STARGATE SG1
Episode 316
"URGO"
By
Tor Alexander Valenza
CONTROL ROOM
SG-1 and Hammond are watching a screen that appears to show a
beach paradise.
CARTER
Probe indicates a sustainable atmosphere.
Temperature's 78 degrees farenheit,
barometric pressures normal.
DANIEL
No obvious signs of civilisation.
CARTER
P4X 884 looks like an untouched paradise,
sir.
TEAL'C
Appearances may be deceiving.
O'NEILL
One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
DANIEL
A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
O'NEILL
Never run with scissors?
HAMMOND
Were you trying to make a point, Major?
CARTER
Yes, sir. We should perform a standard
recon mission. Mineral and biological
survey to determine whether 884 is a
viable site for a research colony.
HAMMOND
Very well. You have a go.
O'NEILL
Mmm! Mineral survey. My favourite!
HAMMOND
Colonel.
O'NEILL
I know, General. It's all fun and games
until someone breaks a nail.
Hammond just looks at him. Jack shrugs and leaves.
Gateroom
SG-1 is kitted up.
O'NEILL
Au revoir, mon general.
TEAL'C
I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.
O'NEILL
Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao.
Ciao means adios. Auf wiedersehen. Sayonara.
Which all, very loosely translated,
means...
They step through the Gate.
And they step back through the Gate into the Gateroom. Hammond
is waiting.
O'NEILL
Goodbye?
HAMMOND
Stand down. What happened?
O'NEILL
What happened?
HAMMOND
That's what I just asked you. Will someone
please explain?
CARTER
General, we just left. We went through
the Gate and we came back.. here.
HAMMOND
Major, you've been gone over 15 hours.
TITLES
Infirmary
SG-1 are sat on beds and a chair. From the left, Daniel, Jack,
Sam, Teal'c.
FRAISER
Bloodwork is normal. So far, you check
out fine.
DANIEL
What about the lost time?
CARTER
Could we have been drugged with something
that leaves no trace?
FRAISER
Externally, there's no new marks or
bruises on your skin to indicate injections
or any kind of struggle. What's the
last thing you remember?
CARTER
We were walking up the ramp.
TEAL'C
O'Neill was explaining the meaning of
ciao.
O'NEILL
We stepped through, we stepped back
through. That's what happened as far
as we're concerned.
HAMMOND
When you didn't come back on schedule,
we sent a second MALP. But all it showed
was the same image of the alien planet
we saw before. There was no sign of
you and no response to our radio call.
CARTER
That's why there were two MALP's in
the Gateroom when we came back.
HAMMOND
Both came back just before you arrived.
We assumed you sent them.
CARTER
It wasn't us, sir.
Briefing Room
CARTER
This is the Mark II MALP's transmission.
Sam inserts a disc and the picture of the beach comes up.
HAMMOND
That's what we saw, Major.
CARTER
Yes, sir. Same as the first. Except
where is it? If this is the second MALP's
transmission, we should be able to see
the first MALP somewhere here, near
the Stargate.
O'NEILL
Isn't that thing supposed to... probe
a little?
CARTER
Well there'd be track, sir, and there
are none, at least nowhere in this image.
Watch what happens when you run the
playback frame by frame.
Jack walks over to Daniel and offers him coffee.
Sam runs the playback, frame by frame and then stops.
CARTER
There.
There is an image of a lab and the MALP.
DANIEL
Hello.
HAMMOND
What is it?
CARTER
I'm not sure, sir. Their technology
appears to be advanced beyond ours.
HAMMOND
Then the previous image was faked?
CARTER
There's no other explanation, sir. The
initial images portraying this planet
as a paradise seem to have been manufactured
and then broadcast back to us through
the MALP.
HAMMOND
Why?
CARTER
Possibly with the purpose of luring
us into this room.
O'NEILL
See? I knew it was too good to be true.
DANIEL
Wow! This coffee's great.
CARTER
I was just thinking that.
O'NEILL
Yeah, is that cinnamon?
DANIEL
It's, uh, it's chicory.
O'NEILL
Mmm, chicory.
Teal'c unscrews the lid off the pot Jack brought to the table.
He then proceeds to drink from it.
CARTER
Teal'c?
Teal'c finishes and sighs.
TEAL'C
Ah!
O'NEILL
Isn't that hot?
TEAL'C
Extremely.
HAMMOND
Just stay on the base. We're going to
have to keep an eye on you for the time
being.
DANIEL
I feel fine.
TEAL'C
As do I Daniel Jackson.
HAMMOND
For someone who just drank half a gallon
of steaming hot coffee?!
O'NEILL
Right.
Commisary
Jack is sitting at a table looking over some papers. He has a
piece of pie with him and starts to eat it. He looks back at
the pie and picks another forkful up to smell it. He then picks
up the whole piece and eats it.
MALP Room
Sam is checking over the MALP's when she suddenly gets up and
walks off.
Daniel's office
Daniel is sitting writing something when he suddenly gets up
and walks off.
Commisary
Sam and Daniel open the doors to find Jack sitting and eating
at a table with all of the desserts on.
DANIEL
Hungry?
CARTER
Yeah.
O'NEILL
Try the pie.
Daniel sits down next to Jack, Sam opposite Jack and Teal'c next
to Sam. The SF's who were assigned to watch them sit at a table
behind.
Daniel starts to eat the pie, Sam eats blue jello, Jack is eating
yoghurt and Teal'c is eating some kind of cake.
CARTER
So I'm running a full diagnostic on
the....
She puts the jello in her mouth.
CARTER
Wow!
O'NEILL
Oh, yeah.
DANIEL
This is the best pie I've ever had.
CARTER
Well, what's so different about it?
O'NEILL
Same old pie.
TEAL'C
It is most satisfying.
CARTER
Why do they taste so good?
O'NEILL
I don't know. All I do know is.. I don't
even like yoghurt.
TANNOY
SG-1, report to Medlab 3.
They get up to leave. When Jack reaches the door he stops, banging
into the SF's.
O'NEILL
Wait. Sorry.. Sorry.
He picks up a piece of pie to take with him.
Medlab 3
FRAISER
These scans have a certain percentage
of error. Basically, it looks like an
errant pixel.
CARTER
But it's in the exact same place in
each of the scans.
FRAISER
Yeah. Thank you. So I had to run a comparitive
analysis on the computer to be sure.
It's in the exact same spot in each
of your brains but you're talking about
something smaller than the head of a
pin.
CARTER
Barely large enough to show up on an
x-ray.
FRAISER
Right. Which is why I also needed to
run an electron resonance scan and..
This is, uh, magnified several thousand
times, sir.
She puts the scan up and we see it looks like a metal ball.
DANIEL
That thing's in all of us?
FRAISER
I'm afraid so.
Medlab 3.
Hammond has arrived.
HAMMOND
Can these devices be removed?
FRAISER
Not without causing irreparable brain
damage, sir.
O'NEILL
What's the downside?
FRAISER
How they were implanted without any
external marks or injury to the cortex
is beyond me.
HAMMOND
Can you determine what threat they pose?
O'NEILL
Apparently all desserts on base are
in grave danger.
FRAISER
We've determined that there's a barely
measurable electromagnetic field being
emitted by the devices. But I'm not
sure what that means.
CARTER
Well, so far, all we've noticed are
some cravings and a certain increased
acuity in our senses.
DANIEL
Especially taste and smell.
HAMMOND
Until we find out the true purpose of
these objects, I'm quarantining you
in the Level 22 isolation quarters with
a 24-hour guard.
Level 22 Isolation Quarters
Sam is at the computer, Daniel and Teal'c are playing a game
and Jack is playing on a gameboy.
URGO
Boring!
Jack looks round and Sam looks up.
O'NEILL
Who said that?
DANIEL
It wasn't me.
URGO
What d'you say we all go do something?
O'NEILL
Teal'c? Did you hear that?
TEAL'C
I did.
O'NEILL
Who's there?
URGO
Okay! I'll make it so you can all see
me, but only because you asked.
A man suddenly appears in front of them.
URGO
You all can see me, right?
DANIEL
Apparently.
URGO
Oh, good, I'm so glad. Hello, hello,
hello. Now you all say it.
ALL
Hello, Urgo.
URGO
Do you know, you're all much better
looking on the outside than you are
on the inside? On the inside, it's so
complicated. Oooh, please!
O'NEILL
Airman! Could you come here? Do you
see an intruder in this room anywhere?
The Airman looks round.
AIRMAN
No sir.
O'NEILL
Right. Dismissed.
The Airman leaves.
O'NEILL
All right. What are you?
URGO
Urgo.
DANIEL
Which might explain why we all just
said, "Hello Urgo."
URGO
No, you are not dreaming.
DANIEL
You read our thoughts?
URGO
Don't panic. Just the thoughts you're
having at the moment.
CARTER
Of course. You're actually...in our
heads, aren't you?
URGO
You are so smart Samantha. I love that
about you.
O'NEILL
Carter?
CARTER
The technology implanted in our brains,
sir. We're looking at some sort of visual
communication interface: controlled
hallucination.
O'NEILL
So... I.. uh.... what?
URGO
He gets confused! By the way, who is
Mary Steenburgen?
CARTER
This is incredible. I mean, the devices
must be linked somehow. Dr Fraiser said
they're all emitting a small EM field
– like radio frequencies.
DANIEL
Are you saying the devices in our brains
are some sort of wireless computer network?
CARTER
Yeah, an incredibly sophisticated one,
obviously able to work over significant
distance. I mean, that's why we were
all drawn to the commissary when Colonel
O'Neill was eating dessert.
O'NEILL
He can make us do stuff?
URGO
No, never. In spite of what you're thinking,
never.
CARTER
But you can make suggestions, can't
you. And enhance our sensory perception
and experiences.
DANIEL
Like making things taste better?
URGO
Well, didn't it?
CARTER
Well, why not? I mean, he's tapped into
our brains. He's making us all see and
hear him.
URGO
Boring! By the way, who decorated this
room? It is so plain. Please don't tell
me your whole planet's like this. Not
the whole planet! Hey, couldn't we go
someplace else – that's not here? Someplace,
y'know, that's not here? Um, kree! Anywhere.
Boring!
Infirmary
SG-1 is back sat on the beds. From the left, Teal'c, Daniel,
Sam, Jack. Janet is stood near the door, as is Urgo although
she can't see him.
FRAISER
Okay. So what does he look like?
O'NEILL
A famous tenor.
URGO
What's this?
FRAISER
And you're seeing the exact same thing
at the exact same time?
CARTER
Yep.
URGO
What is this?
CARTER
It's a defibrillator.
Janet looks confused.
URGO
Ahh, interesting. Thank you. Is it...
defibrillating... now?
CARTER
He, um... it seems to crave new experiences.
You use the paddles to administer an
electric shock to people who's hearts
are beating irregularly.
URGO
Ahhh. And then they feel better? Does
it feel good? Does it hurt? Woo! It
hurts!
DANIEL
I would think so.
URGO
Let's try it!
DANIEL
No, I don't think so.
URGO
Why not? It's not gonna kill you is
it? Or is it?
FRAISER
It talks to you?
CARTER
I think it's experiencing things through
us, using our senses to collect information.
URGO
Try the paddles.
Teal'c gets up.
FRAISER
So do you experience any... physi..cal
sensations?
Teal'c goes to the defibrillator and switches it on.
FRAISER
Hey!
O'NEILL
Teal'c!
URGO
Will you loosen up?
O'NEILL
Hey.... I'm loose.
CARTER
He doesn't have total control over us.
Just the power of suggestion.
DANIEL
He also seems to be able to enhance
our enjoyment of certain experiences
in order to motivate us.
FRAISER
Really?
TEAL'C
He appears unresponsive to direct questioning.
URGO
No, no that's not true. I'm picking
your brains. You can pick my brains.
I'll tell you anything you wanna know.
Ask me. Ask me anything. What? What?
TEAL'C
Tell us how to remove you from our brains.
URGO
Oh... (blows raspberry) Except that!
Duh!
O'NEILL
You said anything.
URGO
Wait a minute. Why do you want to remove
me from your brains, don't you understand,
I'm in your brains. I know you like
me. What are you trying to... You can't
fool me.
O'NEILL
No Urgo. We don't like you.
URGO
Oh admit it, tough guy. A smidgen?
O'NEILL
No smidgen.
URGO
I wouldn't blame you. I have a lot of
endearing qualities.
TEAL'C
He will not co-operate O'Neill.
URGO
Why you.... Years from now, when you're
thinking about me, you'll say... "How
did I ever get along without that wonderful
constant companion?" Woof.
O'NEILL
Years from now?
DANIEL
Woof?
URGO
There is no way to remove me from your
brains. Forget about it.
O'NEILL
What are you doing in our brains in
the first place?
URGO
Well, she got it. You got it. I'm here
to learn. I'm here to experience your
world.
DANIEL
So we've been tagged – like we do with
animals in the wild when we want to
study them.
TEAL'C
We are not wild animals.
URGO
Speak for yourself, big fella.
CARTER
Hang on a second. The race who created
you and put these things in our brains.
They're gonna want the information you're
collecting at some point.
URGO
I suppose.
CARTER
So how do they get it?
URGO
You don't want to know.
CARTER
Let's say I do.
URGO
Don't worry. You will never have to
find out.
CARTER
Aren't you programmed? I mean, how can
you defy your creators?
URGO
Because they're evil, really scary evil,
and we don't want anything to do with
them.
DANIEL
So maybe, if we contact whoever made
the technology....
URGO
That would be bad. Very bad.
O'NEILL
Why should we listen to you?
URGO
Okay, I know that you only like me a
little bit, but I like you a lot and
I do not want you to die.
DANIEL
Die?
URGO
Yes, as in dead. They're gonna kill
ya. They'll open your brains with a
big giant can opener, and then they
scoop me out with a big scoopy thing.
That's how it works. It's death or me.
Me or death. You have to decide. Me..
or death.
There's silence.
URGO
Well?
O'NEILL
We're thinking.
Briefing room
URGO
(Singing) Me me me me me-me me me-me.
Me, me, me me me. Me me me me me-me-me.
Me-me me-me me me me me-me me.
O'NEILL
Will you stop it?
URGO
Jeez!
Hammond and Janet look on at Jack gesturing at nothing. An Airman
behind the chair signals to himself and Jack signals back no.
Jack then looks back at Hammond.
O'NEILL
Please.
HAMMOND
So this technology is living vicariously
through you?
O'NEILL
I say we risk it all and go back to
the planet.
CARTER
What if he's telling the truth about
his creators?
O'NEILL
There's no way to get him out of us
here, right?
URGO
No. No way.
FRAISER
No.
URGO
See? She knows.
CARTER
maybe there's another way. I haven't
had much time to study the technology
but I could at least try to figure out
a way to turn him off.
URGO
Turn me off?
O'NEILL
Please.
URGO
You're wasting your time. It's impossible!
Hey! I got an idea. Why don't we play
hide and seek? You hide, and I'll, you
know, I'm not gonna cheat. You know,
cos I have....But I'm not gonna. One,
two, three...
HAMMOND
Whatever you need, Major. Dismissed.
URGO
Four. Five.
CARTER
Thank you.
URGO
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
He looks up and everyone has left.
Corridor
CARTER
I don't have time to play, Urgo. I don't
care if I'm "it". Because I have work
to do. No I am not hungry. Look, go
eat pie with Colonel O'Neill. I am very
busy right now.
HAMMOND
Major.
CARTER
Hi. I was just talking to Urgo, sir.
HAMMOND
I see.
CARTER
Oh, I wish you did.
FRAISER
All right, look, Urgo, Major Carter
would like....
CARTER
Ahh, Janet he's....over here.
FRAISER
Well then Urgo, Major Carter would very
much like to be left alone.
CARTER
Janet, um, as much as I appreciate it,
please... Urgo that is rude!
FRAISER
What did he say?
CARTER
Uh.... if you'll excuse me, I have work
to do.
Sam leaves.
HAMMOND
Doctor, are we entirely sure that the
members of SG-1 are... What's the word?
FRAISER
Sane?
HAMMOND
That's the one.
FRAISER
Yes sir. Remember, everything we hear
or see is processed in the brain. Urgo
is creating an image of himself that
they're responding to just like they
would you or me.
HAMMOND
If you say so.
Sam's lab
She picks up a cup of coffee and Urgo appears behind her.
URGO
Way off. Not even close. Not a chance.
Forget about it.
Jack, Daniel and Teal'c walk in.
O'NEILL
Carter.
CARTER
I believe I have a solution, sir.
O'NEILL
Please!
CARTER
The electromagnetic field these devices
generate indicates they're still based
on electric principles.
URGO
So smart and yet.... So wrong.
CARTER
I don't think so. An EM pulse should
do it, sir.
URGO
Ahhh!
Sam pours hot coffee on her hand.
CARTER
Ow!
URGO
Oh! Oooh!
CARTER
Urgo, that's hot!
URGO
I didn't mean to.
CARTER
Yes, you did. Now stop it. Fact is,
sir, Urgo's been trying to distract
like this since I first started thinking
about it so I'm probably on the right
track.
URGO
I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm really
sorry.
CARTER
I'll live.
URGO
She forgives me.
CARTER
A strong enough EM pulse can knock out
most electronic based technologies.
It would be harmless to us but should
render Urgo impotent.
URGO
Could you, uh... rephrase that?
O'NEILL
Do it!
URGO
Oh please, please don't do this.
Sam goes round the room shutting things off.
URGO
Hey listen. I really didn't mean to
scald you. I- I like you. I really,
really do. Uh, please, it was an accident.
CARTER
This room is shielded so it won't effect
any of the base's technology.
URGO
Don't do this, please. What can I do
to make you like me?
O'NEILL
You sure this won't hurt us?
UEGO
No. It's gonna hurt me.
CARTER
We won't even feel it.
URGO
But I will. I throw myself at your mercy.
Please, have mercy. Ooh I know. I can
be smaller.
Urgo appears smaller on the table.
URGO
How's this?
CARTER
Ready?
Urgo reduces in size even more.
URGO
I'm here. Look how teeny-weeny I am!
How could anything this teeny-weeny
hurt anybody?
Urgo suddenly appears behind Jack who jumps.
URGO
Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull?
What a nice shade of grey. How about
some white bread with mayonnaise? Wanna
watch golf on television?
O'NEILL
Will you flip that switch?
URGO
No. Oh. How about this?
Urgo turns into an Air Force officer who happens to be Peter
DeLuise.
URGO
Can you resist this?
Sam pushes a few buttons and Urgo starts to flicker.
URGO
Oh, don't do that. Oh, sacrebleu! I'm
melting. I'm melting! What a world!
What a world...
CARTER
Pulse hasn't gone off yet, Urgo. It's
on a timer.
URGO
Oh. How much time do I....
Urgo disappears.
Sam starts to turn screens back on.
DANIEL
That's it?
CARTER
Yep.
TEAL'C
I feel no differently.
O'NEILL
Listen.
CARTER
What?
O'NEILL
Exactly.
DANIEL
Way to go, Sam.
CARTER
We'll see.
Infirmary
SG-1 are back on the bed. From the left, Jack, Teal'c, Daniel,
Sam.
FRAISER
The devices are still present, but the
EM field that was being emitted by them
is gone. Everything else checks out
to me.
O'NEILL
Request permission for SG-1 to go back
to work, sir.
HAMMOND
Give it a week.
O'NEILL
A week?
Janet's Office
SG-1 are shown on cameras in their VIP rooms. Teal'c is meditating,
Daniel is working, Jack is throwing a ball about. Sam is sitting
in front of Janet.
FRAISER
Well.. everything looks normal. How
are you feeling?
CARTER
Great. I just want to get back to work.
FRAISER
Well assuming you are cleared by next
weekend, Cassandra and I are going to
the lake and we are going to rent a
rowboat. Would you like to come along?
CARTER
Yeah, I'd love to.
FRAISER
Great. Can you send Daniel up next?
CARTER
Yeah, okay.
Sam gets up. She walks out and starts singing `Row, row, row
your boat. Gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily,
merrily. Life is....'
On the screen of Jack's VIP room, he also starts to sing.
O'NEILL
Merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream.
And row, row, row your boat...
Janet switches up the sound on the screens.
DANIEL
Row, row, row your boat Gently down
the stream.
TEAL'C
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life
is but a dream.
Briefing room
O'NEILL
I was not singing. I'd know if I was
singing. I don't even know the words
to...
Janet switches on a tape. Jack is singing.
O'NEILL
Okay. If you call that singing.
Janet switches the tape off.
O'NEILL
Urgo.
Urgo appears next to Janet.
URGO
I couldn't help myself.
Jack drops his head on the table.
O'NEILL
No!
CARTER
I was so sure it would work.
URGO
Oh it did. Don't feel bad. It did work
for a while. Everything went away. It
was very sad. Very, very sad. And then
all of a sudden, I was back in your
brains, where I belong.
CARTER
The system must have some sort of reset.
I'm sorry.
HAMMOND
I'm sorry too, because as long as that
device is capable of influencing you
in any way, you're relieved of active
duty.
O'NEILL
Oh General, is that really necessary?
HAMMOND
I believe it is. Whether you admit it
or not, you've been compromised. The
fact is, an alien entity has control
over you – however limited. We don't
know what it's capable of.
CARTER
He can't actually make us do anything
we don't want to, sir.
FRAISER
Then why did I have to treat your arm
for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was
responsible?
URGO
I didn't mean to.
TEAL'C
It was not his intention.
Urgo gives Teal'c a thumbs up.
HAMMOND
I trust I've made my point.
O'NEILL
Come on Urgo. Be a mensch. How do we
get rid of ya?
URGO
I have no idea. I really... I just don't
know.
CARTER
He really may not know, sir.
O'NEILL
How could he not know?
CARTER
He's just the program.
O'NEILL
Program?
CARTER
All I'm saying is that your software
doesn't know how your computer works.
O'NEILL
Hey! My software doesn't make me sing
Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
URGO
Please. Please don't fight. I'm here.
What's the difference how? Look, I'm
not gonna make another noise. Not a
peep. Nothing. I'm gonna be quiet, like
a little tiny mouse – not a peep. Watch.
I've got an idea! Why don't we play
a game – some sort of a wonderful game?
Something with a dictionary, it's so
much fun. You know, you get a word and....you
write what you think the word is. Oh,
it's a lot of laughs – and educational.
It's really nice. I think you'll like
it.
Control Room
TECH ALBERTS
Chevron seven encoded and locked.
The Gate engages and the MALP goes through.
SG-1 are in the control room looking at a video of the MALP going
through the Gate.
URGO
What's that?
CARTER
Actually, that's our version of you.
URGO
But not as suave and sophisticated,
n'est-ce pas?
CARTER
It's equipped with sensors, video camera,
microphone. We use it to explore in
much the same way you do.
O'NEILL
Carter.
CARTER
Sorry. I don't know why I was telling
him that.
O'NEILL
Hello.
The MALP reaches the other side and we see the paradise beach
again.
URGO
Oh, how beautiful. Can we go there?
CARTER
It's an illusion. Your creators do this
in order to lure people into their trap.
URGO
See, I told you they were mean. That's
mean!
TECH ALBERTS
The MALP is online, General.
Hammond speaks over the microphone.
HAMMOND
This is General Hammond of the planet
Earth. We know the images being transmitted
to us are false. We request a dialogue.
Please respond.
URGO
Why is he doing that?
DANIEL
We're trying to communicate with your
creators.
URGO
No. Bad. No.
DANIEL
It's our last alternative before we
resort to actually going back there.
URGO
You know, you were just thinking about
that island Maui, with the big beaches
and little bikinis. That's where we
should go because it's very nice and
warm there – instead of being here.
Sam turns to look at Jack and smiles. Jack shrugs as if to say
he doesn't know what Urgo is talking about.
TOGAR
Who dares challenge Togar?
URGO
That voice. That's him!
HAMMOND
Dr Jackson?
Daniel goes over to the mic.
DANIEL
This is Dr Daniel Jackson. We don't
mean to challenge you. We've discovered
the devices you implanted in our brains.
We'd like you to remove them. Him.
TOGAR
Him?
DANIEL
Urgo.
TOGAR
How do you know this name?
DANIEL
He told us. He interacts with us.
O'NEILL
He's driving us crazy.
TOGAR
That is an error. Return the subjects.
Urgo will be removed.
The Gate closes.
O'NEILL
You heard the man.
CARTER
Sir, we could be risking our lives.
O'NEILL
Okay. Let's ask the question: Do we
wanna give up SG-1 and walk around the
rest of our lives with him yappin' away
in our heads?
URGO
Yes. Say yes.
O'NEILL
Or....do we take the risk and try to
find a way to get rid of him so we can
get on with our lives?
URGO
No. Say no.
DANIEL
Sorry... Urgo.
O'NEILL
That's good enough. Teal'c?
TEAL'C
If we are to remain in the service of
this world, Urgo must be removed.
URGO
Sam. Sammy. You like me. I remind you
of your Uncle Irving. Bubelah! Remember?
CARTER
Yeah, I guess you do a little.
O'NEILL
Carter.
CARTER
Sorry. Sorry.... I guess I say we go.
HAMMOND
Then it's settled.
SG1 Locker Room
Sg-1 are getting ready.
DANIEL
What do you suppose Togar really meant
by "an error"?
CARTER
I suppose he meant Urgo wasn't supposed
to be interacting with us.
URGO
Oh please. Please don't go. He's gonna
kill you. He really will. He's nasty.
It'll be a painful and awful death.
Honest. Okay, okay. Fine. He's gonna
kill me. You heard him! Oh, you people,
for cryin' out loud. Don't you have
any feelings?
CARTER
Do you?
O'NEILL
Carter! Why do you humour him? He's
obviously programmed for self preservation.
CARTER
Sir, that voice, Togar, said that this
was an error. We're probably not even
supposed to know he's here. You aren't
supposed to be interacting with us,
are you?
URGO
Well, um... Actually, when I first,
uh...and we got to be f... Technically?
No.
CARTER
Can you describe how you're feeling
right now?
URGO
Me? Nervous. Agitated. A little hungry.
DANIEL
Afraid?
URGO
Oh sure. Okay.
CARTER
Of what?
URGO
Oh, going away, like last time. Not
experiencing. Not being here with you.
CARTER
Of death?
URGO
Ooh yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Big time.
He's gonna kill me and that's why...that
death thing keeps popping up.
CARTER
Sir...
O'NEILL
Carter.
DANIEL
Wait a minute Jack.
O'NEILL
Daniel.
DANIEL
By definition, what constitutes a sentient
life form?
CARTER
Self awareness. Consciousness.
URGO
I'm me. No doubt about that. What else?
CARTER
The ability to think independently.
URGO
I'm independent. I just, you know...
like company.
DANIEL
Fear of death.
URGO
I got that too!
Jack gets up.
O'NEILL
You're not going to convince me it's
alive. Look!
Jack waves him arms through Urgo.
URGO
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
O'NEILL
He's not really here. He's here. In
our heads.
DANIEL
There are plenty of life forms that
require other life forms to live.
TEAL'C
Then you are a parasite. Like the Goa'uld.
URGO
A parasite. Like the goa'uld.
CARTER
Or a Tok'ra. I mean, just being parasitical
by nature doesn't make you inherently
bad.
O'NEILL
It's a machine.
URGO
That hurts.
CARTER
Sir, he's artificial intelligence but
just because somebody made him doesn't
mean he isn't alive.
URGO
Listen to her!
O'NEILL
So what are you saying?
CARTER
I'm saying we should consider it. Maybe
this error wasn't really an error at
all, but rather some kind of higher
technological evolution. The birth of
a whole new life form.
DANIEL
I can't believe I'm saying this, but
I think I agree with Sam.
O'NEILL
What?
CARTER
Well Sir, it's just..
O'NEILL
No! Hammond said it. We've been compromised.
Now we explain the situation to this
Toga and we let him deal with Hugo once
he's out of our heads.
DANIEL
Urgo.
O'NEILL
Urgo.
Jack goes to pick up his jacket.
O'NEILL
Let's go.
URGO
Oh. I'm doomed.
Planet
SG-1 step through the Gate. A beam suddenly activates and deposits
them in a lab without their jackets and weapons.
O'NEILL
I hate it when that happens.
URGO
Oh, this is bad. This is very bad. Very
bad.
A door then opens.
TOGAR
Do not move or I will render you unconscious.
If necessary.
DANIEL
You're Togar?
TOGAR
Yes! Togar.
URGO
As handsome as he is evil.
TEAL'C
There is no reason to fear us.
TOGAR
I fear you not.
Togar whistles and the door closes.
URGO
Ooh, he's a madman. He's an evil, terrible
madman. Run for your lives.
TOGAR
I hear you. Be silent.
O'NEILL
Wait! You hear him?
TOGAR
Yes. Hear and see.
DANIEL
Then you should be able to see he's
afraid.
TOGAR
Relocate. Hmm.
URGO
While I'm being silent, Togar, I'd like
to point out, when I called you a madman,
I meant it in the nicest possible way.
Togar walks over to a glass dome.
TOGAR
Come. Come forward. Come forth. Stay.
He waves his hand over the dome and an animal appears.
TOGAR
Watch.
A laser comes into the animals head and removes the implant without
hurting it,
TOGAR
Urgo... is this. The specimen is unharmed.
He waves his hand and the animal disappears.
TOGAR
As you will be.
DANIEL
What about Urgo?
TOGAR
It will be destroyed.
URGO
See? What'd I tell you? Oh please, don't
let him do this to me. Teal'c? Help.
Kree! Jump him. Give him a double Jaffa-jaffa
kick. Go on.
CARTER
The technology you invented is very
advanced.
TOGAR
Yes.
URGO
It's because they're all too scared
to go out and experience things for
themselves.
TOGAR
Enough!
DANIEL
Look, we're very grateful that you're
willing to take Urgo out of our minds.
CARTER
The point is, we think Urgo may actually
be alive.
TOGAR
He is an error.
CARTER
Maybe he is. Another word for it might
be miracle.
TOGAR
That is ridiculous.
CARTER
Well, what you call an error has somehow
resulted in life. He's self aware, he's
acting and thinking independently, he's
afraid of his own death. By any definition,
he's acting alive.
O'NEILL
All we're saying is that maybe there's
a way of doing this without.... Killing
him.
TOGAR
There is not!
O'NEILL
Okay. Had to ask.
CARTER
I don't understand. Why not?
TOGAR
The unit must be in a life form. It
cannot exist on it's own.
CARTER
There has to be some way. You created
it.
DANIEL
You'd be killing something you gave
life.
URGO
Dad.....
Togar looks at Urgo.
URGO
That's a terrible idea. I'd rather die
a painful and horrible death.
DANIEL
It was just a thought.
URGO
I wanna live. I wanna experience the
universe and I wanna eat pie.
O'NEILL
Who doesn't?
TOGAR
Enough babbling. Explain.
DANIEL
I was just thinking that maybe you'd
wanna put Urgo in.. you.
URGO
No! No, I wouldn't do that. I'd rather
be in that little... and the eyes...
No!
TOGAR
The purpose of the technology is to
observe and explore.
CARTER
But the technology is different now.
DANIEL
Look, we don't know you very well, but
I get the distinct feeling Urgo is everything
you're not.
URGO
You can say that again.
DANIEL
But I think he's everything you wish
you were. Outgoing, adventuresome.
O'NEILL
Annoying.
DANIEL
Look, it would be a chance to change.
To maybe... experience some of the things
you're afraid to do yourself.
TOGAR
No! Not afraid.
TEAL'C
Why do you not explore worlds through
the Stargate yourself?
TOGAR
It could help me learn how the error
occurred.
CARTER
Then you'll do it?
TOGAR
I could try.
URGO
Count me out. I don't wanna do it. He's
mean and boring..and.. and..and mean.
O'NEILL
We're giving you a chance here. Him
or death?
URGO
No, I .....
O'NEILL
Death or him?
URGO
Oh dear.
O'NEILL
Well?
URGO
I'm thinking. He's so.. so... uh...
O'NEILL
Mean?
URGO
Yeah.
O'NEILL
Boring?
URGO
Mmmm.
O'NEILL
So change him.
URGO
Me change him? Ha ha ha ha ha. Okay,
I'll do it.
O'NEILL
Urgo thinks it's a great idea and I'm
sure you'll enjoy his presence as much
as we have.
URGO
See, I knew it. I knew you liked me.
I was right.
O'NEILL
Maybe..... a little.
URGO
How about a hug?
O'NEILL
Don't push it.
Lab
Togar is standing under a laser receiving the implants from SG-1.
Sg- 1 come out from the lasers and look round.
DANIEL
Urgo?
TOGAR
Urgo is here.
URGO
I'm here! I'm here!
O'NEILL
Well, Togar... Thanks for your hospitality.
We appreciate it.
TOGAR
I will return you to your planet now.
DANIEL
Wait, Togar. How do we know Urgo's really
alive?
URGO
I'm here! I'm here! Tell `em. Tell `em!
TOGAR
I will, as soon as you are quiet.
O'NEILL/DANIEL
He's alive.
TOGAR
Urgo says.... Goodbye, and I say...
thank you.
DANIEL
Bye Urgo.
Urgo waves.
CARTER
I was thinking, now we've got to know
each other and helped each other out
maybe we could share some information
about our respective...
Togar blinks and Sam and Teal'c disappear. Jack and Daniel follow.
URGO
Ohh, I'm gonna miss `em! Hey, I know.
Why don't we.....
TOGAR
No!
URGO
Why not?
TOGAR
No!
URGO
It'll be fun and exciting.
TOGAR
No!
URGO
Are you sure we're thinking the same
thing?
TOGAR
Positive.
URGO
But you don't know what you're missing!
Gateroom.
Hammond and Alberts are looking at the MALP. SG-1 come through
the Gate.
HAMMOND
Stand down.
TANNOY
Quarantine stand by.
HAMMOND
Glad you're back safe, SG-1. Was the
mission successful?
O'NEILL
Uh...
CARTER
General, didn't we just...?
HAMMOND
You've been gone over ten hours, Major.
CARTER
Oh boy.
HAMMOND
Report to the infirmary.
O'NEILL
Yes, sir.
THE END
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