-length mirror in his room.
Stan and Kyle try out suits in Kyle's
room. Next, the boys are in a department
store purchasing cell phones at Bull's
Eye. Next, Stan and Kyle carry an executive
desk into the new office. Next, Cartman
and Kenny steal a fountain from somebody's
backyard. Next, flyers for the new agency,
Super Awesome Talent Agency, are printed
out. Next, the boys are at a copy center
to get some business cards. Next, Cartman
and Kyle set up signs around town. Next,
the finished office is shown... in Cartman's
basement. The four boys congratulate
each other for a job well donw.]
[South Park, day. Token walks by one of the signs the boys drew
up. He notices it and stops to read it. The boys hide around
the corner. Stan peaks around the corner.]
STAN
He's looking at the sign.
CARTMAN
Perfect! All right, you guys get back
to the office, I'll bring Token there.
STAN
All right.
CARTMAN
Wait a minute! You guys, this is very
important: when I bring Token back to
the office, have Kenny hide in another
room, and call the phone on my desk.
KYLE
Why?
CARTMAN
Because I'll answer and pretend I'm
talking to somebody super famous and
important. When Token sees that, maybe
he'll think we're legit.
STAN
It's genius.
CARTMAN
Okay, go go, here he comes. Yeah?
Well then tell him we're just not interested.
Oh hey, Token! Buddy, my man, what
is up?!
TOKEN
Nothin'
CARTMAN
Hey, you know, I heard you were doing
some thing down in Denver tomorrow night.
TOKEN
Yeah.
CARTMAN
Yeah I don't know if I ever told you
this before, but I'm actually an agent
over at the Super Awesome Talent Agency.
You may have seen our ads around town.
Anyway, why don't you come down to the
office, Token? Maybe I can convince
the company to represent you.
TOKEN
I'm supposed to be home by 3:30.
CARTMAN
This will only take a second.
[Cartman's basement - er, Super Awesome Talent Agency. Cartman
takes Token down the stairs and onto the agency floor]
CARTMAN
Welcome to our offices, Token. As you
can see, we are quite a successful company.
Did you notice the fountain? Pretty
nice, hm? Come on over this way, Token.
Guys, you remember Token. He's thinking
about becoming a client.
STAN
Oohhhh Token. Right, yeah, you're makin'
a smart move, man.
CARTMAN
Now, Token, I I know what you're saying
to yourself: You're saying, "Hey, why
do I need an agency? Why should I give
them ten percent?" Right?
TOKEN
...Yeah?
CARTMAN
Token, the truth is that without representation,
you in danger of being taken advantage
of. Uh uh, excuse me just a second,
Token. Super Awesome Talent Agency.
Oh yes, hello! How are you, Abraham
Lincoln? Yeahh, yeah, no, I'm happy
you called, Abraham Lincoln. I'm just
sort of in the middle of something right
now.
KYLE
Can I talk to you?!
CARTMAN
I'll I'll call you back, Abe.
KYLE
What the hell are you doing?!
CARTMAN
I'm making it look like important people
call us.
KYLE
Abraham Lincoln has been dead for two
hundred years!
CARTMAN
...well Token doesn't know that.
KYLE
Yes he does!
CARTMAN
How?!
KYLE
Token actually pays attention in school!
Unlike you, fatass!
CARTMAN
Jew!
STAN
You guys, we're gonna lose our client.
CARTMAN
Yes, yes, I think that's a good idea,
guys. Let's give Michael Jordan a call
about that. Ah, now, where were we?
TOKEN
We were at why I should give you ten
percent.
STAN
Look, Token, here's the bottom line.
You're gonna start having a lot of offers
comin' at you from all directions. A
media storm is about to hit you and
you can't handle it on your own. Nobody
can.
KYLE
Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Hootie...
They all have agents. You need somebody
to manage it all for you.
STAN
This thing in Denver is is just the
crust, Token. With our support, you
can have the whole pie.
TOKEN
Well, I guess that makes sense. All
right.
CARTMAN
Uh if... we could just get you to sign
right here?
KYLE
Welcome to the team, Token.
STAN
Ah Kenny, Token just signed with us!
KENNY
(Hey, terrific!)
CARTMAN
From now on, we are an entertainment
team, Token. You just do all the singing,
all the performing and all the entertaining,and
leave the rest to us.
[Denver Convention Center, night. The Miss Colorado Pageant is
underway]
MC
And there are your finalists, the sixteen
most beautiful women in Colorado. Here
to sing for our sixteen lucky finalists,
the winner of the Colorado Child Star
Contest, Token Black.
TOKEN
You'll never find...
As long as you live...
Someone who loves you...
Tender like I do...
MAN
Wow, he's really great. We should get
him to sing at Tommy's bar mitzvah
STAN
Oh, you're interested in hiring our
client?
CARTMAN
We represent Token. Give us a call,
we'll work out a deal.
TOKEN
Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby
But I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else! No-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else.
MRS. GARRISON
Just between us girls, nothin' gets
my vadge wetter than a black man singing.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Mr. Garrison, for the love of God.
TOKEN
... (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove.
[Denver Convention Center, after the show, outside. The boys
walk out with Token, who's counting the cash he earned.]
STAN
You were awesome, Token!
KYLE
We knew you could do it!
CARTMAN
Two hundred dollars, Token, that's great!
And ten percent of two hundred is...
KYLE
Twenty dollars.
TOKEN
Here you go.
KENNY
(All right!)
CARTMAN
Sweet!
STAN
This is just the beginning. I bet we
start to see all kinds of offers comin'
in for Token now.
AGENT
Hey there my man, that was a great
performance.
TOKEN
Thanks.
AGENT
Don Heisman, Creative Arts Agency in
Los Angeles. I think you've got real
promise. How'd you like to sign with
CAA?
TOKEN
Are you serious??
STAN
Uh excuse me, Token already has representation.
CARTMAN
You may have heard of Super Awesome
Talent Agency.
DON
Mm, no. Uh, look, Token, there's some
shows in LA we wanna book you on right
away. If you come out to my limo we
can talk everything through.
TOKEN
Oh my God! Okay!
CARTMAN
Token, you signed with us!
TOKEN
Oh, come on, guys. You have to see what
a huge opportunity this is for me.
CARTMAN
What?! Uh they're not so great! They
probably don't have a fountain in their
lobby!
DON
Actually, our fountain is two stories
tall.
CARTMAN
...Oooo...
DON
Come on, Token, we have a lot to talk
about.
KYLE
Mister, you can't do this to us!
DON
Sorry kids, nature of the business,
you know? Do you like steak, Token?
I know a great place for you locally.
CARTMAN
...Goddamnit!
[Super Awesome Talent Agency, day. The boys sit around a table
trying to come up with other ways of attracting potential clients.
Kenny relaxes on the sofa]
STAN
So unfair... so unfair.
KYLE
All that time and effort we spent helping
Token and this is the thanks we get?!
CARTMAN
This just goes to show that hard work
doesn't pay off! I'm gonna be a homeless
addict from now on!
MR. KIM
Ahh hello, is this the Talent Agency
STAN
Huh?
MR. KIM
I see this sign on the street for a
talent agency? I need a representation.
Hey, wowee, nice fountain.
STAN
You were looking for a talent agent?
MR. KIM
No, not me, my wife. This is Wing.
She just come over from China. She
over here uh irregarry. The Chinese
Mafia help me out.
STAN
And what does she do?
MR. KIM
Ah, she sing. She very popular in China.
Hey, you just sit and listen. You'll
be very impressed. Well? What you think?
STAN
Uh, we're sorry dude, but getting her
career off the ground would take too
much work for us.
MR. KIM
Aww, that's too bad. She just got accepted
to be on American Idol in Ros Angeres,
but I can't take her 'cause I have to
mind the restaurant.
CARTMAN
You've ...already done all the work?
MR. KIM
Yes. They say it pays a thousand dowrar.
KYLE
Sir, we would love to sign your wife.
STAN
Yeah!
MR. KIM
Rearry?
CARTMAN
We'll go to LA with your wife. All she
has to do is go on the show, do all
the performing, make all the money,
and leave the rest to us.
[City Wok, night. The phone rings.]
MR. KIM
Shitty Wok, take your order prease.
[City Wok, night. The phone rings.]
STAN
Hi, Mr. Lu Kim? Uh hi, it's Wing's agents.
Everything's fine, yeah, but we're supposed
to arrive in Los Angeles in about four
hours. Listen, does your wife ever eat?
Or anything?
MR. KIM
Oh, don't worry about her. She a very
dericate little flower. See, she don't
need to eat much.
STAN
Uhh, all right. We'll call you after
she goes on TV.
MR. KIM
Okay, bye. Oh oh wait! Can I talk to
my wife, please?
STAN
Uh sure, here she is. Okay, finarry
everything rookin' up for me and my
family. Welcome to Shitty Wok, take
your order prease? Aw crap, Chinese
Mafia! Aaaaahh!
TONG LEADER
Mr. Ru Kim, it appears we have a problem.
MR. KIM
Oh, a problem? Rearry?
TONG LEADER
We smuggled your wife into the United
States for you. You were to pay us ten
thousand dollars for that service. Yet,
we have yet to be paid.
MR. KIM
We... we working on it! She, she got
tarent agent! She's about to make a
whole lotta money!
TONG LEADER
It's too late for that, Mr. Kim. Your
wife is now our property. We're taking
her to Los Angeles, where she will work
in massage parlor.until she works off
the debt.
MR. KIM
No, she... she not here! Prease, just
give me a little more time! Agh!
TONG LEADER
Where is she?!
MR. KIM
She... she in Arabama.
TONG LEADER
You're lying. Turn him around!
MR. KIM
Yah, wah, aaaah!
TONG LEADER
You don't wanna tell us where she is?
All right. Puh la! Ching ga wai pan!
MR. KIM
Ahhh! My shitty chicken! Nooo, the
shitty beef! No! No wait! Prease! Stop!
Prease! Not the shitty shrimp.
TONG LEADER
Tell us where to find her, Ru Kim! You
have no choice.
MR. KIM
She... she go to Ros Angeres with her
agents! She gonna be on American Idol.
[Hollywood, day. A view of the Hollywood sign from a location
above a main thoroughfare]
[A major studio. The boys walk among the various studios - Studio
21, Studio 22, Studio 23...]
STAN
There it is! American Idol constestants!
KYLE
Jesus, we made it just in time!
CARTMAN
Excuse us!
CONTESTANT
Hey kid, what do you think you're doing?
STAN
Ah our client has an audition to this
show.
CONTESTANT
Yeah. So do we!
KYLE
Oh crap!
CARTMAN
Dude, how long is the wait?
CONTESTANT 2
It's been about seventeen days for me.
STAN
Oh no, nonono, come on! Excuse me,
ma'am.
ATTENDANT
Wait in line with everyone else.
STAN
No, I don't think you understand. We're
here with Wing. That's right, the Wing.
KYLE
Ma'am, we are a very important talent
agency. If your producers knew you were
forcing people of our stature to the
back of the line, well-
CARTMAN
Brrr brrr! Brrr brrr! Oh, excuse me,
everyone. That's my cell phone. Hello?
Oh yes, hi, Colonel Sanders! Yes, I'm
doing great, but you know, heh, someone
at American Idol doesn't know who Wing
is.
KYLE
Aw, just forget it!
CARTMAN
Eh eh, you're right, Colonel Sanders!
You shouldn't give her any more chicken.
KYLE
Goddamnit! Goddamnit!
STAN
We can't wait in line! We have to be
in school on Monday!
CARTMAN
Stupid assholes!
AGENT
What do you mean your client isn't coming?!
We're taping the show tomorrow! Where
am I goin' to find another contestant?
Fine! Go screw yourself!
KYLE
Ahh-d, excuse me, sir, did I hear you
say you needed somebody for your show?
STAN
We have someone who's ready to go on
TV right away!
AGENT
Really?
CARTMAN
Is there a cash prize involved in your
show as well?
AGENT
Well yeah, winner gets a thousand dollars.
STAN
All right, our client will do it!
AGENT
Great! You kids just saved my ass! See
you over at Stage 6.
KYLE
Hey, is your show as good as America
Idol?
AGENT
Naw, this is better. It's called The
Contender.
STAN
What's "The Contender"?
[The Contender commercial]
ANNOUNCER
Tonight, two people will compete for
glory. One will stay, one will go home,
in the new hit show by Sylvester Stallone.
STALLONE
Hello.
ANNOUNCER
The Contender!
[The Contender taping]
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The
Contender! Fighting out of the red corner,
wearing blue and white trunks, the Destructor
from Del Fuego, Mexico, Manuelo Furrrrnanda!
STALLONE
Le's go! Le's see a good fight!
ANNOUNCER
And fighting out of the blue corner,
wearing a gorgeous floral-pattern silk
dress, Wing!
CARTMAN
Come on, Wing!
KYLE
Let's do it Wing!
STAN
Brint it on Wing!
STALLONE
Aw yeah!
THE BOYS
Awww!
KYLE
Oh my God, dude!
CARTMAN
She's got a hell of a chin on her, I'll
give her that.
THE BOYS
Awww!
CARTMAN
Gay.
[Stage 6, day. The boys stand outside the stage with cups in
their hands]
STAN
Anyone? Help four boys and a Chinese
woman get back to Colorado?
CARTMAN
Your gift of hope is a great deduction.
STALLONE
Hey kid!
PRODUCER
Mr. Stallone says he's sorry it couldn't
go better for you back there.
STAN
Oh, thanks.
STALLONE
Yo kid.
PRODUCER
Mr. Stallone thinks your singer has
a lot of talent. He really likes her
voice. You know, the way she vocalizes
the melody, it brings tears to his
eyes.
CARTMAN
Thanks, Mr. Stallone. We're just sorry
she wasn't a better boxer.
PRODUCER
Uh, Mr. Stallone wants Wing to sing
at his son's wedding.
STAN
You do??
PRODUCER
He'll pay her four thousand dollars.
CARTMAN
Four thousand dollars??
PRODUCER
Be at this address tomorrow 2 p.m.
sharp. And don't be late.
STAN
We won't!
STAN, CARTMAN
Waaaaah!
STAN
You guys, you guys!
KYLE
What?
STAN
Sylverster Stallone wants Wing to sing
at his son's wedding tomorrow! He's
gonna pay her four thousand dollars!
KENNY
(What?!)
KYLE
Get out!
CARTMAN
That's four hundred for us! We did it!
KYLE
Woohoo! Yeah!
STAN
Yeah!
CARTMAN
Who let the dogs out?
THE BOYS
Who? Who? Who who?
CARTMAN
Who let the dogs out?
THE BOYS
Who? Who? Who who?
CARTMAN
Who let-?
STAN
Whoa whoa, wait, wait. ...where's Wing?
KYLE
What do you mean? We thought she was
with you.
CARTMAN
Naw, sh-she was with you!
STAN
...Oh Jesus Christ. If that big CAA
talent agency finds out she has work,
they're gonna try to steal her away
from us again.
CARTMAN
Wing? Wing??
KYLE
Wing?
CARTMAN
Wing? Here, Wing!
KYLE
Wing?
KENNY
(Wing?)
TONG LEADER
You thought you could run from us, did
you?
STAN
Oh no! Hey! That's our client!
KYLE
They did it to us again! That dirty
talent agency stole our client again!
CARTMAN
Not this time! They dropped their card.
Now we know where CAA Talent Agency
is! We're gonna march in there, and
get our client back.
[A crisp clear night under a bright moon. The camera pans down
and rests on a hilltop mansion]
TONG LEADER
You see, Mrs. Kim, when you made a
deal with us, you signed your life away.
Yes, we help Chinese citizens sneak
into the U.S., but when they get here,
they become our slaves. It's an age-old
business, and nobody has the guts to
stop us.
STAN
Two four nine all right, this is the
place.
KYLE
Damn, CAA is pretty impressive.
CARTMAN
Of course it's impressive! They steal
everyone else's clients!
GUARD 1
"It's just four little boys"
CARTMAN
Yeah, whatever. You can suck our balls.
[The mansion, inside. The boys walk through a long, lavish hallway]
STAN
Hello? We want to talk to somebody right
now!
CARTMAN
Oh my God, you guys. Look! They do
have an amazing fountain.
KYLE
You assholes stole our client! How about
some Goddamn business ethics?!
STAN
You tell 'em, Kyle!
KYLE
You think you own the entertainment
business, but you don't! Give us back
Wing, RIGHT NOW!
STAN
Jesus, they really want Wing as their
client!
TONG LEADER
What the hell is that?! Go! Go!
KYLE
Dude, maybe we should give up!
STAN
No! Screw that, dude! If we keep letting
CAA take all our clients, we're never
gonna make it as talent agents!
CARTMAN
Yeah, if these talent agents wanna play
rouch, we can play rought too!
KYLE
Cartman!
CARTMAN
Do you wanna play rough?! Okay! Take
this!
STAN
We've gotta split up and find Wing!
You and Kenny go that way!
KYLE
Wing??
[Two guards fire away. Kyle and Kenny duck and cover themselves,
and two guards coming up behind them are killed. Cartman and
Stan go down a hallway, with Cartman firing at everything in
sight. Two guards follow them and fire away. Kyle finds shelter
behind a red sofa tattered from the gunfire, but Kenny isn't
with him]
KYLE
Stupid talent agents!
[Kyle looks up from behind the sofa and throws the car towards
the gunmen. One of them slips on it and flies out a window, the
other slips on it and falls back onto the mansion's fuse box.
He gets electrocuted]
KYLE
All right, Kenny, let's go! Kenny?
Kenny! Don't worry, Kenny. You didn't
die for nothing. We're gonna get Wing
back as our client and... and make a
ton of money! I swear it to you!
[Kyle hugs Kenny again. Cartman and Stan enter the room where
Wing is being held. Cartman again opens fire and three guards
fire back. Kyle enters the room with his own gun and fires at
the guards]
KYLE
They killed Kenny!
STAN
You bastards!
TONG LEADER
Enough! I have a lot of respect for
you boys finding your way in here. But
you come any closer and I'll blow her
brains out.
CARTMAN
Don't give us that crap! She's no good
to you dead and you know it!
STAN
Yeah, you wouldn't kill her, 'cause
then she can't pay you money! We know
because we're in the same business you
are!
TONG LEADER
This woman has a contract with us! We
own her!
KYLE
She had a contract with us first! We
own her!
TONG LEADER
Her life belongs to us!
KYLE
Her life belongs to us!
STAN
Guys! Guys! Guys! Don't you see what
we're doing? Jesus... we're not talking
about an object here, we're, we're talking
about a person. I mean, look at what
we've all become. All this violence
and anger and, and for what? For control
over somebody's life who... w-we're
all just trying to leech off of.
KYLE
Yeah.
STAN
Wing doesn't belong to us or to you.
We're all just caught up in a business
that treats people like commodities.
TONG LEADER
Perhaps... you're right. We spend all
this time... mooching off the hopes
and dreams of others, forgetting that
they are human beings.
KYLE
Yeah. It's not a very satisfying feeling.
TONG LEADER
I am tired of this business. It is
a very dirty and perverse business.
STAN
It's a lousy business. I quit.
KYLE
Me too.
CARTMAN
Aw aw guys, come on!
TONG LEADER
We quit too. It's time for us to find
another way to make money. From now
on, all contracts we have on people
are null and void.
STAN, KYLE
All right!
[Stallone's mansion, next day. He gets on stage to ...um, mumble]
PRODUCER
Mr. Stallone thanks all of you for
coming to his son's wedding. And now
as a special treat, it is his pleasure
to give you the music of... Wing!
WING
Sing, sing a song, make it simple, to
last your whole life long...
MR. KIM
Boys, thank you so much for eveything.
You rearry helped us out.
TONG LEADER
Yes, you were right, kids. Her voice
is so beautiful. To think we would
have made it so nobody would ever hear
her sing.
STAN
I think we all learned it's best to
leave talent to the talented people.
TOKEN
Send a cress in your plates, folks?
KYLE
Token?
TOKEN
Oh... Hey guys. What, what are you
doin' here?
CARTMAN
Token, you're... waiting tables?
TOKEN
Yeah. Well, it turns out an agency doesn't
really do anything for you. I'm trying
to work my way back home.
CARTMAN
Aw man, that's too bad, Token. Hey,
could you bring us some more bread,
huh? Oh and some more olive oil. Chop
chop!
TONG LEADER
My God, her voice is sooo beautiful!
MR. KIM
Yeah, she's a very dericate rittle flower.
WING
Sing, sing a song.
THE END
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